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CHAIRS! 

LIZ: 

off the air 

FRANK BY NAME, FRANK BY NATURE 

ISSUE 594 GOOD TIL SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 $3.00 

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BLOG 

BLOG 

FINGERS 

FINGERS 

HIGH HIGH & & MIGHTY 

MIGHTY 

CRYSTAL: 

Back to BT? 

MARIA: 

on the move

TWEETS OF THE WEEK 

Jehad “Jerry” 

Khoury 

� Just saw young CTV chickie-poo 

(not Kelland Whatsherface, the 

other one) [Kayla Hounsell — ed.] 

at the Second Cup on SGR. Ordered 

a London Fog, which isn’t a 

coat. (Tweeted Sept. 7) 

� Singer Anne Murray’s daughter 

(Dawn Langstroth) taken to 

hospital (for a rolled ankle). (Tweeted 

Aug. 31) 

� Probate documents on hand at the Halifax Law Courts indicate that 

Lebanon-born, Cole Harbour-dwelling businessman Jehad “Jerry” 

Khoury, who passed away in July at the age of 68, left all of his Nova 

Scotia holdings to his widow Rose (nee Nasr). His estate, valued at 

$503,000, does not include the couple’s $499,500-assessed home on 

Ritcey Crescent, the same street on which Trailer Park Boys star 

J.P. Tremblay (Julian) resides, or his holdings in Lebanon. The father 

of four, the names of two of Jerry’s kids, Marcel and Michel Khoury, 

Dawn Langstroth, with an unidentified man in a pic from her website, and her booboo (left). 

SPEAKING OF KAYLA HOUNSELL... 

BY W. EARL D. PEASE 

will ring familiar to members of the Ed Hardy 

crowd. They’re the owners of The Palace 

on Brunswick Street. (Tweeted Sept. 11) 

� Gerald Regan spotted at the Spring Garden 

Place food court. (Tweeted Sept. 10) 

TODAY SHE’S THE FRESH-FACED JILL OF ALL 

TRADES OVER AT CTV ATLANTIC ON ROBIE 

STREET. 

But eight years ago, reporter Kayla Hounsell, 

Kayla 

Hounsell 

2 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 

the network’s back-up bingo caller, was just one 

step away from being photographed with one 

hand on a giant baloney and the other resting on a 

sea of animal fur. 

That said, I think Gander, Nfld. export Kayla 

should thank her lucky stars that it was Kristen 

Parsons, a pretty little thang from Wabush, Labrador, 

that emerged victorious from the 2002 Miss 

Teen Newfoundland & Labrador pageant instead 

of her. 

Having swept the Miss Congeniality, fashion 

wear, evening wear, photogenic and spokesperson 

competitions, it was Kristen who was given 

the privilege of mugging for the camera alongside 

a pre-listeriosis Maple Leaf mascot, while Kayla 

went on to attend J-School at Carleton, spend 

time in Rwanda, and toil at CTV Ottawa, the nowdefunct 

CKX News in Brandon, Man., and Global 

Regina before landing in Halifax. 

Of course, Kayla isn’t the first beauty pageant 

contestant to touch down at CTV. If I’m not mistaken, 

Jackie Foster was once in contention for 

the title of Queen Annapolisa, while famed Live 

at 5 alumna Nancy Regan (a former Miss Bedford) 

walked away with a VCR, a brand-new set 

of downhill skis and a trip to Trawna to compete 

for Miss Canada after being crowned Miss Nova 

Scotia way back in 1986 (Frank 439). 

Kristen 

Parsons

ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA 

ISSUE 594 

SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 

I must speak to the minuscule number of 

infidels who after all these years remain 

Frankslamophobic. 

To these few infidels, er, um, fellow 

Nova Scotians I say we must move away 

from the anxiety, the anger, and the venom 

too often, and too incorrectly associated 

with radical Frankslam. 

We must appeal to our better angels, and 

ask ourselves the fundamental question: 

“Whaaad? Somethun’ wrong with radical 

Frankslam occupyin’ the popular imagination?” 

Of course not. There’s nothin’ wrong 

with radical Frankslam dominatin’ the 

popular imagination. 

Yes, it’s true a number of Frank staffers 

did dance in the street when the old 

Halifax Herald Bldg. crumbled to the 

ground. But that’s only because it gave us 

a shortcut to the Economy Shoe Shop 

Gonad-A-Go-Go. 

And, yes, it’s true that Iman A. Frank 

Grunt plans to erect a 13-storey likeness of 

Lt.-Governor Mayann Francis’s brown 

pussy on the site of the former Herald 

Building. But that’s only because there’s 

no better way to extend an olive branch 

than by acknowledging Her Honour’s 

beautiful cat. That’s why. 

That said, I would also like to thank 

Ms. Eleanor Liz Rigby for calling off her 

planned national “Burn a Frank Magazine 

Day,” and I trust Ms. Rigby will continue 

to exercise the same spirit of tolerance 

toward my goodself and my organ after 

she finishes reading this current edition. 

— — — Publisher Publisher 

Publisher 

Billy Billy Billy Bob Bob Bob McWilliams 

McWilliams 

Atlantic Canada Frank is a magazine of news, 

satire, opinion, comment and humour published 

every two weeks by Coltsfoot Publishing Co. Ltd. 

Copyright Coltsfoot Publishing Ltd. Mailing address: 

Frank Magazine, P.O. Box 295, Halifax, 

B3J 2N7. Subscriptions: see back page. Publications 

Mail Agreement No. 40050490; P.A.P. No. 

8158. Phone: 420-1668. Fax: 423-0281. E-mail: 

atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca. Toll-free Tips Hotline: 

1-888-335-5505. Letters, see Pages 30, 31. We 

ackowledge the financial support of the Government 

of Canada through the Canada Periodical 

Fund (CPF) for our publishing activities. 

RADIO PULLED OUT THE STOPS FOR EARL 

CBC RADIO DID A VERY REASONABLE JOB 

COVERING HURRICANE/TROPICAL STORM 

EARL, CONSIDERING HARDLY ANYBODY IS LEFT 

IN THE RADIO NEWS BUSINESS ANYMORE. 

They offered 11 hours of live coverage. The 

first eight hours were hosted by Don Connolly 

and Doug Barron, while Jean Laroche and 

Stephanie Domet served up the final three 

hours. 

The coverage was augmented by reports 

BY HARRY TAGE 

ARMED WITH ONLY A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT, A 

HOOLIGAN CAN CAUSE EVEN A CENTURIES-OLD 

FACADE TO RESEMBLE THE MOST CONTEMPO- 

RARY VISION OF URBAN DECAY. 

This recently vandalized historic property lies 

across the street from the Nova Scotia College 

of Art & Design, although I am not suggesting 

that this artless descretion of heritage 

was the work of a budding bohemian art student. 

No, whoever decided to use these old stone 

walls, erected at the turn of Halifax history, as 

a canvas for their own destructive power, could 

not possibly be interested in art or architectural 

throughout the region and extended hourly 

newscasts. 

On the television side, the coverage was handled 

largely by the CBC News Network but 

Tom Murphy was brought in at 5 p.m. on 

regular CBC-TV to host a live 30-minute special 

on the storm. 

Localized programming was also set for the 

St. John, N.B., region but when the storm 

shifted east, so did the direction of CBC’s live 

coverage. 

A PARTICULARLY SAD TAG 

beauty, and is nothing but a culturally insensitive 

brute. 

Eyesores like this are perpetrated by common 

vandals and aesthetic bullies, and it is my 

strong hope that they are punished for their 

misdeeds. 

After all, graffiti is a criminal offence, but somehow 

the tagging just looks worse and more 

obnoxious painted over a facade that developer 

Big Ben McRae is going to be gracious 

enough to retain, once he erects his soul-less, 

modern office highrise over the historically significant 

buildings he razed. 

Does Frank Know? 

atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca 

SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 3

FRANKLAND TAX LESSON 

FOR SENATOR MOORE 

BY PAT ANNE SERR 

THE HON. SENATOR WILFRED P. MOORE 

HAS A HABIT OF IGNORING MY MESSAGES, SO I 

AM UNABLE TO DEFINITIVELY SAY IF THE HON. 

SOUTH SHORE SENATOR IS GUILTY OF MISIN- 

TERPRETING FEDERAL LAW, OR PERHAPS FINDS 

HIMSELF THE VICTIM OF THE MISQUOTE OF THE 

CENTURY. 

In the recent Progress Entreprise article, 

“Senator responds to questions about funds,” 

“Free Willie” tells scribe Robert Hirtle that he 

is unable to hand over the Bluenose II Preservation 

Trust money to the province because, 

“It is against the law.” 

Willie is further quoted saying, “It’s against 

the law under the charities act. We can’t give 

money to what is deemed an ineligible donee.” 

Of the province’s claim to the $700,000-plus 

trust kitty — in the past five years, the Hon. 

Senator has stymied a revolving door of N.S. 

Tourism ministers from claiming the funds — 

Willie is quoted saying, “It’s simply not correct 

and that has been made clear to us as well by 

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING PM! 

BY LOTTA SWAG 

WHILE OPPOSITION LEADER MIKE IGNATIEFF WINDS UP HIS SWEATY, 

SUMMER BUS TOUR, PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER MUST BE BUSY 

WONDERING WHERE HE CAN STASH ALL OF HIS NEWFOUND SWAG BAGS. 

Earlier this summer PM Stevie scored loot aplenty from his brief stint as 

host of the G-8 and G-20 summits. You remember those summit thingies: 

the eyes of the world on Canada; the tear gas and broken windows 

along Queen Street West; the $2 million artificial lake? Yes, now you 

remember. 

Well, it turns out that Stevie collected more gifts from world leaders at 

the summits than Santa Claus squeezes down the chimney for spoiled 

anklebiters on the Night Before Christmas. 

Now 24 Sussex Drive’s legion of housekeepers must be tearing their 

hair out, trying to find room for all Stevie’s new playthings. (If you’re 

wondering, according to federal Conflict of Interest rules, gifts over 

$1,000 are forfeited to the Crown.) 

Here are all of Stevie’s declared summit gifts: 

� Six silk ties from Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian loudmouth playboy. 

� Zeiss binoculars from Angela Merkel, the likeable plump German 

lady who resembles a singer in an oompah band. 

� Tea set for six from Dimitryi Medvedev, who everyone knows is 

really Vladimir Putin in disguise. 

� Silver ceremonial dagger, from Abdelaziz Bouteflika of Algeria (so 

Stephen can dispatch enemies the Algerian way? — ed.) 

� A “large piece” of Qiang embroidery from Hu Jinto, an offering de- 


the charity sector of the Canada Revenue 

Agency.” 

But, contrary to Willie’s public assertions, CRA 

spokesperson Philippe Brideau tells me registered 

charities, such as Willie’s Bluenose II 

Preservation Trust, can in fact donate money 

to the provincial government under the Charities 

Act. 

“Are you sure?” I ask again. 

So I won’t have to take her word for it, Philippe 

emails me the legislation, with the appropriate 

bit highlighted in green. Sure enough, the CRA 

official is right, and the Hon. Senator is wrong. 

(Shurely shome mishtake! — ed.) 

As I say, Willie did not return my message 

seeking clarification. If he ever gets back to me, 

hell will freeze over, I mean, I’ll let you know. 

Willie has 6.5 years left in the Upper Chambers 

until his mandatory retirement at 75. Paid 

$132,300-per, plus perks, he sits on the Senate 

committees for Banking, Trade and Commerce, 

and the Scrutiny of Regulations. 



Sen. Willy Moore 

signed no doubt in the finest of Chinese sweatshops. 

� “Various hand painted boxes and set of 

dishes” from Felipe Calderon. I’m unclear if 

the boxes were actually coffins meant for the HILL O’ 

ongoing Mexican drug war, but I’m quite sure 

the dishes were mucho bueno. BEANS 

� A “large marble disk with flora pattern inlaid 

with stone” from Indian PM Manmohan Singh. It’s amazing what you 

can fit under those Sikh turbans, isn’t it? 

Finally, Canada’s First Lady, the highly independent Laureen Harper 

(Frank 577), also received some thank-you gifts for her hostess duties. 

� A David Yurman bracelet from Michelle Obama. Nothing says Fifth 

Avenue like a Yurman bracelet, unless of course it was purchased for 

$50 from a street vendor near Times Square. 

� A Hermes scarf from Maria Barroso, wife of former Portugese 

PM, Jose Barroso, the current European Commission prez, a perfect 

accessory for lovely biker chick Laureen. 

� A Motocicolo cloth jacket from the Australian government. Must be 

kangaroo skin or something. I dunno. 

Nothing at all from the newest kid on the block, Conservative Brit 

skinflint, David Cameron, who apparently has never heard of dutyfree. 


atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca

GET READY 

FOR RUSH HOUR 

BY RALPH KRAMDEN 

GREAT NEWS, SIR! THE 15 BRAND SPANKING 

NEW METRO TRANSIT BUSES, ORDERED FROM 

QUEBEC MANUFACTURER NOVA BUS, ARE NOW 

ALL ABLE TO BRAKE ON A DIME. 

I take great comfort in this thought, as I am of 

the opinion that braking is an essential part of 

every bus driver’s job. I mean, those signs that 

you see on the side of the road, often beside a 

glassed-in shelter with half the glass smashed 

out, where the poor huddled masses stand 

around in some perverse edurance test, are 

called bus stops for a reason. 

Metro Transit spokesthingy Lori Patterson 

tells me “a few” of the new buses had “an issue,” 

discovered in late August after the newly 

arrived vehicles “didn’t pass a brake efficiency 

test.” 

Rather than try to recreate the climactic scene 

of Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra 

Bullock, Metro Transit opted to work with the 

manufacturer and fix the faulty brakes. The “issue,” 

Lori assures me, is now “resolved,” and 

the new buses are on the streets, stuck in 

gridlock as they should be. In short, all is right 

again in the world. 

Except, that is, for folks taking the #1 Spring 

Garden route on September 7, when one of 

the brand new accordion-style buses failed to 

start outside the Lord Nelson. (At least it 

stopped all right! — ed.) 

According to my colleague, A. Frank Grunt, 

who was on the peasant wagon in question, it 

BY SAUL I. DARRITY 

FROM THE “SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE!” FILES, 

COMES WORD THAT LABOUR LEADER DAVE CARR 

HAS CLIMBED INTO BED WITH MANAGEMENT. 

Dave tells me he resigned as CUPE Local 

108 president because, “I honestly was not 

enjoying going to work everyday.” 

Asked why, Dave didn’t seem all that eager to 

give chapter and verse, adding only “I’ve been 

there three years. I just wasn’t enjoying going 

to work everyday.” (Join the club! — ed.) 

But a bright new future looms on the horizon. 

Dave is about to start his new job as operations 

manager at the Sackville Sports Stadium, and 

until then, he notes, “I’m still a member of CUPE 

108.” 

Along with representing over 450 HRM civic 

Riding Metro Transit (not exactly as illustrated). 

took the driver about six minutes to coax the 

bus back into operation. 

