Notes from the Dream (circa 1982-1986) - Stephen H. Wolinsky Ph. D.

NotesFromThe DreamCirca 1982-1986Original copyright1987

Edited version new Copyright 2011Quantum Institute PressStephen H. Wolinsky, PhDAn imprint of Quantum Press,under the auspices of Quantum Institute Inc.Stephen H. Wolinsky, PhD LibraryISBN 0-9749954-2-8114 Rio Del Mar Blvd.Aptos, California95003-4648website stephenhwolinskyphdlibrary.comTypesetting DesignbyBramble Booksinfo@bramblebooks.comBook Cover Design and ArtworkMike Dowdallshawdle@yahoo.com

DedicationTo NityanandaTo Sri Nisargadatta MaharajTo Lord BuddhaTo NagarjunaThe Great Lineage of the Karma KagyuTilopaNaraopaMarpaMilerapaGompopaKarmapa

Once there was a King who was rich beyondcompare. He took a walk through his massivekingdom and stopped at one of his lakes. There,he fell asleep, and dreamt that he was a beggar.The dream was quite vivid, and in thedream he suffered terribly.Upon awaking he realized he was a King andnot a beggar. He was confused, and beganquestioning himself,“Am I a King dreaming I am a beggar, or am Ia beggar dreaming I am a King.”After consulting with many sages, The wisestof the wise approached. The King asked,“which is the dream?” He asked, “Am I a Kingdreaming I am a beggar or a beggar dreamingI am a King, which is the dream?The sage replied, “They are both dreams”.4

“We are such stuff that dreams are made on”Shakespeare, The Tempest5

Nisargadatta Maharaj: “See it all as adream and have done with it.”6

A Historical StoryAbout the TextIn September 2011 there was a 16 day workshopin Aptos California. One night I found myselfgoing through old papers in my desk. Quiteunexpectedly there was an old manuscript I hadbegun in the early 1980’s and had put aside.The manuscript was the original manuscriptwhose title was “Walden III”. Since I hadalready published Walden III in about 2001 Iwent through this manuscript and changed it to:“Notes From the Dream”.7

ealized that The Six Yogas of Naropa hadsome similar aspects to The Vijnana Bhairava.Consequently, to keep integrity with “sources”, Ihave placed two asterisks ** for any meditationswhich might have appeared in the Six Yogas ofNaropa”. And, three asterisks*** when the SixYogas of Naropa were somewhat duplicated oroverlapped The Vijnana Bhairava.All this being said with minor editing I usedmost of the original manuscript I found for“Notes From the Dream”.I should mention that The originalmanuscript was an attempt to present thismaterial as a novel, (which is a skill I do nothave). Also I changed the title to “Notes Fromthe Dream”, (The operative word being Notes)because the amount of energy to get all thematerial edited properly along with trying tomake the manuscript read in a “normal” linearway was to cumbersome, and, “I couldn’t dealwith it right now”.Naturally although I attempted to givethe text a somewhat linear approach, clearlyall the experiences and all experiences for thatmatter are not linear. Rather experiences happenas they happen and later “the mind” attempts toorder them as if there was an order in a step bystep straight line.Clearly this is not a linear book Alsoplease forgive any typos and punctuation issues9

as well as the extreme difficulty it is to describein words and in time “experiences” that which isindescribable in words and are not in time,Later, (who knows when) I will add someunused parts of the original manuscript for “TheExistential Mirage: Remnants from QuantumPsychology Circa 1985-1989” which like inNotes From the Dream will also be combinedwith other notes and addendums. The latermight come out, (who knows) maybe some timein 2013-2014 after some clean-up. So here it is…………….……whatever it is……………….Much loveYour Mirage brotherStephenOctober 21st, 201110

“It is easier to understand that the entiremanifestation is of a nature of a dream, ora mirage, but you interpret the rest of themanifestation as being a mirage and won’tlet go of the seer of a phenomenon, the seertoo is also part of the mirage.”—Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj11

The Dream YogaPart IFrom the Six Yoga’s of Naropa(With slight variations)To see the dream as dreamTo change the dreamTo see the dream as consciousnessTo see the dream as lightTo see the dream as emptinessTo see the dream as VoidTo see the dream as Buddha Fields or Realms12

The dreamWithinTheDreamIMidnight Confessions: The ExistentialExistentialism, which might better be termedexistence-ism, pertains to problems of existencewhich underlay everyone’s existence orbeingness. Existentialism or existence-ism,refers to the underlying states of existence.Lying in bed at 4:15 in the morningunable to fall back asleepI could feel nothing except a gnawing inneremptiness inside my chestLife was an appearanceAn illusionA mirage13

I felt like what Martin Heidegger had written“thrown into the world” through no choice ofmy own.The “inner” emptiness was my constantcompanionPart of my awareness was always focused onthe gnawing inner emptiness “inside” my bodyThis gnawing feeling of inner emptinessleft me feeling alone and depressed.Something must be wrong with meWorthlessThe feeling was sometimes in my chest,sometimes in my throat, and, often times in thepit of my stomach.Lying there in this meaninglessnesswith this emptiness,this dark space inside myself made me feeldisconnected from everyone else,powerless weak and depletedIt seemed that no matter how I tried to fill thisempty place-space with thoughts, food, sex,drugs, or just constant doingthe emptiness within “myself”(whatever that was) remainedA bottomless pit14

Never filled,always emptyAlways trying to fill itandI hated itAnd for this reasonI hated myself.The song from the late 1960’s by John Lennonbuzzed in my head:“Look at meWho am I supposed to beWho am I supposed to be”Was this emptiness the existential dilemma?Albert Camus’ absurdity of lifeHeidegger’s “thrown into the world”?The existentialist in me wondered;Is this the emptiness we all had to deal with?Life as a meaningless purposeless void?In my midnight confessions,where I lie alonelife was a liar, and I was a fraud.Was this pain, anger, frustration or sadness asymptom, a reactionAnd if so, what could the cause be?15

I had spent my life-time trying to discover whoI was,trying to get rid of this emptiness insideLike Mother Theresa –I had taken on beliefsystems and I had failed.I not only did not know who I wasbutI knew that my personality had become a seriesof adjustmentsa pretendA forgotten pretendAn actA series of conditioned automatic reactions,emotions, sensations and verbal crap that Iseemed unable to stop and certainly unable tounderstand.Unknowingly my life had been dedicated to aself-image I had in my mind of who I wasA survival strategy?A self image which I had been given somehowInternal-external voicescarrying on conversationsstories,explanations,justificationsrationalizationsabout what was happening or why I did what Idid in my life16

I had become a slave to my self image, (tryingto be it, perfect it, protect it and defend it).I was living in a parallel world withtwo stories,the external story of life,An internal voice ‘which described what wasactually happening,or imagining what is,what was,and will be.This was a parallel universe.Two universes living side by side,where each “I” or self has its own separatereality.A running internal narrative which seemed tohave a mind and life of its own,A memory which adjusted itself to agree withmy assumptions of life, memory, emotions,associations, sensations, and perceptionsattaching itself to“internal” perceptions of both the inner andouter world which were inaccurate.I was over-shadowed and covered by amachine-like mechanism of a body and mindwhich seemed to go on like a wind-up toy orpuppet.17

An “I” which believed wholeheartedly that ifit could find out who it really was then theseinternal voices and automatic emotions andmost of all the pain would leave.I remembered being about three years oldsitting with a man who was talking to me aboutwhat I should have done.At the time the words were more likenoise, sounds - meaningless and somehowdisconnected from the figure in front of me.The man said, “I am your father and you aremy son and you will do what I say.”At that moment the word father triggeredsomething that remained with me to this day.The little boy seemed to almostopen-up an internal dictionary, a book of rules,of appropriate behaviors, (God how I hate theword appropriate it had such a repressive andsuppressive societal rigidity attached to it), amap or blueprint in the mind. The little boybegan to look-up the word father.Father-father-father-son-son-son as if to bemoving his silent finger down the page of adictionary.Somehow the little boy found the meaning ofthe words, and a voice arose from within him- Yes Dad!! The figure across from him smiledand so the father-son game was born, solidifiedand cemented.18

It was not until much later after many yearsof psychotherapy that I realized how the littleboy and internalized father dominated my lifeand created my inner voice which projectedonto the world my internalized dad with all hisand society’s rules and standards (how to beappropriate and fit-in), and, I had remained thelittle boy.The awareness of that interaction and its effectfollowed me like an unwelcomed guest.I had come to realize years later that theinternalized dad, (with all his be good andget good things, (which were societal valuesand rules like be loving, kind, forgiving,obedient etc.) had unknowingly been fusedwith the “observer” or inner” witness”, Laterthese values which had been taken on were“spiritualized”, (made spiritual).This silent inner observer or inner witness alsowas fused with an internalized parent whichwatched me play the role, the act, the gameof life, and judged and evaluated what hadhappened, how I had doneothers reactions andThis silent inner observer or inner witnesswhich had also been fused with an internalizedparent watched, futurized and rehersed a planon how to prepare for future circumstances.This convoluted observer or witness later,unknowingly became spiritualized.19

Deep downI could not believe in the game of life and I didnot and could not participate in a life that I wasdisconnected from.Whose rules were these anyway?Words would come out of my mouth,whichwere on automaticlike a computer software package.Inwardly feeling distantEmptySeparateMiss-understoodAnd aloneI knew I was not this act which I had become,but now somehow believed I was the act, andit seemed like my survival depended on thesurvival of this act and image and value systemI had taken on..20

The dreamWithinTheDreamIINisargadatta Maharaj (paraphrased), the IAm, that felt sense of isness or beingness isthe backbone of all other states.The inner emptiness and the pain was alwaysin the background ready to infect me. Itmattered not how much drugs, sex, school,psychotherapy, meditation, or spiritual practiceI dived into.The inner emptiness and the pain was like ashadow ready to leap on me.I truly only wished to be like everyone else,to fit in, to play the game and not have thisknowing that it was a game. Instead, I alwaysknew it was a game, and I imagined everyoneelse did too. By my late teens I was puttingall my energies into erecting a self-image - alook - trying to figure out what the outer worldwanted, and enacting it so I could survive, be21

accepted, and be loved.The problem was the more images I developed,the more I had to put energy into keeping themalive and defending them.Ironically, imagining the images which Ithought would get me out of pain and relievethe pain only lead to more pain.An increasing number of masks were erected tohide what was really going on and to hidethe gnawing inner emptinessI began to feel a bit crazyWhy weren’t people talking about this?Does not anyone else have thisexistential–existence-ism experience?The inner emptiness was not being mentionedin conversation!Why was it being avoided in conversation?Maybe people did not want to deal with theirown emptiness?How can I “fit in”?My experience seemed so differentI felt distant from other people, and all theattempts made and efforts through sharing andcommunication to not feel disconnected onlyexacerbated the problem.22

It seemed that most self-help was an attemptto cope better and to be more, do more, havemore and create more in a feeble attempt at“happiness.”So what do I do???It wasn’t until after years of therapy that Irealized that peoples’ images were attemptsto not know, overcompensate for or to defendagainst the emptiness. I guess we all imaginedthat the pain of that discovery would blowopenour ongoing hidden fear of being empty.23

The dreamWithinTheDreamIIIThey are playing a game.They are playing at not playing a game.If I show them I see they are, (playing a game,)I shall break the rules and they will punish me.I must play their game, of not seeing I see thegame.Knots by R.D. LangeEvery once in a while I would suggest to myfriends that everything was bullshit and thatlife was a game –I had concluded R.D. Lange was right.People didn’t seem to like considering it allwas a game and so I was stuck in a existentialpsycho-emotional paralysis.Stuck somehow between the inner emptinessand an outer world which did not want to know24

or acknowledge the existence of the inneremptiness.The pain increased,I ate drugs,sleep with everyone I could findand attempted to “get lost” in universities,relationships, politics, psychotherapy, andspirituality – still I felt more pain, and the inneremptiness.I had became a caricature of myself -exaggerated, overcompensated to the extreme.Another vicious cycle.The more the emptiness became available, themore I would become more extreme in mypersonality to cover-up the emptiness. It wasalmost as if I had to be exaggerated, (overcompensated)in order to convince myself andothers that I believed and was a part of thegame of life.The discrepancy between my outward imagethat I was trying to present could not coverthe inward pain of my lie which the inneremptiness would never let me forget .I had been in pain so long that I was used to it.An internal deadness formed.A layer which attempted to deaden the inneremptiness almost acted like an amnesia25

enabling me to feel nothing at all but deadness,a sullen grey-ness.But nobody in my psychology world talked ofthis underlying existential-existence,(ism) pain.Rather they all seemed to be interested in theirnew career of helping others out of their pain.I found myself hiding my pain even morebecause somehow it was implied that it was notsupposed to be discussed.Finally, like a dam breaking—I broke.The discrepancy between my outer imageand my inner pain had grown so far and I wasface to face with the inner emptiness, and wasbrought to my knees in the office of a psychotherapist.26

The dreamWithinTheDreamIVIn the land of therapy, pain was now mycompanion and my motivator. As a client Ifollowed the traditional path of psychology.I had the garden variety pain of rejection bymy mother, the fear of losing her love. Myfather’s rejection and lack of warmth andunderstanding, and the double binding messageof - —-I love you, if …The tears turned into years, and theemotional pain released as the images andwalls I had erected of myself to hide the painlost their power and began to crumble. Goingdaily to therapy from group to workshopa new sense of power emerged as hugeamounts of energy began to be released andI was becoming more whole at the level ofpersonality. This was called at the time selfactualization.I could feel what I was feeling,27

say what I was feeling without interruption andsay what I wanted.As my story continued to unravel the paindiminished and I felt empowered. Theinternalized observer which was mindful ofand witnessed my thoughts, feelings, emotions,and others’ actions and reactions grew stronger.At this point I still had not realized that theobserver was still fused with an internalizedparent and had became more spiritualized asthe inner emptiness had become more tolerable.Still there was little discussion of thisobserving presence, except as to “spiritualize”it has some “higher” state, and so, I was left tojust guess its significance.Meditation seemed the likely vehicle and thewitness/observer could watch and remainmindful of the personality as now I wouldwatch different parts of “myself” arise andsubside.The problem was that since I unknowinglyhad fused the observer with an internalizedparent, the observer had a point of view, anopinion about what was right or wrong, (ofcourse it was spiritualized) high or low, goodor bad, and of course what was spiritual ornot. This included what was good or badthoughts feelings, emotions, associations and28

understanding that would move or progress mealong the path.For example, love and forgiveness was good,hate and anger bad, (just like society) and myparents had taught me on how to “get ahead”.But who was I after all? The parts of myselfwhich came and went I thought I was but wasnot, but yet, who was I?This gnawing emptiness inside me and thedesire for this answer began to frustrate. It waslike now that my psychology was reasonablytogether I had enough psychic energy sinceI was no longer fighting “myself” to moredirectly tackle the ultimate question, who am I?29

