Scrumpy Nuts August - Mag 4 Live Music

FREE EVERY MONTH ISSUE 7 VOL 1 

SCRUMPY NUTS 

I DO LOVE A DROP 

OF CIDER! 

WITH THE AMOUNT OF 

CIDER WE DRINK WE MUST 

HAVE “SCRUMPY NUTS” BY 

NOW! EH LADS? 

* COMPLETE WITH COMEDY VENUE LISTINGS * 

* MONTHLY SERIAL * GOSSIP * JOKES * 

* TITTERING THINGS * MOANS * ITEMS OF WORRY! * 

APRIL / MAY © Scrumpy Nuts 2010


CD DUPLICATION + 

STUDIO + TEACHING 

FLYERS + DESIGN 

TICKET SALES + 

DANCE RECORDS 

BASSLINE RECORDS 

Meadow Street, Weston-Super-Mare 

01934 647 871 

THE PARROT 

A young man named John received a 

parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad 

attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was 

rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the 

bird’s attitude by consistently saying 

only polite words, playing soft music 

and anything else he could think of to 

‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled 

at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. 

John shook the parrot and the parrot 

got angrier and even more rude. John, 

in desperation, threw up his hand, 

grabbed the bird and put him in the 

freezer. For a few minutes the parrot 

squawked and kicked and screamed. 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. 

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John 

quickly opened the door of the freezer, 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto 

John’s outstretched arms and said “I 

believe I may have offended you with 

my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely 

remorseful for my inappropriate 

transgressions and I fully intend to do 

everything I can to correct my rude and 

unforgivable behaviour.” 

John was stunned at the change in the 

bird’s attitude, as he was about to ask 

the parrot what had made such a dramatic 

change in his behaviour, the bird 

spoke up, very softly. 

“May I ask what the turkey did?” 

G C MUSIC 

9 - 11 College Street, 

Burnham on Sea 

01278 794 434 

www.gcmusic.co.uk 

SALES - HIRE - REPAIRS 

INSTALLATIONS 

ROAD TRIP 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple 

stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. 

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, 

and resumed their trip. When leaving, 

the elder woman unknowingly left her 

glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss 

them until they had been driving for about 

forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, 

they had to travel quite a distance 

before they could find a place to turn 

around, in order to return to the restaurant 

to retrieve her glasses. 

All the way back, the elderly husband became 

the classic grouchy old man. He 

fussed and complained, and scolded his 

wife relentlessly during the entire return 

drive. The more he chided her, the more 

agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up 

for a single minute. To her relief, they finally 

arrived at the restaurant. As the woman 

got out of the car, and hurried inside to 

retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled 

to her, while you’re in there, you might as 

well get my hat and the credit card! 

************************************** 

* When you’re skating on thin ice, 

keep moving! 

* If you want to find your lost 

Youth, cut off his allowance! 

****************************************** 

* My granddaughter, a wise 

four year old said to her 

mother - “I don’t eat fish, 

but I eat their fingers!” 

APRIL / MAY 2 © Scrumpy Nuts 2010


A HOUSE WIFE’S BORING TALE of a holiday of a life time, 

the World cruise, I nearly got gondolaid in Venice! Arrested in 

China as a spy! Nearly but not quite drowned at Sea World, 

Florida! Met the Pope in Rome! Got pissed in Melbourne! 

EPISODE FIFTY ONE 

A RIGHT FISHY TALE 

It was a cold black night, so black we 

had no idea where with were! We had 

gone night fishing, I’d attached the 

speed boat trailer to the back of my 

Escort van, early morning and driven 90 

miles from home to the Hamble on 

Southampton waters, where we, being 

my brother in-law Sidney and my best 

mate Eric looked forward to a weekend 

of fishing out in the Solent off the Isle of 

Wight. We unhooked the boat on the 

slip way into the water, I had took the 

van after unloading our gear into the 

boat, and parked up in the car park. So 

off we went, only to find as we headed 

down river that Sidney pointed out that 

we must have a leak as we were slowing 

taking on water, at which point I sadly 

remembered that I had not put the bung 

in the hull of the speed boat! So back we 

go, I then had to remove the boat from 

the water, leave it at an angle on the 

trailer to let the water trickle back out. 

This whole process took a few hours, 

and we downed a few pints while we 

waited for the water to drain away! Right 

back into the water, bung fitted, van and 

trailer re parked, the three of us on 

board, off we went. By the time we got 

into the Solent, it was dark and we could 

see the lights from all areas, Lee on the 

Solent, Gosport, Portsmouth & Southsea, 

the isle of Wight, so we set up in a 

spot, got out the fishing gear, which 

after a time we must have all dozed off, 

only to wake to this complete darkness! 

Where are we? Had we drifted further 

out into the sea? ‘Can you hear a rumble?’ 

asked Sidney we all peered 

around us, Eric spotted it first, ‘Look, a 

light and it’s heading straight at us.’ It 

was too! I started the motor, only just in 

time as this rather large tanker passed 

the spot we had been, the three of us 

rather relieved as we bobbed up and 

down in the wash from the tanker. 