The 15 Nova buses are the first shipment of 

45 new buses over the next three years. The 

new fleet is costing the taxpayer over $32 million. 

THIS JUST IN: Of his experience aboard a 

new bus, one MT rider complains of the suspension 

system, saying it “shakes so bad I almost 

lost a freckle off my leg.” 



GOTHAM 

CITY 

BROTHER DAVE GOES TO THE DARK SIDE 

workers, the CUPE local also goes to bat for 

about 770 Halifax school board support staffers, 

employees of Cole Harbour Place, and 

provincial park lifeguards. 

Even before Dave’s presidential run, membership 

widely suspected that its leaders were 

too cosy with HRM management, and in Frank 

556, I reported the rumours that Dave put his 

name in for a management job, a charge at the 

time he adamantly denied. 

According to a source, Dave’s sudden defection 

has royally “pissed off” the rank and 

file. 

In a brief Dear John note, emailed to comrades 

on September 2, Dave wrote: “Dear 

Members: This letter is to inform you of my resignation 

as president of CUPE Local 108. In accordance 

with our bylaws, Steve Blackmore 

will assume the acting president role. Yours truly, 

Dave Carr.” 

Local 108 brothers and sisters ratified their 

latest collective agreement in October 2009 by 

a resounding 94 per cent vote. A 94 per cent 

acceptance means Dave reached the best possible 

deal he could reach. 

If there are any pressing issues facing CUPE 

108, acting-prezzie Steve apparently isn’t too 

concern. Asked to sum up the state of the union, 

Steve, who I’m told once ran against Bob 

Harvey for Sackville councillor, tells me the 

local “is in good shape. We’re movin’ right along. 

Smooth as can be.” Okey-dokey, then. 




SHOWDOWN IN BOULDERWOOD 

BY A. FRANK GRUNT 

FROM THE “HE SAID, HE SAID...” DEPARTMENT 

COMES NEWS OF A BROUHAHA BETWEEN LONG- 

TIME CAPE BRETON SOUTH MLA MANNING 

“PORKER” MACDONALD, WHO TURNS 68 ON 

SEPTEMBER 18, AND ONE OF HIS NOT-SO- 

HAPPY CONSTITUENTS, JOHN GABRIEL BAILEY, 

47, WHO WAS FIRED AS A BUS DRIVER WITH 

CAPE BRETON TRANSIT AND LIVES WITH HIS 

MOTHER. 

Last month, Gabriel found himself driving in 

the v. comfortable Boulderwood area of Sydney 

when he spotted Porker, of the v. comfortable 

Boulderwood area, out for his evening 

walk. 

The unemployed Gabriel was driving a Hummer. 

Both parties agree that a conversation ensued 

in which Bailey accused Porker of not 

doing anything to help him get his bus driving 

job back. 

Both parties agree that it was a heated conversation. 

Gabriel told Porker that Porker 

should’ve helped him because he (Gabriel) 

knows where all the bodies were buried. 

Porker told me he advised Gabriel to stay in 

his Hummer and not step outside the vehicle 

because trouble would then surely ensue. 

Gabriel told me he went for a coffee then 

phoned Porker’s house to continue the conversation. 

He left a message. 

Gabriel said he received a return call back 

from Porker in which Porker threatened to “tear 


CAPE 

BRETON 

CALLLING... 

his jugular out” because “you, you little bastard 

you don’t know who you are messing with...” 

Horsefeathers, sez Porker, who told me the 

only “threat” he made was to advise Gabriel not 

to move from his vehicle. 

Meantime, I’m happy to report that Cape 

Breton Regional Police have not found any 

grounds to charge either Porker or Gabriel with 

making threats. 

(Fellahs, can’t we just all get along here?) 

John Gabriel Bailey was fired from CB Transit 

in February 2005, after a brouhaha with a 

Cape Breton University international student. 

He had been driving bus for them since the summer 

of 2000, and was previously off on stress 

leave. 

He told me he did nothing wrong, ever, that at 

all times he was only obeying company rules 

and regulations. 

He told me none of 17 complaints against him 

had any standing, and that, in fact, he had received 

much commendation prior to his firing. 

He was, afterwards, offered a job washing 

the buses, but he turned that down. 

Rodger Cuzner 

in action. 

Manning MacDonald 

I don’t suspect Gabriel will be in attendance 

at Porker’s 68th birthday party. 

However, I truly, madly, deeply feel this would 

be the perfect opportunity to send along a nice 

fruit basket and mend fences. 

Cheque please... 



RODGER’$ 

$WITCHEROO 

CUT$ DEEP 

CAPE BRETON-CANSO MP RODGER CUZNER 

MAY NOT MISS HIS OLD JOB AS LIBERAL PARTY 

WHIP, BUT I’M WILLING TO BET HE’LL MISS THE 

EXTRA $28,000 THAT WENT WITH IT. 

Liberal egghead Michael Ignatieff stripped 

Rodg of the lucrative post last week during a 

critics’ shuffle, handing it instead to Quebec 

MP Marcel Proulx. 

And while Cuzner, 54, remains in the mix as 

Fisheries and ACOA critic, his salary drops to 

$157,000 instead of the roughly $185,000 he 

was making before. 

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

INDIAN 

NEWS FOR 

INDIANS 

BY MICK MACK 

MY GOD, DON’T I WISH ONE OF THE 

NETWORKS WOULD PRE-EMPT THEIR 

THURSDAY NIGHT PRIMETIME LINEUP ON 

OCTOBER 7 IN FAVOUR OF COMMERCIAL- 

FREE ELECTION COVERAGE LIVE FROM THE 

WAYCOBAH FIRST NATION. 

I mean, you just know that we’ll have to suffer 

through endless election returns from New 

Brunswick on September 27, even though 

the match-up of Shawn Graham vs. David 

Alward doesn’t capture the imagination nearly 

as well as the veritable battle of the titans that 

awaits us next month on the tiny Western 

Cape Breton reserve. 

Reformed deadbeat dad Rod Googoo is challenging 

incumbent chief Morley Googoo for 

all the marbles in the upcoming band council 

elections. In this case, the “marbles” are a salary 

of $65,000 per year, and the power to run 

the reserve as you see fit, with little outside 

interference, for the next two years. 

Baggage belonging to both men has been 

chronicled extensively in my organ. Morley’s 

public relations disasters have included that 

$60,000 youth group trip to the Dominican 

Republic (Frank 539, 592) and his well-publicized 

brush with the law for assaulting his estranged 

wife back in 2008. As for Rod, his very 

public battle with his ex-girlfriend Laura over 

child support resulted in no small measure of 

Frankland examination earlier this year (Frank 

580, 581), although I understand he’s now mak- 

$WITCHEROO, FROM PREVIOUS PAGE 

“Critics don’t get extra pay,” advises a Frank 

source. “Just the regular ($157,731) MP salary.” 

For whatever reason Stephen Maher, the 

Chronically Horrid’s self-important Ottawa 

Bureau hack, failed to make note of this v. important 

monetary come down, choosing instead 

to brand Cuzner “the most prominent Liberal 

spokesman on key issues.” 

Meanwhile Gritty insiders are calling the shift 

“a big demotion,” charging that Cuzner, “was 

clearly punished for losing the maternal health 

vote in the spring.” 

As whip, it was Cuzner’s job to get the Liberals 

in the House for the vote on the issue the 

Conservatives dismissed as nothing more than 

Rod Googoo Morley Googoo 

ing regular payments to the lady in question. 

Rod held the position for eight years in the 

1980s, while Morley has served a total of 19 

years in the big chair. 

Not to be forgotten is the fact that Rod, 57ish, 

and Morley, 41ish, are facing six other challengers: 

Willie Cremo, Noel Doucette, Alexander 

Googoo, Eric Googoo, Troy Gould 

an attempt to re-open the abortion debate. 

In the end, the initiative, which had support 

from all three Opposition parties, went down to 

defeat, 144-138, after three Liberal MPs sided 

with the government, and a gaggle of others 

were no-shows. 

Even though Iggy called the vote one of conscience, 

the Toronto Star - without even naming 

Cuzner - reported at the time that “the vote 

was subsequently whipped - with little effect.” 

Speaking to Maher about the change in the 

status quo, Cuzner said: “It’s a job where you 

deal, day in and day out, with everyone else’s 

problems.” 

Sounds a bit like working here, only I’ve never 

been paid an extra $28,000 to do it! 



and Andrew Michael. 

Dozens have been nominated for the handful 

of council seats up for grabs, positions that 

pay $39,000 per year. Incidentally, not fewer 

than 13 of the council candidates share the 

surname Bernard. 



Check out our 

YouTube page: 

www.youtube.com/ 

loyalsubscriber2 


OUR AULD LANG SYNE 

TO LIZ RIGNEY... 


LIZ RIGNEY IS ALL “GROWED UP.” 

AND HER DEPARTURE AS AN ON-AIR CTV 

PERSONALITY MARKS THE END OF AN ERA. 

Liz, 44ish, packed in her entertainment gig on 

Robie Street, Friday, September 3 in the 

dying minutes of Live at 5, pressed shoulderto-shoulder 

between host Starr Dobson and 

newly christened entertainment reporter Maria 

Panopalis. 

Complete with the on-air presentation of a 

Best Wishes cake, it was a tearful but not an 

undeserved send-off for Liz, who takes over 

as the CTV Community Relations gal, replacing 

longtime CR supremo Renee Fournier, 

who bolted for the Halifax Discovery Centre. 

Liz, a ’94 Kings School of Journalism grad, 

chose not to take my phone call. 

We were prattling on famously until I came to 

the Frank Magazine part, at which point Liz’s 

demeanour turned cold, her voice shrill. 

“I don’t want to talk to you. I have another 

call....” 

Then nothing but dial tone. 

Guess community relations only applies to a 

certain community, of which I am obviously not 

a member. 

We used to talk one time, me and Liz. 

She’d be her usually bubbly self and I would 

be my usual boorish self trying to find out why 

she no longer sported her wedding ring or her 

engagement ring. 

On other occasions it would be to enquire 

about a new boyfriend or why a recent relationship 

went south. 

This went on for a few years until Liz finally 

had enough of it. 

Truth be told, diplomatic relations in recent 

years haven’t been what they once were. Pity 

that. 

Maybe I would’ve done the same. Maybe I’d 

react the same way if the stiletto was on the 

other foot. 

Then again, maybe somewhere down the line 

I’d come to realize that Frank Magazine is 

only interested in me because Frank Magazine 

readers are interested in me. 

Maybe, I’d wake up one morning to realize 

that many CTV viewers also, by some bizarre 

stroke of misfortune, are also Frank Magazine 

subscribers. Heaven help us. 

Maybe, I’d realize that, like it or not, the power 

of the idiot-box has suddenly fashioned me a 

local celebrity in a very small pool of idiot-box 

celebrities and now I will chose to take the good 


with the bad. Suck up the idiot-box celebrity 

perks when they come along, and take my idiotbox 

celebrity lumps on the head when they 

come along. Simple man-up celebrity idiot-box 

physics. Or, one might think. 

Famous Wedding 

Photographs 

You know, folks, Frank Magazine, as far 

as I know (and I’ve only been dragging my sorry 

arse here for 20 years) has never claimed any 

monopoly in the business of “good news.” Seriously. 

We haven’t. 

Still there are some television personalities 

who, even after all these years, just don’t get it. 

MEDIA 

MADNESS 

Liz with 

Rita MacNeil. 

Oh, sure, they’ll go as far as secretly emailing 

to The Bunker their summer wedding photos, 

the few wedding photographs which don’t 

showcase that lazy left eye or that horrendous 

speed bump on the bridge of the nose. 

They’ll even send you pics of the newborn: 

Yepper, the proverbial 27 eight-by-10 colour 

glossy photographs with circles and arrows 

and a paragraph on the back of each attempting 

to explain away why their baby’s head is as big 

as Winston Churchill’s and contains a face 

like Truman Capote’s.(Must be the bad lighting 

is all I can figure!) 

No matter. 

CONTINUED ON PAGE 10

WHO YA GONNA CALL!? 

THE CTV COMMUNITY RELATIONS GIG IS NOT AN UNIMPORTANT 

FUNCTION. 

Liz Rigney will now serve as the public liaison for CTV Atlantic. As 

such, she becomes the gatekeeper for the station. 

If your town or village festival wants access to, say, Live at 5, then you 

have to go through Liz Rigney. 

She also becomes something of a booking agent for CTV Atlantic on-air 

MARIA’S BIG MOVE 

SO CTV ATLANTIC WILL ATTEMPT TO SOLDIER 

ON AS BEST IT CAN IN THIS, THE POST-LIZ 

RIGNEY ERA, WITH THE ENTERTAINMENT BATON 

NOW FIRMLY, VERY FIRMLY, I MIGHT ADD, IN 

THE HANDS OF THE TALENTED AND FRAGRANT 

MARIA PANOPALIS, FORMERLY OF BREAKFAST 

TELEVISION. 

Those are very lovely and very capable 

hands, the hands of Greek Goddess Maria 

Panopalis. Firm hands. Very firms hands. 

As was so eloquently penned in July, 2005, 

in Frank 458: 

“Maria is the Aphrodite of the 52-inch High 

Definition Plasma Screen. Like fellow Greek 

Goddess Persephone, The Maiden of the 

Spring, where Maria walks flowers are sure to 

grow.” 

But enough thinly, very thinly veiled lasciviousness. 

“Get out of my way, I’m ready to roar,” Maria 

laughed when I phoned with congratulations on 

the new post. She was, of course, gracious 

and astute enough to take my phone call. Others 

would do well to take heed. 

No matter. 

Maria, 33, the darling of the Halifax Greek 

community, (when I mention her name at the 

Crystal Garrett 

Bluenose Restaurant I always get 10 cents 

off my can of coke!) told me she was “really 

happy” about the new gig. Told me she took a 

couple of week days and the weekend to think 

the thing over before jumping at the chance to 

get the hell out from under Breakfast Television. 

Who could blame her? 

But despite what I and other like-minded 

naysayers might think of Breakfast Television, 

Maria told me it broke her heart to finally make 

the decision to leave Jayson Baxter and Cyril 

Lunney. 

“I am really going to miss them, they were all 

... oh, I can’t explain it ... so great to work with,” 

she gushed. 

But the new challenge awaits, and Maria, a 

mathematics major, is confident she will enjoy 

doing the entertainment beat. 

“It’s a new audience. I’ve done a bit of it in the 

past, so in that regard it’s not really a change, 

but I know I’ll have to work hard to fill Liz’s 

shoes.” 

And who will fill Maria’s shoes at Breakfast 

Television? 

When I throw out the possibility of Crystal 

Garrett returning full-time to Breakfast Television, 

Maria flutters: 

“Oh, she’s fabulous, just fabulous...” 

staff. If you are looking for an emcee for your Lunenburg County 

truck-pull, then you’ll also go through Liz. 

As well, Liz will be working closely with the station’s advertising department 

in an effort to optimize, as they say, all revenue streams. 

I don’t know this for a fact but I suspect there is also an informal 

ombudsman function to Liz’s new gig. 

