Lisgarwrite - Lisgar Collegiate Institute

Lisgarwrite
By: Bridget Guan
“Deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalala—”
Screech. Crash. Bang. And that, folks, is the sound of a
train wreck. Okay, well, maybe not really, but at least
that’s what it feels like.
Good day everyone. My name is Bridget, and I
hate Christmas music.
Now, before you all scream "Bloody murder"
and stampede towards me with sharpened candy canes
and poisonous wreaths, hear me out. Good. Now put
the candy canes down. That’s better.
Why am I so averse to holiday music I admit,
when I was younger, I was as enthusiastic about
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and
Frosty the Snowman as the rest of you.
What changed all of that Growing up.
How disillusioned I was when I stepped
away from elementary and middle school
and over the threshold of high school and
the (almost) adult world!
O Not So Silent Night
Because really, Rudolph the Red
Nose Reindeer was a terrible mockery of
some poor caribou’s sinuses—the poor dear (pun
intended) can’t help the fact that he is horribly allergic
to mistletoe! And as for Frosty, let me tell you, that is
one demonically-possessed snowman. Not enough for
you What about that classic, O Christmas Tree If I
wanted to sing to a tree, I would become an
environmentalist.
Frighteningly enough, the song lyrics aren’t
even the worst part. No, that is a rather dubious honour
reserved for the tunes of these songs. These jingles
obnoxiously worm their way into your ears and burrow
deep into your brain. Don’t know the lyrics That’s
okay! You can hum along endlessly to these tunes
anyways. What could be better than having infinite
falalas looping through your head when you desperately
need to study for that next math quiz or history essay
(for those who haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m
emanating waves of sarcasm right now)
These melodies won’t be easily forgotten,
either. And just like The Game, the moment you think
about them, you know you’re already lost. And don’t
think they can just be pushed out of your head, either.
Sure, you can try to replace them through replays of “I
just can’t forget you” or “Don’t call my name,
Alejandro”, but it won’t work.
Sooner or later, you will pass another Lisgarite
in the hallways. And, according to Murphy’s Law, this
Lisgarite will also be a member of any one of the Lisgar
music ensembles and will be humming the piece that
will be performed at Music Night. Of course, knowing
the time of year, that piece will be oh so
Christmacy, cheery, and migraineinducing.
And Bam! All of your hard work
will be wasted as another irritating tune
begins to loop inside your skull. I know
that this has happened to you before. I
know that each of you holds a grudge
against one music student or another for
their infiltration into your mind to the
background noise of sleigh bells.
The funny thing is, I have nothing against the
holiday itself. Sure, the decorations can be kind of tacky
and the term “White Christmas” implies at least two
inches of snow, but that’s a rant for another day. I can
even say that I like the days off from school and the
presents under the tree (who wouldn’t). So there must
be something else, apart from the obnoxiousness of the
music, that has turned me against Christmas carols…
Or maybe it all stems back to that one “Variant
on a Christmas Carol” that I played as part of grade 8
band, in which, out of a possible 72 bars, I spent 56 of
them repeating the same melodic fragment. Without
rests. I’m getting lightheaded just thinking about it. But
really, that trauma would explain a lot…