Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World

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Volume 18 / No. 4 / Winter 09 THIS ISSUE From The ediTor misguided “ground rules” oF grieF isn’T grieF CompliCaTed enough? Book review a Child’s view EDITOR Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC Director VOLUNTEER EDITOR Thelma Morris EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Felicia Dunlop-Stanley CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S Bereavement Coordinator Megan Davis, LISW-S School Liaison JoDee Coulter, MT-BC Bereavement Coordinator Amalie Clausen, MSSA, LSW Children’s Bereavement Coordinator A Publication of The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Winter is nearly here. We feel the cold as we move about from home to work to school to community. The snow blankets us and the winter months can bring a certain comfort during our time of grief. Be kind to yourself this December. The glitz and jingle of the season can be overwhelming, but know that there are others out there who have experienced the death of a loved one and are feeling a heavy heart this holiday season. You are not alone. Welcoming in the New Year can be anything but welcoming when you are grieving. For many, the season can be difficult. Others find that the New Year is a relief and look at it as a “fresh start.” Sometimes it seems unreal that time has marched on. We may have been used to counting the time since About Grief from the Editor our loved one died in weeks or months. Suddenly we are saying “my loved one died last year” and that can come as a shock. It is normal to feel afraid that your memories will fade: the reality is you will always hold the memory of your loved one in your heart. You will remember what you need to when you need it. We hope you enjoy this issue of About Grief. We encourage you to review the support group listings and hope you will attend. It is our wish that the upcoming year will bring you strength, hope and peace. We continue to be here with comfort and support. Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC (216) 486-6312 dscowan@hospicewr.org Visit The Bereavement Center's Blog at: http://bereavementcenter.blogspot.com C o m f o r t | H o p e | H e a l i n g 19201 Villaview Road | Cleveland, Ohio 44119-3064 | 216-486-6838 | 800-707-8922 | hospicewr.org 289132_AboutGrief.indd 1 10/29/09 11:57 AM
2 Misguided “Ground Rules” of Grief By Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S The death of someone close can lead us to expect and often receive wonderful support from the people in our lives. Sometimes however, grieving people discover that society has established “ground rules” that are not helpful in their grief journey. Some of these misguided notions include: Life should return to normal shortly after the funeral Grieving people often receive great support just after the loss, during the funeral and the days immediately following. However, friends return to their lives and may expect that the grieving person should as well. In reality, the first weeks after the death of a loved one are just the start of the grief journey. You must get rid of belongings immediately Well meaning family and friends may try to “help” by quickly going through the deceased’s belongings and packing them up to be discarded, feeling these will only add to the grief. In reality, many belongings of a loved one can bring great comfort to the one who is grieving. Men should not cry but women must Society often places restrictions on the way a person should grieve. Men are taught not to cry and to be strong. Therefore a man who openly weeps may be perceived as “weak.” Women who do not show tears may be seen as “cold.” In reality, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of gender. How you express your grief is as personal as the loss itself. The grief of a parent whose child has died trumps your grief Society often places hierarchical value on different types of loss. The loss of a pet may be seen as less meaningful than that of a sister. The death of a distant grandparent may be perceived as less important than that of a close friend. Consequently, many grievers are disenfranchised because society doesn’t recognize their loss as significant. In reality, every loss is significant and every person has a right to grieve. Widows/Widowers must give up their couple friends because they feel uncomfortable around you Sometimes a death can be a harsh reminder of your own mortality. Because of this, couple friends may consciously or unconsciously avoid the surviving spouse of a friend who has died. This can be very hurtful to the grieving person who needs their support now more than ever. You have exactly one year to get over this A person’s grief is as individual as his or her loss. There is no magic in reaching the milestone of one year. However, society seems to place great stock in the notion that “it’s been a year so you should be feeling better.” In reality, it may be just the beginning of the grief journey for some people. The nature of grief lies in the nature of the relationship one had with the person who died. The journey of grief is personal and can’t be directed by what others say. If you are grieving, know that it is ok for you to feel how you feel, regardless of the “ground rules” put in place by society. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, let them know that you want to help in ways that are most useful to them. If you don’t know how, ask. It is also wise to offer help in a way that is comfortable for you. Recognize your own limitations. Don’t promise things you cannot deliver. It is difficult to lose someone we love. Start by just being present and available. This may be the best gift you have to offer. The Vista Walk remember your loved one The Vista Walk is Hospice of the Western Reserve’s memorial garden brick pathway located on the shores of Lake Erie at Hospice House. Anyone who wishes to remember their loved one by purchasing a brick with a special inscription is invited to call (216) 383-3712 for more information. The Vista Walk at Hospice House is open for meditation and reflection. 289132_AboutGrief.indd 2 10/29/09 11:57 AM
Page 1: By JoDee Coulter, MT-BC 19201 Villa
Page 5 and 6: 4 Massage TherapY Providing Comfort
Page 7 and 8: 6 Healing Arts Workshops, Winter 09

Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World

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