The dreamWithinTheDreamVJacque Derrida (paraphrased) The historyof philosophy was the history of the searchfor a logos, a transcendental source ortranscendental presence which preceded thecreation of the physical universe.It seemed that no matter or where I lookedor who I studied with orwhat I read, somehow the experience of whatthey called THAT never came.I contemplated and sought after the one truthWho I was,From where do I come?And of course, what is the nature of reality?The answer still left me with just a blank.And, with “Who am I?” as a focus the inneremptiness became more and more present.30

I sought after the answer to the big questionsand had felt the disappointment of no answer.I believed, (rightly or wrongly) that if I foundand experienced the answerI would be free;free of painfree of sorrowand in some new state of consciousness thatwas indescribably blissful.I began to meet gurus and teachers whilereading of sages, seers, and scholars who hadbeen discussing this.Yet there remained no “experiential” answer.THAT one universal truth labeledenlightenment had eluded me.Those who had claimed to taste or drink theexperience of that truth could only provide mewith the words of the unexplainable which laybeneath the surface of what we call ordinaryconsciousness. Somehow, in the historyof “time,” those that have entered into thehollowed halls of TRUTH, have never returnedthe same.I had heard of the incomprehensible bliss inthe Hindu tradition, the pure emptiness ofthe Buddhist tradition, the obviousness of theZen tradition. I had known and experiencedthe feeling of completion and wholenessand interconnected unity and power called31

self-actualization contained within WesternPsychotherapy coupled with the New Physicsof the west.Still for years I pondered such truth, only to beturned away at heaven’s door.For so long I sought and not received theanswer of answers,The realization of THAT which promised toeliminate and alleviate all problems.A place of home.A place of peace.32

The dreamWithinTheDreamVI“Riders of the stormRiders of the stormInto this house we’re bornInto this world we’re thrownLike a dog without a boneAn actor all aloneRiders of the storm”Jim Morrison the DoorsTonight, once again, I reviewed my story.I was about to fall asleepand still there was pain and frustration.This time it was not psychological pain, BUT anew and different kind of painThe existential pain……calledWho am I returned.The world as I knew it was separate over there,viewed from inside a body over here.33

I felt like I was in a place over here, lookingout of a body,at a world out there,A world that I had somehow landedin or was parachuted in.A world that now I had to deal with and survivein.The fact remained that even after years andyears I was still here—separate from everything else over there.No meditation, no breathe exercise. and nopsycho-spiritualsystems of awareness were able nor capable ofdissolving this separation and hence theelimination of whichseemed to be me with all the accompanyingemotions of fear, anger, sadness and even love.As I reviewed my story of attendingworkshops,taking on new belief systems.It seemed that no matter how I saw it I wasalways doing, managing, watching, and beingmindful of something related to my thoughts,feelings, emotions, ormemories or others’ thoughts, feelings,emotions etc.34

Maybe if I could somehow communicate to ahigher power?Still, I was supposed to believe in a godA god that I had to believe in that was watchingover me so that Iwas taken care of.I was in a transpersonal co-dependence.A transpersonal transference.LessonsKarmachakrassomething in my past which I didn’t rememberstories - andmystical beliefs.Still, I was still hereI had traveled on my search throughout bothIndia, Nepal,and Thailand, and certainly had traversed thepaths of mostpsychotherapies and the esoteric tradition.Another failed relationship, a divorce, a legalfight over a child, the never ending pain of life.A pain I could never accept,and, not until today had I realized that all myattemptsto handle my pain were actually resistance tothe pain itself.35

The dreamWithinTheDreamVII“Every time you compromise you amputate apart of your self.”Dr. Frederick HerzbergMy heart felt heavy, I had run out of gas,I truly just needed a restI hurt, and I had given up - never to be allowedinto the other side,never to know the nature of realitywith no hope and meaning. Life had becomea treadmill on which the illusion of goingforward would always appear in front of meand would slip away along with its promise, adream of a blissful future36

The great lie of time, which promised a futureof peace -left us in the wake of the promise.Youth and its rewards were smothered by thepillar of compromiseCompromise had its promise only to awakento find that with each compromise it felt like Iwas amputating a part of myself almost like adeath of oneself.I began to feel like a fire that had beenquenched by water never to beignited again.Yes, I like everyone else had bought into thedream, theillusion of a future, a place where freedomfrom want wouldmanifest itself where I would be “taken off thewheel” or treadmill and be free once more.This illusion was shattered now, I was burnedout, like acandle that once glowed brightly with hope,and now hadextinguished itself in its’ own wax. No longerwas there evena flicker of hope in my heart. I was just anotherordinary personlooking to salvage and comfort my tired and37

uised images that had been created,looking for a way to avoid the painof existence.This was my journey now—the managing andtrying to heal the pain of existence. with itsthe sullen-gray illusion which covered myperception of life.38

The dreamWithinTheDreamVIIIEmptinessA knower appears to appearA Knowing Knower appears to appearA Knowing Knower with no frames of referenceno references to frameTrying to understand its existenceBelieving its perceptions and the illusion ofan organized pattern. Believing of the point ofview of the perceivers’ abstracted perceptions.The reference point, the looker or perceivernever turns toward itself… And its ownemptinessOnce again, I was back in my bed I awake at2: 15 in the morning, unable to fall back asleepnoticing the inner emptiness.39

Lying there facing what I perceived asmeaninglessness, alone and disconnected fromeveryone and everything else.I remembered a passage from a book I hadstudied years ago,“The Shiva Sutras”:“The junction point or space between twothoughts is the true nature of the Self, whichis the space from which thoughts arise. Theabsorption of individual consciousness in thatspace is the awakening.”I began to do the old meditations of noticingthe space between two thoughts and the spacebetween two breathes.I thought why not try it yet again. I focusedon the space where the inhale became anexhale, and then the exhale became an inhale.Everything got quiet and then the spacebetween two thoughts emerged and appeared. Irealized that the space between was the same asthe emptiness or void “inside” the body.Somehow in a moment of clarity, through thespace between, (the space that had emerged),I decided to enter into this empty void in mybody like entering into a portal.Lying down in bed my body lurched.First spontaneously peeling back the layers40

which covered or were on top of the emptinessportal.Peeling back these layers which seemed likejust labels,labels called pain,labels called fear,then labels called frustration,then labels called anger,then the dead space which deadened theemptiness.I dove or floated “backward” or “down” or“through” the portal like entering a black holeLike Alice in Wonderland falling through therabbit hole I was slowly sinking into a voidwhich felt like a sea of emptiness that had noquality or form.At first I resisted.So many bubbles surrounded meit was like “dropping” through an ocean“made of nothingness”.I began to imagine I would be coming tothe bottom, (like the bottom of a lake) soonwhereby I could push off and make my wayback to the top of the empty-ocean.Although all around me were bubbles andthe emptiness, I had somehow lost my sense41

of time and motion. I truly could not tellwhether I was moving or whether things werepassing me or I was passing them. For anindeterminate “time” it was as if I were floatingin empty space and soon I realized that I wasn’tbreathing.For a moment I panicked, and tried to grab mywrist to take my pulse, BUT neither my wristnor my pulse were there.BUT everything was so quiet in the endlessvast emptiness. Actually the concept of vast orbig dissolved. I instantaneously realized vastand big were somehow just a projection of themind.The mind attributed or projected ontoemptiness a beginning, an end, space, distance,dimensions and location onto an emptinesswhich was not really empty and did not containthese qualities of mind.Empty or emptiness seemed more like adescription rather then a reality now.Motion seemed motionless; there were nocontrasts.Suddenly, I recalled an old acid trip where Iwas afraid that if I would stop focusing on mybreathing I would stop breathing and die.At some level though I just didn’t care.Maybe I was dead and didn’t know it.42

Maybe I was in some Tibetan Bardo—some inbetweenspace like in the Tibetan Book of theDead where deities were supposed to emerge.I truly couldn’t tell whether I was in motion ormotionless.I could not tell what this me was as the senseof a body or having a body as a reference pointor a point of reference no longer existed, yetsomehow I was, or imagined I was.All I could “see” was that the bubble appearedto have a shape and form, sometimes a colorto them. Sometimes they would emerge andthen would disappear into the “emptiness” or“nothingness.”Where was I?43

The dreamWithinTheDreamIXThe Not-I-I state is a state(the operative word being state or temporarycondition),whereby you know you aren’t and do not exist,AND YETsomehow you areFloating in the emptiness the Not-I-I state isthe last touch stone before the absolute totaldissolvingSuddenly, things began to shift and a bubbleappeared which had a membrane type qualitysurrounding it. The bubble was probablyonly the size of a baseball so I “grabbed” it.This translucent bubble became transparentas I gazed closer. As I peered in and focusedvoices murmured from inside the bubble like asynchronized prayer,“where am I?” and44

“how do I get out and free?”What struck me was that all the communicationwas known, there was no sound or use ofwords which I had to interpret. Rather, therewas an immediate sense of knowingnessbetween me and the “people” within the bubblewhereby we just knew each other withoutactual sound speech or words.There were no vehicles of communication, likesounds, words, thoughts, feelings, or even bodylanguage. Just knowingness. It was kind of amind connection you might have with someonethat you lived with—just a look in the eyes thatconveyed a certain knowingness.I remembered taking L.S.D. in college withseveral friends. One of them was talking withme, Suddenly, I looked into their eyes and Isaw what I perceived as his “essence” and hesaw mine. No words need be said, we were oneand the same being.This had the same quality of knowingness.From outside the bubble as I focused on one ofthe people in the bubble who had been askinghimself, “Who am I?”, “Where am I?” a shrillof terror went through what I had imaginedwas “my body”, (actually it was a memory ofthe body, an abstracted perception, a memorybody,an image-body). The person in the45

ubble enquiring “Who am I?” was an exactreplica, like an etheric double of the me I hadleft in my bed.“I must be dead”Where was I headed?My whole life I had a deep desire to know thenature of the universe to know who I was, tounderstand death.Was this the peaceful home I looked for?Yet, here I was and all I could do was go withit.I named this state of floating in the emptinessThe Not-I-I, as I wasn’t, and knew I wasn’t,yet I was, and was aware of what I called theemptiness, although it was not quite emptiness.As I focused on the person within the bubble(my etheric double) in the bubble, I suddenlypierced through the membrane of the exteriorand fell inside the bubble universe.I was him and he was me as I was now viewinghis universe which was now my perceiveduniverse.It was a total body-mind-melt“I” was no longer outside the bubble—Ihad melted in this bubble universe. Anger,frustration rose within me as I experiencedthe pain of imagining I was and I am in a46

perceivable experiential universe.How was I to get out?I began to remember the “emptiness” thatsurrounded this transparent particle bubble.As I looked through my physical eyes, I couldnot find the emptiness nor the edges of hisworld. I closed my eyes and expanded myvision to become aware of the emptiness whichsurrounded the bubble. The emptiness was notan emptiness, but rather ano-thing-ness, a no feeling that had no structurenor form to it like an ever present backgroundor screen, peaceful, stillness and profoundlyindescribable. The deeper I focused on thispeaceful emptiness, the less attached to the mepersonin the bubble “I” became.I remembered a meditation technique:“Visualize your body as being transparent”**then“Visualize the world as transparent.”Suddenly then “I” was “outside” of this bubblerealm.“I” was back in the “emptiness”, in this quietpeace which surrounded and went through“me”.I realized that I was seeing this emptiness withan “inner eye” and “inner vision.”47

I became aware of the “emptiness” that was,and fantasized, (actually anthropomorphized)that the “emptiness” had guided “me” for somepurpose (whatever that “me” was) “outside” ofthe bubble.Once “outside” the bubble “I” could witnessso many bubble universes which appeared tobe floating in or emerging from the endless“emptiness”, and then dissolving.Very very metaphorically, the bubbles werelike specks of dust, emptiness coagulatingand coming together to form a bubble whichcontained in it the body-mind and the sense of“I”. The “I” appeared as a perceptual centeror reference point which contained a logicof life, with a past, present and future and away of being. An “I” located in a bubble. TheI-perceiver instantaneously,through its perceptive lens,its universe appeared.I thought, (which by virtue of it being a thoughtand in words and a descriptive explanation, Ilater realized gave away its utter falseness asall thoughts were part of a bubble “I” and partof the DREAM) at the time the only way out ofthis bubble was to discard everything as No orNot This, which was called Neti Neti48

Within each speck-belief-logical linear bubblesystem or concept contained within theumbrella of an “I” was a re-enforcing universewithin an “I” bubble. This “I” universe ofhow to be do act and behave is organized anddefended as if the logic justifies behavioralemotional perceptual and thinking.Through Neti Neti this all might, (or might not)fall away?????I fantasized that without this possibility offalling away the accumulated specks called “I”as a perceptual center with a position and areference point with a locationlocated around or in an illusionary body-Iwithin a bubble might or might not continue.(Was this Neti Neti within a bubble,within an “I” which was also within abubble????“Turn off your mind relax and float downstream,it is not dying, it is not dying….Turn off all thoughts surrender to the Void,it is shining,it is shining.”John Lennon49

The dreamWithinTheDreamXBuddhism: All states are temporaryThe Not-I-I state is a state(the operative word being state or temporarycondition),whereby you know you aren’t and do not exist,AND YETsomehow you areFloating in the emptiness the Not-I-I state isthe last touch stone before the absolute totaldissolvingAfter a while I began to feel more comfortablewith the stillness of the “emptiness”.I decided since the background was emptinessand was always there and the translucentbubbles appeared and disappeared that it mightbe a good idea to find out more about this“emptiness”.I felt comforted somehow, and less afraid.50

Once again however I was drawn againsomehow to a golf-ball sized bubble. I gazed inand was fascinated to see a man and a womanmaking love. As I gazed deeper into the bubble,I felt an immense shock passing through“me”—it was “my mother and father” some 35years earlier. The edges of the bubble becamemore and more permeable like a membraneand I fell into a universe that seemed almostoverwhelming.Some part of my consciousness was floatingover these two bodies. Another part could feelas though I was in both my parents genitalssimultaneously. The friction created by themotion of his penis against the walls of mymother’s vagina could only be overshadowedby the deep sense that they were trying toplease each other.Suddenly, like a rocket being launched I feltan impact as I witnessed an explosion: anexplosive orgasm like an ignition. Somethingwas formed, but what it was I didn’t know. Iwas suddenly connected and inside somethingthat was breathing.Where was I now? “Inside” or “outside”? Itwas as though when this explosion-ignitionoccurred, I was given some kind of instinctiveapparatus that I was surrounded by and it51

knew exactly what it was supposed to do.This apparatus was machine like, but soft.It vibrated and somehow was forming quiteindependent of “me” it’s feelings and who itwas.As I was able to step out of what I realizedwas a body-mind consciousness of a cellularstructure, I could witness “from above” whatwas occurring. Once again, I was able to rememberthe bubble universe and the edges ofthis world and see them as transparent.Most importantly, as the “world” wastransparent the emptiness the bubble floated inwas revealed.As I witnessed this, (what I later realized wasan embryo), it took great effort to pull myattention away from the embryo, to pull myattention away from the baby in “my mother’sbody”. Somehow, I had become interested, noobsessed with this fetus.It seemed that the more I became interested inthe baby and what was happening, the more Ibecame the baby. The less interested I became,the less attracted, and the more I could un-bethe baby.With great effortI focused on the empty stillness. Almost as52

suddenly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Ozwho clicks her heels together saying, ”Thereis no place like home”, ”There is no place likehome”,”There is no place like home”,I was outside of the bubble feeling relievedfloating in the “emptiness” again in the Not-I-Istate.Floating outside of the bubble in the Not-I-I state I recalled the research in QuantumPhysics I had done years before. Paralleluniverses in particular struck me as mostinteresting because even if I was alive someyears later, the universe of the past existed inan eternal now. What parallel universe theorysuggested was that all universes and pasts existand that some observer just needed to flashhis light of awareness in the direction for thatuniverse to reveal itself.Still feeling disoriented the only thing that waslike a blanket of comfort was the endless quietstillness. I fell into a deep something—theclosest thing I could call it was sleep, but it wasmore like a sleepless sleep. There was no I northe Not-I-I state. Everything disappeared intoa long restful gap of timelessness.53

