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FRANK BY NAME, FRANK BY NATURE
ISSUE 611 GOOD TIL MAY 24, 2011 $3.99
SOUVENIR END OF DAYS ISSUE

Pirates of the N. Atlantic
BY DAN WALSH
ACCORDING TO THE LAND-GRAB EXPERTS AT
THE NATURAL RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
(CHARLIE PARKER, PROP.), OVER 28,000
INDIVIDUAL PARCELS OF LAND IN NOVA SCOTIA
ARE WITHOUT AN ORIGINAL CROWN GRANT.
Until now Natural Resources has refused
to disclose the number of properties
it considers ungranted Crown land.
That means about
250,000 acres — almost
the size of the resort island
of Martinique — are not
protected from marauding
gangs of government bureaucrats,
who are known
to launch vicious volleys of
lawyer’s letters, designed
to tie up unsuspecting
homeowners in years of
litigation while the province
makes off with stolen property.
As serious
Frankcologists will tell you,
in the past decade Nova
Scotia took a page from the
Robert Mugabe playbook and began to
steal privately owned land without compensating
landowners (Frank
607,596,595,589,588,587).
“Expropriation without compensation” is
a policy practised and preached by Zimbabwean
dictator Mugabe, but perfected
by Nova Scotia’s Natural Resources
(Charlie Parker, Prop.).
As its logic-defying argument goes, if the
province is unable to locate an original
Leonette (Lea)
Purcell
Missing since
December 16, 2004
Declared dead on
October 17, 2006
May 6, 2011...
2
AS OF
3 3 1
DAYS
WITHOUT A TRACE
2 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Charlie Parker (not
exactly as illustrated).
Crown grant — often written on sheepskin
and dating back to the 18th century, 100plus
years before French anarchists
coined the famous black-flag waving
phrase “property is theft” — the land reverts
to Crown ownership in a heartbeat.
Incredibly, it doesn’t matter if the property
has been privately owned for hundreds
of years, and government taxes were always
paid. If no Crown grant can be located,
the land belongs to
the Crown without recourse.
Some with deep pockets
are challenging these
goonlike Mugabe tactics
before the courts, and
slowly the Natural Resources
Dept. is being
forced to tweak its land
grab regulations.
In its latest amendment,
announced in an April 19
press release, the department
appears to be taking
into consideration a recent
Court Of Appeal decision,
which hung the province
out to dry on its failure to recognize the
history of settlement on Brill Island in
Lunenburg County.
The new amendment claims to take the
historical land use into consideration when
determining if government can steal the
disputed property.
Natural Resources wants to clear up its
land-theft guidelines by April’s Fool Day
2013.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
FRANK MAGAZINE
HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA
ISSUE 611
MAY 24, 2011
Friends, I am deeply honoured to stand
before you tonight as the leader of a
majority Conservative government.
Let me be perfectly clear.
I’m a friend to all Canadians, not just the
Canadians who voted for me. I think of it
this way. The friends who voted for me
are the kind of special friends I go that
extra mile for. A cup of sugar here, a
Senate appointment there. On the other
hand, my other friends are the sort that I
smile at and wave to on the street, despite
the fact that they are very likely a patsy for
the Taliban. Friends, if you’re like me,
you wear your tiny Canadian flag pin with
pride while accessing one-tier universal
health care, supporting our troops and
drinking Tim Horton’s coffee. You read
activist Supreme Court decisions at the
hockey game before heading to the cottage
on the lake to hunt with your registered
long gun and cavort with bikini girls in the
fresh, relatively unpolluted air. You enjoy
a good gay marriage, plate of poutine,
abortion, and seeing criminals getting out
of jail before they’re 80 80 as much as the
next guy. Friends, I give you my solemn
oath: these things will all continue to exist,
some in real life, some in beer commercials,
and others as treasured memories.
God bless all of you, God keep our land
glorious and free, and God help, er, bless,
Canada.
— — United United Republic Republic Republic of of Canada
Canada
President President Stephen Stephen Harper
Harper
Managing editor: Andrew Douglas
Chief reporter: Dan Walsh
Staff reporters: Neal Ozano
Mairin Prentiss
Jacob Boon
Contributor: Murray Johnston
Copy editor/Layout: Joan Westen
Frank is a magazine of news, satire, opinion, comment
and humour published every two weeks by
Coltsfoot Publishing Limited. Copyright Coltsfoot
Publishing Limited. Coltsfoot Publishing is the proprietor
and publisher of Frank. Mailing address: Frank
Magazine, P.O. Box 295, Halifax, B3J 2N7. Physical
address: Champlain Building, 5162 Duke St.,
4th Floor, Halifax, N.S. Subscriptions: see back
page. Publications Mail Agreement No. 40050490.
Phone: 420-1668. Fax: 423-0281. E-mail:
atlanticfrank@ eastlink.ca. Toll-free Tips Hotline: 1-
888-335-5505. Letters, see Pages 3, 30. We acknowledge
the financial support of the Government
of Canada through the Canada Periodical Fund (CPF)
for our publishing activities.

Letters
Just
testing...
Dear Frank:
I am obliged to point out your
misattribution in Frank 610, when you identified
Greenwin Property communications
officer Jennifer Green as “Gonophore
Green.”
As you are undoubtedly aware, a gonophore
is the Hydrozoa reproductive organ
which uses the primordium of the
subumbrella to form germ cells on the inner
entocodon until a ring of branching
stalks rise out from the hydranth and ultimately
produce the sexual cells, or, gametes.
I sincerely hope the requisite discipline
has been handed out for this error.
In good faith,
Dr. Buggup Mai Ass,
Some Ivy Tower, Somewhere
Separated at birth?
Dear Frank:
I nearly fell out of my chair on election
night, when ole Chrome Dome Peter
Mansbridge thought he saw Prince Harry
at Peter MacKay’s campaign office, and it
turned out to be Tory insider and kilt-wearing
bagpiper Tyler Cameron. I wonder how
many folks in Pictou County watched the
Royal Wedding and asked, “What is Tyler
doing as Prince William’s best man?”
Roy Al Genes,
New Glasgow Prince Harry
More letters on Page 30
PO Box 295,
Halifax, N.S. B3J 2N7
Frank News Tips Hotline
1-888-335-5505
www.atlanticfrank.ca
Tyler Cameron
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 3

BY ANDREW DOUGLAS
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED WHEN MY OR-
GAN’S CAPE BRETON CORRESPONDENT DIALLED
CECIL CLARKE’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE A FEW
DAYS BEFORE VOTING DAY TO FIND OUT WHERE
THE ELECTION NIGHT VICTORY PARTY WOULD
BE HELD.
It’s safe to say that Murray Johnston was
a bit miffed when Conservative campaign
helper Jennifer MacDonald hung up in his
ear after Murray mentioned his affiliation
with Frank Magazine.
Just imagine Murray’s surprise when,
just a few moments later, Jennifer’s father
Ian MacDonald — Cecil’s longtime
$38,000/per constituency assistant —
called to say that not only is Murray not
welcome at any of Cecil’s functions, but
Ian couldn’t guarantee the veteran reporter’s
safety if he were to show up. Oh, yes,
and, Ian informed Murray that if he’s going
to “sling shit” at Cecil in Frank Magazine,
that Cecil’s camp has plenty of stuff to throw
Murray’s way.
In Frank 610, which hit newsstands
three days before the menacing phone call,
chief reporter Dan Walsh explored Cecil’s
views on, among other things, gay marriage,
and asked the longtime bachelor
whether questions about his own lifestyle
had been raised during the campaign.
Cecil answered that they had not.
I’m informed that Ian, a teacher by trade,
spent the weekend leading up to the election
strutting around the campaign office
with a puffed-out chest, proud of the threatening
manner in which he spoke to my
humble scribe, who incidentally had no
part whatsoever in composing the offending
piece.
I imagine EDS toiler Jennifer, 30ish, was
fairly proud of her poppa as well, considering
I’ve heard from more than one source
that she’s had a serious teeny-bopper
crush on Cecil ever since he returned from
the Northwest Territories more than a
decade ago.
Early on the morning of Tuesday, May 3,
hours after Ian’s chest — along with
Cecil’s electoral hopes — had deflated
considerably, Frank Magazine again took
lumps over the story, this time in the form
of two angry phone messages left at the
4 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
ELECTION 2011
Why Cecil really lost
Cecil Clarke
Coxheath vacation home of its Montrealdwelling
publisher.
“Your (expletive deleted) Frank rag cost
us da election,” one drunk-sounding fellow
shouted into his receiver at precisely
12:28 a.m. Then, an equally charming lass
spouted her two cents’ worth in a voicemail
message left at 4:13 a.m.
“I hope you’re proud of the job you (expletive
deleted) hacks did on Cecil,” she
said, adding, “You would have been the
first in line looking for a handout if he got
in, just like you are with your (expletive deleted)
chickenshit farmer friend.”
I can’t be sure, but I think the caller refers
to millionaire chickenshit, er, egg
farmer Mark Eyking, who managed 14,805
votes to Cecil’s 13,945.
Mistakes? He made them all
Cecil Clarke had no business losing this
election.
His party swept to power with a majority
government, and he benefited from two
prime ministerial visits in four months.
Cecil himself was considered a “star”
candidate, having served as Cape Breton
North MLA for 10 years, for much of that
time serving in high-profile cabinet posts,
including Economic Development and
Justice in the Tory governments of John
Hamm and Rodney MacDonald.
Cecil, who turned 43 last month, is extremely
well-liked, charismatic and congenial,
and a fiery speaker.
Most would agree that Cecil is a better
candidate, at least on paper, than the incumbent.
And the incumbent had to buck
the trend of a sinking Liberal party, while
Conservative support was solid as a rock
throughout the national campaign. So
what the hell happened? Sources familiar
with the campaign say that while Cecil’s
team was stocked with capable people,
nobody wanted to do the hard work of politics,
the door-knocking, the handshaking,
handing out leaflets, working the phones,
and so forth.
A typical day around the campaign office,
according to one source, featured an interminable,
hours-long strategy session,
where a never-ending stream of big ideas
was bandied about. Then the Chinese
food order would go out. They’d eat, they’d
talk some more, and then they’d all go
home, exhausted.
The bull sessions were particularly grating
for one older, longtime Tory volunteer I
spoke to, who was so turned off by the
attitude and lack of work ethic around the
office that he quit halfway through the campaign.
They got even lazier, I’m advised, after
Stephen Harper’s April 22 visit.
“The campaign went to sleep after that,”
sez my source, recalling that Cecil spent a
pleasant evening at Joneljim Construction
mogul Jim Kehoe’s palatial abode
(Whose House: Sydney Area, Frank 604)
on April 26, casually shooting the breeze
with a handful of Jim’s neighbours. Most
political candidates would consider a night
spent sitting on their arse drinking wine
and eating canapes a fatal waste of time
less than a week before the big day. Not
Cecil, apparently. Then there’s the Dwight
factor.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

BY ANDREW DOUGLAS
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO THE FAILED
HALIFAX LIBERAL CANDIDATE, DR. STAN
KUTCHER IS FULL OF SHIT.
You might have heard that Dr. Stan successfully
wrested an apology and retraction
from the weekly freebie The Coast after
it published a piece days before the
election pointing out Dr. Stan’s involvement
in an infamous study about the effectiveness
of the antidepressant drug paroxetine
in adolescents. The study, published in the
Journal of the American Academy of
Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in 2001,
found that Paxil (the drug’s North American
trade name) was “generally well tolerated
and effective for major depression in
adolescents.”
In the piece, written by resident Coast
muckraker Tim Bousquet, Dr. Stan is
quoted as saying the study hasn’t caused
“any particular controversy,” although there
is “a group of people who would like to
cause a controversy around it.”
The truth is, controversy has dogged
Paxil Study 329 for years.
In 2004, a California law firm sued Paxil
manufacturer/study sponsor Glaxo-
SmithKline for using the study, among other
things, to misrepresent the drug’s safety.
Author Alison Bass, who was quoted in
Tim’s article and has since been falsely
pilloried as a Scientologist because of her
views, wrote a book about the litigation
called Side Effects: A Prosecutor, a
Whistleblower, and a Bestselling Antidepressant
on Trial.
Rudderham Chernin Law Office solicitor
Dwight Rudderham, a staunch member
of Team Cecil, is a smart, capable guy,
no doubt. But you could also argue that
he’s political poison. Dwight, after all, infamously
complained to the N.S. Barrister’s
Society about comments CBRM
Mayor John Morgan, a lawyer by trade,
made to the CBC in 2008 about the political
leanings of the province’s judges.
The saga went on for two years before
ELECTION 2011
Paxil study at centre of Coast/
Dr. Stan row was controversial
Dr. Stan Kutcher
In 2008, a joint Australian/American paper
concluded that Paxil 329’s authors (including
Brown University, Rhode Island
psych professor Martin Keller, Dr. Stan and
a handful of others) cherry-picked data to
support their foregone conclusions.
The paper, published in the International
Journal of Risk & Safety in Medicine, entitled
Clinical Trials and Drug Promotion:
Selective Reporting of Study 329, says
GSK documents — revealed as a result of
CECIL, FROM PREVIOUS PAGE Mayor John, who won the last two elec-
tions with more than 80 per cent of the
popular vote, was finally exonerated.
Now Dwight is the tainted one, the man
who tried to take down the people’s beloved
mayor.
Instead of recognizing this, and urging
him to work behind the scenes, Cecil
made the mistake of putting Dwight front
and centre. Every Thursday on Information
Morning in Cape Breton throughout
the campaign, Dwight was the Conservative
voice on their political panel, remind-
the litigation — state that “Study 329 was
negative for efficacy on all eight protocol
specified outcomes and positive for harm.”
Translation: Paxil, according to their research
and for their purposes, wasn’t worth
a damn.
The paper finds that Keller and his coauthors
“searched for other outcomes that
matched their beliefs about efficacy.” In
other words, they had a pre-conceived
notion about Paxil’s effectiveness, and
went searching for data that supported it.
According to the 2008 paper’s authors,
such a technique is known as “data torturing.”
“Confirmation bias could also lead authors
who were unconcerned about adverse
events (serious side effects among
their human adolescent guinea pigs) to
look less closely at that data and to attribute
(such events) to non-drug causes
such as ‘arguments with boyfriends.’”
In defence of their methods, Keller has
said that “they believed paroxetine was effective
and therefore viewed the efficacy
results as a false negative.”
Incidentally, both Health Canada and the
FDA, among other regulatory bodies
around the world, recommend against
using Paxil to treat adolescent depression.
Doesn’t sound controversial to me
at all.
An automated “out of office reply” was
the only response to an email I sent to Dr.
Stan’s office requesting comment. His
assistant didn’t return a phone message
before press time.
andrew@atlanticfrank.ca
ing thousands of listeners that John
Morgan’s mortal enemy wants them to vote
for Cecil.
So in the end, while Cecil and his crack
campaign team are certainly welcome to
blame Frank Magazine for their loss, I submit
that they need look no further than in
the mirror. The proof, I believe, is that a
campaign as shoddily run as theirs managed
to come within 860 votes of taking
the prize. Imagine what would’ve happened
if they’d used a little elbow grease?
andrew@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 5

