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Charles: The
forgotten man
By Roy Alpain
In an attempt to resurrect his flagging
image and curry favour with a Kate and
William-obsessed public, Prince Charles
has announced he plans to live as a homeless
man in London for 48 hours.
An itinerary released by the Prince of
Wales private secretary reveals that Prince
Charles wants to pass two consecutive
afternoons eating Duchy Originals lemon
curd and bickies outside the Waitrose outlet
at Walton-on-Thames between 2-3:15.
“Perhaps the Prince of Wales may prefer
high tea instead. The formal arrangements
are subject to his mother’s approval,
of course,” the private secretary
acknowledged.
Prince Charles’s wife Camilla, the Duchess
of Cornwall, will be making regular
visits in an armoured Rolls Royce to protect
her from angry students and other
impetuous commoners.
Camilla is expected to deliver Charles
regular glasses of Duchy Original Organic
Select Ale, so as to prevent the parching of
his royal throat. “We’ve added organic oats
and barley,” Camilla observed, “to create
a pleasing, dark ruby brew.”
Every 90 minutes Charles will be airlifted
to a remote military base in North England
to undergo a barrage of tests to ensure
that England’s heir to the throne is still very
much alive.
“Charles enjoys perfect health, thanks
to daily breakfasts of Duchy Original organic
and free-range British bacon, which
doesn’t leave a white scummy residue on
your frying pan,” Camilla explained.
If his homeless experiment proves to be
a success, Prince Charles may consider
expanding his Duchy Originals business
empire, which he established in 1990, to
include rags for street people, Camilla revealed.
“The rags would be purely organic
cotton, of course.”
The Prince’s plan met with mixed reaction
on the street. “Who cares about
Charles? He should sod off, the bugger,”
Oswald Perriwinkle, a City banker,
weighed in.
“Can’t be disappear for longer than 48
hours?” asked one girl who identified herself
as Brittney Fairweather-Follows, an
American. “I only care about Will and Kate.”
JUST NOT SO STORIES
(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP)
Planet Trump
By I.M. Birther
“The world is now a safer
place,” U.S. President Barack
Obama declared, moments after
he received official verification
that Shuttle Endeavour took
off with Donald Trump aboard.
Shortly after the President announced,
“Donald Trump has
left the planet,” jubilant crowds
began to form outside the White
House in celebration. Authorities
closed Times Square to allow
for a spontaneous street
party led by comedian Chris
Rock.
“Can you imagine what that
hair must look like in zero gravity?”
Rock quipped. “Probably
the same as it looks down here.
Awful!”
To appease skeptics who believe
it all a well-orchestrated
publicity stunt, NASA has released
photos of a smiling
Trump floating in a space suit
with the moon visible in a porthole
behind his shoulder.
Via an audio interview with Fox
News, Trump confessed, “I’ve
had some far-out ideas before,
but this new space kick is really out of this
world!”
Trump laughed off suggestions from the
Fox interviewer that he was going to build
an intergalaxatic casino beside the International
Space Station.
“You can bet I’m thinking big,” Trump replied.
“The world look so small from out
Bum in seat
By Moore Blackouts
Days after being named chair of Nova
Scotia Power, ABCO president and Nova
Scotia Business Inc. chair Jim Eisenhauer
revealed his innovative new surgery to the
press.
According to doctors at Lunenburg’s
Fishermen’s Memorial Hospital,
Eisenhauer has become the world’s first
successful chair transplant patient.
here, I’m definitely buying the Great Wall
of China after I return to Earth.”
Last minute negotiations by the American
tycoon and presidential-hopeful to
board the shuttle’s final launch nearly collapsed
after Trump demanded to see the
birth certificate of each member of NASA’s
ground crew.
“The chair is surgically attached to my
buttocks,” a beaming Eisenhauer explained.
“That way I can go from meeting
to meeting and not waste precious moments
sitting down. I can get down to business
at the drop of my hat, I guess I mean,
at the drop of my arse.”
As news of Eisenhauer’s efficiency-enhancing
anatomy spread, share prices for
NSP’s parent company Emera rose $0.27
on the TSX.
“It’s as plain as the chair beneath my
legs,” Eisenhauer quipped. “Investors want
to give me a standing ovation.”
MAY 24, 2011 FRANK MAGAZINE 33