The dreamWithinTheDreamXIThrough the looking GlassMetaphorically, it felt like I was lookingthrough a sub-atomic lens as through a lookingglass ortelescope or microscope.The bubbles were like particles floating inemptiness.And the “I” or witness was watching theseparticles as one might look into the evening skyand see planets, stars, or the moon.Metaphorically the “dark” emptiness of the skywas like the “still” emptiness “I” was floatingin. The emptiness had become the backgroundlike an untouched unmoving empty screen inwhich the bubble membrane worlds appearedand disappeared, arose and subsided like themoon in an empty sky.54

Now Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, andthe work of Neils Bohr some 65 years agoseemed obvious.I could witness the point or particle, (or pointof view) which was determining how a particleorbubble was perceived, (not some me as aperceiver). And more remarkably, as the pointor reference point, which was not “me” decidedits meaning, so it became true. Not to confusethe situation,it was not “I” which had any type of“creative” power or created anything. BUTrather a point which appeared or emergedout of the emptiness appeared without anyparticular reason or purpose. The “I” or“me” had no influence, and the appearanceof the bubble had nothing to do with an “I”or a “me”.I did not know why these bubble-universesappeared or disappeared in this strange and yetfamiliar abyss. A bubble-universe-realm wouldappear and then disappear and then anotherbubble-universe-realm appeared out of theemptiness.For example, inside one bubble was theconcept of birth and death. At first I laughed55

ecause as the emptiness there was no suchthing as birth or death. Soon however if or asI merged through this membrane-bubble andactually became this bubble-universe so it wastrue.It seemed as though when I became a bubblewhich arose I no longer would be floating inemptiness looking at bubble-realms. RatherI would enter into a bubble-universe-realmand experience the experience the bubblecontained.Each time I became something, I was somehowentering into a bubble-world which was likea universe unto itself, and I would experiencethat universe entirely. Then the bubble wouldburst or dissolve becoming the emptinessagain and the notion of birth and death forexample would disappear and I was floating,formless, (without a form) in or on the screenof nothingness I called the Not-I-I state.At that moment, I understood or shall I say sawsomething that made me “wake-up” to whatwas occurring. It was very metaphorically likeI had put on a subatomic or Quantum lens. Andfor now, I was looking through a looking glass—seeing the world at a subatomic level.I was seeing tiny bubble like particles floatingin the empty background.It was as if the reality of my prior life, (the life56

I had left while lying in bed going to sleep)or what I had called reality had cracked, splitapart or been broken open and suddenly the“I” which was labeled “myself” (but was not“me”) was floating in a spacious no-thing-ness.Metaphorically this subatomic lens left mewith a curious something I “later” labeledawareness which had been unseen by myphysical eyes. Awareness carried with itinformation and an understanding. Thisinformation and understanding was part ofa very very subtle film or veil through whichNot-I-I was unknowingly looking. This veilof awareness overlaid the emptiness. In otherwords as the Not-I-I was experiencing orperceiving the emptiness through a very subtlefilm or veil called awareness which made orallowed the emptiness, the bubble-realms,and the “I” to appear. It was awarenesswhich gave the illusion of the perceiver andthe perceived being permanent stable and“real”. It was awareness which carriedthis “information” and illusory “order”, oflinearity, BUT awareness actually was justanother layer veil or film of illusion appearingon the emptiness???, Or, maybe the awarenessmade or permitted or allowed the emptiness toappear???57

Yet, it was clear that everything was floatingin the emptiness, made of the emptiness andwas connected by that emptiness. Even morebreathe-taking was that the emptiness wasthe common connection between things, orthe underlying unity that I had read about andheard about but never experienced in quite thisway. We all, (actually there was no we or all)shared the same emptiness.Without warning the “I” must have dissolved.And, the Not-I-I after the fact imagined “I” orit must have entered into a deep sleepless sleepstate. The witness also dissolved and there wasnot even emptinessnor knowingnessnor the concept of awareness.58

The dreamWithinTheDreamXIIIf we are talking about Quantum Physicswe are talking about Non-locality.Neils BohrAs the Not-I-I state floated in this emptiness,“my perceptual field” was quite different. Ihad often heard as a child in elementary schoolthat if you were in outer space you wouldexperience no up or down, high or low, leftor right, actually no location. That locationwas only relative to position or to somethingelse. And that since there was nothing else but“me” either as emptiness or as the “knower”of emptiness, (sometimes this “me” beingthe emptiness, sometimes this “me” un-beingthe empty no-thing-ness, or being the quite59

ackground of the emptiness along with theoccasional bubbles). It was odd but locationand dimensions only exist in relation to aposition or a point I was calling myself. It wasas if I were the arbitrary witness or point in theemptiness. Or better said, there was a referencepoint or point of reference which had beenlabeled “I” or even the Not-I-I. When I didnot become nor identify myself as that point ofreference or reference point it would dissolveand I was not.Then suddenly it actually dawned on me thatI was not the point but the emptiness, for lackof a better word, the reference point or whatwas labeled as “I” or the Not-I-I state wascondensed emptiness.60

The dreamWithinTheDreamXIIIConsciousness is EmptinessEmptiness is ConsciousnessNothing is SomethingSomething is NothingFullness is EmptinessEmptiness is FullnessI felt an ease as I became the background or theempty screen.The nothingness was a comfortable home.I felt like I was looking in a telescope at distantstars which were these bubble realms floatingaround me like looking at pages of a text bookof a sub-atomic world that I had only seenpictures of.61

Unexpectedly in the distance there wereparticles, some big, some small. They wouldpass by the memory of where my head hadbeen, or where I had thought was my head.Like a pair of eyes, (without eyes) throughthis awareness the emptiness, and the bubbleworlds appeared and passed by.Its hard to explain, but through awarenessthe contraction of emptiness appeared. Assoon as awareness arose simultaneouslyinstantaneously,as if it was a single unit,(emptiness and the bubble-realms) would arise.When the Not-I-I could unfocus somehowit could realize that the particular bubblerealmhad appeared by or through awareness“awaring” the contraction of emptiness.It was then as emptiness contracted whichsimultaneously-instantaneously, broughtabout bubble realms arising and subsidingtogether together on the emptiness background.When the connection between awarenessand the emptiness and the bubble-realms wasappreciated both the bubble realms and theI-label popped and disappeared.62

(I later realized that the “reality” I wasseeking was a very subtle illusion occurringor appearing to occur within a dreambubbleworld made of a substance which wastraditionally labeled consciousnessThe odd part was that the bubble universeor dream bubbles and all that it containedwere made of the same substance which wascommonly labeled consciousness and which Ilater saw was condensed emptiness.It was clear that this substance labeledconsciousness was the same substance thateach bubble universe was made of. And itwas the concept of consciousness that was thedescriptive label that was given to everythingwithin the bubble by the “knowers” of thebubble-universe.This illusionary substance labeledconsciousness also appeared as things withinthe bubble universe while still maintaining itsnature as this illusionary substance which waslabeled consciousness.Later I realized that all perceivables andconceivables were made of consciousness .)63

In one Quantum-bubble-realm which appearedon nothingness Werner Heisenberg was sayingthat universes are created by observation. Thenas rapidly as it appeared, the bubble with itsperceiver dependent belief would pop and therewould be nothing again.The I-label also popped, however the I-labeldid not realize it had popped at the time. TheI-label only realized its own disappearanceupon its reappearing and imagining it was or isand imagined what had occurred.(Later it occurred to “me” that the observeronly existed and gave the illusion of beingcreative or being the creator within a bubblerealm. But the observer did not exist outside ofthe bubble-realm!)Simply stated the “I” within the bubble-realmbelieved that it was the creator. This is anillusion within the bubble-realm.Moreover the “I” within the bubble realmbelieved that it was the creator of its ownexperience and its own reality.This is an illusion or an illusionary veil withina bubble-realmwhich had appeared on the emptiness64

The dreamWithinTheDreamXIVThere is an illusion within theNew Age Bubble called ,“You create your own reality.”This illusion appears to be true, (the importantword is appears).However, on no level is this true, neitherneurologically nor in actuality.Illusions within Bubble-Realms act as a veilwhich obscures and denies the reality of itsown beliefs.Upon investigationthese delusions of “the power of I”,disappear like a mirage in the desert.Emptiness is fullness.The bubbles began to appear and disappear at afaster rate.65

In one bubble the concept of the observercreated realitywhereby mere observation created what wasbefore it.In another bubble the new age belief of“creating your own reality” or “you createyour own reality” would appear.Then as quickly as they appeared the bubbleswould pop, and there was only the emptybackground, or void, or screen.This revealed that the beliefs, “creating yourown reality” or “you create your own reality”only appeared true within a bubble world.But this appearance was an illusion. A mirage,which even when demonstrated as false wasstill held onto as true.“Outside” of the bubble all of these beliefswere non-existent illusions.As the emptiness there was no fear or terror asmany of my friends had experienced over theyears. Some people in a group I had been inhad experienced the void or emptiness and hadlabeled it as depression or decided that theywere insignificant. They didn’t see somehowthe fullness of the emptiness. and how youcould experience the fullness of the emptiness.And that fullness was emptiness and emptinesswas fullness.66

teacher said, “When a thought arises,” askyourself, “Who told you that?” then answer:“The Mind.”The teacher was reading from theShiva Sutras, (The same book I was readingjust before I fell into the emptiness).She said, “Knowledge is bondage”, and “Thecause of bondage is sound”,because sound produces letters, letters formwords and words form concepts.“The purpose of this practice,” said the teacherwas to cultivate the understanding that allinformation comes from the mind. And she said“that it is the nature of the mind to change itsmind”.She emphasized that the mind was composedof thoughts memories emotions associationsand even perceptions. Continuing she said,“It was by this understanding that it was justthe mind that the identification with the “mindstuff” lost its hold and there begins to be anunfusing or a separation of the body from themind or subtle body.”**Each time a thought arises she said, askyourself, “Who told you that?”“The Mind.”repeated the teacherAgain she repeated, “Whenever anything68

comes into your awareness, the question to askis“Who told you that”? and then answer“The mind”.I asked her, “Why should I do this?” Theteacher replied, because the only way youcould know that you are, or what you areexperiencing, or even whatever you know, yougot “told” through contracted consciousnesscalled the mind. And it was the mind whichcontains thoughts memories emotionsassociations and perceptions which comprisethe subtle body.”I asked, “Why is it the mind rather thenmy mind?”She replied, “Thoughts once they are identifiedwith become “my thoughts” and there is anassumption that “That’s me”, as if you are theowner who owns these “thoughts”. Thoughtscontain the illusion of being and the illusion ofexistence within a specific location. Actually,it’s just the mind and the thoughts. Whenthere is no ownership there is no location for aself which identifies with thoughts which thenmake them “mine”. In this way they disappear.69

(Through this “experience” The emptinessor thinned-out consciousness was clarifiedas an unchanging screen or backgroundto the bubble-realms which appeared anddisappeared.)The teacher within the realm continued again,“Relax for a few minutes and notice eachthought as it comes through your awareness, Ifit says “It’s hot, it’s cold, I don’t understand.”“I do understand” or “I didn’t get it” and yousay, “That’s me,” then you will immediatelyhave an experience called “I don’t understand.”The teacher within the bubble-realm keptrepeating, “So every time a thought comes intoyour awareness no matter what it is, ask“Who told you that?”, and answer,“It is the mind.” See what happens.”. It’s justthe mind; it’s not you.It’s just the mind.Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Let your mind dowhatever it wants to do. You just stay out ofit. You just watch it.”As all else dissolved in meditation, the bubblerealmof the Teacher teaching also disappeared,and I realized the mind was a concept, anexplanation which described something that70

actually did not exist outside of a bubble-realmuniverse.(Although I did not know what it meant at thetime, the mind concept and bubble-realm weremade of the same condensed emptiness orsubstance which was labeled consciousness.Not only that but what I had considered as justmy consciousness was the same consciousnessas everyone else’s. And, that everythingwas made of THAT one substance calledconsciousness.)71

The dreamWithinTheDreamXVIBuddha realms in the Emptinessof Buddha FieldsI “awoke” to find myself floating in theemptiness once more. The emptiness providedme with a secure peaceful still background thatwas so tranquil that it was lightness itself.The lightness was the light that I had alwaysread about, (the light (ness) of emptiness).The emptiness offered me a background andperspective which I could witness while notgetting attached or absorbed or fused with thebubble or Buddha-realms.72

A bubble called what will the future bringwould pass by and when I merged with thebubble and I would experience anxiety. I wouldinstantly say to myself, “who told you that, ‘themind’” and to my surprise I would pop outsideof the bubble and once again be in the Not-I-I.So many bubbles came and went, sometimesI would merge with them, sometimes I wouldstay focused on the space between two bubblerealmsthat passed through.Once a Buddha realm of Gods and Goddessesappeared. Once inside the Buddha realm,I visualized my body as transparent,and everything in the bubble realm astransparent**, I asked myself “who told youthat, ‘the mind’” once again I was floating inthe emptiness in the Not-I-I witnessing thebubble.Past time bubbles or Buddha realms wouldfloat by, future time bubbles or Buddha realmswould float by, great experiences and lesserexperiences, some of which could be calledvisions of saintly or ecstatic love or God, someof hateful pasts and futures.But, there I was, sometimes merging with andexperiencing these realities, sometimes as the73