BY JACOB BOON
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN HALIFAX WEST, THERE MIGHT HAVE
BEEN THE UPSET OF THE NIGHT.
Yes, for a time there it sure seemed like incumbent Geoff
Regan might lose his federal seat to newcomer and filmflunkie
Gregor Ash. The initial ballots so heavily favoured
the Atlantic Film Fest Executive Director that CBC went
so far as to call the riding in his favour.
Bizarrely, it was news met with joyous applause at Pepper
Jack’s on Farnham Gate Road, where Dr. Bruce Pretty’s
Tory campaign supporters sat watching the tube.
Frankly, I think Pretty’s minions knew they weren’t winning
that night, and were simply happy to see anyone take out
those darn Regans.
Sadly, it wasn’t to be in this election. Of course, that didn’t
stop Gregor’s initial lead from quieting the mood at
Brewsters, where the Liberal brouhaha was occurring.
The Bedford Highway bar was far from jubilant early on,
as crimson enshrined supporters prayed to the gods of
Centrist policies for another term.
Why, aside from campaign staff desperately trying to figure
out where Geoff actually was, you could have heard
Peter Mansbridge’s pen drop in that place. Showing a
knack for good timing, Geoff and his family arrived at the
door mere moments after he pulled in front of Gregor.
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
6 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
ELECTION 2011
How the West was won
Bruce Pretty and one of his Bunnies.
Geoff and Kelly Regan
sure know how to make
an entrance
Gregor Ash

BY NEAL OZANO
GERALD KEDDY’S CONSTITUENTS HAVE
CASHED HIS GIANT NOVELTY CONSERVATIVE
CHEQUE.
The “no good bastards” of South Shore-
St. Margarets — a riding of few immigrants,
10.3% unemployment, and made
up of almost 20% seniors — sent him back
to the House of Commons with a 2,866vote
plurality over the NDP’s Gordon Earle.
But it was the five-term MP’s supporters
who really got their money’s worth at a
rented house in Bridgewater that served
as Gerald’s campaign office; the open bar
led to all sorts of shenanigans.
Judy Streatch, former Tory MLA and
Keddy’s ever-lovin’ wife, had to boot a gaggle
of youngsters from the bar, one of
whom might have been expert driver and
ice cream connoisseur Jordan Streatch.
After shoving out the kids, she leaned into
Gerald and said she had already twice told
ELECTION 2011
the whipper-snappers to keep their hands
off the booze.
The kids stood, shifty-eyed, away from
the bar, knowing their weasel-ways
wouldn’t get by a woman who snuck
Starbucks coffee and Perrier onto her
Community Services Department expense
account in 2008.
Later in the night, Keddy’s supporters
called for the privatization of the CBC when
their technical crew, with reporter Paul
Withers in tow, took their giant big screen
TV away.
Mothercorp had used it for the broadcast,
but took it away just as the Tories hit
their 155 majority number, leaving 60 Tories
over 60 howling at the perceived affront,
rather than accepting that none of
them was smart enough to bring a TV of
their own.
Fat mouths had all sorts of smart things
to say that night; the same fellow who
called for the CBC’s head also com-
Judy & Gerald
at party campaign
central.
South Shore Tory TV tragedy
mented, “Oh, he beat his sister!” when two
B.C.-based East Indian candidates with
obviously different last names came onto
the CBC’s news feed.
The atmosphere at Gordon Earle’s NDP
campaign office, earlier, was decidedly
different. Nobody was drunk, and everyone
was reservedly optimistic.
While trying to fish my door lock open
with a coat hanger outside Gordo’s election
party at the Bridgewater Legion, a reformed
Conservative offered to help.
“I used to be a big supporter of Gerald,
but I lost faith in him,” said the man, in his
60s, continuing the work of scraping all
the paint off my doorframe.
“That’s why I came here.”
It seemed to be a theme at Gord’s party
— people who felt Keddy let them down.
“Keddy refused to help me several
times,” said another man, wearing a Dexter
Construction hat.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 7

Megan Leslie would like to thank Gilles
Duceppe and Michael Ignatieff for being such
peachy sports about the whole thing.
Alexa McDonough popped her head
in the door just long enough to meet
the press, and then disappeared.
8 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
ELECTION 2011
Engaged spectator
and minister of
fishguts Sterling
Belliveau shown
here noshing on
bright orange
Cheetos.
Darrell Dexter was
dumbstruck by the
orange team’s gains.

ELECTION 2011
Is Karlheinz
here yet?
Proud papa
Elmer
MacKay.
CBC gal Elizabeth Chiu hydrates
under the hot lights at Peter
MacKay’s Archimedes St., New
Glasgow campaign office.
Although Peter MacKay thanked his galpal Nazanin
Afshin-jam during his victory speech, the Persian
beauty queen was nowhere to be found.
Global news director Allan Rowe
adjusts himself shiftily while Devin
Stevens looks on.
Five
happy
Eykings,
all
in a
row!
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 9
M

Chit Chat
BY MURRAY JOHNSTON
& ANDREW DOUGLAS
SOMETIMES TIMING IS EVERYTHING.
Two weeks after Rod Googoo successfully
convinced Indian Affairs to investigate
the results of last fall’s Waycobah Band
election, 10-term Chief Morley Googoo got
himself elected as regional chief of the Assembly
of First Nations.
Presumably, the election investigation
will be scuttled and a new election will be
called, so the federal government will never
be able to answer runner-up Rod’s allegations
that something hinky was afoot on
that October day.
Among his complaints: electoral officer
Melinda Young failed to mail ballots to
every one of the 700 or so eligible voters,
including some of Rod’s own family members
(Frank 604).
Ultramar Canada is currently embroiled
in talks with the Membertou First Nation
over a $1.2 million lawsuit the band filed
against it last December, according to
Membertou finance guru Mike MacIntyre.
But a spokesthingy with the fuel giant,
Michel Martin, says the lawsuit is “dormant,”
and the relations between the two
parties are very good.
“Their real litigation is with a third party,
the Canada Revenue Agency,” Michel advises.
According to a Notice of Action filed at
N.S. Supreme Court in Sydney, the band
says Ultramar, which has a station on
Maillard Street in Sydney, miscalculated
its profits by failing to take into account that
native customers don’t pay tax (Frank 603).
Mike says it’s been a frustrating issue,
but both sides are talking now.
“We took action to protect the interests
of the band and at the end of the day, no
money will exchange hands. Canada Revenue
will be the beneficiary.”
McInnes Cooper tax specialist Bruce
Stewart Russell is handling the matter for
the Membertou Band.
10 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Morley Googoo
In other Membertou news, construction
of the new Hampton Inn, adjacent to the
Membertou Trade & Convention Centre,
is behind schedule because of a particularly
harsh winter.
The motel is now projected for a Christmas
opening, just in time to accommodate
the hundreds of fans expected to attend
the Canadian Amateur Boxing Championship
in January.
Rodney MacDonald isn’t the only Inverness
County fiddler who’s been trotting
around with a new gal in recent months.
I’m told Rannie MacDonald, formerly of
Southwest Margaree, is often spotted
cavorting at the local square dances with
a P.E.I. stepdancer more than 20 years his
junior. I understand the comely lass,
whose name unfortunately escapes me,
made Rannie’s acquaintance while visiting
relatives in Scottsville. She began taking
fiddle lessons from Rannie, and their
romance blossomed from there.
Rannie, 59, is estranged from his wife
Irene (nee Kennedy), and I understand
he’s currently calling a trailer in Kenloch,
near Strathlorne, home.
I see where the Schwartz family-owned
Seaside Communications has turned to
Halifax media guru Jim Meek to peddle
influence in the corridors of power.
Now Noel Sampson’s partner in the Public
Affairs Atlantic Inc. consulting biz, long
time Chronically Horrid columnist Jim is
busy as a beaver, lobbying MLAs, the
Treasury and Policy Board, and the Economic
Development office, on behalf of
Seaside’s rural broadband interests.
So far the province has contributed
$900,000 to Seaside coffers, to bring highspeed
internet to the sticks.
Port Hawkesbury RCMP say there’s
nothing to see here, but I can’t help but
wonder what in the hell was going on at
Paul and Jean Dorton’s Tamarac Drive
abode on Easter morning.
One of my Strait Area sources says a
male in his 20s, presumably one of the
couple’s sons, was taken out of the home
in handcuffs at about 8:45 a.m. on April
24.
It would seem, judging from RCMP Sgt.
Shelby Miller’s contention that the “matter
is closed,” that no charges were laid.
You might remember that Paul and
Jean, both of whom toil in the maintenance
department of the NSCC’s Strait Area Campus,
won the grand prize dream home in
the 2008 QE2 Lifestyles Lottery.
Instead of moving to the big city, the couple
opted to unload their 492 Voyageur
Way, Hammonds Plains abode, pay off
their mortgage, and enjoy the (usually)
quiet life in Port Hawkesbury.
It appears 81-year-old molar polisher
Royden Trainor is going through Adult Diversion
after being charged with mischief
in connection with the keying of a vehicle
belonging to Port Hawkesbury Mayor Billy
Joe MacLean’s son-in-law Jeremy Gillis
(Frank 608).
Royden was scheduled to be arraigned
on the charge in Provincial Court on April
14. Court documents now indicate that he’s
scheduled to return to court September
26 for a “status update,” which is generally
indicative of admittance into Adult Diversion.
The program offers offenders the
chance to avoid a conviction while still accepting
responsibility for their actions and
making reparations to their victims.
In relation to the case, RCMP Sgt. Shelby
Miller would only say that “there are many
alternative ways that the courts deal with
charges.”
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

Has anybody else had enough of LeRoy
Peach?
If the Port Morien denizen isn’t spouting
tired cliches during his regular bits on Information
Morning (spring must be here,
the Leafs are out — ed.), he’s nattering on
about nothing in his weekly Cape Breton
Post column.
I nearly flipped my lid when I spotted a
letter to the editor to the Post the other
week, during which he, for some unknown
reason, felt the need to enlighten readers
about a conversation he had with his
nephew about something or other.
The guy’s an old woman’s arse, there
ain’t no two ways about it.
CBRM residents interested in the
upcoming Utility and Review Board public
meeting dealing with the future size of
Council would be wise to get their hands
on a board consultant’s report which recommends
that it be reduced by four seats
before the next election.
The report says municipal democracy
will not be seriously altered by a change
from 16 to 12 councillors. A smaller council,
it argues, will not lead to the loss of
localized identities, but can help place
greater emphasis on the larger regional
identity.
The document is also highly critical of
the way council went about gathering public
input on the issue. The consultant says
public meeting minutes reflected not what
was said by citizens, but the supposed
“accomplishments” of the gatherings. It
also blasts council’s blind refusal to listen
to its own consultant, who likewise recommended
culling the herd.
The truth is this decision should have
been made years ago, but a cabal of backward-thinking
councillors were able to
stem the tide of change. It won’t work again.
The meeting is scheduled for May 30.
John Morgan, aka the prophet of gloom
and doom, is spreading his message of
despair again, this time to the local Chamber
of Commerce.
The CBRM mayor was singing his same
tired tunes — out-migration, lack of cash
from the other levels of government, etc.
— at the Chamber’s meeting at the North
Star Motel in North Sydney last month.
I’m ashamed to say that not one member
of the business community asked for the
mayor’s solution to the problem. Three
softball questions and he was off the hook.
Disgraceful.
“You tell me why kids do the things they
do,” thundered Cape Breton University
athletics department communications
honcho Doug MacKenzie when I asked for
LeRoy Peach, shown here prior to boring a pair of lobsters to death.
a comment to explain the alleged behaviour
of former varsity basketball star Phillip
Nkrumah.
As you’ve likely heard, the Brampton
native is set to appear in Provincial Court
on May 19 to enter a plea on charges including
assaulting a police officer, resisting
and obstructing an officer, and causing
a disturbance as a result of an incident
at the Capri Club on Charlotte Street
in late February.
At presstime, I was still waiting for CBU
Community Studies professor Jane
Connell — or anyone from the knowledge
box, for that matter — to answer a fresh
allegation that she, like Sociology professor
Joe Parish (Frank 609), missed an
inordinate amount of classes this school
year. I’m sure Jane, the wiferoo of CBU
vice-president external Keith Brown, will
get to me sooner or later.
Could the “erosion of staff morale” at the
Cape Breton Regional Hospital, recently
referred to by departing thoracic surgeon
Dr. Russ Gowan (Frank 608, 610), have
anything to do with this individual’s heartless
comment?
An acquaintance tells me that an elderly
patient ended up with severe chafing after
soiling herself and being forced to sit in it
all night. When she complained to a nurse
the next morning, the nurse commented
that, “This is a hospital, not a nursing
home.”
Nice.
More than a decade after court action
began, a medical malpractice trial addressing
the plight of a severely paralyzed
Louisbourg woman begins on May 24 in
Sydney.
Victoria Renata Anderson, 37, has been
a prisoner in her own body, only able to
move her eyelids, for 14 years, following a
1997 visit to the VG Hospital for treatment
of her recurrent inflammatory bowel disease.
The plaintiffs, Victoria and her parents,
Mildred and Victor Anderson (Ray
Wagner and Michael Dull, Wagner & Associates),
are accusing the defendants,
the Queen Elizabeth Health Sciences
Centre, Dr. S. Wagner and Dr. S.A. Gee
(Dan Campbell, Cox & Palmer) of botching
attempts to insert a catheter into one
of Victoria’s central veins, causing a stroke
which led to her condition.
The court has set aside an astounding
49 days to hear the evidence.
Gotta love the spanking-new Cape
Breton tourism slogan: No Wrong Turn.
Anybody familiar with Marketing 101
knows you never use a negative when
seeking a positive response. But the geniuses
at Destination Cape Breton and the
Extreme Group managed to cram two
negative words into a three-word slogan.
Nice work.
Of course, this Herculean effort is at least
partially financed by your friends at Enterprise
Cape Breton Corporation. Destination
C.B. has received $1,267,743 from the
corporate welfare specialists since 2007.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 11

Shake hands
with the Bubba
BY JACOB BOON
ST. FRANCIS XAVIER UNIVERSITY RUNS THE RISK OF PISSING OFF RENOWNED
PATRON ROMEO DALLAIRE BY BRINGING IN FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON
FOR A PHOTO OP.
Slick Willy is sliding his way into X on May 11 to attend the opening of
Frank McKenna’s new Frank McKenna Centre for Leadership, which is
something I can’t imagine sits too well with the General.
Romeo, who has been a good friend
to the university in the past and has
worked closely with the Coady Institute
for Leadership Education, has been
fiercely critical of Bill’s inaction during
the mid-’90s genocide in Rwanda.
Back in 1994, the Clinton Administration’s
turning of a blind eye to the
crisis helped lead to some 500,000
deaths, and over two million refugees
fleeing the African nation.
In his 2003 memoir of time stationed
in Rwanda, General Dallaire recalls,
with barely disguised contempt, that,
“The great humanitarians in the U.S.
administrations wanted no part of any-
President Bill Clinton
Gen. Romeo Dallaire
thing inside Rwanda that could lead to
American casualties.”
Liberal Senator’s private secretary David Hyman let me know
As for President Clinton, who offered little support while at the that “General Dallaire doesn’t comment on the public activities of
same time making press statements about strong diplomatic others, as he isn’t a reporter.”
aid, Romeo’s reaction was far more succinct, writing that: For his part, ex-president Bill has labelled his response to
“Clinton’s fibbing dumbfounded me.”
Rwanda as the biggest regret of his presidency, stating in no
The General is even less talkative these days, as when I reached uncertain terms that: “I blew it.”
out for his thoughts on Bill’s upcoming trip to Antigonish, the
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
CHIT CHAT, FROM PREVIOUS PAGE spent the night at a party aboard a boat
Congratulations to
Valarie Sampson
owner of Park Place
Realty on being
named Cape Breton
female entrepreneur
of the year at the
Women in Business
Conference in
Baddeck earlier this
month.
Don’t mean to
brag, but yours truly
recognized Valarie’s
business acumen
Valarie Sampson
well in advance of the shindig (Frank 602).
Speaking of the annual biz conference,
some of the ladies go for the awards, and
others, well, not so much.
I understand two of these fine ladies
12 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
moored at the Baddeck marina along with
two equally fine gentlemen. All are married,
just not to each other.
After their night of (presumably) innocent
good times, I hear the ladies were dropped
off back at their hotel, the Inverary Inn, by a
white van at precisely 6:20 a.m. on Friday.
When encountered on their walk of
shame by a less adventurous matron, the
duo stated they had been “out for a walk,”
despite the fact they were clad in high
heels and identical frocks from the previous
evening.
You go, girls!
While reviewing the latest edition of Brit
publication Managing Intellectual Properties,
I was happy to see that Smart &
Biggar/Fetherstonhaugh’s Montreal office
has been honoured as the mag’s Canadian
IP Firm of the Year, Canadian Trade-
mark Prosecution Firm of the Year, Canadian
Trademark Contentious Firm of
the Year and Canadian Case of the Year,
for the Amazon.com so-called “one click
case.” But I was astounded to note that
Cape Breton’s Largest Law Firm didn’t
appear anywhere in their ranking (shurely
some mistake — ed.).
Naturally, I took it upon my goodself to
dial the London offices of MIP to demand
an explanation for their oversight. The lovely
Diane, who was delighted to speak with
someone “from the colonies,” dutifully
searched her database, but came up
empty. Even a second search, conducted
after I carefully spelled the name of the
venerable firm, S-a-m-p-s-o-n M-c-d-o-ug-a-l-l,
was a bust.
“Nothing whatsoever,” she advised, adding,
“They are obviously not within our orbit”.
Colour me gobsmacked.