Certainly not necessarily from an editorial stand-point but I think when 

called upon Liz will give of herself to venture into the rural jungle and tell 

the good people in the boonies, at least those of them who have access 

to a television set and adequate reception, that CTV Atlantic is thinking of 

them. 

Maria Panolalis 

CRYSTAL’S A BIT TOO BUSY FOR BT 

CRYSTAL GARRETT, 30SUMTHUN’, MAY BE “in Public Relations Writing along with Mass 

FABULOUS BUT I WOULD NOT HOLD MY BREATH Media and Public Opinion.” 

WAITING FOR HER TO COME BACK TO BREAKFAST So, although Crystal has made it clear to CTV 

brass that she’s available to fill in at the station 

TELEVISION ON ANY FULL-TIME BASIS. 

if they are really, really stuck, I’d have to con- 

As noted four months ago in Frank 584, Crysclude 

that a full-time return to BT or anywhere 

tal, talented and fragrant mother of three, wasn’t 

else within the station is out of the question for 

really jumping for joy when she was pulled as now. 

the BT news reader and given a reporter’s cu- If Crystal was smart, and she is, she’d stick 

bicle in the CTV newsroom. 

with the world of academe and blow off alto- 

She liked the early morning hours, it gave her gether her on-air television career. 

more time in the afternoon to spend with her In the wonderful cutthroat world of academe 

three children, aged 2 through 8. 

she joins her good man husband, Alexander 

But this go-round there’s a complication as MacLeod, who teaches contemporary Cana- 

Crystal Garrett, for this academic year at least, dian Literature & Atlantic Studies at Saint 

has popped up as a professor at Mount Saint Mary’s University. 

Vincent University. 

Yes, as I previously noted, Alexander is the 

She’s filling in for the year teaching three full son of noted author Alistair “No Great 

classes at the mount, as her MSVU profile reads, Mischief”MacLeod. 


WHY JAYSON IS MIA 

AT FRANKLAND PRESS TIME, BREAKFAST TELEVISION CO-HOST JAYSON 

BAXTER WAS NO WHERE TO BE SEEN. ON-AIR THAT IS. 

That’s because the avid sportsman, whose journalistic lineage can be 

LIZ RIGNEY, FROM PAGE 8 

At Frank Magazine we share in the unbridled joy of these idiot-box 

celebrities, even as they struggle through their clothing-allowance James 

L. Brooks-directed Broadcast News lives. Even if we can’t determine 

the reason their kids are ugly. We are still at their side. Now and forever. 

But when the moment turns sour and the news ain’t so good, baby, 

does this lot, with three or four courageous exceptions, ever run for 

cover! Let me tell you. 

So, somewhere down the crooked path of the last three or four years, 

Liz Rigney swore she’d have nothing more to do with me. 

I’m not upset. I’m not hurt. I’m just curious. Like I’ve always been. 

If Frank Magazine did anything to offend or upset Liz Rigney, I’d just 

like to know what we did, that’s all. 

Maybe Liz Rigney “hates” us? Such a strong word, “hate,” isn’t it? 

Particularly when directed at another human being or group of human 

beings. 

Yep. Unleash the ol’ H-word and you really don’t leave yourself much 

room to backtrack, do you? 

Nope. Kinda painted yourself into a corner with that one. You said it, 

you own it. Be careful when you roll out the H-word ‘cause it ain’t so easy 

to reel back in. Hard to un-hear that one, the H-word. 

Then again, maybe Liz Rigney thinks we hate her. 

We don’t. Never have. Never will. 

What we did hate was Liz’s television presentation: the absolute giddiness, 

the banshee cries on Breakfast Television; at the 2006 Junos in 

Halifax, the running up and down the red carpet like an amphetaminelaced 

chicken with its head cut off. The downright silliness. 

Our Maritime Neighbourhood 

It was Liz Rigney’s energy, her enthusiasm, her primal screaming, which 

got the better of us. 

But that’s only our opinion. 

It’s entirely subjective, as are most opinions, as are all matters of taste. 

As is the distinction one might hold between what one might deem artistic 

and appropriate and what one might deem over-the-top, vulgar, inappropriate, 

or even nauseating. 

Our criticisms of Liz Rigney related to her professional style, and as 

such were very much unrelated to Liz Rigney as a person. 

And for every Frank Magazine staffer who recoiled at a Liz Rigney 

television presentation you can bet out there in CTV’s hokey, homespun 

“Maritime Neighbourhood” there were tens of thousands of hokey 

homespun Maritimers who just couldn’t get enough of P.E.I.-born Liz 

Rigney. 

Like I say, I’m no expert, but I don’t think there was a lot of middle ground 

when it came to Liz Rigney. The same can be said for Frank Magazine. 

It all begs the question: over the past 15 years, has Frank Magazine’s 

criticism of Liz Rigney’s on-air performance been fair? 

Well, to employ a well-worn weasel answer, “Probably not.” 

Number one: Liz, a ’89 Dal BA grad, came to television armed not only 

with her King’s J-School Repository diploma but with a background in 

theatre arts. 

From the very start it was unfair, frightfully unfair, to put Christiane 

Amanpour expectations on Liz Rigney when Miss Fran from Romper 

Room expectations would have sufficed nicely. 

I think that “mis-read” of expectations on our part remains regrettable. I 

apologize. 

Number two: Within the regrettable, context of contemporary television 

news, or at least what attempts to pass itself off as news, Liz Rigney 

was never out of place. 


traced back to serious news in various western outports for Mother 

Corp., has a bum shoulder. 

I understand Jayson was riding his bicycle when he was struck by a 

motor vehicle. Nothing too, too serious, I’m told, just the broken shoulder 

and a stiff neck. 

That’s why if you recently saw Crystal Garrett filling in on BT, it’s only 

‘cause Jayson is in the BT sick-bay. 

Liz with 

John Gracie. 

Fact is, CTV’s Breakfast Television never purported to be CBS’s 60 

Minutes; CTV’s Live at 5 ain’t Bill Moyer’s Journal; and the CTV 

News at 6 will never be mistaken for the PBS NewsHour. Not in my 

lifetime. 

Fact is, Liz Rigney can just plead Nuremburg. 

Good Will & Cutsie-Wootsie 

In the Golden Age of Television Dumb-Down, Liz Rigney, while 

perhaps not the prototype, was nonetheless suited for the times. 

Her reportage was apple pie and motherhood stuff. It was good will 

and cutsie-wootsie. Good CTV, kumbaya, “Maritime Neighbourhood” fluff. 

The customized fare general manager Mike Elgie and news director 

Jay Witherbee have been serving their Maritime Neighbourhood for far 

too long. You know, the usual cancer scares, hurricane scares, all that 

“Could it happen here?” crap. Crap without enterprise, and requiring only 

the most perfunctory investigative skills. Any real investigative work will 

usually fall to CTV veterans Rick Grant and/or Todd Battis. 

Liz’s hard news reports were more like reasonably good features than 

hard news. 

As well, the subject matter for same, the dying kid and the aging WWII 

veteran, were all too easily predictable. 

Moreover, while the topic of the dying kid and the aging WWII vet might 

be something of a challenge for the first year King’s J-School intern, it’s a 

notch or two below the calibre of reporting the seasoned television reporter 

should have his or her name affixed to. 

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

TAKE COLLEEN JONES ... PLEASE! 

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT’S GOIN’ SOUND LIKE I’M 

GETTIN’ GREEDY. AS USUAL I AM ASKING TOO 

MUCH. BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER ALOUD: 

Now that CTV has found other accommodations 

for Liz Rigney, it is maybe possible that 

CBC Nova Scotia can finally clip the wings of 

its very own screaming banshee. 

I refer, of course, to the one, the only Colleen 

Jones. 

Let’s just say that Liz Rigney was sedate, in 

a very deep coma, compared to the long running 

antics of gum chomping Colleen Jones. 

You know when Colleen Jones is on your 

television because you can hear the wailing 

from your front lawn. 

Equally unpleasant is that in every so-called 

“story” Colleen Jones’s long-suffering cameraman 

is forced to shoot, he’s also forced to shoot 

Colleen Jones as the one and only focal point of 

the alleged story. 

Either this woman suffers terribly from Nar- 

LIZ RIGNEY, FROM PREVIOUS PAGE In the fall of 2005, Liz Rigney finally got the 

Ummm, like where do you go after that? 

Do you let the dirt under your fingernails pile 

up, disguise yourself in dirty, baggy clothes, go 

undercover and hang out for the day bumming 

quarters on Spring Garden Road, the province’s 

unofficial Beggar’s Row? 

Or, maybe, Liz, like an excitable first year J- 

School intern, already turned that easily predictable 

trick and I missed it. I apologize once 

more. 

So, after near 15 years of Liz Rigney, how do 

we sum up her career? Did Liz Rigney live up to 

her potential? 

Well, we can’t sum up Liz’s television presenter 

career in shades of black or white, good 

or bad, success or failure. 

Her television presenter career is too varied 

to be measured by broad strokes. 

That said, Liz’s seven or eight years on asinine 

Breakfast Television, when the early morning 

gigglefest was at it’s absolute birdbrained 

best, didn’t do her any good. 

She began this madness circa 1996. Liz 

Rigney goes all the way back to the BT days of 

Joesph Stalin lookalike Kurt Stoodley, and, 

of course, up through the ranks of Scott Boyd 

and Jayson Baxter. 

In short, Liz Rigney stayed too long at Breakfast 

Television. She became too closely identified 

with that product. Not quite a form of career 

suicide, but definitely a form of career castration. 

Years later when she moved into the CTV 

newsroom. Liz openly admitted her years at 

Breakfast Television made it difficult for her to 

be taken serious as a television reporter. No 

kidding. 

I remember standing with reporter Liz the night 

health minister Jane Purves lost her seat in 

2003 provincial general election. I remember Liz 

asking Jane the question, “How are you feeling?” 

I remember feeling, for a moment, as if I 

was suddenly trapped in a hospital ward. 

cissistic Personality Disorder, or she continues 

to angle for her own show on Mother 

Corp. 

I don’t know, some sort of “On The Road 

Again” with Colleen Jones, or “It’s a Living” with 

Colleen Jones. Hell, maybe Colleen Jones wants 

to bring back “Man Alive” so she can star in a 

re-make of that? Become a gum chomping, obnoxious 

21st century version of Roy 

Bonisteel. Who knows? 

What I do know is that giving Colleen Jones 

her own CBC show would come at Canadian 

taxpayers expense. 

But as a consumer of CBC Nova Scotia I 

strongly feel the right thing to do is to give Colleen 

Jones her own regional half-hour show. It 

would be the most prudent investment. 

I think Colleen Jones would do rather well 

working out of CBC North, either Yellowknife 

or Whitehorse, which ever one is the coldest 

and the bloody farthest from Nova Scotia. 

Just a thought. 

CTV job she had always wanted, entertainment 

hack. 

She was turned down for the gig when 

Joanne Nugent was replaced by Todd Battis. 

She was turned down for the gig when Todd 

Battis was replaced by MairiAnna Bachynsky. 

But when Bachynsky bolted for Toronto that 

fall, Liz Rigney was third time lucky. 

It no longer mattered that Liz had also been 

passed over in favour of Starr Dobson as 

Nancy Regan’s replacement on Live at 5. 

Liz Rigney was in her element. She is a natural 

born schmoozer, an entertainer, herself, 

having released at least two CDs. For those of 

you keeping score at home that’s two more CDs 

than anybody at Frank Magazine. 

Liz is a bit of a softie. For those who know 

her on a personal level I am sure she is a wonderful, 

faithful friend and an absolute scream to 

hang out with. 

Liz doesn’t like to offend people. Fact of the 

matter is Liz Rigney never set out to be the next 

Barbara Frum or Paul Withers in a skirt. 

In the entertainment world Liz’s over-the-top 

exuberance only mirrored the self-aggrandizing 

artzie-fartzies she had to deal with. To some 

Liz’s excitable flighty nature no longer stood 

out like it once did. 

In fact, to some, if you didn’t know better, you 

might have thought a time or two that Liz Rigney 

was mocking, imitating or doing her own parody 

of the excitable artzie-fartzies. 

She wasn’t. She was just being Liz Rigney. 

Liz Rigney was one of them. 

To that extent, Liz Rigney did live up to her 

journalistic potential. 

But it’s all over now. It’s yesterday’s news. 

Liz is “all growed up” now. She has her own 

office, her own walls to decorate and she has 

put away her childish things. 

We wish Liz Rigney the very best. 



Colleen 

Jones 

YO, HO, BLOW 

THE MAN DOWN! 

SPEAKING OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY 

DISORDER, I CHATTED A BIT WITH TELEVISION 

FOLK THIS WEEK, BOTH ON AND OFF THE 

RECORD. 

When the subject of the coverage of Hurricane/Tropical 

Storm Earl came up, I could 

detect a bit of a groan from two of my friends. 

The object of their derision was a piece by 

CTV Atlantic’s Paul Hollingsworth. 

It was shot down on the wooden dock on the 

Halifax Waterfront where all television reporters 

go when a hurricane/tropical storm comes 

barrelling in on Halifax. 

This is done for one reason only, ‘cause they 

all want to make like Peter Pan and fly high into 

the hurricane sky. Makes for good television. Or 

at least that’s what I’m told. 

Honest to god, the local television reporters/ 

producers must just, excuse a bad pun, wet 

themselves over this spot. 

The one exception is Shelley Steeves, the 

Maritime correspondent for the Oakville-based 

Weather Network. 

Shelley likes to cover hurricanes from Lower 

Water Street, just diagonally across from the 

Halifax Law Courts, where she long ago discovered 

her favourite manhole cover which 

bubbles up when the storm really gets going. 

Shelly loves that manhole cover. Especially 

when it’s boiling over like grammy’s whistling 

teakettle on the front of the ol’ coal stove. 

But back to CTV. 

And don’t shoot me, I’m only the messenger, 

but two of my friends thought Paul’s piece out 

on that favourite wooden dock wasn’t exactly 

spontaneous enough for them. 

One friend concluded, “You can always tell a 

piece by Paul...” 

Whatever that means. 


STAR STRUCK AT HAL-FM 

BY DR. JOHNNY FEVER 

CHRIS LAWRENCE, THE ANCHOR OF THE NEW HAL-FM MORNING TEAM, SAYS ON HIS 

RESUME THAT HE IS LOOKING TO “ALIGN WITH A FORWARD-THINKING TEAM CENTRIC BROAD- 

CAST COMPANY.” 

Boy, has he come to the right place. 

I don’t know about the team centric part, but I do know that Maritime 

Broadcasting System boss Robert Pace always looks forward to making 

his next million. 

A Halifax native, MBS promotions manager Diana MacDonald tells me 

that Chris is an actor, along with being a television and radio host. Diana 

says he comes to us from Ottawa, where he hosted a “five-market 

morning show” on a station called MyFM. Unfortunately, Chris himself 

was unavailable to speak to me before my deadline, as he is currently 

“swamped” with interviews. I can only imagine the demands placed upon 

the new morning man at the lowest-rated private radio station in the city. 

