Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World

By JoDee Coulter, MT-BC 

19201 Villaview Road 

Cleveland, Ohio 44119-3064 

(216) 486-6838 

Hospice House & Headquarters 

300 East 185th Street 

Cleveland, Ohio 44119-1330 

Serving Northern Ohio with offices 

throughout Ashtabula, Cuyahoga, Geauga, 

Lake, Lorain and Summit Counties. 

Hospice Resale Shop in Lyndhurst 

Information: 800-707-8922 

Hospice Connect: 800-707-8921 

hospicewr.org 

Copyright 2009 Hospice of the Western Reserve 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center is a community-based grief support program that 

provides services throughout Northern Ohio. We offer support to anyone who has experienced a loss due to death. 

Seven Choices: Finding Daylight 

After Loss Shatters Your World 

By Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. 

As we journey through grief, we often struggle with feeling 

out of control - that we have no choice, and when we do have 

decisions to make we are too overwhelmed or full of self-doubt 

to make them. In her book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight 

After Loss Shatters Your World, Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. 

helps put the pieces back together. In the chapter, “Impact: 

Experiencing the Unthinkable,” she shares her story about the 

loss of her husband, as well as the experiences of others. She 

discusses seven phases she lived through during her grief, and 

the decisions she had to make as well as the challenges she 

faced. She offers choices for each of these challenges which 

will enlighten and empower the reader to take a more positive 

approach - creating more hope for those looking for daylight. 

From identifying life as it was to feeling freedom from the 

Domination of Grief, Dr. Neeld supports the bereaved reader. 

She devotes a special section to helping grieving children and 

teens, and completes her work with a discography, bibliography 

and Internet resources. No matter what type of loss you have 

experienced, you will find this book to be a great resource. 

Non-profit Org. 

U.S. Postage 

PAID 

Cleveland, OH 

Permit No. 848 

289132_AboutGrief.indd 1 10/29/09 11:57 AM

Volume 18 / No. 4 / Winter 09 

THIS ISSUE 

From The ediTor 

misguided “ground rules” oF grieF 

isn’T grieF CompliCaTed enough? 

Book review 

a Child’s view 

EDITOR 

Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC 

Director 

VOLUNTEER EDITOR 

Thelma Morris 

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT 

Felicia Dunlop-Stanley 

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS 

Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S 

Bereavement Coordinator 

Megan Davis, LISW-S 

School Liaison 

JoDee Coulter, MT-BC 

Bereavement Coordinator 

Amalie Clausen, MSSA, LSW 

Children’s Bereavement Coordinator 

A Publication of The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center 

Winter is nearly 

here. We feel the 

cold as we move 

about from home 

to work to school to 

community. The snow blankets us and the 

winter months can bring a certain comfort 

during our time of grief. 

Be kind to yourself this December. The 

glitz and jingle of the season can be 

overwhelming, but know that there are 

others out there who have experienced the 

death of a loved one and are feeling a heavy 

heart this holiday season. You are not alone. 

Welcoming in the New Year can be anything 

but welcoming when you are grieving. For 

many, the season can be difficult. Others 

find that the New Year is a relief and look 

at it as a “fresh start.” Sometimes it seems 

unreal that time has marched on. We may 

have been used to counting the time since 

About 

Grief 

from the Editor 

our loved one died in weeks or months. 

Suddenly we are saying “my loved one died 

last year” and that can come as a shock. It 

is normal to feel afraid that your memories 

will fade: the reality is you will always hold 

the memory of your loved one in your 

heart. You will remember what you need to 

when you need it. 

We hope you enjoy this issue of About Grief. 

We encourage you to review the support 

group listings and hope you will attend. It is 

our wish that the upcoming year will bring 

you strength, hope and peace. 

We continue to be here with comfort 

and support. 

Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC 

(216) 486-6312 

dscowan@hospicewr.org 

Visit The Bereavement Center's Blog at: 

http://bereavementcenter.blogspot.com 

C o m f o r t | H o p e | H e a l i n g 

19201 Villaview Road | Cleveland, Ohio 44119-3064 | 216-486-6838 | 800-707-8922 | hospicewr.org 


2 

Misguided “Ground Rules” of Grief 

By Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S 

The death of someone close can lead us to expect and often 

receive wonderful support from the people in our lives. 

Sometimes however, grieving people discover that society has 

established “ground rules” that are not helpful in their grief 

journey. Some of these misguided notions include: 

Life should return to normal shortly after the funeral 

Grieving people often receive great support just after the 

loss, during the funeral and the days immediately following. 

