HASTE TO THE WEDDING - Haddon Hall

8 HASTE TO THE WEDDING - ACT I - SCENE 1
SONG—WOODPECKER.
Maria is simple and chaste—
She’s pretty and tender and modest—
But on one or two matters of taste
Her views are distinctly the oddest.
Her virtue is something sublime—
No kissing—on that there’s a stopper—
When I try, she says, “All in good time—
At present it’s highly improper.”
Such virtue heroic I call,
To complain were the act of a noodle—
She's allowed to kiss no one at all
But her cousin—her cousin: young Foodle;
Now a maiden could never offend
By embracing her father or brother;
But I never could quite comprehend
Why cousins should kiss one another.
Of course it’s an innocent whim—
Beneath it no mischief lies hidden.
But why is that given to him
Which to me is so strictly forbidden?
It’s as innocent as it can be;
He’s a kind of performing French poodle.
But why withhold kisses from me
Which are freely accorded to Foodle?
(Enter CAPTAIN BAPP and LEONORA.)
WOOD. Who’s this?
BAPP. This is the scoundrel’s house, and (seeing WOODPECKER) this is the scoundrel!
WOOD. Confusion! It’s the lady of the Leghorn hat, and her military admirer!
LEON. Dear Captain Bapp, be careful!
BAPP. Leonora, leave this to me. (To WOODPECKER). Well, sir, suppose you offer
this lady a seat! (WOODPECKER gives LEONORA a chair, and is about to take another.)
Don’t sit down yourself, sir! How dare you attempt to sit down in this lady’s presence?
Now, sir, to business. You have grossly insulted this lady.
WOOD. How?
BAPP. In the first place, you devoured this lady’s hat.