Making him sound a bit Hollywood, Diana advised that Chris wanted to 

get together for a “face-to-face” at some point (Perhaps over a watercress 

salad and mineral water at Spago? — ed.). 

It turns out that while Chris did indeed host a five-market morning show, 

none of those markets was Ottawa. The My Broadcasting Corporation 

operates a series of radio stations in towns along the 401, and 

starting in 2008 listeners in Renfrew (pop. 7,846), Pembrooke (pop. 

13,930), Exeter (pop. 4500), Arnprior (7,158) and Brighton (pop. 

10,253), woke up to Chris. According to a former colleague, Chris left the 

company’s employ earlier this year after a stint of leave, which employees 

understood to be for some sort of medical or stress issue. Chris’s exworkmate 

describes him as a “prep genius,” meaning he did plenty of preshow 

research and preparation, and never opened up the mic without 

having something intelligent to say. Might be a breath of fresh air for 

around here, no? 

His resume also says he spent some time doing television reports for 

the A Channel out of Ottawa, but my chatty new friend didn’t know 

anything about that. He also apparently spent two years, between 2006 

and 2008, holding down the evening slot at BOB-FM in Ottawa. 

Although promotions gal Diana says Chris refuses to give out his age, 

his online resume says he graduated high school in Ottawa in 1989. As 

far as his acting career, his resume lists a number of credits, including the 

2004 Vin Diesel disaster Chronicles of Riddick. His Internet Movie 

Database profile is less detailed, giving him credit for a small role in a U.S. 

network TV movie, an episode of The Dead Zone in 2003, and some 

video game voiceover work. He spent a year studying acting at Vancou- 

OUT WITH THE OLD, 

AND IN WITH THE NEW 

DOZENS OF HAL-FM’S FAITHFUL LISTENERS WILL AL- 

READY KNOW THAT BROCK MCNAMARA, WHO FOR 18 

MONTHS SERVED AS THE CLASSIC ROCK STATION’S MORNING 

SHOW HOST, HAS BEEN PUSHED ASIDE TO MAKE WAY FOR 

THE AFOREMENTIONED CHRIS AND ELLA T. 

“They wanted a change and I didn’t fit into their plan,” explains 

Brock in a brief email, who admirably manages to shoehorn 

a dig about his former employer while answering a query 

about his replacement. 


Brock McNamara 

“I have no idea who Chris Lawrence is, but he’ll realize his mistake as quickly as 

everyone else does,” he says (boo-ya! — ed.). 

Big Brock, who arrived at HAL in February of 2009 after a stint in the traffic department 

over at Z-103, says he’s biding his time before deciding on his next career move. 

RADIO 

DAZE 

Chris Lawrence 

& Ella Traversy 

ver Film School in 1994. 

His new show is being billed as The Morning Jam with Chris Lawrence 

and Ella T. His sidekick is the sublimely beautiful, almost 

Pocahontas-esque Ella Traversy, an alumnus of the NSCC Waterfront 

Campus broadcasting program and former HAL weekend host. 

It’s been said the relative newbie, 21ish, has a bright future in radio. 

Whether or not she, or Chris, has a bright future at HAL-FM remains to 

be seen. 

Stay tuned. 



PACE’S 2IC DEPARTS 

THERE’S EVEN MORE UPHEAVAL TO REPORT FROM IN- 

SIDE ROBERT PACE’S SACKVILLE STREET INNER SANC- 

TUM. 

Todd Coombs, who for some three years served as 

the Maritime Broadcasting System mogul’s right-hand 

man, has left the building. My sources agree that his 

departure was voluntary, and the Kidston Estates resident 

simply left in favour of a higher-paying, lower-stress 

position with the Worker’s Compensation Board. 

Although I was able to confirm that the Toddster has 

indeed ensconced himself at the WCB’s South Street 

headquarters, a message I left for him was unreturned 

before I went to press. 

Todd’s official title with MBS was “special projects 

manager”; at least one of his special projects included 

canning the talented and fragrant Katey Day (Frank 590, 

591).

THE DUDESTER 

IS A DADSTER 

I’M OVERJOYED TO ANNOUNCE THAT RUTHANN 

RICHARDSON, THE 30-YEAR-OLD GALPAL OF 

UBERCOOL RADIO HIPSTER RON YOUNG, GAVE 

BIRTH TO PEYTON RAYNE YOUNG, A SEVEN 

POUND, ONE OUNCE BABY GIRL AT 9:13 P.M. 

ON SEPTEMBER 4, THE DAY HURRICANE EARL 

GAVE N.S. POWER ANOTHER EXCUSE TO LEAVE 

THOUSANDS OF NOVA SCOTIANS IN THE DARK 

FOR DAYS ON END. 

Ruthann, who is on maternity leave from her 

gig as an account executive for a non-profit in 

Toronto, anounced the birth on her “Becoming 

a Mom” blog (groan — ed.) the following day. 

Ron’s girlfriend of about 16 months, Ruthann 

moved to Halifax to be with her surfer-dude 

guy in July, days after he scored a gig as the 

afternoon drive guy on 89.9 HAL FM, the lowest-rated 

private radio station in the city. If you 

recall, Maritime Broadcasting System hired 

40ish Ronnie, who also does voiceover work 

for Sirius Satellite Radio, seconds after “laying 

off” talented and fragrant midday host Katey 

Day on July 7 (Frank 590, 591). 

Meantime, Katey is back on her feet again, as 

THE NEWLY MINTED CHRIS LAWRENCE AND 

ELLA T. SHOW ON HAL-FM COULD JUST AS 

EASILY HAVE BEEN THE BOBBY MAC AND ELLA 

T. SHOW, HAD NEWCAP NOT COME ACROSS 

WITH MORE MONEY FOR THE Q104 MIC JOCKEY, 

SAYS A SOURCE. 

I’m advised that Maritime Broadcasting 

System made some serious overtures toward 

Bobby earlier this summer, which he in turn 

leveraged into a pay raise, bringing the 44-yearold 

dullard’s gross annual salary up to nearly 

$80,000. 

I hereby christen Bobby Mac the luckiest man 

if she was ever really off them in the first place. 

One month after the “lay off,” Rogers hired 

the Saint John native to host afternoon drive 

BIG BUCKS FOR BOBBY MAC? 

in the world. 

Q104 program director J.C. Douglas will neither 

confirm or deny the rumour. 

“This market is full of rumours about talent 

these days,” says J.C., obviously in a bit of a 

cryptic mood. 

“You never know which ones are true.” 

The Q104 morning show third banana’s current 

gig involves providing a laugh track for 

whichever B.J. happens to be sitting next to 

him in the morning — B.J. Wilson is sitting in for 

B.J. Burke while he battles non-Hodgkins lymphoma 

— and dumbing down the public 

airwaves in general. 

Frank News Tips Hotline 

Ruthann, Ron, and Peyton, and a nurse. 

1-888-335-5505 

www.atlanticfrank.ca 

Who’s that 

dude? 

on Lite Rock 92.9. Katey’s girlfriend, singer 

Theresa Malenfant, informed the world of the 

development via Facebook last month. 

Is this man 

worth $80,000? 


DOWN EAST HOSPITALITY, 

AULD’S COVE STYLE 

BY KURT ESSEY 

PEOPLE ARE OF TWO MINDS WHEN IT COMES TO AULD’S COVE SHOPKEEPER JOHN PETTIPAS: 

THEY THINK HE’S EITHER A LUNATIC, OR HIS BOMBASTICALLY UNBALANCED SHTICK IS A WELL- 

HONED GIMMICK ENGINEERED TO SEPARATE CUSTOMERS FROM THEIR MONEY. OFFERING NOVELTY 

LOBSTER PLACE MATS TO TOURISTS IN A NORMAL TONE OF VOICE JUST ISN’T THE SAME AS SHOUT- 

ING AND WAVING THEM WILDLY ABOVE YOUR 

HEAD. 

Whether his persona is fact or fiction, nobody 

I know has ever seen the gregarious proprietor 

of Pettipas Market and Auld’s Cove 

Lobster Suppers, located just steps away 

from the Canso Causeway, out of character. 

For those who haven’t had the pleasure, his 

tone and cadence bears more than a passing 

resemblance to Bill the Butcher, the charismatic 

crime boss from Gangs of New York 

portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis at his scenery-chewing 

best. Come to think of it, the wildeyed 

souvenir peddler also reminds me of another 

recent Day-Lewis role, namely his Oscar-winning 

turn as Daniel Plainview from 

There Will Be Blood. Next time you see 

Pettipas, ask him to shout “I Drink Your 

Milkshake!” at the top of his lungs. 

Like anyone with such a strong presence, 

Pettipas is not universally loved. Don’t get me 

wrong; his in-your-face charm has earned him 

plenty of admirers far and wide. A few years 

back a trio of vacationers from New England 

were so struck by the man they created a 

Facebook group, Pals of John Pettipas. At 

press time there were 338 members. But I can 

tell you the name of one man who I guarantee 

will never join, come hell or high water. 

Calgary resident Jon Kommes has written 

a letter of complaint to the N.S. Tourism Dept. 

and the Terry Fox Foundation about Pettipas, 

alleging that he was thrown out of the store 

during a brief visit last month after politely refusing 

to make a donation to the charity. Pettipas 

is the self-declared largest contributor to the 

cause in Nova Scotia, and famously solicits 

everyone who comes through his doors. 

“(Pettipas) ... came up to me with some paper 

and pen telling me I had to contribute to the Terry 

Fox Run,” writes Kommes in his August 3 missive. 

Kommes claims Pettipas became enraged 

when he explained that he already donates 

through relatives who live in Port Hood. 

“That is when (Pettipas) said, ‘All you 

Albertans are so cheap, nothing but tight asses 

and drug addicts who work three months a year 

and scratch your arse for the other nine.’ This 

was followed with, ‘Get out of my store’ and 

‘Don’t ever come back’.” 

As if their alleged ouster wasn’t enough, 

Kommes also says that when he and his wife 

refused an offer of a styrofoam cup of orange 

juice upon their arrival, Pettipas declared that 


it’s just as well they didn’t take any because he 

had “pissed” in it. 

Kommes estimates their entire visit took three 

minutes. 

Declaring that Pettipas is not representative 

of the majority of Nova Scotians they had met 

on their travels, Kommes writes that Pettipas is 

a “definite liability” to the tourist trade of the 

province. Pettipas himself, reached by telephone, 

says he hasn’t the foggiest what I’m 

on about. 

Claiming that he’s right in the middle of something, 

possibly shouting about a post office box, 

he bade me farewell and hung up in my ear 

before I could ask him about Komme’s allegations. 

So I called him back. 

“Is this a joke?” he asked, when I finally managed 

to explain to him about the contents of the 

letter, adding, “I don’t know nuttin’ about it,” before 

launching into a diatribe involving N.S. Finance 

Minister Graham Steele’s brotherin-law 

Srini Pillay, a gambling addict legal disgrace 

sent to jail last year for bilking his clients. 

When I assure Pettipas that Komme is not 

accusing Srini Pillay of cursing at him and throwing 

him out of a store in Auld’s Cove, Pettipas 

switches gears and asks me to come in so I can 

make a donation to the Terry Fox Foundation. I 

kid you not. 

“Whatever-you-can-afford-is-much- 

John 

Pettipas 

appreCIATED!” he sputters. 

I take an opportunity to ask him how much he 

gives to the foundation on an annual basis as a 

result of his daily efforts. 

“I’m asking YOU to donate. I’M the solicitor. 

Anything you want to give!” he declares. I give 

up. 

Tourism Dept. spokesthingy Sherrie Hoddes 

confirms that the department did receive a letter 

of complaint about Pettipas. Although she 

says she can’t talk about particular cases, she 

tells me that protocol dictates that the shopkeeper 

would be contacted and asked to respond. 

However, Sherrie admits that since 

Pettipas has no affiliation with the provincial 

government, he could just as easily ignore their 

request and face no recourse. 

Terry Fox Foundation provincial director 

Barbara Fickes tells me she’s aware of the 

letter, but passed me along to national 

mouthpuppet Fred Fox, Terry’s older brother, 

for comment. 

Reached on his cellphone in Yellowknife, 

Fred tells me that due to scheduling constraints 

he wouldn’t be able to gather the information 

necessary to provide a comment before my 

deadline, although he promised to follow up with 

me at a later date. 


atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca

A FRIEND IN NEED OF AN ENDOSCOPY 

IS A FRIEND INDEED 

BY BEN DOVER 

UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF ODDBALL 

FETISH, WAITING AROUND ALL MORNING FOR A 

STRANGER TO SHOVE A CAMERA DOWN YOUR 

THROAT OR UP YOUR ARSE ISN’T YOUR IDEA 

OF A GOOD TIME. 

It’s a good way to ruin your day, is what it is. 

But, Capital District Health Authority 

mouthpuppet John Gillis is now confirming that 

FLORIFAMOUS NEVILLE 

FIRED ME, CANCER 

PATIENT CLAIMS 

BY ROSE PETALS 

DOREEN SEMADENI, THE FORMER MANAGER OF MY MOTHER’S 

BLOOMERS, SAYS SHE’S SHE FILED A COMPLAINT WITH THE N.S. HUMAN 

RIGHTS COMMISSION AGAINST FLOWER SHOP OWNER NEVILLE MACKAY, 

ALLEGING THE CELEBRITY FLORIST FIRED HER ONE WEEK AFTER SHE 

RETURNED TO WORK FROM BREAST CANCER TREATMENT. 

Doreen tells me Neville dismissed her on August 5, after three years of 

employment. She was not on salary. 

Originally hired as a floral designer, Doreen was promoted to manager 

some two years ago, following Vance Carroll’s departure. 

Doreen claims she received no earlier warnings, or any indications 

from her fastidious and flamboyant petal pushing boss that he was dissatisfied 

with her work. 

“I was in charge of the store, obviously, when he was away. And he 

was away a lot.” 

Doreen says she returned to the Spring Garden Place flower boutique 

on July 27 after three weeks of unpaid recuperation, following her 

initial surgery. 

“I still wanted to work. I really liked my job, and I do need to make a living. 

Now I have nothing,” the 61-year old tells me. 

Married to former Delta Barrington hotel manager Peter Semadeni, 

Doreen says she cashed in her holiday pay to cover her extended absence 

from work. 

Diagnosed in June, the Scottish native tells me she informed Neville 

she planned to work around her treatments. 

“I worked right up until my surgery,” she quietly notes. 

Shelburne native Neville was “very shocked” by her diagnosis, she 

adds. 

Known for his tireless charitable work, and regularly featured on C- 

100, Breakfast Television, and between the sheets of the wedding 

publication Duly Noted, Neville is a prominent local fundraiser for the 

Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. 

Each November he hosts the star-studded “An Evening with Neville and 

Friends,” to raise awareness and thousands of dollars for breast cancer 

research. He has a well-deserved reputation for his many philanthropic 

endeavours. 

According to Doreen, Neville told her to “take all the time I needed, and to 

take care of myself,” and sent her flowers at home while she recuperated. 

Neville’s mother sent her a card as well. 

