The Outpost Vol 1 - The Royal Highland Fusiliers

36 THE OUTPOST.
The Gem o/Our Letter Bag.
DEAR EDITOR,
I feel I must jolly-well congratulate
vou on your beastly, awfully ripping paper, but
that is not what makes me honour you with
this letter. The fact is, I am overflowing with
indignation. The trouble started this way~
I was in the Pater's office in St. Vincent Place
-swing doors, private rooms, and all that sort
of thing. He, the bounder that he is, had been
interfering with me a bit too much, you know,
telling me I should have to be less generous with
my week-ends, declaring that Thursday night
till Tuesday morning was not going to do; and
all this before an old blighter of a Head Clerk,
even although he has LL.B. and all that sort
of rot after his name; the blighter-he's a
darned nuisance with his: "I promise faithfully
not to touch strong drink-" and:" I am
not ashamed-." Ignorance! and he's over
fifty, too, and has a family! Shame 1
\Vell, one morning as I was having a coffee
with Reggie-you know, he won the hurdles in
1912-when he, Reggie of course, produced a
letter he had received from a pal who had
joined the Chamber of Commerce Battalion.
He showed me it, and when I read that: "We
are having the time of our lives here," and
" there is a jolly fine canteen here" and" we
were down at Ayr last Saturday and struck a
great pair-" I thought to myself: "I'll pay
out the gov'nor! I'll leave his bally office and
enlist." I went and told the old man of my
intentions, and instead of gushing over me with
entreaties to stay, he took my hand-the
stupid old beggar-saying: .. Bertie, you are
worthy of me after all. ] oin, and do your part
for your country. And God bless you l" I
said" Not so much of the' God blessing,' Dad,
I am only going down to Troon !" The old
stumour, talking as if I were blooming-well
going to be fighting, real fighting~like the
rugby scrum at school-only with guns and yon
beastly rotten jaggy things, you know, bayonets,
I think you call 'em. Well, now came the
trouble. I joined and was sent down here to
Troon. I arrlved safely and was promptly
billeted, and h'ere was my first disappointment.
\Vould you believe it, I was put to share a
bedroom with another chap, decent enough, I
suppose; Glasgow Academy, or something of
that sort-but still I had only once before
shared a baBy bed. The food, too, was awfully
disheartening. Why, I havn't seen an oyster,
a quail, or even a saucy old turbot on the table
since I came down; and, as for a glass of lager?
well, let me just leave it at this~that only
yesterday I brought in a bottle of Bass and left
it lying after I had finished. When I came in
for tea, I was greeted with: .. Mr. Montmorency,
I am sorry, but I have never allowed
my husband even to talk about a bottle in my
house, so if you are going to drink in it you'll
have to look elsewhere." But it's not only the
bed and food-why, since I came down, I
havn't had a decent holiday, only a day now
and again. Not long ago, I DID go away for a
few days, and when I came back can you guess
what happened ?-why, they had the blighted
nerve to tell me I shouldn't have gone, and also
that I would be confined to the Guard Room
for seven days. Oh, those seven days! I
can't sav whether it is because there is no
fiat racing or not, but it was: "I'll try four! "
"Try abundance, you lucky devill" or
"It's a nap you had, Iky l" the whole
day and night. If Dad had only seen me then,
for you know, I did take a hand, devil that I
am, and lost: went nap with Queen, seven, six!
What drill we do get! They get us over to
that blest Polo Ground, and no sooner have they
formed us in" fours" than they form us" two
deep:" They give us " quick march" and no
sooner are the words out of their mouths than
they give us "Halt!" Stupids! You
daren't smoke a bally fag, or wet your lips with
blooming water, but some rotter of a chap,
who likely doesn't know the difference between
a White Horse and a Red Label, comes
up, and, well, stops you. If he has three
stripes he says: "You had better drop that or
there'll be trouble if anybody sees you." If he
has one stripe he says: "What's your name?
I'll see you brought before the officer." They
do have queer notions down here.
I'll have to close now, but before I do, let me
tell you this: About a week ago, we were given
a halt, and, as I happened to be close to an
officer-only a Lieutenant, but with enough
swank for a Second-Lieutenant who has been
in the ranks--I approached him and took him
by the arm, you know, and asked him: "What
the devil do you think's on to-day, Sonny? "
He turned round to me, and, after giving me a
look such as made me take my bearings to see
if I were still above ground, took me before a
Captain ] ohnny, and I got two hours extra
drill; why, I don't know yet!
But, now, don't you jolly-well think I have
something to be blessed-well indignant about?
Me coming down here for a bit of sport! Well!
Well I ! Would to Heaven there were signs of
peace in the papers to-night 1 That bad man
of a Kaiser 1 He's a~a rotter, he is 1
Yours" until the khaki comes,"
R. ST. CLAIR DE MONTMORENCY.
(LORETTO).