Providence, RI - Natural Awakenings

healthykids
5Real Solutions to
IMPROvE THE
Parent-Child
Relationship
by Nanci Adams
The quickest method to improving the parentchild
relationship starts with the parent. By
changing our behavior and ramping up our
parenting skill-set, we will see immediate
positive changes in our child.
Start by loving the time you spend together. Imagine
taking a drama-free vacation or sitting down to a family
dinner without tension, all because the parent is dedicated
to taking the necessary steps to initiate change.
Of course, our knee jerk reaction when confronted with
interpersonal conflict is to make a plan for changing others.
Let’s face it: it is easier to look outward than inward. Instead
of resenting the child, parents should consider activating
themselves with a game plan to stop the cycle of blame—
shift the focus to what can be done to transform the energy
and outcome of the interactions with the child.
Follow these five real solutions for improving the relationship
with your child.
1. know Thy Self. Become aware of your actions and
reactions that have a negative impact on a child’s behavior.
When your child pushes your button, do you have a dramatic
response? Do you run and hide when faced with conflict?
Your daily responses set the tone for the relationship with
28 Rhode Island Edition RINaturalAwakenings.com
your child. Take an honest inventory of how you behave.
If you don’t have the answers, survey the family—they will
have some ideas. Self awareness allows you to initiate new
ways of being with your child. You can always grow and
change in ways that strengthen the ways you interact.
2. Decisions, Decisions. Develop a consistent, go-to
strategy for making informed and rational decisions. Making
expert decisions 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is nearly
impossible. Making good decisions most of the time is totally
possible. Children respect leaders who are fair, experienced
and know how to take charge. The relationship with the child
will be improved if you show parental leadership by making
good decisions most of the time. If decision-making is not
your strong suit, consider developing those skills by consulting
a resource and using a tried-and-true formula to guide
the process until it becomes second nature.
3. Create a Vision. What do you want? Set a short-term
and long-term goal. To change any situation, you need a plan
and then action steps to achieve the plan. Imagine spending
a joy-filled day with your child. What does that look like to
you? Identify the specific steps needed to achieve the vision.
Journaling, meditating or drawing about that image for the
future can help to clarify positive thoughts.
4. Negotiate Like a Pro. Boost communication skills
and learn to give and take. All great leaders use strategic
tactics to influence others and get their ideas across. Shouldn’t
you have the same tactics at home? Learn to listen, acknowledge
and use eye contact. Plan the best times for meaningful
discussions with the child. Children respond to adults that
are friendly, approachable and interested. Advancing the way
that you communicate will have instant positive effect on the
parent-child alliance.
5. Connect with Others. Develop a network, share
and learn from other parents, get professional guidance
and engage support from family members. Sometimes a
relationship becomes so intense and the focus so great that
it becomes toxic. To ease the toxicity of the relationship,
step away. Let the tension of the relationship breathe a bit.
Focus your efforts on building an outside network that supports
your needs. Getting the help and support needed can
decrease anger and reduce guilt. When relationships are
approached with more grace and confidence, wonderful
things happen.
Learning to take control of yourself and your parenting style
is worth the effort. Time once wasted in conflict is now freed
up to positively impact the child. Avoiding habitual responses
will make you a more effective, fun and fulfilled parent. Your
child will notice this new way of being and will respond with
more respect and mindfulness.
Nanci Adams is a psychotherapist and parent educator.
She is the founder of the Learn To Love Your Child Again
workshop and eight-week intensive course. Contact her at
Nanci@TheTherapyCollaborative.com.