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Ask Helen
When playing the dating game, listen to your gut
photo Sol Neelman
Dear Helen:
I’m once divorced, then single six years
after another long-term relationship in
which I repeated all the mistakes of my first.
Now that I’ve taken the time to do my emotional
homework, I’m ready for something
healthier and happier. I’ve made “The List”
for what I want in my next (and hopefully
last) mate. But I don’t know how closely I
should cling to it. Is “settling” just a setup for
another failure
One Toe Near the Water
Dear One Toe:
Everyone should have a List. For
readers who haven’t made one, consider
important variables to be clear about
before serious commitment: communication
styles (both when things are good
and after a fight); emotional accessibility;
lifestyle compatibility; social values;
intellect; financial equity, values and style;
humor; spirituality; and sensuality. Also
important – deeply liking one another.
One very good indicator of a potential
relationship’s good long-run potential is
visceral: Do you feel natural and at ease
when you’re together At a gut level, are
you comfortable being you Or do you
feel either like you’re trying to impress
or you’re reflexively critical of the person
across the table If you’re more often
squelching your response than speaking
easily, or don’t feel heard when you speak
from the heart, recognize the bad danger
signals.
Here are my three simplest dating
rules. One: Don’t be with anyone who
66 JULY 2012 | OREGON JEWISH LIFE
doesn’t want to be with you. That eliminates
folks still in love with their exes or
lusting for someone else and those who
aren’t present and attentive when you’re
together. Two: Don’t be with someone just
because s/he wants to be with you. There’s
nothing as unattractive as desperation, on
either side of the dating equation. You’ve
waited a long time, so do this right. Three:
You get to decide. Grant yourself the luxury
of choice, rather than being charmed or
overwhelmed by someone else’s needs or
the illusory pressure of time. See where
your list and their list intersect. There are
lots of eligible singles, but many to be
sifted through. Network with friends; tell
them what’s on your list. People love to
help others find a good connection. Don’t
judge too quickly, but don’t be afraid to
bail if it doesn’t feel right.
Dear Helen:
I need job hunting and interviewing
tips. I’m a few years out of college and need a
full-time job, hopefully one that will lead to
a real career. I’ve been busy with part-time
gigs, mostly working with at-risk youth and
disabled kids, plus volunteering at a crisis
line. I have lots of research and writing
experience from my college days. Anyone
who reads my case studies and reports comments
on how insightful and articulate I
am. People of all ages like me and seem to
trust me. I’m a good schmoozer and have
considered sales. But I don’t know how to get
my foot in the door. Tips Ideas A job you
can hand me
Ready For Prime Time
Dear Ready:
After good connections, nothing
substitutes for a good resume and cover
letter. Without a piece of paper that
highlights your experience and skills,
you’re unlikely to get interviewed. In
your case, organizing it by skill set rather
than as a list of jobs will serve you best.
Think about categories of work you have
done: case management, crisis intervention,
interviewing and report writing,
etc. Summarize your know-how in each
category. Include all your computer and
office skills and your volunteer work. List
your actual jobs chronologically in a separate
grouping. If you have summer jobs
like yard helper or nanny, include them.
Employers like people who’re broken into
working and have learned how to interact
well with others. Focus readers on what
you can do for them, especially in your
cover letter. Collect reference letters from
every professional who’ll say excellent
things about you; attach them when you
apply.
Track all posted openings and apply
for everything that’s even a remote possibility.
Don’t be discouraged if you do
not get acknowledgments or interviews.
You’re playing a numbers game in a bad
economy. In addition, try for informational
interviews at places you’d really like
to work. If you can get any foot in any
door, be ready to sound like a veteran, yet
enthusiastic and un-jaded. Schmoozing’s
great. Come with good stories about
what you’ve already done. Practice telling
them so they are pithy and engaging and
show off both your skills and personality.
People get hired for their potential as
well as their experience. Your job is to
sell yourself as someone who will do a
great job for whoever gives you the break.
Make interviewers think and laugh, and
make them like you. Then they’ll be ready
to hire you.
A resident of Eugene since 1981, Helen is a member
of Temple Beth Israel, where she studies and
speaks on Torah. She claims to have black belts
in schmoozing, problem-solving and chutzpah.
She’s a writer and an artist (www.kabbalahglass.
com). Please email your questions to helen@
yourjewishfairygodmother.com.