Not-I-I state witnessing them coming andgoing.What began to intrigue me however was that itseemed that the same I always was—while in reality an I was appearing in an I-NOW which was also in a bubble-Realm.In the past, before the inner emptiness-lightnessI had thought of time in a linear way; past,present, and future, but now as I observed thecomings and goings of so many bubbles—theywere all happening in the context of some mebeing there witnessing them.I had formerly fantasized that I was theconstant observer. Actually the observer cameand went with the observed. The I and observerand its observed were “in” a more subtleBubble-Realm.This witness too was floating in the emptinesswatching bubble after bubble, Buddha realmafter Buddha realm go byand even the witness state was part of themore subtle bubble.I was becoming more and more bored withwatching, fusing, unfusing, all of thesebubbles.It got old.74

I began to just want the bubbles to go away,Unfortunately, no matter how much time Ispent in the space between the bubblesthe bubbles would always come back.I recalled my earlier years when I would spend3 to 5 hours per day meditating and find thisbeautiful space. My alarm would ring and Iwould come back to my world.I began to realize that the space and the bubbleswere made of the same substance.Soon the space between and the bubbles andthe bubbles or Buddha realms began to mergeinto one another and blend together.WOW!!!75

The dreamWithinTheDreamXVIIThere is a miss-conception that there is an “I”located within the physical body.Once believed this “I” becomes a lens or areference point. And then somehow boundariesare formed which define its parameters.Actually there is no “I” in the physical body.As the “I” floated in the emptiness a conceptcalled reflection appeared, and the “I” wassuddenly reflecting on what had happened inthe bubble world,The thing that plagued “me” was that while “I”was in a bubble “I” felt like somehow “I” wasin a body, and this “I” in the body had becomemy reference point for who I was. Somehow“I” believed that this “I” and this body weresomehow connected to one another and were“me”.76

A thought arose “Where is your body?At first I kind of saw or had an image of it.I began to visualize and then experience thebody like a rainbow floating in emptiness.**Quite suddenly I was in the Not-I-I state aseverything became emptiness or void.For the first time I realizedI had no body and was nobody. The body wasan assumption an abstraction, a condensationof emptiness-consciousness appearing throughthe vehicle of awareness as if it were an idea orconcept, a memory or memory-body.I realized that the memory-body was part ofthe mind or subtle body and so named it thememory-body or body-memory.Somehow the body and the “I” were not reallyconnected to each other. Still the “I” persistedin its identification with the physical bodymemory.Then a bubble appeared where ‘my” body was,and with it the body’s perceivable universe.“I” focused on the body within the bubblerealmand instantaneously this thing called “I”became the body and saw through its eyes andhad its perceptions.I began tolook forThe I in “my” body.77

To try to find “The I in the body”.(Later a yogic understanding appeared like alittle voice which said,“Give up your attachment to “The “I” , “The“me” “ and the “mine”.”)Within the bubble I began to try to find the “I”in the body. To Look for it,I had a really hard time staying awake.After a period of time I realized that I could notfind the I in the Body.I can’t find the “I” In the body?Maybe it’s not there! ! !Maybe there is no “I” in the body!WHO IS THE DRIVER OF THE CHARIOT?Look for the lookerThere is noneWho drives the body?Turn attention around and there is no-thingThen what or who is looking?Without a looker, a knower or a perceiverThere is nothingThere was no “I” in the bodyI had done all sorts of meditation andpsychological processes to find myself only tobe plummeted back into hell.78

Why?“I” realized that with each attempt “I” hadmade to free myself—”I” had re-enforced thebelief in the existence of an “I” contained in abody with a separate location.Rather than understanding this was anotherconcept contained within a bubble-realmfloating in emptiness or consciousness.In other words what you call you is just anappearance made of consciousness within abubble-realm.The body and “I” made of consciousness ascondensed emptiness appears and disappears asthe consciousness thins out in the emptiness.The mind or subtle body is connected toits physical “counterpart” and needed to be“separated**.As I focused deeply there seemed to be threepoints of entry that held the subtle body ormind to the physical body, they were;the heart beat,the breatheandthe eye blink.Realizing that there was no “I” in thebody seemed like a clear point of entry indismantling this miss-conception.79

“I” began tovisualize and then experience the body as beingempty space.Next I visualized and experienced the world asempty space***Once again quite suddenly everything wasemptiness or void.80

The dreamWithinTheDreamXVIII“Everything is emptiness and form iscondensed emptiness.”The Shurangama SutraI awoke once again from a deep somethingwhich resembled sleep, but was not sleep.The emptiness would contract and becomesomething and then would thin-out and therewould be nothing without even an I to know it.This time the emptiness contracted and abubble realm appeared.Within the bubble was a Guru type figuretouching people and giving mantra.As I peered into the bubble I found myself81

sitting in a room, crossed legged with otherdevotees.As the Guru touched the space between myeyebrows “his” “energy” entered into me and Ialmost passed out.Like a rocket taking off I saw visions of Godsand other universes as I was blown out into thevast emptiness of nothingness.This initiation was called shakipat, (Thetransmission of shakti or universal energy froma Guru to another person).It seemed like about an hour had passed andjust as quick as I had “taken off” I was back inthe bubble in “my” body bowing and scrapingfor more of THAT, whatever that was.I was given a spiritual practice called sadhana,(a set of techniques) to realize THAT and likeall of the devotees struggled to retrieve this“state”.I took a vow within myself to do whateverthis Guru said as I was promised that if I did Iwould get a permanent state of THATand thatTHAT was who I really was.82

I spent what seemed like years in the dreambubble of this Guru. One thing he wrote stuckwith me and became my daily practice, it wascalledThe Secret of the Siddhas,I think it went something like this:To continually go through your body andinstall through touching different parts of yourbody while visualizing the Gurus body in eachpart of your body. For example touching yourhead and visualizing and internally sayingthis is the Guru’s head, touching your armand visualizing and saying this is the Guru’sarm etc. In this way eventually the Guru’sbody would be your body. (Later I learnedthat this was not dissimilar to many practicesin Tibetan Buddhist where the aspirantidentifies themselves, (sometimes through anempowerment ceremony) with or as a Buddhaor diety)KUNDALINIOne “day” I was awakened from meditationfeeling like anearthquake was running through me.It shook meand83

demonstrated a vulnerability of existence thatseemed humbling if not overwhelming.Please forgive the words as what I am about todescribe is not describable:Quite suddenly I realized there was an upsurge,(for lack of a better word) of “energy”, like ageyser of “energy”, it was indescribable.It propelled “me” and all my perceivableuniverse piercing the bubble realms’ outerencasement or containerpropelling me into the emptiness through thesheer force and power of this “energy”.The perceivable world and myself wereshattered like glassand the “I” was like a shattered picture, (in ablissful way) floating in nothing-ness.There was no longer a “me” or world.Could this be the Kundalini?There was no snake as I had read about butrather an extraordinary “energy” movingthrough me.Slowly the “I” that had been cracked openattempted to merge with the “energy”,but when it did, the “energy” seemed todissipate.At that moment what was left of this “me”imagined it appreciated spiritual paths.84

My story was that Spiritual Paths existedwithin a bubble-realm and were metaphorswhere an imagined self could pierce thestructural encasement of the bubble. Bypiercing the bubbles’ container a portal or holeor doorway would open to the nothing-ness,and maybe arrive selfless or without a self tothe other side.The concern lie in getting stuck in enjoying the“energy” so much that the energy or path orportal became the most significant thing, andthus the destination, (realization) was forgotten.Zen Saying:“If you fall in love with the path you willforget the destination.”Yoga Maya:Falling so in love with the path and getting sothrilled by the path and absorbed and weddedto its its myriad of techniques, (called sadhana)and its philosophy can “lead an aspirant intothe illusion of yoga”.What s the illusion of yoga?Yoga is a “thorn to remove a thorn.”In other words, there is a thorn in your foot85

(called suffering) and you use the thorn of yoga(techniques) to remove the thorn in your foot.Once the thorn in your foot is removedboth thorns are to be thrown away.Either way first “I” experienced the “energy”arising,and then “I” as the “energy” rose up and downthe spine.Being the “energy” I rode the “energy” and wasthe “energy”.As the “energy” delivered “me” into theemptinessthere was a greater sense of stillness as the“energy” deposited mein nothingness and no where.It was like getting off a train at yourdestination.Please forgive the words and language.As I continued meditating deeplythis bubble or Buddha realm popped and Iwas in the Not-I–I state an “I” floating in theemptiness.And somehow, through no act of volition of myown I was no longer a part of that Guru realmbubbleany longer.86

As the Not-I-I state looked “back” at the Gurububble-dream-realm,I realized that shaktipat was not a person like aGuru giving their shakti or “energy” to anotherperson for the purpose of awakening them tothe underlying “energy” of the universe.Rather shaktipat was a transfer of “energy” orshakti through a conduit, or messenger. Andwith it might carry a glimpse of THAT.Very very very metaphorically this could belikened to the Magician Card in the Tarot,whereby the magician reaches upward anddownward simultaneously bringing into“existence” the unmanifested in the form of“energy” or “shakti” as a means, not an endto awaken and realize the THATUnfortunately for this “me” the “I” focused onand worshipped the conduit-Guru, imagininghe, (the Guru) was the bestower of this or whatwas his shakti or grace.Once this was miss-understood all the “I”could do was perform feeble attempts to followhis path and meditate on him as the bestower ofthis or his grace.The “I” had fallen in love, like an age regressedchild to a magical parent and acted as a beggarto the conduit-Guru.The “I” did not focus on and meditate on and87

ealize that it, (the I) was not,and the “I” did not focus on the “energy”“within”.The “I” did not appreciate that it was thatunderlying universal energy or consciousness,and that the universal energy or consciousnesswasthe vehicle not the destination.Rather the “I” acted out its miss-understandingfailing to realize that the conduit-Guru existedwithin the dream bubble, and that the Guru’sfunction within the dream-bubble was as aconduit.The Kundalini energy, (shakti) was a pure formof “energy” or consciousness.The Kundalini could, like a train, carry anaspirant piercing through the container whichencased the bubble-realm.A portal or opening could be formed by theshire force of the Kundalini.Once, or as the encasement that enclosedthe bubble-dream-realm were pierced by theKundalini an aspirant was delivered throughthis portal or opening the Kundalini had formedto the “other-side”; which was the emptiness,And which the Kundalini ultimately was.88

“Consciousness is emptinessEmptiness is consciousness”(Musing it seemed that all spiritual pathsattempt, (some more then others) to be aportal or open up a portal, and that by doing apractice the bubble will shatter.For example, the very overused word-soundOM.OM,the primal sound, which can shatter. (like anopera singer can shatter a glass through asound vibration or frequency) the perceptualappearance of the solidity of the physical worldand shatter too the bubbles’ casing.)“Shakti is Maya”, (an illusion). BabaPrakashanandaWhy, because it only exists within a bubblerealm.The container of the bubble-realm cracked,shattering and once again I was back in theNot-I-I state floating in EmptinessI was floating again in the Not-I-I state wakingup or out of that Guru dream bubble and wasfloating in the emptiness again.Another Guru-bubble appeared. I was drawn89

into it like the last one, except this time I hadsomehow brought some awareness of theemptiness with “me” which left “me” moredetached then before.Once inside this Guru Bubbleit was clear that this Guru-bubble had a verysimilar quality as the last Guru dream-bubble.The only difference was that the force of the“energy” seemed somehow more palpable.I would feel the energy and then disappear inthenothing-ness and then return to the Not-I-Istate.Sometimes the “I” would disappear so much sothat I could not, nor did not even know I haddisappeared and was no longer.Inside this Guru-dream-bubble was the Guru.This Guru was calledtheSatguru or SadguruThe subtle and not so subtle difference in thisDream-Guru-Bubblewas that the Satguru was not a conduit,but rather was the “Kundaliin energy”,and was THAT,90

(whatever THAT was).In this way within this Guru-Dream-Bubblenot only did the Sadguru lead the disciple, (asKundalini “energy”) but it also was the pathand the end in itself.Again mistakenly the disciples, like in the lastGuru-Bubble,kept giving their power and energy outwardto “serving” the personage the person ofthe Sadguru. This of course led to endlessprojections and anthropomorphicallyattributing magical qualities to the person andbody of the Satguru.This tendency unfortunately distracted fromrealizing the Kundalini and THAT resided“within” and was who they really were.All that being said, this bubble had amystifying quality to it which is, and wasimpossible to describe in words.Even as the Dream-Guru-Bubble dissolvedTHAT, no-self, no-I wasand isthe Sadguru, or Guru principle91

BUTAll of that appears to only be true inside aDream-Bubble as long as there is an “I” oreven a Not-I-I state to say it isand is true.Without an “I” or the Not-I-I state therethere is no Guru, Sadguru or disciple92

The dreamWithinTheDreamXIXTHE HEART CENTERThe “I” appeared again wondering, noobsessing about the heart center. Once againI de-focused my eyes and looked through thelens of awareness into the emptiness.The emptiness contracted forming a bubblerealm,and within the bubble-realm anothermeditation class.The teacher began “I’d like you very gentlyto focus your attention on your physical heart.Feel your heart pumping, feel it or see it, butI’d like you to get a good deep sense of thebeating of your physical heart, and I’d likeyou to listen or feel or see your physical heartpumping. Let it deepen itself so that you reallyfeel it or hear it or see it. Keep your attentionon your physical heart, feeling or hearing orseeing it pumping.93

Now I’d like you to visualize,(like the “Secret of the Siddhas”)that inside your chest is actually beating thephysical heart of an enlightened being, (aBuddha), and that his or her physical heart isinside your body.Feel their heart pumping, hear it pumping.Visualize the enlightened being’s heart isbeating inside your own physical body.Feel the beating of their heart inside your body,the blood rushing through the veins.Continue to visualize the physical heart insideyour body. Feel the blood rushing.Feel the beating.Feel all the energy of this realized being’s heartinside your body.And nowRATHER THEN VISUALIZING THE HEARTOR HEARING THE HEART,BE THE HEART“Now”, she continued, “Visualize that insideevery person’s chest beats the heart of anenlightened being, (a Buddha).In a moment, I’m going to ask you to openyour eyes and make eye contact with someonein the room, appreciating that their heart, likeyours, is the heart of an enlightened being.94

Next:appreciate that “your heart and their heart areone and the same heart”Make eye contact with them keeping thatawareness.Okay, let your eyes open.Keep your attention focused on your heartas the heart of an enlightened being, (like aBuddha).Make eye contact with someone and imaginethat their heart, both of your hearts, are thehearts of enlightened beings.Next,focus on your own heart and let the “energy”flow out from the heart filling the entireuniverse on your exhale letting it flow outreaching all and everything in the universe. Onthe inhale let it flow back into your heart.**NowVisualize above your head or crown is a deitylike a Buddha. Now link your heart with theheart of the Buddha above your head.**Let the “energies of the two intertwine andbecome one connected whole between yourheart and the deity or Buddha’s heart above thecrown of your head.**95