The case of the
Crown and the
court reporter
BY MAIRIN PRENTISS
TALENTED AND FRAGRANT CROWN ATTORNEY DENISE SMITH AND
HER HUBBY, CBC NEWSMAN BLAIR RHODES, HAVE GONE THEIR
SEPARATE WAYS.
Denise and sometimes court reporter Blair managed not to
bump into each other at work, as Blair would excuse himself
from reporting on any case that landshark Denise was fighting,
says the Ceeb’s Regional Director Andrew Cochran.
Denise was the prosecutor in the cases of Jason MacRae,
Patricia Boudreau, and most recently young Aaron Marriott: the
worst shot this side of the St. Lawrence.
The Blairster recently signed the matrimonial abode over to
Denise and moved up a couple streets in the Halifax ’burbs.
Olde County
Courthouses?
Pilgrims of the courts suggest the deputy justice minnie Marian
Tyson is angling to axe rural courthouses to save some dollars
up top.
Currently the Annapolis Royal Courthouse is only fully staffed
three days a week. The wheels of justice come grinding to a halt
sometime around Wednesday afternoon.
Though the Nova Scotia Barristers’ Society says there should
be a fully staffed court in every county, Shelburne, Queen’s,
Guysborough, Antigonish courts may soon be dusty ghost town
relics, according to whispers. However, DOJ spokesthingy Tara
Walsh says that while the department is facing budget cutbacks,
no courthouses are slated to close.
One forest dwelling Q.C. says if courts do close it will hike up
legal costs for his clients, who may end up having to travel up to
70 clicks to go court.
One unsympathetic court hotshot quipped, “Well they seem to
get to Bingo OK.”
Bright idea man
leaves boards
Stewart McKelvey pardner George Caines has ended his terms
on the board of directors at Emera and Nova Scotia Power Corp.
(where he was chair), the sentimental electricians who often
graciously remind us what a pleasure it is to read by candlelight.
“I was getting to be the age where it was the time for me to step
down,” says George who raked in $103,624-per in his part-time
gig on the Emera board.
Under George and the boardies’ lightbulb-leadership, the power
corp brought in record profits while proposing a 20 per cent rate
hike so it can dish out more dough to the shareholders.
LEGAL BRIEFS
Georgie, who was called to the bar nearly 50 years ago, plans
to continue working full-time for StewMac.
Sporty lawyer
departs
Lawyer Catherine Meade is leaving her post as Bell Aliant’s
corporate counsel, packing her bags and pole vaulting up-country
to Toronto the Good to work for the 2015 Pan-American
Games. Cat, who unsuccessfully ran for the Liberals in 2008
against Dipper Megan Leslie, is an advocate for the gay community
in sport. She helped organize the 2006 World Outgames
in Montreal, a sort of queer-friendly Olympics.
Trans-continental
Legalist Lee Cohen says his former client Tanya Bloomfield
felt Canadian Immigration services was “unfavourably disposed
to her because she is a transgendered person,” and sent her
packin’ back to the U.K.
Lee describes the situation as “quite sad on a variety of fronts.
A lot of personal pain.”
CIC didn’t renew Tanya’s (nee Timothy) work permit after her
marriage to a Nova Scotian woman fell apart, leading to her loss
of spousal sponsorship in 2010. She asked to stay in Canada
anyway, saying she feared the quite-Catholic folks back home
in Northern Ireland wouldn’t welcome her with open arms.
Tanya moved to Brighton, England, however, not wanting to
continue the fight all the way to the Refugee Board.
Parker Sr. and Parker Jr.
Boink and Oink’s, er, Boyne and Clarke’s young lawyer David
S. Parker, the heir to adjudicator extraordinaire David T.R. Parker’s
brain trust, has been charged with operating a vehicle without
a licence following an October 25 incident.
Well, Baby Dave, as long as you’re not operating a courtroom
without a dictionary, like his Papa, then that’s swell.
Young Dave, 32, toils as a personal injury lawyer. He’s due
back in court on May 31.
mairin@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 13

The Pope
& the pervert
BY DAN WALSH
FORMER ROMAN CATHOLIC BISHOP RAYMOND LAHEY’S KIDDIE PORN
GUILTY PLEA CAME JUST THREE DAYS AFTER THE BEATIFICATION OF KAROL
JOZEF WOJTYLA, THE POPE WHO KEPT HIS EYES AVERTED AS THE
CHURCH’S WORST SEX ABUSE SCANDALS WERE EXPOSED.
And while Pope Benedict was only too happy to fast-track the
sainthood of his predecessor Pope John Paul II, the Vatican is
taking its sweet old time announcing the punishment of Lahey,
whose Canada Customs-seized laptop contained 588 child porn
photos, 33 sex videos, and numerous explicit stories involving the Raymond Lahey
degradation of children.
According to the May 6 Irish Times (published in Dublin, where rampant Catholic
priest sex abuse went unchecked for decades), the Vatican said in a statement on
Lahey: “Although the civil process has run its course, the Holy See will continue to follow
the canonical procedures in effect for such cases which will result in the imposition of
the appropriate disciplinary or penal measures.”
Hardly a fire and brimstone condemnation, is it?
When Lahey was first arrested, an RCMP officer in the Child Exploitation Unit in Halifax
told me: “Anyone who views child porn is considered a pedophile.” (Frank 570).
Research, he told me, has shown that 85 per cent of people who view, make, or trade
in child pornography have either in the past sexually abused a child, or is at a very high
risk to abuse a child.
As the Irish Times put it: “The Holy See’s continued handling of the Lahey case seems
certain to present a revealing litmus test of the church’s willingness (or not) to pursue
not only abuser priests but also abuser bishops.”
Personally, I know many Catholics in Antigonish are glad to see Lahey rot in hell, I
mean, his cell.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
Churchy
swap-eroo
BY DAN WALSH
IT APPEARS ANGLICAN BISHOP SUE
MOXLEY’S PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED,
AND A BUYER HAS BEEN FOUND FOR ST.
MATTHIAS CHURCH.
I’m hearing the historic prayer barn on
Chebucto and Windsor, a victim of Bishop
Sue’s corporate agenda of forced mergers
(Frank 596), will soon be home to St.
Antonios Antiochian Orothodox Church,
the predominantly Lebanese congregation
next to the former Olympic Gardens community
centre, which St. Antonios purchased
over a decade ago.
St. Matthias worhsippers are expected to
make the pilgrimmage to St. Phillips later
in May, and I’m told St. Antonios will oc-
14 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
The tiny old St. Antonios Church.
cupy the vacated church starting in June.
While I haven’t heard a sale price, the
property owned by the St. Matthais congregation
since 1914 is assessed at over $1.5
million.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
Silent Sunday
at St. Pat’s
BY DAN WALSH
ON MAY 22, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE
GREAT WAR, NO SUNDAY MASS WILL BE CEL-
EBRATED AT ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH ON
BRUNWSICK STREET.
Every Sunday, no matter rain or shine;
even in the Halifax Explosion aftermath;
throughout the Dirty Thirties; the Second
World War; V-E Day; the Cold War; the
Cuban Missile Crisis; Pierre Trudeau’s arrogance;
stagflation; disco; Reganomics;
Thatcherism; glasnost; the Vagina Monologues
every V-Day; as sure as our Earth
moves around the sun, every Sunday a
Roman Catholic priest is on hand at St.
Pat’s to perform mass for the faithful.
This tradition, I am sad to report, is over
on May 22, 2011.
What horrible catastrophe caused the St.
Pat’s congregation to temporarily bolt its
prayer barn doors? Bubonic plague? Incessant
gun violence? A 24-hour Pam
Anderson marathon on Spike? I ask you,
what calamity could possibly derail nearly
a century of Sunday services?
Well friends, a most apocalyptic horror
has descended upon the noble and longsuffering
parishioners of St. Patrick’s: joggers.
Once a year, the adherents to this bizarre
cult gather en masse in Halifax to disrupt
the very fabric of our society. Thousands
storm the streets, with all the fervour of a
pagan ritual, to revel in their obnoxious celebration
known as the Bluenose Marathon.
There are so many grunting, panting,
sweaty-faced runners, it becomes nearly
impossible to cross the road without being
kicked in the shin-splints by someone’s
latest pair of New Balances.
Just imagine, the poor old church ladies
in their Sunday best, having to struggle
against a swarm of Nike sweatpants to
reach their discreetly parked cars. Oh, the
humanity!
And imagine, inside the quiet church, trying
to raise one’s voice in praise of the
Lord, while outside runners groan, curse
and collapse from pulled hamstrings, hip
stress, and patellofemoral syndrome.
No doubt about it, the Bluenose Marathon
is a modern-day scourge and pestilence
that requires the patience of Job to
endure.
St. Patrick’s regular weekend mass will
occur instead on Saturday, May 21 at 4 p.m.
Amen.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca

Lonely
at Rowan
BY DAN WALSH
ONLY THREE EMPLOYEES NOW TOIL IN THE
DESERTED ROWAN HQ IN BURNSIDE,
INCLUDING 13-YEAR COMPANY MAN ROBERT
RITTER, WHO IS SUING HIS ABSENTEE EMPLOYER
FOR WRONGFUL DISMISSAL.
After three decades as a lynchpin in Nova
Scotia’s offshore industry, Rowan pulled
up stakes and put its HQ on the market.
Sutton Group’s Joe Chisholm is selling
the property at a bargain $1,499,000, which
presumably includes the immobile Rowan
logo that is embedded in a large rock out
front, which now resembles a fossil more
than a symbol of permanence.
As reported elsewhere, the $83,000-per
planner Robert launched a Supreme
Court suit against Rowan, which gave him
just over eight months notice, and keeps
him on the payroll until before Halloween
2011.
SHIPPING NEWS
BY DAN WALSH
AN EXPANSION AT ONE OF THE WORLD’S BUSIEST SEAPORTS SHOULD
DRIVE A STAKE INTO THE HEART OF HALIFAX PORT AUTHORITY QUEEN
KAREN OLDFIELD’S FAR EAST AMBITIONS.
The Port of Los Angeles is spending $10 billion over the next
decade to accommodate even more of the lucrative Asia trade
into the U.S. Midwest.
Strategically, L.A. is perfectly situated to receive goods from the
Asian market bound for Chicago; under Karen’s watch, Halifax
has chased this trade for nearly a decade without results (Frank
606). One look at a map tells you why: major West Coast ports
like L.A. are about 5,000 nautical miles closer to regional powerhouses
like Shanghai than Halifax is, via the Suez.
Local industry vets have long argued that the $270,000-per Karen
has neglected the traditional North Atlantic market, one of the
few markets where Halifax terminals — which operate at about
half-capacity — can compete, to chase unicorns in China, India
and Vietnam.
I have no doubt Karen and her well-compensated board of directors
have captured many lovely snapshots during their frequent
Asian jaunts, so I can not, in good conscience, declare the
HPA missions a total failure.
Simply put, wee little Halifax can not compete with the big boys
like L.A. — which has invested over $50 million in cleaner air
initiatives and other green technologies — even if Halifax had
geographical and economic advantages, which clearly it does
not.
Don’t even get me started on the nonexistent ports at Sydney
and Melford, both of which are fantasy projects that require tens
Court papers, penned by Stewmac’s
Grant Machum, suggest that Rowan pays
its departing workers one month per year
of service, meaning Robert believes he is
eligible for nearly five months more wages,
or in the neighbourhood of an extra
$34,000.
We connoisseurs of leisure probably
can’t appreciate Robert’s frustrations
when he claims he there is “nothing for
him to do,” and he is unable to get “information
regarding his work duties” from
Rowan. Dude, it’s called the internet! Surf
Rowan’s lonely HQ in Burnside.
away! Thousands of Nova Scotians would
kill for your workplace problems!
One source tells me that Rowan’s “family
atmosphere” of years past has
changed: even before the global drilling
behemoth left town, its Burnside employees
were aware of a new cut-throat corporate
agenda, where the bottom line is king
and employee loyalty is thrown out the window.
Rowan has filed no defence, and
Robert’s claims are not proven in court.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
of millions in railway upgrades.
Then again, if hell freezes over and either Sydney or Melford do
come onstream, at least Halifax will have a competitive advantage
over someone.
The Port Of Los Angeles has allocated $222 million (only slightly
more than what Cher annually spends to maintain her perfect
face), for a major dredging job to deepen its access channel to
53-feet.
Compare this figure — and the Port of Miami’s $150 million
plan to dredge its harbour to 50 feet (Frank 609, 610) — with
Sydney’s proposed $38 million dredging of its 8.5-kilometre
channel to 55 feet.
Again I repeat: the numbers touted by the Sydney Port Corporation,
and the federal and provincial governments, are wildly
unrealistic.
Expect to see the Halifax shipping community descend in droves
on the Ashburn Golf Course on May 24, for a final send-off to
outgoing Halterm skipper Doug Rose.
No doubt Doug’s employer MacQuarrie will arrange for a 21gun
salute as he hands the captain’s wheel over to Aussie Ashley
Dinning (Frank 604, 609).
Slowly, quietly, you can see evidence Halterm is getting ready
for the arrival of its two new Post-Panamax cranes.
Among the visible improvements is the widening of the trucker’s
access road into the container terminal. I understand Marginal
Road will cut off near Dover Mills, and Halterm will expand northward,
where CN has removed some rail.
This re-configuration yields a whole new block of land to
marshall truckers, who have forever complained about delays
getting into and out of the terminal.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 15

