HASTE TO THE WEDDING - Haddon Hall

32 HASTE TO THE WEDDING - ACT III - SCENE 1
BUN. It’s a most extraordinary thing that my wife should not have returned—I can’t
understand it at all. My wife said to me this morning, at a quarter to nine o’clock,
“Bunthunder, I’m going out to buy a pint of Barcelona nuts,” and it's now twenty minutes
past five in the afternoon, and she has not yet returned. By dint of worrying myself about
her I’ve got a splitting headache, and for a splitting headache there’s nothing like putting
one’s feet in hot water. Where can she be? (Rising.) Oh, Leonora, Leonora, if I thought
you were deceiving me, there is no vengeance that would be too dire! (Knock at street
door.) There she is—there she is at last! she’s coming upstairs. (Resuming his seat.
Knock at room door.) Come in, come in! I’m taking a footbath, but come in.
(Enter WOODPECKER.)
DUET—WOODPECKER and BUNTHUNDER.
WOOD. Your pardon, sir. Am I addressing
The Major-General Bunthunder,
I greatly wonder?
In search of him I roam.
BUN. I am, as you are rightly guessing,
That most unhappy warrior—
No man sorrier—
But I am not at home.
WOOD. (suspiciously). You’re not at home?
BUN. No, sir, I’m not at home.
WOOD. This information is distressing;
If you will shortly be returning,
My soul is burning
With keen anxiety to know?
BUN. I’ve gone abroad on business pressing;
When home from places foreigneering
I shall be steering
Is quite uncertain! Go!
WOOD. (doubtfully). Uncertain? Oh!
BUN. It’s quite uncertain! Go!