Brett Davis - AsiaLIFE Magazine

the Power of your
Inner Circle
In the first in a series of articles based on Citynetevents.com’s Meeting Point
networking and seminar nights, Paul Wong of Radical Coaching explains why mentors
are the key to your success and happiness and how to find the right ones. Edited from
the seminar by Tom DiChristopher.
"The key to
maintaining your
relationships
with mentors
is structure.
Remember, building
relationships is
tiring."
Consider the following: World
tennis number one Rafael Nadal
was mentored by his uncle Toni
Nadal since the age of 12. Bill
Gates had a number of mentors:
Ed Roberts, “the father of the
personal computer”; his parents;
and Warren Buffet. Google
founders Larry Page and Sergei
Brin point to Stanford professor
Rajeev Motwani as their mentor.
That these champions in
their fields became great isn’t
a coincidence. In Good to Great,
author Jim Collins asserts that
great companies understand
mentoring, noting that almost
90 percent of leaders who made
their companies great came
from within the company over a
10- to 20-year period.
Why is mentoring so important?
In order to succeed we
need people. More specifically,
we need the right people who
will help us become the right
person. The people who help us
become that person are known
as our inner circle.
Identifying Your Inner Circle
An inner circle is comprised of a
number of people in a mentor/
mentee relationship. A mentee,
or protégé, is someone who is
committed to cultivating relationships
that will help him or
her learn, grow and succeed. A
mentor is someone who is committed
to guiding a mentee with
all he or she knows. Think of it
as concentric circles, with yourself
positioned at the centre.
The outermost circle is made
up by distant mentors. These
are people we admire from a
distance. They may be people
of the past or who are still alive
today. We value their thoughts,
ideas and opinions and allow
them to influence us. There are
certain bloggers and newspaper
columnists you read. You prefer
certain authors over others.
You might admire some hero
from the past, like Abraham
Lincoln or Ho Chi Minh. These,
you could say, are your distant
mentors. By reading their work
or studying their lives, you’re
allowing them to influence you.
If we are being intentional about
it, we should ask, “Are they really
helping us to be who we are
meant to be?”
Distant mentors may be
people with whom you have a
very distant relationship. Maybe
they live abroad and you just
email them once a month or
once every three months. You
might turn to a distant mentor
for advice every now and then,
but you need to communicate
and make sure the relationship
is still there. You’ve got to keep
"Mentoring is
actually doing
business. You’re
exchanging very,
very powerful
information with
one another."
in touch, even if you’ve got
nothing to ask. Even if you’re
quite far away, ask if there’s
anything you can help him or
her with. Instead of emailing,
give that person a call. The telephone
always beats email.
Closer to you on the concentric
diagram are your peer
mentors—people who are
like-minded. For example, you
love entrepreneurship. You’re
just fascinated with what it
takes to be an entrepreneur. You
read books by Warren Buffet
and Donald Trump. So you
look out for people on your
level to whom entrepreneurship
appeals, as well. You want the
same thing and you’re willing
to help one another to achieve
it. You can learn from them and
they can learn from you. Those
are your peer mentors.
Peer mentorships work best
in groups. You slowly form your
relationship with them and then
start a group that meets regularly.
You can start that process
in your own company. You see
a few guys who really want to
learn and grow. They want to be
successful and you want to be
successful. That’s the common
ground on which you can start
building a peer mentor group.
It’s not only about learning
together. It’s about providing
support and encouragement.
You all want to be successful,
but the truth of the matter is
there are going to be challenges
in life. There are days when
your customer, your boss—
somebody—does something
that makes you lose your confidence.
You can go back to your
peer mentor group and talk
it out. Peer mentors are really
comrades.
Closest to you on the concentric
diagram is the master
mentor—the person you want
to be like. Sometimes a master
mentor is very hard to find.
Most people don’t even know
who to look for.
The key to finding a master
mentor is to look for people
who simply care about you
and sincerely want to help
you grow. A master mentor is
someone who has integrity and
is willing to tell you the truth,
someone who has humility and
also wants to grow. Choose
very wisely; it’s not a decision
that you can make and change
every three months. A mentoring
relationship will not happen
like that.
Take it slowly. You can’t build
an inner circle in one year. It’s
taken me almost 10 years to find
the right people. It’s like King
Arthur building his knights of
the round table. I don’t think
he put out an advertisement
saying, “I want to recruit 12
knights.” He knows who he’s
looking for. He builds his table
over a long period of time, and
then he builds a strong relationship
with them. That’s how it’s
done. It’s a long-term art.