At this point we decided to head back 

nearer to Southampton waters, but due 

to the darkness, not to sure on the direction. 

So we again anchored up, set 

the fishing gear up and all dozed off 

again, to wake in daylight, at an angle 

on a mud flap, no sign of water and the 

nearest land well over two miles a way 

at a guess! 

We then had to wait hours till the water 

came back in, before we could move 

again, which was another three hours. 

Once we had water and began bobbing 

up and down again,rather cold and 

damp, we three decided to call it a day 

and head back to the Hamble, for breakfast, 

the van and trailer and an early 

departure for home! 

Cold, no sign of any fish, not even any 

rubbish we eventually headed home, 

the first and last time we ever went night 

fishing. Oh, on the way back the offside 

wheel came off the trailer, I wrestled 

with the control of the van, as the trailer 

wavered across the road, the free wheel 

had bounced over the hedge, and 

across the field. Now what, Eric went 

and retrieved the wheel, Sidney and I 

managed to find two of the wing nuts, 

and removed one from the other side, to 

get us home, all in all not the best of 

weekend adventures! 

On the way back we decided to make a 

detour and stop at the local supermarket 

for some fish, well we had to prove 

to the wives that we could catch something, 

didn’t we? 

More time was lost in waiting for it to 

defrost, at least we had got some good 

drinking time in! 



MIKE LANG 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

www.imagery.org.uk 

07889 815 860 

01278 792 784 

mike.lang@btinternet.com 

BURNHAM ROCK 

BANDS available for 

all occasions from 

the unknown to the 

well KNOWN 

PHONE JEFF on 

01278 792 334 

HE ASKED WHAT? 

* Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in? 

* Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 

* Can you cry under water? 

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

* What disease did cured ham actually have? 

* How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good 

idea to put wheels on luggage? 

* Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every 

two hours? 

* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

* Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? 

* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look 

at things on the ground? 

* How come we choose from just three people for Prime Minister and fifty for Miss UK? 

* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? 

They are going to see you naked anyway! 

* If the operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 

* Why is ‘Bra’ singular and ‘Panties’ plural? 

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? 

HE SAID WHAT? 

* If actions speak louder than words, you could say a hell of a lot with duct tape and 

a chain saw. 

* I think a good gift for the Prime Minister would be a chocolate revolver. And since 

he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him! 

* Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. 

Basically, it’s made up of two separate words ‘mank’ and ‘Ind. What do these words 

mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why mankind is! 

* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture 

us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it! 

* I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays eggs in my brain, because 

later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just the eggs hatching! 

* What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with birds singing and the wind rustling 

through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? When drunk, maybe go down 

to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down 

and go to sleep. 



DB’S MUSIC BAR 

AND NIGHT CLUB 

49 OXFORD STREET, 

WESTON-SUPER-MARE 

LIVE MUSIC + DJ’S 

CLUB NIGHTS + 

OPEN TILL 5 am FRI / SAT 

IF YOU WANT 

MORE BUSINESS 

YOU NEED TO 

ADVERTISE 

07919 315 433 

JOKES - funny fun from the fringe (fringe of what?) 

“My favourite overheard argument at an arts festival this year: ‘Roger, it was 

you that left bloody Actimel to spoil in the sun!’ - Russell Kane 

“If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne. My advice, hit it with 

a ship, I’ve seen people do that. It works! - Paul F Taylor 

“Have you been down to Morningside? It’s very pretentious, I mean I 

wouldn’t say that Morningside was pretentious but the ice cream van 

plays Rachmaninov” - Micky Flanagan 

“I took my nephew out recently. The London Eye was too expensive so I took 

him up a tower block in Hackney and told him it was the London Arm!” 

“One night, I was having dinner with a girlfriend. I ordered fish, offered her 

some and she said ‘Oh, I don’t eat fish... Because I’m Pisces.’ I said ‘wow 

Because I don’t eat scorpions.’ She was like, ‘Oh, because you’re a Scorpio?’ 

I said ‘No. They’re poisonous.’ - Celia Pacquola 

“My girlfriend’s mum has got quite a lot of crucifixes in her house. She’s a 

proper northerner, though: she’s got three that get bigger as they go up the 

wall.” - Rob Rouse 

“Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out 

In public.” - Andrew Laurence 

“My girlfriend said ‘Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every 

year than guns? ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘But a gun is easier to conceal.’ - Lloyd Longford 

“When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said ‘Oh, two 

or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.” - Josie Long 

“Velcro. What a rip off!” - Tim Vine 

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and hypodermic syringe - wouldn’t 

it be easier just to talk to a woman?” - Stephen Grant 

“ So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it’s going to 

have killed 37 million. It’s got to get going, hasn’t it, if it’s going to be a 

pandemic we’ve all been hoping for.” - Edward Aczel 

“Grandchildren can be F*****g annoying. How many times can you go ‘And the 

cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?’ It’s like talking to a super model” 

- Joan Rivers “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward” - Tom Stade 

“People were outraged because of Barrak Obama’s spiritual advisor. I think 

it’s great he had one. Who was George Bush’s spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? 

