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New Visions of Manhood<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
The <strong>Magazine</strong> of The Men’s Resource Center for change<br />
fall 2005<br />
DOUBLE<br />
PLAY<br />
Gabe and Lisa Kapler<br />
Take the Field Against<br />
Domestic Violence<br />
INSIDE:<br />
l 10 Ways Men Can Challenge Abuse l Preventing Prostate Cancer l Saying Yes <strong>to</strong> Nonviolence
From The Edi<strong>to</strong>r<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
A Call <strong>to</strong> Men:<br />
From Bystanders <strong>to</strong> Activists<br />
By Rob Okun<br />
The transformation in consciousness<br />
that <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
and its publisher, the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change,<br />
have long advocated—that<br />
men who reject the culture of violence<br />
shift their role from men-as-bystanders<br />
<strong>to</strong> men-taking-action—just got a muchneeded<br />
power surge.<br />
More than 300 men and women from<br />
around the country spent two days in<br />
New York City attending “A Call <strong>to</strong> Men:<br />
Becoming Part of the Solution <strong>to</strong> End<br />
Violence Against Women.” The conference,<br />
held at John Jay College at the end<br />
of September, was organized by a new<br />
organization, the National Association of<br />
Men and Women Committed <strong>to</strong> Ending<br />
Violence Against Women (www.acall<strong>to</strong>men.org).<br />
The name may be long but its<br />
founders, Tony Porter, Ted Bunch, and<br />
Brenda Ross, want <strong>to</strong> make sure people<br />
understand precisely what their group is<br />
all about—men taking responsibility <strong>to</strong><br />
end violence against women and doing so<br />
by working alongside women whose leadership<br />
they acknowledge and respect.<br />
An energy of possibility and hope<br />
emanated from the gathering. Attendees,<br />
slightly more women then men, included<br />
key staff from state agencies and nonprofit<br />
organizations working <strong>to</strong> prevent<br />
sexual assault and domestic violence.<br />
They networked, exchanged business<br />
cards, shared resources. They made concrete<br />
the growing phenomenon of collaboration<br />
between men and women that<br />
the Men’s Resource Center for Change<br />
and <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> have long championed<br />
(see article on page 10).<br />
In their engaging presentation, Porter<br />
and Bunch offered a primer on the damaging<br />
effects of male socialization, peppered<br />
with anecdotes from their personal<br />
lives. Each man wasn’t afraid <strong>to</strong> reveal<br />
some of his foibles, places where conventional<br />
ideas about men and manhood<br />
“As men we need <strong>to</strong> find our voices and no longer<br />
settle for being bystanders <strong>to</strong> a movement for justice—<br />
for women, for men, for all of us.”<br />
still have a hold on them.<br />
Porter shared a sobering example of<br />
one of the organization’s beliefs: Wellmeaning<br />
men’s silence about other men’s<br />
violence gives permission <strong>to</strong> men <strong>to</strong> act<br />
violently. As an older teen he failed <strong>to</strong> act<br />
when he witnessed a mentally delayed<br />
teenage girl being repeatedly sexually<br />
assaulted at a party. Caught between<br />
his awareness that what was going on<br />
was not consensual sex but rape, and<br />
his desire <strong>to</strong> maintain status among<br />
his peers, he described how he not<br />
only didn’t intervene but actually falsely<br />
conveyed <strong>to</strong> his peers that he, <strong>to</strong>o, had<br />
participated. The young woman, he said,<br />
had no value <strong>to</strong> him yet; his peers did.<br />
His s<strong>to</strong>ry had a powerful effect on the<br />
mostly older conference audience—it’s a<br />
must-tell s<strong>to</strong>ry for student audiences.<br />
As men of color, Porter and Bunch<br />
brought <strong>to</strong> their talk a profound understanding<br />
of male privilege, both as men<br />
who have it and as African-Americans<br />
who don’t. Moreover, their discussion of<br />
the epidemic of men’s violence against<br />
women drew strength from their articulation<br />
of the parallels between how racism<br />
and sexism play out in men’s and<br />
women’s lives. Among their insights: the<br />
awareness that the movement <strong>to</strong> end<br />
violence against women won’t “be doing<br />
its best work until the voices of women<br />
of color are heard.”<br />
Among those also speaking at the<br />
conference was anti-porn activist Robert<br />
Jensen, a frequent contribu<strong>to</strong>r <strong>to</strong> <strong>Voice</strong><br />
<strong>Male</strong> and a professor at the University<br />
of Texas at Austin. In a blistering report<br />
on the mainstreaming of pornography,<br />
Jensen sought <strong>to</strong> draw the connection<br />
between the degraded ways women are<br />
treated in the porn world and the violence<br />
perpetrated against them by men<br />
who feel a sense of ownership, privilege,<br />
and entitlement.<br />
In the porn world, Jensen said,<br />
“women are reduced <strong>to</strong> three holes and<br />
two hands.” He despaired over the growing<br />
societal acceptance of porn, from<br />
awards ceremonies in Las Vegas modeled<br />
on the Oscars, <strong>to</strong> the sheer volume of<br />
pornographic videos being produced—<br />
“11,000 new hard-core porn tapes a<br />
year.” A conservative estimate is that $10<br />
billion a year is spent on the porn industry,<br />
Jensen reported. “Pornographers may<br />
be able <strong>to</strong> deliver an inexpensive orgasm<br />
but they can’t deliver joy,” he reminded<br />
his audience.<br />
Like the organizers of “A Call <strong>to</strong><br />
Men,” like the Men’s Resource Center<br />
for Change, like <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>’s ongoing<br />
commitment <strong>to</strong> report on new visions<br />
of manhood, Jensen, Porter, and Bunch<br />
model what is possible when as men we<br />
find our voices and no longer settle for<br />
being bystanders <strong>to</strong> a movement for justice<br />
for women, for men, for children, for<br />
all of us on our endangered planet. There<br />
are many places along the continuum of<br />
social change for men <strong>to</strong> join in; looking<br />
inward, at home, in our relationships,<br />
pushing past our resistance <strong>to</strong> examine<br />
our privilege, is a rich place <strong>to</strong> begin. VM<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> edi<strong>to</strong>r Rob Okun can be reached<br />
at raokun@mrcforchange.org.<br />
2
Table of Contents<br />
Features<br />
Double Play: Gabe and Lisa Kapler Take<br />
the Field Against Domestic Violence .......8<br />
By Rob Okun<br />
Why Men and Women Must Work<br />
Together <strong>to</strong> End Domestic Violence .....10<br />
By Marian Kent<br />
The Long Road Back From Abuse .......12<br />
By Rob Okun<br />
Columns & Opinion<br />
From the Edi<strong>to</strong>r. .........................2<br />
Mail Bonding. ...........................4<br />
Men @ Work. ............................5<br />
ColorLines. .............................14<br />
Lessons From Grand-Jack<br />
By Haji Shearer<br />
OutLines ...............................18<br />
On The Border: A Eunuch’s Tale<br />
By Richard Wassersug<br />
GBQ Resources .........................19<br />
Men’s Health ...........................20<br />
What Men Can Do: Preventing<br />
Prostate and Testicular Cancer<br />
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22<br />
Calendar ...............................24<br />
Thank You. .............................26<br />
MRC Programs & Services. ..............27<br />
Cover Pho<strong>to</strong> by Julie Cordeiro.<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Edi<strong>to</strong>r – Rob Okun<br />
Managing Edi<strong>to</strong>r – Michael Burke<br />
Designer – Mary Zyskowski<br />
Ad Sales – Susan Craig<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood...<br />
Men overcoming isolation...<br />
No matter how you describe it,<br />
we’re all in uncharted waters <strong>to</strong>day trying <strong>to</strong><br />
understand contemporary men and masculinity.<br />
Ride the waves of changing ideas about men<br />
with <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> <strong>to</strong> keep your balance.<br />
Four issues. Delivered <strong>to</strong> Your Door.<br />
$19.95<br />
Send a Holiday Gift Subscription <strong>to</strong> someone ready <strong>to</strong><br />
read about masculinity redefined...Only $14.95.<br />
VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant<br />
St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed <strong>to</strong> donors and<br />
subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and<br />
distributed at select locations around New England.<br />
The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not<br />
represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or<br />
members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.<br />
Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413)<br />
253-9887, ext. 16, or go <strong>to</strong> www.mrcforchange.org and<br />
follow the links <strong>to</strong> subscribe <strong>to</strong> VOICE MALE.<br />
Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates<br />
and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 25.<br />
Submissions: The edi<strong>to</strong>rs welcome letters, articles,<br />
news items, article ideas and queries, and information<br />
about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited<br />
manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss.<br />
Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded<br />
<strong>to</strong> and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed<br />
stamped return envelope. Send articles and queries <strong>to</strong><br />
Edi<strong>to</strong>rs, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst,<br />
MA 01002, or e-mail <strong>to</strong> voicemale@mrcforchange.org.<br />
your Name:<br />
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Phone (optional):<br />
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r 4 issues: $19.95 r gift subscription: $14.95<br />
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FALL 2005 •<br />
3
Mail Bonding<br />
We Want <strong>to</strong> Hear from You!<br />
Write us at:<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
MRC<br />
236 North Pleasant St.<br />
Amherst, MA 01002<br />
or Fax (413) 253-4801<br />
voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
Please include address and phone. Letters<br />
may be edited for clarity and length.<br />
Deadline for Winter issue:<br />
November 25, 2005<br />
Brains<strong>to</strong>rming for Change<br />
I received my first issue of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> and<br />
wanted <strong>to</strong> drop a line <strong>to</strong> voice my enthusiasm<br />
at discovering this community of<br />
men working <strong>to</strong>ward positive change. Two<br />
other men and I, one School of Public<br />
and Environmental Affairs graduate school<br />
intern and one social work major, have<br />
scheduled a meeting at our place of work<br />
and have invited all the men that work<br />
there <strong>to</strong> join us in brains<strong>to</strong>rming and spitballing<br />
ideas about what we’d like <strong>to</strong> see<br />
in a men’s group and what functions we’d<br />
like it <strong>to</strong> serve. I don’t (yet) know a lot<br />
about the Men’s Resource Center but so far<br />
it looks like just the thing our community<br />
needs, and my two cents will include a<br />
pitch <strong>to</strong> at the very least explore the work<br />
the MRC for Change and <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> do as<br />
a point of departure.<br />
Curtis Swedran<br />
Blooming<strong>to</strong>n, Ind.<br />
communities of sex, religion, skin color,<br />
sexual behavior: we used <strong>to</strong> talk about the<br />
“French pattern of integration.” Any kind<br />
of difference was not <strong>to</strong> concern public and<br />
global matters but was relegated <strong>to</strong> private<br />
life. But for several years, this pattern has<br />
been facing a crisis. The American pattern<br />
of community is settling in<strong>to</strong> our French<br />
society, which is a cause of fear among the<br />
intellectuals: a dangerous “social fracture”<br />
appeared, resulting in an individualization<br />
of interest, putting people in<strong>to</strong> locked<br />
drawers depending on their real, desired,<br />
or imagined affinities.<br />
The sense of exclusion dramatically<br />
increased: a vicious form of exclusion,<br />
neither admitted nor faced, whose victims<br />
are mainly immigrants and their children,<br />
women and youth.<br />
Will society take its people more in<strong>to</strong><br />
account if they are joining a community<br />
in which they recognize themselves,<br />
their problems and their wishes? People<br />
suffering from exclusion believe in this<br />
new power of community action, through<br />
which they feel less alone. But in fact this<br />
evolution is deeply questioning everyone’s<br />
complex identity and the paradoxical need<br />
of recognition in an excluding society.<br />
We are not only male or female, black or<br />
white, educated or not, heterosexual, bisexual<br />
or homosexual or any kind of difference<br />
some may create <strong>to</strong> separate humans.<br />
Dividing has always been the best way <strong>to</strong><br />
rule. We don’t belong <strong>to</strong> just one or two<br />
drawers—we are the whole chest of drawers.<br />
As citizens in a given society, we should<br />
feel concerned by the major issues our<br />
society faces. Therefore we have <strong>to</strong> face our<br />
political responsibility with our votes, our<br />
voices. That will lead us <strong>to</strong> more constructive<br />
directions than taking on a constant<br />
position of victim. We are ac<strong>to</strong>rs, but only if<br />
we all choose <strong>to</strong> be part of this world.<br />
I am still skeptical about limited community<br />
actions, which <strong>to</strong> me separate<br />
people from each other on the basis of fake<br />
or created differences. I still believe there<br />
is another way <strong>to</strong> manage our differences,<br />
so we can live all <strong>to</strong>gether. But I wish <strong>to</strong><br />
give <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> my support for your global<br />
action, because whatever males’ issues are,<br />
I make them mine as I make the choice<br />
<strong>to</strong> be a responsible citizen, a responsible<br />
person in a shared world. VM<br />
Adelaide Donon<br />
Paris, France<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
The Global Chest of Drawers<br />
I received <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> through my good<br />
friend Gretchen Craig and read it with<br />
much interest, as a young sociologist who<br />
has just spent several months studying the<br />
process of implicit discrimination <strong>to</strong>ward<br />
immigrants in a Paris neighborhood.<br />
At first, I was surprised by the magazine’s<br />
point of view, in which I see a sense of community<br />
that is different from the French<br />
notion. Traditionally in France we have<br />
tried not <strong>to</strong> separate our population in<strong>to</strong><br />
4
Men @ Work<br />
A Blog for the “Uncommon Man”<br />
The Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change and Men’s Resources<br />
International are collaborating on a<br />
new project—“The Uncommon Man,” a<br />
regularly updated pro-feminist weblog<br />
exploring issues of being a man through<br />
the lenses of science, politics, pop<br />
culture, and people’s personal experiences<br />
and opinions. The site is located<br />
at the Men’s Resources International<br />
website and is overseen by MRC associate<br />
direc<strong>to</strong>r Russell Bradbury-Carlin.<br />
Recent posts include articles on how<br />
use of lap<strong>to</strong>ps may lower your sperm<br />
count, whether fathers can get postpartum<br />
depression, the issue of rape<br />
in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, and<br />
“Training Husbands Like Dogs.” Check<br />
out this new blog at: http://uncommonman.mensresourcesinternational.org/.<br />
Marriage Stress During Wartime<br />
The institution of marriage appears <strong>to</strong><br />
be yet another casualty of the military<br />
conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.<br />
The U.S. Army says that compared with<br />
2003, last year’s divorce rate among officers<br />
was up 78 percent, and up 28 percent<br />
for enlisted personnel. Although the<br />
fac<strong>to</strong>rs that affect the divorce rate among<br />
military couples are similar <strong>to</strong> those for<br />
non-military divorce rates, the situations<br />
can be more acute.<br />
According <strong>to</strong> Seetha Narayan, author<br />
of the forthcoming Complete Idiot’s Guide<br />
<strong>to</strong> Long-Distance Relationships, there are<br />
four primary stresses that contribute <strong>to</strong><br />
divorce among military couples:<br />
Finances. Young military couples tend<br />
<strong>to</strong> have less financial experience, and<br />
many go in<strong>to</strong> debt during their military<br />
service. It helps <strong>to</strong> have a financial plan<br />
early on, so couples can avoid unnecessary<br />
tension.<br />
Communication issues. Communication<br />
about everyday matters is most helpful<br />
when it’s about achievements and other<br />
news, less helpful when it’s about daily<br />
problems and issues that the deployed<br />
partner may find a jarring disconnect<br />
Peaceful Images<br />
365 Days of the Year<br />
he 2006 Peace Calendar is a stunning collection of images from the natural<br />
