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herlife | mother’s perspective
Cutting the Apron Strings
How to Raise Happy, Healthy, Independent Kids
by chandra blackwell
If you’re a parent, you know what it’s like
to wish for more sleep, more time and
sometimes more patience. But one thing
a parent hardly ever has to wish for is more
advice...or criticism. Turn one direction and
overprotective (a.k.a. “helicopter”) parents
are being criticized for shielding their
children from even the most minor difficulty
or discomfort and creating, in some minds,
a nation of wimps. Turn the other way, and
mouths stand agape at the concept of freerange
kids, a term coined and popularized
by (in)famous mom Lenore Skenazy, who
allowed her nine-year-old son to navigate the
New York subway system alone. No matter
where you fall on the spectrum, you may
Where is
the happy
medium?
be wondering: where is the happy medium?
How can you cut the apron strings in a
timely and appropriate way, so that your kids
grow up happy, healthy, and confident—but
also safe? The truth is that most kids grow up
way too quickly for a parent’s comfort, but
with a little effort and some deep breathing,
you can support your kids without “hovering,”
and encourage their independence and
self-reliance without leaving them to the
wolves.
Toddlers (1-4)
Resist the Urge to Rescue
As parents, we have a built-in protective
instinct that can make it difficult not to
swoop in and save the day when we see
our children struggling. And sometimes,
of course, that’s appropriate; if
your toddler’s shoelace gets caught
in a sewer grate and there’s a
garbage truck coming, it’s probably
best to do what it takes
to get him out of the street
(and out of harm’s way) as
quickly as possible. However,
if he’s merely struggling
to put his pajamas on by
himself, it’s okay to offer
encouragement from
the sidelines while
he figures it out
on his own, even
if he gets a little
frustrated. It may
quite literally
require sitting on
your own hands
to do it, but encouraging a toddler to work
out his own dilemma can help him begin to
develop a healthy sense of self-reliance.
Big Kids (5-8)
Decisions, Decisions
Even as adults, we depend on others;
very few of us, for example, produce
all of our own food, manufacture our own
vehicles or cut our own hair (more than
once, anyway). So of course, your child will
continue to depend on you to meet certain
basic needs, such as keeping her fed and getting
her to the doctor and to soccer games.
However, at this stage of her development,
she should not be too reliant on others for
making basic decisions; while she may rely
on you to provide advice or perspective, she
should be making her own choices in many
situations. As a parent, you can encourage
more independence in your “big kid”
by allowing her to make simple, everyday
decisions on her own: which clothes to
wear (you can intervene to make sure she’s
dressed appropriately for the weather, but
may have to turn a blind eye to some aesthetic
choices), what to order in a restaurant
or which of Kafka’s works best speaks to the
existential dilemma. What’s important here
is that she’s becoming more confident using
her own judgment as she moves toward
more independence.
Pre-teens (8-12)
Talk About It
At this stage, your child’s worldview–
and sphere of influence–has expanded
well beyond the nucleus of your home and
32 HERLIFEnewyork.com