Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World

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Misguided “Ground Rules” of Grief
By Laurie Mason, MSSA, LISW-S
The death of someone close can lead us to expect and often
receive wonderful support from the people in our lives.
Sometimes however, grieving people discover that society has
established “ground rules” that are not helpful in their grief
journey. Some of these misguided notions include:
Life should return to normal shortly after the funeral
Grieving people often receive great support just after the
loss, during the funeral and the days immediately following.
However, friends return to their lives and may expect that the
grieving person should as well. In reality, the first weeks after
the death of a loved one are just the start of the grief journey.
You must get rid of belongings immediately
Well meaning family and friends may try to “help” by quickly
going through the deceased’s belongings and packing them
up to be discarded, feeling these will only add to the grief.
In reality, many belongings of a loved one can bring great
comfort to the one who is grieving.
Men should not cry but women must
Society often places restrictions on the way a person should
grieve. Men are taught not to cry and to be strong. Therefore
a man who openly weeps may be perceived as “weak.” Women
who do not show tears may be seen as “cold.” In reality, there
is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of gender. How
you express your grief is as personal as the loss itself.
The grief of a parent whose child has died trumps your grief
Society often places hierarchical value on different types of
loss. The loss of a pet may be seen as less meaningful than
that of a sister. The death of a distant grandparent may
be perceived as less important than that of a close friend.
Consequently, many grievers are disenfranchised because
society doesn’t recognize their loss as significant. In
reality, every loss is significant and every person has a
right to grieve.
Widows/Widowers must give up their couple friends
because they feel uncomfortable around you
Sometimes a death can be a harsh reminder of your own
mortality. Because of this, couple friends may consciously or
unconsciously avoid the surviving spouse of a friend who has
died. This can be very hurtful to the grieving person who
needs their support now more than ever.
You have exactly one year to get over this
A person’s grief is as individual as his or her loss. There is no
magic in reaching the milestone of one year. However, society
seems to place great stock in the notion that “it’s been a year
so you should be feeling better.” In reality, it may be just the
beginning of the grief journey for some people. The nature
of grief lies in the nature of the relationship one had with the
person who died.
The journey of grief is personal and can’t be directed by
what others say. If you are grieving, know that it is ok for
you to feel how you feel, regardless of the “ground rules” put
in place by society. If you are supporting someone who is
grieving, let them know that you want to help in ways that
are most useful to them. If you don’t know how, ask. It is
also wise to offer help in a way that is comfortable for you.
Recognize your own limitations. Don’t promise things you
cannot deliver. It is difficult to lose someone we love. Start
by just being present and available. This may be the best
gift you have to offer.
The Vista Walk
remember your loved one
The Vista Walk is Hospice of the Western Reserve’s memorial
garden brick pathway located on the shores of Lake Erie at Hospice
House. Anyone who wishes to remember their loved one by
purchasing a brick with a special inscription is invited to call (216)
383-3712 for more information. The Vista Walk at Hospice House
is open for meditation and reflection.
289132_AboutGrief.indd 2 10/29/09 11:57 AM