Geezers fete Honest John
I refuse to be fettered
by a lobster bib!
How undiginified.)
BY DAN WALSH
FOR ONE NIGHT, CLOSE TO 290 TORIES SET
ASIDE THEIR WORRIES ABOUT NOVA SCOTIA’S
FISCAL OUTLOOK TO PAY HOMAGE TO FORMER
LEADER JOHN BUCHANAN, THE LEGENDARY
POLITICIAN WHO SHACKLED FUTURE GENERA-
TIONS WITH BILLIONS IN DEBT.
For one night, Tories basked in the glow
of John and his lovely wife Mavis, who
looked radiant, surrounded by friends and
hundreds of supporters. It was a happy
evening — to celebrate John’s 80th and
the 40th anniversary of his winning the Tory
leadership — at the St. George’s Greek
Church Hall on Purcell’s Cove Road.
I didn’t spy Ralph Medjuck anywhere, the
developer who profited enormously from
Buchanan’s years in office, nor did I see
Stu McInnes, George Archibald, Bill
Black, or Halifax Mayor Peter Kelly.
But Tory dinosaurs were out in full force:
Neil LeBlanc, Joe “Bowtie” MacDonald,
Walter Thompson, Ken Streatch, Tom
McInnes, Rick Grant (the Tory, not the ATV
reporter), Bill Sutherland, Lorne Clarke and his son Colin Clarke
of Cox & Palmer, Alan Hayman, Helen Gillis, Rob Smith, Dugger
MacNeil, Roger O’Neill, along with MLAs Chris D’Entremont, Keith
Bain, Alfie MacLeod, and N.S. Tory Leader Jamie Baillie, who I’m
told man-of-the-hour John more than once referred to as “Bail.”
Competition to attend this historic event was fierce. I’m told more
than 60 languished on the waiting list for tickets. Even flea market
king Bill Mont got turned away at the door, although I hear he
managed to slip a note to John before he was rounded up by Tory
Robocops and sent packing. Ever the party animal, Bill merely
shrugged and returned to twirl a couple ladies around the
Northwood dance floor.
Gerry Regan’s pre-taped speech notwithstanding, Rollie
Thornhill delivered the best tale of the night, although I’m sure
half in attendance had already heard it several times before.
Rollie told his captive audience he met John back in 1955, when
they both were both Dalhousie students working on the waterfront.
It was, of course, the coldest night in Rollie’s life, and the
poor guy wasn’t dressed for it. At breaktime, he stepped into a
nearby boxcar to escape the elements, and there was John
Buchanan, sitting like Buddha in the corner.
John was more prepared than Rollie. He was better dressed
and carried a thermos of tea. Rollie eyed the tea enviously. Ever
the sport, John shared his brew, and the two became fast friends,
political allies for life and the rest, as they say, is history. As Rollie
put it, “That was the most expensive goddamn cup of tea I ever
had.”
Did I mention this Walk Down John Buchanan Memory Lane
Tory Craziness lasted six hours? That’s right, six bloody hours!
That’s like watching Gone With The Wind one-and-a-half times!
Why, you’d get to see Atlanta sacked twice!
If anyone can turn a simple lobster supper into an evening of
casual social torture, it’s Honest John.
I must confess, I left as soon as the Tory faithful began to don
their bibs, as the bustling kitchen staff served up the Sambro
16 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Cripes! I haven’t
seen Tories
wearing bibs
since Belinda
Stronach unveiled
her platform.
Tando MacIssac, the fastest Tory this side of the Mississippi,
clocked at the hip-breaking pace of 2 km/h.
lobsters. I can think of few things I’d rather witness than the sight
of Buchanan-era Tories smacking their lips as they suck the
white meat out of dead, broken claws. But that’s just me.
The highlight, I’m advised, occurred after festivities hit the fivehour
mark, when John and Mavis’s fabulous daughter, Rev. Natalie
Buchanan, stood up to say a few words.
I can’t for the life of me understand why the room cleared after
it dawned on some of the remaining diehards that Natalie’s “few
words” were going to climax in a group sing-along.
I’m told some — no doubt the tone-deaf in attendance — were
horrified when Nat suggested everyone break out into a spontaneous
rendition of, “If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your
Hands.”
I’m further advised more folks rushed the exits, after Nat smartly
suggested the Tory stragglers follow up that majestic anthem by
crooning, “You Are My Sunshine.”
No doubt those who stayed until the bitter end emerged from
the evening finer people and wiser for the experience.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca

One hopes former Chief Justice Lorne
Clarke will grant leniency for his son Colin
Clarke (left) and Patrick Moriarty’s
impending trial for partying too hard.
A swish-looking
Captain Ted
Worthington channels
Tucker Carlson.
Baillie chief of staff Ted Larsen was among white-haired friends.
Jamie Baillie and
Helen Gillis do their
best impressions of
each other.
Good grief, bring on
the lobster!
Baillie’s birthday wishes to John were
almost as stirring as Marilyn Monroe’s,
but didn’t quite turn as many eyes.
Dugger McNeil (left) participates
in the biggest-grin party game.
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 17

Telling tales in the
Jacques divorce courtroom
BY ANDREW DOUGLAS
FRANK MAGAZINE HAS WON THE FIRST BAT-
TLE IN THE LEGAL WAR TO ACCESS THE DIVORCE
FILE OF GAZILLIONAIRE JACQUES WHITFORD
MOGUL HECTOR JACQUES AND HIS ESTRANGED
WIFE SHARON. JUSTICE BERYL MACDONALD
RULED LAST MONTH THAT THE PROVINCE’S ME-
DIA WILL BE ADVISED OF THE UPCOMING FRANK
V. JACQUES COURT BATTLE, SCHEDULED FOR
JUNE 28, VIA THE COURTS’ ELECTRONIC NOTI-
FICATION SYSTEM.
Which is sorta funny, considering I’ve
been notifying you, ad nauseam, about the
pending fight since March (Frank 606). But
that’s not to say the April 28 hearing was
completely without entertainment value.
For the second time in under 12 months,
Blois Nickerson family law specialist
Gordon Kelly, representing Sharon in the
matter, placed his hands on my junk without
invitation.
Upon noticing that my Blackberry had
been placed on the ledge separating the
lawyers from the common folk in order to
record the hearing, he picked it up and carried
it over to Justice Beryl.
“It actually is recording,” he noted to Her
Honour, adding insistently, when she
didn’t immediately acknowledge him,
“M’lady”. She replied with a tone of maternal
exasperation more commonly found
in elementary school teachers when deal-
Ralston’s troubles grow
BY NEAL OZANO
FOLKS ARE SEEING MORE SIGNS OF TROU-
BLE IN THE STATE OF THE RALSTON
MACDONNELL EMPIRE — ESPECIALLY THE SIGN
THAT SAYS “MUNICIPALITY OF SHELBURNE TAX
SALE.”
The Shelburne Boys’ School and 19
hectares around it, including the Bowood
Recycling Depot, all owned by Ralston’s
Bowood Corporation Inc., are up for tax
sale by the municipality May 17 for three
years (more than $150,000) in tax arrears.
Officials say, however, Ralston can stop
the sale and keep the land and buildings
if he finds the cash within six months.
Digby Wharf honcho MacDonnell bought
the much-discounted Boys’ School in 2007
from his former NSCAD co-director and
18 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
ing with the classroom tattle-tale.
“I don’t need to look at it, I take it that is
happening from what I can see, I don’t
need it brought any closer,” she scolded.
Gordo dutifully returned it to the ledge.
The episode began when, about 20 minutes
into the hearing, Stewart McKelvey
bulldog Mick Ryan’s female assistant
handed him a note informing him that recording
was taking place. Mick, as noted
previously, is acting for Hector Jacques in
the matter.
Mick raised the issue to Justice Beryl,
and Gordon echoed his concerns. Both
were mortified that I had been making the
recording “in secret,” albeit in full view of
everyone. Justice Beryl noted that the rules
are that you’re not supposed to record without
permission.
It was around this point that I mentioned
to Frank counsel Alan Parish, of Burchells
LLP, that a memo outside the courtroom
door, and another in the lobby, specifically
states that media are, in fact, allowed to
record proceedings to aid in note taking.
Recess time!
Justice Beryl repaired to her Chambers
to read the memo, and Alan, Gordon, Mick,
and his female assistant all filed out of the
courtroom, a mini field-trip as it were, to
read the memo.
Courts of N.S. spokesthingy John Piccolo
would later tell me the policy was
adopted in mid-2008.
SWSDA kingpin Frank Anderson for
$550,000 — $9.1 million less than it was
assessed at in 2001 (Frank 509).
Ralston didn’t return a detailed email,
and phones at the main office weren’t answered.
I’m told the Boys’ School isn’t being
maintained at all.
“The buildings are an absolute wreck,”
says a source.
The source also suggests the bills for
the Boys’ School aren’t always promptly
paid. A 15-room student residence at the
school, Fitzmaurice House, spent the winter
with “no heat or hot water for three
months” even though there were “four or
five” NSCC students living there. I’m told
one hearty student held out until this April.
Some sources suggest there may have
I’m telling!
Gordon
Kelly
“Sorry about my deficiency folks,” Justice
Beryl apologized when court resumed.
After adjournment, Mick shook my hand
congenially, laughing about the matter.
Gordon didn’t.
I can’t help but recall another incident at
the Devonshire Avenue courthouse, last
May 20 to be precise, when Gordo placed
his palm on my camera lens in an attempt
to block my taking a picture of his client,
N.G. businessman Reaud Harris, in a courtroom
hallway. Media, incidentally, are also
allowed to take photos in designated courthouse
areas, including hallways. Nevertheless,
the indignant legal beagle complained
to Justice Jim Williams that I had
“accosted” his client (Frank 586).
andrew@atlanticfrank.ca
been an issue with Nova Scotia Power
recently, too — it may have threatened cut
the power due to some unpaid bills. But
supposedly, when the threat came in,
Ralston found the money, in the thousands
of dollars, I’m told, “within the hour,” my
source says. And the bottle depot can now
only be contacted by a 1-800 number forwarded
to an employee’s personal cell
phone.
Moldy beer isn’t the only thing that stinks
down there. We’ve heard from several
sources in Shelburne that the bottle depot
is often a little short on cash for bottle returns,
and we reported in Frank 606 that
the Resource Recovery Fund Board,
which administers bottle depots and the
like, shut down the bottle depot for two
weeks, after public complaints that it wasn’t
open at the posted hours. Our source suggests
that it’s still only open four days a
week.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 29

Jumpin’ Judy Hare makes
more than the Mayor
BY MAIRIN PRENTISS
THE LAST TIME THE JAUNDICED PAGES OF THE
MEDIA REPORTED THE STACKED-TO-THE-
RAFTERS SALARY OF LIBRARIAN-IN-CHIEF
JUDITH HARE, SHE DISMISSED IT AS “YELLOW
JOURNALISM CRAP.”
Back then in 2003, Judy was raking in
$116,00-per to make sure everyone was
doing their jobs and sorting out books
properly. (By colour, right? — ed.)
An appointment such as that, comes with
stressful moments undoubtedly. For instance,
without library science training one
might never know where to shelve the gruelling
read Ulysses. Is it fiction? Or would
it go under section 365 Penal & Related
Institutions subsection Torture Methods?
It’s shurely commendable work, but I am
gobsmacked to report that Judy pulls in
$146,422.61/per, over $8,000 more than
Halifax Mayor Peter Kelly.
Yes, Judy’s salary has more digits than
some Dewey Decimal classifications. Judy
Library by the numbers
JUDITH HARE, CEO:
$146,422.61
SUSAN McLEAN, public services
director/deputy CEO:
$107,617.15
PAULA SAULNIER, corporate research
& development director:
$107,617.15
BRUCE GORMAN, IT and collection
management director:
$107,617.15
CATHY MADDIGAN, human resources
director: $107,617.15
SHAWN WEST, finance & facilities
director: $95,671.25
earns more in a day than the temperature
at which books begin to burn. Judy has
more dollars in the bank at the end of a
year than her most recent glass box — the
Keshen Goodman Library — has books.
Hoof it! It’s the cops!
BY NEAL OZANO
WELL, THE RUMOURS ARE TRUE: SOMEONE WAS RIDING A HORSE DOWN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET IN MIDDLETON.
Town RCMP confirmed they were called, but say horse and rider
were gone by the time they had galloped down to the scene of the
“crime.”
But is it even a crime? Could the mystery cowboy (or cowgirl) who
was trotting merrily along at 6:25 p.m. on April 19 be charged?
According to one Q.C. lawyer, so long as you follow the rules of the
road, there’s no problem.
“You can ride a horse on a public highway, but you must go in the
same direction as traffic,” he says.
But you can’t leave Trigger unattended.
“You’re not allowed to ride up to the bar and drop the reigns and
walk in there.”
No horses allowed on the sidewalk, either.
And if your horses happen to be pulling a sleigh, they have to have
jingle bells. That’s right there in Section 167 of the Motor Vehicles
Act (yes, we know — horses don’t have motors — ed.).
“There’s a lot of things in the MVA about horses that have been there
for 100 years and just haven’t been taken out, because they still apply,”
he says.
Thank goodness.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
Judy Hare poses for yellow journalists
(not exactly as illustrated).
Amidst the hoopla of Jude’s impending
$55 million book repository — winter garden
and all — we could no longer ignore
this frightful bete noire.
mairin@atlanticfrank.ca
Ousider urged
for deputy
chief probe
BY NEAL OZANO
HALIFAX’S DEPUTY POLICE CHIEF CHRIS MCNEIL, ON
SUSPENSION FOR ALLEGED PERJURY, SHOULD NOT BE
INVESTIGATED BY HIS OWN POLICE FORCE, ACCORDING TO MANY
RANK-AND-FILE COPS — OR ANY OTHER N.S. FORCE.
CBC reported on March 21 that Bridgewater cop boss
Brent Crowhurst conducted the investigation looking into
actions of Integrity Investigations, the private lie-detector
company owned by police officers Mark Hartlen and
Darrell Gaudet. Hartlen was demoted to staff sergeant in
2008 for his connection to Integrity, while Staff. Sgt. Darrell
still works as a watch commander.
There will be “perceptions of bias” if the probed is conducted
by law enforcement from this province, I’m hearing
from cop foot-soldiers.
It’s true you can’t swing a cat in Nova Scotia without
smacking a McNeil in some sort of police or public official
role. McNeil, as previously reported in these pages, has
some 700 siblings.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 19