However, friends return to their lives and may expect that the 

grieving person should as well. In reality, the first weeks after 

the death of a loved one are just the start of the grief journey. 

You must get rid of belongings immediately 

Well meaning family and friends may try to “help” by quickly 

going through the deceased’s belongings and packing them 

up to be discarded, feeling these will only add to the grief. 

In reality, many belongings of a loved one can bring great 

comfort to the one who is grieving. 

Men should not cry but women must 

Society often places restrictions on the way a person should 

grieve. Men are taught not to cry and to be strong. Therefore 

a man who openly weeps may be perceived as “weak.” Women 

who do not show tears may be seen as “cold.” In reality, there 

is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of gender. How 

you express your grief is as personal as the loss itself. 

The grief of a parent whose child has died trumps your grief 

Society often places hierarchical value on different types of 

loss. The loss of a pet may be seen as less meaningful than 

that of a sister. The death of a distant grandparent may 

be perceived as less important than that of a close friend. 

Consequently, many grievers are disenfranchised because 

society doesn’t recognize their loss as significant. In 

reality, every loss is significant and every person has a 

right to grieve. 

Widows/Widowers must give up their couple friends 

because they feel uncomfortable around you 

Sometimes a death can be a harsh reminder of your own 

mortality. Because of this, couple friends may consciously or 

unconsciously avoid the surviving spouse of a friend who has 

died. This can be very hurtful to the grieving person who 

needs their support now more than ever. 

You have exactly one year to get over this 

A person’s grief is as individual as his or her loss. There is no 

magic in reaching the milestone of one year. However, society 

seems to place great stock in the notion that “it’s been a year 

so you should be feeling better.” In reality, it may be just the 

beginning of the grief journey for some people. The nature 

of grief lies in the nature of the relationship one had with the 

person who died. 

The journey of grief is personal and can’t be directed by 

what others say. If you are grieving, know that it is ok for 

you to feel how you feel, regardless of the “ground rules” put 

in place by society. If you are supporting someone who is 

grieving, let them know that you want to help in ways that 

are most useful to them. If you don’t know how, ask. It is 

also wise to offer help in a way that is comfortable for you. 

Recognize your own limitations. Don’t promise things you 

cannot deliver. It is difficult to lose someone we love. Start 

by just being present and available. This may be the best 

gift you have to offer. 

The Vista Walk 

remember your loved one 

The Vista Walk is Hospice of the Western Reserve’s memorial 

garden brick pathway located on the shores of Lake Erie at Hospice 

House. Anyone who wishes to remember their loved one by 

purchasing a brick with a special inscription is invited to call (216) 

383-3712 for more information. The Vista Walk at Hospice House 

is open for meditation and reflection. 


Isn’t Grief Complicated Enough? 

Megan Davis, LISW-S 

“My husband died over three years ago…but I still can’t seem 

to imagine life without him.” This is one woman’s expression 

of how intensely her sorrow continues to affect her life 

several years after the death of her spouse. Sometimes when 

we experience a death, for various reasons, we are unable to 

move through our grief. When a grief experience becomes 

so intense, long lasting and severe that it prevents us from 

healing, it is called Complicated Grief. Intense emotions 

like sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety are common following 

the death of a loved one, but when such feelings persist, they 

can inhibit our ability to mourn and even prevent us from 

accepting that the death has occurred. This makes it very 

difficult to go on living and to make meaning out of life. 

Anyone can suffer from complicated grief, but common risk 

factors include: sudden/unanticipated death, death following 

a lengthy illness, death of a young child, feeling that the 

death was preventable and experiencing multiple losses. 

Relationships that were extremely dependent, angry, or 

ambivalent – and particularly when abuse or violence was 

present – can leave us with unresolved feelings about the loss, 

and lead to complicated grief as well. 


Symptoms of complicated grief are similar to normal grief but 

last for at least six months. They can include: 

• Inability to accept that the death has occurred 

• Intense anxiety, anger, guilt or loneliness that persists 

over time 

• Isolation or withdrawal from others 

• Lack of emotion; numbness 

• Feeling that life is meaningless or empty 

• Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts; upsetting memories of 

the deceased 

• Severe changes in eating or sleeping habits 

• Extreme avoidance of family/friends or activities 

associated with the deceased 

• Experiencing physical symptoms like those the deceased 

experienced prior to or during death 

• Phobias/fears of illness or death 

• Relentless depression 

If you are experiencing any of the symptoms above or are 

having difficulty managing your grief, please contact your 

hospice bereavement coordinator or a grief counselor in 

The Bereavement Center. You do not have to go through 

this journey alone! Please call us at (216) 486-6838 to be 

connected with someone who can help. 