Johnny Walker? Jack Daniels? - Jeff Kreisler 

****************************************************************************************************************************************** 

CAN IT BE A MISTAKE THAT ‘STRESSED’ IS ‘DESSERTS’ SPELLED BAC 



MARKS MUSICAL 

INSTRUMENTS 

11 Bath Road, Melksham, 

Wiltshire 01225 899 046 

GUITARS - AMPS - DRUMS 

ACCESSORIES - SPARES 

LESSONS - REPAIRS 

NEW & SECONDHAND 

REVOLVER 

2 The Centre, Weston-Super-Mare 

TEL : 01934 628 866 

NEW CDS 

SECONDHAND VINYL 

BUY ONLINE AT - 

ebay : Vinyl at revolver 

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED wasting police time, was chargeable 

It was such a nice day that I made my even if a mistake had been made. 

way out into the big wide world for a It was at this point that I considered 

walk, that afternoon, by the end and on mad scientists who keep brains in jars, 

my return I considered the events and why they had not thought of adding a 

wondered why I had ever been tempted slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? 

to venture forth! I headed out across the Without, the smell in their laboratories 

common, thinking that it would be nice must be quite foul! It was at this point I 

to have a dog to walk with, but I must walked out of the trees back onto the 

admit I had many times considered this common, when a man shouted ‘Look 

contemplation. To much time and effort, out!’ As I looked round this cricket ball 

I had taken into consideration the financial 

cost as well as the time involved. no time to duck, I considered this as I 

hit me soundly on the side of my head, 

I walked towards the woods on the far fell to the ground. “I was the head of a 

side, stopping I stood and considered country sat at the table, we had lost, I 

the daffodil, dozens of them, bright colour 

of yellow and green, moving softly just as I was signing I’d glance over the 

sat considering the peace treaty, what if 

in the breeze. I considered the person treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 

who had taken the time to cultivate this ‘Wait a minute! I thought we won!’ 

rather popular flower, that is grown by I found myself awaking to the face of an 

the thousands, all over Europe, I also angel, “How do you feel? you’ve had a 

considered a world full of just daffodil's nasty bash on the head.” 

beautiful but over kill? I wandered I said ‘If you’re a cowboy and you’re 

through the woods taking a detour off dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet 

the path, when I tripped, on looking I it would really make you mad if you 

had tripped over a skull! The first thing looked back and the guy was reading a 

I did was call the police, But then I got magazine!’ 

curious about it. I picked it up, and started 

wondering who this person was, and fetch the doctor’, with that off she went. 

Oh, the angel said, ‘I consider I should 

why he had deer horns? I considered At this I considered that if I had a pound 

what the police would say when they for every time I spent a pound, because 

arrived, expecting to find a human skull, then, Yahoo!!, I’d have all my money 

instead finding a prat! I made a fast back! 

decision and carried on walking, in the With that the doctor asked if I had a 

distance I could hear a siren fast approaching. 

I considered staying and ex- 

I’d received, I consider this a stupid 

headache, considering the type of blow 

plaining my mistake, but no, I felt that question, all things considered! 



THE 

COMEDY 

Venue + Comedy nights listings 

Its free to list your comedy events 

** please check with the venue to make sure the event is still 

taking place, rather than waste a journey, cancellations do 

happen, we list in good faith, but events do change. 