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXSuddenly, I assume I had passed out,I was back in the emptiness again in theNot-I-I state.Through the lens of awareness a contraction ofthe emptiness appeared to occur which formeda bubble-realm that looked like a crystal ball.In the crystal realm there was anothermeditation class in process. They were sittingwith their eyes closed, and the teacher wasasking them to focus their attention andvisualize.The teacher said, “There are many, manyenergy centers in the body, but there’s sevenmajor energy centers which are called chakras.And we’re going to be working with those.The first Chakra is the root Chakra at base ofthe spine.96

The second chakra is about four fingers belowthe naval.“The third chakra is around the solar plexusarea.The fourth chakra is in the heart at the center ofthe chest,the fifth chakra is in the throat,the sixth chakra is the space between theeyebrows,and the seventh chakra is at the crown of thehead..Then The teacher said,“Meditate. Visualize that there is a thin tube,(blue on the outside, red on the inside***)which runs from the base of the spine to thecrown of the head*.Feel a connection between the base of the spineand the crown of the head through the tube.***ThenMeditate on the void inside the tube*.97

The teacher was quiet as there was a period ofsilence.I began to follow the instructions of theteacher.“Now gently”, I heard the teacher say, “bringyour awareness back to the room; let your eyesopen.”Next the teacher said,“Meditate on the lightening like energy movingfrom the root chakra to the crown of yourhead.*.Alternatively she suggested:Meditate on the energy moving up from thebase of the spine to the crown of the head like arainbow, or a spiraling spindle.**“Let your eyes close, she continued, feelingyour body pressed up against the seat, andnoticing your breath again, starting with thebase or root chakra at the base of the spine.Visualize a lightning-like energy, a rainbow, ora spiraling spindle moving from the base of thespine piercing all the chakras all the way up tothe crown of the head.Like a bolt of lightning***.98

You might even hear a clap of lightning, aclap of thunder. You might even smell as wellas a vision or a feeling as you experience thislightning-like energy moving up the base of thespine to the crown of the head., She persisted:“BE the experience of a lightning-like energy,the sound, the smell, the feeling of a lightninglikeenergy lighting up all of the chakras on thebase of the spine to the crown of the head.”NEXT:Visualize a lightning-like energy moving fromthe base of the spine, piercing all the chakrasall the way up to the crown of the head. Like abolt of lightning*.Then,Visualize the “energy” moving back downfrom the crown to the root chakra. And thenback up again from the root to the crown.Visualize this many times**Next“BE the lightning-like energy, the rainbow orthe spiraling spindle moving from the base ofthe spine, piercing all the chakras all the wayup to the crown of the head.”Then99

BE THE “ENERGY” AS YOURSELFALL MADE OF THE SAMECONSCIOUSNESSMove back down from the crown to the rootchakra. And then back up again from the rootto the crown. Be this many times**“It made my skin all tingly.” a student in theback of the room explained.The Teacher replied,“Experience the skin boundary like a wall.Then contemplate: “There is nothingsubstantial inside it.”*Visualize the inside of the body as vacuous, likea vacuum.**She went on,“Experience the skin boundary as a rainbow,or experience the skin boundary as crystal”.**The teacher started yet another meditation.“Meditate: On the energy moving up from theroot chakra to the crown of your head as if they100

were like rays of the sun getting more and moresubtle, as it reaches the crown of your head”.*NowBe the energy which moves the spine like raysof the sun.All the students began to share theirexperiences.In great depth they described the chakras andenergy running through their body.Next the Teacher continued:“Meditate on a deity of your choice, (like aBuddha) sitting just above the crown of yourhead. Then allow the energy from your heartto move up the spine to the crown of the headuniting with the heart-energy of your deity (likea Buddha).**101

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIDreams within dreamsIllusions within illusions within dream-bubblesWithin each dream-bubbleperceptions and logic give the illusion of bothbeing realand accurateOnce “outside” of the dream-bubbleperceptions and logic are “viewed” as illusionsA mirage in the desertSuddenly, feeling like somehow I had passedout yet again I was outside of the chakrameditation bubble. It was both blissful andenlightening inside the meditation class, BUTit seemed that chakras were only true “inside”the context of that particular bubble-realm.102

And, that each bubble universe I entered had aspecific system of liberation which appeared tobe true “inside” that particular bubble.From “outside the bubble realm, they seemedalmost as if I had entered into a dream world,a dream bubble, a dream realm. And thatupon waking up from that dream world, itssignificance was the same as if waking up froma dream into the waking state.Once “outside of the bubble the dream worldand its meditations seemed like a mirage.I wondered if I pondered, almost like a mantra,it’s all an illusion,or its all a dream,or its all a miragewould it help me?This understanding I had been given byNisargadatta Maharaj when he shouted at me,“It’s all an illusion”.Later I would be actually taught something likethis as part of The Six Yogas of Naraopa,The Yoga of the Illusory Body**.103

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIIIn Buddhism the heart is not the heart as itis normally thought about. The heart is theemptiness.Floating in emptiness was a delight, then as Ifocused through “my” awareness like beforeanother bubble-realm appeared to appear andagain I sat in a meditation class.The teacher of the group said,“Meditate: Every time a thought comesthrough your awareness. Imagine it becomingempty space.”*Next she saidMeditate: “Withdraw all your senses into thespace in the center of your chest.”*104

She continued, “Feel your body again. Enterinto the center of your chest, look out into thespace. And from that position, withdraw all ofyour senses;Beginning with the sense of touch, withdrawthe energy from the sense of touch.Focus your attention on the sense of touch andwithdraw your energy from the sense of touchand bring that energy into the space at thecenter of your chest.And now the sense of taste.Notice how your energy is involved in thesense of taste.And withdraw the energy from the sense oftaste and move it, or allow it to go into thespace at the center of your chest. Move, thesense of taste, into the space at the center ofyour chest.And the sense of smell.Again, withdraw the energy, the attention of thesense of smell.Dive into the void at the center of your chest.Keep withdrawing the energy of your sense ofsmell into the space at the center of your chest.And the sense of hearing.Withdraw your energy from the sense ofhearing; and move the energy into the space.105

Notice the attention of the energy in the senseof sight, and again,withdraw the energy involved in the sense ofsight and allow it to go into the space in thecenter of your chest.Allow all of the energy that you can towithdraw in the sense of sight and withdraw itto the space at the center of your chest.And now, starting back again with the sense oftouch, focus your attention on the space priorto the sense of touch.Now, focus your attention on the space prior tothe sense of taste.Meditate on the space prior to the sense ofsmell.And now, meditate on the space prior to thesense ofhearing. And next, meditate on the space beforethe sense of sight.And very gently, feel your body, wherever it’ssitting, and notice your breathing and wheneveryou’re ready, to let your eyesopen and come back to the room.”The teacher started to lead the group in yetanother meditation. This meditation has to dowith the five elements.she said:106

Meditate: Visualize the elements (air, earth,water, fire, ether), being sucked up into thespace at the crown of your head.*She began, “ Start off again by how you feel,just where your body is physically where theyare physically. And begin to notice again yourbreathe.Visualize a space at the crown of your head.focus your attention on the crown of your headas empty space. Focus your attention on thevoid in the crown of your head. And continueto focus your attention on the void in the crownof your head.And now,Visualize that all of the earth element in yourbody gradually being drawn up into the spaceat the crown of your head.Now,imagine all the water element being drawn upinto the space at the crown of your head.Draw all the water element, let it just be drawnup into the space at the crown of your head.Now, allow all the fire element, all the fire, tobe drawn up into the space at the crown of yourhead.Nowimagine all the air element being drawn up intothe space at the crown. of your bead.107

All the air element i continue to allow it to bedrawn into the void at the crown of your head.”As the teacher ended this meditation. I feltspacey and quiet and “disappeared yet again..108

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIIIThe Void In All DirectionsNisargadatta Maharaj,(maybe paraphrased):In the beginning you were nothingabsolutely. Then the nothing contracted andthe I Am appeared. At some point the I Amwill thin out and you will be nothing again.As I peered through “my” awareness theemptiness contracted and once again anotherbubble appeared forming another bubble-realmuniverse.Once again I was sitting in yet anothermeditation class. The teacher said, ”Let youreyes close and:109

Visualize the void above you, below you, to theleft of you, to the right of you, in front of youand behind you.Meditate on the void in all directionssimultaneously. Visualize the void in alldirections.*The realization that consciousness was theemptiness condensed and the emptiness wasthinned out consciousness deepened. Evenmore strikingly the mind and body werecondensed consciousness, undifferentiatedconsciousness and all was void condensed.There is no personal volition,there is no individual self.Its was consciousness.Even the sense of change or permanency, massenergy space and time, were appearances madeof consciousness.The sense of I am or beingness too appears toarise and subside in consciousness. Howeveras consciousness the I am too was nothingness.I realized that everything is made of energy orconsciousness was the crux and cornerstone ofunderstanding.Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say you arenot anything perceivable or conceivable.110

Consciousness is the basic substance ofeverything.This perspective unties the knots of theHeart. I appreciated that the heart was notheart as in the center of your chest or love, butthe heart was the absolute emptiness whichfirst appears at the crown of your head whichBuddhists referred to as the Bodhi-heart.111

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIVThe Transmutation of Energyor ConsciousnessAnother bubble appeared and yet anothermeditation class. This time the teacher said,“Meditate; Focus your attention on theemotion or the desire itself rather than on theobject of desire or emotion.*Transmutation of EnergyThe teacher explained that it was the constantutilization of any and all experiences as fuelwhich brings yourself back to yourself.112

He continued reading and then speaking from abook calledThe Spanda Karikas:“If at the moment of extreme anger, extremejoy, extreme sadness, or extreme happiness ,or you are running for your life if you wouldbecome introverted, (focus your attention onthe feeling as energy or consciousness ratherthan on the object of feeling, men, women,death) you would experience Spanda, thedivine pulsation or throb.*According to him a pure tantric would alwaysstay aware and utilize everything that comesas a form of consciousness. For example,Focusing on the delight rather than on theobject of delight as energy or consciousness ina different shape or form.*He began the meditation with:“Now we’re going to work with emotions anddesires. It doesn’t matter what it is you feel ordesire.Eyes closedAllow an object of extreme desire or emotionto come in. Visualize it. It could be a person, itcould be a situation, anything that you want.Notice what the object or situation or theexperience looks like and sounds like.113

Feel or notice sensations or feelings, thesensations inside your body associated withthat particular desire.Now, very gently, I’d like you to take yourattention away from the story or label of theemotion or desire and place it on the desire oremotion or feeling as made of consciousness or“energy”.A student asked, “How can I “remember”myself?” The instructor replied, “have part ofyour attention focused outwards on the world,and another part of your attention focused onyour inner world.Like in the work of Gurdjieff and Ouspensky,split your attention, placing half of it on youand the other half on the outer world.This split attention will help you rememberyourself.Also you can split your attention, half outsideon the world, the other half on your physicalweight.”Doing these attention exercises seemed to helpthe group staymore focused.I looked off into the emptiness and suddenly asif falling asleep,I was outside of the energy-consciousness114

meditation bubble-realm. Remaining inthe Not-I-I state realizing that all of thesepractices only appeared to be true “inside”the context of that particular bubble universerealm.And, that each bubble universe I entered hada specific belief system, which only appearedto be true through the perceptual apparatus orthrough the perception that appeared while“inside” that particular bubble.115

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXV“All you can teach is understanding, the restcomes on its own.” Nisargadatta MaharajNETI NETINisargadatta Maharaj: “ in order to find outwho you are you must find out who you arenot.”Within the emptiness I awoke from the deepestand most beautiful state of consciousness I hadever imagined. Actually, I only had a memoryof it because I was not there. I remembered theold Asian term Samadhi, which kind of meantno-me, kind of a no-experience experience ofno-me.What was certain however was that after thisno-me, I felt further away then ever from the116

ubble-realms that arose and subsided withinthe background of the emptiness.I decided my path was to dissolve all thebubbles, and then I would just be who I was.For what seemed like eons that’s all I did.Notice a bubble, say the magic words, “whotold you that, ‘the mind’’, notice the differencebetween me and it, focus on the emptiness, seeeverything as transparent etc.As I continued to exhaust myself - processingthis, dissolving that, I still felt like I was.As I focused on the emptiness throughawareness a bubble appeared. The only thingthat I could figure was it somehow related tothe work of a famous physicist named DavidBohm. Bohm, who wrote Wholeness and theInplicate Order in about 1950 had said thatthe universe is an unfolding and enfolding ofenergy, space, mass, and time.This meant, that if there was any experience(bubble) like lets say anger; that it must haveenergy, occupy a space, have some level ofsolidness, and have a beginning, a middle andan end.117

So therefore, since I was the witness of energy,space, mass and time then I must be beyondenergy, space, mass and time.Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Anything youcan know or know about you cannot be,therefore discard it”!A wave of intellectual clarity washed over melike being in the ocean on a summer day andhaving a wave of beautiful clear water washover yourself. I was beyond energy, space,mass and time.The level of pure knowing, which meantknowing with no object deepened as thisknowingness permeated through the emptiness.Simply stated:I prior to the “I” label was the emptiness.Falling into a deep restful sleepless sleep onceagain the state resembled kind of an in-betweenstate, in-between wakefulness and sleeping,or like the space between two thoughts or thespace between two breaths I used to experiencein mediation.I recalled all the words the Tibetan Buddhistswould use to describe the in-between statebetween death and life. I can’t recall all thosein-betweens now but I did remember the in-118

etween state the Buddhists called the Bardo.This new “understanding” which appearedthrough awareness lead me beyond a state ofbeing in time to No-Time, wheretime neither exists nor not exists.What was most striking about this apperceptionwas that once time was no more then theillusion of linearity and cause and effect whichappeared through the film or veil of awarenessby the mind also dissolved.I remembered two meditations from yearsearlierContemplate: I am not this psychicapparatus.*, i.e. the apparatus of the mind.Contemplate: The universe is withoutcauses”*…which also deconstructs the mindwith its cause and effect and linearity.Realizing I was not this machine like structure?Who or what am I then?This made clearer the experience of paralleluniverse theory; that all universes exist sideby-sidesimultaneously.119

From this perspective I could see that whateverappeared through awareness became real.It was as if a flashlight of awareness shinedand emptiness and the universe appeared madeof the label commonly called consciousnesswhich appeared as light.The light would solidify and contain its’ ownenergy (label) and occupy a space (label). Itwould appear as if it had always existed or hada duration in a concept labeled time.Once the flashlight of awareness dissolved,(like a flashlight being turned off) the universewould disappear, yet would actually exist inpotential or as “seeds” within the emptiness,which Bohm called the implicate order.The bubble realms unfolded from the implicateorder and once unfolded appeared to have aninherent existence. This unfolded implicateemptiness which Bohm called the explicateorder was the bubbles and what I called I, orthe subject. When the explicate enfolded itbecame the implicate emptiness again.Simply stated:The implicate emptiness unfolded and becamethe explicate perceivable world with a you or asubject.120

Then:The explicate perceivable world and you assubject would enfold and disappear becomingthe implicate emptiness “again”.121

