Articles Book I - Pg 66-180 (1977) - triadoption

tal, emotional, or 11liysic.il disorders. Jim believes tliat
a child witli scverc liandica~s rciluircs the kind uf care
rvas riot mi ,iltrt~istic decision; I thoup,ht .idupling
would iio a lot for me. I \v.intcd lo raisccliiltircn. I had
Ilia1 is best prtrvidcci Liy a t\vo-parent Iiomc. Wlicn lie
originally filed liis a}iplic.ition in late 1972, tlic agency
p,ru\vn 1117 believing tliat dating led to marriage and
then family. but it didn't happen that \\.a!.. As I
offered liim only severely rctardcd and plipsically a~~pro.iclicd 30, 1 rc~alizcd that you cat1 only c.irc so
handicapped children.
"It was ilicir way of trying to disciiuragc nic," lie
nitlcli for somnmc else's cliililrcn."
Katliy liad asked for a Iiard-to- lace child-\\'liiclr
says. "'flit agency assu~ncd that si~nirlliinp, must be
rvrong witli me. I \\,as asker1 \vhy I didn't just riiarry
she figt~reil \roulll n1c.m '1 girl, non\vIiilc, sixor seven
years olii-tliottgli she di~in'l feel she could Ii,~ndlc n
and have my own cliildrcn. I was asked about cliild rvitli serious lianilicaps. She had not cotttitcd on
lionioscxuality. And, of course, no one would believe being offcrcd .I boy. "Everyone says boys can't get
that a single man is capal~lc of cooking and cleaning along without a man, but mine have plenty of opporand
caring for a child."
lunily for ~ilalc contact. I worry Inore about same-sex
It is to his sisters, or liis neighbors, that Jim some- adoptic~nti: girls witli \\-omen, boys will1 nicn. \Vlicrc
D
are tlicsl: cliildrcn going lo learn lo interact tlie
opposite sex?"
uane arrived with nice Scan canic to Katliy in September, 1972, and Fabian
came in January. 1975. "After I liad Sean, 1 decided
clothina,and a taste for that niy second child should also be dark-skinned. I
calf's liver,"~ecalls Jim. I felt it was more iniportant that they look like each
other than like me, sincc they would be facing the
"~lexander's cravings I world togctlier." She also rcqc~ested that the second
leaned more toward bologna: cliild.lia\~e allergies-something that she and Scan
already liad in coninion.
times turns for cnicrgcncy advice. Though parenting "Fabian came to me witli minimal brain damage and
held few surprises for liim, his life lias changed. "I learning disabilities. His condition liad never been
can't go out as freely, or entertain as la\rislily, or properly diagnosed. So 1 was confronlcd with an
p;impc?r myself as much as before, bccause tlic cliil- eight-year-old tvho didn't know the alphabet even
drcn come first. I go to PTA nicelings now, and 1 help though he'd h ~ going n to scliool sincc lie \\,as three.
rvitli homework. Tlicrc arc a few tI?!~igs that you do by And lie was terribly angry at being taken away from
trial nnd crror, like learning to shop for children's Iiis second foster home. He was extremely mistrustful.
clothes. You niakc a fe\v mistakes at first. Uut after a I.lc broke ivindoivs, lie ran away-until it came time to
while, it a11 becomes very nalural."
sign the adoption papers. Then lie had a breakdown.
I-le tliouglit I niiglit string liim along wen farther and
1111!1r reject him. At tliat point I knew I either had togct
help or consider rcturniiig liim. So I postponed the
adol>tiun until I could g1.t govcrnmcnl subsidies lo
send liim fur triBatmcnt [in New York City st~cli
sctbsidics tiiust be approved by tlic lltrn~.iu of Child
\Vclfarc before final adoption papcrs art! signcdl, and
to liavc! him scrci~ncd ior spccial classes."
Scar1 also is in thcrapy now. "Altlioirl;l~ ttc didn't
want lo leave his foster Iiomc either," Kathy remcnibors,
"lie understood tliat tlit~ri! was somelliing in
this fi~r him:' It rvasn'l until after liis brother arrived
tli,it Seain's deeper anxieties bcgiin to surface. "As ilic
kids beconic older and niorc aware of their past, they
also become moreconfused. Sciin was angry a1 having
been rejected more than once, and lie transferrtrd liis
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~ ~ -~~ ~
"I kniw* what kinds trf cliiltlrcn \\!ere availiihlc; I'll
\vorkcii \\!it11 tlicm," says Katliy. "I \vas cvilling lu
i~cccpt llic fact tliat lliesc were da~iiagcd cliilllrcn. It
.,
anrcr ti1 riic. If I said 'nut on vciur belt' ur 'flush the
ttiilct' he ~\~uuld Iii~\~c a temper lantruni." One day,
Katliy c.1111c ho~iic to find a slit in the arm of tlie
living-rc~ilri~ c~trch. Sean siiid lic tlid it because lie
knc\v K.itl?y liked tlic~coucl~ .?lid bccatrsc "I'm .il\vays
angry at yi~u.""r\ hurt lhnt tlci*l) lias LoLli*dcalt witli,"
says Kathy. "I knew that as liis motlicr I \v.is not tlic
pcrstm ilualifit!d lo do it."
'flii~ighirc gcncri~lly c.ilmcr no\v, a11r1 Kathy Illinks
(t~tr~llilr~~t'tl 1111 /~tr