HASTE TO THE WEDDING - Haddon Hall

36 HASTE TO THE WEDDING - ACT III - SCENE 1
MAGUIRE. Though her aspect was modest and meek,
She could turn on the steam in a minute:
Her eruptions went on for a week—
Vesuvius, my boy, wasn’t in it.
Give your wife of indulgence her fill,
Though your meals be unpleasantly scrappy—
Never look at her milliner’s bill;
Gulp down that extravagant pill,
And you may, and probably will,
Be bankrupt—and thoroughly happy!
Oh, if early in life
I had happily known, &c.
(Music, “Haste to the Wedding.” Wedding party all dance off. Enter WOODPECKER L,
with several hats in one hand, and the specimen in the other.)
DUET—WOODPECKER and BUNTHUNDER.
WOOD. I’ve come across hats of all colours and sorts,
But none like this specimen, demme!
(Enter BUNTHUNDER, L.)
BUN. (seizing him) Thief! Burglar! Away to the Criminal Courts,
With your skeleton keys and your jemmy!
WOOD. Excuse me, you're really mistaken in that—
I’ll prove it, if patient you’ll be, sir:
This morning my horse ate a young lady’s hat—
BUN. Well, what does that matter to me, sir?
WOOD. But she’s now at my lodgings—and leave them she won’t
Until I’ve produced her another!
BUN. By all that is prudent and proper, why don’t
The young lady go home to her mother?
Already too long she has tarried—
Why don’t the young widow withdraw?
WOOD. Young widow? good gracious, she’s married,
And her husband can claim her by law!
BUN. (tickled). Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Sly dog! (Digging WOODPECKER in the ribs.)
WOOD. (same business). Sly dog!
BOTH. Ha, ha! Ho, ho!