Four Steps for Approaching a
Mentor
The peer mentor group is
actually easier to form. There
are a lot of stories of how just
with peer mentor groups alone,
people have really progressed in
their careers and in life. If you
really want to start somewhere,
start at the peer mentor level. At
least if you have the humility to
listen to someone at your level,
you can be sure that when you
approach a master mentor he
can sense your humility and be
more likely to help you also.
However, humility alone
won’t do it. You need a strategy.
The first step is to be intentional.
Being intentional entails
having a plan to approach a potential
mentor. Let’s say we are
working at the same company,
and after working together for
a while, I notice that I can learn
a lot from you. I want to have
a plan to be friends with you,
whether it’s just walking right
up to you and asking you to
lunch or signing on to some
project or volunteer work you’re
involved with. Try to find common
ground and start there.
The next two steps are closely
related: build friendship and
build trust. Consider what author
and motivational speaker
Zig Ziglar says: “If people like
you, they will be friends with
you. If they trust you, they will
do business with you.” Mentoring
is actually doing business.
You’re exchanging very, very
powerful information with
one another and building a
long-term relationship on commitment
and trust. Spend time
and build friendship first. Then,
find out if you can add value to
your mentor’s life, even if it’s
helping with the small things.
Every time you’re helpful, you
build trust. And then you reach
a stage where you are ready to
pop the question: “Would you
mentor me?” If the trust is right,
you are most likely to get a yes.
If the trust is not right, you’re
building up the rejection.
The last step is to be transparent.
That means making the relationship
official. It’s really like
dating. A lot of people go into
what I call subconscious dating.
They go to events and spend
time together, but they don't
acknowledge their relationship
until a third party asks, “Are
you dating?” In subconscious
dating, you’re just drifting,
going with the flow. Mentoring
is not going to happen like
that. You can’t just drift into a
mentoring relationship. You’ve
got to be very intentional and
say, “I want to go there, and I
see you want to go there too.
I admire you. I think I could
learn a lot from you. Could you
be my mentor?” Without that
conversation, it’s not going to
happen.
The key to being intentional
is making sure your three levels
of the inner circle are aligned
in regards to how you are
connected with these people.
The relationships don’t have
to be 100 percent identical, but
they’re aligned on what matters
the most. When inviting mentors
into your life, you should
consider three questions: Where
are you headed (your personal
vision and mission)? What matters
to you (your value system)?
Who can help you?
Making Mentorships Work
The key to maintaining your
relationships with mentors is
structure. This is where most
people fail. They’re really
excited about it, but then after
two months, after pouring
their whole heart into it, they
get tired. Remember, building
relationships is tiring.
That’s why you need some
kind of realistic structure,
whether that’s meeting once
a week or once a month. Peer
mentorships are best if you
can meet in groups, but master
mentors you need to meet one
on one. For both master mentors
and peer mentors, eat with them
once a week. Everyone has to
eat, so pick a lunch day. That
way, it’s there and you don’t
have to think about it anymore.
Every Wednesday, we have
lunch.
What’s going to happen at
Wednesday lunch? Have a plan,
and take it in small chunks of
time: We’re going to read this
book and discuss it for the next
three months. Don’t say, “We’re
going to do this forever. We’re
going to look at each other and
challenge each other to be successful.”
It’s going to get boring.
Whatever you choose, stick to it.
There are a few signs of a
healthy mentoring relationship.
You and your mentor should be
close, but you needn’t be best
friends. A mentoring relationship
should be interdependent,
not over-dependent. Your
mentor is an advisor, not an IT
Helpdesk. Your mentor should
draw you closer to your spouse
and family, not away; be aware
that a spouse or partner can feel
neglected if he or she perceives
that you can’t talk to them about
things you can talk to your mentor
about.
Everyone has some sort of
an inner circle. The key is how
intentional we are in building
our inner circle and surrounding
ourselves with the people who
will influence us to be the best
we can be.
Is your inner circle helping
you become a champion at home
and at work? If the idea is new
to you, you can begin taking a
deeper look at your inner circle
today and start building one that
will truly help you be the man or
woman you are meant to be.
52 asialife HCMC asialife HCMC 53