Shake hands with Slick Willy - Besthostingplanever.com

Conrad’s ready
for his close-up
32 FRANK MAGAZINE MAY 24, 2011
JUST NOT SO STORIES
(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP)
FRANKLAND WORLD NEWS
By Cecil B. DeMillion
Former newspaper baron Conrad Black announced he is investing
the proceeds from the $23.1 million sale of his Palm
Beach mansion into filming a re-enactment of William and Kate’s
Royal Wedding.
This will be the first movie for Black, a literary man of letters
who is hoping to put his 2007 U.S. fraud conviction behind him.
“Though my body was incarcerated, my hubris dallied unfettered
among the Gods. After a profound meeting of mind and Muse, I
concluded that the age of the 900-page tomes of pernicious idealism
and rigorous scholarship is over. Image has triumphed
over word, ergo, from henceforth, my sizable intellect is focused
on making films, rather than writing books.”
Black says his lavish movie production will star his wife Barbara
Amiel as Kate Middleton. “Like Kate, Barbara is the perfect
woman,” Black declared. “Like Kate, the world will watch Barbara
and will have only one verdict: A Star Is Born!”
Black admits he has taken liberties with the script. In his fictional
re-dramatization, Kate (Amiel) will leave Prince William at
the altar, and run off to elope with Lord Black of Crossharbour.
Black plans on playing himself in the movie.
“No one can do a sex scene with Barbara like I can,” he enthused.
“But we have to keep the lights on low; she has a very
sensitive skin condition.”
Industry insiders say Helen Mirren may reprise her role as Queen
Elizabeth, and Buckingham Palace is refusing to acknowledge
rumours that Prince Philip has volunteered for a cameo in Black’s
movie.
Privately the Duke of Edinburgh has
complained, “I don’t want some bloody
native to muck it up. They might as well
toss me in a cauldron of boiling water,
the next time I’m visiting one of our African
colonies.”
According to a court confidante, relations
between Prince Philip and the
Queen are said to be strained by Philip’s
silver screen ambitions. “Elizabeth
thinks Philip wants to make out with
Helen Mirren. Apparently, he fancies
himself a character out of an Errol Flynn
movie.”
Black’s feature film will be produced
by Livent founder and 19-time Tony
award winner Garth Drabinsky, who is
appealing his 2009 conviction on forgery
and fraud.
Lord Black of
Cossharbour &
his goodlady
wife Babs.
Jack Layton: ‘I’m touched’
By Will U. Feelmeup
Before he and wife Olivia Chow move into
Stornoway, the home of Canada’s Official
Opposition leader, New Democratic Party
Leader Jack Layton will celebrate his electoral
success with a full-body massage.
“After six weeks of criss-crossing this great
nation of ours campaigning, I don’t mind
admitting I’m a bit tense,” an elated Layton
told reporters. “I really need to lay down and
relax.”
Stressing that his appointment will be at a
licensed massage parlour, Layton said,
“There’s no law against walking into a room
and taking off your clothes. Obviously, that
would be inappropriate at a movie theatre, a
church hall, a shopping mall or the House
of Commons foyer. But for a massage, it’s
perfectly acceptable to strip down to your
birthday suit.”
Questions on his upcoming massage appointment
dominated the media scrum after
Layton insisted, “Look, I have nothing to
be ashamed of. Reporters are blowing this
out of proportion. The public doesn’t care
about my hairy back or whether I have a secret
tattoo of Tommy Douglas on my inner
left thigh. Who here hasn’t been serviced by
a true professional? Folks, you don’t know
what you’re missing.”