Ashley’s N.S. ordeal
BY DAN WALSH
FORMER NOVA INSTITUTION FOR WOMEN
WARDEN ALFRED LEGERE HAS NO COMMENT
ON THE RECENT SETTLEMENT BETWEEN THE FAM-
ILY OF THE LATE ASHLEY SMITH AND HIS BOSS,
CORRECTIONAL SERVICES CANADA.
“I’m not aware of any of the settlement
details,” said Alfred, now assistant warden
at Springhill, the federal medium security
prison for men.
Alfred was personally named in the $11
million Ontario Superior Court lawsuit,
with 18 others, including prison guards,
assistant and acting wardens, and former
CSC commissioner Keith Coulter.
The lawsuit dates from July 2009, 21
months after Ashley hung herself on a
piece of cloth in a segregation cell inside
Grand Valley Institution in Kingston, Ont.
In the suit, Alfred was one of four senior
officials listed who “instructed staff... they
were not to enter Ashley Smith’s cell if she
was breathing.”
Forbidden from entering her cell, guards
watched the 19-year-old turn purple for half
Lung honcho’s
parking problem
BY NEAL OZANO
A VERY SPECIFIC PARKING PROBLEM IS AP-
PARENTLY JUST ONE REASON LUNG ASSOCIA-
TION OF NOVA SCOTIA STAFF ARE FLEEING THE
NON-PROFIT.
I’m told $105,000-per CEO and president
Louis Brill leaves his black Toyota
Corolla in the disabled stall at 6331 Lady
Hammond Road daily, leaving the disabled
- including some volunteers with lung disease
- unable to get inside.
“It was an ongoing joke, but it wasn’t very
funny,” says one source.
“Why doesn’t he just assign himself the
spot beside the handicapped stall? It’s not
like he doesn’t have the power to do that.”
A call to UNB grad Louis — “a natural
born coach,” according to the Lung Association’s
website, as well as director of the
Nova Scotia Special Olympics until 2005
— went unanswered before press time,
and an email kindly noted that he was on
vacation until May 24.
Meantime, another chatterer says four
communication managers, two health initiatives
managers and four fund develop-
20 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
an hour. When they finally intervened, she
was dead.
In the last year of her life, prison officials
transferred Ashley exactly 17 times.
The subject of a Fifth Estate documentary,
Ashley endured three stints at Truro’s
Nova Institute, totalling 89 days incarceration,
and an additional three days at the
Central Nova Correctional Facility in
Burnside in her final year.
According to court documents, Ashley’s
August 2007 Nova Institute confinement
resulted in seven grievances filed against
her jailers. Ashley’s complaints included:
(1) CSC staff used excessive force against
her; (2) for four days, they refused to let her
leave her cell for physical exercise; (3) they
failed to provide copies of decisions from
reviews of her segregation status; (4) they
refused to provide food beyond finger
foods; (5) they refused to provide soap; (6)
they refused to provide sufficient toilet paper
(only four squares at a time); (7) they
refused to provide a sufficient number of
tampons or underwear during her men-
Ashley Smith
struation.
Ashley’s horrific experience in the Nova
Scotia prison system was repeated in
every single institution in which she was
placed across the country.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 22
Louis Brill’s car parked in the handicapped parking spot.
ment managers have left or been terminated
in the last two years.
“The attrition rate has been overboard.”
I understand some unhappy campers
have complained to Lung Association
board chairwoman Linda Gregory.
“They don’t do anything about it because
he gives them the results they want,” the
source says. On top of his salary, Lucky
Louis was given a $10,000 bonus in 2009,
I understand.
Linda, the Municipality of Digby warden,
didn’t return a call for comment before
press time.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca

Jim Smith’s budget siesta
BY DAN WALSH
I GUESS DEPUTY MAYORS, LIKE SUSPECTED
CRIMINALS, ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
TOWN.
“What is Jim Smith doing taking vacation?”
one trusted City Hall source fumed.
“Especially at budget time.”
I don’t know why anyone is singling out
Albro Lake-Harbourview rep Jimbo, as I
understand no fewer than five councillors
missed the budget vote, thanks to a rescheduling
at the 11th hour.
While I understand both Gloria Mc-
Cluskey and Steve Adams were unavailable
and tending to prior medical appointments,
Reg Rankin’s resurfacing from a
period of personal leave (Frank 608) was
duly noted by the Chronically Horrid
fishwrapper.
Instead of crunching the final numbers
and representing his constituents inside
the council chambers (how thrilling — ed.),
Lucky Jim was relaxing across the pond,
enjoying a two-week long Spanish siesta.
“It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime
vacations,” Jim confides, adding, “It’s hard
to take a break when you’re a public official.”
Jim, who took a leave of absence in
BY DAN WALSH
WHILE I’M HEARING NURSES ARE NONE TOO
HAPPY WITH NSGEU CZARINA JOAN JESSOME
AFTER TALKS BROKE OFF BETWEEN THEIR LOCAL
97 AND THE CAPITAL DISTRICT
HEALTH AUTHORITY, THE
UNSPOKEN QUESTION IS: ARE
THEY MAD ENOUGH TO WALK
AWAY FROM THE UNION?
Some solidarity sources
believe the nurses can mobilize
a radical enough force
to bid goodbye to the Nova
Scotia Government & General
Employees Union, if lastminute
negotiations can’t
keep them off the picketline.
Any move towards decertification
by Local 97 would be
seen as a rejection of Joan’s
leadership, and leave the
NSEGU shaking in its boots,
fearing the risk of depleted
Deputy Mayor Jim Smith and friends
(not exactly as illustrated).
2009 to run for the provincial Liberals and
lost to maverick MLA Trevor Zinck, tells
me he had planned his trip “for over six
months,” and notes he meant to return for
the originally scheduled budget vote on
May 9.
Lockeport native Jim was appointed
HRM Deputy Mayor in November, and
earns 10% more than his council colleagues
for the one-year gig, which pays
$78,326-per.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
Joanie may get bitter pill
coffers.
Local 97 represents more than 2,500
nurses, who hand over the mandatory
1.25% union dues, in exchange for a plastic-wrapped
lyric sheet of
Kumbaya, among other
perks.
The numbers I’m hearing
suggest Local 97 nurses
contribute more than $1.75
million annually to the
NSGEU — if, the average
salary is around $60,000,
and individual dues average
$700.
Having rejected a 1% pay
raise (What’s wrong with
that? We’re broke. — ed.),
the nurses of Local 97 may
be eligible to strike by mid-
June. They have been without
a collective agreement
since Oct. 31, 2009.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
Getting Jack
on the grid
BY DAN WALSH
DESPITE THE FINANCIAL CONSTRAINTS
IMPOSED AFTER EDUCATION MINISTER
RAMONA JENNEX SLASHED SCHOOL BOARD
FUNDING, STRAIT REGIONAL SCHOOL
BOARD NINNIES HAVE APPROVED A 4%
RAISE FOR SUPERINTENDENT JACK BEATON.
“Mr. Beaton will be accepting the increase
offered by the Strait Regional
School Board,” mouthpiece Deanna
Gillis informs me via email, after I asked
if the super intends to set an example
in these austere times and refuse the
handsome raise.
After his latest annual performance
review, Jack is in line to pocket an extra
$5,000 or so even as teachers are being
laid off left and right, unionized silly
servants are handed only a 1% pay-hike,
and Finance Minister Graham Steele
is forecasting the 2011 provincial deficit
at $389 million.
Last year Jack’s salary topped
$123,238, making him the second lowest
paid super in Nova Scotia, ahead
of Annapolis Valley Regional’s Margo
Tait (Frank 602).
Demonstrating an admirable flair for
bureaucratese, Deanna says Jack’s
new increase “reflects four steps up on
the provincial compensation grid for superintendents.
The increases places
Mr. Beaton at 98% on the provincial grid.”
The Education Department has no
jurisdiction over the pay-raise issue,
dept. spokesthingy Peter McLaughlin
clarifies, and it has not officially advised
supers to refuse raises or implement
a wage-freeze.
“They’re the employees of the
boards,” he explains.
The May 4 Strait board vote on Jack’s
hike was not unanimous. Boardies
Richelle McLaughlin and Kim Horton
opposed the motion, and I understand
Frank Machnik, a constant thorn in
Jack’s side, was so disgusted by the
proposal, he inadvertently endorsed the
wrong side.
While I’m unaware of the situation at
the other boards, Halifax board
spokesthingy Doug Hadley tells me
Super Carole Olsen is not due for a
raise this year, and last year collected
only the standard 1% offered to public
servants.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 21

Bad company linked to slaying
BY JACOB BOON
THE RECENT MURDER OF 20-YEAR-OLD STACEY ADAMS MAY BE RE-
LATED TO OTHER ATTACKS ON LAWRENCETOWN RESIDENT ALAN MOR-
RIS.
According to a source, prison acquaintances Alan and Stacey
were also acquaintances in crime.
Word on the street is that earlier this year a significant sum of
money went missing from a biker club in Dartmouth with ties to
the Hell’s Angels.
On March 2, Alan was shot outside the New Rodeo Lounge in
Dartmouth. His wife escaped with only minor injuries after being
fired upon in the driveway of their home on March 9.
Woodside resident Stacey wasn’t so lucky. His body was found
outside a Shadwell Lane house on April 10, a victim of apparent
retribution.
Alan, who police have claimed isn’t co-operating with them in
investigations, was most recently pulled over on April 26 in
Dartmouth for driving without a licence. Inside his gold Kia Spectra,
police found a loaded handgun.
Why the moving man moved
BY NEAL OZANO
WONDER IF ROB MUNDEN’S NEW NEIGH-
BOURS NEAR AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN BED-
FORD ARE LESS EXCITABLE THAN HIS OLD ONES
IN HATCHET LAKE.
Rob, who owns and operates
Munden’s Moving & Storage in
Bayers Lake, bought a big
house a little ways from Bedford
South Elementary on
Oceanview Drive in February
— which raised some alarms
with a few folks.
Robby was driven out of his
home in Hatchet Lake by a mob
of baseball-bat-wielding locals
in April of 2008, after he was
accused of putting his hands
down the pants of a 16-yearold
girl.
“They chased him out of the
neighbourhood when they
ASHLEY, FROM PAGE PAGE 20 barbaric treatment came solely at the
In the final weeks of her life, the teen
was on 24-hour suicide watch. Watch,
being the operative word.
Short of Syrian torture survivor Maher
Arar and William Sampson, who narrowly
escaped public beheading in Saudi Arabia,
it is hard to think of another Canadian
who suffered as greatly under authorities
as Ashley Smith.
But unlike Arar and Sampson, Ashley’s
22 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Rob Munden
found out,” says a source.
“They said, Mr. Munden, you’re moving
today.”
Rob had to kick tenants out of a property
he owned in Fairview, the
source says, so he could move
in.
He was sentenced to 30
days of intermittent custody
and two years’ probation July
16, 2009 after pleading guilty
to a single count of sexual assault.
He was ordered not to
see his victim, go where she
works, and had to participate
in mental health and sexual
counselling. His probation is
up soon.
Way back in 2000, Rubby
was convicted with assault
with a weapon, too. But that’s
so long ago, it’s barely relevant.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
hands of Canadian federal officials.
As court documents make clear: “During
the 11.5 months Ashley Smith was incarcerated
in the federal penitentiary system
prior to her death, she was the victim
of countless breaches of law and policy,
including unlawful institutional transfers,
continued housing in segregation without
review and was denied reasonable medical
services. These breaches of law and
policy contributed to Ashley Smith’s dete-
The 31-year-old has some 16 previous
convictions on his record, including
a 2004 sentence for aggravated
assault and firearm charges which led
to a four-year prison stay.
RCMP spokescop Scott MacCrae
wouldn’t confirm if the shootings involving
Alan were in any way related to
Stacey’s murder, saying only that they
are all part of major crime files that are
being “diligently” worked on.
But Corporal Scott did say the events
in question involve a “criminal element”
and are not “random shootings.”
A father and graduate of Dartmouth
Stacey Adams
High, Stacey was expecting a new baby
with girlfriend Ellen Etmanskit at the time of his death.
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
Movin’ On Up
BY NEAL OZANO
DARTMOUTH NORTH MLA TREVOR ZINCK
IS LIVING IN WHAT ONE TRIPADVISER.COM RE-
VIEWER IS CALLING “THE WORST HOTEL I’VE
EVER STAYED IN.”
A friendly concierge who answered the
phone at the Burnside Hotel on Windmill
Road and Wright Avenue (owned by ABCS
Hotels’ Samir Toulany) put me up to
Trevor’s room, but sadly, Trevor wasn’t answering
at the time.
Trev, who is facing a slew of theft and
fraud and breach of trust charges on May
20 (Frank 610) in relation to the MLA expense
scandal, was apparently staying
with friends after his home was foreclosed
for $150,000 by Credit Union Atlantic in
February (Frank 606).
A tipster says Zinck is paying $799 a
month at the hotel. Geeze, for that price
Trev could get a nice apartment nearby on
lovely Primrose Avenue.
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
riorating mental health and increased her
self-harming behaviour, ultimately resulting
in her death.”
A jury inquest into her death is scheduled
to begin May 16 in Toronto, and her
family’s lawyer has suggested it may take
up to a year to hear all the evidence.
Ashley’s six-year prison torture, after
she was jailed at 13 for throwing crab apples
at a postman, ended with her suicide
three months before her 20th birthday.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca

Mental Health Court news
BY JACOB BOON
WHERE DOES JEAN PIERRE D’ENTREMONT REST HIS HEAD?
That was the question at Dartmouth Provincial Court last week
when the Pubnico-born J.P. applied for admission to the province’s
Mental Health Court program.
Judge Pamela Williams expressed concerns that the wiry 28year-old
wouldn’t be able to adequately participate in the MHC’s
intensive treatment program if he was currently residing with his
parents in West Pubnico.
Drugstore toiling mom Pam, and tradesman pop Norbert, who
J.P. has been living with since the holidays, both accompanied
their son to court along with defence counsel Tony Amoud.
Boyne Clarke attorney Tony was a bit behind the eight-ball that
day, having just been thrown J.P.’s case that morning. To the
point that not only did he not know what his client looked like
(mistaking yours truly for the accused), but he also missed the
Mental Health Court’s odd 9 a.m. meeting, at which lawyers and
court officials overview the afternoon’s cases.
Aside from his profuse apologies, Tony also explained to Judge
Williams that J.P. retains his lease on his Morris Street, Halifax,
apartment and could stay there when required to by the Mental
Health program.
That’s the same apartment from which former federal beancounter
J.P. allegedly launched his trio of burglaries last fall, resulting
in his November 28 arrest on multiple break and enters,
as well as two charges of possession of stolen property under
$5,000; specifically items belonging to one Matt McLellan and
clothing belonging to a Chantel Deck.
Judge Williams allowed J.P. his apartment as a temporary resi-
Blowhard Edward gets hard time
BY DAN WALSH
METEOR CREEK RESOURCES KINGPIN
EDWARD WENGER WILL BE HER MAJESTY’S
GUEST UNTIL 2013 FOR THE BIGGEST JOB OF
FAKING IT SINCE MEG RYAN’S FAKE ORGASM
SCENE IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY.
Wenger, 71, was sentenced to two years
in prison for conspiracy to commit
fraud by P.E.I. Supreme
Court Judge John Mitchell, who
denounced the faked Meteor
Creek natural gas discovery well
as “a scam perpetuated on an
unsuspecting public.”
In August 2001 in Bear River,
P.E.I., a crowd formed as a massive
gas flare erupted 25 feet into
the air, “causing dogs to howl
and Meteor Creek executives to
jump for joy,” as one on-the-spot
Guardian hack so aptly put it.
Unbeknownst to spectators and the
media, the much-anticipated flare was not
the sign of a significant natural gas discovery,
but an act of criminal fraud, cooked
up by company executives who simulated
a gas geyser using garden variety propane.
Edward Wenger
Less than 24 hours before the faked
flare, a company test found the surface
pressure in the well equal to about “the
tire pressure in a car tire that is half flat,”
Judge Mitchell wrote, concluding that officials
agreed they “needed a flare to maintain
the public perception that the project
was going ahead.”
Days after they salted the mine,
company exec Jeff Wood described
Meteor Creek in an email
as “Bre-X all over again,” as share
prices rose on the TSX nearly
20%, and about a million shares
changed hands.
Wood says he declined to participate
in the fraudulent scheme,
and was never criminally
charged, although Judge Mitchell
was “less than impressed with
(Wood’s) ethics and honesty”
and determined he was “implicated
in this scam in a much larger way
than he will admit.”
Capitalising on the trading frenzy,
Wenger unloaded 150,000 of his shares,
originally purchased at 72 cents a share,
netting him about $116,000. Within a
month, Wenger had sold a further 100,000
Lawyer Tony Amoud leads J.P. and family out of court.
dence, and set aside June 16 as a screening assessment date
where a team of clinicians and social workers will determine
J.P.’s eligibility for the Mental Health Court program, and create a
support plan to help him through.
Originally created back in 2009, the MHC acts as a voluntary
offender program wherein those charged with a criminal offence
directly connected to a diagnosed mental disorder can avoid a
conviction if they take part in various programs, clinical appointments
and frequent court check-ups.
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
shares, as the stock hit a peak of 83 cents.
As the trading volume rose, investors —
many of them local Islanders — were quick
to buy in, acquiring more than $250,000 in
stock that proved hardly worth the paper it
was printed on.
The debacle was a huge embarrassment
to the then-Pat Binns government,
especially after Mr. Binns went to Washington
T.O. and told Bay Street bigwigs at
the Empire Club that Meteor Creek was
drilling in fields that held a quarter of the
natural gas reserves of Sable Island.
The Crown originally charged Wenger
and company veep David Fisher
(Wenger’s son-in-law), but dropped all
charges against Fisher — who Judge
Mitchell called “Wenger’s puppet” — in exchange
for his testimony against Wenger.
“The evidence is absolutely overwhelming
that there was a conspiracy,” Judge
Mitchell wrote. “Wenger had $277,000
worth of motive.”
Fisher went on to land a senior role with
the frackalious Petroworth, a junior oil
and gas exploration firm which holds a
N.S. licence for exploratory drilling on
330,000 acres around Lake Ainslie, Cape
Breton. Petroworth severed ties with
Fisher and former Meteor execs Patrick
Herne and Donald Young a few years back.
dan@atlanticfrank.ca
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 23