environment produced by nature pho<strong>to</strong>grapher and psychotherapist<br />
T<br />
Charlie Hertan (also an occasional <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> contributing writer). “In addition<br />
<strong>to</strong> Charlie’s breathtaking pho<strong>to</strong>graphs, the calendar features quotes from<br />
Howard Zinn, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Noam Chomsky, among others,”<br />
according <strong>to</strong> Michael Dover, development direc<strong>to</strong>r of the Men’s Resource Center<br />
for Change. To see images from it, go <strong>to</strong> www.charliehertanpho<strong>to</strong>graphy.com.<br />
Charlie has selected the Men’s Resource Center for Change as sole recipient of<br />
proceeds from calendar sales which retail for $15. To find out how you can sell<br />
a few, or <strong>to</strong> simply buy one for yourself, Dover advises contacting the MRC’s<br />
Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or gcraig@mrcforchange.org.<br />
from the stresses of the battlefield.<br />
Infidelity. Infidelity, or worry about it,<br />
is a common stress in military marriages.<br />
A soldier is less likely <strong>to</strong> cheat if there is<br />
no his<strong>to</strong>ry of infidelity in his or her family,<br />
and the unit commander and fellow<br />
soldiers set high standards of conduct. It<br />
helps <strong>to</strong> discuss ground rules and expectations<br />
about fidelity before a partner is<br />
deployed.<br />
Abuse. The outbreak of domestic violence<br />
upon reintegration with the family<br />
can shatter a marriage. Data have shown<br />
that a positive resolution for both husband<br />
and wife is more likely when the<br />
violence is reported and the unit commander<br />
gets involved.<br />
Narayan’s book is scheduled for release<br />
November 1.<br />
“I Will Not Kill” Campaign<br />
As recruiting numbers fall, the<br />
U.S. military is stepping up<br />
efforts <strong>to</strong> entice youth <strong>to</strong> join its ranks.<br />
Meanwhile, a new “I Will Not Kill” campaign<br />
is an effort <strong>to</strong> educate youth about<br />
the reality of war and their right <strong>to</strong> say<br />
no <strong>to</strong> killing.<br />
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign aims<br />
<strong>to</strong> educate high school and college age<br />
youth, especially youth of color and<br />
youth in rural and impoverished white<br />
communities. Among its goals: raising<br />
awareness about war resistance, educating<br />
youth about the impacts of war,<br />
opposing a future draft, dismantling the<br />
selective service system and promoting a<br />
culture of life. In addition, it promotes<br />
continued on page 6<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
5
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Men @ Work<br />
Men @ Work continued from page 5<br />
conscientious objection <strong>to</strong> war as a positive<br />
alternative <strong>to</strong> violence and a way <strong>to</strong><br />
strengthen and uplift communities and<br />
all of civil society.<br />
A conscientious objec<strong>to</strong>r is a person<br />
who objects <strong>to</strong> participation in all forms<br />
of war and whose stance is based on an<br />
ethical, moral, or religious belief system.<br />
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign stresses<br />
that <strong>to</strong> be a CO, one does not have <strong>to</strong> be<br />
a pacifist or believe in God. Neither does<br />
one have <strong>to</strong> oppose the use of violence<br />
in personal self-defense, but one must<br />
oppose participating in all wars.<br />
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign is sponsored<br />
by the Fellowship of Reconciliation.<br />
For more information on the campaign,<br />
go <strong>to</strong> http://www.iwillnotkill.org/ or<br />
http://www.forusa.org/. For more information<br />
about CO registration, see the<br />
I<br />
Art Exhibit and<br />
Auction <strong>to</strong> Benefit MRC<br />
nterested in supporting men’s<br />
work? You may want <strong>to</strong> attend an<br />
upcoming art exhibit and auction <strong>to</strong><br />
benefit the Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change, <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>’s publisher. “This is<br />
an exhibit and auction for everyone.”<br />
said Gretchen Craig, an auction organizer.<br />
“If you’re interested in buying<br />
beautiful holiday gifts and supporting<br />
the MRC at the same time, you’ll want<br />
<strong>to</strong> bid on the great art, pottery, pho<strong>to</strong>graphy,<br />
wearable art, and other pieces<br />
we have at the exhibit,” Craig said.<br />
The exhibit, at the A.P.E. Gallery at<br />
Thornes Marketplace, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
Mass., will be up for silent auction<br />
bidding beginning November 29 and<br />
continuing through the live auction<br />
Saturday evening, December 3. The<br />
exhibit will feature works by scores<br />
of well-known artists including Barry<br />
Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie,<br />
Robin Freedenfeld, Jane Lund, Jane<br />
Dyer, and Clemens Kalischer, among<br />
many others. To learn more about<br />
the exhibit and art auction, contact<br />
Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or<br />
gcraig@mrcforchange.org.<br />
informative PDF from the Center on Conscience<br />
& War at http://www.centeronconscience.org/literature/COandDraft.<br />
pdf or go <strong>to</strong> http://www.objec<strong>to</strong>r.org/<br />
website and newsletter/.<br />
Batterer Intervention Coming of Age<br />
While the concept is no doubt<br />
familiar <strong>to</strong> many readers of <strong>Voice</strong><br />
<strong>Male</strong>, the field of batterer intervention is<br />
relatively new within the bigger picture<br />
of domestic violence intervention and<br />
prevention. There are many ways of<br />
approaching this work, which has also<br />
led <strong>to</strong> controversies and tensions within<br />
the DV universe. Many questions remain<br />
without clear answers, including: How do<br />
you define success? Is it a success when<br />
the batterer is not arrested again, or only<br />
when he is completely free of controlling<br />
behaviors? Can women be batterers, and<br />
what type of treatment should be offered<br />
<strong>to</strong> them? Is there a one-size-fits-all model<br />
of batterer intervention, or is it appropriate<br />
<strong>to</strong> have different models for those of<br />
different cultures?<br />
The first major batterers’ intervention<br />
conference in many years, “From<br />
Roots <strong>to</strong> Wings: The Future of Batterer<br />
Intervention” convenes in Detroit in<br />
November. The conference is designed<br />
<strong>to</strong> explore some of the above issues and<br />
others and <strong>to</strong> be a gathering of voices<br />
from the DV work community. Staff<br />
from the Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change’s Moving Forward program are<br />
presenting two workshops on follow-up<br />
and partner programs. Look for news of<br />
the gathering in an upcoming issue of<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>.<br />
The conference runs November 2–4 at the<br />
Detroit Marriott at the Renaissance Center.<br />
For more information, see the Calendar section<br />
on page 24, or go <strong>to</strong> http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference.<br />
html, e-mail dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org,<br />
or call (517) 482-3933.<br />
More Accurate Prostate Testing?<br />
Ablood test revealing the body’s<br />
natural defense against malignant<br />
cells offers doc<strong>to</strong>rs a clue in more accurately<br />
detecting prostate cancer, the New<br />
England Journal of Medicine reported at<br />
the end of September. If further studies<br />
indicate the initial test is accurate it could<br />
replace the standard diagnostic procedure,<br />
which is wrong up <strong>to</strong> four fifths<br />
of the time. Kenneth Pienta, professor of<br />
medicine and urology at the University<br />
of Michigan in Ann Arbor, says the new<br />
test can use the same blood sample<br />
provided for the more conventional PSA<br />
test. It correctly spotted 82 percent of<br />
prostate tumors and accurately ruled out<br />
cancer 88 percent of the time.<br />
Promoting Strength, Not Violence,<br />
for Young Men<br />
Anew campaign in California seeks<br />
<strong>to</strong> engage young men aged 14–18<br />
and make them part of a solution <strong>to</strong> prevent<br />
sexual violence. The “MyStrength<br />
Campaign,” a multimillion-dollar initiative<br />
unveiled in Sacramen<strong>to</strong> in September,<br />
is a project of the California Coalition<br />
Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA), a<br />
statewide organization working <strong>to</strong> end<br />
sexual violence.<br />
The largest campaign of its kind in the<br />
United States, according <strong>to</strong> CALCASA, the<br />
MyStrength Campaign centers around the<br />
theme, “My Strength Is Not for Hurting,”<br />
emphasizing healthy relationships and<br />
empowering young men <strong>to</strong> maintain their<br />
strength and masculinity without using<br />
coercion, intimidation, force, or violence.<br />
The campaign seeks <strong>to</strong> encourage men <strong>to</strong><br />
play a vital role in creating a safe environment<br />
for their relationships and reinforces<br />
the idea that men can put an end <strong>to</strong> sexual<br />
violence.<br />
“The MyStrength Campaign is an<br />
important step forward in sexual violence<br />
prevention because it proactively engages<br />
men as a part of the solution,” said<br />
Ellen Yin-Wycoff, CALCASA’s interim<br />
executive direc<strong>to</strong>r. “The campaign is<br />
careful <strong>to</strong> not blame young men for sexual<br />
violence, but rather enlists their help in<br />
prevention efforts and encourages them<br />
<strong>to</strong> take responsibility and find solutions.<br />
6
Ultimately, sexual violence can be prevented<br />
and men can make a difference in<br />
ending rape.”<br />
Ac<strong>to</strong>r Dorian Gregory, from TV’s<br />
Charmed, Soul Train, and The Other Half,<br />
was on hand at the campaign’s launch <strong>to</strong><br />
lend his support <strong>to</strong> the prevention effort.<br />
“The MyStrength Campaign [is] important<br />
because [it is] truly taking sexual<br />
violence education <strong>to</strong> the next level by<br />
involving young men in a solution,” said<br />
Gregory. “It’s crucial that men demonstrate<br />
strength of character in their relationships,<br />
rather than apply their strength<br />
and masculinity <strong>to</strong> physical domination<br />
and force. By using strength for respect<br />
and maintaining healthy relationships,<br />
we will make a giant step <strong>to</strong>ward solving<br />
this serious issue.”<br />
For more information, log on <strong>to</strong><br />
http://www.calcasa.org or http://www.<br />
mystrength.org.<br />
Teaching Boys What Not <strong>to</strong> Hit<br />
The Family Violence Prevention Fund<br />
(FVPF) has unveiled a new series<br />
of television and radio public service<br />
announcements encouraging men <strong>to</strong> communicate<br />
<strong>to</strong> boys that violence against<br />
women is wrong.<br />
Part of the organization’s “Coaching<br />
Boys in<strong>to</strong> Men” initiative, the PSAs focus<br />
on the role men can play in shaping boys’<br />
attitudes <strong>to</strong>ward women and girls. The<br />
campaign targets men, including fathers,<br />
coaches, teachers, uncles, brothers and<br />
men<strong>to</strong>rs, who spend time with preteen<br />
and teenage boys.<br />
The “Father and Son” spot will feature<br />
vignettes of a father and son playing different<br />
sports <strong>to</strong>gether with the narra<strong>to</strong>r<br />
saying, “You taught him how <strong>to</strong> hit the<br />
strike zone, a nine-iron, the net, the<br />
open man.” At the end, a narra<strong>to</strong>r says,<br />
“But how much time have you spent<br />
teaching him what not <strong>to</strong> hit?” It uses the<br />
tag line, “All Violence Against Women Is<br />
Wrong. Teach Early.” The radio version is<br />
available in Spanish and English. The TV<br />
spot is only in English.<br />
“We hope men’s organizations and initiatives<br />
will use the PSAs as part of<br />
Domestic Violence Awareness Month campaigns<br />
and other outreach efforts,” said<br />
the Family Violence Prevention Fund’s<br />
Juan Carlos Areán. Groups interested in<br />
receiving free copies of the PSAs and an<br />
accompanying media kit <strong>to</strong> reach major<br />
media outlets should contact the FVPF’s<br />
Leiana Kinnicutt at (415) 252-8900 ext<br />
15 or leiana@endabuse.org. VM<br />
MRC for Change<br />
on the Web:<br />
Surf Our Turf (Again)!<br />
New look, new logo—<br />
same innovative programs!<br />
www.mrcforchange.org<br />
(www.mensresourcecenter.org<br />
will still bring you <strong>to</strong> our site)<br />
Men @ Work<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
7
DOUBLE<br />
PLAY<br />
Gabe and Lisa Kapler<br />
Take the Field Against<br />
Domestic Violence<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
BY<br />
ROB OKUN<br />
G<br />
abe Kapler has been saying<br />
no <strong>to</strong> domestic abuse<br />
for a long time. Taking<br />
that stance, the Bos<strong>to</strong>n<br />
Red Sox outfielder says,<br />
was a natural outgrowth of the values<br />
he was raised with by activist parents in<br />
Los Angeles. Earlier this year he put his<br />
beliefs in<strong>to</strong> practice, establishing a foundation<br />
committed <strong>to</strong> supporting victims<br />
of domestic violence and modeling for<br />
boys a healthy brand of masculinity. He<br />
is committed <strong>to</strong> seeing the foundation’s<br />
vision grow.<br />
Followers of baseball probably know<br />
that in mid-September, in the thick of<br />
the American League East pennant race,<br />
Gabe ruptured his left Achilles tendon<br />
rounding second base in a tie game against<br />
Toron<strong>to</strong>. His season ended abruptly. While<br />
he returned home <strong>to</strong> Los Angeles for surgery<br />
and recuperation, his injury has not<br />
sidelined him from pursuing his commitment<br />
<strong>to</strong> the mission of the foundation that<br />
bears his name.<br />
Projects the Kapler Foundation is currently<br />
supporting include procuring<br />
playground equipment and additional<br />
childcare for a Los Angeles battered<br />
women’s shelter and piloting a collaboration<br />
between a Massachusetts shelter, Safe<br />
Passage of Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, and the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change, publisher of<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>.<br />
“The grant,” foundation co-founder and<br />
administra<strong>to</strong>r Judy Kapler says, “will allow<br />
men from the Men’s Resource Center <strong>to</strong><br />
serve as positive role models, spending<br />
time with boys in the shelter who have<br />
witnessed or experienced domestic abuse.<br />
We want <strong>to</strong> facilitate all children growing<br />
up with healthy ideas about men.” Judy<br />
Kapler, who is Gabe’s mother, holds a<br />
master’s degree in child development and<br />
has been teaching, directing, counseling,<br />
and advocating for children for a quarter<br />
century. (See sidebar, page 17, and www.<br />
kaplerfoundation.org.)<br />
Gabe Kapler began <strong>to</strong> seriously think<br />
about the issue of dating violence when he<br />
was a senior in high school and had begun<br />
dating his future wife, Lisa. They were<br />
both 17. With great difficulty, Lisa had<br />
recently extricated herself from a relationship<br />
in which she’d been physically and<br />
emotionally abused by an older student.<br />
Meeting Gabe, a star on the school’s baseball<br />
team, was eye-opening, she recalled.<br />
Even though she was vulnerable and in<br />
the early stages of recovering from her<br />
ordeal, she recognized that Gabe represented<br />
“a role model for what a healthy<br />
relationship could be.”<br />
Lisa and Gabe married in 1999 and<br />
have two sons, ages three and six. They<br />
live in Los Angeles, but during the season<br />
lead a baseball family’s nomadic life.<br />
Since becoming a major leaguer, Gabe<br />
has played for the Detroit Tigers, Texas<br />
Rangers, and Colorado Rockies. He was<br />
traded <strong>to</strong> the Red Sox halfway through the<br />
2003 season. Gabe was in right field when<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n recorded the final out against the<br />
St. Louis Cardinals last season <strong>to</strong> win the<br />
World Series for the first time in 86 years.<br />
He started the 2005 season as the center<br />
fielder on the Yomiuri Giants in Japan but<br />
was unhappy there. He was able <strong>to</strong> return<br />
<strong>to</strong> the Red Sox at the end of July, playing<br />
frequently until he was injured.<br />
The idea for the Kapler Foundation,<br />
something Gabe and Lisa had been considering,<br />
got a jump start in June 2004<br />
when the Red Sox Wives were preparing a<br />
“Picnic in the Park,” an annual event raising<br />
money for a non-profit organization<br />
and the Red Sox Foundation. When Lisa<br />
Pho<strong>to</strong> courtesy of Gabe and Lisa Kapler<br />
8
tery charges. They ordered him <strong>to</strong> attend<br />
anger management classes and let him go<br />
at the end of the season (see <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Fall 1997). More recently, Northeastern<br />
University’s Center for the Study of Sport<br />
in Society began offering their Men<strong>to</strong>rs in<br />
Violence Prevention program (MVP) <strong>to</strong><br />
Sox minor league players, an effort piloted<br />