The Listings are FREE ned@scrumpynuts.co.uk 

IF YOU WANT 

MORE BUSINESS 

YOU NEED TO 

ADVERTISE 

07919 315 433 

SCRUMPY BOB 

Artist Management and Agency, Promotions 

Marketing and Publishing 

www.scrumpybob.co.uk 

enquiries@scrumpybob.co.uk 

07919 315433 



www.mag4livemusic.co.uk 

Thursday 8th 

Lucy Porter @Bath Komedia 

Friday 9th 

Pappy’s 200 Sketches in an Hour @ The Anvil 

Churchill Way,Basingstoke 

Charlie Baker plus 3 @The Portsmouth Highlight 

John Bishop @Swindon Arts Centre 

Frankie Boyle @The Pavilion, Plymouth 

Saturday 10th 

Charlie Baker plus 3 @Portsmouth Highlight 

Hardeep Singh Kohli @Swindon Arts Centre 

John Robbins plus 3 @Bath Komedia 

Sunday 11th 

Shappi Khorsandi @Nuffield Theatre, Soton 

Craig Campbell + Joe Rowntree @Bath Comedy 

Club, The Porter, George Street, Bath 

Wednesday 14th 

Frankie Boyle - I Would Happily Punch Everyone 

of You in the Face @Portsmouth Guildhall 

Thursday 15th 

Frankie Boyle @The Portsmouth Guildhall 

Friday 16th 

S. S. Comedy Club @South Street Arts, Reading 

Andrew Maxwell @Aldershot West End Centre 

Maff Brown @Winchester Discovery, Jewry St 

Christian Reilly plus 3 @Portsmouth Highlight 

Laura Solon @Swindon Arts Centre 

Saturday 17th 

Christian Reilly plus 3 @Portsmouth Highlight 

Jamie Sherwood plus 3 @Bath Komedia 

Sean Lock @Octagon Theatre, Yeovil, Somerset 

Sunday 18th 

Alfie Brown @Nuffeild Theatre, Southampton 

Monday 19th 

Katy Brands Big Ass Tour @Swindon’s Wyvern 

Tuesday 20th 

Jokers Comedy Club @12 Bar, Swindon, Wilts 

Wednesday 21st 

Sean Lock @Tivoli Theatre, Wimborne, Dorset 

Thursday 22nd 

Idiots of Ants @Aldershot West End Centre 

Sean Lock @Swindon’s Wyvern Theatre 

Friday 23rd 

Idiot Arts Live @South Street Arts, Reading 

Paul Merton @The Anvil, Basingstoke 

Cole Parker plus 3 @The Portsmouth Highlight 

Andrew Maxwell @Bristol Comedy Box, The Hen 

& Chicken, North St, Bedminster 

Saturday 24th 


Ken Dodd @Salisbury City Hall 

Andrew Bird plus 3 @Bath Komedia 

Andrew Maxwell @Bristol Comedy Box, The Hen 

& Chicken, North St, Bedminster 

Sunday 25th 

Jon Richardson - This Guy at Night @The 

Bristol Tobacco Factory 

Tuesday 27th 

Lucy Porter @Swindon Arts Centre 

Thursday 29th 

Hardeep Singh Kohli @New Theatre Royal, Portsmouth 

Friday 30th 

Morcombe @Haymarket Theatre, Basingstoke 

Paddy Lennox plus 3 @Portsmouth Highlight 

Paul Keronsa plus 3 @Salisbury Arts Centre 

Laura Soton - Rabbit Faced Story Soup @The 

Brewhouse, Taunton, Somerset 

Joe Wilkinson plus 3 @Exeter Corn Exchange 

Repeat & Regular 

Every Tuesday 

Loin’s Den Comedy Car @Jester Bar, The Cross 

Kings, York Way, London N1 0AX 0207 278 8318 

****************************************************** 

THIS ENGLAND 

Spotted on an information leaflet delivered 

to local residents before the resurfacing 

of their footpaths - 

“The footway outside your property is 

programmed to be resurfaced within the 

next few days or dependant on 

progress, the day after. Please do not 

drive on the wet bituminous surface up 

to one hour after being laid as this may 

damage the material and may mark your 

car and drive ways.” 

****************************************** 

The girl who stoops to conquer usually 

wears a low-cut dress. 

It’s scary when you start making the 

same noises as your coffee machine. 

Blank account - nothing left in your savings 



JAGZ MUZIK 

Unit 6, Nightingale Court, 

Meadvale, Worle, W-S-M 

Jagz2000@hotmail.com 

NEW and USED - BEST PRICES 

Plus Rehearsal Rooms and Teaching 

Studios now open call for more info 

HORIZONTAL 

MUSIC STUDIOS 

* Professional Multi Track 

* 64 Channel Large Format 

Mixing Desk 

Visit our site @ 

www.horizontalmusic.co.uk 

Or phone - 01934 529119 

We are looking to launch ‘SCRUMPY NUTS’ TV but we have been having technical 

problems, like Arnold’s mum threw us out of her living room, then the garage, we then 

retreated to the garden shed, but a rat chewed through the main cable, which set fire to the 

shed, blowing the fuse box in the house! We have now borrowed Auntie Flo’s front room 

while she’s on holiday, we are working on it! More to come soon........ 

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN....... A CAT always hits the litter box... Better 

chance of training a CAT.... No matter what your CAT drags into your 

house, you don’t have to pretend you like it..... You never have to spend time 

with your CAT’S mother........ ....If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen 

to you....... A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner..... You can de-claw a 

CAT.... But try to get a guy to clip his toenails....... It’s okay if a CAT rubs up 

against your best friend............ You don’t have to worry about your CAT turning 

into a pig when you host a party....... A CAT knows you’re the key to happiness...... 

A man thinks he is.............. If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light 

petting will satisfy him.................. 



