Issue 1247 - The Courier

16.lifestyle
thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle
c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
Tuesday 6 March 2012 Th eCourier
British Slang as
interpreted by...
Shorthand
Feminist
Society
Hold the fort whilst I burn my bra.
That’s classic misconception number one.
Honest?
Perfectly: the society is at least as (if not
more) open-minded and welcoming than
any other. People are encouraged to go
along to discussions or socials, whether
they are that way ideologically-inclined
or not.
So what would an interested but noncommittal
student encounter…?
Mainly open-ended discussion about
topical issues in women’s rights. Sex, the
sexualisation of women in culture and
women’s appearance are particularly
prominent. That doesn’t mean, however,
that guys aren’t welcome.
Sounds a bit intimidating for your average
bloke though…
Not at all - the society, which already
has male members, is trying to get more
men involved - it’s not about separation
of the sexes; equality’s the aim, ‘and to
defend women’s rights on the campus and
beyond.’
Defend? Violence? Really?
The society is about liberation, not
violence - ‘about identifying with others
who feel the same way’, especially in terms
of appearance - women feeling comfortable
in themselves, and not pressured to
conform to a stereotype.
A stereotype? Never…
Clearly you haven’t watched Take Me
Out or any other dating programme for a
while…
That was sarcasm. Lost on some, evidently.
Evidently. More importantly, SPEAK, a
collection of sexual experiences compiled
from anonymous contributions
from people in Newcastle will go live in
March, in collaboration with NUSU. The
compilation will be sold on July 7 at the
Cluny event, or at a stall on campus the
following week.
Really? It all sounds a bit risqué …
And you sound like my grandmother,
frankly. It’s anonymous, as stated, and
last year’s was a big success. ‘We hope it
promotes an open and honest dialogue
about sex.’ It certainly promises to be an
interesting and, hopefully, inspiring occasion;
if nothing else it is a unique event
‘crammed with all your weird, wonderful,
beautiful, sad, inspiring stories.’
Anything else?
The society meets at least once a week
and, apart from discussions, often organises
a night out in the pub, but no raves
per se. Two upcoming events also include
International Women’s Day Eve on March
7, and a collaboration the following day
with Newcastle Women’s Collective,
with more music, spoken word, film and
photography, ‘all from women in order
to celebrate the existence and diversity of
women performers.’
Sign me up!
To join go to the facebook page or email
feministsociety@ncl.ac.uk.
Nonie Heal
Seth from Superbad
“All mouth and no trousers”
Somebody that only gives oral sex
“Bloke”
Choking whilst giving somebody a
blow-job
“All to pot”
A call for everybody to start smoking
cannabis
“Pissing around”
A guy that attempts to urinate whilst
windmilling his penis
“Agony aunt”
A dominatrix that can be called on for
sexual punishment
“Arse over tit”
A guy that prefers butts to breasts
“Butty”
Somebody that regularly moons in
public
“Cock-up”
A guy that gets easily turned-on
“Backie”
Taking a chick from behind
“Tit for tat”
A girl who shows a guy their breasts to
see his penis
Illustrations: Daisy Billowes
Lauren Cordell
You’ve got problems!
Moderately attractive but still single, embarrassed by your metrosexual male friend , perturbed
by your peculiarly shaped penis ... oh dear! Luckily Uncle Monty’s here to help...
I am getting really frustrated
with my love life. I have been
single for three whole years now,
with barely a blip of interest on
my radar. I consider myself to
be a moderately attractive girl
and a pretty decent person, so
why the drought? I just don’t
understand how it is
possible for me to
have stayed single
for my whole time
at uni! And it’s not
like I have been
sleeping around
either - my love
life just seems to
be literally dead.
Help!
I think I can probably
understand
why – you’re a
needy, moaning,
bedwetting
crybaby. If I can tell
that from this short
missive, imagine how
many character flaws would
become apparent after spending
time in your actual company. The
Paris Hilton
“Bagsy”
Somebody that has really dark circles
under their eyes
“Totty”
A cute toddler
“Kip”
Somebody with kissable lips
“Bricking-it”
What a builder does
“Chap”
A cheesy wrap
“Shit-faced”
a new beauty treatment
“Dishy”
somebody that fits satellite dishes
“Slag”
A slow-motion slap
“Snog”
A sneaky frog
“Chuffed to bits”
Someone chopped up into little pieces
“Bog roll”
Rolling around in the mud
answer is, of course, somewhere in the
region of 30 to 40. If you tone down the
self-pity, then maybe – MAYBE – I’ll let
you take me out. I was quite the eligible
bachelor back in the day, though that was
when I couldn’t count how many teeth I
had on one hand.
Our mate dyes his hair blonde, waxes
his chest and wears what he describes
as ‘fashionable’ clothing. He thinks he
looks cool and is really manly, but we
feel kind of embarrassed to be out with
him on nights out. How do we tell him
he is trying too hard and to tone it down
a bit without hurting his feelings and
damaging our friendships with him?
I had a similar problem with an old
roommate of mine at Cambridge, name
of Liam. Our mutual friends decided that
the best way to go about changing him
was to crush his sense of self-worth and
individualism through the time-honoured
male-bonding technique of ritualistic
bullying. After three months of taunting,
stealing his belongings, ignoring him and
referring to him only as ‘Haircut’, his selfesteem
was low enough for him to accept
our demand that he shave his hair off in
exchange for basic social contact. Now, 23
The Queen
“Chavvy”
Somebody that is cheese savvy
“Grub”
An Australian larva
“Barf ”
When somebody laughs loudly
“Bugger”
Somebody with an interest in insects
“Batting for the other team”
Somebody that plays cricket for
Australia
“Plastered”
Somebody covered in bandages
“Rug muncher”
Moths that infest the house when the
domestic staff don’t clean properly
“Jammy”
A cake filled full with a large amount of
jam
“Minging”
A male singing
“Pikey”
An expert fisherman, most likely to
catch a pike
“Knuckle sandwich”
A snack eaten with afternoon tea
years later, he’s a fat mess and lives under
the sheet of corrugated iron opposite my
shed, bellowing profanities at children
who rattle his wacky shack with sticks and
pebbles. Still, better to be like that than a
preening turd.
Uncle Monty, help! My penis is bent. It
bends all the way to the left and hurts
when I masturbate. This is really annoying
and ruins my sex life. I’ve only ever
shown it to two people. One said it was
okay and the other just laughed at me.
This really ruined my confidence in the
bedroom.
One thing I would suggest is attaching
your penis to a splint, much as one might
train one’s begonias to climb a trellis. Alternatively,
have you considered that your
penis is going the right way, and that your
body is at the wrong angle? Sorry if that
sounds a bit poncey, I found an anthology
of existentialist philosophy quotations
in Leazes Park under Crackers Alan’s
collection of issues of Horny Housewives.
I’ve been meaning to have a word with
Alan about that actually – it’s incredibly
irresponsible behaviour to leave such filth
lying about near a playground. The kids
might read the magazines, too.