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXVThere is a story that the Buddha appeared tobring in science.“I am going to give you objective knowledgeto objectively show you its all an illusion.”Nisargadatta MaharajThe Emptiness of the Not-I-I state was acomfort.As bubble-realms came and went, it becameeven clearer that there was no continuity orlinearity between bubble universes. Rather,continuity, linearity, cause and effect andorganization were only true in the context of orwithin a bubble-realm-universe. Bubble-realmscontained apparent universes which appearedto appear and disappear upon a blank screen of“nothingness”, which, as the Not-I-I, I became122

more aware of.Soon I was drawn into yet another bubble,I was immersed in the world of science andPhysics.Entering, or rather finding myself absorbed intothis logical provable bubble, I began to believethat physics explained everything internallyandexternally.As that bubble popped I began to reflect on pastbubbles I had been in, and according to thoseother bubbles I had separated myself fromthe physical universe as if spirit or spiritual isseparate from everything else. This separationincreased pain in a desire to find the one calledGOD. (an organizing principle). According tothe other bubble universes, I had imagined Iwas a separate seeker trying to integrate thephysical the emotional the psychological andthe spiritual as if they were not already one andare oneI entered into yet another Physics bubblerealm.Within the bubble realm the “I”unknowingly fictionized-fantasied that Physicswas not a metaphor but a reality.123

While outside of the bubble I reflected on thephysicist David Bohm again. In the past I hadapplied physics to both psychological andspiritual systems.A teacher within the bubble universe spoke ofan underlying order David Bohm had called theimplicate order.And, there was the perceivable universe whichBohm had named the explicate order.The perceivable physical universe according toBohm enfolds into the implicate order, and thenunfolds into what Bohm called the explicateorder.Reflecting on Bohm I recalled my earlierstudies of Kashmir Shaivsm.I realized that this was not to dissimilar fromthe Kashmir Shaivism’s Spanda KarikasIn the Spanda Karikas, (Spanda from thesanskrit translated as throb or pulsation,karikas translated as lessons, ergo Lessons inthe Divine Pulsation or the divine throb).In the Spanda Karikas the implicate orderis called Nimesa, (submergence). It is in thisresting state of nimesa or the implicate orderthat the consciousness dissolves like a wave in124

the ocean, like closing the eyelids.Unmesa, (Bohm’s explicate order) like openingthe eyelids is when the world, (shakti) with itspsychological “I” or subject-“I” appears.This pulsation or throb, from implicate orderto explicate order, or nimesa to unmesa iscalled Spanda.According to the Spanda Karikas “reality” isnot the psychological subject nor the psychophysicalexperience, nor is it the emptiness orvoid.Reality in the Spanda Karikas is Spanda,the pulsation from enfolding to unfolding, ornimesa to unmesa.When there is nimesa or revelation of theessential nature of the “divine” substance thereis a disappearance of the world.When there is unmesa or concealment of theessential nature of the “divine” substance, thereis the appearance of the world.It seemed that spiritual systems wantedthe implicate-nimesa, (Underlying unity orenfolded where there is no-I) anddid not want the explicate-ummesa, (unfoldedworld). More often then not spiritual systems125

esist the explicate, (perceivable world) insome way.This is because they dichotomize thinkingmatter and spirit as separate.Psychological systems have little interest inthe implicate (Underlying unity or order wherethere is no-I) and seek happiness from theexplicate, (the perceivable world).In fact, many of your psychological systemwould consider the implicate “ungrounded.”In physics, this explicate-unmesa contains fourmajor element, energy, space, mass and time.Ironically, each spiritual system focuses on onemajor aspect and ignores other aspects.For example:The spiritual systems of India works withwhat you call energy or the most powerfulforce of explicate energy which they callKundalini energy. So too the Taoist Yogas aremostly energy systems which are attempts tocultivate and bring forth the underlying implicitunderlying order.Buddhist systems, (specifically TibetanBuddhism) sometimes utilize “energy”however their focus is primary on emptiness.Actually, the Buddhist systems focus on126

space in an attempt to get to their sunyata, theultimate void or emptiness.Sufi orders, focus on weight or what a physicistwould call mass. In their practice they useattention on mass, gravity, the earth and weightin an attempt to feel and be with the earth andeverything else.Time, is probably the more difficult of alland is not really explored in any system.Although the time aspect is the glue whichholds together the other three aspects of energy,space, and mass. and provides linear abstractedexplanations as to why things are as they areand happen as they do.Mistakenly unmesa, (the explicate order) andnimesa, (the implicate order) are spoken of asif they occur one after anotherThis understanding or perception like allunderstanding and perception contains a timeelement or a linearity.Actually they occur simultaneously.Another problem is the separation of theemptiness of the underlying unity or theimplicate-nimesa from the explicate-unmesa asif they are separate when they are the same.127

As the “I” label or Not-I-I state pondered, thisquite spontaneously the emptiness blendedwith the bubble-realm and dissolved.Then, neither science nor the implicateexplicate,nor the enfolding nor the unfolding,nor the nimesa, nor unmesa mattered.They were all explanations which appeared toappear to be true,like a moon appearing to be the moon whenreflected in a lake,or the appearance of water within a mirage.128

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXVIThe I am is a dormant seedwithinthe implicate-nimesaIn the Not-I-I it was appreciated that bothspace and emptiness and all perceivables andconceivables are the explicate order or unmesa.The Not-I-I state, which was really a nonexistentself without an “I” labelrealized that the seeds of manifestation andformation lie within the implicate order ornimesa (or that which is a “perceivable”emptiness i.e. the emptiness which is perceivedas space).129

In other words the implicate order becomesform,and the explicate order becomes emptiness.Lying within the implicate order, (theoperative word being order) lies theunmanifested seeds of that which will becomemanifested. These seeds of consciousnessbecome the explicate perceivable world.All perceivables and conceivables are explicateorder, even the space which looks likeemptiness.Space appears when you appear. The you youcall yourself is an appearance in theexplicate-unmesa.Space too is explicate.The implicate order, (nimesa) is enfoldedexplicate, (unmesa).The emptiness which appears as space is stillthe explicate order, (unmesa). Within both arethe seeds, (uncooked seeds as they will latersprout and bear fruit) of what “later” becomethe world with a psychological subject.The emptiness prior to a perceiver unfolds orcontracts to form the explicate which containsenergy, space, mass and time along with theyou which perceives them. When the energy,130

space, mass, and time of the explicate orderenfolds only the implicate order remains, BUTstill containing the uncooked seeds.The you you call yourself also enfolds anddisappears as explicate “becomes” implicate.That is why the you you call yourself cannotknow the implicate order or nimesa.The you you call yourself can only know theexplicate order or unmesa.Actually an individual or “seed you” does notexist in the implicate.The seed you only appears as you when thedormant uncooked seeds of the implicatebecome the explicate.The you you call yourself is the fruit of theseeds contained in the implicate when theimplicate “becomes” the explicate.The explicate-unmesa, has energy, space, mass,and time.The implicate order nimesa has only theenfolded seeds of energy, space, mass, andtime.Please note that in Yoga Understanding a true131

Yogi must cook the seeds through meditationand “spiritual” practice so that the world, andthe subject-“I” no longer can appear as the fruitof the implicate seeds.METAPHORICALLY(As an aside Archetypes can be seen as energypatterns contained within the seeds.In the void there is nothing with thesimultaneous experience of potentialeverything.As the void unfolds sound and light appearwhich then begins to appear as patterns.The patterns of light are the collectiveunconscious or field in which the patterns ofthese seeds begin to bear fruit.Like a trajectory from emptiness to form, orlike throwing a rock in a lake, the waves have atrajectory.The collective unconscious contains all“energy” patterns or stories which thenproduce the ”personal” unconscious mind.From the “personal” unconscious mind whatappears is an individual conscious mind; i.e.our mind sets or beliefs, attitudes, emotions132

and associations and our feeling of beingseparate from others.The I am is the solidified illusion of anindividual self nature. The I am is a dormantseed within the implicate-nimesa. And it isthis I am which “becomes” the organizingego or sense of “I” to which everything else isorganized around.Everything including the “I” that is doing aspiritual practice is explicate or unmesa.Appreciating this the strange hold the mindhad over this explicate or unmesa “me” beganthinning out.It seemed as though with each experienceof disappearing and re-appearing comes adecreased sense of fusion with the individualmind.In this way the rope and the knot of the heartthat connects “you” to this individual “self”began to dismantle, unravel and sheds off.133

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXVIIThe Physics of EmptinessQuantum Yoga Psychology“You are not one “I” but many “I’s” G.I.GurdjieffAs I watched through awareness the differentparallel bubble-realms emerge and condenseout of the emptiness once again a calmenveloped “me”.Bubbles were like parallel universes theory inPhysics, in which universes exist side by side.Yet as I looked through awareness into theemptiness I could not grasp how any systemwhich existed only within a bubble-realm couldmove this “me” through the explicate-unmesaorder to the implicate nimesa order, never mindseeing them both as made of the same essentialsubstance.134

I began to wonder, what am I missing, how hadI got stuck in this explicate.It was then that “I” realized the paralleluniverses were just that, they appeared anddisappeared in and on nothing.I too, the realizer or knower of either or bothSpanda states also appears out of nothing anddisappear back into nothing.This is why as the explicate unmesa self, mybody-mind was unable to merge with theimplicate nimesa that lie in front of me.The “I” would appear from the emptiness of nolocation and enter the explicate form.I appreciated that once you are exposed to theemptinessthe explicate false sense of separateindividuality dissolves.I imagined that all the bubble beliefs that eachseparate “I” within a bubble universe had heldmust be examined and released.This reminded me of the quote from Gurdjieff,“You are not one “I” but many “I’s”.It seemed that the “I” and its beliefs place theillusion of more and morelayers or veils135

or boundaries within the bubble, (A bubblewithin a bubble within a bubble).Thus the layers of “I” which floated inemptiness made the “I” appear even moreseparaterather than one solid whole made of the onesubstance labeled consciousness.It seemed like the first thing to do was to seeeverything in the world as made of “energy” orconsciousnessand next, to see myself, the observer andeverything in the emptiness as made of thatsame “energy”.I steadied my non-existent eyes, kind ofdefocusing them through the awareness lens,and the consciousness was revealed. Soon theemptiness within the consciousness appeared.I then changed the direction of my gazesomehow and focused “inward” and must havedisappeared for some period of time beforeeventually coming back to my “present” state,whatever that was.136

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXVIII“Everything was made of emptiness, and form(or physical-ness and even consciousness) iscondensed emptiness.”I began to appreciate the brilliance ofBuddhism and the Shurangama Sutra asanother bubble appeared. I didn’t entercompletely into it, but glanced somehowtowards it. Within the bubble was an imageof Albert Einstein and a Buddha lookingcharacter. Memories of the Shurangama Sutrarang through the emptiness as the bubblepopped,“Everything was made of emptiness, and form(or physical-ness and even consciousness) iscondensed emptiness.”137

As I looked deeply through the vehicle ofawareness, form and emptiness began to blendinto one another.And no longer were.138

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIXDristi Shruti Vada: “The world is only thereas log as there is an “I” there to perceive it.”My relationship with the emptiness only waswhen an “I” was separate from the emptinessand the “I” imagined that it was.In the Not-I-I state I watched universes in theform of bubbles appear and disappear the stateof the very subtle film “layer” or “covering” or“veil” or lens labeled awareness was revealingthe secret of the nature of the mind.One emptiness bubble-realms appearedwhich contained the “substance” labeledconsciousness. And, as the substance labeledconsciousness further contracted the so calledmind appeared.139

The condensed consciousness called the mind“became” bubbles or realms. Each bubblegave the illusion of two or more separateconsciousnesses rather then it all being the onesubstance labeled consciousness.Ironically, through the veil of awareness eventhe substance labeled consciousness was anillusion.The dream substance or “material” calledconsciousness carried with it the illusionaryimplications of existence and non-existenceand was anthropomorphic in its nature as wellas containing the illusion of volition.The consciousness was part of the illusionan appearance which appeared on theemptiness as though it were separate from theemptiness(which was not empty, but full and emptysimultaneously), which means nether full norempty.The emptiness too was somehow only there aslong as there was an “I” or a perceiver there toperceive it.This in Sanskrit was called(dristi shruti vada: “The world is only there aslong as there is an “I” there to perceive it.”Still the emptiness through the awareness lens140

which appeared gave the illusion of alwaysbeing there and unchanged.This was calming in and of itself. Theemptiness gave the illusion of being achangeless background,and the bubble-realms a changing foreground.I recalled again in another dream somewherecalling this state of “understanding” the Not-I-Istate.Why the Not-I-I state?Because The “I” was not, there was just theemptiness,and yet there was an “I” or a knower who knewthe emptiness or nothingness.Strangely, when the emptiness was viewedthrough the veil of awareness the emptinessseemed to reveal and conceal and then revealthe nature of the bubble-realms.This gave the illusion of the emptiness alwaysremaining unchanged, like a blank screen.Thus, the Not-I-I state with its veil or lens ofawareness was a more subtle statean interesting point of departure within a verysubtle bubble-realm.And then it dawned on me again, the operativeword in Bohm’s implicate order was order.141

It was the veil of awareness which containedthe illusion of orderand it was awareness which organizing andinformed the perceiver and its perceiveduniverse.It was the veil of awareness which very verysubtly appeared with the reference pointof the “I”. And, once the “I” as a referencepoint dissolved, so did the illusionarysubstance labeled awareness along with itsperceivable world.It was the very very subtle awareness lens orveil utilizing the illusionary temporary stateof the Not-I-I state which gave the illusionwhich gradually solidified the label called“me” and “the world”.With each bubble and question that wouldarise the illusionary nature of both the questionand answer was based only an illusionaryconcept which existed only within a bubblerealm.Instantaneously both the question andthe answer along with the bubble-realm andawareness itself disappeared.(Awareness was part of the Illusion)142

Awareness as the lens or veil can be likenedto a layer or lens or film prior to theillusionary emptiness,.(The mind, which is formed much laterassumes because it is in time that everythingis in time and that everything comes fromsomething.)(Awareness is actually nothing)Once awareness appears to appear out ofnothing then awareness appears with somethingto be aware of.As long as there is a sense of awareness therewill always be something to be aware of.Awareness and its object arise and subsidesimultaneously.Ultimately awareness has to not be there.143

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXXIn a bizarre way there are two “aspects” ofvoid.The first the Buddhists call the manifestingvoid, (that which becomes, like the Spanda,implicate-nimesa becoming explicateunmesa).And the Absolute or non-manifesting void.**As awareness being with the emptinesswatching universes in the form of bubblesappear and disappear brought me a deep senseof calm.The emptiness viewed through the veil ofawareness was revealing the nature of the mindwith its background emptiness.144