last March at the club’s spring training<br />
headquarters in Fort Meyers, Florida.<br />
MVP teaches strategies players can employ<br />
<strong>to</strong> handle challenging social situations<br />
without resorting <strong>to</strong> violence. The New<br />
England Patriots have been using the program<br />
for more than seven years.<br />
When people ask me<br />
“What can I do <strong>to</strong> help?”<br />
I say, if you have children,<br />
teach them—just set a<br />
good example. That’s more<br />
important than anything else—<br />
having a good relationship<br />
with your spouse in front<br />
of your child.<br />
Peter Roby, the center’s executive direc<strong>to</strong>r,<br />
cited Lisa’s s<strong>to</strong>ry and Gabe’s role in<br />
her healing when he approached the Red<br />
Sox about working with MVP. “That was<br />
a perfect example of how guys, sensitive<br />
and loving, can change lives,” he <strong>to</strong>ld The<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n Globe’s Gordon Edes. “She was in a<br />
relationship that was bad, she met [Gabe],<br />
and he helped <strong>to</strong> turn her whole life<br />
around.”<br />
To find out more about his views on masculinity<br />
and the new foundation, among<br />
other questions, I interviewed Gabe Kapler<br />
just after Labor Day, before he headed <strong>to</strong><br />
Fenway Park <strong>to</strong> prepare for a game.<br />
Can you talk about what you see as the<br />
responsibility of athletes <strong>to</strong> speak out against<br />
domestic violence?<br />
Pro athletes have a responsibility, regardless<br />
of the cause, <strong>to</strong> help people in less<br />
fortunate situations than they are in,<br />
whether financially, donating time, giving<br />
au<strong>to</strong>graphs, whatever. There are many<br />
important causes—domestic violence just<br />
happened <strong>to</strong> hit home with my family. It’s<br />
learned that the recipient organization was<br />
Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts coalition<br />
of battered women’s shelters and sexual<br />
assault prevention centers, she decided the<br />
moment had arrived <strong>to</strong> share her secret.<br />
Prior <strong>to</strong> the picnic, a representative from<br />
Jane Doe met with the wives at Fenway<br />
Park. During the meeting the Jane Doe<br />
official caught everyone off guard, revealing<br />
that one of their own had been a victim<br />
of dating violence. That was Lisa’s cue. It<br />
was the first step in telling her s<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />
She didn’t offer details then, a s<strong>to</strong>ry in<br />
The Bos<strong>to</strong>n Globe published last summer<br />
reported. But as she thought about it more<br />
she felt a strong pull <strong>to</strong> go public. Lisa says<br />
she wanted <strong>to</strong> show “that this can happen<br />
<strong>to</strong> a girl from a suburban family with two<br />
parents.” Popular, a member of the high<br />
school drill team, a student with good<br />
friends and good grades, she says she “was<br />
raised by a mom and stepfather who were<br />
loving with each other. I never witnessed<br />
abuse of any kind.”<br />
At the picnic I met Lisa and described<br />
the work of the MRC, including giving her<br />
a video about the organization. After going<br />
home and watching the tape, Lisa says she<br />
was excited about the center’s work. Five<br />
days later she and her two young sons<br />
drove out from Bos<strong>to</strong>n <strong>to</strong> visit the MRC.<br />
“When I first started <strong>to</strong> speak out I was<br />
aware that I didn’t have any information<br />
about what men were doing <strong>to</strong> challenge<br />
domestic violence,” Lisa said recently. “I<br />
knew there was something missing. When<br />
I watched the video and met with the folks<br />
at the MRC, I knew I had another important<br />
piece of the puzzle. Gabe and I have<br />
been really glad <strong>to</strong> be collaborating with<br />
the MRC.” That collaboration has included<br />
Gabe and Lisa’s sponsorship two years in<br />
a row of the MRC’s annual Men’s Walk <strong>to</strong><br />
End Abuse, including facilitating publicity<br />
for the walk on radio and television broadcasts<br />
of Red Sox games, as well as postings<br />
on the video message center that hovers<br />
above the Fenway Park outfield.<br />
For its part, the Bos<strong>to</strong>n Red Sox, along<br />
with its many involvements in the local<br />
community and with groups around New<br />
England, has found a place for continuing<br />
<strong>to</strong> pay attention <strong>to</strong> the domestic violence<br />
issue. The Sox had <strong>to</strong> deal with the issue in<br />
1997, when former outfielder Wil Cordero<br />
was arrested on domestic assault and batan<br />
incredible platform for me as a positive<br />
role model, presenting myself as a male<br />
who is a strong advocate of having a<br />
healthy relationship.<br />
What was it in your makeup in high school<br />
that led you <strong>to</strong> respond the way you did when<br />
you met Lisa and learned about her previous<br />
abusive relationship?<br />
It’s <strong>to</strong>ugh because there are so many facets.<br />
I had two parents who have open communication<br />
in their relationship. Like anyone,<br />
their relationship may not have been<br />
perfect. But there was never any lack of<br />
verbal communication—that was always<br />
present in our house. I noticed with Lisa<br />
that was a hurdle early in our relationship.<br />
I knew the relationship she had prior <strong>to</strong><br />
me was a violent one, and that she was a<br />
little bit violent herself. I think that was<br />
an eye-opening experience for me. I had<br />
parents who would not let emotions simmer,<br />
they got everything out right away. I<br />
watched that as a child growing up. From<br />
what I saw it was always verbal, and more<br />
times than not in an effort <strong>to</strong> resolve an<br />
issue they would use words rather than<br />
being abusive.<br />
A year and a half ago came the Picnic in the<br />
Park, and Lisa began speaking out. How do<br />
you feel about what she’s doing, about her<br />
voice as an empowered woman and the road<br />
she’s been traveling?<br />
I think it’s great that she has the courage<br />
<strong>to</strong> tell her s<strong>to</strong>ry. Because she is very charismatic—when<br />
she speaks, people listen.<br />
She has that gift. It was so important for<br />
her <strong>to</strong> tell her s<strong>to</strong>ry. She was always very<br />
emotional about it, which is great. It’s<br />
powerful—the sadness, anger, emotion<br />
coming in, telling her s<strong>to</strong>ry <strong>to</strong> teenage<br />
girls or whoever may be listening. I think<br />
we both realize that it’s our responsibility<br />
<strong>to</strong> be able <strong>to</strong> share, not only financially,<br />
but <strong>to</strong> have a hands-on experience with<br />
it, which becomes so rewarding. It makes<br />
our lives better.<br />
Talk about the idea of organizing the Gabe<br />
Kapler Foundation.<br />
We had talked many times over the course<br />
of the last three or four years about how<br />
we could contribute financially, kicking<br />
around the idea of working with several<br />
continued on page 16<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
9
Why Men and Women Must Work Together<br />
<strong>to</strong> End Domestic Violence<br />
By Marian Kent<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
“If we want <strong>to</strong> truly end<br />
domestic violence,men and<br />
women must begin <strong>to</strong> work<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether. And not just <strong>to</strong>ken<br />
collaboration here or there,<br />
either—true partnership,<br />
true commitment is required.”<br />
Rob Okun, executive direc<strong>to</strong>r of<br />
The Men’s Resource Center<br />
for Change and Marian Kent,<br />
executive direc<strong>to</strong>r of Safe Passage.<br />
H<br />
is<strong>to</strong>rically, the battered<br />
women’s movement<br />
has been just that—a<br />
movement consisting of<br />
women counseling and<br />
sheltering, advocating and agitating,<br />
in support of and on behalf of other<br />
women who have been abused. In the<br />
process of building this movement,<br />
women have created a highly effective<br />
national network <strong>to</strong> achieve safety for<br />
themselves and their children and <strong>to</strong><br />
remake their lives. At the same time,<br />
pro-feminist men committed <strong>to</strong> ending<br />
violence have worked with other<br />
men, in consciousness-raising groups,<br />
through education and batterers’ intervention<br />
programs, <strong>to</strong> support men and<br />
challenge violence.<br />
As effective as these movements have<br />
been, the still alarming rate of domestic<br />
violence incidents and casualties<br />
requires us <strong>to</strong> think and act differently.<br />
If we want <strong>to</strong> truly end domestic violence,<br />
men and women must begin<br />
<strong>to</strong> work <strong>to</strong>gether. And not just <strong>to</strong>ken<br />
collaboration here or there, either—<br />
true partnership, true commitment is<br />
required.<br />
Imagine men and women, families,<br />
youth and elders, people of different<br />
cultures and groups—entire communities—coming<br />
forward <strong>to</strong>gether <strong>to</strong> reject<br />
violence. Imagine a community taking<br />
the position that no matter what its<br />
members might be facing, no matter<br />
their problems or stresses or hardships,<br />
using violence against a loved<br />
one is not the answer. Imagine people<br />
being supported in their times of crisis<br />
so that they have alternatives <strong>to</strong><br />
battering as a means of grasping for<br />
power. Imagine couples and families,<br />
where safety allows, being supported<br />
in working through their issues<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether, transforming their relationships,<br />
and remaining <strong>to</strong>gether instead<br />
of separating.<br />
This is the vision Safe Passage, the<br />
battered women’s organization I direct<br />
in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, Massachusetts, and<br />
the Men’s Resource Center for Change,<br />
colleagues headquartered in nearby<br />
Amherst, share as we commit <strong>to</strong> a new,<br />
his<strong>to</strong>ric partnership, working closely<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether <strong>to</strong>ward truly ending family<br />
violence. Recognizing that most of the<br />
work of each of our organizations has<br />
been focused on intervention, we plan<br />
<strong>to</strong> focus on prevention, in addition<br />
<strong>to</strong> the crucial services we are already<br />
providing.<br />
Until now, Safe Passage’s safety and<br />
intervention work has by necessity<br />
usually required a focus on separation—supporting<br />
women in leaving<br />
their abusers and starting fresh from<br />
a secure place. Although the MRC’s<br />
batterer intervention work through its<br />
Moving Forward program (formerly<br />
MOVE) makes no assumptions about<br />
the partner leaving or staying in the<br />
relationship, it is not uncommon for<br />
the MRC <strong>to</strong> be working with the men<br />
after their partners have left. Because<br />
both organizations have made a strong<br />
commitment <strong>to</strong> women’s safety and <strong>to</strong><br />
ending men’s violence against women,<br />
we know that some members of our<br />
community perceive both of us as “antimale”<br />
or “anti-family.” In order for these<br />
perceptions <strong>to</strong> change and in order for<br />
us <strong>to</strong> reach everyone in the community<br />
who needs our services, we need <strong>to</strong><br />
transform our approach <strong>to</strong> families and<br />
communities.<br />
Where in the past women—and<br />
women’s groups—may have been skeptical<br />
about working with men against<br />
battering, Safe Passage now sees working<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether as vital <strong>to</strong> ending domestic<br />
violence and in fact <strong>to</strong> the health of the<br />
movement. We are clear that women<br />
and men must work <strong>to</strong>gether in order<br />
<strong>to</strong> respond <strong>to</strong> people and families holistically.<br />
Our commitment is strong, as<br />
indicated by these new developments:<br />
Safe Passage has recently hired our<br />
first-ever male staff member—our new<br />
volunteer coordina<strong>to</strong>r. Also in recent<br />
months, our board of direc<strong>to</strong>rs <strong>to</strong>ok the<br />
his<strong>to</strong>ric step of changing its bylaws <strong>to</strong><br />
include men as members.<br />
The plan for Safe Passage and the<br />
Men’s Resource Center for Change moving<br />
forward <strong>to</strong>gether includes engaging<br />
Pho<strong>to</strong> by Tom Chen<br />
10
citizens in identifying which strategies<br />
will work for specific communities—<br />
strategies for engaging both men and<br />
women <strong>to</strong> take a stand against violence.<br />
We are identifying new ways of<br />
working <strong>to</strong>gether <strong>to</strong> provide services <strong>to</strong><br />
intact families in their communities—<strong>to</strong><br />
transform our services for families and<br />
communities.<br />
An exciting project we are developing<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether is called “Supporting Boys<br />
from Safe Passage House.” This pilot<br />
program will send MRC staff members<br />
in<strong>to</strong> Safe Passage’s domestic violence<br />
shelter <strong>to</strong> provide services for boys<br />
currently or formerly residing there.<br />
This project recognizes that for the sons<br />
of women who are survivors of domestic<br />
violence, the journey <strong>to</strong> healthy<br />
manhood is bound <strong>to</strong> be especially<br />
difficult.<br />
Boys whose mothers flee abuse with<br />
their children and take refuge in a battered<br />
women’s shelter may have scant<br />
opportunity for positive experiences<br />
with men. The behavior the boys have<br />
witnessed—usually, their dads abusing<br />
their moms—reflects the worst aspects<br />
of men’s socialization: <strong>to</strong>o many men<br />
act violently, in part <strong>to</strong> mask their own<br />
hurt, fear, and confusion. These boys<br />
are vulnerable and at significant risk.<br />
Our project is an attempt <strong>to</strong> reflect<br />
and model positive male behavior and<br />
relationships with men, so that these<br />
precious boys will grow up <strong>to</strong> be loving,<br />
nurturing partners and fathers<br />
themselves.<br />
In the end, it’s such a simple question<br />
with an obvious answer: Aren’t<br />
we stronger and more effective working<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether? Isn’t the community better<br />
and more holistically served when<br />
men and women unite against abuse?<br />
Absolutely. We are truly excited about<br />
working closely with our allies and<br />
friends at the Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change—and with men, women, and<br />
families—<strong>to</strong> create a community where<br />
violence is not the answer. VM<br />
10 Ways Men Can Challenge Domestic Violence<br />
1.<br />
Challenging domestic violence starts with ourselves. We need<br />
<strong>to</strong> honestly examine our own attitudes and actions that<br />
perpetuate sexism and violence and work <strong>to</strong>ward changing them.<br />
2.<br />
Be honest. Expect <strong>to</strong> make mistakes.<br />
3.<br />
Create support systems with other men who are willing <strong>to</strong><br />
examine these issues.<br />
4.<br />
Think individually and with other men about the components<br />
of a healthy relationship.<br />
5.<br />
Think individually and with other men about what it means<br />
<strong>to</strong> be “masculine.” How do we expand that definition <strong>to</strong><br />
include a greater range of human experience?<br />
6.<br />
Read about and learn from others about domestic violence.<br />
Remember: it is not about anger, it is about power and<br />
control. It is about fear and involves more than<br />
physical and verbal abuse.<br />
7.<br />
Ask other men specifically about their behaviors, particularly<br />
if you have any reason <strong>to</strong> suspect violence. Help them define<br />
those actions and attitudes as dangerous, let them<br />
know that you do not support and will not <strong>to</strong>lerate<br />
any behaviors that demean women or Are abusive.<br />
Try <strong>to</strong> find ways <strong>to</strong> do this that connect you <strong>to</strong> the<br />
person in a caring, direct manner.<br />
8.<br />
Remember that anytime someone makes a sexist comment<br />
or refers uncritically <strong>to</strong> violence against women and<br />
no one says anything about it—they are essentially<br />
condoning the comment.<br />
9.<br />
Volunteer your time or donate money <strong>to</strong> organizations<br />
that work <strong>to</strong> end domestic violence.<br />
10.<br />
Get involved. Discuss, educate, organize.<br />
Marian Kent is the executive direc<strong>to</strong>r<br />
of Safe Passage, the battered women’s<br />
agency serving Hampshire County,<br />
Massachusetts.<br />
—Russell Bradbury Carlin, Direc<strong>to</strong>r, Moving Forward program, Men’s Resource Center for Change.<br />
Adapted from “How Men Can Challenge Rape” by Tom Schiff.<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
11
Encouraging Men <strong>to</strong> Change<br />
The Long Road Back from Abuse<br />
By Rob Okun<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
M<br />
ake no mistake. There<br />
is no excuse, ever,<br />
for anyone—male<br />
or female—<strong>to</strong> abuse<br />
another human being.<br />
It’s also true that most men don’t act<br />
