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14 Improve your Communication Skills Of those three elements, verbal behaviour – the words we use – actually contributes least to building rapport. Overwhelmingly, we believe what we see. In the famous sales phrase, ‘the eye buys’. If there is a mismatch between a person’s words and their body language, we instantly believe what the body tells us. So building rapport must begin with giving the physical signs of being welcoming, relaxed and open. The music of the voice is the second key factor in establishing rapport. We can vary our pitch (how high or low the tone of voice is), pace (the speed of speaking) and volume (how loudly or softly we speak). Speak quickly and loudly, and raise the pitch of your voice, and you will sound tense or stressed. Create vocal music that is lower in tone, slower and softer, and you will create rapport more easily. But creating rapport means more than matching body language or vocal tone. We must also match the other person’s words, so that they feel we are ‘speaking their language’. Building rapport: a doctor’s best practice Dr Grahame Brown is a medical consultant who wondered why his sessions with patients were so ineffective. He began to realise that the problem was the way he conducted the interview. Getting the relationship right is, he believes, the key to more effective treatment. My first priority now is to build rapport with the patient in the short time I have with them. Instead of keeping the head down over the paperwork till a prospective heartsick patient is seated, then greeting them with a tense smile (as all too many doctors do), I now go out into the waiting room to collect patients whenever possible. This gives me the chance to observe in a natural way how they look, how ( c) 2011 Kogan Page L imited, All Rights Reserved.
15 What is Communication? they stand, how they walk and whether they exhibit any ‘pain behaviours’, such as sighing or limping. I shake them warmly by the hand and begin a conversation on our way to the consulting area. ‘It’s warm today, isn’t it? Did you find your way here all right? Transport okay?’ By the time we are seated, the patient has already agreed with me several times. This has an important effect on our ensuing relationship – we are already allies, not adversaries… Next, rather than assuming the patient has come to see me about their pain, I ask them what they have come to see me about. Quite often they find this surprising, because they assume that I know all about them from their notes. But even though I will have read their notes, I now assume nothing. I ask open-ended questions that can give me the most information – the facts which are important to them. (From Griffin, Joe and Tyrrell, Ivan, Human Givens, HG Publishing, Brighton, 2004) For most of us, starting a conversation with someone we don’t know is stressful. We can be lost for words. ‘Breaking the ice’ is a skill many of us would dearly love to develop. The key is to decrease the tension in the encounter. Look for something in your shared situation to talk about; then ask a question relating to that. The other person must not feel excluded or interrogated, so avoid: • talking about yourself; and • asking the other person a direct question about themselves. Doing either will increase the tension in the conversation. As will doing nothing! So take the initiative. Put them at ease, and you will soon relax yourself. ( c) 2011 Kogan Page L imited, All Rights Reserved.
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5 The skills of persuasion The abil
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8 Putting it in writing Writing wel
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198 Appendix Steven Mithen’s book
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200 Appendix Chapter 9: Networking:
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