You’re not a union;
you’re just a silly
group of people...
BY MAIRIN PRENTISS
THE CHRONICLE HERALD HAS EFFECTIVELY
SACKED MANY OF OF ITS REGULAR
FREELANCERSS — INCLUDING FIVE STAR COL-
UMNISTS — SEEMINGLY WITHOUT A HINT OF
REGRET.
The affair arose after director of news
discontent Dan Leger refused to negotiate
any further with them about a new
rights-grabbing contract they were asked
to sign or bid adieu.
Among the 21 writers who declined to
sign the contract as it stood are Silver
Donald Cameron, Ralph Surette, Harry
Bruce, Mary Jo Anderson and Judith
Meyrick. The remaining jettisoned writers
are occasional contributors and other freelancers
concerned about the contract,
dubbed “the worst in Canada” by the Canadian
Freelancers Union.
Led by Sunday columnist Silver Don, with
the help of CFU prez Mike O’Reilly, the
writers asked bossman Dan to work out a
contract that everyone could agree upon.
There was a bit of give and take, but Dan
drew a line in the sand over the most contentious
point: the paper’s insistence on
owning all the rights to the writers’ work
forever, and doing with it what it would.
“We pay, we own,” Dan insisted in a
phone interview.
“We’re not a government agency. We’re
not a philanthropic organization. We’re a
business.”
Some folks signed the contract before
they discovered there was a bargaining
movement afoot or what in tarnation the
legalese meant. Others knowingly signed
to keep the cheques rolling in. Their work
can now be used anywhere, anytime, with
no further payment. (Is there a high demand
somewhere for Laurent LePierre’s
fashion columns? — ed.)
Donald says he sent two more letters to
Dan saying the remaining rebel writers
were willing to bend on the contract —
they’d allow for longer licensing rights for
the paper, just not until the end of time.
24 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
MEDIA
MADNESS
CEO Sarah learns about
innovative leadership
While Editor Supremo Dan Leger was dismissing his long-time columnists’ cry
for contract negotiations as a tad jejune, the fishwrapper’s prez and CEO Sarah
Dennis (daughter of millionaire Graham Dennis) spent the week learning a thing or
two about being a manager at Quantum Shift, “a unique leadership development
program” in beautiful London at the illustrious Richard Ivey School of Business.
(London, Ontario that is. — ed.)
“It’s for entrepreneurs who are past the start-up stage and who are ready to innovate,”
reads the story about her trip that appeared in her paper.
And now that Sarah is back from her week-long leadership-learning tea-party,
maybe she and Dan can really start innovating and whatnot.
mairin@atlanticfrank.ca
According to the writers, Dan didn’t reply
to either email.
Dan’s minion Frank de Palma then sent
a note to each freelancer saying if they
didn’t sign by April 30, they could no longer
expect to toil for the Chronically Horrid.
Management insisted on dealing with the
freelancers one-on-one, “a classic stance
of high-handed employers since the labour
movement began,” writes Donald.
“They have refused to negotiate with the
writers as a group. It’s a divide and conquer
approach,” says Chris Benjamin signatory
and Coast writer who says he won’t
pitch to the Herald until it improves the
contract.
But Herald man Dan says the writers
seeking to reach an agreement collectively
“doesn’t make sense.”
“Each one is an independent business
unto themselves,” he insists.
Silver Donald Cameron
“They’ve evidently aligned themselves to
a putative union and I don’t know any organization
who would negotiate with an
uncertified third party. There is no issue of
collective bargaining, because there is no
collective; it’s just a bunch of individuals.”
Silver Don counters: “Then why is the
Herald trying to impose one contract on
everyone? The Herald created the collective,
not us.”
He says he told editor Dan that he’d
would gladly negotiate one-on-one, “But I
also told him that whatever he told me, I
would communicate to everyone else, and
that whatever one of us got, the others
would expect.”
Funny, that.
There was another odd clause in the
contract forbidding freelancers from discussing
their financial terms.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

COAST KISSES KUTCHER’S ARSE
BY NEAL OZANO
THE COAST WAS QUICK OFF THE MARK TO
OFFER HALIFAX LIBERAL CANDIDATE,
RESEARCHER AND HEADSHRINKER STAN
KUTCHER A RETRACTION AND APOLOGY.
Editor Kyle Shaw told an American
blogger the alternative freebie apologized
because “under our laws there are specific
provisions to protect political candidates
within a few days of an election.
Given the timing of our publishing in this
case, the story clearly ran afoul of the law.”
With just five days left in the campaign,
news editor Tim Bousquet’s story quoted
Allison Bass, who wrote a book in 2008
about the the 2001 study by Kutcher and
other experts about the antideppressant
drug Paxil.
But according to Kutcher’s April 29
threat of legal action, it was an accusation
of lying, not the timing of the Coast story,
that prompted the would-be MP to call for
a retraction.
The Coast almost instantaneously
apologised, saying: “We sincerely regret
having published those statements during
the campaign.”
A local lawyer says Shaw may have been
vaguely and confusedly referring to section
22(1)(e)(i) of the Nova Scotia Defamation
Act, which says, a “full and fair”
retraction and apology to a story “against
any candidate for public office” has to come
five days before an election.
HERALD, FROM PRVIOUS PAGE
“If we’d signed it, we couldn’t even be
talking to one another,” Don says.
According to information gathered directly
from writers by the CFU, the Herald
hasn’t raised its freelance pay rates in 15
years (a few have negotiated small individual
increases, while others have seen
pay cuts).
Big Kahuna Dan refutes that point, adding
that Donald Cameron is likely one of
the top-paid contributors and has no right
to complain.
“The Herald, unlike other organizations
around here, is an ethical newspaper”
says Leger (Who you talking about, Dan?
— ed.), adding a lovely sermon about being
one of the largest markets for freelancers
in the province.
“They should call Transcon, call the
Irvings, see how much they’ll pay for a
piece.”
But SilDon says his rate was cut back by
But Dan Burnett, a news lawyer and University
of British Columbia media law prof,
says: “Be it straight news or editorial,
there’s no restriction on (content),” regardless
of when it is.”
The retraction and apology doesn’t necessarily
mean The Coast is off the hook.
Kutcher didn’t respond to an email asking
if he’d be following through with his legal
threats.
Anonymous calls out Bousquet
BY JACOB BOON
A LEADER IN THE LOCAL CHAPTER OF ANTI-
SCIENTOLOGY GROUP ANONYMOUS CALLS TIM
BOUSQUET’S ACCUSATIONS OF ATTACKS
AGAINST THE COAST’S WEBSITE TO BE UTTER
“BULLSHIT.”
Chris Salsman helps coordinate the Halifax
chapter of the fiercely anti-Scientology
group of internet hack-tivists, who were
more than a little irked at some of The
Coast’s recent election coverage.
The furore erupted over News Editor
Tim’s article on Dr. Stan Kutcher and his
ties to a controversial drug study. After
Kutcher-friendly commenters accused
The Coast of Scientological backing, it
didn’t take long for Anonymous to notice.
In an April 28 posting on the Anonymous
web board Why We Fight, online crusaders
propose a “call to action,” listing The
Coast’s website and server address,
Herald typists not discussing wages
or rights (not exactly as illustrated).
30% a few years ago.
“I’ve asked a couple of times for the original
rate to be reinstated, and the paper
has flatly refused.”
Top-brass Dan is rumoured to earn $400
a pop for his own fascinating columns, on
top of his salary (Frank 581); more than
“Most provinces have a provision in their
defamation (statutes) to publish a full and
fair retraction,” says Danny from his desk
at UBC. But, he added, “It’s overstating to
say it gets them out of trouble. It can reduce
or eliminate damages.”
So if you’re going to accuse someone of
lying, Dan says, “you’d better be able to
prove he’s a liar or you’re going to be in
the glue.”
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
along with contact information for concerned
Anons to comment on the situation.
Which may be what Tim Bousquet was
talking about when on May 1 he took to his
Twitter account to write that, “Apparently,
Anonymous attacked The Coast’s website.
That’s really crazy.”
Chris, who also happens to volunteer as
Social Media Coordinator for Dr. Stan’s
campaign, says Tim’s comments show a
“complete lack of understanding” in how
his compatriots function.
“When they attack, they broadcast it,”
Chris tells me. “There’s no ‘apparently’.”
Chris also took the chance to issue a
challenge to The Coast to release its web
logs and show exactly where and how its
site came under attack.
Calls to Kyle Shaw, editor at The Coast,
weren’t returned by deadline.
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
Don, and more than the typical payment of
$125-$150.
Danster says the old contracts were written
for the dark ages of writing, you know,
on paper, before the new-fangled, ultrahip
digital era.
He asserts the new contract was designed
to match to other news outlets
across the nation and says the Herald
needs to have its writers’ work available
online in order to keep up with the hepcats
at the other gazettes. (Previously, the copyright
on the freelancers’ work would revert
back to them after a week or so, and the
Herald would have to take it down from its
website.)
Dan says they haven’t received much
feedback on the matter of the missing freelancers,
only a trifle handful of notes.
“I got fewer than 10 letters. When a story
about backyard chickens is in the paper,
we receive 300 times the feedback.”
CONTINUED ON PAGE 29
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 25

MUTTERS
FROM
THE
MAINLAND
BY JACOB BOON
THE HOLY SPIRIT WAS ON DISPLAY AT HALI-
FAX’S COMPANY HOUSE LAST EASTER SUNDAY,
WHEN ART CABARET PRESENTED THEIR HOT
JESUS DANCE NIGHT.
As the son of God and saviour to mankind,
it’s long been established that Jesus
Christ is a sexy bucket of chicken. And
Hot Jesus took advantage of this wellknown
fact to offer an evening of funky
dance music from ECMA nominated Aaron
Collier, while also showcasing a live painting
of a shirtless Jesus model by Peter
Farmer.
British-born Pete is one of the creators
of Art Cabaret, which seeks to “push the experience of viewing art
to a new level... Art Cabaret wishes to entertain you with as many
senses as possible.”
As can be seen from the accompanying photos, this recreation
of the Passion had nearly as much bondage and flogging as Mel
Gibson’s version. And I’d say that’s a Jesus we can all get behind
(or in front of! — ed.).
Speaking of impure acts, sexy Jesus wasn’t the only taboo happening
to occur over the Easter Weekend. It seems some nefarious
rogues took it upon themselves to schism the Papal Plaque
from the stone it was affixed to on the Halifax Commons.
The Papal prize was originally set to commemorate the 1984
visit by Pope John Paul II, which drew a crowd of some 80,000
Have you seen this Papal plaque?
26 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Artist Peter Farmer
paints Hot Jesus.
devout fans to the Commons and had nothing at all to do with
Harold McKay.
Police have released photos of the copper-alloy plaque in hopes
some good Samaritan will come forward with information. But
those fearing the divine decoration may be melted down for scrap
money have little cause for worry, since the 24- by 16-inch plaque
would be worth a maximum of $400 at current market prices.
Most likely, it’s hanging right now in some Catholic bar, or devout
dorm room.
Looks like things remain shaken and stirred in the life of young
Ian Flemming.
The 24-year-old son of Truro deputy police chief Jim Flemming
has been having a Thunderball of a year after being charged
back in January for tree-related mischief and drug possession
(Frank 608).
Luckily, Ian has been able to take a small quantum of solace
since his March 30 court date let him be referred to Adult Diversion
for those bothersome mischief charges.
The federal drug charges were ineligible, sadly, and Ian was
found guilty and slapped with a $500 fine.
Ian will be back in court for a checkup on May 4.
Only a few weeks after his death, the estate of the esteemed
Arnie Patterson seems to have settled.
According to Arnie’s will, the veteran newsman has left everything
in his $148,000 estate to his well-loved widow.
Glorena Patterson will also take ownership of Arnie’s property
and investments, including the couple’s $397,000 Golf Links
Road home, and Floridian condo.
Mr. Dartmouth, and longtime Liberal champion, Arnie was laid
to rest in a service at St. Peter’s Catholic Church back in March,
which readers of Frank 607 will remember brought out some of
the province’s top names.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

By now I hope you’ve had the pleasure
of watching South Shore-St. Margaret’s
Bay Liberal-loser Derek Wells’s batshitcrazy
campaign ad featuring his left-learning
horse, Kirby.
If not, take a moment to bask in the weirdness
on YouTube where you’ll find it under
the punny title of Stable Government. I’ll
wait.
Back? Good.
Now I can share that prominent Liberal
sources have let me know the ass behind
the horse is Dr. Bill Smith.
The Bridgewater chiropractor, and likewise
loser to Gerald Keddy in the 2008
election, apparently thought the absurd advertisement,
with its strange editing, bad
jokes, and uncomfortably friendly horse,
would play over great. And it did, as the clip
went viral and internet users across the
world laughed at Derek’s cinematic masterpiece.
Apparently the commercial didn’t sit well
with the party, though. I’m told Derek’s staffers
awoke to dozens of angry emails from
prominent Liberals across the country, all
of them left wondering, WTF?
C’mon guys, it’s not like the Liberals
weren’t already a joke.
Backbreaker Bill, as you’ll recall, backed
Derek’s campaign for the Liberal candidacy
over Rick Welsford, the father of Bill’s
much younger baby-mama, Lindsay
Welsford.
Speaking of horses, aside from owning
champion race horse
Somebeachsomewhere, Garry Pye is the
new owner of Andy’s Tire Shop.
The Truro-based car dealer and real
estate magnate purchased the chain of
auto shop stores from former owner Mike
Langille last month. No sale price has
been released, but Andy’s is listed at between
$1 and $1.5 million in annual sales.
Now with six locations throughout the
province, Andy’s Tire Shop was started by
Mike’s father Andrew nearly 60 years ago.
Mother Myrna took over after Andy’s death
in 1967, until Mike was ready to run the
business at the tender age of 19.
Garry seems to want to keep the family
tradition alive, as he’s installed son
Andrew Pye as the new president, while
Mike’s stepson, Craig McKenzie, will remain
as the company’s GM.
Speaking of family relations, the Truroville
slugger who is accused of viciously
beating police officers with a baseball bat
has some longstanding family ties to the
community.
Paul Mitchell, 48, is the son of now de-
ceased Truro optometrist Calvin Ross
Mitchell. Dr. Ross passed away in 2009,
after running his own father’s ocular practice
for nearly 60 years. Aside from Paul,
his children include son David, and daughters
Margaret and Rebecca.
Becky, also an optometrist, is married to
Darren Blumenthal, used car salesman
extraodinaire and son of Halifax Councillor
Jerry Blumenthal.
Paul apparently resides with his mother,
and Ross’s wife, Faye, at her Patillo Avenue
residence, which is where several
officers went looking for him last month.
Paul was wanted for missing a February
court date to do with December 26 and
January 15 charges of assaulting two
women.
The cops, who presumably were let into
the home by mama Faye, found Paul and
his bat downstairs. The resulting scuffle
led to gunshots being fired, and one officer
needing nine staples to the head.
Currently, Paul is undergoing a 30-day
mental health assessment to determine
his ability to stand trial.
A snip from Derek
Wells’s equine
campaign.
The forgetful Mountie who left his gun
behind during a bathroom emergency appears
to be Amherst’s Const. David
Baldwin
Last month, local media reported an
RCMP officer had mistakenly left their firearm
behind in a McDonald’s bathroom.
Official sources still remain tight-lipped
about the incident, but I’ve been told it was
Dave who forgot his piece at the South
Albion Street burger shack.
I’ve also been told the fully loaded
weapon was found by two young boys,
who miraculously avoided injury while playing
with it until one child’s father saw the
sidearm and returned it to the RCMP.
Dave himself wasn’t available to comment,
as I hear he’s on vacation.
An internal investigation has been looking
into the matter, but I’ve been reassured
by RCMP spokesthingy Bridgit Leger that
the officially unidentified officer involved
has had no previous incidents or disciplinary
acts against them.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 27

