Choice, The Magazine of Professional Coaching

Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com
EXPERT GUIDANCE ON CRITICAL COACHING ISSUES
Helping a client
overcome the
“pleaser”mentality
the situation
the experts weigh in
By Carol Adrienne, PhD
Your brief description of his internal situation seems
to indicate a nature that has been locked into performing.
If he is the type who believes that his survival
depends on doing in order to prove his worthiness,
then he must first become aware of such tendencies. No
doubt he’ll continue to be active and busy, but the goal is to
make choices that bring more happiness!
Over-busyness could serve him by feeding that drive to
perform, so that he can feel he is being there for everyone –
except, of course, for himself. Our culture teaches us at an
early age that we need to be better, try harder, and take on
more and more, at the risk of ignoring parts of ourselves
that other parts don’t approve of. As his coach, avoid giving
the impression that he needs to fix anything, because then
this becomes another thing on his “to-do” list.
Get him to associate to his body and to his feelings in
sessions and throughout his day. Awareness of the present
is always the first step in transformation. The body is
a master coach – it never lies.
It’s also important for him to become aware of his inner
dialogue. For example, is his identity based on such beliefs
as, “I can’t afford to lose this job,” “I have to maintain a high
profile in the community,” “People expect a lot from me,” or
sticky
situations
“ My client is a successful business person with a demanding travel schedule, extensive
family and community obligations, and a breakneck pace. He has a “pleaser” personality
that has left him feeling overextended and out of control. He no longer feels he is doing
his best in any situation. How can I help him discern which activities bring real joy and
fulfillment, and develop the self-awareness and capacity to say ‘no’ to ones that don’t? ”
Are you grappling with a sticky situation?
You don’t have to go it alone. Let our senior coaches give you some different perspectives to consider.
Email your situation to: editor@choice-online.com and put “sticky situations” in the subject line.
“I can’t let anyone down”? Is his motivation to look good?
Does he secretly feel that he will be sidelined if he doesn’t
show constant enthusiasm and effort? Awareness sheds
light on the underlying internal motivations at work when he
is in the act of saying “yes” to something. Beliefs get locked
in during childhood and continue to seem like reality.
It’s fine to commit to something if it’s really important to
you, but not all things are equally important. For example,
spending a few hours with your child in activities that you
both enjoy is more fulfilling than heading up the parent
teacher association, no matter how worthy that activity.
Your client needs to begin to discover and accept who he
is, and let go of those activities that don’t give a sense of
authentic purpose and enjoyment. Priorities become
apparent and change happens almost effortlessly.
Sitting quietly for two to five minutes each morning or
evening could help begin to bring his life into focus. Written
to-do lists keep us on track, and allow us to be flexible
when necessary. Suggest that he re-think multi-tasking.
Studies show that trying to do more than one thing at a
time is actually counter-productive.
I’d also have him practice saying no whenever possible
over the next few days or weeks. Suggest that he say no
honestly, without making up phony excuses. Saying no
when we want to say no is healthy, stress-relieving, and
liberating. It may even help us live longer!
VOLUME 8 NUMBER 2
17
Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com