Through the lens of awareness the emptinessappeared as a changeless background, thebubbles an ever changing foreground.In the Not-I-I state I reviewed the priorrealization that the emptiness was the same asthe bubble-realm-universes just condensed.Consciousness, the mind, and the bubblerealmswere all condensed emptiness.Suddenly like a bolt of lightening piercingthrough me, there was a total recognition that Itoo was condensed emptiness made of the samesubstance as the consciousness the mind thebubble and the emptiness.This demonstrated to me the essence ofBuddhism,That the bubble universe was a Buddha Realmmade of consciousness, which was condensedto form. And I to was THATInterestingly the emptiness was labeledBuddha.In other words,“Form is emptinessemptiness is form”When the emptiness and form were separate,the emptiness was the Buddha field, and145

the bubbles of condensed emptiness were theBuddha realms.Buddha realms were labeled Buddha realms.And from within a bubble they were labeledSamsaraEverything was emptiness and form, includingconsciousness was condensed emptiness. Ifthe form and emptiness “magically” blendedtogether they and the label called “I” wouldvanish and were not, (nirvana with a small n).Therefore:Nirvana was Samsara,Samsara was Nirvana146

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXI“There is no birthThere is no deathThere is no personIt’s all a conceptIt’s all an illusion”Nisargadatta MaharajThrough the veil of awareness theNot-I-I state was floating in the emptinessand again another parallel bubble universeappeared.In this bubble realm a group wasworking on death.The teacher here looked like a Tibetan monk,he said to the group,147

“Meditate: Imagine that the world is coming toan end and that there are only ten minutes leftto live.”I asked the teacher about death. He replied,“People are in a constant denial of death. Lifehad been compartmentalized, everyone acts “asif “, they would never die.”The teacher said,“life and death are two sides of the coin.Actually he said life and death do not existfrom the complete realization.But you must know there are many systemslike Tibetan Buddhism which attempt to getpeople like yourself past the concept of deaththrough certain practices.”The teacher suggested to Meditate:Focus on your physical body as being onfire***NEXTFocus on the entire world and all itsinhabitants as being on fire**Then148

Surround the cremated body with “deities ofyour “choice”. They could be alive or dead.For example the Buddha, Jesus, etc.Then Visualize them surrounding your bodymeditating or chanting over your body as itburns and the ashes of your cremated body areblown away.Soon the “I’ label felt a deep letting go andrelief as there was neither birth nor deathoutside of a bubble.Life and death did not exist outside of theRealms.Tibetan Buddhism attempted to get peoplebeyond the concept of death through certainpractices,however birth and death were non-existent!“There is no birthThere is no deathThere is no personIts all a conceptIts all an illusion”Nisargadatta Maharaj149

The dreamWithinTheDreamXXIIBeyond the Spanda“In the Absolute state I do not even knowthat I am” Nisargadatta MaharajThe “I” label realized that when everythingincluding yourself is seen as the sameundifferentiated substance –there is no you –The Not-I state began to appreciate an earliermusing:Noted physicist David Bohm had postulatedthat the universe enfolds and disappears andthat enfolding he called the implicate order,(order being the operative word).Then the universe unfolds and the worldappears150

this Bohm called the explicate order,(order being the operative word).Similarly, as I had realized before in theSpanda Karikas, (Lessons in the DivinePulsation, or Divine Throb).The unfolding was called unmesa, (where theworld and the I-subject appears),and nimesa, was the submergence where the I-subject and the world disappears.Your individual explicate unmesa-self –enfolds, (disappears) into the implicate nimesawhere there is no you and no distinctionsAs implicate nimesa there is no individual youto know or record what occurs –As the implicate-nimesa unfolds the explicateunmesa “I” appears with the world and thepsychological subject.Through the lens of awareness the “I” labelenjoyed the Spanda, the divine pulsation orthrob of the implicate nimesa unfolding andbecoming explicate unmesa,appreciating that as nimesa-implicate there isno world.The Not-I-I state “turned within itself” andpopped.151

As it was “popping”; Like a light being turnedon which dispelled the “darkness” of an unlitroom,OH MY GODSo too the Spanda popped!!!The implicate nimesa orderand the explicate unmesa orderdo not happen in a linear way,but rather simultaneously,requiring an “I” or perceiver or knower.A knower or perceiver and its perception givesthe illusion of beingness, existence and isnessThe illusion of existing in time.Without a perceiver there is no time.Without time and the “I”s projected linearitythrough the veil of awareness no one thingcan become something else.A thing becoming another thing is a perceptionin time.For example the “knowing” of the Spandawhereby an implicate nimesa becomes theexplicate unmesa152

The “perceived” concept called Spandawhich describes the process requires a“perceiver” in time.In this way both the implicate nimesaand the explicate unmesa are descriptiverepresentations of something which does notexist outside of or without a knower or an “I”there to know it.As there is no time; unfolding unmesa andenfolding nimesa along with the experienceof Spanda cancel each other out, and are nomore, and you—as an individual are no more.To clarify, time appears with linearity andcause and effect only as long as awareness and“I” is there.Once the vehicle of awareness and an “I” is nolonger,THAT is Nirvana. (with a capital N)Simply statedAwareness is part of the illusion.Awareness is the vehicle by which the i-labelappears and sees the world.Through awareness the perceivable andconceivable give the illusion of being.153

Once the vehicle or veil of awarenessdissolves,THAT is nirvana, (with a capital N)Once the vehicle or veil of awarenessdissolves, THAT is nirvana, (with a capital N)Once the vehicle or veil of awarenessdissolves, THAT is nirvana, (with a capital N)Buddha: “You might not necessarily be awareof your own enlightenment.”The label called “I” “me”, and the Not-I-Istate, (the operative word being state)can not taste the Absolute which is beyondthe “I” label, consciousness, non-duality, theSpanda, and even awareness.Baba Prakashananda, ‘You do not wantliberation, if you have it, you will not be thereto appreciate it.”154

The Eight Negations of NagarjunaThere is no arisingThere is no subsidingThereis no comingThere is no goingThere is no unity or non-dualityThere is no dualityThere are no similaritiesThere are no differences155

Non-LinearNotesFromThe WakingDream State156

The Emptiness Bubble:The emptiness and the bubble-realms, as wellas consciousness appear through the veil ofawareness.As awareness itself expands to include theempty background, eventually emptiness aswell as awareness dissolves.And, with the dissolution of awareness, theemptiness and the bubble-realms are revealedto appear only within an emptiness or voiduniverse.Once, or as awareness is no more, so tooemptiness, consciousness and bubble-realmsare no more. As they only give the illusion oftheir existence within a void universe which nolonger is.157

Waking DreamsIAfter the “I” label disappearedagain it reappeared (the condensed emptiness“I”) and “I” was again.The “I” label was in the unquestioned state ofconsciousness which appeared as if it were apermanent state labeled the waking state.I sat to meditate by merely closing my eyes.Instantly “I” saw clearly that what had beenlabeled“my personal” consciousness and allconsciousnesses for that matter were actuallyone consciousness.And, that even THAT one consciousness wascondensed emptiness which gave the illusionof being a stable permanent bubble or dreamrealm called the waking state and perceivableuniverse.Interestingly as the consciousness “thinnedout”, the consciousness appeared first as lightbefore it subsided and became emptiness.**158

It was a “light” that lie between consciousnessand the emptiness.**Somehow reviewing the condensing-thinningout processrealizing that everything was made of the samesubstanceeven the Not-I-I state “momentarily”disappeared.With the reappearance of the Not-I state therewas only emptiness viewed through the lens orveil of awareness.Instantly, with this view all experiencesdisappeared into nothingness, and Not-I statewas viewed pure emptiness again ...not even consciousness remained becauseconsciousness too was condensed emptiness.(As viewed through the lens-veil calledawareness)The beauty of Buddha’s Heart Sutraonce again vibrated through the emptiness,“Form is none other then emptiness,Emptiness is none other then form”If the “I” label or Not-I state appeared throughthe veil of awareness could see form asemptiness,159

emptiness as formand there was no difference between the bubbledream realm or anything elseeverything disappeared.Now “my mind” or better said the mind wasemptiness.It was emptiness which was the cornerstone ofmind called Buddha mind or Buddha nature, orprimordial Buddha mind.A deep comfort and peace spread throughthe emptiness as the Not-I state recalled thatin Quantum Physics there had always thisdiscussion of particles or waves.Is energy a particle or a wave?What the “I” label or Not-I state saw throughthe veil of awareness was that:the particle was the waveand that the wave was the particle,and that the emptiness was the particle and thewave.“The particle is not the wave.Andthe wave is not the particleyet is the particle.Or put in the Zen Buddhist context160

“Everything has Buddha nature.”Zen Koan:Zen Master to student: “Does a dog haveBuddha nature?”Student: YesMaster: Mu, (without)I was left again withJohn Lennon’s voice:“Turn off your mind relax and float downstreamIt is not dying,It is not dyingLay down all thoughts surrender to the voidIt is shiningIt is shining. “161

Waking DreamsIIWITHOUT THE EXISTENTIAL MIRAGEThe “I” label, (the condensed emptiness “I”)must have appeared again because suddenly“I” was and was in the “normal” consciousnesscommonly called the waking state.As the labeled “I” sat for meditation again Iwas the Not-I-I state and peered through theveil called awareness into the emptiness.The emptiness appeared to becomeconsciousness and then appeared to becomesomething else, i.e. a bubble or a psychoemotionalstate.“I” was struck by the fullness of emptiness andsimultaneously the emptiness of fullness.I had once read that if you looked at an atomwith it’s nucleus in the middle and electronsspinning around the nucleus and were toenlarge the nucleus to the size of the sun, andthe electron to the size of the earth there wouldbe more space between the electron and the162

nucleus then there was between the sun and theearth.Metaphorically with a subatomic lens on theemptiness appeared as the spacious sky wouldappear on a clear night. Each planet or star wasa bubble or realm and each contained a uniqueuniverse or dream realm with a unique reality.I felt comforted by the fact that all of theseuniverses, be them “inner” or outer”, (althoughthe term “inner” or “outer” seemed silly rightnow), were just bubbles floating in emptiness.What was even more astounding was that eachplanet or universe or bubble or realm wasmade of the same substance commonly labeledconsciousness or condensed emptiness.And that the perceived world only existed dueto an illusion of contrasts; as if things weremade of different substances.This illusion of contrasts brought about theconcepts of Isness, bengness, existence andnon-existence, the I am, and all conceivables.“I” realized that both form and emptiness hadno inherent existence, and hence werewithout Buddha nature.There was no Buddha nature without aperceiver and awareness there to perceive it…163

without awareness, a knower or perceiver theisness of being and the illusion of existenceand non-existence, (or better said an existentexperience-able non-existence) dissolved.164

Waking DreamsIIIShiva Sutras: “The cause of bondage issound.”Sound produces letters, letters form words,words produce concepts.The “I” label, (the condensed emptiness “I”)once again appeared and suddenly “I” was andonce again was in the “normal” consciousnesscalled the waking state, (the operative wordbeing state, as all states are temporary and onlyappear within a bubble-realm).The “I” label was flooded with“What the fuck what is happening,what is real”?.All these bubbles and dream realms weresurrounded by emptiness, made of condensedemptiness, BUT what were all these spiritualpaths “I” had referred to as portals?Like a flash of clarity:All systems contain words165

Words form definitions with boundaries andbeliefs embedded within them.All words contain the inherent belief that thething they are describing actually is.To this effect, it is words, produced by soundwhich is the cornerstone of any experience.Shiva Sutras: “The cause of bondage issound.”Sound produces letters, letters form words,words produce concepts.Shiva Sutras: “Knowledge is bondage”It seems that the more you know or knowabout, or try to know understand and knowabout, more knowns, knowables, mysteries,and unanswered questions appear.Searching for answers through seeking usingthe vehicle of awareness is “going in theopposite direction”. When you look for thesearcher or seeker it disappears like a puff ofsmoke.“See the world as a magicians trick”***166

Waking DreamsIVThe Vijnana BhairavaContemplate: “That liberation and bondageare just concepts.”*The purpose of the seeker is not to find but toseekAll experiencers wishing freedom from certainexperiences become not “seekers after truth,”(as a Sufi might say)but seekers after experiences, (permanentexperiences) which are supposed to liberate.Prior to these words and experiences aresensations.In this way there are few “seekers aftertruth”, and many “seekers after sensation”,(permanent sensations).Seekers after sensation believe in words,magic words and sounds that will lead themto the ultimate experience and understandingwhich supports the illusion of being and167

therefore appear to have the opposite effect.Without I amWithout youWithout he, she or it or isWithout we areWithout they areStart off by not believing anything that isor appears to beEspecially the words which make them moresolid and appear to beWithout freedom in the mindWithout associational networksWithout factsWithout cause and effectWithout goalsWithout purposeWithout justifications or a schema or arationaleWithout the tangible universeWithout a symbolized system168

Waking DreamsVThe Shiva SutrasContemplate: “The cause of bondage issound.”In spiritual systems certain words areput together to represent somethingincomprehensible and beyond understanding.This leaves the impression that this “beyondunderstanding” thing or experience actuallyexists and actually is.These in-comprehend-able word-meaningsappear in a short form as a symbol or picturewhich tells a larger narrative.It is the belief that by understanding or throughgrasping these symbols and word-soundsfreedom from pain or enlightenment or selfrealizationor liberation will follow.Few can decipher the meaning of the soundsand word-symbols.169

Those that can decipher the meanings of wordsoundsand symbols are therefore labeled andbelieved to be higher then those who cannotdecipher the word-sound meanings.The meaning of these symbols are thereforelabeled sacred and those who can decipherthem are attributed certain status with magicalpowers.This miss-conception keeps the power of wordsoundsand symbols within a spiritual systemsacred, as if it can only be had by a privilegedfew.This represents the perceivable universe.Which without sounds, words or concepts anda perceiver are not.The mind is an illusion of words and soundsin which words and sounds solidifies and reenforcesthe perceivable.The words unperceivable or unperceivableuniverse, or beyond the mind, or a universebeyond is also granted the illusion of isness,beingness and existence.Even the word non-existence gives the illusionthat nonexistence actually exists and is.All of this belongs to the illusion of isnesscontained within words and sounds.170

Once again the “I” label vanished.Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Questioneverything don’t believe anything”171

Waking DreamsVIBuddha at one point picked up his sandal andsaid,“This is the witness.”The Buddha was saying that the couch is thewitness,the chair is the witness,my arm is the witness.Everything is the witnessas everything is made of the same substanceThe witness is everything and everything is thewitness.The witness is an appearance in consciousness,(condensed emptiness) appearing through andpart of the veil of awareness.The witness is condensed emptinessThe witness, like emptiness or form eitherhappens or not, appears or not and is stilldependent upon the veil of awareness and aperceivers’ perception172

There is no witness and there is no witnesserthere is only that one substance.There is no individual or inner witness–just witnessing–and the witness just appears or not.There is no one substance.Nor is there duality or non-duality without theillusion which appears through and is part ofawareness.The knower of consciousness and theconsciousness are made of the same substanceThere is no knower knowing or knownNo witness, witnessed or witnessingI knew I wasn’t the witness.173

