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The Other Side <strong>of</strong> the Clipboard<br />
6<br />
Kourtney Bradford<br />
MSIII 2nd place, prose<br />
I watched through the dusty gray aluminum blinds as the cold January rain<br />
mockingly rapped lightly against the tall <strong>of</strong>fice window. Each wave taunting me with an<br />
“I told you so” tone reminiscent <strong>of</strong> how mother would sadly hold my broken hearted 16<br />
year-old body and remind me <strong>of</strong> her warnings about boys my age. I wish she were here<br />
now. I smell her lilac perfume and a fleeting glint <strong>of</strong> hope and warmth begins to surround<br />
me until I hear the hospital paging system remind a certain Dr. Bellows that his<br />
nurse is still holding on line two and I am jolted back to the fluorescent light-filled box I<br />
am suffocating in. The coarse paper on the examining table. The new, young nurse<br />
who had mispronounced my dead husband’s first gift to me. The four-month-old magazines<br />
on fishing and home re-decorating that seemed so much more inviting six years<br />
ago.<br />
Tick. Tick. Tick. I can see John’s shrunken physique sitting next to me in<br />
the hard plastic chair, clammy hand in mine. How I loved him for explaining what a<br />
“lymph node” was and how “cancer” had decided to take up residence in mine. No sir.<br />
No family history <strong>of</strong> cancer. No sir. No tobacco or alcohol use. I was always the<br />
healthy one. I had to be since John’s first heart attack in ’93 had induced a stroke and<br />
left him paralyzed on the left side <strong>of</strong> his body. Now it was his turn to comfort and care<br />
for me, <strong>of</strong> which he did so adoringly until the week <strong>of</strong> my last chemo treatment. He<br />
must have thought I was going to be okay, and that he could finally go home. My<br />
family quietly celebrated my remission as we paid our last respects to my dear love, my<br />
soul mate, and tried to console me with thoughts <strong>of</strong> “at least now you have your<br />
health.” Yes, I suppose I did. But, what good was my health without my heart? I had<br />
wept unrelentingly at my good fortune.<br />
In the past four years, however, I had learned to deal with John’s passing as I<br />
rationalized his advanced years, his debilitating condition and how he had fought till the<br />
end to make sure I would make it. The single, thin, gold band on my twisted and<br />
swollen left ring finger is all I have <strong>of</strong> him with me today. Looking past my deformed<br />
hand, I notice the doctor has installed new floor tiles. Well, probably not the doctor<br />
himself. They look cold. I wonder how they will feel when I collapse onto them, trying<br />
to pull them up over my head and hide under them, after he tells me I am dying. No. I<br />
will not fall. I will clutch my light blue cardigan tighter around my 94 pound frame and<br />
defiantly refuse any further treatment. I am 84 years old. I will lose neither the hair I<br />
have spent the past two years growing back, nor my lunch…or any other meal for that<br />
matter.<br />
I suppose when they had said there is a chance it will return, the cancer that<br />
is, that I would have preferred it if they had been a little more clear. Thirty percent<br />
chance. Well, does that not leave a 70 percent chance that it will not? That seemed like<br />
SCOPE <strong>2006</strong><br />
a lot <strong>of</strong> percent until last week when I had walked to the mailbox to collect the post,<br />
trying to ignore my ever-increasing breathlessness, and returned to the house only to<br />
cough up a handful <strong>of</strong> blood. Fresh. Candy apple red like my first tube <strong>of</strong> lipstick. I<br />
hadn’t felt right for months, but that is what brought me here four days ago and<br />
prompted a pleasant array <strong>of</strong> poking, prodding, and testing. I had just finished rinsing<br />
my teacup this morning when the nurse phoned. Of course I could come in this afternoon.<br />
Her tone <strong>of</strong> voice was similar to that you would expect <strong>of</strong> an invite to luncheon<br />
with the ladies or a friend’s birthday party. Some party this was going to be. I had left<br />
the water in the sink running a good 15 minutes before the incessant beeping <strong>of</strong> the disconnected<br />
phone line reminded me <strong>of</strong> my RSVP.<br />
Now, I sit and wait. Confused. Resigned. Proud. I am relishing how I have<br />
come full circle and am ready to strongly face this alone when there is a knock at the<br />
door. A solitary tear silently emerged from my right eye and plotted a course over my<br />
freshly rouged cheek and to the corner <strong>of</strong> my<br />
quivering wrinkled mouth.<br />
SCOPE <strong>2006</strong> 7<br />
7