The Outpost Vol 1 - The Royal Highland Fusiliers

10 THE OUTPOST.
Moustaches.
HOW TO GROW AND TRAIN THEM.
IN view of the fact that the Army Order
prohibiting the shaving of the upper lip is now
to be enforced, possibly a few hints from
"Moustache Regulations, I9I4" (Pale &
Golden, IQ /6) may be found useful to the men of
the Battalion. Few people realise that there is
an art in growing a r&1.lly beautiful hirsute
adornment. Nature unassisted may produce
hairs on the face, but before these hairs can
properly be called a moustache, the soldier
must take considerable pains and exercise much
patience if the best results are to be obtained.
In the first place, the upper lip should be
carefully cleaned morning and night for
three days. Vaseline and sand-paper applied
vigorously are best, and if the process hurts,
remember the motto of the Swedish Drill
instructors applies here: "If it did not hurt
it would be doing you no good." If part of
your face should be removed by the sandpaper,
remember that sick parade is at 8.30 a.m.
(All names to be given in at 7.T5.) On no
account use a file instead of sand-paper-files
are expensive and the metal is more useful in
other directions at present. After your face
has healed, watch carefully for the first signs of
the moustache, as the sprouting hairs are said
by the poets to be as beautiful and symbolical
as the shy crocus peeping from the earth in the
Spring. If you are able to perceive the hairs
on the fourth day without the magnifying glass,
do not be elated and do not expect to see them
growing. After a day or two, test the strength
of the moustache by striking a match on it.
lt is a good plan to measure the rate of growth,
and for this purpose use the back-sight of your
rifle. If the growth per diem amounts to half
the space between 300 and 400 yards, you have
every reason to hope. Should your moustache
grow more than one inch per day, apply for a
job at Pickard's Panopticon.
If the rate of growth does not satisfy you,
artificial fertilisation may be resorted to.
Collect some grease from a locomotive's
wheels, failing which, use the oil from the bolt
of your riile, and apply to the lip with a hard
scrubbing brush. Thereafter bathe the lip with
whisky, being careful not to swallow any of the
fluid. This latter exercise is verv difficult, for
if much of the alcohol is carelisslv imbibed,
you will be apt to lose all inter~st in the
moustache.
When you are certain your moustache has
grown one-fourth of an inch, you must decide
what colour you wish it to be, and its style.
There are three regulation colours :-black,
white and red. To get a black effect, rub with
dubbin before and after meals. For white,
use pipe clay, or if a military shade is required,
khaki blanco (6~d. at " Dunreggan ") may be
used. The red moustache is obtained by
staining with red ink, or preferably, port wine,
but only the best quality of the latter should be
used. With regard to style, the experts at
favour the straight or "right dress"
moustache. The ends should be pulled well out
and thoroughly soaped. The pulling out may
be done with the tongs, and good results can be
secured if you get a friend to help you. The
" U " shape is not fashionable now, and, if you
adopt it, you may be mistaken for the Kaiser.
Do not on any account grow a drooping
moustache; it has a very depressing effect on
observers, and makes one look like a love-"ick
walrus.
Lip drill assists the growth. Go to the
parade ground before retiring to bed and prone
fall, then go through the fo]Jowing exercise in
three motions
Bring the upper lip smartly over the nose.
Carry it to right and left until it touches the
ears.
Return to its natural position.
If this exercise hurts, remember it shows that
it is doing you good. Should you be arrested
during the exercise for being drunk and
incapable, you may expect seven days' hard
labour, as your explanation will not be accepted.
If your moustache does not show any signs of
appearing after l'''l''':',lding with the foregoing
methods for a you should leave the
Army and join the "y -uwcnv1"'" you will
probably get continuous extra drill for shaving
the upper lip.
Notes.-Abstain absolutely from osculation
during the period of moustache training. Be
careful that the moustache does not grow
inwards-it might choke you in your sleep.
M. 1..
Sing about the little daisies,
Some old kindergarten song;
Of the busy bees abuzzing
Down glades trimmed with pink chiffon.
Sing the ancient minstrel ditties,
\Vhiskered things we've heard before,
But for heaven's pity spare us
Those patriotic songs of war.
t t t
Tirpitz didn't succeed in giving Yorkshire the
Seydlitz powder. He got a few British pills to keep
him going.
~. t t
The Lieutenants in the German army are called
Loot-tenants by those who know the blighters best.