Saturday 1st 

Rosie Wilby @South Street Arts Centre, Reading 

Morcombe @The Haymarket, Basingstoke 

Andrew Ryan plus 3 @Liquid & Envy, Havelock 

Square, Swindon, Wiltshire 

Ava Vidal + Clive Owens + Rufus Hound @ 

offside Comedy Club, St. Mary’s Stadium, Soton 

Thursday 6th 

Stewart Francis @Aldershot West End Centre 

Lucy Porter: Fools Gold @New Theatre Royal, 

Portsmouth 

Friday 7th 

Rob Heeney + Benny Boot + Roisin Conaty 

@The George Hotel, South Molton, North Devon 

Saturday 8th 

Stewart Francis @The Gloucester Guildhall 

Sunday 9th 

Frisky & Mannish @Nuffield Th, Southampton 

Tuesday 11th 

Reginald D Hunter @Haymarket, Basingstoke 


Lucy Porters: Fools Gold @The Brewhouse, 

Taunton, Somerset 

Thursday 13th 

Reginald D Hunter @Bath Komedia 

Three Bonzo’s & A Piano @The Plough Arts 

Centre, Great Torrington, North Devon 

Friday 14th 

Reginald D Hunter @Barnstaple Queens Th 

Friday 15th 

Sean Lock @The Anvil, Basingstoke 

Reginald D Hunter @The Playhouse, High 

Street, Weston-Super-Mare, North Somerset 

Sunday 16th 

Eric Lampaert @Nuffield Theatre, Southampton 

Tuesday 18th 

Paul Merton @Bristol Colston Hall 


Stewart Francis @Swindon Wyvern Theatre 

Thursday 20th 

Stewart Francis @Swindons Wyvern Theatre 

Fristy & Mannish’s School of Pop @ The Fareham 

Ashcroft Arts Centre 

Abracadabra: German Humour Goes Global 

@ The Poole Lighthouse Arts Centre 

Friday 21st 

S. S. Comedy Club @South Street Arts, Reading 

Al Murray @Aldershot West End Centre 

Friskey & Mannish @Swindon Arts Centre 

Katy Brand @The Brewhouse Theatre, Taunton 

Saturday 22nd 

Eric’s Tales of the Sea @The George Hotel, 

South Molton, North Devon 

Abracadabra @The Dartmouth Flavel Arts 

Sunday 23rd 

Morcambe @Salisbury Playhouse 

Stewart Francis @Nuffield Th, Southampton 


Lucy Porter @The Bristol Tobacco Factory 

Lee Mack @Bristol Colston Hall 


Katy Brand’s Big Ass Tour @The Landmark 

Theatre, Ilfracombe , North Devon 

Thursday 27th 

Andrew Maxwell @South Street Arts, Reading 

Dara O’Briain @The Anvil, Basingstoke 

Sean Lock @Salisbury City Hall 

Reginald D Hunter @The Bristol Hippodrome 

Friday 28th 

Abracadra @South Street Arts Centre, Reading 

Andrew Maxwell @Swindon Arts Centre 

Saturday 29th 

Isy Suttie @ Liquid & Envy, 1 Havelock Square, 

Swindon, Wiltshire 

Dan Antrpolski @New Milton Arts Centre 

Friday 30th 

Dara O’Briain @The Anvil, Basingstoke 

Repeat & Regular 

Every Tuesday 

Lion’s Den Comedy Car @Jester Bar, The Cross 

Kings, York Way, London N1 0AX 0207 278 8318 

***************************************************** 

A TOURIST walked into a Brighton curio 

shop and took a shine to a life like bronze 

statue of a rat. He asked the owner how much 

it would cost. The owner replied: ‘£12 for the 

rat and £100 for the story.’ The Tourist said, 

‘I’ll take the rat but you can keep the story.’ 

Walking on his way with the bronze rat, he 

realised that a few real rats had crawled out 

of the sewers and were following him. 

Puzzled, he began to walk faster, but soon 

the rat numbers had grown even larger, and 

they were all screeching menacingly. The 

tourist found himself by the beach and seeing 

that the rats were now in their thousands, 

he ran down the pier and threw the bronze rat 

as far as he could into the sea. Amazingly the 

thousands of real rats jumped into the sea 

after it and all were drowned. Shaking a little 

the tourist returned to the curio shop where 

upon the owner ask “You’ve come back for 

the story then?” ‘No, I came back to see if 

you’ve got a bronze statue of a politician!’ 



SITUATIONS VACANT 

BULLSHITTER REQUIRED You will have at least three years experience of doing 

jobs for which you have no skills or aptitude, ideally in a banking/finance environment. 

Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and able to waffle in a 

technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified 

Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential. 

LIAR WANTED You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You 

must be able to claim a degree with first class honours, preferably from Oxford or 

Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. 

You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the move, so 

experience of police work will be considered favourably. Ties and/ or certificates 

are provided to add convincing “colour” to the successful applicant’s statements. 

INEXPERIENCED TIME WASTER WANTED - URGENT CONTRACT Candidates 

(under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages of a C.V. with 

claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150 years. In addition, 

they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies which nobody in their 

right mind could possible fit into a lifestyle which includes, for example, sleeping 

and eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category 

whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything 

about anything useful other than spending mum and dads money. 

SCAPEGOAT WANTED Conscientious and hard working individual. Experienced 

in customer support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills 

which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, 

coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. 

EXPERIENCED SCRUBBER WANTED Should be physically fit with good strong 

knees, since this position require’s a lot of physical movement. Must be fully 

competent and comfortable on all fours working in the doggy position, must be 

able to prove capable of doing the job. 

