Seven and James Barely Baptist Church - The Noble NoZe ...

DPS to ticket pedestrians on campus
Proliferation of banana peels cited as cause
Bright ideas are often born on the crapper.
The same goes for the not-so-bright ones.
Baylor DPS, after spending the better
part of the afternoon in the can, decided to ticket
pedestrians found on campus as a further precaution
to student’s safety after
deciding last week to ticket
longboarders.
“When I was a
child, my brother tied my
shoelaces together while
I was taking a nap during
an episode of Clutch
Cargo (with Spinner and
Paddlefoot),” Police Chief
Dim Joak said. “I ran outside
to play stickball with
my friends, and when I
reached the threshold of
our neo-modernist, pre-colonial,
gothic ranch house, I
tripped down the stairs and
rolled into the moat meant
to keep out carpetbaggers.
I fought for my life while
my friends placed bets on
the odds I would survive. I’ll never forgive my
brother.” Students are baffled by Joak’s logic.
“How are we supposed to get to class if
we can’t walk there?” freshman Cindy Daphne
Clue said.
Joak, sitting in his chair at police head-
11
Artist rendering of Joe Baylor
in 2060 “Hangin’ Ten” on his
“Tubular H-Board.”
quarters, petting a Siamese cat with his iron claw,
offered a reply.
“Hoverboards. If it’s good enough for
Marty McFly, it’s good enough for Baylor.”
But the main problem with issuing 15,000
studentshoverboardsisthe
cost, and the fact that Mattel
never manufactured
them in the first place. According
to Mattel, the cost
of manufacturing a hoverboard
would cost around
$30,000, roughly $5,000
more than a year’s tuition
at the Baylor Barber Kollege
of Knowledge.
President Lilley called an
emergency meeting of the
Regents to address the issue.
“Look fellas, we have a
serious problem on this
campus,” Lilley said.
“Either we spend a few
hundred bucks to have all
the banana peels removed
from 5th street, or we spend $450,000,000 on
hoverboards. What’s it gonna be?”
Regent Jim “Pepsi” Turner said, “I think
I’ve got a five hundred thousand dollar bill in my
wallet. Just keep the change.”
So a high-volume discounted order of
hoverboards are heading down Interstate 35 towards
Waco as we speak and freshman “Rude”
John Jude is practicing his hop-ons with an old
skateboard he found in a dumpster. Unfortunately,
while practicing, he was arrested by Baylor
DPS for riding a longboard-type mode of transportation.
The only problem with the mass order of
hoverboards seems to be that Mattel believes it
will take 50 years to complete the order, mainly
due to the fact that the technology doesn’t exist
yet.
Dim Joak said that he is sorry to inform
students that unfortunately they will have to
learn to walk on air until the hoverboards arrive
for the class of 2060.
“It’s really a Christ-like quality, and we
should all strive to be more like our Lord and
Savior,” Joak said.
Physics department spokesman Dr. Scott
“I’d like butter on my” Yost offered a response.
“It’s impossible for humans to walk on air. I’m
surrounded by morons. I quit.”
Upon hearing Yost’s response, Joak
countered, “Nothing is impossible with God.”
Holy Law #747s would be
easier to sleep on if they
were more like Chapel.
Scruffy Murphy’s
“If I told you that you had a nice body, would you
hold it against me?”
Come to Scruff’s, where your terrible pickup lines will work.
Between 12th and 13th on Speight