Waking DreamsVIIAs the Not-I-I state appeared again it realizedthat “spirituality” with all its associatedexperiences and qualities only appeared toexist in the temporary perception of the wakingstate (which the “I” label had assumed waspermanent and real).The temporary waking state was the contextfor all “spiritual” experiences and philosophies.The “I” label realized that the waking state asthe context for “spirituality” meant that notonly was spirituality an illusion, it only existedin the temporary waking state.174

Waking DreamsVIIIWithout eyesWithout earsWithout a tongueWithout a noseWithout a mouthWithout fearWithout death,(Variations on the Buddhist Heart Sutra)WHO IS THE DRIVER OF THE CHARIOT?The impermanent Not-I-I state appeared onan impermanent state called emptiness, (whichhad been taken as permanent at one time).the “I” label was again appearing in a statedesignated as the waking state.Through the veil of awareness:the emptiness appeared, or better said, the“labeled “I” was floating in emptiness.The Not-I-I state suddenly had an urge:“Who is perceiving the emptiness?,175

Look for the looker.”As the Not-I-I state turned its attention orawareness around there was no-thingThen what or who is looking?Without a looker, a knower or a perceiverThere is nothingNot even emptinessEmptiness means withoutThe experience of emptiness is part of theillusionEmptiness means withoutNot BuddhaThe experience of emptiness is part of thedreamEmptiness means withoutThe experience of emptiness is part of themirageEmptiness means withoutThe experience of emptiness is part of theillusion176

Emptiness means withoutNirvana is withoutWithout an “I” there is know itBuddha: “Those who seek Nirvana areignorant,those who seek samsara are ignorant”Neither are.Nirvana and samsara are words/experienceswhich represent things which do not exist.Nisargadatta Maharaj, “Nothing is.”Without eyesWithout earsWithout a tongueWithout a noseWithout a mouthWithout fearWithout death,(Variations on the Buddhist Heart Sutra)All perceivables and conceivables are lensesVeilsFloating through the AbsoluteWhich is not perceivable, knowable,experience-able or be-able177

Without any organizationWithout any organizing principleWithout an organizing “I”Don’t fall in love with the emptiness its just anexperienceEmptiness does not mean empty like in spaceBUTWithoutThe Not-I-I state like its subtly “perceived”consciousnessor emptinessor it explanations of them is a dreaman illusion.Without infinityWithout beginningWithout end does not mean eternalRather it means there is no such thing asbeginningThere is no such thing as end.Without the witness,Without the one substanceWithout the void or emptinessWithout emptinessthe voidness of voidthe voidness of void178

the voidness of voidthe nonexistent imperceivable or be-able voidthe nonexistent imperceivable or be-able voidthe nonexistent imperceivable or be-able voidTHAT is beyond name or form or beyondanything knowable.Hindus use the word THAT.I am not consciousnessI am THATWithout knowerwithout knowingwithout a knownWithout THATEmptiness is awareness dependent.Without the illusion of awareness there is noillusion of emptiness and no Buddha Nature179

Waking DreamsIXNisargadatta Maharaj(slightly paraphrased):Stay in the space betweenbefore beingness becomes non-beingness andnon-beinginess becomes beingness.This space between the enfolding andunfolding is the bardo, or in-between space.Within the apparent emptiness, (as emptinesstoo is in the mind) lies the causal body whichcontains the seeds of the subtle body or mind.These causal body seeds, should they remainuncooked yield the fruit of the mind or thesubtle body.The space between the apparent emptiness orcausal body enfoldsAndfrom that enfolded the unfolded appearsas the subtle body or mind and its physicalcounterpart.180

This accounts for the germination or sproutingof the mind again and again and again.The seeds appear not to be,or to be at rest in the apparent emptinessor causal body or implicate order prior togermination.This enfolding-unfolding is the nimesa-unmesaof Spanda.The space between is the Supra-casual orSupreme Witness which subtly rests betweenthe apparent emptiness or void and thephysical.There are metaphorically two voids, the voidof manifestation, the vehicle through which allthat appears to appear appears, and the Voidwhich never manifests**The Supreme Witness “watches” the unfoldingand enfolding and the space between which isSpanda yet remains “beyond it”To deconstruct this apparent movement, callit Spanda, realize that the implicate or nimesaand explicate unmesa do not become oneanother.181

Seeing or knowing or witnessing one becomingthe other is already a linear projection of timeupon that which occurs simultaneously and isnot in time.As there is no time they happen simultaneously.In this way the Spanda concept deconstructsitself.Realizing the subtle trap of the “SupremeWitness”the Supreme Witness too dissolves and so doesthe universe.182

Waking DreamsXThe “I” label dissolved and the Not-I-I statebegan in a very methodical way to review whatit had realizedAS THE WITNESS of all that has taken placewithin “many” bubble-dream-realms1.) The Witness was made of the samesubstance, (call it consciousness or whatever)as that which was being witnessed2.) That a very subtle “film” or “veil” or layer”or “covering” or lens called awareness wasthe vehicle that “viewed” consciousness ascondensed emptiness.3.) All words were descriptions and were labelswhich appeared and disappeared offering theillusion of existence. All perceivables andconceivables were a non-existent mirage. Inother words the “I” label was a mirage that didnot know it was a mirage.183

4.) Nothing is doing nothing to nothing. Allappearances gave the illusionary appearanceof existence through the vehicle of awareness,including the condensation of emptiness, whichappeared as consciousness.5.) Awareness is the vehicle of the illusion.While reviewing this, both the “I” label and thewitness were no more. To say how much timeelapsed before the “I” label returned seemsludicrous–I was a bubble made of the same substance asthe experience.The experience and the experiencer were thesame substance.Hence non-existent.The illusion had been that there was anindependent experiencer having an experience,or that some I or me created an experience.Actually the experiencer and the experienceappeared together,(they were as Nagarjuna would say:dependently arising, or they had noindependent existence).And, since it all was made of the samesubstance they neither existed nor not existed.Either way it was all the same Buddha,184

(nature), which too was nonexistent andillusionary and thereforeNot Buddha.It seemed interesting, the idea that mostspiritual groups I had been involved in weretrying to get rid of, destroy that which wassomething that was condensed emptiness, andthe same as everything else.The hunt for or to process or go beyond egoseemed ridiculous.There is no separate thing called an ego,it was just a particle or bubble floating inemptiness, which was the same as emptinessconsciousnessand therefore non-existent.When I was absorbed into the Buddha, (nature)—I was the Buddha, (nature)—hencenothing was everything, and yet was not.THAT is indestructible.THAT which we are all seeking and cannotfind is because it is who we are without an “I”to know it.I was no longer, I could not ask or answer aquestion because there was not an I to ask it.The Buddha, (nature) was the background.and I as Buddha, (nature) was the foreground.185

Like the nagging question,“Who Am I?”, or“Where am I?”if you look for and try to find the one you thinkyou are you never can find it because there isnobody or no self.Another question simultaneously dissolved.The question was about “spiritual” practice.Some had said it was absolutely necessary,while others insisted that “spiritual” practicere-enforced the “I”.Clearly the “I” does not exist,SO“How can a non-existent “I” re-enforceitself?”The obvious answer is it can’t.The question then was, Who does “spiritual”practice in the first place?The answer was obviously, “spirituality” and“spiritual” practice can only appear to occur ina bubble realm through the veil of awareness.Therefore:Can “spiritual practice re-enforce the “I”-NO!Is spiritual practice a must-NO!Whether or what an “I” believes or does cannothelp or hinder186

The “I” was an illusion!Even if you believe that you are or I am,or believe that you are notMatter not!Because the “I” is an illusionSince you are not the “I” what do you carewhat the “I” appears to do or the “I” does.Its only in the mind.When asked about realization NisargadattaMaharaj answered,“There is nothing you can do to slow itdown, there is nothing you can do to speed itup.”187

Waking DreamsXI“There is no world”The Buddha (The Diamond Sutra)As the “I”-body the you you imagine yourselfto be dissolves, so to does the illusion of beingor existing in a physical location or placeperceiving a world. Place, space, distance andlocation are part of the illusionLocation can only exist in relation to positionor a separate thing exiting in relation to anotherthing. In this case the thing is the body and itsperceivables and conceivables..Location like cause and effect is a concept ofthe metaphoric explicate-unmesa only.In this metaphoric story when theprogramming of thinking and feeling that youare an “I” with a body dissolves the metaphoricexplicate-unmesa of an “I” which has energy,occupies a space, has weight, has dimension,exists in time with a duration in a location anddistance also disappears.188

What’s left is not even the awareness of theimplicate order or nimesa or Spanda.Without a knower, perceiver, observer, witness,awarer, the concepts of energy, space, mass,and time and all perceivables and conceivablesare realized as explicate-unmesa.An illusion which is “I” dependentAll knowledge of the implicate order-nimesa isstill explicate-unmesa knowledge and thereforeis an illusion.Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Anything you knowor know about is not you, therefore discardit.”Birth and death are the seeds of the implicateorder which is explained by an explicate orderwhich is where the imagined you appears.Without a “I-body” there is no explicate orimplicate nor nimesa nor unmesa.An Explicate-Unmesa StoryVery very very metaphorically memory remainsin seed form as the enfoldment of the implicate(order) which forms the explicate memory.Collective memory unfolds from the implicateorder.Further unfoldment, or contraction is what189

is called personal memory, i.e. thoughts orfeelings or memoriesand imagining they belong to a “you” which isan explicate you—but they are not yours as inownership—they belong to the implicated seeds ofcontraction.As the Not-I-I state began to dissolve therewas a dissolution the “I-body” as a perceptualcenter.This is the last thing the “I-body” recalled.190

Waking DreamsXIIThe Not-I-I state appeared and experienceditself as the background emptiness-Buddha ofany experience.Then it realized that any “I” or bubble wasforeground-Buddha.Again the background Buddha and theforeground Buddha blended.Suddenly the background emptiness andthe foreground-Buddha “shifted” as thebackground-Buddha and the foreground-Buddha blended became one and disappeared.This can be likened to the metaphor of theKundalini Shakti as a snake which lies at thebase of the spine. The Kundalini or primalenergy, (shakti) awakens and travels up thespine where it meets Shiva, (The emptiness).In the Yoga story they are married.Suffice to say they blend and realize that thetwo,Shiva and Shaktiare one191

Nirvana means extinction.Without form or emptiness.This is why the Buddha said,“No being has ever entered Nirvana.”192

Waking DreamsXIIIThe enfolding and unfolding called Spandaappeared to occur through the vehicle or veil ofawareness to an explicate or unmesa witness.It actually it did not occur,It was a perceivable experiential occurrenceonly to an condensed-explicate “I” label.The Nimesa or implicate order was anexplanation and an assumption made from anexplicate or unmesa “I” label.The bubble-realms contained the “I” and theknower of the “I”, which gave the illusion acontinuity, linearity or a relationship.An organizing-I imagined in its reflective(Miss) understanding or (miss) perceptionthat all bubble I’s were related to itself, notrealizing that each knower or bubble-realm wascondensed emptiness,Moreover even the experience of the emptybackground or emptiness was not emptiness at193

all but part of the illusion of being.The empty background was the bardo or spacebetween the bubble-realms.The knower and known within the bubblerealmwas an illusionbecause it imagined it was onlybecause of the illusion of two or moresubstances.With only one substance the “I” had nolocation, no dimensions, no place, and noposition.With this realization the question,“Where am I?” dissolves as there is no where..There is no such thing as place, and without aplace “I” was not.With all these notions of a self, a self of all,a god or presence absence Spanda unmesa,nimesa, impicate-explicate dissolves.194

Waking DreamsXIV“Nothing is.” Nisargadatta MaharajAny understanding, knowing, or experience isan illusion.There is neither this nor that, nor this nor this.Even the Witness, the knower, the Buddha,consciousness, presence, God or awarenessitself is merely a state within a realm,an illusionfor lack of a better word THAT substancewhich has neither the concept of a beginning orend, nor is, nor isn’t.The concept of is or the concept of isn’t like itscounterpart existence or non-existence appearsto exist only within the illusion of a bubblerealm.That substance too, is non-existent.195

Waking DreamsXVFROMTHE SIX YOGAS OF NAROPA:COMBINATIONS, PERMUTATIONSAND VARIATIONS ON THETHE DREAM YOGA(THE YOGA OF THE ILLUSORYBODYTHE YOGA OF THE CLEAR LIGHT(WITH MODIFICATIONS)See the dream as dreamSee the dream as dreamSee the dream as dreamChange the dreamChange the dreamChange the dreamSee the dream as consciousness196

See the dream as consciousnessSee the dream as consciousnessSee the dream as lightSee the dream as lightSee the dream as lightSee the dream as emptinessSee the dream as emptinessSee the dream as emptinessSee the dream as voidSee the dream as voidSee the dream as voidSee the dream as the Buddha fields, Buddharealms, or the BardoSee the dream as the Buddha fields, Buddharealms, or the BardoSee the dream as the Buddha fields, Buddharealms, or the BardoThe perceiver or knower of the dream and thedream are part of the non-existent illusionThe perceiver or knower of the dream and thedream are part of the non-existent illusionThe perceiver or knower of the dream and thedream are part of the non-existent illusion197

The perceiver or knower of change orpermanency and the dream are part of the nonexistentillusionThe perceiver or knower of change orpermanency and the dream are part of the nonexistentillusion The perceiver or knower ofchange or permanency and the dream are partof the non-existent illusionThe perceiver or knower of the consciousnessand the consciousness and the dream are part ofthe non-existent illusion.The perceiver or knower of the consciousnessand the consciousness and the dream are part ofthe non-existent illusion.The perceiver or knower of the light and thelight and the dream are part of the non-existentillusionThe perceiver or knower of the light and thelight and the dream are part of the non-existentillusionThe perceiver or knower of the emptiness andthe emptiness and the dream are part of thenon-existent illusionThe perceiver or knower of the emptiness andthe emptiness and the dream are part of thenon-existent illusion198

The perceiver or knower of the void and thevoid and the dream are part of the non-existentillusion. The perceiver or knower of the voidand the void and the dream are part of the nonexistentillusion.The perceiver or knower of the void and thevoid and the dream are part of the non-existentillusion.The perceiver of the dream and the Buddhafields, Buddha realms and Bardo, and thedream are non-existent illusionsThe perceiver of the dream and the Buddhafields, Buddha realms and Bardo, and thedream are non-existent illusionsThe perceiver of the dream and the Budddhafields, Buddha realms and Bardo, and thedream are non-existent illusions.See the dream as awarenessSee the dream as awarenessSee the dream as awarenessThe concept of a perceiver, and awareness andthe dream are non-existent illusions.The concept of a perceiver, and awareness andthe dream are non-existent illusions.199

The concept of a perceiver, and awareness andthe dream are non-existent illusions.200

THE ENDOf THE NON-LINEARTHE STORY201