Our eleventh Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great 

success. Forty children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and 

tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with 

their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced a loss. 

We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time and talents to 

make this a great event, as well as the numerous individuals who contributed funds to purchase 

supplies and provide camper scholarships. Many thanks also go to Kaiser Permanente, Stuart and 

Associates, David Tavens of MitzvahPhoto, Buckeye Mountain Coffee and Water Company, Miklus 

Florists, and our teddy bear ladies, Mary Graham, Margaret Stokes and Gayle Kovach. Your support 

for our camp is priceless!! 

289132_AboutGrief.indd 3 10/29/09 11:58 AM 

3

4 

Massage TherapY 

Providing Comfort Through Touch 

Stress is a normal part of life. As you move along grief’s journey, you 

may face many challenges. Massage therapy is a tool useful in helping 

to cope with stress, anxiety and fatigue. To schedule an appointment, 

call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley at (216) 486-6335. All appointments 

will be held at The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center. 

Basic Fees: $25 for 30 minutes $50 for 60 minutes 

Yoga MaTTers 

Give yourself the gift of time and attention. The practice of Yoga 

helps you tune into yourself and take care of your physical, emotional 

and spiritual needs. Classes held at Hospice of the Western Reserve 

Headquarters. To register please call (216) 486-6838. 

On-going Yoga Class designed for caregivers & bereaved 

Wednesdays, 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm 

Fee: $40/month or $12 Drop-in (sliding scale fee available) 

aLcohoLics anonYMous 

Headquarters 

Wednesdays, 12:45 pm 

For more information, call (216) 241-7387 

Bereavement Support Groups 

Unless otherwise noted, our support groups are open to anyone who 

has had a loved one die. Please note, most Westlake groups will be 

held at St John West Shore Community Outreach Center, 29160 

Center Ridge Road, Suite R. Groups are subject to change. Call to 

verify time and location. 

Adult Support Groups 

circLe oF hope series 

Six-week educational support class for adults who have had a loved 

one die. Registration is required. Please call the facilitator listed 

below for more information or to register. 

ashtabula office 

Wednesdays, Jan. 20 - Feb. 24, 1:30 to 3:00 p.m. 

Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619 

The elisabeth severance prentiss Bereavement center 

Wednesdays, Feb. 24 - Mar. 31, 10:00 to 11:30 a.m. 

Diana Battles (216) 486-6364 

hospice of the Western reserve headquarters 

Mondays, Feb. 1 - Mar. 8, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. 

Tensie Holland (216) 383-3741 

Lakewood office 

Mondays, Jan. 18 - Feb. 22, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 

Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737, ext. 3110 

Mentor office 

Mondays, Jan. 18 - Feb. 22, 10:30 to 12:00 p.m. 

Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737, ext. 3041 

winter 2009-2010 

Community 

Support 

Groups & 

Activities 

piece BY piece for young widows and widowers 

A four week support group. Registration is required. 

Warrensville heights office 

Thursdays, Jan. 7 - Jan. 28, 6:00 to7:30 p.m. 

Vicki Jackson (216) 383-3737, ext. 3200 

parenTs TogeTher 

A support group for parents coping with the 

death of an adult child. Registration is required. 


six Mondays, Mar. 8 - apr. 12, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 



Four Tuesdays, Mar. 9 - Mar. 30, 2:00 to 3:30 p.m. 


hope & heaLing 

An on-going monthly support group for grieving adults. Registration 

is not required. Please call facilitator for more information. 

hospice of the Western reserve headquarters 

3 rd Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 

April Ratcliffe (216) 383-3782 


4 th Wednesday of the month, 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. 

Joan Tabaj (216) 383-3737 ext. 3105 

Mentor office 

1 st Tuesday of the month, 1:30 to 2:30 p.m. 

Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737 ext. 3041 


2 nd Tuesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 

Judy Beckman (216) 383-3737 ext. 3110 

For The Young aDuLT (20’s) 


3 rd Wednesday of the month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 


Men’s grieF group 

A monthly breakfast meeting for men who are grieving the death 

of a loved one. 


1 st Wednesday of the month, 8:30 to 10:00 a.m. 

Bob Ballantine (216) 486-6747 

neW Beginnings 

A monthly support group for young widows and widowers (ages 55 

and younger). This group is open-ended and on-going. Registration 

is not required. 