abusively. Still, <strong>to</strong>o many men do, and<br />
their behavior has a ripple effect—violence<br />
in the home is directly connected<br />
<strong>to</strong> violence in the world. That understanding<br />
guides the work of a growing<br />
number of men’s centers and initiatives<br />
around the U.S. and the world, including<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>’s publisher, the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change (MRC).<br />
It explains why this growing coalition<br />
believes domestic abuse is a men’s issue,<br />
a fathers’ issue, a coaches’ and teachers’<br />
issue. Men have a lot <strong>to</strong> gain from taking<br />
the issue on.<br />
Every week in pockets around the U.S.,<br />
programs like the MRC’s Moving Forward<br />
run groups for men who’ve acted abusively.<br />
These groups, often co-led by a<br />
man and a woman, teach practical strategies<br />
the men can employ as an alternative<br />
<strong>to</strong> lashing out. Participants come mandated<br />
by the court or “voluntarily”—some<br />
of the latter have been urged <strong>to</strong> enroll by<br />
an at-her-wits’-end partner, a therapist, a<br />
relative or friend.<br />
It is demanding work, and progress is<br />
slow. How could it be otherwise—undoing<br />
30 or 40 years of ingrained behaviors in 30<br />
or 40 weeks? But the rewards are priceless.<br />
I remember a man in one of the groups<br />
I led I’ll call “Jimmy” who, besides being<br />
emotionally abusive <strong>to</strong> his wife, was also<br />
physically abusing his teenage son. One<br />
night, in the group, Jimmy had a memory<br />
come back <strong>to</strong> him, strong and clear.<br />
“I was seven and a bigger kid would<br />
terrorize me after school, choking me,”<br />
he shared. “My dad used <strong>to</strong> pick me up<br />
but usually he’d arrive after the bully had<br />
left. I was <strong>to</strong>o ashamed <strong>to</strong> tell him what<br />
“My dad yelled <strong>to</strong> me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his<br />
face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’ That was what I was<br />
taught. That’s why I think it’s okay <strong>to</strong> beat the crap out of my<br />
son. Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed<br />
up my thinking has been?”<br />
was happening, afraid of what he’d say.<br />
One day he came early and witnessed<br />
the bully grabbing me around the neck.<br />
When he let me go, instead of comforting<br />
me, my father glared and said, ‘Go<br />
back and hit him! Knock him down. Let<br />
him have it!’ Even though he was bigger,<br />
I was full of adrenaline and fear, so I<br />
knocked the bully down and got on <strong>to</strong>p<br />
of him and whaled away. My dad yelled<br />
<strong>to</strong> me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his<br />
face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’”<br />
At that moment, Jimmy began <strong>to</strong> shake<br />
and the tears came. All eyes in the group<br />
were on him. When his sobbing had<br />
subsided, he looked up and said, “That<br />
was what I was taught. That’s why I<br />
think it’s okay <strong>to</strong> beat the crap out of<br />
my son.” And then he said quietly, “Why<br />
did it take 37 years before I realized how<br />
screwed up my thinking has been?”<br />
Of the hundreds of men who have<br />
come through our program, most do<br />
s<strong>to</strong>p their physical violence. Some come<br />
<strong>to</strong> understand the damage their emotional<br />
and verbal abuse causes and learn<br />
<strong>to</strong> curb it. Sadly, some take little away<br />
from the <strong>to</strong>ol kit of strategies we offer.<br />
Over the years, former members have<br />
written us letters of appreciation. Some<br />
have been ordered back or have voluntarily<br />
returned <strong>to</strong> the program. In a few<br />
instances, they have written s<strong>to</strong>ries for<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>.<br />
In the Spring 2005 issue, Jake Asbin,<br />
a man serving a 12-month jail sentence<br />
on a domestic assault and battery charge,<br />
wrote remorsefully about abusing his<br />
wife of 12 years and his “stupidity” in<br />
throwing “away a comfortable…happy<br />
lifestyle.” He asked: “How could I resort<br />
<strong>to</strong> being violent instead of knowing how<br />
<strong>to</strong> communicate my anger? How did I<br />
allow my anger <strong>to</strong> consume me? Why<br />
did I hurt the one person who mattered<br />
so much <strong>to</strong> me?”<br />
“I guess I’m seeking redemption,” he<br />
continued. “I hope so—I have quite a<br />
lot <strong>to</strong> a<strong>to</strong>ne for…I have learned and<br />
appreciated the [Moving Forward group]<br />
the most…I guess every man dreams of<br />
a second chance. I hope I will get that<br />
chance someday, when I finally forgive<br />
myself. Until that happens, however, I<br />
must always take full responsibility for<br />
what I did.”<br />
In November, hundreds of people who<br />
work with men acting abusively in programs<br />
around the United States and abroad<br />
will convene in Detroit for a major batterers’<br />
intervention conference. What they<br />
have come <strong>to</strong> understand is that the road<br />
back from abuse and <strong>to</strong>ward accountability<br />
is arduous, long and winding. But those<br />
who have walked it for decades now know<br />
that it’s a journey worth taking. VM<br />
Rob Okun is executive direc<strong>to</strong>r of the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change and the edi<strong>to</strong>r<br />
of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>. A version of this column<br />
originally appeared in the September issue<br />
of The Women’s Times.<br />
12
Saying Yes <strong>to</strong> Nonviolence<br />
I<br />
am a male anthropologist teaching at a university in Sendai, Japan, a northern<br />
city on the island of Honshu. I am married and have a son. I have been<br />
actively involved in the Japanese grassroots movement confronting domestic<br />
violence and other forms of violence against women for some time.<br />
Violence against women is as rampant in Japan as in the United States. Like<br />
many of you reading this, no doubt, I was forced by my feminist friends <strong>to</strong><br />
confront male perpetra<strong>to</strong>rs of violence: “After all,” they said, “you are a man<br />
<strong>to</strong>o, aren’t you? Do something about those violent guys!” Partly as a result,<br />
I <strong>to</strong>ok a four-day course on counseling batterers at Emerge in Cambridge,<br />
Mass., in 2001, and have been in regular <strong>to</strong>uch with the Men’s Resource<br />
Center for Change for more than three years now.<br />
Recently, I had <strong>to</strong> help my son write an essay on peace. We went on the<br />
Internet and found out that the United Nations had declared 2001–2010 as<br />
the International Decade for a Culture of Peace and Non-violence for the<br />
children of the world. UNESCO is mainly in charge of the related activities,<br />
and they are calling for people <strong>to</strong> sign Manifes<strong>to</strong> 2000 for a culture of peace<br />
and nonviolence, a six-point pledge drafted by a group of Nobel Peace Prize<br />
recipients. The six key points of the Manifes<strong>to</strong> are:<br />
Looking <strong>to</strong> Connect?<br />
Try the MRC’s Drop-in<br />
MEN’S<br />
SUPPORT<br />
GROUPS<br />
IN NORTHAMPTON<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM<br />
Council on Aging, 240 Main St.<br />
IN AMHERST<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC<br />
Respect all life<br />
Reject violence<br />
Share with others<br />
Listen <strong>to</strong> understand<br />
Preserve the planet<br />
Rediscover solidarity<br />
It is so ironic—no, tragic—that the decade for peace and nonviolence<br />
started with September 11, 2001, and the subsequent retalia<strong>to</strong>ry violence by<br />
the United States and its allies (including Japan). And halfway through this<br />
decade, we have seen nothing but violence on a global scale.<br />
We have <strong>to</strong> do something <strong>to</strong> change the global culture of violence <strong>to</strong> a<br />
culture of peace, but how can we do so if we grow up in violent families?<br />
Nurturing and fostering a culture of peace must begin in our homes, and that<br />
means we have <strong>to</strong> do something about abuse in our homes.<br />
This may be no suprise <strong>to</strong> American readers of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>, but it’s real fresh<br />
news here in Japan.<br />
My son and I both signed the Manifes<strong>to</strong>. I think it’s a good start. Now we<br />
have <strong>to</strong> keep the six pledges in our home, our neighborhood, our country,<br />
and beyond. I would like <strong>to</strong> invite you <strong>to</strong> do the same.<br />
Manifes<strong>to</strong> 2000 was publicly unveiled on March 4, 1999, in Paris, and has<br />
been signed by many people around the world, including such luminaries<br />
as the Dalai Lama, Rigoberta Menchu, Elie Wiesel, Desmond Tutu, Vaclav<br />
Havel, and Coretta Scott King. To add your signature and your support and<br />
for more information on this important document, visit the UNESCO website<br />
(http://www3.unesco.org/iycp/uk/uk_sommaire.htm).<br />
—Ichiro Numazaki<br />
IN GREENFIELD<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Wednesdays, 7-9 PM<br />
Network Chiropractic,<br />
DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail<br />
FOR GAY, BISEXUAL &<br />
QUESTIONING MEN<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all gay, bisexual,<br />
gay-identified F-<strong>to</strong>-M trans men<br />
& men questioning orientation<br />
Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC<br />
FOR MEN WHO HAVE<br />
EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD<br />
NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men who have<br />
experienced any form of childhood<br />
neglect and/or abuse<br />
(physical, emotional or sexual)<br />
Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC<br />
FACILITATED BY<br />
TRAINED VOLUNTEERS<br />
FREE & CONFIDENTIAL<br />
MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER<br />
236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST<br />
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10<br />
aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
13
Lessons from Grand-Jack<br />
Color Lines<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
By Haji Shearer<br />
My grandfather-in-law<br />
died last week. I’ve been<br />
thinking about what his<br />
life meant <strong>to</strong> me. He was<br />
married and divorced<br />
three times. A smart man, he clearly had a<br />
desire for connectedness, but never figured<br />
out how <strong>to</strong> make intimacy work. That<br />
he kept trying I find admirable, but I’m<br />
saddened that the simple <strong>to</strong>ols that might<br />
have saved any of his marriages were not<br />
available or attractive enough <strong>to</strong> be of use<br />
<strong>to</strong> him—skills like reflective listening, creative<br />
problem solving, and surrendering <strong>to</strong><br />
the highest truth.<br />
Grand-Jack did not suffer fools gladly.<br />
I never thought of him as mean, but “gruff”<br />
and “ornery” definitely fit. He was in many<br />
ways a “man’s man,” a product of his times.<br />
He was what I think of as a “World War Two<br />
Negro.” Educated in segregated schools in<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n, served in a segregated Navy, one of<br />
the few blacks at Northeastern University<br />
in the 1950s, the only black draftsman at a<br />
major architectural firm for most of his 20-<br />
year tenure—and still he managed <strong>to</strong> love<br />
America and her institutions.<br />
The impact of race and gender on<br />
African-American relationships is important,<br />
and often understated. How did the<br />
racism that Grand-Jack endured in school,<br />
the military, and at work contribute <strong>to</strong><br />
his tendency <strong>to</strong> be short-tempered and<br />
impatient with loved ones? How did the<br />
patriarchal culture of the military that he<br />
loved shut down some of his innate tenderness<br />
and compassion? That he was violated<br />
by ubiqui<strong>to</strong>us racist prejudices and misled<br />
by a <strong>to</strong>xic patriarchy I have no doubt. My<br />
question is, how did that affect his three<br />
marriages and his subsequent estrangement<br />
from his only child?<br />
Grand-Jack valued discipline and his lifelong<br />
attraction <strong>to</strong> the military only added<br />
<strong>to</strong> his proclivity <strong>to</strong> be rigid and s<strong>to</strong>ne-faced,<br />
even when a situation called for openness<br />
“How did the racism that<br />
Grand-Jack endured in<br />
school, the military, and<br />
at work contribute <strong>to</strong> his<br />
tendency <strong>to</strong> be short-<br />
tempered and impatient<br />
with loved ones?”<br />
The author’s wife,<br />
Jasmin, with her late<br />
grandfather, known<br />
as “Grand-Jack.”<br />
and flexibility. Being the only black in a<br />
white professional environment, especially<br />
during the fifties and sixties when integration<br />
was an unfamiliar practice in this<br />
country, necessitated creating and maintaining<br />
sophisticated masks. How difficult<br />
was it <strong>to</strong> remove those masks at home<br />
when dealing with a wife and daughter?<br />
When I began <strong>to</strong> visit Grand-Jack in<br />
the early 1990s, the three marriages were<br />
behind him. He had been a bachelor for<br />
20 years and had no contact with his only<br />
child, my mother-in-law. Neither did I<br />
win easy acceptance from him. To Grand-<br />
Jack, the dreadlocks that hung halfway<br />
down my back identified me as an enemy<br />
of his value system. I didn’t share his high<br />
regard for the military, and his assumption<br />
that I used illegal in<strong>to</strong>xicants was correct,<br />
nor could I even claim <strong>to</strong> be a jazz<br />
aficionado like him, but I had one ace in<br />
the hole. By a wonderful synchronicity,<br />
Grand-Jack and my parents had been<br />
good friends before I was born. So even if<br />
I had strayed from the path, he reasoned<br />
that I came from good s<strong>to</strong>ck and thus cut<br />
me some slack.<br />
Although he would not say it and acted<br />
as if it were not so, I believe Grand-Jack still<br />
craved connectedness. And, if it seemed<br />
<strong>to</strong> him as if all his progeny were growing<br />
dreadlocks, using drugs, and thinking seditious<br />
thoughts, I had another characteristic<br />
in my favor. I was a man, and unders<strong>to</strong>od<br />
masculine culture. Certainly I was not<br />
the type of man Grand-Jack would have<br />
designed for a son or grandson, but I was<br />
what he had, and I unders<strong>to</strong>od the patriarchy<br />
he loved more than the females in<br />
our family. Although I no longer practiced<br />
patriarchy uncritically, I still had empathy<br />
for his loyalty <strong>to</strong> it.<br />
My wife and I were welcome in his home,<br />
though he didn’t reach out <strong>to</strong> us except in<br />
times of crisis. When we visited him, the<br />
routine never varied. He’d greet us at the<br />
door, we’d initiate hugs (I’m sure he would<br />
have been content with a handshake from<br />
me), then he’d usher us in<strong>to</strong> his sitting<br />
room. We’d sit on the faux red leather sofa<br />
and he’d rest his behind on the bars<strong>to</strong>ol in<br />
front of his well-equipped stereo cabinet,<br />
facing us across a coffee table. This allowed<br />
him <strong>to</strong> slightly bend his knees, retaining<br />
most of his standing height so he could<br />
lord over us while we reported our current<br />
subversive pursuits.<br />
This may sound stuffy and formal, but<br />
there was an air of pan<strong>to</strong>mime about it as<br />
well. It was clear <strong>to</strong> me that we were all<br />
playing roles expected of us, and while<br />
our lives may not have intersected at great<br />
length, this was an important and enjoyable<br />
ritual. Grand-Jack had a signature<br />
reaction <strong>to</strong> our exploits that I remember<br />
with great fondness. We’d be telling him<br />
why we didn’t eat meat, or how we were<br />
going on a meditation retreat, or any of<br />
the thousands of other ideas and behaviors<br />
that contradicted his value system, and<br />
he’d look at us in disbelief, make one of the<br />
disapproving grunts he liberally employed,<br />
Pho<strong>to</strong> courtesy of Haji Shearer<br />
14
lift his hand <strong>to</strong> the height of his head and<br />
push the space in front of him as if he were<br />
pushing us away. At the same time, he’d<br />
turn his face away as if disgusted.<br />
The whole series of actions <strong>to</strong>ok only a<br />
second and was a normal part of conversation<br />
with him. When his face turned back<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward us, his gaze would be intense and<br />
he might offer a harsh explanation for his<br />
disapproval or he might just let the gesture<br />
stand by itself. In moments of clarity, I<br />
could discern a twinkle in his eye that<br />
acknowledged humor in the gesture, but<br />
there was an unmistakable honesty <strong>to</strong> it<br />
as well. I’m sure my wife and I, in our<br />
unabashed enthusiasm for the new and<br />
weird, shared some thoughts that deserved<br />
the brushoff. At other times, I’m sure his<br />
disapproval was without merit. But our<br />
interactions with him lacked full emotional<br />
intimacy. There was an unspoken agreement<br />
that we would get only so close <strong>to</strong><br />
avoid heated arguments. It would have<br />
been difficult for us <strong>to</strong> be truly intimate<br />
with him.<br />
