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Blue & Gold, Issue 8 - the International School of Belgrade

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2<br />

Smoking<br />

Rubble<br />

RetiRement<br />

home<br />

Mutually Assured Destruction too<br />

much for you? A little scared now<br />

that you’re older? Nobody pays<br />

any attention to your death threats<br />

anymore? Anthrax and Napalm<br />

just doesn’t cut it anymore?<br />

Its time for you to retire.<br />

Where:<br />

Smoking Ruins Retirement homes<br />

is situated on “44 Moose-Goose<br />

Way, Dirt shire,” with 50 acres <strong>of</strong><br />

bleak landscape filled with bombed<br />

out buildings, minefields, airports<br />

and trenches.<br />

The Team:<br />

Our qualified team <strong>of</strong> pr<strong>of</strong>essionals<br />

will cater to any <strong>of</strong> your terrorist<br />

desires, from posting your death<br />

threats, calculating your ransom<br />

prices, providing a fake media<br />

spotlight or changing your incontinence<br />

bag.<br />

thRee ReaSonS why you<br />

Should liSten to youR<br />

goveRnment and take all <strong>the</strong><br />

“Recommended” tRavel<br />

“pRecautionS” <strong>the</strong>y “adviSe”.<br />

Name: Illich Ramirez Sanchez,<br />

later known as Carlos <strong>the</strong> Jackal<br />

(1949- )<br />

Nationality: Venezuelan<br />

Association/s: Formerly associated<br />

with <strong>the</strong> Popular Front for<br />

<strong>the</strong> Liberation <strong>of</strong> Palestine<br />

Claim to Notoriety: Ramirez’ high<br />

pr<strong>of</strong>ile terrorism, associations<br />

with leaders from Saddam Hussein<br />

to Libyan Muammar Qaddafi,<br />

and apparent ruthlessness made<br />

him <strong>the</strong> most notorious terrorist<br />

<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> 1970s.<br />

Currently: Ramirez is in Clairvaux<br />

prison in France, after conviction<br />

in 1997. In March, 2007, a<br />

conviction against him for statements<br />

he made supporting terrorism<br />

was overturned<br />

Name: Osama bin Laden<br />

Nationality: Saudi (citizenship<br />

stripped)<br />

Association/s:Al Qaeda<br />

Claim to Notoriety: Osama<br />

is wanted for 9/11 Attacks; He<br />

has declared war against United<br />

States<br />

Currently: At large, perhaps in<br />

Afghanistan or Pakistan<br />

Features<br />

Name: Ulrike Meinh<strong>of</strong> (1934-<br />

1976)<br />

Nationality: German<br />

Association/s: Red Army Faction<br />

(aka Baader Meinh<strong>of</strong> Gang)<br />

(defunct)<br />

Claim to Notoriety: Meinh<strong>of</strong><br />

was one <strong>of</strong> West Germany’s most<br />

sought after intellectuals in postwar<br />

Germany, known for her<br />

commitment to leftist causes as<br />

well as her beauty and chic attitude.<br />

Her fame followed her when<br />

she went underground, leading<br />

<strong>the</strong> Baader Meinh<strong>of</strong> gang in its<br />

“armed struggle” against <strong>the</strong> German<br />

state.<br />

Currently: Meinh<strong>of</strong> committed<br />

suicide in prison in 1976.<br />

He’ll kill you<br />

Activities:<br />

To help prevent boredom and suicide,<br />

which are common in retirement<br />

homes, we have come up<br />

with an exciting Four day rotation<br />

<strong>of</strong> activities;<br />

Day 1: Killing and maiming 101 followed<br />

by lunch and story time.<br />

Day 2: Armed Combat 1 (close<br />

combat) followed by crumpets and<br />

Armed Combat2 (firearms)<br />

Day 3: how<br />

to? -Homemadeexp<br />

l o s i v e s - ,<br />

followed by<br />

b o u r g e o i s<br />

c o o k i n g<br />

class until<br />

dinner.<br />

Cooking class at<br />

Smoking Rubble<br />

Day 4: <strong>International</strong> Terrorism (<strong>the</strong><br />

basics) followed by lunch and “Using<br />

<strong>the</strong> media”<br />

Utilities:<br />

Smoking Ruins has two on-site<br />

hospitals, (one used for missile<br />

testing) it has a day spa, a fully<br />

equipped relaxation facility with<br />

aroma <strong>the</strong>rapy and chocolate massages.<br />

For <strong>the</strong> more outdoorsy terrorist<br />

we have several minefields<br />

that make for riveting 18 par golf<br />

courses.<br />

Special Deals:<br />

We <strong>of</strong>fer special deals to members<br />

<strong>of</strong> organizations that are no longer<br />

on <strong>the</strong> front page and are unwilling<br />

to die for <strong>the</strong>ir cause. We also <strong>of</strong>fer<br />

half price deals to all suicide bombers<br />

who failed to die.<br />

Luxury suites

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