Perception Spring 2023

whole life, but something that existed inside of me neutrally. I was
not pleased to be a girl, but I could not have complained about it. My
clothing became loose and casual—with no hint of gender imbued in
any outfit I wore.
My first confession to the system of gender roles was makeup,
something that enthralled me. I wore makeup almost every day,
doing it as an artist rather than for outward impressions. My excuse
was that I did makeup not in a girly way, but in the same way that
gay guys did. As an art and a subversion of expectation, for I couldn’t
fathom the idea of meeting an expectation about myself. The
rebellious daredevil kicked inside of me, wanting to claw away from
the part of me that was beginning to like the feeling of being a girl.
With time, gender expression became like makeup had been—an
art rather than an outward performance. While everyday I dressed
ambiguously and casually, I also reveled in occasions that merited
a dress and nice hair and makeup. In finally leaving my relationship
with Mars, I was left as I was when I was twelve-years-old at age
eighteen: I had no clues about my sexuality and felt a ravenous tear
through my sense of gender.
“We’re all born queer” is a concept I’ve heard thrown around in
recent years to describe the onset social construct of gender and
how it affects children. To evolve from a complete ignorance to the
meaning of being a girl as a child to a direct repulsion to femininity all
the way to an acceptance of being a woman—I believe the concept
holds some weight. There were a million times in life I learned that I
was a girl, such as,
Being groomed on the Internet as a child,
Being asked “Do you have a crush on me?” by coworkers,
Being dismissed for an eating disorder because it seemed normal to
want to lose weight,
Being told “That’s how teen girls drive” when getting into a car
accident,
Being “too loud” as a child,
92 | Perception
Being “too quiet” as an adult.
The weight of the title of girl weighs heavy over my life. I want to beg
forgiveness for mocking it as a child, and in the same breath I want
to thrash against the identity and rid myself of it. I want to chase
after the little girl who was confused when she just wanted to play
Pokemon with her friends, and who thought the only way to be cool
was to be disgusting and fearless, and who was tricked by every
single man into thinking that there was something wrong with the
way she was and the meaning of the word “girl.”
Spring 2023 | 93