Westlake 

St John West Shore Community Outreach Center 

29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite R 

2 nd Wednesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 

JoDee Coulter (216) 383-3737 ext. 3440 


1 st Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 



neW JourneY 

A support group for widows and widowers of any age, adjusting to 

life without their spouse. This group is open ended and on-going. 

Registration is not required. 


2nd Thursday of the month, 10:00 to 11:30 a.m. 



Thursday, December 17, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 

Starting January 2010 – twice a month in ashtabula only 

2 nd and 4 th Thursday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 


horiZons 

A monthly support group for the older adult widow and widower. 

This group is open ended and on-going. 


3 rd Tuesday of the month, 10:30 to 12:00 p.m. 

Kathryn Harrison (216) 486-6331 

Mayfield Village Baptist church 

2 nd Tuesday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. 

6500 Highland Road, Mayfield 

Kathryn Harrison (216) 486-6331 

Lakewood 

1381 Bunts Road, Lakewood, 4 th floor 

2 nd Monday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. 


Branches oF hope 

A series for adults who have experienced the death of both parents. 

This group will help you move forward while honoring your parents’ 

memory and identifying their gifts to you. Registration is required. 

Westlake 

St John West Shore Community Outreach Center 

29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite R 

six Thursdays, Feb. 18 – Mar. 25, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 

JoDee Coulter (216) 383-3737 ext. 3440 

“New Group” siBLing connecTions 

This four-week group will allow adults who have experienced the 

death of a sibling at any time during their lives to explore their grief 

and mourn this loss. Registration is required. 


Four Wednesdays, Feb. 3 – Feb. 24, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 


FaBric anD FeeLings 

A weekly group where participants use fabric techniques such as 

quilting (sometimes involving clothing from loved ones) or photo 

transfer to create quilts, pillows, dolls and other types of lasting 

memories. Sewing expertise is not necessary. 


Thursdays, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m. 

Mary Trivisonno (216) 486-6838 

The neXT chapTer 

A book discussion for adults who enjoy reading as an avenue to 

process loss, grief and hope. Intended for those with a minimum of 

six months of healing – whether by individual or group support. Call 

to obtain book title and to register. 


Thursday, Feb. 4, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 



Tuesday, Feb. 2, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 



Wednesday, Feb. 3, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 


Dinner anD a MoVie 

Come join us for a light dinner, a film examining concepts of grief 

and loss, and a discussion group connecting fiction with reality. 

Registration is required. 

Movie – “The Bucket List” 


Thursday, Feb. 18, 6:00 to 8:30 p.m. 


Holiday Events 

hope For The hoLiDaYs 

An adult bereavement group providing techniques, dialog 

and support for those grieving through the holiday season. 

Registration is required. 


Thursday, Dec. 3, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. 


Mentor office 

Thursday, Dec. 10, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 

Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737 ext. 3041 

hoLiDaY FaMiLY nighT 

An evening to honor and commemorate your loved one that 

died by decorating a candle in their memory. Family members 

of any age are welcome to attend. Registration is required. 


Wednesday, Dec. 9, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

To register call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley (216) 486-6335 


Tuesday, Dec. 15, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

To register call Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619 

Support Groups Continued on Page 6 >> 


5

6 

Healing Arts Workshops, Winter 09-10 

Healing Arts Workshops provide grieving people with a creative outlet 

for their grief and are open to all grieving people. No art experience 

is necessary. call Mary Trivisonno at (216) 486-6838 to register. 

MeMorY WreaThs 

Decorate a grapevine wreath, symbolizing unbroken 

life and love, with personal symbols, as well as wishes, 

memories and prayers. 



st. John West shore community outreach center 

29160 Center Ridge Rd., Suite R 


ceLeBraTe The LighT 

Use glass beads or beach glass to decorate a vigil 

light that symbolizes the light brought into our 

lives by our loved ones. 


Tuesday Jan. 12, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. 



Tuesday Jan. 19, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. 

heaLing our hearTs 

Using felt and other fabrics, create a small heartshaped 

“pillow” that is sewn together with love, 

mended with hope and stuffed with thoughts, 

memories and prayers. 


Tuesday, Feb. 9, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. 



Tuesday, Feb. 23, 6:30 to 8:30 pm. 

The elisabeth severance prentiss 

Bereavement center 


Cleveland, OH 44119-3064 

hospice house & headquarters 

300 East 185th Street 



1166 Lake Avenue 

Ashtabula, OH 44004-2930 

Children and Family Support Groups 

s.T.a.r.s. (Supporting Tears, Anger, Remembrance & Sadness) 

A six-week support group for grieving children ages 6-12. While the 

children are meeting, there is an adult support group to assist parents and 

family members in dealing with their own grief. Registration is required. 