The indefatigable Neville was in Mississippi at a trade show, but gave 

not only will a visit to the Endoscopy Clinic at 

the VG ruin your day, but somebody else’s as 

well. 

John advises that starting earlier this month, 

the CDHA introduced a new policy dictating that 

those undergoing endoscopy procedures will 

be required to have a friend or family member 

wait with them. If a patient arrives without a 

minder, I understand that the procedure will 

automatically be rescheduled for another day. 

HEALTH 

& 

BEAUTY 

John says that nurses found they were collectively 

spending up to six hours per day trying 

to track down rides home for patients. 

“It’s certainly a resource issue,” he tells me. 

A similar policy, says John, has been enforced 

in other departments, like oral and opthamology, 

for years. 

Neville 

MacKay 

word via his new shop manager that he had received my detailed email, 

and promised to contact me before deadline. But at presstime I had not 

heard Neville’s side of the story. 

In late August, Doreen underwent radiation therapy, a development 

she describes to me as “unexpected.” 

In a recent case before the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario, a 

property management company in Toronto was ordered to pay $20,000 

to an employee, a single mom with breast cancer, who was fired after 

she revealed her diagnosis. 




CHATTER 

BY BUBBLES 

FRANKLANDER 

HOLD THAT TRAIN!: The 

evening had a very distinct 

Caribbean flavour to it. 


DOCTOR, DOCTOR ... 

HERE IS THE NEWS... 

THOSE WHO KNOW HIM BEST KNOW HIM FOR THREE 

DISTINCT PHRASES: “HOW THE HELL ARE YA?”; “ANOTHER 

GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE!” AND “I DON’T SHIT ICE CREAM!” 

He is father of five, Halifax family physician Dr. Jalal 

Hosein, a 1973 grad of Dal Med School who turned 

three score and 10 on September 9. 

However, the good doctor’s kids got a jump on things 

when on the night of Saturday, August 28, at the Dal 

Faculty Club they honoured their father in the company 

of about 150 guests. 

Surprisingly few guests were from the medical world. 

Most were ordinary people, friends and patients whom 

Dr. Hosein has come to care about during his 37 years in 

practice. 

As was once said: “The good physician treats the 

disease; the great physician treats the patient who has 

the disease.” 

These were the ordinary, everyday people. 

The extraordinary people included: Dr. Ernie B. 

Johnson, Dr. Hosein’s medical partner; Judge 

Castor Williams of the provincial bench; businessman 

“Big” Bob Stapells; and John & 

Mavis Buchanan. 

The emcee for the evening was Cape Breton 

native Morrissey Dunn, morning man at Big 

Dog FM in Truro. 

The official photographer for the piss-up, er, 

um, gala evening was recent heart attack victim, 

longtime Henry House bartender and Carsand 

Mosher photo expert Mel Chisholm. 

A slideshow presentation played throughout the 

evening, the finger food was to die for, and Mavis 

Buchanan graciously shared her foot-long cigarettes 

in the Dal parking lot. 

A good time was had by all. 

On the Sunday Mornin’ Coming Down more than 

one individual had to heal thy self. 

THE GANG’S ALL HERE: From left, daughters Stephanie & Alex, Dr. Hosein & wife Martha, daughter Shereene, sons Ali & Riza.

DANCING WITH 

THE STAR: 

Dr. Hosein with 

the mysterious 

Dorothy, a 

medical 

receptionist 

at the Halifax 

Professional 

Centre. 

A ROSE BETWEEN TWO THORNS: 

Surely not. It’s Dr. Hosein 

between a pair of Baywatch 

babes. The babe on the 

right is Halifax architect 

Geoff Keddy’s 

main squeeze. 

THREE’S COMPANY: 

Dr. Hosein with my 

longtime girlfriend 

Mavis Buchanan and 

her husband the 

Hon. John M. 

Buchanan. 

GETTIN’ IT ON: Dr. 

Hosein gets it on with 

Queasy, Too X-ray tech 

Donna Atkinson. 


THE LAST SHELBURNE CO. PICTURE SHOW 

BY KURT ENNS 

FILM PRODUCERS ARE MASTERS OF THE 

PITCH. THEY PITCH YOU THEIR IDEA, AND 

MAKE IT SOUND SO COMPELLING AND REAL, 

YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM THE SHIRT OFF 

YOUR BACK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

That’s exactly what Jimmy Kendrick and 

Mary Barstow of Seacoast Entertainment 

did to the residents of Shelburne County. 

The future looked rosier than Technicolour 

back in May 2008, when the pair snapped up 

the dormant Shelburne Park film studio, thanks 

to a sweetheart deal from Frank “King of Economic 

Development” Anderson. 

In hype reminiscent of Headz Gamez 

blowhard Kerry Martens in Parrsboro, Jimmy 

and Mary pitched their vision of success to anyone 

who would listen, and talked up their plans 

in the Chronically Horrid, vowing to invest 

millions in the film studio and start-up businesses, 

creating hundreds of jobs. 

For all of his well-publicized faults, Frank 

Anderson, of the now-defunct South West 

Shore Development Authority (SWSDA), 

succeeded in creating ideal conditions for Seacoast 

to thrive, when he kicked in a $1.75-million 

mortgage and a two-year mortgage-free 

honeymoon. 

Fast forward to July 2010. From their home 

base in Winchester, New Hampshire, Seacoast 

directors Jimmy and Mary indicate in documents 

filed with the Office Of The Superintendent 

Of Bankruptcy, that the enterprise is 

insolvent and carrying a $2 million debt load. 

With the assistance of Halifax bankruptcy 

trustee Peter Wedlake, Seacoast has made it 

known it intends to file a proposal to creditors, 

a financial pitch if you will, that would keep the 

company out of bankruptcy. Seacoast has until 

October 12 to hammer out this particular pitch. 

And the truth of the matter is that it may be a 

hard sell. Seacoast now owes SWSDA 

$1,915,998, representing the unpaid, Andersonbrokered 

mortgage and the accrued interest 

thereon. 

Then there are the unsecured creditors: Aliant 

($8,000); Irving Oil ($2,000); Nova Scotia 

JIMMY A NO-SHOW 

A WARRANT HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE ARREST OF SEACOAST EN- 

TERTAINMENT CZAR JIMMY KENDRICK, WHO FOR A BRIEF, SHINING MO- 

MENT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO BE SHELBURNE COUNTY’S AN- 

SWER TO CECIL B. DEMILLE. 

It may sound like movie-of-the-week fodder, but the 59-year-old film 

studio mogul is a fugitive from the law, after he failed to appear on 

August 26 at Barrington Provincial Court on two impaired driving 


Power ($19,000) and Scotia Survey ($1,800). 

The Municipality of Shelburne is owed 

$117,000 for unpaid property taxes, and has 

had to resort to placing liens on Seacoast’s property, 

which is now under a foreclosure notice. 

Bankruptcy Office proceedings automatically 

delay a sheriff’s sale by 30 days, but because 

Seacoast has been given additional time to appease 

its creditors, a foreclosure sale probably 

couldn’t take place until Christmas at the 

earliest. 

The municipality’s debt is expected to grow 

by $30,000 to $40,000, once the next round of 

tax bills is issued. 

Meanwhile locals are left shaking their collective 

heads at the fact that Seacoast, a com- 

Mary Barstow & Jimmy Kendrick 

pany that enjoyed minimal overhead for two 

years, could find itself in low water so soon. 

Then again, after 27 months, Jimmy and Mary, 

those wizards of self-promotion, only managed 

to lure two productions to Shelburne, Moby 

Dick and a low-budget vampire flick from Halifax. 

The millions in investments never appeared. 

Neither did the hundreds of promised jobs. 

Sure, Jimmy and Mary screened a few free 

flicks on the outside of a building, threw up a 

mini-golf course, and printed a few editions of 

Good Times, a free, intellect-challenged newspaper, 

but good luck taking that to the bank! 



related charges (Frank 586, 590). 

Yankee Doodle Jimmy, believed to be in his native New Hampshire, 

was represented in his long-running legal sideshow (11 docket 

appearances in one year!) by Raymond Jacquard of Nickerson Jacquard 

in Yarmouth, who did not return my detailed message. 

BTW, Raymond also acts as legal counsel for the Municipality of 

Yarmouth, a funding partner of the defunct South West Shore Development 

Authority, which is owed over $1.9 million by Seacoast Entertainment, 

its largest single creditor. 

I’m no Roger Ebert, but the Jimmy Kendrick Story looks to be in 

equal parts tragedy and farce.

WHAT HAPPENED TO SWSDA’S MONEY? 

BY M.T. TILL 

A GROWING NUMBER OF SHELBURNE 

COUNTY POLITICAL WATCHERS ARE CRITICAL OF 

STERLING BELLIVEAU’S HANDLING OF THE 

SWSDA SHITSTORM. 

“Sterling’s in cabinet, he should be all over 

this file,” says one official, who thinks the Fisheries 

Minister, like the rest of Darrell Dexter’s 

government, has essentially washed his 

hands of the South West Shore Development 

Authority. 

“Where is the missing money?” the official 

asks. 

“Vendors did work for projects that were fully 

funded (by federal or provincial grants), and 

they did not get paid. Where did the money go?” 

No doubt there is a complex answer to this 

simple question, but no N-Dipper, or Opposition 

member for that matter, seems publicly interested 

in pursuing it. 

The latest best estimate, I’m told, is about $1 

million missing (Frank 588). 

“Why hasn’t the RCMP been called in?” my 

frustrated source asks. 

“Why is no one looking at issues related to 

fraud?” 

A SWSDA source tells me the board is trying 

to determine how to cover the shortfall, “but 

there are no discussions on where the missing 

money went.” 

SWSDA’s spectacular collapse has exposed 

BY STEVE A. DOOR 

FURTHER TO MY FRANK 592 DISPATCH ON 

TREVOR JOHNSON’S REAPPOINTMENT TO THE 

HACK-LADEN HALIFAX PORT AUTHORITY 

BOARD, I’M TOLD ANOTHER DIRECTOR IS 

CONFIDENT HE’LL BE THROWN A LIFELINE. 

Samusung account manager David 

Henderson, whose term is due to expire on 

Oct. 15, “seems cocky” he’ll be asked to carry 

on his important port duties, as one waterfront 

watcher puts in. 

A Tory, Henderson was a federal Harper 

appointee in October 2007. Last year he earned 

$17,000 in directors fee plus $10,000 remuneration. 

FRANK WANTS MORE MONEY 

WHAT’S THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT FRANK 

ANDERSON DEMANDING SEVERANCE FROM 

HIS FORMER EMPLOYER, THE SOUTH WEST 

SHORE DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITY? 

One SWSDA source tells me Frank is asking 

the defunct RDA, which he headed since 

its inception in 1996, for a severance payout 

equal to four years of his salary. 

I’m afraid Frank’s SWSDA salary is still a 

classified state secret, as no one seems 

able to tell me what the longtime public serv- 

the divisions between Shelburne County and 

Yarmouth County, with a Shelburne official 

privately complaining about being out of the loop. 

He points out that the four in charge of Mission 

Impossible — winding down SWSDA’s 

affairs — are all Yarmouth-area officials: Alain 

Muise (Muncipality of Argyle cao), Phil 

LeBlanc (IMO Foods prez), Trudy LeBlanc 

(Municipality of Yarmouth Deputy cao) and 

Jeff Gushue (Town of Yarmouth cao). Of 

course, SWSDA’s HQ was in Yarmouth, so it 

makes sense to use locals who are close to all 

the paperwork. 

Alain referred all my SWSDA queries to its 

DIRECTOR DAVE, TONNAGE SPINNAGE 

& SYDNEY’S BELLEDUNE-ENVY 

� � � 

While HPA czarina Karen Oldfield and co. 

pat themselves on the back over a 28.4% increase 

in container traffic for the second quar- 

ter of 2010 over the same period last year, HPA 

critics are not as impressed. 

Consider: 

(1) Last year saw a global depression, and 

one of the worst shipping years on record. A 30 

per cent increase represents a return to 2008 

levels, and 2008 was a decline from earlier 

years. (2) 2010 is seeing a phenomenal global 

shipping boom. Worldwide tonnage is up, and 

Halifax is not the only North American port to 

have double-digit increases. 

(3) About 20,000 tonnes of Halifax’s total 2010 

figures were diverted from the Port Of Montreal 

strike, a one-time occurrence. 

Sorry to piss on Karen’s parade. Especially 

during American Association of Port Authorities 

week! 

� � � 

Some port watchers believe a rivalry is emerging 

between the Port Of Sydney and the Port 

ant was making. 

I am told “Teflon” Frank, recently ousted 

as Yarmouth Area Industrial Commission 

cao and as a director for Trade Centre 

Limited, has landed a contract position 

with Yarmouth’s premier corporate welfare 

recipient, Register.com. 

As reported elsewhere, feisty Frank has 

engaged Presse Mason pitbull Barry Mason, 

and is intending to sue the province and 

Economic Development Minister Percy 

Paris for defamation. 

former chairman Phil LeBlanc, who did not return 

my message. 

Shelburne always nursed the grievance that 

Yarmouth was benefiting more from SWSDA 

than it was, but I’ve heard complaints the other 

way, too, suggesting that Shelburne’s headaches, 

notably the Boys’ School and the 

Shelburne Park film studio, dragged everyone 

else down. 

In the bigger picture, the situation does not 

bode well for the new South West Shore RDA 

that is meant to take SWSDA’s place. 



ON THE 

WATERFRONT 

of Belledune, in northern New Brunswick 

(Frank 591). Quite simply, Sydney is developing 

a case of Belledune-envy. 

While Jim Wooder and co. wait with bated 

breath for the feds to announce its $15 million 

contribution to dredging Sydney Harbour, 

Belledune’s $61 million transformation into a 

key regional shipping centre is well underway, 

thanks to a $26 million federal stimulus contribution. 

While Belledune receives imported coal from 

Columbia, poor Sydney can’t even get a commitment 

from Xstrada to use its port for the 

revived Donkin mine. Instead, Xstrada has 

stated it plans to forego Sydney and construct 

a special wharf closer to its mine. 

Sydney may be developing into the Rodney 

Dangerfield of ports. No respect... 




COP’S KID 

KICKED 

A COP 

BY M. BARASSING 

THE 21-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER OF COLCHES- 

TER DISTRICT RCMP SERGEANT AL 

AFFLECK HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF AS- 

SAULTING A NEW GLASGOW COP AND RESIST- 

ING ARREST IN CONNECTION WITH AN INCIDENT 

AT LAST YEAR’S RIVERFRONT JUBILEE, AN IN- 

CIDENT APPARENTLY FUELLED BY HER CON- 

TEMPT FOR LOCAL TOWN POLICE. 

According to a court decision released last 

month, Amy Affleck, a licensed practical nurse 

at the Aberdeen Hospital, was hanging 

around outside Acropole Pizza in the early 

morning hours of August 2, 2009 when officers 

from the N.G. Police Department arrived 

on the scene to investigate a broken railing outside 

Cafe Italia next door. When the officers 

told her to move along, she refused. As dozens 

of drunken revellers gathered on Provost 

Street, the incident escalated into a shouting 

match culminating in her arrest. The reason why 

she ignored the officer’s demands? 