****************************************************************************************** 

EVERYONE ALWAYS 

REMEMBERS THE 

DAY A DOG 

SKATEBOARDED 

DOWN THE STREET! 



JAYWALK MUSIC 

127 High Street, Street, Somerset 

01458 441 141 

GUITARS large stock 

AMPS, ACCESSORIES 

PART EXCHANGE WELCOME 

www.jaywalkmusic.co.uk 

TAUNTON 

AUDIO VISUAL 

SERVICES 

01823 270 781 

07791 55493 

Sales - Service - Hire 

Here at Scrumpy Nuts 

the not for Bankers 

etc..... 

We have just taken 

On Arthur as our 

photographer, he 

really is a keen 

snapper. 

Not sure about his 

dress style? 



DISCOVERY RECORDS 

7 Litchen Street, Barnstable, 

North Devon 01271 325065 

MUSIC AND FILM 

ALL STYLES ALL FORMATS 

FOR A LITTLE COUNTRY YOU’RE REALLY 

IN THE SINKING SHIT!! YOU CAN’T 

RELY ON THE GOOD OLD U S OF A TO 

COME BALE YOU OUT THIS TIME, THEY 

ARE IN BIGGER SHIT THAN YOU GUYS! 



WORDY WISE 

* Charge of the Might Brigade - 

Can’t blame them for being uncertain! 

* Prontoe - Fleet of foot! 

* Picklish - 

Sent into hysteric’s by onions in vinegar! 

* Catymaran - A Women only trip! 

* Dickinson’s Meal Deal - 

Gives up cooking, sells the pans! 

*Chester-Le-Street - 

Where snow could halt test matches! 

********************************** 

A Teacher was observing the children one 

afternoon as they painted pictures. When 

she got to Cath, who was sat painting contentedly, 

she asked the affable little girl what 

her picture was of. Cath replied deeply: ‘Oh, 

a picture of God.’ ‘Aha neat!’ Said the teacher, 

‘but Cath, no one knows what God, er, 

looks like.’ Without looking up from the 

painting, the child said nonchalantly: ‘They 

will in a minute’. 

*********************************** 

All Modern Tech today 

A Golf pro was on his way to St. Andrews 

and stopped to enjoy the scenery. 

An old chap passing by 

commented: ‘Lovely car, that.’ ‘Yes’, 

said the golfer, ‘It’s a Mercedes-Benz 

saloon.’ Pointing to the dash board, the 

man asked; ‘What’s that?’ ‘That’s a satnav,’ 

said the pro. ‘It gives me directions 

to any place I want to go.’ ‘Wow!’ 

Said the old chap. Then pointing again, 

he asked: ‘And what’s that for?’ ‘That’s 

a hands free phone,’ said the golfer. ‘I 

can use it without taking my hands off 

the steering wheel.’ Getting closer, the 

old chap pointed to the bottom of the 

dash where the pro kept his golf tees. 

‘What are they for?’ He asked. ‘Oh’, said 

the pro, ‘I rest my balls on the those 

when I drive off.’ ‘Wow’! Said the old 

chap in astonishment. ‘Those Germans 

think of everything, don’t they?’ 

IN THE JUNE / JULY ISSUE 

* MORE COMEDY GIG LISTINGS 

for an entertaining night out with the mistress 

* Revealed Tony Blair’s spotted bum!! 

* Amanda Holden’s vagina signs recording deal!! 

* The TRUTH - who really stole it!! 

* Queen’s corgis resign!! Over own brand dog food 

* Prime Minister electrocuted changing Light bulb 

at no 10!! Sadly no improvement! 

* ARE MPs taking the shit as well as the piss? 

by claiming expenses for horse manure! 

* Seaside Council’s want new by-laws to remove 

Citizens from beaches for violating ‘Public 

Ugliness’. Plus lots more on-line bog reading. 

Not for BANKERS (very upsetting for parrots, bankers that is!) 

FREE to read - end the day the Scrumpy Nut way!! 



IT’S NEW, BIGGER, IMPROVED, A LOT BETTER THAN 

THE FIRST ONE, THE FUTURE IS HERE!! - 

YES WE KNOW - BUY ONE TODAY, LIFE WILL NEVER BE 

THE SAME AGAIN! MODERN TECH IMPROVES YOUR 

LIFE, LEAVING YOU WITH THE URGE TO KNOCK 

SEVEN BELLS OF CRAP OUT OF IT!!! 

UM , EXCUSE ME BUT - WHAT IS IT MEANT TO BE? 



HORRORSCOPES 

BEER QUOTES 

ARIES (21st Mar - 20th Ap) 

Always do sober what you’d do drunk. 

You have a strong need to express your 

That will teach you to keep your mouth 

creative talent on your next visit to the 

shut. - Ernest Hemmingway 

Job Centre. 