Mondays, Jan. 25 – Mar. 1, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

Colleen Thompson (216) 486-6316 

Westlake office 

Wednesdays, Jan. 13 – Feb. 17, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

Amalie Clausen (216) 486-6319 

proJecT hope 

A four-week group for adolescents aged 12-17, using journaling as 

an expressive and safe way to share feelings. Participants will make 

their own journals and will be given time to reflect on their grieving 

process. This group will also discuss music as a healthy coping 

strategy. Registration by a parent or guardian required. 


Tuesdays, Jan. 5 – Jan. 26, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 



Tuesdays, Feb. 2 – Feb. 23, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. 


hospice oF The WesTern reserVe oFFice LocaTions 

cleveland office 



hospice care center 

at the renaissance 

26376 John Road 

Olmsted Falls, OH 44138 

Lorain county office 

2173 N. Ridge Road E., Suite H 

Lorain, OH 44055-3400 

on eagLes’ Wings 

A monthly support group for families who have experienced the death of 

a child. After pizza, the parents have a support group while their school 

age children meet separately with other children who have lost a sibling. 


3 rd Thursday of each month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

Susan Lakin at (216) 383-3737 ext. 3964 

Co-sponsored by Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital and Hospice 

of the Western Reserve. 

heLping hanDs/heaLing hearTs 

A monthly support group for children ages 6-13 and adults, who have 

experienced the death of a loved one. While the adults are meeting, 

there is a co-existing support group for the children. Registration is 

not required 


3 rd Tuesday of each month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. 

Colleen Thompson at (216) 486-6316. 



14601 Detroit Avenue 

Suite 100 

Lakewood, OH 44107-4214 

Mentor office 

5786 Heisley Road 

Mentor, OH 44060-1830 

university circle office 

10645 Euclid Avenue 



4670 Richmond Road 

Suite 200 

Warrensville Hts, OH 44128 

Westlake office 

29101 Health Campus Drive 

Building 2, Suite 400 

Westlake, OH 44145-5268 


A 

Child's 

View 

By Amalie Clausen, MSSA, LSW 

Hi Kids! 

Winter is a great time for sledding, snowmen, snow forts, 

and ice skating. However, it’s also cold outside, and the 

sun doesn’t stay up for very long. In fact, winter starts on 

the shortest day of the year. You are likely to get up for 

school when it’s dark outside, and you go to bed when it’s 

dark. As winter moves along and spring gets closer adults 

may say, “Now the days are getting longer,” but it doesn’t 

seem like they are. It’s hard to notice the sun shining 

longer when your toes are freezing. 

Grief can be like the days of winter. You may feel sad, 

angry, or mixed up more than you used to before your 

special person died. People may have told you that you’ll 

start feeling better, but when you feel bad, it’s difficult to 

think it will ever happen. It’s not always easy to remember 

Here’s a list of different feelings that 

you may experience when a loved one 

dies. Find the words in the search. 

When you’ve found them all, you can 

draw a picture of your special person. 

SAD 

HAPPY 

WORRIED 

RELIEVED 

LONELY 

SCARED 

GUILTY 

NUMB 

SPACED OUT 

HURT 

TIRED 

SILLY 

ASHAMED 

SHOCKED 

SHY 

CONFUSED 

ANGRY 

what happy times feel like, just as it’s not always easy 

to remember how hot, summer days feel when it’s 20 

degrees outside. 

Just like the weather, there will be good days and bad days. 

We’ll have days when we want to play with our friends, and 

we’ll have days that are hard and we want to be alone. 

Eventually, we’ll have more good days than bad days. In 

the meantime, do things on those bad days that will help 

you feel better—ask for a hug, play with friends, look at 

pictures, draw or paint your own pictures, watch a favorite 

movie, or whatever works for you. 

Take care, 

Amalie 

A S H A M E D S S E D 

A Q I S K A L P I A N 

Y S H Y O N W A S C V 

W P J E D G G C D F G 

H M W O R R I E D A C 

G U I L T Y Q D H U O 

R O R T A Z T O A D N 

E L X T V L I U P E F 

L O Y L A D R T P O U 

I S H O C K E D Y T S 

E I M N S R D N S P E 

V L Q E P F R C U A D 

E L P L V B W H L M E 

D Y O Y S C A R E D B 


7

Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World

Create successful ePaper yourself

Delete template?

Save as template?