“In court, she said she refused to move because 

she has no respect for the N.G. Police 

Department and that the officers were abusing 

their authority,” reads a line from the 22-page 

decision, penned by Judge Theodore Tax. 

As she struggled with the officers, Amy, who 

testified to drinking about seven and a half bottles 

of beer that night, unleashed a few errant 

“mule kicks,” one of which connected with 

Const. Jay Keating. 

Incidentally, her 18-year-old brother Matthew 

took the stand for the defence during the twoday 

trial in N.G. Provincial Court last spring, 

testifying that he had quaffed six beers, three 

shots of rum and smoked pot on the night in 

question. 

Dear old dad ended up coming to her rescue, 

calling N.G. Police HQ soon after the incident, 

advising that one of his constables would be 

along to retrieve her. RCMP Const. Adlam 

turned up at 4 a.m. to chauffeur the tearful girl 

home. 

She’ll be sentenced at a later date. 


THE SHOOTER WHO THINKS 

HE’S A ‘GENTLEMAN’ 

BY HUGH BRISS 

IN SENTENCING MYKEL SMITH TO 14 YEARS 

FOR THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF MIKE 

PATRIQUEN JR., PROVINCIAL COURT JUDGE 

JAMIE CAMPBELL DREW ON PSYCHIATRIC RE- 

PORTS FROM EXPERTS WHO PAINT A TROUBLING 

PORTRAIT OF THE 19-YEAR-OLD SHOOTER. 

North Preston native Smith was 17.5 years 

old — six months from being treated as an adult 

in the eyes of the law — when he shot Patriquen 

in the chest at close range on Remembrance 

Day 2008, after a mutual acquaintance, Sergio 

Bowers, asked Smith to visit Patriquen “and 

bring a gun.” 

Separate assessments were prepared by 

psychologists Dr. Debra Jellicoe and Dr. 

Peyton Harris, clinical social worker Jodi 

Butler, who deemed Smith “criminally sophisticated,” 

and psychiatrist Dr. Aileen Brunet, who 

described the trigger-happy hooligan as showing 

“a grandiose sense of self-importance, (he) 

believes he is special and lacks empathy.” 

While Brunet alarmingly noted that his “personality 

make-up was such that it makes for 

good mercenaries,” Campbell described the vicious 

thug as “a young man who is totally selfabsorbed 

and however generously wisdom is 

defined, he has very little of it.” 

“His career aspirations include being a rapper 

or a model,” the judge elaborated. “At 19, 

he has not focused seriously on any more mundane 

undertakings in the event that the fame 

and riches that so justly flow from talent and 

good looks, do not come his way.” 

Campbell continued: “Mykel Smith sees himself, 

to use his word, as a ‘gentleman.’ He isn’t 

capable of getting the disconnect. He doesn’t 

see the irony. He believes his own spin. He 

seems to believe that according to the anti-social 

code that he has adopted, that he is indeed 

‘a gentleman’.” 

Campbell concluded, “He can commit serious 

offences without needing to be emotionally 

aroused. Once the offences are committed he 

can pretty much put them out of mind and not 

be troubled by them.” 

In his August 24 sentencing decision, 

Campbell related that Smith had 14 previous 

convictions that “have not been minor run-ins 

with the law.” 


420-1668; 423-0281 (fax) 


CRIME & 

PUNISHMENT 

Judge Campbell remarked that Smith, who is 

the father of an 18-month-old son with a 17year-old, 

is considered a “model prisoner” at 

Waterville, and got positive marks from a 

facilitator for participating in voluntary programs, 

which include “making efforts to study 

Islam.” 

On April 30, Sergio Bowers was sentenced 

to eight years for aggravated assault, misleading 

police, and for trafficking in ecstasy and 

cocaine, all charges which arose from his role 

in the Patriquen shooting. 

At his sentencing, Chief Justice Joe Kennedy 

— he called Bowers “the author of this tragedy” 

— delivered a stern lecture to the 21-year 

old: “You decide whether your life is worth more 

than this because so far you’ve been a disgrace. 

You’re a disgrace. You’re an embarrassment. 

Get a grip, young man.” 

According to court records, Bowers grew 

pissed off after his then-buddy, Patriquen, 

accidently damaged his new Blackberry. It was 

shortly afterwards, Bowers suggested Smith 

arrive with his gun. 

Join our 

Facebook Group 

www.facebook.com 

keywords: Atlantic 

Canada Frank

Michael 

Patriquen 

BY MARY JAYNE 

WHILE THE FATE OF THEIR SON’S SHOOTER 

HAS EFFECTIVELY BEEN SEALED, THE FINAL 

CHAPTER OF FORMER WEED ACTIVISTS MIKE 

PATRIQUEN SR. AND MELANIE STEPHEN’S 

DIVORCE SAGA HAS YET TO BE WRITTEN. 

Divorce proceedings between Michael and 

Melanie, former (Bad pun alert! — ed.) high profile 

activists for the Cheech & Chong set, are 

now entering Year Five, meaning their acrimonious 

divorce has outlasted most modern marriages. 

(See Frank 494 for the initial report on 

their martial meltdown.) 

Their latest legal spliff, I mean rift, centres on 

the court-ordered sale of their former matrimonial 

abode in Sackville, a ruling opposed by 

one-time N.S. Marijuana Party leader Michael.* 

In July, Supreme Court Family Division 

Judge James Williams ordered the Orchard 

Drive property, where Michael lives with his 

wheelchair-bound son Mike Jr. and runs a 25 

plant grow op for medical marijuana, listed for 

sale at $257,200. 

Michael is dead-set against the sale, arguing 

that it would leave him and his children — the 

divorced pair also have a 17-year daughter, 

who the court has ruled is no longer a dependent 

of her parents — “out on the street, destitute.” 

Needless to say, Melanie, married to Michael 

for 23 years, isn’t buying the argument. Michael 

is “playing the system and is simply attempting 

to throw yet another wrench into what has been 

an exhaustive (legal) process,” court papers 

say. 

Melanie, who deems his latest legal manoeuvres 

“frivolous” believes that Michael opposes 

the sale because “he fears his portion of the 

proceeds will be forfeited to pay his fines.” 

Besides an outstanding Revenue Canada 

debt under $175,000, Michael currently owes 

$250,000 in fines from past convictions under 

the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act. 

The one-time celebrity cannabis couple also 

appear to be swimming in smaller pools of credit 

card debt, mortgage debt and property tax debt, 

making the house sale a matter of no small importance 

to Melanie. 

On July 29, Appeals Court Chief Justice 

Michael MacDonald dismissed Michael’s at- 

Melanie 

Stephen 

POT PAIR’S MELTDOWN GETS UGLIER 

tempt to postpone the listing until November 

16, when the court was scheduled to hear his 

formal appeal. 

But it appears the Patriquens have finally tried 

the court’s patience. On August 3, Judge 

Williams reviewed his and Judge MacDonald’s 

earlier decisions, and concluded “neither party 

was in a finanical position to buy out the other 

party.” 

Declaring that the “matrimonial property issue 

... has a tortuous background,” Judge Williams 

ordered the house be sold, acknowledging that 

to maintain status quo was a “scenario (that) is 

in a word intolerable for everybody.” 

He ordered Michael list the house at $257,200 

with a realtor of his choice, and in an unusual 

but not unprecedented move, added a clause 

stating that the property can be sold at public 

auction, at a date to be determined by the Sheriff 

after October 1. 

* Under Michael’s leadership (though incarcerated 

at the time, Michael nonetheless ran in 

both Halifax Citadel and Sackville Cobequid), 

the Marijuana Party won 1,608 votes in the 2003 

provincial election. 




DEAD MEN CAN BE SUED 

I SEE WHERE A NEARLY $50,000 CLAIM HAS 

BEEN FILED AGAINST THE ESTATE OF GLENN 

ALAN MACARTHUR. 

On September 2, Tracy Sherren filed her 

notice of claim, for an outstanding debt worth 

$48,470.54 against MacArthur, the commercial 

leasing agent who masterminded a multi-million 

dollar ponzi scheme before his mysterious death 

on May 18 at the Quality Inn Airport Hotel in 

Halifax (see Franks 588-591). 

As previously reported, exactly one month 

before MacArthur was found dead, Tracey 

sued him in Supreme Court for nearly $87,000 

over an unpaid loan she made to MacArthur in 

January 2009. 

Tracy dropped her lawsuit four days later, 

and probate records indicate that on April 30 

MacArthur paid her $45,000 towards the balance. 

In documents penned by her Stewart 

McKelvey lawyer, Chris Madill, Tracy is claiming 

the remaining amount of the earlier loan. 

Weldon McInnes solicitor Jean Beeler, a 

former chair of the N.S. Police Commission, 

is the solicitor for the Glenn MacArthur estate. 

Pending final inventory, the estate is worth 

$5,000. 

Stay tuned. 

� � � 

Drunk driver back 

on probation — job 

NINE MONTHS AFTER PICTOU COUNTY YOUTH 

PROBATION OFFICER FRANCIS HUGH 

MACARTHUR, 50, WAS FIRED FROM HIS 

$62,000 PER YEAR POST AFTER RUNNING 

AFOUL OF DRINKING AND DRIVING LAWS FOR 

THE FOURTH TIME IN 21 YEARS (FRANK 575), 

FRANK (NO RELATION) IS BACK ON THE JOB. 

Late last year, Frank blamed my coverage of 

his most recent brush with the law, a 

breathalyser charge which resulted in a curative 

discharge, for his ouster. But, likely with 

the help of the Nova Scotia Government 

Employees Union, Frankie isn’t down for the 

count. He’s just gone to the Dark Side. 

A phone call to the Dartmouth Probation 

Office confirms that Frank is once again serving 

the public, this time as an adult probation 

officer. I left a message for him, but he didn’t 

call me back. 

Incidentally, Frank’s $108,200-assessed Nelson 

Street, New Glasgow abode is being 

flogged by Coldwell Banker M.B. Green 

Realty for the bargain price of $119,000. I guess 

he plans to stay in Dartmouth for awhile. 

� � � 


No break for 

Ex-Mountie Brad 

RETIRED PORT HAWKESBURY RCMP 

MOUTHPIECE BRAD PARKS WILL HAVE TO DEAL 

WITH HIS CHARGE OF THEFT UNDER $5,000 

IN OPEN COURT, AS PUBLIC PROSECUTIONS 

SPOKESTHINGY CHRIS HANSEN SAYS A PREVI- 

OUS CONVICTION MAKES HIM INELIGIBLE FOR 

ADULT DIVERSION. 

Brad, who was charged after an alleged shoplifting 

incident last spring at the Port 

Hawkesbury Superstore, just down the 

street from his Tamarac Drive abode, was convicted 

on a breathalyser charge in January of 

2009 (Frank 587, 588). 

Directing me toward the N.S. Crown Attorney 

Policy Manual online, Chris points out that 

the rules expressly forbid an accused going 

through Adult Diversion if he or she has a conviction 

for, among many other things, a Criminal 

Code driving offence in the previous five 

years. 

The Adult Diversion Program offers offenders 

the chance to avoid a conviction while still 

accepting responsibility for their actions and 

making reparations to their victims. 

The 57-year-old, who continues to serve as 

Port Hawkesbury’s bylaw enforcement officer, 

returns to court in Port Hood on November 

24. 

� � � 

Sex charges back 

against Baudoux 

PICTOU COUNTY NATIVE DARRELL ROBERT 

BAUDOUX IS ONCE AGAIN FACING CHARGES OF 

SEXUAL ASSAULT AND GROSS INDECENCY IN- 

VOLVING A MINOR. 

The charges were laid in connection with incidents 

that allegedly occurred between August 

of 1985 and October of 1986. I understand 

the alleged victim, a resident of 

Stellarton, is now 41. 

Back in 2007, the mother of another of 

Baudoux’s alleged victims complained to me 

about the province’s “so-called justice system” 

after her son ceased co-operating with the prosecution 

on the eve of a second trial, as he was 

apparently tired of travelling back and forth from 

Ontario for an endless string of court dates, 

which began in 2003. The prosecution had no 

choice but to withdraw the charges, which included 

indecent assault, sexual assault, buggery 

and attempted buggery. 

Baudoux’s first trial ended in a hung jury in 

2005 (Frank 518). 

A preliminary hearing on the current set of 

IN IN BRIEF BRIEF 

charges wrapped up August 31, but a trial 

date hadn’t been set before I went to press. 

In the meantime, Baudoux — who according 

to Provincial Court records has hung his hat 

in Toronto, Oakville, Burlington and 

Westville — has been ordered to stay away 

from children under the age of 18. 

Follow 

Frank 

on 

Twitter 

www.twitter.com/ 

Atlantic_Frank

KEEP THE 

TUNES 

& CHAT, 

BUT CUT 

THE COMEDY 

By Andrew Cornstalker 

THE CANDY SHOW, I THINK, HAS POTENTIAL. 

This, despite the fact that I don’t believe Candy 

Palmater — the “reformed” lawyer, civil servant, 

activist, motivational speaker, comedian — 

to be one bit funny. Intelligent, yes. Engaging, at 

times. Even warm. But not funny. 

For those who managed to avoid the minimedia 

blitz on Information Morning, the 

Chronicle Herald and elsewhere last week, 

the 41-year-old launched The Candy Show 

last Tuesday night on the Aboriginal People’s 

Television Network. The half-hour variety 

program, six episodes of which were shot at 

the Dirty O in North End Halifax last April, 

features Candy’s stand-up, interview segments 

and music. 

The main concept of the show is that, while 

the musical guest plays a song, Candy watches 

in awe from her giant pink bed, just like how 

she used to listen to albums and stare at her 

posters when she was a teenager in New 

Brunswick. When the song is over, the 

musician(s) come over and gather on her bed 

and have a chat with her. 

First, the good news. 

Candy isn’t a terrible interviewer, and she 

seems to have some measure of musical taste. 

Her first musical guest was Katey Day, who 

recent Frank readers will remember was let go 

from her radio announcing day job at HAL-FM 

a few months back (Frank 590,591). Katey, 

armed with an acoustic guitar, played a soulful 

tune and I wanted more. The subsequent interview 

segment on the bed was uneventful, much 

too short for it to have existed at all, really. But 

Candy, the provincial government’s $84,544.72 

a year Mi’kmaq Liaison Office director (whatever 

the hell that is), obviously has a passion 

for music. And that’s where, maybe, the show 

should focus its energy. 

I’m thinking something along the lines of Spectacle 

with Elvis Costello, which has been 

airing for a couple of years on CTV. On his 

show, the British tunesmith talks to, and jams 

with, his musical guests. While I don’t know that 

Candy has any musical gifts, I would almost 

certainly watch a Candy Show featuring nothing 

but music and chatter. Hell, keep the pink 

bed if you want. But leave out the stand-up. 