TAURUS (21st Ap - 21st May) 

You can’t be a real country unless you 

You could vanish completely under have a beer and an airline - it helps if 

your duvet, seek advice like yesterday, you have some kind of football team, or 

before it’s to late! 

some nuclear weapons, but at the very 

GEMINI (22nd May - 21st Jun) least you need beer. - Frank Zappa 

You feel the need to tell a friend that 

they have developed a creepy feeling, A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t 

you now fear for your life! 

even have the decency to thank her. 

CANCER (22nd Jun - 23rd Jul) 

- W. C. Fields 

You will let domestic chores go, as you 

When I read about the evils of drinking, 

develop into a complete and utter slob! 

I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman 

LEO (24th Jul - 23rd Aug) 

Your pubic hairs start to grow at an Beer is proof that God loves us and 

alarming rate, the faster you remove the wants us to be happy. 

faster they grow, Doctors have no answer, 

and specialists cost a fortune! 

- Benjamin Franklin 

VIRGO (24th Aug - 23rd Sept) Without question, the greatest invention 

in the history of mankind is beer. 

This is a significant phase in a disastrous 

relationship, you get shot! Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also 

LIBRA (24th Sept - 23rd Oct) 

a fine invention, but the wheel does not 

go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry 

Expect ructions with Tuesday’s full 

moon, as you form a relationship with a 

The problem with the world is that everyone 

is a few drinks behind. 

werewolf called Fred, hairy, scary and 

weird! 

- Humphery Bogart 

SCORPIO (24th Oct - 22nd Nov) 

You should be aware of the woman with I would kill everyone in this room for a 

the cards, mind the table leg on the right. drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson 

SAGITTARIUS (23rd Nov - 21st Dec) 

You’d be rich and successful if only you Not all chemicals are bad. Without 

would take the chance. Settle on one chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, 

for example, there would be no way 

and go for it! 

CAPRICORN (22nd Dec - 20th Jan) to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. 

- Dave Barry 

Don’t overlook the distance between 

you and the ground, it takes longer than 

You’re not a drunk if you can lie on the 

you think to end it all. 

floor without holding on. - Dean Martin 

AQUARIUS (21st Jan - 19th Feb) 

Staying ignorant is a risk you can avoid, All right, brain, I don’t like you and you 

it could well be fatal, rather than just an don’t like me - so let’s just do this and 

itch! 

I’ll get back to killing you with beer. 

PISCES (20th Feb - 20th Mar) 

- Homer Simpson 

Don’t take bad luck lying down! Fake it! 



G C Music and Collectable’s 

HICKIES MUSIC STORE 

BUY - SELL - EXCHANGE 

153 Friar Street, Reading 

Musical Instruments 

01189 575 771 Records, Books, Hi-Fi, Comics 

www.hickies.co.uk Military Items etc.............. 

143B East Reach, Taunton 

HICKIES 7 Lowmans Way, 

Somerset call, phone, e-mail 

Tiverton, Devon EX16 6SR 

01823 323060 

01884 257 211 

tattmancharman@yahoo.co.uk 

MAKING MUSIC WITH THE HEAVENLY CHOIR 

Somewhere in Music Heaven, there’s a helluva gig going on 

Jimi and Buddy are rocking the joint with that fabulous pair George and John 

Karen and Cass revive seventies hits, while Ella and Satch sing the blues 

Keith’s going bonkers behind his drums, as Elvis belts out ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ 

Frank, with his legendary style and panache, delivers those standards of yore 

And while Dorsey’s orchestra plays ‘Cheek to Cheek’ 

Fred and Ginger are taking the floor 

Marvin and Otis are there on the bill, with that famous grand-daddy of soul 

Peggy and Judy sing songs from the shows accompanied by Nat King Cole 

And now this rare line up’s been joined by a star, whose radiance will never die 

They’ll all welcome Michael with Rapturous applause 

In that great concert hall in the sky 

- I G Fenner 

*********************************************************************************************** 

HANDY HOUSEHOLD TIPS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN 

* Delia’s way - stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent 

ice cream drips. The Real Woman’s way - just suck the ice cream out of the bottom 

of the cone, for God’s sake, you’re probably lying on the couch anyway. 

* Delia’s way - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with a potato 

The Real Woman’s way - Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year! 

* Delia’s way - If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s cooking, drop in a potato 

slice. The Real Woman’s way - If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s 

tough sh*t. Now, please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: “I made it, you eat it, 

and I don’t care how bad it tastes! 

* Delia’s way - Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a 

beautiful glossy finish. The Real Woman’s way - Morrison’s frozen pie directions do 

not include brushing any egg white over the crust - so we don’t do that! 

* Delia’s way - Cures for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub in on your 

forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Woman’s way - cure for headaches. 

Take a lime, cut in half and drop in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink vodka. You might still 

have the headache, but at least you will be happy. 

* Delia’s way - if you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. 

They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. 

The Real Woman’s way - Forget the gloves, use that gadget you keep in front of the 

TV.... That’s what he’s there for isn’t it? 