After we bought our first house last<br />
year, Grand-Jack called and said he wanted<br />
<strong>to</strong> see only me. This was unprecedented.<br />
Of course, I anticipated that he<br />
was going <strong>to</strong> give us some kind of gift for<br />
the house. As I sat on the sofa looking up<br />
at him, he asked how much closing costs<br />
were. I <strong>to</strong>ld him about $4000. From his<br />
pocket he produced a fat bank envelope,<br />
thrust it in front of me and demanded,<br />
“Count it.” It contained forty $100 bills.<br />
After receiving my deep appreciation,<br />
he explained he was giving the money<br />
<strong>to</strong> me because he didn’t like the way his<br />
granddaughter handled money. (I had <strong>to</strong><br />
agree she sometimes prioritized things I<br />
also felt were nonessential!) This transaction<br />
opened a new level of relationship<br />
between us. No longer did I feel that he<br />
was just Jasmin’s cranky granddad whom<br />
I visited out of respect for her. I now<br />
felt an independent obligation <strong>to</strong> him<br />
because of the generous gift.<br />
After the move, our family no longer<br />
lived as close <strong>to</strong> Grand-Jack, but my job<br />
was still a few minutes away so I checked<br />
in on him more by myself. For five or<br />
six months, I visited Grand-Jack almost<br />
weekly. I dropped off war movies and dramas<br />
(he was partial <strong>to</strong> Denzel Washing<strong>to</strong>n)<br />
I borrowed for him from the library and<br />
would go by the next week <strong>to</strong> pick them<br />
up. We had some nice conversations during<br />
those visits. It was easier <strong>to</strong> talk <strong>to</strong><br />
him when my wife wasn’t around. A few<br />
months before he passed I asked what he<br />
thought happened after death. He <strong>to</strong>ld me<br />
nothing happened: this was it. No life, no<br />
thought, no awareness after death. I had <strong>to</strong><br />
give him credit for consistency. Even staring<br />
death in the face, he refused <strong>to</strong> give in <strong>to</strong><br />
what he considered sentimentality. I shared<br />
my view of the eternal life of the soul and<br />
the process of reincarnation allowing us <strong>to</strong><br />
evolve in<strong>to</strong> perfect union with our Crea<strong>to</strong>r.<br />
He was silent. Maybe he was <strong>to</strong>o weak or<br />
tired <strong>to</strong> give me the brushoff—or maybe a<br />
part of him hoped I was right.<br />
The dozen or so family and friends who<br />
gathered at our home following his burial<br />
showed me another side of Grand-Jack.<br />
There was the man who loved flashy cars,<br />
who loved <strong>to</strong> ride horses; who, even after<br />
the estrangement from his daughter, used<br />
<strong>to</strong> take younger family members <strong>to</strong> see<br />
the Blue Angels. But despite his success<br />
overcoming racism, in the end it was his<br />
allegiance <strong>to</strong> patriarchy and its <strong>to</strong>xic residue<br />
that kept breaking his heart.<br />
Sometimes, alone with Grand-Jack, I<br />
shared my own marriage challenges as I<br />
did with other male friends. It was clear he<br />
had no s<strong>to</strong>mach for the dance of intimacy<br />
I was engaged in with his granddaughter;<br />
I believe at times he wanted <strong>to</strong> advise me<br />
<strong>to</strong> divorce her. Yet I hope he also saw the<br />
joy and deep communion that’s grown<br />
through our trials and apogees. Now and<br />
then, when I feel like Grand-Jack and just<br />
want <strong>to</strong> walk away, I see him with the walls<br />
around his heart, and I take a deep breath<br />
and listen <strong>to</strong> love. VM<br />
Haji Shearer is happily married (most of<br />
the time) <strong>to</strong> Jack Davis’s granddaughter,<br />
Jasmin. They live with their teenage son<br />
and preteen daughter. Haji leads workshops<br />
for men and couples and is co-producing a<br />
documentary film, Reconcilable Differences:<br />
Men Learning <strong>to</strong> Love, <strong>to</strong> be released in<br />
early 2006.<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
15
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Double Play continued from page 9<br />
different organizations around domestic<br />
violence, and we realized this was a perfect<br />
fit. We wanted <strong>to</strong> be a part of [domestic<br />
violence prevention work] in an ongoing<br />
way for hopefully the rest of our lives,<br />
making, number one, a financial contribution,<br />
and definitely making it our numberone<br />
time commitment. We got my mom<br />
involved working on the project. When I<br />
have time away from baseball I’ll ultimately<br />
have more time <strong>to</strong> spend on it.<br />
What do you see as the role of<br />
fathers,teachingtheirsons<strong>to</strong>respect<br />
girls and women—and other boys<br />
and men?<br />
To me, that is the most important<br />
question, the most important<br />
aspect of all of this. When<br />
people ask me “What can I do <strong>to</strong><br />
help?” I say, if you have children,<br />
you’re going <strong>to</strong> teach them—<br />
just set a good example. That’s<br />
more important than anything<br />
else—having a good relationship<br />
with your spouse in front of your<br />
child—not <strong>to</strong> be separate, or try<br />
<strong>to</strong> guard them from it, but let<br />
them watch that—when there’s<br />
a conflict, great or small, in the<br />
house. I watch my older son, almost six,<br />
he hears everything, every conversation.<br />
His internal computer is firing away, and<br />
I have a responsibility, and his mother has<br />
a responsibility as well, <strong>to</strong> work through<br />
problems, verbally, not <strong>to</strong> give up, not hide<br />
from them, but <strong>to</strong> be responsible.<br />
Kidsareexposed<strong>to</strong>somanyunhealthyimages<br />
inthisculture.Whatcouldprofessionalathletes<br />
do<strong>to</strong>modelsomethingdifferent?Sincechangingourideasaboutmen,redefiningmasculinity,<br />
is often seen as <strong>to</strong>o “soft” for the public <strong>to</strong><br />
accept, how do pro athletes walk that line?<br />
It’s <strong>to</strong>ugh. I have some very strong feelings<br />
about this particular issue. I don’t claim<br />
<strong>to</strong> be an expert. It’s important that we<br />
maintain our masculinity. I think it’s great<br />
<strong>to</strong> present a strength. It can be dangerous<br />
<strong>to</strong> present <strong>to</strong>o soft a masculinity. There’s<br />
a way <strong>to</strong> balance strength and intelligence<br />
and nonviolence. I’d point <strong>to</strong> Martin<br />
Luther King. I think he presented a strong<br />
masculine, nonviolent, positive role model<br />
for men.<br />
How do you walk that line as a father with<br />
your own sons? One is in kindergarten and<br />
one is in preschool, right?<br />
Yes. If I’m playing with my boys and one<br />
falls and gets hurt, my first initial reaction<br />
is <strong>to</strong> be nurturing—“Are you okay?”<br />
And then, if I feel there’s manipulation<br />
involved, getting a little bit more attention<br />
out of this, that’s where the strength comes<br />
in. “I know your finger hurts, but it’s time<br />
<strong>to</strong> move on.” That’s what we’re trying <strong>to</strong><br />
find, there is a balance, there’s both sides.<br />
Gabe and Lisa Kapler and their two sons, Chase and Dane,<br />
celebrate after winning the World Series in 2004.<br />
What kind of influence do male pro athletes<br />
have off the field?<br />
From a celebrity standpoint, I believe there<br />
are a lot of positive male role models. I<br />
don’t know that you see a lot of interaction<br />
between a father and son on TV, though.<br />
I watch [father and son interaction] on a<br />
daily basis in the clubhouse, the different<br />
approaches the guys take. The music that’s<br />
always on in the clubhouse is interesting—and<br />
how the guys try <strong>to</strong> shield their<br />
sons from the [harsher lyrics] or just say<br />
that’s what it’s like in the clubhouse and I<br />
don’t want you using these words outside.<br />
There’s a lot of very strong lyrics in our<br />
clubhouse, whether it’s hip-hop or rock.<br />
From a male role model standpoint I think<br />
we’ve had generally bad, terrible role models.<br />
But a good parent far overshadows<br />
those models. I don’t think a kid is going<br />
<strong>to</strong> listen <strong>to</strong> 50 Cent, a big rapper, over their<br />
father and how he talks in front of them.<br />
How do you see consciousness raising efforts<br />
like the MRC’s Men’s Walk <strong>to</strong> End Abuse? Is it<br />
effective as a way <strong>to</strong> get men involved, <strong>to</strong> show<br />
that domestic violence is not just a women’s<br />
issue? It’s true that most men are decent and<br />
not abusers, but what’s their responsibility?<br />
That is my dad [you’re describing]. That<br />
is what he preached in my house. “This is<br />
our issue”—nonviolence, sexism, racism<br />
were huge issues in my house. My dad is,<br />
or was, a political activist and still has very<br />
strong feelings and gets involved. Growing<br />
up, those are things my dad preached—he<br />
walked the walk also. He was involved in<br />
men’s groups, talking about feelings, men’s<br />
issues, sexism… Growing up, I<br />
never realized the importance of<br />
listening <strong>to</strong> my dad talk about<br />
this stuff. As an adult, you realize<br />
how important your parents are.<br />
My son Chase may not care that<br />
much what I’m talking about, but<br />
from a subconscious, subliminal<br />
standpoint it sinks in. From my<br />
dad, it was all subliminal, but<br />
now I get it, and I’m more compassionate<br />
without even knowing<br />
it, because of that. I have so much<br />
respect for that, and appreciate<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n.com Pho<strong>to</strong> / Eric Wilbur<br />
it so much. I think a lot of men<br />
are close-minded because they<br />
saw their dad beat up their mom,<br />
they saw an abusive relationship,<br />
whether verbal or physical.<br />
Your father was a music teacher…<br />
He was a piano teacher, always writing<br />
music, always playing the piano. I remember<br />
him starting a company <strong>to</strong> do performances<br />
for kids, birthday parties, and he<br />
taught at the elementary school. That was<br />
difficult for me. It’s always difficult for a<br />
kid <strong>to</strong> have their mom or dad be a teacher<br />
at their school.<br />
Thelinebetweenbeing<strong>to</strong>ughandstrongand<br />
compassionate is challenging <strong>to</strong> walk. Do you<br />
think your dad integrated that?<br />
I think he talked more about compassion<br />
than anything else… He wasn’t always the<br />
most patient man [so] I saw both sides of<br />
it. If it was up <strong>to</strong> him, he may not have<br />
shown me that impatient side. He has a<br />
real strength <strong>to</strong> him. I watched him in<br />
a classroom setting. He could get mad.<br />
When he would talk and he was serious<br />
it was time <strong>to</strong> listen. But there was always<br />
compassion.<br />
continued on page 26<br />
16
Red Sox and Yankees Agree: Let's Strike Out Domestic Violence<br />
T<br />
he Gabe Kapler Foundation has been<br />
under way for less than a year but<br />
already its impact is being felt. Its goal of preventing<br />
domestic violence by addressing the<br />
needs of abused women and their children<br />
also includes promoting healthy masculinity.<br />
Lisa Kapler, the victim of an abusive relationship<br />
throughout much of high school,<br />
has become an outspoken advocate for educating<br />
young people about the dangers of<br />
domestic abuse. Gabe, who is convinced that<br />
men have an obligation <strong>to</strong> speak out against<br />
domestic violence, believes men can serve as<br />
role models for boys and other men regarding<br />
how they treat girls and women.<br />
Gabe’s parents, both educa<strong>to</strong>rs, have been intimately<br />
involved with the foundation from the outset and his mother,<br />
Judy Kapler, is coordinating the foundation’s activities. These<br />
include: supporting a reception in connection with the Los<br />
Angeles opening of the Clothesline Project exhibit at the<br />
Jewish Federation of Los Angeles, featuring original T-shirts<br />
abuse survivors produced; providing playground equipment<br />
and additional childcare for a Los Angeles battered<br />
women’s shelter; and helping <strong>to</strong> forge an innovative collaboration<br />
between a Massachusetts shelter, Safe Passage, and the<br />
Men’s Resource Center for Change <strong>to</strong> provide<br />
positive male role models for children in the<br />
shelter. Funding for the foundation has been<br />
provided by money personally donated by<br />
Gabe and Lisa and through donations made<br />
<strong>to</strong> the Gabe Kapler Foundation, whose website<br />
is www.kaplerfoundation.org.<br />
Joe Torre’s Safe at Home Foundation,<br />
meanwhile, grew out of Torre’s personal<br />
experience. The former major league player<br />
and longtime manager of the New York<br />
Yankees created the foundation more than<br />
two years ago in memory of his mother, a<br />
victim of abuse at the hands of his father.<br />
The foundation’s guiding principle is that<br />
every child has the right <strong>to</strong> be safe at home, Torre believes.<br />
Home should be a sanctuary, a safe harbor from any s<strong>to</strong>rm. Yet<br />
for many children, home is a place of danger and fear of an<br />
abusive adult, as Torre remembers. He lived it as a child. Even<br />
in his formative years, Joe stayed away from home, fearful of<br />
his own father. As Joe became a father himself, he realized that<br />
no child should have <strong>to</strong> live with that fear. It was in that spirit,<br />
and in memory of his mother, Margaret, that the Joe Torre Safe<br />
at Home Foundation was established. For more information, go<br />
<strong>to</strong> www.joe<strong>to</strong>rre.net.<br />
Bill Gallo, www.joe<strong>to</strong>rre.net<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
17
Beyond <strong>Male</strong> and Female<br />
On the Border: A Eunuch’s Tale<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Outlines • Gay & Bisexual <strong>Voice</strong>s<br />
By Richard Wassersug<br />
I<br />
am a eunuch.<br />
Chances are you already know<br />
others like me, although they<br />
may not have revealed their<br />
physical status. There are tens<br />
of thousands of us in the world <strong>to</strong>day,<br />
simply because castration is used <strong>to</strong> treat<br />
prostate cancer.<br />
Each year more than 40,000 men in<br />
North America die of prostate cancer.<br />
Along the way virtually all of us who<br />
have failed potentially curative procedures,<br />
or whose disease has progressed<br />
<strong>to</strong>o far <strong>to</strong> be cured, are offered either<br />
surgical or chemical castration as the<br />
next treatment option. Castration reduces<br />
production of tes<strong>to</strong>sterone, the male<br />
hormone that stimulates prostate cell<br />
growth. Given the choice—early death<br />
or castration—the majority of us opt for<br />
castration. Regardless of which method<br />
we choose, the results are the same: we<br />
remain genetic males, but without the<br />
hormone that made us masculine.<br />
Few people can spot a male castrated<br />
after puberty out on the street. We are<br />
not sopranos. We still have facial hair,<br />
although it grows more slowly than most<br />
guys’. However, in the months following<br />
castration, our penises shrink (as<br />
do the testicles of those who’ve opted<br />
for the chemical procedure) and we<br />
start <strong>to</strong> grow small breasts. Most of our<br />
body hair disappears. Thus in the locker<br />
room we do look different from “intact”<br />
males. We even smell different—maybe,<br />
in fact, better—since we don’t have the<br />
hormones that promote the pheromones<br />
that give sexually mature males their<br />
musky odor.<br />
Few castrated men would ever call<br />
themselves “eunuchs” or even acknowledge<br />
their condition, for there is little<br />
pride in being castrated. I’d like <strong>to</strong><br />
change that. I believe there are some<br />
pluses <strong>to</strong> my hormonal state, and in<br />
“I now live in an expanded gendered<br />
world beyond the male-female dyad;<br />
one without borders constrained or<br />
constricted by steroid-s<strong>to</strong>ked sexual<br />
compulsion. ”<br />
accepting my status as a eunuch I have<br />
discovered, for example, that my brain<br />
works very differently without tes<strong>to</strong>sterone<br />
and there are things I understand<br />
now that I never unders<strong>to</strong>od as an<br />
uncastrated male. To use these insights<br />
well has taken a willingness on my part<br />
<strong>to</strong> view the world in ways I never did<br />
before. This skill hasn’t come easily or<br />
instantly.<br />
As a eunuch I think less about raw<br />
sex, but I do not think less about people.<br />
A beautiful woman is still a beautiful<br />
woman. Now, though, with a brain<br />
freed from the tyranny of tes<strong>to</strong>sterone,<br />
for the first time in my life I can begin<br />
<strong>to</strong> see the world more the way women<br />
see it. Cognitive research has shown,<br />
for example, that women are better<br />
than men at correctly reading facial<br />
expressions and nonverbal signals from<br />
others. Women make eye contact and<br />
smile more than men. So I now study<br />
faces with the intensity that a woman<br />
might. My previous heterosexual male<br />
fixation on the secondary sexual characteristics<br />
of women (breast size, waist<strong>to</strong>-hip<br />
ratio) no longer deflects my<br />
attention.<br />
Since becoming a eunuch, I can see<br />