Candy’s biggest weakness as a comic is that 

she doesn’t seem to believe in punchlines. She 

opened the show with a ramble around internet 

lesbian dating. You can be anybody on the 

internet, y’know, so she decided to fill her profile 

with all sorts of lesbian stereotypes, in the 

hopes of, y’know, luring a lesbian. 

She put in that she enjoys hiking, and wearing 

Birkenstocks, and eating granola, and 

whatever else. Sure enough, she found herself 

a lesbian, one that, horror of horrors, wanted 

to go hiking. 

So, poor Candy had to buy some hiking gear 

and give it a try. She wasn’t very good at it. In 

fact, she embarrassed herself thoroughly, at 

one point falling flat on her arse, or her face. I 

can’t remember which. Despite this rocky start, 

they ended up getting married (to her booking 

agent and Sutton Realty gal Denise 

Tompkins) on August 20. The end. 

That, I think most comics would agree, is not 

a “bit,” but a mildly amusing anecdote you would 

relay to friends and/or acquaintances who want 

to hear a mildly amusing how-we-met story. 

Given a national television show, even one 

on APTN, I think most comics would agree they 

would try to open with a monologue that contained, 

y’know, some jokes. The comedy seg- 

Candy Palmater in her big, pink TV bed. 

ments that followed were the same, but different. 

The same in that she continued to show 

disdain for punchlines; different in that she decided 

shock value was the way to go. 

Talking about vaginal re-tightening plastic surgery 

and labia re-shaping is not funny. 

But things really went off the rails during her 

last anecdote, which had to do with how a 

nurse she didn’t like filled her full of laxatives 

and suppositories because she couldn’t poop 

after her hip replacement surgery last winter. 

The story ends with Candy, all 300 pounds of 

her, spraying diarrhea all over her bathroom at 

home and cursing the mean nurse. 

I bet you cringed reading that last line, didn’t 

you? I don’t blame you. I cringed writing it. And 

I gaped in horror at my television set when I 

first heard it. 

But, God bless ’em, everyone in the studio 

audience, which numbered about 50, managed 

to keep smiles plastered on their faces the 

whole time. I don’t know how they did it. Maybe 

they edited in cutaways from a different show. 

Anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

The Candy Show airs on APTN on Tuesday 

nights at 10 into the middle of October. Unless 

you’re in the mood to be bored and/or disgusted, 

stick to the music and interview segments. The 

mute button works for everything else. 


TOP DRAWERS IN LITTLE VATICAN BEDROOM NIGHT TABLES ABOUT TO CHANGE FOREVER... 

THAT’S ONE SMALL SEX SHOP 

FOR KRYSTAL MATTIE, 

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR ANTIGONISH... 


I’M SURE RAYMOND LEHAY, THE FORMER 

BISHOP OF THE DIOCESE OF ANTIGONISH 

WOULD BE VERY, VERY PLEASED! 

Yes, the Little Vatican now has it’s very 

own sex shop. 

Passionate Nights on Post Road opened 

in August. I’m sure it’s a dream come true for 

very many sexually repressed Antigonishers, 

some of whom no longer will have to take that 

long, after-dark, half-hour drive down the 

TransCanada to New Glasgow. 

No, siree, now, it’s just pop on your Groucho 

glasses, and presto, pronto, holy mackerello, 

you’re keeping your hard-earned dollars in your 

own community! There’s nothing like being civicminded, 

I say. 

It’s also a dream come true for 24-year-old 

Krystal Mattie, who tells me since the age of 

16 she’s always wanted to run her own sex 

shop. 

Blue-eyed with brownish blonde hair which 

attempts, but fails miserably, to obscure her 

ample cleavage, Krystal tells me: 

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to open a store 

like this because I’ve always been interested in 

sex and lingerie. I think I know enough about my 

products so I thought I would combine my interest 

in sex toys and lingerie with my desire to 

own my own business.” 

And, some people say God never created the 

perfect woman! Boy, oh, boy, are they, like, totally 

ever wrong!!! (Get on with it! — ed.) 

Krystal, a recent graduate of the business 

admin program at the Port Hawkesbury campus 

of the Nova Scotia Community College, 

comes by her retail savvy quite honestly. 

Her father Gerard manages the K.T.V. in 

Monastery, the Mattie family used-furniture 

store. 

Krystal tells me both her dad and her stay-athome 

mom, Gaye, have been incredibly supportive 

of her entrepreneurial efforts. 

Also supportive were the fine folks at the 

Northern Opportunity for Business Ltd. 

(NOBL). They kicked in a small equity loan. She 

has two years to pay it back. 

NOBL offers up to $125,000 in tax dollars as 

start-up cash for young entrepreneurs. 

They took one look at Krystal’s business plan 

and screamed to their Lord Jesus (or whoever): 

“Yepper, human sexual pleasure in the 


Krystal Mattie in her brand, um, spanking new store in Antigonish. 

Little Vatican, that’s innovative, that’s novel, Krystal is multi-dimensional. 

that’s something new, that’ll work!!!” 

She is a wife, a mother, and an independent 

And Krystal is determined to make it work. businesswoman. 

She’s putting in long hours and only has one Looks smart in her business attire. And she is 

part-time employee for back-up. 

smart, too. 

She grew up in Monastery with her two One of the first things Krystal did when she 

brothers, but now makes her home with her moved into the former site of Heaven’s De- 

manly woodsman husband, John, on Cape light Fudge & Candy Store at 3067 Hwy 104 

Jack Road in the nearby Village of Havre Antigonish was to close off the front entrance 

Boucher. 

and open up the back. 

And when manly woodsman John comes This allows for much more discrete access 

home with all his pent-up manly woodsman de- to her sex shop. Customers and cars are hidsires 

beginning to stir deep in his manly woodsden safely out of range of discerning eyeballs 

man loins after a long, hard, lonely day in the in the tiny strip mall which contains three other 

manly woodsman woods, he and Krystal head businesses, in this small tight-knit, clanish, cum- 

straight for the bedroom — the kid’s bedroom — bersomely Catholic community. 

so they can both say goodnight to their oldest If you are driving northeast en route to Cape 

son. He’s four years old. 

Breton, Passionate Nights Intimate Apparel & A 

And to complicate matters even further, Krystal Little Extra is on your left after the first set of 

only five months ago gave birth to her and Antigonish traffic lights, just past the Chateau 

woodsman John’s second child. Another baby Inn. 

boy. 

If you are coming in the opposite direction, 

So just don’t run off with the impression, or southwest, driving from say, Glace Bay, Pas- 

idea, that all the talented and fragrant Krystal sionate Nights Intimate Apparel & A Little Extra is 

Mattie does is hang out with dildos, plugs, rings, on your right, just before the last set of 

books, beads, DVDs, clamps, and things ‘cause, Antigonish traffic lights, before you come to the 

baby, it just ain’t so. 

Chateau Inn.

Oddly enough, Antigonish used to have a 

lingerie shop, but it closed down. Probably 

because it just had lingerie and didn’t offer 

that all-important little extra. 

Yep, you can get the full monty at Passionate 

Nights. Certainly can. 

By the way, once Krystal gets this first 

sex shop year out of the way, she tells me 

she’s going to work on a student discount 

structure for all those nice Catholic and non- 

Catholic boys and girls at St. Ninian’s St. 

F.X. University. 

But remember you have to be at least 18 

years old to browse through Krystal’s wonderful 

world of erotica. 

And Krystal Mattie is v. discrete, and she 

doesn’t discriminate. 

Anyone of appropriate age is permitted 

entry to her Antigonish sex shop. Remember 

to come in the back door. 

Muslim ladies can come wearing their 

burqas and beekeeper’s veil if they like, and 

all clergy, Roman Catholic and otherwise, 

can come in their full priest’s garb if they like. 

Baptists and Lutherans are permitted to 

keep their car engines running in the back 

parking lot. 

Krystal, herself, is Roman Catholic. 

Brisk Business... 

She tells me there’s been no backlash re 

the opening of her Antigonish sex shop and 

that business has been brisk. Yes, she’s penetrating 

the market! (Sorry. Was hanging onto 

that one since paragraph two. Couldn’t hold 

it any longer. Had to get it out. Had to have it 

over and done with. Sorry. I’m much better 

now! Thanks! — Grunt. I’ll continue...) 

Krystal adds that the sex toys and the gift 

baskets are two very, very popular items. 

Definitely above my pay grade, but I would 

hazard a guess that “The Rabbit” vibrator 

made immensely popular by the character 

Charlotte York in the TV series Sex and 

the City (she was addicted to the bloody 

thing) would be a favourite among the more 

trendy libertine lasses of Antigonish Co. 

and surrounding area. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen and 

gentlemen, ladies and ladies, that’s Krystal’s 

story and she’s sticking to it. 

Say, maybe it’s time for an upgrade, huh? 

Whaaad ya say? Plunge to new depths, eh? 

Yes, sir, ladies, say, isn’t it time you said 

goodbye to that local fruit-stand forever and 

dropped in to see enterprising young Charlotte, 

er, um, I mean, enterprising young 

Krystal? C’mon, why don’tcha? 

Just take that Bible outta the top drawer of 

yer Antigonish night table, stuff it under your 

Antigonish mattress for safe keeping, clearly 

outta harm’s way, don’t wanna get anything 

on it, and re-configure that night table top 

drawer with something a little extra. 

Something, a little more durable, a little more 

pleasurable, something you don’t have to rush 

out and drag outta yer dam crisper at 12:30 

at night? Something, when yer finished with 

the dam thing, you won’t have to tippy-toe by 

The unfortunate Nicola Paginton 

the kid’s bedroom at 2:30 at night, to put back 

in the refrigerator. Something you don’t have 

to worry about accidentally cutting up and 

putting on your good man husband’s sandwich 

two days down the road? Or in the 

tomato salad for Sunday dinner when the inlaws 

are coming over after mass at “Geeez, 

it’s not so crowded in here anymore” St. 

Ninian’s Cathedral. 

Yes, sir, ladies, if you’ve seen the future at 

all, then you know the future is elastic hydrocarbon 

poly vinyl, or sumthun’ like that. 

It won’t talk back to you, it won’t pee on the 

toilet seat, it’ll go wherever it’s pushed, and 

it’ll never stay out late at night drinking with 

the boys! What the hell more can ya ask for? 

But all ye young maidens, and ye older 

maidens, too, please be careful. Be cautious. 

Stay away from those Mach 2 super-duper 

speeds unless it’s absolutely, painfully necessary! 

Need I remind you that just last October 

15, not even yet a year ago, young, vivacious, 

spectacularly beautiful, healthy, British 

nanny Nicola Paginton, 30, was found 

dead in her South West England home. 

Nicola didn’t show up for work. 

Her employer and a co-worker went directly 

to her flat to find Nicola dead in bed, 

naked from the waist down, with a sex toy 

in her cold, dead hands and a porn movie 

playing on her laptop. Her cat was lying on 

her chest. 

At a coroner’s inquest last July it was ruled 

that Nicola died from sudden heart arrythmia, 

likely caused by “her activity before her 

death.” 

So ladies, ask yourself, is “Yes, Yes, Yes...” 

really worth it? 

Yes. You’re absolutely right. It is. 

No more question, my Lord. 



DEAR 

PENTHOUSE... 

BY LIB R. TEEN 

IN THE INFINITE, SPRAWLING, OTHERWORLD THAT 

IS CYBERSPACE, A MYSTERIOUS BLOG HAS BEEN 

BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION, ONE THAT, IF THE 

CONTENTS OF IT ARE TRUE, MUST BE MAKING MORE 

THAN A FEW HORNY, HIGH-PROFILE PHILANDERERS 

A MITE NERVOUS. BUT THAT’S A BIG IF. 

For all I know, Chloe, who purports in her Secrets 

of a Halifax Courtesan blog to be a highclass 

escort, could be a bored secretary with an 

over-active imagination. 

Take, for example, her stories of “Charles”, whom 

she identifies as a high-profile public servant who 

may be on the verge of being publicly humiliated because 

of his fetish for wearing ladies’ underthings: 

“At his last press conference, he was wearing a 

particulary smashing pair of acid green satin, trimmed 

with black lace. The Chronicle Herald didn’t report 

on that, of course,” she writes in mid-August, shortly 

after launching the blog. 

A few days later, following a purported meeting 

with “Charles” at her waterfront condo, which apparently 

boasts a soundproofed bedroom and “playroom,” 

her light-hearted tone is replaced with one of 

concern for “Charles.” 

“(He) was quite upset this morning. He received an 

anonymous note telling him that the writer was aware 

of his panty fetish, and that once the press found 

out, he could kiss his public service career goodbye,” 

reads the blog entry. She expresses anger that 

plenty of his colleagues do far worse, “things that 

affect the taxpayer.” 

Then there’s her elderly doctor friend, who she 

says owns a private island near Halifax. 

“He has a pretty little yacht on which he likes to 

play pirate. Booty call indeed,” she coos in a September 

5 posting. Her prose is so overdone, almost 

Harlequin-esque in its drama. If Chloe exists, she is 

the kind of woman who makes love in silhouette while 

clutching silk sheets. 

Just before my deadline, she offered up another 

titillating tidbit, identifying one of her alleged regulars 

as a sitting member of the legislature. 

“I know one sitting member very well indeed, right 

down to the freckle and the little right bend,” she 

writes in a September 10 posting titled The Honourable 

Member. 

Although the blog is devoid of contact information, 

I left a note in the comments section for Chloe to call 

me. The following post appeared the next day: 

“To those gentlemen who leave their number-sorry 

darlings, I have a full date book”. 

So there you have it. Chloe’s not accepting new 

clients. That, my friends, might be the most unbelievable 

part of all. 




(1) The Fr. Moses Coady Memorial Vibrator: 

The fiery little devil allows you to harness 

all of your own potential. It comes with 

balls. Very popular in rural communities where 

users are experiencing a movement like never 

before! 

(2) The Tickle Me Tando Adjustable Vibrator: 

This little sucker isn’t so much a vibrator 

as it is double-ended dildo with the big, bulbous 

head of Tando MacIsaac on one end, and 

Rodney MacDonald’s head on the other one. 

Two heads, as they say, are better than one, 

and Tando and Rodney do like to take care of all 

their friends. Wireless and witless, the Tickle 

Me Tando Adjustable Vibrator adjusts easily to 

pensionable time. Sorry. Non-rechargeable. Tory 

Blue only. 

(3) The Joe Stewart Silicone Shafty: 

Shafty and crafty, the Joe Stewart Silicone 

Shafty is hand coloured and detailed and made 

of shimmering silicone. It’s goliath girth will give 

you hours upon hours of lasting pleasure. 


JUST NOT SO STORIES 

(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP) 

IN LIGHT OF THE GRAND OPENING OF THE LITTLE VATICAN’S FIRST EVER SEX SHOP, 

I AM OBLIGATED TO JOIN IN THE CELEBRATION BY INTRODUCING MY VERY OWN LINE OF: 

ANTIGONISH CELEBRITY VIBRATORS!!! 

Equally enjoyable are the savings. If running 

from the taxman is a fetish you’ve somehow 

developed over the years, well, not to worry. 

