Seven and James Barely Baptist Church - The Noble NoZe ...

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NoZe Brotherhood weekly forecast 5 Before you make plans, check out the forecast! Wednesday Scattered sunshine with a 37% chance of Mongolian invasion. Thursday Heavy showers and total annihilation of the human race by unforeseen causes. Friday 7% chance of second coming, 93% chance of miscalculated odds. Saturday Clear, ideal for kite flying and picnicking. Sunday Scattered pop-corn showers. Monday 37% of British invasion, establishing an imperialistic state. Similes are like diamonds from heaven By: Dr. Tom Hanks, above-average English professor Good day! Greetings students, fellow faculty and common riff-raff. Today, I’ll be treating you to a piece as timeless as the rivers that suckled our early civilizations. I’m addressing, specifically, the importance of similes in everyday use. Similes are as crucial to successful conversation as anti-Semitism is to the Palestinian cause. Their value is like Baylor’s immeasurable debt. Some claim erroneously that similes are like metaphors. Not so! Similes are far more striking, much like lightning during a hot summer’s night. Sometimes when a metaphor is utilized to make a comparison, it’s as useless as a three-legged dog at the racetrack. Similes are always effective, like the whiskey I occasionally put into my coffee to sooth my nerves. Similes also trounce metaphors in their street cred. Ever since the movie Clueless, everyone can, like, find a way to introduce a simile into conversation. Metaphors are like ice-cream sundaes, nice to think about but sticky in reality. Not only that, but a conversation without similes is as lifeless as immigration reform. In fact, similes are as important to democracy and free-thinking as football is to Baylor. A people without it are like a sunny day without warmth. Conversations are left as cold as Larry Chonko’s heart when grading business projects. So, I encourage you all to learn the importance of similes, just like the drunken frat boy to your left learned the legal system, by experience. Enjoy similes like I enjoy my job: every day!
This Article Read During National Security Briefing After the release of this issue of The Rope which you are currently reading, the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!), and any student who read this publication, were put on a super secret FBI watch list today. Sources close to the federal security agency said there are now plans to spy on the secret society and anybody with even the slightest association with them. After the terrorist attacks of 9/11, and the passing of the Patriot Act, the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the CIA, FBI and other federal enforcement agencies, have begun random searches on publications and email transmissions. Their idea is to look for any given number of words, called spook words, which would signal suspicious behavior, thus allowing security agencies to identify potential threats before they become a problem. Examples of spook words include: terrorism, military and White House. “Wow, I really can’t believe what is going on here anymore. This article started off as a simple restaurant review and now they are all over us like a Kappa Delta at Golden Corral,” said Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut. “All I said was that the restaurant’s Middle Eastern food was ‘the best I had ever tasted.’ That it was a ‘jihad of flavor, and [the food] issued a fatwa calling the assassination of the president of hunger living in my belly.’ Maybe it was a little offensive to Arab people, but it was all in good fun. Personally, I thought it was very clever, and I never expected all this hubbub.” Now under the watchful eye of the United States Government, the NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!), and hopefully everyone reading this piece, have been careful to not act out in any kind of explosive behavior. “Man, those guys are total fascists! … Or is it communists? I can never decide what overly angst ridden term to use,” declared Bro. Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo. NoZe, Rope Readers Placed on FBI Watch List Cunning Linguist Bro. TheNoZeous Monk was also very outspoken on the subject. “I don’t think people understand how bad this has gotten. We can’t even use words like “lacrosse,” “artichoke” or “badger,” because they are all spook words. No joke. Maybe we bring it on ourselves, I mean the fact that we wear disguises can be misconstrued as undercover activities, but we are just trying to remain anonymous in case of administration backlash. It’s not so much to evade being spied on. But now, because of all Enforcement officer Bilko Johnson teaching Rope reader Elian Gonzalez a lesson. the Arab references Bro. VonNoZegut made in the third paragraph of this piece, it has become quite handy. This whole mess is a hot button issue, and we don’t want any problems with the government.” The NoZe have also made it clear that they wish to apologize to anyone that reads this piece on their website, because they too will now be watched. They say that there is no point in using firewalls, passwords or other forms of internet security, because these people are expert hackers and are capable of circumventing all forms of encryption. They will be able to secure information on all the sites you have been to, including porno sites in which you watch people having sex. “In the end, I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. No one will get in any trouble over it. It’s not like we are the Illuminati or anything,” Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut said. “Plus, I think everyone is making a big stink over nothing. Most people don’t even know it’s happening. And, if you aren’t doing anything wrong, then you don’t have anything to worry about—HEY! My arm doesn’t bend that way!” (Linguist Note: After giving his thoughts on the subject, Bro. VonNoZegut was picked up in a stylish black van by a group of gentlemen wearing black ski masks. Perhaps he was late for a flight on an airplane to Aspen or Breckenridge. I hope they made it to the airport on time.) All involved in this spook word fiasco have expressed their desire to see the problem resolved quickly. In other news, The Rope will no longer be published due to the appearance of black helicopters over the NoZe Brothers’ Elm Mott Mansion. That guy with the gun looks a little too happy to be busting up NoZe fans. 4
Page 2 and 3: thenozecongress Front Cover Brother
Page 4 and 5: Texas nymphomaniacs excited about g
Page 6 and 7: By Bro. Fats DomiNoZe I’m not goi
Page 8 and 9: Baylor Democrats to host Anti-Pro-W
Page 10 and 11: DPS to ticket pedestrians on campus
Page 12 and 13: The NoZe presents: Fine Living Bro.
Page 14 and 15: Official Fall 2006 Fraternity Party
Page 18 and 19: Dear Lorde Mayor 3 Lorde Mayor Bro.

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