the profound beauty in women’s eyes<br />
and the emotional nuances of their facial<br />
expressions. I see beyond the corporal<br />
exterior, far deeper than before. I can<br />
now locate and decode smiles in eyes<br />
alone. And when I do detect those<br />
smiles, I smile back. Before, I never<br />
thought <strong>to</strong> look.<br />
In fact I have discovered that my<br />
newfound ability <strong>to</strong> make eye contact<br />
and see beauty in subtle, nonverbal<br />
expression has opened the way for me <strong>to</strong><br />
see beauty in the faces of males as well<br />
as females. I now live in an expanded<br />
gendered world beyond the male-female<br />
dyad; one without borders constrained<br />
or constricted by steroid-s<strong>to</strong>ked sexual<br />
compulsion. And, as I’ve explored this<br />
broadened world, I’ve discovered <strong>to</strong> my<br />
surprise that, although I am no longer<br />
driven by sexual needs, I am definitely<br />
not asexual. Even orgasms are possible.<br />
Castration has given me an expanded<br />
social capability; but now I’m controlling<br />
my sexuality rather than it controlling<br />
me. The more I have come <strong>to</strong> accept my<br />
altered gender status, and the more open<br />
I have been about it, the richer my life<br />
has become.<br />
Why then have so few castrated men<br />
embarked on the journey I seem <strong>to</strong><br />
be on?<br />
I believe most men perceive eunuchcontinued<br />
on page 22<br />
18
For more info or <strong>to</strong> submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us<br />
at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
AIDS CARE/Hampshire County<br />
Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program,<br />
transportation, support groups and much<br />
more free of charge <strong>to</strong> people living<br />
with HIV.<br />
AIDS Project of Southern Vermont<br />
Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential<br />
HIV/AIDS services, including support,<br />
prevention counseling and volunteer<br />
opportunities.<br />
Continuum<br />
Support group for the gender variant/<br />
transgender community. Goal: <strong>to</strong> provide<br />
support/ resources <strong>to</strong> individuals dealing<br />
with gender, and <strong>to</strong> provide a space where<br />
medical transition is not central. Meetings:<br />
third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone<br />
in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more<br />
information/directions contact Zane Barlow<br />
at (413) 221-5769 or email<br />
zane_Barlow@yahoo.com.<br />
East Coast Female-<strong>to</strong>-<strong>Male</strong> Group<br />
Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616,<br />
P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer<br />
support group open <strong>to</strong> all masculine-identified,<br />
female-born persons – FTMs, transmen<br />
of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers,<br />
s<strong>to</strong>ne butches, transgendered,<br />
transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op,<br />
genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning –<br />
and our significant others, family, and allies.<br />
Meetings 2nd Sundays inNorthamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
3-6 p.m.<br />
Free Boyz Northamp<strong>to</strong>n<br />
Social/support meetings for people<br />
labeled female at birth who feel that’s not<br />
an accurate description of who they are.<br />
Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at<br />
Third Wave Feminist Booksellers,<br />
42 Green Street, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s<br />
Support Group<br />
Free, drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,<br />
7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center,<br />
236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA.<br />
or information: Allan Arnaboldi,<br />
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10.<br />
Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project<br />
Support, shelter, advocacy and referral<br />
services for male victims of domestic<br />
violence. Contact: (800) 832-1901.<br />
Offices in eastern and western Mass.<br />
www.gmdvp.org<br />
24 hour hotline: (800) 832-1901<br />
GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates<br />
& Defenders)<br />
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders<br />
is New England’s leading legal rights<br />
organization dedicated <strong>to</strong> ending discrimination<br />
based on sexual orientation, HIV<br />
status and gender identity and expression.<br />
Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800,<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350,<br />
Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org,<br />
www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline:<br />
(800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s<br />
Legal Information Hotline is completely<br />
confidential.<br />
Trained volunteers work one-on-one with<br />
callers <strong>to</strong> provide legal information, support<br />
and referrals within New England.Weekday<br />
afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish.<br />
GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight<br />
Society) GLBT Youth Group of<br />
Franklin County<br />
Meets every Wednesday evening in<br />
Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.<br />
HIV Testing Online: (800) 750-2016.<br />
Men’s Health Project<br />
Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.<br />
Education, prevention services, and counseling<br />
for men’s health issues, especially<br />
HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.<br />
Monadnock Gay Men<br />
www.monadnockgaymen.com or e-mail<br />
monadgay@aol.com.<br />
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends<br />
of Lesbians and Gays)<br />
PFLAG-Pioneer Valley. Movie and pizza<br />
night, groups for parents and transgendered<br />
people. Contact: Jane Harris, pflagpv@<br />
valinet.com, (413) 625-6636.<br />
Help Line: (413) 625-6636.<br />
Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.<br />
Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the<br />
Pioneer Valley<br />
Meetings every Thursday at Pride<br />
Zone Center, 34 Maplewood Shops,<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n. Socializing, discussions,<br />
and games. Open for evening drop-ins<br />
Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday.<br />
(413) 584-1116.<br />
Safe Homes: the Bridge of<br />
Central Massachusetts<br />
Providing support and services <strong>to</strong> gay,<br />
lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via<br />
a weekly Drop-In Center, community<br />
outreach system and peer leadership<br />
program. Based in Worcester, serving<br />
all <strong>to</strong>wns in region. 4 Mann Street<br />
Worcester, Massachusetts 01602<br />
Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191<br />
Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm<br />
Email: info@thebridgecm.org<br />
SafeSpace<br />
SafeSpace provides information, support,<br />
referrals, and advocacy <strong>to</strong> lesbian, gay,<br />
bisexual, transgender, queer, and<br />
questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of<br />
violence and offers education and outreach<br />
programs in the wider community.<br />
P.O. Box 158, Burling<strong>to</strong>n, VT 05402.<br />
Phone: 1-802-863-0003; <strong>to</strong>ll-free<br />
1-866-869-7341. Fax: 1-802-863-0004.<br />
Email: info@safespacevt.org.<br />
Website: www.safespacevt.org<br />
The S<strong>to</strong>newall Center<br />
University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian,<br />
bisexual, gay, and transgender educational<br />
resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824,<br />
www.umass.edu/s<strong>to</strong>newall.<br />
Straight Spouse Network<br />
Monthly support group meets in<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, MA, the first Tuesday<br />
from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and<br />
present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or<br />
transgendered partners. Contact:<br />
Jane Harris for support and location,<br />
(413) 625-6636; aharris@valinet.com.<br />
Confidentiality is assured.<br />
The Sunshine Club<br />
Support and educational activities<br />
for transgendered persons.<br />
Info: (413) 586-5004. P.O. Box 564,<br />
Hadley, MA 01305.<br />
Email: av517@osfn.org<br />
www.thesunshineclub.org.<br />
T.H.E. Men’s Program<br />
(Total HIV Education)<br />
Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263,<br />
Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social<br />
gatherings, workshops, and volunteer<br />
opportunities. Email: eflash@sover.net<br />
Valuable Families<br />
Gatherings and newsletter for everyone<br />
who supports, cherishes, and respects our<br />
lesbian, gay, and bisexual families of origin<br />
and of choice. Info: (413) 774-2558;<br />
P.O. Box 60634, Florence, MA 01061;<br />
valfams@mailcity.com.<br />
Venture Out<br />
Organized activities, usually of the outdoors<br />
variety, for gays and lesbians. Contact:<br />
Elizabeth Wilbranks (413) 527-6582;<br />
P.O. Box 60271, Florence, MA 01062.<br />
Ventureout@geocities.com.<br />
GBQ Resources<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
19
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Men’s Health<br />
What Men Can Do<br />
Preventing Prostate and Testicular Cancer<br />
T<br />
here are many good reasons<br />
for men <strong>to</strong> take charge<br />
of their health. As we grow<br />
older, the risk of developing<br />
a chronic disease like<br />
cancer increases. Men need <strong>to</strong> get <strong>to</strong><br />
know their bodies, learn the warning<br />
signs of cancer, and follow a healthy<br />
lifestyle.<br />
Prostate Cancer<br />
Prostate cancer refers <strong>to</strong> a tumor of<br />
the prostate gland, a gland located just<br />
below the bladder where the fluid of<br />
semen is produced. There is no single<br />
cause of prostate cancer, but some<br />
fac<strong>to</strong>rs appear <strong>to</strong> increase the risk of<br />
developing it. These include:<br />
• Age—particularly after age 65<br />
(prostate cancer is uncommon in men<br />
under 50)<br />
• Family his<strong>to</strong>ry of prostate cancer<br />
• African ancestry<br />
• High levels of tes<strong>to</strong>sterone<br />
• Using cadmium at work<br />
What can you do?<br />
• If you are over 50 years of age, talk <strong>to</strong><br />
your doc<strong>to</strong>r about the risks and benefits<br />
of screening for prostate cancer.<br />
• If you have a higher than average risk<br />
for prostate cancer, you may wish <strong>to</strong> discuss<br />
the possibility of starting screening<br />
at a younger age.<br />
• Also, watch out for frequent, difficult,<br />
or painful urination; dribbling urination;<br />
urine that contains blood or pus;<br />
pain in the lower back, pelvic area, or<br />
upper thighs; pain during ejaculation.<br />
Testicular Cancer<br />
Although testicular cancer is quite rare,<br />
it is the most common form of cancer<br />
diagnosed in men between the ages of<br />
20 and 45. But it can almost always be<br />
treated successfully.<br />
The testicles are located behind<br />
the penis in a sac called the scrotum.<br />
Testicular cancer may cause one or both<br />
of the testicles <strong>to</strong> enlarge or it may cause<br />
a lump in the scrotum.<br />
What can you do?<br />
• First, all men age 15 or older should<br />
check their testicles regularly.<br />
• Become familiar with your testicles so<br />
you can detect any changes early; report<br />
any changes <strong>to</strong> your doc<strong>to</strong>r.<br />
• Have regular medical checkups by<br />
your doc<strong>to</strong>r that include testicular<br />
examination.<br />
• Watch for any change in size, shape,<br />
consistency, swelling, or sensation of<br />
your testicles or scrotum.<br />
• Notice any pain in the testicles or scrotum.<br />
1. Get <strong>to</strong> know your body.<br />
2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.<br />
3. Follow a healthy lifestyle.<br />
• Watch out for: a dull ache or heaviness<br />
in your lower abdomen; unusual<br />
and persistent backache; unexplained<br />
weight loss.<br />
Reducing Your Risk<br />
Research continues <strong>to</strong> show that some<br />
cancers can be prevented. Start with<br />
these steps and begin <strong>to</strong> reduce your<br />
risk of developing cancer.<br />
1. Get <strong>to</strong> know your body.<br />
2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.<br />
3. Follow a healthy lifestyle. VM<br />
Prepared by the Canadian Cancer Society,<br />
this article is used by permission of the<br />
Canadian Health Network.<br />
20
Take Yourself in Hand!<br />
How <strong>to</strong> Do a Testicular Self-Examination<br />
Testicular self-examination (TSE) is a simple three-step<br />
process that can help you detect testicular cancer early.<br />
All men should perform a TSE once each month from the<br />
time they are 15 years old.<br />
Ideally, you should examine your testicles after a hot bath<br />
or shower because the warmth will cause your testicles <strong>to</strong><br />
descend and the skin of your scrotum <strong>to</strong> relax, making it<br />
easier <strong>to</strong> feel any lumps, growths or tenderness.<br />
1. Stand in front of the mirror. Look for any swelling on<br />
the skin of your scrotum.<br />
2. Examine each testicle one at a time, placing your index<br />
and middle fingers of both hands on the underside of your<br />
testicle and your thumbs on the <strong>to</strong>p side. Firmly roll your<br />
testicle between your fingers and thumbs, carefully feeling<br />
for any lumps, growths, or sensations of tenderness that<br />
don’t feel normal. It is normal for one of your testicles <strong>to</strong><br />
be larger than the other. At the back of each testicle there<br />
is a soft cord. This is the tube that collects and carries your<br />
sperm. It is a normal part of your scrotum. After you have<br />
examined one testicle and cord, check the opposite side.<br />
Some men find that comparing the two sides is helpful.<br />
3. Become familiar with how your scrotum feels so you<br />
will be able <strong>to</strong> tell if there are any changes over time.<br />
Testicular cancer may not always create a noticeable lump<br />
on your testicle. Other clues <strong>to</strong> look for include:<br />
• any change in size, shape, tenderness, or sensation of<br />
your testicles or scrotum<br />
• a change in the consistency or swelling of your testicles<br />
or scrotum<br />
• pain in your testicles or scrotum<br />
• a dull ache or heaviness in your lower abdomen<br />
• abnormal and persistent backache<br />
• unexplained weight loss<br />
• breast development<br />
See your doc<strong>to</strong>r right away if you notice any symp<strong>to</strong>ms.<br />
Regular testicular self-examination is an important<br />
health habit, but it can’t replace a doc<strong>to</strong>r’s examination.<br />
Your doc<strong>to</strong>r should check your testicles when you have a<br />
physical exam. You can also ask your doc<strong>to</strong>r <strong>to</strong> teach you<br />
how <strong>to</strong> do a testicular self-examination.<br />
—Canadian Cancer Society<br />
A Gift of Hope.<br />
For the Holidays and Beyond.<br />
$14.95 each<br />
(includes shipping)<br />
Order Four or more<br />
for $11.95 each<br />
(includes shipping)<br />
All Proceeds from<br />
Calendar sales<br />
will benefit the<br />
Men’s Resource Center<br />
for Change.<br />
Stunning Pho<strong>to</strong>graphs of the natural beauty of western Massachusetts. Inspiring Quotations by voices for peace—<br />
Nelson Mandela, Howard Zinn, Gandhi, and more. Created and Produced by Pho<strong>to</strong>grapher Charlie Hertan<br />
Send checks <strong>to</strong>: MRC Calendar, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002<br />
Order online at: www.mrcforchange.org.<br />
For information, contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16; gcraig@mrcforchange.org.<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
21
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Resources<br />
Men’s Resources<br />
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning<br />
Men, see page 19)<br />
The American Cancer Society<br />
(413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups,<br />
patient support groups, nutritional supplements,<br />
dressings and supplies, literature,<br />
low-cost housing, and transportation.<br />
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project<br />
(802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS<br />
services, including support, prevention<br />
counseling and volunteer opportunities.<br />
Children’s Aid and Family Service<br />
(413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption<br />
services. Counseling for individuals, families<br />
and children, with a play therapy room for<br />
working with children. Parent aid program<br />
for parents experiencing stress.<br />
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016<br />
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter<br />
582-9505(days) or 586-6750(evenings). Overnight<br />
shelter for homeless individuals. 123<br />
Hawley St., Northamp<strong>to</strong>n. Doors open at 6 p.m.<br />
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)<br />
(800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-<br />
step groups throughout New England.<br />
TRY Resource/Referral Center for<br />
Adoption Issues<br />
Education and support services for adoptees,<br />
adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support<br />
group meetings first Wednesday and third<br />
Sunday of each month. Contact: Ann Henry<br />
(413) 584-6599<br />
Fathers<br />
Fathers with Divorce and Cus<strong>to</strong>dy Concerns<br />
Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar<br />
association lawyer referral agency. In Mass.<br />
the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some<br />