MUTTERS, FROM PREVIOUS PAGE
Say, what’s Percy Paris up to these days?
“He hasn’t done anything,” says West Hants Councillor Randy
Matheson on the correspondence skills of MLA Percy.
W.H. Council recently penned five letters to Economic and Rural
Development Minnie Perce with concerns about the peculiar
dismissal of their development agency’s CEO, Paul McGinn, last
December, which the Enfield Weekly Press described as “steeped
in mystery.”
With the unanswered letters about the competency of the Hants
Regional Development Authority, the council decided to pull its
$63,000 portion of funding to the agency.
“We want to know why they don’t have any protocols and why
policy and due process wasn’t followed,” says a rather resolved
Randy.
Perce attests his response is on its way. But if it doesn’t arrive
soon, perhaps the West Hants Council will erupt in an anarchist
revolt. (Wait, do anarchists even believe in the postal system? —
ed.)
Cable corgies Eastlink have reached Down Under and plucked
out one of Australia’s low-budgetiest nuggets of childhood entertainment
to fill our Atlantic airwaves.
Story Time with Tall Ted, originally created in that forsaken deathtrap
of a country by Bret Dalgleish for Australia’s Channel 31, is
now clogging up our Maritime televisions with its creepy giant
bear suit.
Call me xenophobic if you must, but I’d have thought that scheduled
time should be reserved for local talent, like Community
Access Bulletins.
Anyhow, if you’d like to traumatize your children, Tall Ted can be
tuned into weekday mornings at 7:30.
Speaking of tuning in and turning on, several dopeheads popping
Ecstasy lately have dropped right into the hospital for an
extended stay.
The RCMP have stated they believe there was a bad batch of
28 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
MDMA floating around and warn love druggers to be wary of
taking E that might be mixed with dangerous substances, or
could even be something else all together.
Quite the contrary, say some local burnouts. Reports from the
underground suggest the lot of E wasn’t tainted, but simply “too
pure” and the Halifax young’uns couldn’t handle the very refined
high.
RCMP spokescop Scott MacRae says Health Canada analyzed
some pills they seized and found they were, rather, a psychedelic
known as Foxy that has been linked to deaths in the U.S.
due to kidney failure.
jacob@atlanticfrank.ca
Car 54, 55, 56, 57 & 58...
where Are you?
A Donut Emergency moment at the Windmill Road Timmies.

RALSTON, FROM PAGE 18 courses. Richard’s assistant Janet
A mover helping Ralston “downsize” his
operation in the Maritime Centre, who
didn’t want to be named, says getting
money from Ralston was like pulling teeth.
Ralston called him to move half a century
of files to the Shelburne Boy’s School, but
says staff in both locations were warning
him he might be stiffed. He says staff at
MacDonnell Consulting were whispering,
“Make sure you get paid, this guy isn’t going
to pay you.”
The mover finally got paid after threatening
to visit Ralson’s Halifax offices, and
then Ralston’s South Street residence.
In Halifax, things are equally dire.
There’s word that as of January,
MacDonnell Group of Canada, Ltd. — the
engineering branch of Ralston’s empire
— had some issues with its insurance.
Dermot Mulroney at Engineers Nova
Scotia Association tells me that, “for
things like environmental and for structural
(engineering), usually, we’re looking for
some kind of insurance there.”
He says, however, MacDonnell Group of
Canada, Ltd. has paid its ENSA dues this
year, and lists former vp engineering Dr.
Vidya Limaye and MacDonnell on that
membership.
A big portion of MacDonnell Consulting’s
cash flow left during what Ralston called
“downsizing” around Christmas: Damian
Stoilov, who sources told Frank was on
two weeks’ stress leave in December
(Frank 604), never came back. And Richard
Morash, the manager of MacDonnell
Security Risk Management — the branch
that taught port security to security people
at ports (makes sense — ed.) — left in early
March.
Damian curried clients, Rich taught the
HERALD, FROM PAGE 25
Darling Dan must have not been counting
the many of Facebook posts as feedback
(my abacus counted over 30 outraged
and outspoken voices), which is odd
for a man who is seeking to usher in the
Internet Age at his Paper of Record.
“They’ve worked, via media appearances,
to make their most loyal writers look
like a bunch of whiners,” says occasional
Chronicle contributor and rabble-rouser
Sandra Phinney.
“They’ve shown their writers no faith, respect
or loyalty. It’s very disappointing,”
says Chris. Sandra adds, “It’s a sad day
when adults can’t get together and consult
on an issue to find solutions. Again,
we would love to do that. Ralph and I would
drive from Yarmouth and meet up with (fellow
writers) and any of the upper echelon
Campbell bailed as well.
Former CFO Paula Walker, who
sources say is owed up to $20,000 in back
pay and expenses, quit in January.
Also gone are vp engineering Dr. Vidya
Limaye; Ming Zhang-He, who did the computer
drafting work; Dr. Amjad Memon, the
staff engineer; Brenda King, executive vp;
and Sarah Vanderhooven, who was part
of MacDonnell Cultural Productions, the
branch of the company that produces exciting
events like BRIDGELIFE Bridge Safety
and Longevity Conference and Expo,
which might have happened this past April.
Ralston is getting money where he can,
it seems. His home on South Park in Halifax
(2011 assessment $789,500) has
been mortgaged three times: once in 2004
for $425,000, once in 2008 for $500,000
(later increased to $775,999.40), and just
recently for $150,000. Likewise, his “cabin”
in Chester (2011 assessment $558,600)
has been tapped for a half-mill in 2008,
$550,495 with one lender and $616,000
with another in 2007, the last one being
increased to $876,000 in 2008. Last year
that property was slapped with an $8,500
lien claim by Karo Horticulture Ltd. All the
properties are in his wife Charlene Latimer
MacDonnell’s name. They’ve also got a
condo in Florida at 775 Longboat Club
Road worth a cool $632,800 that isn’t mortgaged
at all, and whose property taxes are
fully paid. Sources say the condo was a
bone of contention with what are now
former staff members.
“That’s where he was at over the Christmas
holidays when nobody was paid,” the
source says, “and where his wife is now,
so obviously, there’s money to be had.”
neal@atlanticfrank.ca
at the Herald. We are on stand-by to do
this.”
Silverfox Don says, “If Dan would like to
negotiate with writers one by one, which
one has he started with? Clearly not me;
he doesn’t even answer my letters.”
As the writers’ wait for bigwig Dan to pick
up the phone, it seems he’s already
moved on.
“Over time we will welcome new voices
at the paper,” says the editor who inked an
ad in his pages looking for new freelance
writers around the time the contract starting
ruffling feathers.
Chief Dan repeated the refrain about being
a business with the consistency of a
cuckoo clock.
“We’re a business, we don’t get any federal
funding or backing from nameless
millionaires.” (Ah! Touche. — ed)
mairin@atlanticfrank.ca
Frank Facts
Number of times the Globe and Mail
endorsed a Tory candidate since 1953:
14
No. of times the Globe has endorsed
a Liberal candidate: 6
Instances where they endorsed a
John Diefenbaker: 4
Instances where the Globe endorsed
the losing candidate: 5
Number of votes that went to Western
Block Party, who seek independence
from their “Eastern Masters”: 748
No. of votes that went to the Rhinoceros
party who have promised to repeal
the law of gravity and move Toronto
closer to Montreal: 3,819
Approval rating of Osama bin Laden
in Pakistan before his death: 3%
Number of points U.S. President
Obama’s approval rating rose following
the announcement they had killed
bin Laden: 11
Number of approval points former
U.S. Prez Bush achieved after they captured
Saddam Hussein: 8
Number of men who are sworn police
officers in Halifax: 431
Number of women who are police
officers: 93
Number of women elected to the
41st Parliament: 76
Canada’s rank in the world of women
represented in parliaments: 40
No. of people who attended Growing
Local, a conference focusing on finding
African Nova Scotians to farm: 21
Cost of an “I’m a Mrs.” wedding gift,
a Canadian product that sends government
and bank forms allowing people
to change their name after marrying:
$30
Cost of government and bank forms:
0
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 29

PHONE ANYTIME : (902) 420-1668
LETTERS E-MAIL: tips@atlanticfrank.ca
PO BOX 295, HALIFAX, N.S. B3J 2N7
Election Night
Blues
Dear Frank:
Profuse apologies to Leonard Cohen, but
I can’t think of anyone better to call forth
than the grocer of despair on this election
night of doom:
It’s coming through a hole in the air,
From those nights in Nathan Phillips
Square.
It’s coming from the feel
That this ain’t exactly real
Or it’s real, but it ain’t exactly there.
From the contempt vote in the House
From the budget going forth
From the boards of corporations
39.7, henceforth
Democracy is coming to the Great White
North.
O. Woe,
via email
Deputy Dawg fan club
Dear Frank:
I don’t know Deputy Police Chief Chris
McNeil, but I had an ongoing problem for
a long time — 15 years. I called his office
after talking to superintendents and supervisors,
and one call to his office and
Chris made it right. The officer who called
to tell me to pound sand called me back
and said, “What can I do for you?”
I don’t care what’s written about him. He
took care of the problem.
This police department is a joke. They
couldn’t follow tracks out of a mud puddle
onto dry pavement.
But I don’t think McNeil is as dirty as you
think. My money’s on the fact that he
30 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
Kyber shame!
Dear Frank:
I recently dropped into the historic
Khyber Building on the barely beating
heart of downtown’s main drag, Barrington
Street.
Sadly, the landmark Khyber has a very
neglectful owner, the Halifax Regional Municipality.
To its everlasting shame, HRM
is letting this majestic property fade into
ruin.
For the first time that I can recall, in over
15 years of visits, I caught whiff of the noticeable
smell of mould on the main staircase.
The 1888 treasure was designed by
Henry Busch, the Hamburg-born architect
who was also behind the newly restored
and glorious Public Gardens bandstand.
AF-COOP: take two!
Dear Frank:
Halifax Port Authority czarina Karen
Oldfield will not be hosting the Atlantic Film
Makers Co-operative bohemians for tea
and crumpets anytime soon.
Contrary to your report (Frank 610), AF-
COOP’s Cecil B. DeMented wannabes are
moving from the CBC Radio pile to that redbrick
property on Cornwallis owned by
Kassner Goodman Architects principals
Richard Kassner and Daniel Goodspeed.
I remember nearly 15 years ago, the building
housed the Centre For Art Tapes, an-
wouldn’t let *them* be dirty. He probably
didn’t play into the old boy’s club.
But McNeil could be Jack the Ripper,
he could be the Pope, for all I care. He
helped me, and that’s all I care about.
Meg Amind,
Halifax
Hey Frank:
What’s your major malfunction?
Police Chief Chris McNeil was an extraordinary
leader. He’s the kind of skipper
we need running this two-bit town.
Chief Chris tried to whip those
sassofrassin’ upstart boys into police officers,
that’s why they didn’t like him!
Jillian Jigs
Lake Echo
The Khyber
Building.
Why doesn’t the city allocate some funds
from the sale of its vacant lots off Spring
Garden Road, into saving its irreplaceable
heritage, like the Khyber building?
Harry Tage,
South End
other artist-run centre forced to move because
our national broadcaster is hellbent
on razing its historic Sackville Street gem,
which is one of the finest examples of Art
Deco architecture left in Halifax.
Ironically, CFAT is temporarily relocating
to the historic Roy Building on Barrington
Street, which is potentially facing a wrecking
ball so owner Louie Reznick can erect
a mammoth empty skyscraper.
I hope AF-COOP and CFAT members are
busy recording images of these architectural
wonders before they are lost.
Bill Ding,
Halifax
McNeil roll call
Dear Frank:
You missed one McNeil in your endless
tome on the crime-fighting family
I know she’s not a crime fighter, but
Danielle McNeil Hessian, the former principal,
is now the director of school administration
for the Halifax Regional
School Board.
I think you reported before that her salary
was a little over $115k in one of your
long lists of admin salaries. I’m sure
more will pop out of the woodwork soon
enough.
Ed Gucate,
Bedford