The Joe Stewart Silicone Shafty is totally tax 

free, all year ‘round, year after year, after year, 

after year. 

(4) The Collie “Herman” Chisholm Memorial 

Vibrator: Always well lubricated you 

never know where this grand fellow is going to 

show up. Easy escalation. Very effective once 

in the grove. 

(5) The Sean Riley Ladybug Teaser: Built 

for the user who craves power, the Sean Riley 

Ladybug Teaser comes with one arbitrary 

speed. Not very bendable. Always changing 

attachments. May or may not have its own 

Facebook page. 

(6) The Bobby “Daz” Chisholm Vibrator: 

High density, real dense, the Bobby “Daz” 

Chisholm Vibrator is waterproof but not Ernie 

Fage proof. Dishwater-safe but not very sensual. 

For beginners only. 

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, 

YOUR LEADERS 

OF TOMORROW: 

As demonstrated by this 

photograph taken outside 

Halifax’s Split Crow Tavern at 

10:30 Saturday morning, 

September 11, the university 

kids are settling nicely into 

the rigors of first year university. 

No need for any worry at 

home, er, um, I think.... 

�Read 

at your 

own risk! 

(7) The Jim Nunn Fun Factory Vibrator: 

Molded directly from Michelangelo’s David, and 

former The National anchor George MacLean, 

the Jim Nunn Fun Factory Vibrator has a hard 

exterior and will invariably cover all the angles. 

Hands free as advertised on CBC Nova Scotia. 

Can be loud, at times not terribly discrete, but 

this only enhances the awareness that something 

quite spectacular is going on around you. 

Easily transportable. In it’s own subtle way, a 

real jewel, you’ll miss it when its no longer 

around. Comes in kinky magenta. 

(8) The Diocese Bishop Decadent Lovebird 

Vibrator: This little chubby is easy to partner 

with. A real charmer. Turns various shades 

at airports. But there’s no holding back on the 

arousal front. It’s hypersonic pulsation will send 

shockwaves through the entire diocese and all 

the way to the Holy Father. Comes with its very 

own big, pointy hat, which can easily be removed. 

Sure to stimulate news converage and 

conversation all the way to Rome.

LETTERS 

Miss Fran with 

her Romper Room 

magic mirror. 

www.facebook.com 

keywords: 

Dear Frank: 

All this talk about that wingnut Florida 

minister burning/not burning the Qur’an 

reminded me of an article that was published 

in The Record (in Kitchener) in 

August and subsequently in the Herald, 

regarding former Romper Room 

host Fran Pappert’s acceptance of the 

Muslim faith. 

Did you see it? It was really quite fascinating. 

According to the article, Fran (now in 

her 50s) was born and raised Catholic, 

RIPLEY’S NEW FORTUNE 

Dear Frank: 

You should ask former Deputy Minister Patricia 

Ripley what it feels like having a horseshoe up 

her arse? 

By my math, her share of husband Alan 

MacIntosh’s estate (Frank 593) should be worth 

Dear Frank: 

re: Facebook Follies This Week, Frank 591. 

Speaking of follies, I was initially excited to tune 

into the new radio station you referred to, 88.9 

Hal FM, but I was disappointed to find nothing but 

PHONE ANYTIME : (902) 420-1668 

E-MAIL: atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca 

and officially became a Muslim in February 

2009. She was at an all-time low in 

her life, having gone through a divorce, 

survived breast cancer, and faced the 

death of her father. Then she discovered 

a God, who in her words, “is closer 

to me than my jugular vein ... who profoundly 

cares about my existence and 

my soul.” 

Read the article news.therecord. 

com. Maybe you’ll get a story out of it. 

Mr. Rogers, 

Waterloo 

close to a million bucks. Not bad for two years of 

marriage. 

The estimated $300,000 severance package she 

received following her provincial government ouster 

was a pittance by comparison. 

By the way, Pat (nee Patricia Nellie Waring) 

now prefers to be known as Nell MacIntosh. 

Penny Pincha, 

Halifax 

THERE’S NO AIR LIKE DEAD AIR 

static at that frequency. I then realized you were 

trying to make reference to 89.9 Hal FM, a radio 

station that is only a slight improvement over static. 

Mike Rowe-Phone, 

Halifax 

Atlantic Canada Frank More letters, Pages 30 & 31 

Fran Pappert, 

post conversion. 

MISS FRAN’S NEW LIFE 


IT’S THE HIGHPOINT OF 

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YET ANOTHER ASTONISH- 

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13 

14 

28 SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 

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1. HAIR (BIG & POOFY) 

2. HAIR (RELAXED & TOUSLED) 

3. HAIR (STRAIGHTENED & 

SPRAYED) 

4. BARELY PERCEPTIBLE 

DUSTING OF MAKEUP 

5. ELEGANT CASHMERE 

TURTLENECK, SMARTLY 

PAIRED WITH THE JACKET 

MARY POPPINS WAS BURIED 

IN 

6. CHIC FRINGED & BEADED 

DRESS WHICH THAT CAROL CHANNING IMPERSON- 

ATOR WAS JUST GOING TO THROW OUT ANYWAYS 

7. EXQUISITE SILK BLOUSE THAT ACCIDENTALLY GOT 

PUT IN THE WASH WITH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY’S BUS 

8. WATERPROOF RAIN HAT FOR RAINSTORMS, 

HURRICANES, AND THE AFTER-PARTY AT MURPHY’S 

9. HANDSTICHED ITALIAN SUIT, IN THE SENSE THAT 

SHE MADE IT OUT OF AN OLD TABLECLOTH FROM 

LUIGI’S 

10. BOOTS THAT’LL TOTALLY BE IN STYLE IF THEY EVER 

MAKE JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS II 

11. SPECIAL TUMMY-FLATTENING UNDERGARMENT 

WITH ELASTIC CONTROL PANELS TO SLIM THIGHS AND 

HIPS WHILE MAKING BOTTOM LOOK ROUNDED AND 

PERT... OH, WAIT, SORRY - THAT’S FRISKO’S. 

12. EITHER A BLACK LEATHER MINISKIRT OR AN OLD 

BARBEQUE COVER. EITHER WAY, IT WAS ONLY $2 AT 

VALUE VILLAGE! SCORE! 

13. TIGHT WHITE STRETCH PANTS, WHICH SHE CAN’T 

WEAR TOO LONG OR THEY’LL START TO CHAFE HER 

DOPPLER 

14. ANKLE-LENGTH WRAPAROUD SKIRT, TO HIDE FACT 

SHE’S PIGGY-BACKING ON A MIDGET 

15. PAIR OF JOCKEY SHORTS JACQUES MARTIN LEFT 

AT HER PLACE 

16. FEZ 

17. DISCO ROLLER SKATES 

18. CUNNING PAPERBOY DISGUISE, ENABLING HER TO 

GET A SNEAK READ OF WHAT THE COMPETITION’S 

WEATHER IS GOING TO BE 

19. BOX OF BAKING SODA TO TRY AND GET THE 

PASTRAMI-AND-AQUA-VELVA STINK OUT OF PETER 

COADE’S OLD LOCKER 

20. “SEXY JEDI” 

21. “CINDY WAS RIGHT” UMBRELLA 

22. “CINDY WAS EXTREME RIGHT” GIFT EDITION OF THE 

PROTOCOLS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS OF ZION (NO 

LONGER AVAILABLE) 

23. FURRY HEAD ALLAN ROWE KEPT ASKING HER TO 

WEAR BACK AT GLOBAL 

24. T-SHIRT SHE’S BEEN ADVISED TO STOP WEARING 

ON-AIR 

25. RUFFLED WHITE COTTON POET’S SHIRT CONCEAL- 

ING HALF-FORMED SIAMESE TWIN MINDY DAY, WHO 

REALLY GOT THE METEOROLOGY DEGREE 

26. CYCLONE SAM THE WEATHER ANACONDA FROM 

HER OLD STAGE ACT 

27. DEVO HAT 

28. SPECIAL TUNIC SHE WEARS TO CONVINCE 

SUPERSTITIOUS RURAL VIEWERS SHE IS CINDRISHU, 

ALL-POWERFUL GOD OF WEATHER 

29. ABE LINCOLN BEARD 

30. COSTUME FOR REHEARSALS OF HER WEATHER- 

THEMED COMMUNITY-THEATRE PRODUCTION OF 

GODSPELL 2: IT’S RAINING SONS OF MEN 

ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 29

PHONE ANYTIME : (902) 420-1668 

LETTERS 

E-MAIL: atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca 

PO BOX 295, HALIFAX, NS B3J 2N7 

P.J. 

& MOM 

Dear Frank: 

“Firefighter PJ”, 

who appeared in your 

Body Heat issue 

(Frank 592) is P.J. 

Walcott, the son of 

Rev. Elaine Walcott, 

who’s appeared in your 

organ numerous times. 

I’m surprised you didn’t 

know that. 

W. Elle Duh, 

Halifax 

THE WILSON 

COUNTDOWN 

Dear Frank: 

What will be the focus of the 

“XXXX MANY DAYS SINCE” 

counter now that the arrest has 

been made in the Paula Gallant 

murder (Frank 593)? Could I 

suggest how many days since 

Dave Wilson disappeared without 

explanation? 

Miss Terry, 

Via Facebook 

STOP YER 

THWARTIN’ 

VOTE 

FOR 

CHIU 

Dear Frank: 

Hope you are doing well. I just wanted to express 

my disappointment that you would continue 

printing garbage about the Hank Snow 

Tribute in articles such as “The Empty Chair at 

the Hank Snow Tribute” and “Lunch Don’t Hurt 

Anyone” (Frank 592). We, just like any other 

non-profit, are working as hard as we can to 

grow, be successful and attract more visitors 

to the area, and I am appalled that you, as an 

Atlantic Canadian magazine, would try to continually 

thwart those efforts. I realize you are a 

gossip-type magazine, but really, try to get your 

facts straight before going to print. 

Sincerely, 

Kelly Inglis, 

General manager, Hank Snow Town 

Museum, 

Liverpool 


Dear Frank: 

I’ve been watching the CBC newscast lately, 

and I think that fill-in anchor Elizabeth Chiu is 

doing a much better job than Amy Smith. 

Walter C.R Onkite, 

Porter’s Lake 

IRVING UNDERGROUND RAILWAY 

Dear Frank: 

My father, who lives in the Miramichi, loves your magazine. 

I take my copies home to him whenever I visit. Upon seeing your 

coverage on the Irvings (Frank 593), first thing he said was, “You 

won’t read any of this in New Brunswick.” 

Moe Nopoly, 

South End Halifax 

I’VE GOT AN IRVING MIGRAINE 

Dear Frank: 

A family tree would have made your Irving empire opus (Frank 

593) far less confusing. With all the references to J.K., Jamie, 

Jim, John, Jack, J.D. and Arthurs, I could barely make sense of 

it all. 

Evidently, I’m not the only one that needed help. On page 12 you 

misidentified K.C.’s wife Hattie, and wrote that in 1928 K.C. had a 

son with Minnie, the deceased first wife of his grandfather. 

Please pay more attention to what you write and how you present 

your information. 

U.R. Anass, 

Halifax 

FROM THE FRANK 

SUCKS FILES... 

Dear Frank: 

I just bought your latest issue (Frank 

593). You owe me $2.50. Keep 50 cents 

for the Amy Smith and Paula Gallant 

stuff. 

Greg Beaulieu, 

Via Twitter 

� � � 

Dear Frank: 

Congrats, Frank 593 was the singleworst 

issue I’ve seen in years. I find it extremely 

depressing that you guys seem to 

be getting as lazy and unimaginative as the 

Chronically Horrid. 

I. M. Pissed, 

Halifax 

� � � 

Dear Frank: 

Over the years, your Whose House 

feature has gone from a mildly interesting 

look into the Who’s Who and their exclusive 

addresses, to nothing more than a 

public directory, listing the average house 

of every average joe. 

What makes you think we are interested 

in your wider and blander focus? 

Watt A. Yawn, 

Halifax 

WHO’S ON 

FIRST? 

Dear Frank: 

I’ve been listening to 

Andrew Krystal on the 

Fan 590 out of Toronto for 

the last couple of weeks, 

and I gotta say, he comes 

off as a casual sports fan 

at best. Mispronouncing 

names left and right. 

He sounds like a pretty 

nice guy and everything, 

but I don’t know if sports 

talk is really his bag. Maybe 

he shoulda stayed in Halifax. 

Ted Baxter, 

Belleville, Ontario

FAX ANYTIME: (902) 423-0281 

LETTERS 

WEB: www.atlanticfrank.ca 

PO BOX 295, HALIFAX, NS B3J 2N7 

NICE PLACE, BUT... 

Dear Frank: 

Cow Bay’s natural beauty may be unrivalled, but its architecture 

is ugly. There isn’t a stand-out among any of the houses 

you profiled (Frank 593). 

It doesn’t matter if you plop these homes into the newest 

subdivision, or build them near the ocean, they are mediocre, 

cookie-cutter designs. Blech. 

Tiny Rusticoville, P.E.I. has more interesting architecture. 

I. Sore, 

North End Halifax 

ALMOST MADE THE LIST 

Dear Frank: 

Just got my issue. Good one on Cow Bay (Frank 

593). 

We almost bought one of those homes and our 

friends made your Top 50. 

Mr. & Ms. Jones, 

Halifax 

AMY’S SCHOOL DAZE 

Dear Frank: 

Good feature on Amy Smith (Frank 593). 

Here’s her yearbook photo if you’re interested. 

My husband grew up in Westmount and went to 

the same high school she did. 

Al Umnus, 

The Valley 

TOO MUCH AMY 

Dear Frank: 

Just scanned issue 593. 

I realize that Amy Smith is attractive and talented, 

but does she rate sketch portrayal on your cover and 

four pics on your “full” pages of her history to success 

on pages eight to 11 inclusive? 

It’s rare you accord a celebrity such lengthy, extensive 

attention and coverage. 

Signed, 

Re-Ba, 

Bedford 

Amy in high school. 

Frank News Tips Hotline 

1-888-335-5505 

www.atlanticfrank.ca 

FAMILY 

TIES 

Dear Frank: 

If memory serves, accused 

murderer Jason MacRae’s 

grandfather Lloyd was a machinist 

in New Glasgow. He worked 

for years at Maritime Auto Supply, 

which used to be located on 

the back street downtown, where 

J.R. Rahey’s is today. 

The family home was on one of 

those side streets off of Trenton 

Road, right across from the graveyard. 

Gene Poole, 

New Glasgow 

PERSISTANCE 

ON PAULA 

Dear Frank: 

I hereby bestow upon you the Brier 

Island Excellence of Journalism 

Award for your persistence, both high 

and low-key, on the Paula Gallant story. 

Sincere congratulations to you, and all 

the best. 

Hal A. Looyah, 

Brier Island 

REST IN PEACE, 

PAULA 

Dear Frank: 

Thanks for keeping the public aware of 

Paula Gallant’s murder, and now that a 

murder charge has been laid, may she rest 

in peace. 

Nan C. Grace, 

Via Facebook 


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