websites that may be of use <strong>to</strong> you:<br />
www.acfc.org *<br />
www.fathering.org<br />
www.dadscan.org<br />
www.divorcedfather.com<br />
www.fatherhoodproject.org<br />
www.dadsrights.org ** (notwww.dadsrights.com)<br />
www.fathers.com<br />
www.fatherhood.org<br />
www.fathersnetwork.org<br />
www.divorcehq.com *<br />
www.divorcewizards.com *<br />
www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/<br />
1259/links.htm *<br />
www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html (Fatherstuff)<br />
* good resource<br />
** strongly recommended<br />
At Home Dad<br />
www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad<br />
The Fathers Resource Center<br />
www.slowlane.com/frc<br />
National Fatherhood Initiative<br />
www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet<br />
The Fatherhood Project<br />
www.fatherhoodproject.org<br />
Internet Resources<br />
Men’s Resource Center for Change<br />
www.mrcforchange.org<br />
The Men’s Bibliography<br />
A comprehensive online bibliography of<br />
writing on men, masculinities and sexualities.<br />
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/mensbiblio/<br />
mensbibliomenu.html<br />
XY <strong>Magazine</strong><br />
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/XY/xyf.htm<br />
Pro-feminist Men’s FAQ<br />
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/pffaq.html<br />
Pro-feminist Men’s Mail List<br />
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/profem.html<br />
Violence Statistics<br />
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/vstats.html<br />
Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young<br />
Men (Lessons in becoming a straight man)<br />
online.anu.edu.au/~a112465/homophobia.html<br />
National Men’s Resource Center<br />
www.menstuff.org<br />
National calendar of events, direc<strong>to</strong>ry of<br />
men’s services and a listing of books for<br />
positive change in men’s roles and relationships.<br />
The Men’s Issues Page<br />
www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html<br />
100 Black Men, Inc.<br />
www.100bm.org<br />
Pro-feminist Men’s Groups Listing<br />
www.feminist.com/pro.htm<br />
Pro-feminist Mailing List<br />
coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/profem.html<br />
<strong>Magazine</strong>s<br />
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain)<br />
www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html<br />
XY: men, sex politics (from Australia)<br />
coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/XY/xyintro.htm<br />
Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men<br />
www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html<br />
The Men’s Rape Prevention Project<br />
www.mrpp.org/intro.html<br />
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out<br />
www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html<br />
ROB OKUN<br />
Justice of the Peace<br />
Officiating at Weddings for Couples<br />
in Massachusetts & Beyond<br />
(413) 253-7918<br />
RAOkun@comcast.net<br />
A Eunuch’s Tale continued from page 18<br />
dom as dreadful deprivation, and are<br />
<strong>to</strong>o frightened <strong>to</strong> give up their core<br />
masculine identity, despite what they<br />
might gain from doing so. Indeed, recent<br />
independent studies out of England,<br />
Australia, Israel, and Canada have all<br />
shown that castrated cancer patients<br />
feel humiliated and ashamed by the<br />
changes they’ve experienced as a result<br />
of their medical treatment. They typically<br />
view those changes as negatives, as<br />
I did at first. And they rarely talk about<br />
those negative feelings—for it is simply<br />
unmanly <strong>to</strong> discuss feeling unmanly, no<br />
matter how unmanly one feels.<br />
A core part of the problem, I believe,<br />
is the language of emasculation, where<br />
castration is equated with brutal punishment,<br />
mutilation, and <strong>to</strong>tal social, as<br />
well as sexual, impotence. I have been<br />
<strong>to</strong>ld by a few acquaintances, including<br />
an activist in the prostate cancer community,<br />
that I should avoid the term<br />
eunuch; it’s an insult.<br />
But is this his<strong>to</strong>rically valid? Too many<br />
people seem misinformed by mythologies<br />
about eunuchs. They believe that<br />
androgen deprivation must make a man<br />
servile, if not obsequious—meek, malleable,<br />
submissive, a sexual and social<br />
“bot<strong>to</strong>m.” A guy with no balls. This last<br />
may be true ana<strong>to</strong>mically, but not socially.<br />
His<strong>to</strong>ry shows us that for thousands<br />
of years, in monarchies from one end of<br />
Asia <strong>to</strong> the other, eunuchs were in the<br />
upper echelon of the social system. They<br />
were the senior government officials, the<br />
glue that held kingdoms <strong>to</strong>gether. They<br />
had full access <strong>to</strong> the seat of power and<br />
became generals, treasurers, chamberlains,<br />
and diplomats. Many proved so<br />
trustworthy and wise that they rose <strong>to</strong><br />
prominence within the imperial court<br />
and acquired great wealth, property, and<br />
their own slaves. The eunuchs mentioned<br />
in the Bible affirm their competency.<br />
For example, when Joseph went<br />
down <strong>to</strong> Egypt, the chief chamberlain <strong>to</strong><br />
the pharaoh was a eunuch.<br />
Modern endocrinology also gives a<br />
clear answer as <strong>to</strong> how docile or submissive<br />
eunuchs might be. My tes<strong>to</strong>sterone<br />
levels differ little from those of<br />
women—thus one should not expect<br />
22
me <strong>to</strong> be any more (or less) subservient<br />
than, say, our lesbian sisters.<br />
Frankly, I now view myself as somewhat<br />
transgendered—“out” of manhood<br />
perhaps, but not in<strong>to</strong> womanhood<br />
either. Rather I see myself as experiencing<br />
life from more than one gendered<br />
perspective. Admittedly, since I still look<br />
like a male in my daily life, acceptance<br />
of my “otherness” by others is not a<br />
foregone conclusion. But for most prostate<br />
cancer patients, acceptance of their<br />
own situation seems a bigger issue than<br />
acceptance by society.<br />
One social challenge these patients face<br />
is their emotional displays. Androgendeprived<br />
men are more spontaneously<br />
emotional. Indeed medical literature<br />
mentions heightened emotionality as an<br />
“undesirable side effect” of castration.<br />
But who’s <strong>to</strong> say that such emotionality<br />
is bad?<br />
In contemporary Western society<br />
being emotional, particularly for men,<br />
is seen as weakness. I’ll admit that I am<br />
more emotional now than I ever was as a<br />
male. I cry more easily, but not necessarily<br />
about my own situation. Instead, it’s<br />
the triumphs and tragedies of others that<br />
bring tears <strong>to</strong> my eyes. It is thus empathy<br />
and not self-pity that moves me. And<br />
if that is true, are my tears really a sign of<br />
weakness?<br />
Coincidentally, the one time in the his<strong>to</strong>ry<br />
of the Western world when eunuchs<br />
were most beloved by the populace was<br />
during the Castrati Movement. Then<br />
eunuchs, as operatic stars, were adored<br />
for their emotionality.<br />
It is <strong>to</strong>o late for me <strong>to</strong> be a castra<strong>to</strong>.<br />
(Besides, I sing bass.) But it is not <strong>to</strong>o<br />
late for me <strong>to</strong> use my broadened worldview<br />
and newfound passions <strong>to</strong> help<br />
myself and serve others. I have learned,<br />
though, that <strong>to</strong> get the most out of<br />
eunuchdom, I have <strong>to</strong> accept, not deny,<br />
my divergence from masculinity. I do<br />
believe that I have been privileged <strong>to</strong> see<br />
the world so differently. VM<br />
Moving Forward<br />
Copyright ©2005 by Richard Wassersug.<br />
Richard Wassersug is a professor of ana<strong>to</strong>my<br />
and neurobiology in the medical school<br />
at Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova<br />
Scotia, as well as an active researcher in sex<br />
and gender theory.<br />
Moving Forward<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
23
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Calendar<br />
Please send all Calendar Listings<br />
for events from December 15, 2005<br />
(and beyond) <strong>to</strong>:<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Calendar<br />
voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
or mail <strong>to</strong>:<br />
236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002<br />
Fax (413) 253-4801<br />
Deadline for Winter issue:<br />
November 25, 2005<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 3 - November 30 • Amherst, MA<br />
Conscious Communication Workshop<br />
The MRC’s Moving Forward program is<br />
sponsoring an eight-week workshop <strong>to</strong> help<br />
people stay connected with partners, family,<br />
friends, neighbors, and co-workers in<br />
the heat of difference. The workshop will<br />
be offered on Mondays (Oct. 3 <strong>to</strong> Nov. 28)<br />
and Wednesdays (Oct. 5 <strong>to</strong> Nov. 30). The<br />
workshop aims <strong>to</strong> teach people <strong>to</strong> use differences<br />
<strong>to</strong> actually grow in understanding and<br />
intimacy and <strong>to</strong> experience the joy hidden<br />
in conflict. Facilita<strong>to</strong>r Karen Fogliatti is currently<br />
both an associate with the Conscious<br />
Communication Institute and a counselor<br />
with Moving Forward at the Men’s Resource<br />
Center. The workshop is open <strong>to</strong> both men<br />
and women.<br />
Cost: $230-$280, sliding scale,<br />
includes materials<br />
Location: Men’s Resource Center<br />
for Change<br />
Info: www.ccitraining.org,<br />
karenmf@mindspring.com, (978) 544-3844<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 21-23 • Rowe, MA<br />
Nonviolent Communication as<br />
Spiritual Practice<br />
Nonviolent Communication helps people<br />
connect with the life that is alive in them<br />
and the living field of energy permeating<br />
and animating all things. In the evolution<br />
of language over the last several centuries,<br />
the dominant cultures on our planet have<br />
developed ways of communicating centered<br />
in the mind—in thinking, in knowing,<br />
and in judging what is good and bad, right<br />
and wrong. This language of knowing and<br />
judging cuts us off from life and creates<br />
the violence and suffering on our planet.<br />
The language of Nonviolent Communication<br />
(NVC) enables us <strong>to</strong> “come back <strong>to</strong> life,” as<br />
NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg puts it.<br />
Cost: $170 - $270, plus room and board<br />
Location: Rowe Camp & Conference Center<br />
Info: www.rowecenter.org,<br />
retreat@rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 25 • Los Angeles, CA<br />
<strong>Male</strong> Rape and the Human<br />
Rights Framework<br />
Lara Stemple, Direc<strong>to</strong>r of Graduate Studies<br />
in Law, will present her current research<br />
on sexual violence against men and boys<br />
in international law. Before joining UCLA,<br />
Stemple was executive direc<strong>to</strong>r of S<strong>to</strong>p<br />
Prisoner Rape, a national human rights<br />
organization whose mission is <strong>to</strong> end sexual<br />
violence in prisons, jails, and immigration<br />
detention. The prevailing approach <strong>to</strong> sexual<br />
violence internationally has focused on<br />
the abuse of women and girls. Numerous<br />
instruments in the human rights canon<br />
that address sexual violence, including UN<br />
treaties, resolutions, consensus documents,<br />
and general comments, exclude victims who<br />
are men and boys. Stemple argues that <strong>to</strong><br />
continue this approach in light of evidence<br />
that males are a small but sizable percentage<br />
of sexual assault victims is <strong>to</strong> ignore reality,<br />
perpetuates norms of women as victims,<br />
imposes unhealthy expectations about masculinity<br />
on men and boys, and inhibits effective<br />
advocacy against male rape.<br />
Cost: free<br />
Location: 1648 Hershey Hall, UCLA<br />
Info: www.women.ucla.edu/csw,<br />
csw@women.ucla.edu, (310) 825-0590<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 25-27 • Holyoke, MA<br />
November 10-12 • Amherst, MA<br />
Eyes Wide Open<br />
Beyond Fear, Toward Hope: An Exhibition<br />
of the Human Cost of the Iraq War<br />
“Eyes Wide Open” is a multimedia, multisensory<br />
journey through the words, images,<br />
and sounds of the Iraq War with more than<br />
1,800 pairs of combat boots representing<br />
fallen U.S. soldiers and thousands of<br />
shoes representing Iraqi dead. “Eyes Wide<br />
Open,” a vivid memorial <strong>to</strong> the Iraq War’s<br />
soldier and civilian victims, puts a human<br />
face on the war and helps further the wider<br />
discussion about the cost of war for our<br />
communities in the United States, for our<br />
soldiers who fight it, and for those who<br />
must endure it. Programs at both locations<br />
will include panel presentations, concerts,<br />
and film showings. Journalist/pho<strong>to</strong>grapher<br />
Dahr Jamail will speak on Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 26, and<br />
activist/mother Cindy Sheehan will speak on<br />
November 11.<br />
Cost: free<br />
Location: Oct. – Holyoke Community<br />
College, Nov. – University of Massachusetts<br />
Info: www.westernmassafsc.org,<br />
afsc@crocker.com, (413) 695-6059<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 28-29 • Deerfield, MA<br />
Witness for Peace New England Annual Fall<br />
Conference/Retreat<br />
Keynote speaker Noam Chomsky will stimulate<br />
the discussion around the central theme<br />
of “building movements <strong>to</strong> reverse policies<br />
of oppression” and activist trainings led by<br />
WFP National Grassroots Organizers will<br />
help move ideas in<strong>to</strong> action. Topics <strong>to</strong> be<br />
discussed include building the movement<br />
for Economic Justice in the Americas and<br />
an end <strong>to</strong> U.S. militarism in Colombia. The<br />
conference will also feature Flor Rivera, a<br />
researcher with the Center for Studies on<br />
Rural Change in Mexico (CECCAM); Mateo<br />
Bernal, a member of the Witness for Peace<br />
International Team in Oaxaca, Mexico;<br />
and Janna Bowman, National Grassroots<br />
Organizer on Military Aid <strong>to</strong> Colombia for<br />
Witness for Peace.<br />
Cost: $55 <strong>to</strong> $175, depending on registration<br />
date and portion <strong>to</strong> be attended<br />
(limited financial aid is available)<br />
Location: Woolman Hill Retreat Center<br />
Info: www.witnessforpeace.org,<br />
wfpne@witnessforpeace.org, (802) 434-2980<br />
November 1 • Worcester, MA<br />
2005 Teen Pregnancy Institute: Switching<br />
Gears in Changing Times<br />
Each year, the Massachusetts Alliance on<br />
Teen Pregnancy draws <strong>to</strong>gether teen parent<br />
and pregnancy prevention service providers<br />
from across New England for a day of continuing<br />
education, skill-building, networking,<br />
resource-sharing, and support. This<br />
year’s conference will provide an opportunity<br />
<strong>to</strong> learn about new approaches <strong>to</strong><br />
work with teen parents and in pregnancy<br />
prevention.<br />
Cost: $65 - $100<br />
Location: College of the Holy Cross<br />
Info: www.massteenpregnancy.org,<br />
info@massteenpregnancy.org,<br />
(617) 482-9122<br />
November 2-4 • Detroit, MI<br />
From Roots <strong>to</strong> Wings:<br />
The Future of Batterer Intervention<br />
This conference, featuring two workshops<br />
by staff from the Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change, is an important national conference<br />
on batterer intervention (BI). Presenters<br />
include men and women who started batterer<br />
intervention programs. Network with professionals<br />
working <strong>to</strong> end domestic violence,<br />
gain new <strong>to</strong>ols and strategies, learn about<br />
funding, legislative changes and current<br />
research, hear from communities moni<strong>to</strong>ring<br />
BI programs, be exposed <strong>to</strong> philosophical<br />
changes in BI programs, and participate<br />
in discussions on defining success.<br />
Cost: between $275 and $400<br />
24
Location: Detroit Marriott at the<br />
Renaissance Center<br />
Info: http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference.html,<br />
dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org,<br />
(517) 482-3933<br />
November 4-6 • Bangor, PA<br />
You Are Not Alone: A Weekend of Recovery<br />
for <strong>Male</strong> Survivors of Clergy Abuse<br />
<strong>Male</strong>Survivor will be holding a second<br />
Weekend of Recovery for any adult (18<br />
years and older) male survivor of clergy<br />
abuse (from any denomination). Among<br />
the goals of this retreat are: <strong>to</strong> provide a<br />
safe place where survivors of clergy sexual<br />
abuse can experience a sense of community,<br />
brotherhood, and joy; <strong>to</strong> co-create and experience<br />
safety with other survivors as they<br />
explore aspects of their healing journey; <strong>to</strong><br />
provide an opportunity where survivors can<br />
share their inner pain, strength and hope.<br />
To accommodate clergy abuse survivors’<br />
requests for a setting with no connection<br />
<strong>to</strong> any religious group, the retreat will take<br />
place at Kirkridge Retreat and Study Center,<br />
which has been providing an ecumenical<br />
and inter-faith space for rest and renewal <strong>to</strong><br />
people from many faith traditions.<br />
Cost: $415 - $475 (includes all lodging,<br />
meals and programming); some scholarship<br />
funds available<br />
