Perception Spring 2023

you out. She kissed you. But you were hardly bothered when things
fizzled out.) (You miss her. You love her.)
8a. (You love all your friends.)
9. (Did you love her? Really love her? ‘Love-love,’ that’s what people
call it. Real love. Actual love. Passionate. Carnal. Good poetry. None of
that so-called “love,” this is humanity-defining love!) (Did you love-love
her? Who else, then, have you love-loved before? Who do you lovelove
now?) Season it heavily with love.
9a. (You’re supposed to know what love is. You’re supposed
to know it when you feel it. You'll know when you're older. You first
heard that when you were small. Very small.) (How would you know?
How does anyone know?)
(You hear people talk about it all the time. You always have.
Attraction: spontaneous or slow burning, it's starting to feel like some
sort of prank.)
10. (Falling in love means maturing. Falling in love is healthy. Falling
in love makes us human.) (What does that mean for you?) Flip your
sandwich and let it cook for three minutes or until golden brown. (Try
to scrape the burnt bits off the bottom. This always happens. You
really should pay more attention while you cook.) Once it's ready,
transfer the completed sandwich to a plate. (Does it matter? You
know it doesn't.)
11. Add a small dollop of love on top. (This step is optional. You love
that it's optional. You really, truly do!)
(Because it isn't a matter of accepting yourself. You accepted that
you're ace ages ago. You've embraced it wholeheartedly. Found
solace in it, found community. Comfort. Joy and undeniable pride.
The asexual flag hangs on your wall for a reason, after all.)
11a. (But it's in movies and music and conversations on the
street. In books and Twitter posts and
conventional wisdom, notions of love that don't click with you. (That
can't click with you.) You weren't made for them, not to your current
knowledge. And it doesn't really bother you. Sometimes you think
it’s fun, even, to watch the sport of romance from the safety of the
stands.)
11b. (But sometimes you're cooking. You’re waiting. You
have nothing to do but let your mind wander.)
12. Cut it into triangles (the perfect sandwich shape) and enjoy!
12a. (So you let your food burn and you think.) (And of all
the things in the world, you think about this. Like a mayfly buzzing in
your ear. (Again.))
13. Put your plate in the sink once you're done. Or in the trash, if it's
paper. Waltz out of the kitchen (and learn nothing.)
13a. (Or learn everything.)
13b. (Fuck it, I don’t know!)
13c. (What exactly have you learned from this? What
exactly am I supposed to say?)
13d. (How do I make you understand?)
13e. (I wrote this in the second person, in the ‘you,’, as
though I could grab you by the wrists and make my kitchen your
own, with its creaking stove and stained countertop and just-turned
eggs in the fridge. Like you would follow each instruction I gave
you to the letter: add cheese, spread butter, think, think, think my
thoughts in between each step on the path to comfort food until
you're frustrated by the mere concept of romance. Of sex. Of love. Of
virgins and cat ladies and naivety and all the other stupid little things
people think when you tell them you don’t swing either way. Of being
told your lived experience doesn't matter, as though I could make my
lack of love your own.)
13f. (You might not even like grilled cheese. That alone
might have taken you out of this. I'm sorry, for what it's worth, if it did.
Hopefully it helped you understand what I mean.)
13g. (When I said “you don't have any love,” did you think
that was a misunderstanding? When I asked “what does that mean
for you,” did you think I was just being dramatic? When I said “it isn't
a matter of accepting yourself,” did you think that was all a lie?)
13h. (I’ve spent four pages telling you what I struggle to
articulate even in queer spaces. Do you understand? Do you get
what I'm saying? Do you think there's even a point here worth
getting?)
13i. (Are we just getting angry over nothing?)
13j. (Am I even angry at all?)
13k. (Whatever. Whatever.)
14. Get distracted. It doesn't matter by what, just go do something
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