Articles Book I - Pg 66-180 (1977) - triadoption

wonlaln of sixty, adopted in infancy, Itas bccn searching
[or ller "rcal motller" for thirty years. "I'm determined
to linct iler," she told me. "so I can die happy."
She is not alone. In recent years tl~ousancls of other men
and women raised in adoptive l~omcs have begun searching lor tlleil
bioiogiwl ~~arcnts-with varying degrees of s~~ccess. Orgartizations
desigr~ed to aid the adopted in their search ltavesprtlng up all over
the country and often llave long waiting lists for their services. As a
result, courts and adoption agencies have bccn Iorced to reexamine
their rulesand proceduresrcgardingconfidcntiality.
The numerous book and magazine articlcs published on this
subject have been of apecial interest to mc-l~crsonally as well as
professionally. In adtlition to my long career in family relations, I
happcn to IIC an adoptive motl~cr. And wl~ilc it is we adoptive
parents andour cllildrcn w11o are most directly alfected by this issue,
I thinkit bas impliwtionsfor almost everyone.
All of us, whatever our llistory and unique characteristics, are
l~avingdiffict~lty with our"wnsc of identity" tl~aedays. We feel
alienated from cad, other; we live mostly in big, anonymous cities
where we hardly knowourneigl~bon; we have nogcnuinerww
anywllve. The concrete andglass, the noise and dirt, the crowds
around us make us feel insignificant-unsure ot who we are and what
our lives mean. We live in an environment of change and are not so
sure what we believe abu~ anything anymore. Old rules, old
customs, old values often seem itrelevant.
As d~ange becolnes more and more rapid, ae all talk more openly
about what we find unique and sj~cial about ourselves. Those who
were adopted are no exception-and what is ilappening to tllcln
secms to be a reflection ofwhat is happening to all of us in one way
or another. Wedon't want to ixanonymous; we want to know who
we are and where we are going.
In that context, 1 am deeply concerncd about those who searcli lor
their bio1ogic;al roou. I'm not bothered by the fict that they wan1 to
-that seemsentirely natural-but by tl~e fact that they give in to tl~is
impulse. I[ psychology lrar taught us anything, it 113s made clear
thatweare almost constantly bombarded by in~pulscs to which we
must learn ftol to give in! There are times when we'd like to 11it
someone, times wllcn we'd love to steal, timer when we feel like
saying something cruel. Maturity conles when we learn tocontrol
such impulses,
Tl~e wish to scardl lor biological parents is onc of those tlloro~lgl~ly
undersundable, absolurely human in~pulses. But it secms to rrtc that
in most circumstances it? an impulse that nectls to be controlled.
"Now that I'm an adult myself," one adoptee told me. "1 see many
girls and women having babies out of (ronli~trrcd otr page 21.1)