SCRUMPY BOB 

AGENCY - MARKETING 

MANAGEMENT 

PROMOTIONS 

ADVICE and INFORMATION 

and a lot more................... 

www.scrumpybob.co.uk 

KEWDISK 

CD and DVD Duplication 

PROFESSIONAL TOP 

GRADE QUALITY FINISH 

TO YOUR CD’S / DVD’S 

01934 631279 

Stonecottage229@aol.com 

God is watching 

The kids were lined up for lunch in the 

Catholic school’s cafeteria. On the table 

was a largish pile of apples. The nuns 

had written a note and put it on the tray, 

saying: ‘Take one only, God is watching.’ 

Moving further down the lunch line, 

at the other end of the table was a larger 

pile of chocolate chip cookies. On the 

tray beside them, a kid had written: 

‘Take what you want. God is watching 

the apples.’ 

******************************************* 

I SEE, BUT I DON’T REALLY, DO I? 

Never under any circumstances take a 

sleeping pill and a laxative on the same 

night. 

If you had to identify, in one word, the 

reason why the human race has not 

achieved, and never will achieve, its full 

potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ 

There is a fine line between ‘hobby’ and 

‘mental illness.’ 

People who want to share their religious 

views with you almost never want you 

to share yours with them. 

You should not confuse your career 

with your life. 

No matter what happens, somebody will 

find a way to take it too seriously. 

When trouble arises and things look 

bad, there is always one individual who 

perceives a solution and is willing to 

take comand...... Very often, that individual 

is mad. 

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. 

Just get up and dance. 

The most powerful force in the universe 

is gossip. 

You should never say anything to a 

woman that even remotely suggests 

that you think she’s pregnant unless 

you can see an actual baby emerging 

from her at that moment. 

There comes a time when you stop expecting 

other people to make a big deal 

about your birthday. That time is age 

eleven. 

The main accomplishment of almost all 

organised protests is to annoy people 

not in them. 

A person who is nice to you, but rude to 

the waiter, is not a nice person. 

The one thing that unites all human 

beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, 

etc.... is that, deep down inside, 

we ALL believe that we are above average 

drivers. 



The small print as used to save money 

(who really cares about saving the rather 

hairy 12 toed spotted wiggy wagger!) 

anyway I digress - views expressed by 

contributors are not necessary those of 

or the publisher. All manuscripts, 

illustrations and photo’s, grubby 

bits of paper, chocolate bar rappers, 

crisp packets, and used condoms submitted 

to whether at the 

request of or otherwise, are submitted 

entirely at the suppliers / owners risk, 

neither can we be held responsible for 

stolen or copied material, as we are 

sure that certain bastards of this society 

we happen to live in, who don’t give a 

fig about anyone’s copy right, will take 

the opportunity to claim that all or any 

are theirs to do as they please (this also 

includes Politicians, Estate Agents and 

anyone else, but not penguins, who are 

nice friendly little fellows, who seem to 

like ice!). Whilst every care is taken in 

the event of loss or damage to materials 

etc.... cannot hold or feel 

themselves responsible, nor can it accept 

any liability for mistakes or misprints, 

your lunch or the amount of 

cider you drank last night. No part of 

this publication may be used or reproduced 

in any shape or form without our 

express permission, yes you, OUR written 

permission, not your wife’s brothers 

or the local vicars, your Uncle Fred’s 

but OUR written permission. If you don’t 

OUR Mr Scrumpo will get very cross 

and upset, he may resort to sending in 

the boys! The problem today is whatever 

you write and print or the actions you 

take, you can be assured that it’s all 

been done before, so we naturally assume, 

even if we don’t like it that contributed 

items remain without copyright 

just as we assume that everyone copies 

our stuff and we can’t do anything 

about it! The aim of this magazine is to 

Definitely not for Bankers! 

promote humour, comedy, entertainment 

and prove that it really is a mad, 

mad world. 

TO CONTACT US email - 

ned@scrumpynuts.co.uk 

Adverts are available at the most really 

high extortionate rates to be found, anywhere 

in the South Pacific, Hungary, 

Poland, Turkey and for that matter even 

India! But not in the Canary Islands. 

Our rates are very cheap verging on the 

desperate!! Please e-mail your interest 

and requirements plus your Bank details 

with security codes etc...... 

We may be rather long winded in replying, 

depending on what day of the 

month it is or where we are situated, 

and the general state of our finances! 

THE COMEDY 

LISTINGS ARE 

FREE 

just e-mail us every month. 

COPY DATE is the 

20th 

of the month 

for the following 

months issue 



TWATS! 

WHO’S BIGGLES? 

BIGGLES? 

SMART! 

A GROUP OF UNEMPLOYED 

BANKERS 

Was it a close encounter? 

The magazine so far has touched the minds of many readers 

and their suggestions have not been well received by 

Gordon Brown!! We had an interesting email from a Mr 

D. Head, who thought we were heading in the right direction, 

but please increase our speed for the sooner we get 

there the cleaner the web will be!!

Scrumpy Nuts August - Mag 4 Live Music

You also want an ePaper? Increase the reach of your titles

Delete template?

Save as template?