Location: Kirkridge Retreat and Study<br />
Center<br />
Info: www.malesurvivor.org,<br />
hfradkin@malesurvivor.org,<br />
(614) 445-8277 x11, (800) 738-4181<br />
January 27-29 • Rowe, MA<br />
Gay Men’s Winter Retreat<br />
This retreat will be led by Christian de la<br />
Huerta. Participants will explore profound<br />
issues of life purpose, bridge the schism<br />
between sexuality and spirituality, and learn<br />
about conscious relationships. You will<br />
attain an expanded sense of your purpose<br />
as a gay man and gain a bigger perspective<br />
on yourself and life in general. You will<br />
reconnect spiritually and develop a deeper<br />
level of self-acceptance and self-empowerment<br />
with a group of like-minded others in<br />
a safe, fun, and nurturing environment.<br />
Cost: Sliding scale fee for the weekend<br />
(includes meals and housing) starts at<br />
$280.<br />
Location: Rowe Conference Center<br />
Info: www.rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954<br />
New Visions of Manhood<br />
Art Exhibit and Auction<br />
November 29 - December 3 • Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, MA<br />
T<br />
he Men’s Resource Center for Change is mounting an exhibit and holding<br />
an auction not just for art aficionados. Anyone interested in great<br />
holiday gifts and supporting the MRC will find great art, pottery, pho<strong>to</strong>graphy,<br />
wearable art and more. The exhibit will be up for silent auction bidding<br />
beginning November 29 and will feature works by scores of well-known artists<br />
including Barry Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie, Jane Lund, Jane<br />
Dyer, Robin Freedenfeld, and Clemens Kalischer. Saturday night, December<br />
3, features a live auction with sumptuous food, engaging entertainment, and<br />
ac<strong>to</strong>r-comedian Kevin Brown as auctioneer. Certain pieces will also be available<br />
for bidding online at www.mrcforchange.org.<br />
Cost: free for those purchasing art; suggested donation of $10 for others<br />
Location: A.P.E. Gallery in Thornes Market<br />
Info: gcraig@mrcforchange.org, (413) 253-9887 ext. 16<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
25
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Thank You!<br />
Publisher Says “Thank You!”<br />
The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisher<br />
of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>, receives community support<br />
from near and far. Hundreds of people<br />
have shared our inspiration and commitment,<br />
andcontributedtheirtime,services,andmoney<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward a vision of personal and social transformation.<br />
As our programs and services continue<br />
<strong>to</strong> grow in size and scope, we see that the size<br />
and scope of our community support also<br />
expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at<br />
the outpouring of support. We hope the followingacknowledgmentscommunicateasenseof<br />
being part of a growing community of support.<br />
Thank you.<br />
Donated Space<br />
Network Chiropractic, Greenfield<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n Council on Aging<br />
Fathers & Family Network Presenter<br />
Chris<strong>to</strong>pher Newman,<br />
YWCA Visitation Centers<br />
Grants<br />
The Kapler Foundation, Los Angeles<br />
In-Kind Donations<br />
Henion Bakery, Amherst<br />
Office/<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Volunteers<br />
Susan Craig, Chris<strong>to</strong>pher Klunk,<br />
Joe Leslie, Bob and Jesse Mazer,<br />
Russ Pirkot, Gary S<strong>to</strong>ne<br />
Facilita<strong>to</strong>r Training<br />
Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson,<br />
Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer,<br />
Tom Schuyt, Gary S<strong>to</strong>ne<br />
As always, we extend our gratitude <strong>to</strong> the MRC<br />
BoardofDirec<strong>to</strong>rsfortheongoingguidanceand<br />
support they give <strong>to</strong> this organization and all<br />
who are a part of it. We are also grateful <strong>to</strong> our<br />
volunteers who support us in so many ways.<br />
Double Play continued from page 9<br />
Was that modeling in any way a plus for you<br />
as a pro athlete?<br />
As I grew up in the sports world, it made<br />
it easier. In the beginning it was very difficult<br />
for me, playing baseball in the minor<br />
leagues and then in the majors. Baseball<br />
taught me how <strong>to</strong> have a thick skin. In my<br />
house I was taught <strong>to</strong> have a thin skin. I’m<br />
really grateful <strong>to</strong> baseball for teaching me <strong>to</strong><br />
have a thick skin. I want my kids <strong>to</strong> have<br />
thick skin. I remember getting really bent<br />
out of shape about stuff at home…that was<br />
fine in my house. As an adult, I’m grateful<br />
that baseball—it’s such a failure sport. In<br />
the clubhouse, you have a constant barrage<br />
of ridicule and banter that includes<br />
tearing each other down on a regular basis.<br />
As crazy as it sounds, it’s been really good<br />
for me personally. It’s the real world, it’s the<br />
way things work. If you’re <strong>to</strong>o sensitive it<br />
affects you. I want my child <strong>to</strong> be able <strong>to</strong><br />
handle what goes on.<br />
When you hear racist or sexist stuff in the<br />
clubhouse, what do you do?<br />
When you hear something racist or sexist<br />
you might say, not in an aggressive way, but<br />
a light way, “That was the worst possible<br />
word you could use in my house growing<br />
up.” It would be self-destructive <strong>to</strong> be confrontational.<br />
Internally, you have people<br />
brought up in different ways. There’s not<br />
a public forum with an open conversation<br />
about it. You may talk about it with guys<br />
who are sympathetic, or not. Generally<br />
speaking, baseball is a melting pot of races<br />
and financial backgrounds and upbringing,<br />
some people who have never been around<br />
somebody from a large city, only guys just<br />
like them. People handle it in different<br />
ways—like the swearing in the clubhouse<br />
or [lyrics] on the radio. Some guys don’t<br />
want their son hearing it, they only want<br />
Christian music; others say if you don’t like<br />
it, take your son out of here.<br />
Baseball players like former Sox outfielder Wil<br />
Cordero, José Canseco, Mil<strong>to</strong>n Bradley, and<br />
othershavebeenchargedwithdomesticassault<br />
and battery. How is that kind of issue seen<br />
frominsidetheclubhouse?Whataboutnow,if<br />
ithappenedwithoneofyourteammates?You<br />
havesomeauthoritybecauseofLisaandwhat<br />
happened <strong>to</strong> her. What would you say?<br />
Certainly, in my mind [domestic abuse]<br />
is unacceptable. How I would address<br />
that with a particular player is a completely<br />
different s<strong>to</strong>ry. The right thing<br />
<strong>to</strong> do isn’t always <strong>to</strong> say something <strong>to</strong><br />
the person about it. The person has <strong>to</strong><br />
be ready <strong>to</strong> talk about it, ready <strong>to</strong> listen.<br />
If I didn’t think somebody was ready<br />
<strong>to</strong> listen I would never approach him.<br />
I wouldn’t understand how that would<br />
be my place <strong>to</strong> do that. But their respect<br />
level would drop immediately from other<br />
players. We kind of police ourselves.<br />
When somebody does something that’s<br />
not just embarrassing <strong>to</strong> the club but <strong>to</strong><br />
themselves, you lose respect, and that’s<br />
the worst thing you can possibly lose in<br />
our clubhouse. Without that, you don’t<br />
have a platform, you don’t have the<br />
respect.<br />
You know about New York Yankees manager<br />
Joe Torre establishing the Safe at<br />
Home Foundation, also aimed at addressing<br />
domestic violence. Are you interested in<br />
working <strong>to</strong>gether with him?<br />
I’m so jealous that he has that name! I<br />
think it’s great—you talk about a guy<br />
with a platform and power, it probably<br />
doesn’t get much bigger than he has.<br />
He’s so respected in baseball and in New<br />
York, and it’s amazing and wonderful and<br />
we’re all very proud of what he’s doing.<br />
Do I see an opportunity for a collaboration?<br />
I would love that. He’s a busy guy,<br />
and [our foundation is] not completely<br />
off the ground. At some point in the<br />
future I would love <strong>to</strong> find a way <strong>to</strong> put<br />
it <strong>to</strong>gether and work with him.<br />
What is your vision for the foundation in the<br />
next seven <strong>to</strong> eight years?<br />
I’d like [the foundation] <strong>to</strong> be in shelters<br />
all over the country. I want <strong>to</strong> be making<br />
an impact improving women’s shelters,<br />
improving relationship skills for women<br />
and children, including boys and young<br />
men, in shelters, everywhere. We’re starting<br />
in a small area of Los Angeles County<br />
and with the shelter in Massachusetts.<br />
We have the Internet, we have our website,<br />
but I’d like <strong>to</strong> branch out all over<br />
the country. I’m playing baseball all the<br />
time, so my mom is hopefully going <strong>to</strong><br />
share my vision, and we’ll see how much<br />
money we raise. VM<br />
26
Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services<br />
Administrative Staff<br />
Executive Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Rob Okun<br />
Associate Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Russell Bradbury-Carlin<br />
Development Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Michael Dover<br />
Development Associate – Gretchen Craig<br />
Financial Manager – Paula Chadis<br />
Administrative Assistant – Ursula Shea Borneo<br />
Moving Forward<br />
Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Russell Bradbury-Carlin<br />
Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff-Acker<br />
Intake Coordina<strong>to</strong>r/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel<br />
Partner Services Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Jan Eidelson<br />
Franklin County Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Joy Kaubin<br />
Hampden County Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Scott Girard<br />
Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti,<br />
Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta,<br />
Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel<br />
Support Programs<br />
Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Allan Arnaboldi<br />
Support Group Facilita<strong>to</strong>rs – Allan Arnaboldi,<br />
MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom,<br />
Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács,<br />
Bob Mazer, Rob Parfet, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass,<br />
Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary S<strong>to</strong>ne, John<br />
Trainor, Peter Venman<br />
Youth Programs<br />
Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Allan Arnaboldi<br />
Group Leader/Outreach Worker– Paul Collins<br />
Board of Direc<strong>to</strong>rs<br />
Chair – Peter Jessop<br />
Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi<br />
Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell,<br />
Tom Gardner, Yoko Ka<strong>to</strong>, Jonathan Klate<br />
Executive Direc<strong>to</strong>r Emeritus – Steven Botkin<br />
Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst,<br />
MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801<br />
Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield,<br />
MA 01105 • 413.734.3438<br />
E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org<br />
Website: www.mrcforchange.org<br />
Support Group Programs<br />
■ Open Men’s Group<br />
Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office<br />
Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on<br />
Aging, 240 Main St., Northamp<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network<br />
Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).<br />
A facilitated drop-in group for men <strong>to</strong> talk<br />
about their lives and <strong>to</strong> support each other.<br />
■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood<br />
Abuse /Neglect<br />
Specifically for men who have experienced<br />
any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.<br />
Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC.<br />
■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning<br />
Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated<br />
drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning<br />
men <strong>to</strong> talk about their lives and<br />
support each other (not a discussion group).<br />
■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events<br />
Seasonal events with catered food, art and<br />
music, opportunities for interacting with<br />
GBQ men and other men who love men<br />
from Springfield <strong>to</strong> Brattleboro and beyond.<br />
Fathering Programs<br />
■ A variety of resources are available —<br />
Fathers and Family Network programs,<br />
lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops,<br />
presentations and conferences.<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10<br />
Youth Programs<br />
■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project<br />
Amherst<br />
■ Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations<br />
and Consultations for Young Men and Youth-<br />
Serving Organizations<br />
Moving forward<br />
Anger Management, domestic violence<br />
intervention, youth violence prevention<br />
■ Anger Management<br />
Various times for 15-week groups for men,<br />
women and young men at the MRC. For more<br />
information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23<br />
■ Domestic Violence Intervention<br />
A state-certified batterer intervention<br />
program serves both voluntary and<br />
court-mandated men who have been physically<br />
violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.<br />
Fee subsidies available.<br />
■ Basic Groups<br />
Groups for self-referred and court-mandated<br />
men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol,<br />
Belcher<strong>to</strong>wn, Springfield, and Greenfield.<br />
■ Follow-up<br />
Groups for men who have completed the<br />
basic program and want <strong>to</strong> continue working<br />
on these issues are available in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
Greenfield and Amherst.<br />
■ Partner Services<br />
Free phone support, resources, referrals and<br />
weekly support groups are available for<br />
partners of men in the MOVE program.<br />
■ Prison Groups<br />
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire<br />
County Jail and House of Corrections.<br />
■ Community Education and Training<br />
Workshops and training on domestic violence<br />
and clinical issues in batterer intervention<br />
are available.<br />
■ Speakers’ Bureau<br />
Formerly abusive men who want <strong>to</strong> share<br />
their experiences with others <strong>to</strong> help prevent<br />
family violence are available <strong>to</strong> speak at<br />
schools and human service programs.<br />
■ Youth Violence Prevention<br />
Services for teenage males who have been<br />
abusive with their families, peers, or dating<br />
partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18<br />
Workshops & training<br />
■ Men & Divorce<br />
This workshop series can help you get<br />
your bearings and find your way through<br />
the divorce process <strong>to</strong> reach a successful<br />
conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday<br />
afternoons. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St.,<br />
Amherst. For information, call Allan<br />
(413) 253-9887, Ext. 10.<br />
■ Workshops available <strong>to</strong> colleges, schools,<br />
human service organizations, and businesses<br />
on <strong>to</strong>pics such as “Sexual Harassment<br />
Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and<br />
Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s<br />
Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,”<br />
among other <strong>to</strong>pics. Specific trainings and<br />
consultations also available.<br />
Publications<br />
■ <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine<br />
includes articles, essays, reviews and resources,<br />
and services related <strong>to</strong> men and masculinity.<br />
■ Children, Lesbians and Men: Men’s Experiences<br />
as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors<br />
A 60-page manual which answers the questions<br />
men have, with first-person accounts by<br />
men and women “who have been there.”<br />
Resource & Referral Services<br />
■ Information about events, counselors,<br />
groups, local, regional and national activities,<br />
and support programs for men.<br />
FALL 2005 •<br />
27
new visions of manhood<br />
Art Exhibit/Auction<br />
A Benefit for the Men’s Resource center for change<br />
NOVEMBER 29 – DECEMBER 3<br />
Live Auction Saturday, December 3, 6:30 p.m. – 9 p.m.<br />
“Greg Gillespie in his studio”<br />
Pho<strong>to</strong> by Clemens Kalischer<br />
A.P.E. Gallery, 3rd Floor, Thornes Marketplace, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, Massachusetts<br />
• Ac<strong>to</strong>r/Comedian Kevin Brown, Auctioneer • Fine Art, Pottery, Pho<strong>to</strong>graphy, Wearable Art, and More<br />
• Sumptuous Refreshments • Engaging Live Entertainment<br />
• Silent Auction Bidding November 29 – December 3 • Online Bidding at www.mrcforchange.org<br />
FEATURING ART BY:<br />
Jane Dyer • Robin Freedenfeld • Gregory Gillespie • Clemens Kalischer • Adam Laipson<br />
Jane Lund • Barry Moser • Janet Walerstein Wins<strong>to</strong>n and more…<br />
Proceeds will support the work of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.<br />
For more information, call 413.253.9887 ext. 16 or e-mail gcraig@mrcforchange.org.