Tweets of the Week
Follow Frank on Twitter at www.twitter.com/Atlantic_Frank. Because you never know when
Frank may be watching.
APRIL 22
A group of anti-frackers was outside
Province House today singing We Shall
Overcome. A trio of cops was assigned to
them for some reason.
A bunch of construction workers celebrated
Good Friday by nailing and hammering
on the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia.
APRIL 23
Look, there’s disastrously failed provincial
Liberal leader Francis MacKenzie
talking on his cellphone at Dr. Sharp’s in
Bedford.
APRIL 25
I count 9 voters and 13 Elections
Canada workers at the Forum for advanced
polls. But one EC staffer said they’ve been
steady all day.
APRIL 26
Advance polls 34% busier than last
year... that’s good news for one guy. The
man with the moustache.
Great Brian Flinn piece in tomorrow
morning’s allnovascotia... so, er, those
LED Roadway lights may not last forever
after all?
APRIL 28
At Supreme Court Family Division,
Round 1 of Hector Jacques affair. Let the
games begin!
Alan Parish to Gordon Kelly: This is the
first time I’ve ever been in this courtroom.
GK: Don’t make a habit of it.
Threehundredeight.com is projecting
that Peter MacKay will lose his Central Nova
seat to the NDP candidate. That would be
something.
Juice Eh in Scotia Square is done. A
victim of Booster Juice, which is setting up
in the former fountain spot.
Hey, early morning drunks! The St.
George Society of Halifax is holding a
champagne toast and buffet to honour Will
& Kate; 6 a.m. tomorrow @ SMU.
On CTV Newsnet,
Marcia Mac-
Millan is dressed
like a dominatrix.
Publicity hungry
Fred Connors gets
more mileage out
of his urban chickens
in today’s
Coast.
APRIL 29
So Manhattan
Pizza on the Bedford
Highway, next
One of Fabulous
Fred’s fabulous
chickens.
to the Bedford Place Mall, is open at 8:30
a.m. Don’t ask me why.
Wills gives Kate’s left tit a squeeze on
the Buckingham Palace balcony. Destined
to go down as the most-watched left-tit
squeeze in history.
Just spotted Stan Kutcher heading into
the Carlton. To celebrate his apology, I
suppose.
APRIL 30
The biggest Megan Leslie sign on
Young Avenue belongs to Queasy, Too doc
Steve Couban.
Naturally, insurance man Keith Coles
has a huge Tory sign in his Young Ave.
front yard, as does booze baron and ex-
PC candidate Kevin Keefe.
Surprised to see no George Nikolaou
lawn sign from Tory and Young Ave. rezzie
Colin Dodds, SMU prez. A lefty student likely
made off with it.
I spied Herald editor Dan Leger out for
a walk earlier on Granville, deep in thought.
Was he pondering how thin his Sunday
paper will be without freelancers?
MAY 1
I can’t wait until May 3. I’m so tired of
partisan automatons clogging up my Twitter
feed.
MAY 2
I predict that bin Laden’s first posthumous
release is going straight to number
one.
Departed Wolfville cao and Florida
Skype king Roy Brideau has begun his
new gig as MacKenzie County cao in Wild
Rose country.
Hearing talk
Acadia is set to
name its new Chancellor.
One possibility
is Les Oliver,
Senator Donnie’s
brother.
The film Halifax
native Helen Hill
was working on
when she was murdered
in New Orleans
on Jan. 4, 2007
has its Cdn. premiere
at Vancouver’s
DOXA Documentary
Film Fest
on May 7. Helen’s
husband, Paul
Gailiunas, completed
her film, The
Paul Gailiunas
and Helen Hill.
Florestine Collection, which debuted at the
prestigious Ann Arbour Film Fest a few
weeks ago.
Former HRM councillor and North End
Dartmouth stalwart Clint Schofield dies at
73. I still remember Clint telling council
how he saw a HRM vehicle outside town
limits and tried to chase it down.
Apparently the Cecil Clarke campaign
didn’t threaten CTV’s Randy MacDonald
like they threatened our Frank reporter.
Peter MacKay thanks galpal, international
beauty queen Nazanin, in his speech
I, for one, welcome our new Conservative
overlords.
MAY 3
Nice piece in today’s Globe on Halifax
hairplug king Joe Graves, written by his
pal Blain Henshaw.
MAY 4
Bishop Lahey: Forgive me fadder, for I
have sinned.
Royal pain in the arse: Mayann Francis
races down Barrington Street in her gasguzzling,
chauffeur-driven L.G. Mobile.
Kyle “Son Of Tando” MacIsaac strides
confidently to work down Cornwallis towards
Purdy Wharf, clutching a giant folded
black umbrella.
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 31

Conrad’s ready
for his close-up
32 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
JUST NOT SO STORIES
(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP)
FRANKLAND WORLD NEWS
By Cecil B. DeMillion
Former newspaper baron Conrad Black announced he is investing
the proceeds from the $23.1 million sale of his Palm
Beach mansion into filming a re-enactment of William and Kate’s
Royal Wedding.
This will be the first movie for Black, a literary man of letters
who is hoping to put his 2007 U.S. fraud conviction behind him.
“Though my body was incarcerated, my hubris dallied unfettered
among the Gods. After a profound meeting of mind and Muse, I
concluded that the age of the 900-page tomes of pernicious idealism
and rigorous scholarship is over. Image has triumphed
over word, ergo, from henceforth, my sizable intellect is focused
on making films, rather than writing books.”
Black says his lavish movie production will star his wife Barbara
Amiel as Kate Middleton. “Like Kate, Barbara is the perfect
woman,” Black declared. “Like Kate, the world will watch Barbara
and will have only one verdict: A Star Is Born!”
Black admits he has taken liberties with the script. In his fictional
re-dramatization, Kate (Amiel) will leave Prince William at
the altar, and run off to elope with Lord Black of Crossharbour.
Black plans on playing himself in the movie.
“No one can do a sex scene with Barbara like I can,” he enthused.
“But we have to keep the lights on low; she has a very
sensitive skin condition.”
Industry insiders say Helen Mirren may reprise her role as Queen
Elizabeth, and Buckingham Palace is refusing to acknowledge
rumours that Prince Philip has volunteered for a cameo in Black’s
movie.
Privately the Duke of Edinburgh has
complained, “I don’t want some bloody
native to muck it up. They might as well
toss me in a cauldron of boiling water,
the next time I’m visiting one of our African
colonies.”
According to a court confidante, relations
between Prince Philip and the
Queen are said to be strained by Philip’s
silver screen ambitions. “Elizabeth
thinks Philip wants to make out with
Helen Mirren. Apparently, he fancies
himself a character out of an Errol Flynn
movie.”
Black’s feature film will be produced
by Livent founder and 19-time Tony
award winner Garth Drabinsky, who is
appealing his 2009 conviction on forgery
and fraud.
Lord Black of
Cossharbour &
his goodlady
wife Babs.
Jack Layton: ‘I’m touched’
By Will U. Feelmeup
Before he and wife Olivia Chow move into
Stornoway, the home of Canada’s Official
Opposition leader, New Democratic Party
Leader Jack Layton will celebrate his electoral
success with a full-body massage.
“After six weeks of criss-crossing this great
nation of ours campaigning, I don’t mind
admitting I’m a bit tense,” an elated Layton
told reporters. “I really need to lay down and
relax.”
Stressing that his appointment will be at a
licensed massage parlour, Layton said,
“There’s no law against walking into a room
and taking off your clothes. Obviously, that
would be inappropriate at a movie theatre, a
church hall, a shopping mall or the House
of Commons foyer. But for a massage, it’s
perfectly acceptable to strip down to your
birthday suit.”
Questions on his upcoming massage appointment
dominated the media scrum after
Layton insisted, “Look, I have nothing to
be ashamed of. Reporters are blowing this
out of proportion. The public doesn’t care
about my hairy back or whether I have a secret
tattoo of Tommy Douglas on my inner
left thigh. Who here hasn’t been serviced by
a true professional? Folks, you don’t know
what you’re missing.”

Charles: The
forgotten man
By Roy Alpain
In an attempt to resurrect his flagging
image and curry favour with a Kate and
William-obsessed public, Prince Charles
has announced he plans to live as a homeless
man in London for 48 hours.
An itinerary released by the Prince of
Wales private secretary reveals that Prince
Charles wants to pass two consecutive
afternoons eating Duchy Originals lemon
curd and bickies outside the Waitrose outlet
at Walton-on-Thames between 2-3:15.
“Perhaps the Prince of Wales may prefer
high tea instead. The formal arrangements
are subject to his mother’s approval,
of course,” the private secretary
acknowledged.
Prince Charles’s wife Camilla, the Duchess
of Cornwall, will be making regular
visits in an armoured Rolls Royce to protect
her from angry students and other
impetuous commoners.
Camilla is expected to deliver Charles
regular glasses of Duchy Original Organic
Select Ale, so as to prevent the parching of
his royal throat. “We’ve added organic oats
and barley,” Camilla observed, “to create
a pleasing, dark ruby brew.”
Every 90 minutes Charles will be airlifted
to a remote military base in North England
to undergo a barrage of tests to ensure
that England’s heir to the throne is still very
much alive.
“Charles enjoys perfect health, thanks
to daily breakfasts of Duchy Original organic
and free-range British bacon, which
doesn’t leave a white scummy residue on
your frying pan,” Camilla explained.
If his homeless experiment proves to be
a success, Prince Charles may consider
expanding his Duchy Originals business
empire, which he established in 1990, to
include rags for street people, Camilla revealed.
“The rags would be purely organic
cotton, of course.”
The Prince’s plan met with mixed reaction
on the street. “Who cares about
Charles? He should sod off, the bugger,”
Oswald Perriwinkle, a City banker,
weighed in.
“Can’t be disappear for longer than 48
hours?” asked one girl who identified herself
as Brittney Fairweather-Follows, an
American. “I only care about Will and Kate.”
JUST NOT SO STORIES
(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP)
Planet Trump
By I.M. Birther
“The world is now a safer
place,” U.S. President Barack
Obama declared, moments after
he received official verification
that Shuttle Endeavour took
off with Donald Trump aboard.
Shortly after the President announced,
“Donald Trump has
left the planet,” jubilant crowds
began to form outside the White
House in celebration. Authorities
closed Times Square to allow
for a spontaneous street
party led by comedian Chris
Rock.
“Can you imagine what that
hair must look like in zero gravity?”
Rock quipped. “Probably
the same as it looks down here.
Awful!”
To appease skeptics who believe
it all a well-orchestrated
publicity stunt, NASA has released
photos of a smiling
Trump floating in a space suit
with the moon visible in a porthole
behind his shoulder.
Via an audio interview with Fox
News, Trump confessed, “I’ve
had some far-out ideas before,
but this new space kick is really out of this
world!”
Trump laughed off suggestions from the
Fox interviewer that he was going to build
an intergalaxatic casino beside the International
Space Station.
“You can bet I’m thinking big,” Trump replied.
“The world look so small from out
Bum in seat
By Moore Blackouts
Days after being named chair of Nova
Scotia Power, ABCO president and Nova
Scotia Business Inc. chair Jim Eisenhauer
revealed his innovative new surgery to the
press.
According to doctors at Lunenburg’s
Fishermen’s Memorial Hospital,
Eisenhauer has become the world’s first
successful chair transplant patient.
here, I’m definitely buying the Great Wall
of China after I return to Earth.”
Last minute negotiations by the American
tycoon and presidential-hopeful to
board the shuttle’s final launch nearly collapsed
after Trump demanded to see the
birth certificate of each member of NASA’s
ground crew.
“The chair is surgically attached to my
buttocks,” a beaming Eisenhauer explained.
“That way I can go from meeting
to meeting and not waste precious moments
sitting down. I can get down to business
at the drop of my hat, I guess I mean,
at the drop of my arse.”
As news of Eisenhauer’s efficiency-enhancing
anatomy spread, share prices for
NSP’s parent company Emera rose $0.27
on the TSX.
“It’s as plain as the chair beneath my
legs,” Eisenhauer quipped. “Investors want
to give me a standing ovation.”
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 33

HEY Y’ALL! HOT DIGGETY!
IT’S ME, BILL CLINTON -
AND I’M HERE AT ST FX
UNIVERSITY!
HEY BILL! HERE IT IS! HERE’S MY NEW CENTRE
FOR GREAT LEADERS LIKE YOU AN’ ME! LOOKIT!
HEY BILL! C’MON AND OPEN IT! IT’S GOT SNACKS
AN’ KOOL-ADE INSIDE AN’ IT’S AWESOME! WANNA
COME OPEN IT? HUH? BILL! HUH? C’MON!
MMMBOY HOWDY!
WOULDN’T MIND
PLAYING A FEW
GAMES IN THAT
HIGHLAND...AND I
SURE AIN’T ANTI
YOUR GONISH!
OOOOH! GIGGLE!
UM... I GUESS
HE’S JUST BUSY
FOR A SECOND...
WOW! WHAT
A MASTER
STATESMAN!
34 MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE
YEAH BILL! YOU CAME ALL
THIS WAY TO OPEN MY NEW
FRANK MCKENNA LEADER-
SHIP CENTRE BECAUSE
YOU’RE MY BESTEST BUD
AN’ YOU’D DO ANYTHING
FOR ME! RIGHT BILL? WE’RE
AMIGOS, AREN’T WE! YEAH!
MISTER
PRESIDENT!
MISTER
PRESIDENT!
HI! NICE TO
MEET YA!
SO WHERE Y’ALL
KEEPIN’ THEM LADIES?
OH MY
GOD -
LOOK!!!
‘CAUSE WE’RE PRACTICALLY
BROTHERS YOU AN’ ME! WE’RE BOTH
CHARISMATIC LEADERS WITH A GIFT
FOR CONNECTING EMOTIONALLY
WITH ORDINARY PEOPLE AN’ THAT’S
WHY YOU CAME! HUH BILL? RIGHT?
UH-HUH THAT’S GREAT FRED.
NOW WHERE’S ALL THEM HOT
ST FX BIKINI BABES LIKE ON THE
FRONT OF FRANK MAGAZINE 518?
(OCTOBER
30, 2007)
LOOK! IT’S
PRESIDENT
CLINTON!
OH OKAY BILL, YOU WANNA DO A PRESS Q & A SESSION FIRST? SURE!
FIRST QUESTION! HOW COME YOU AN’ ME ARE SUCH AWESOME PALS-
WELL HEY THERE SWEET THING... Y’ALL WANNA
GET A LI’L COFFEE?
IT’S HILLARY CLINTON! SHE’S
STOMPING SO HARD IN RAGE
AT HER HUSBAND’S CLICHED
DEPICTION AS A PHILANDER-
ING HORNDOG THAT OUR
SCHOOL’S FAMOUS GIANT “X”
IS GOING TO FALL AND CRUSH
THE ENTIRE 2011 ST FX
WOMEN’S HOCKEY TEAM!
RAAAAH!
COFFEE MR
PRESIDENT!
OOOOFFF!!!

OH NO! WITHOUT OUR PRECIOUS X-WOMEN
HOCKEY LINEUP WE’LL NEVER WIN ANOTHER CIS
CHAMPIONSHIP SILVER MEDAL AGAIN! EVEN BILL
CLINTON CAN’T SAVE US FROM THIS DISASTER!
THERE! NOW THAT THE X
HAS LANDED HARM-
LESSLY ON SOME KIDDIE-
PORN BISHOP THAT NO-
BODY’S EVER HEARD OF,
EVERYONE’S SAFE ONCE
AGAIN - THANKS TO THE
LIMITLESS LEADERSHIP
ABILITIES CONFERRED
BY A ST FX EDUCATION!
QUAECUMQUE... SUNT... VERA!
SLIPPING THE LEGENDARY RING
ONTO HIS FINGER AND UTTERING
THE MAGICAL PHRASE,
ORDINARY FRANK IS INSTANTLY
TRANSFORMED INTO...
AND NOW I THINK IT’S
TIME I GO TAKE MY
PROPER SPOT IN FRONT
OF THE CAMERAS!
DON’T WORRY DR
RILEY! I HAVE
SOMETHING EVEN
BILL DOESN’T
POSSESS...
HOORAY!!!
...MY ST FRANCIS XAVIER X-RING!!!
THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF MY ST FX DEGREE WILL ENABLE ME
TO CREATE A STABLE ECONOMIC INFRASTRUCTURE CAPABLE OF
WITHSTANDING ANY
PLUNGING INDICATORS...
WHILE CALMING HILLARY BY TURNING THAT FEMALE
STUDENT INTO NOTED ST FX ALUMNA AND FORMER
HOME DEPOT PRESIDENT ANNETTE VERSCHUREN!
YES! HOORAY FOR BILL CLINTON! DID YOU SEE THE COOL WAY HE BIT
HIS LIP DURING THAT CRISIS TO SHOW HOW WORRIED HE WAS FOR US?
OMIGOD
I LOVE
HIM!
WELL NOW KAYLA HOUNSELL, OL’ BILLY’S GOTTA GO DO
HISSELF A LI’L HIGH-STICKING IN THE CREASE - BUT AFTER
THAT MAYBE I CAN GIVE Y’ALL A ONE-ON-ONE EXCLUSIVE!
HEY BILL! HEY
BILL! IF YOU NEED
A PLACE TO TAKE
‘EM YOU CAN USE
MY CENTRE! IT’S
OKAY! I DON’T
MIND! HUH BILL?
HUH? HUH? BILL?
FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011 35

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