Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha • • • •Injest27• There was this small churchdown in Florida that had a verybig-busted organist. Her breastswere so huge that they bouncedand jiggled while she played theorgan.Unfortunately she distracted thecongregation considerably andthe very proper church ladieswere absolutely appalled. Theycomplained that something had tobe done about this or they wouldneed to get another organist.One of the ladies approachedthe organist very discreetly andtold her to mash up some greenpersimmons and rub them on hernipples and they may shrink insize, but she warned her to noteat any of the green persimmonsbecause their sourness will makeyour mouth pucker up and youwon’t be able to talk properly forquite a while.’The following Sunday morning theminister got up in the pulpit andsaid, “Dew to thircumsthanthisbewond my contwol... we will nothath a thermon tewday.”• While creating Husbands Godpromised women that good andideal Husbands would be found inall corners of the world.And then he made the earth round.••• There I was sitting at the barstaring at my drink when a large,trouble-making biker comes upnext to me, grabs my drink andgulps it down in one swig.“Whatcha’ gonna do about it?” hesays menacingly.I burst into tears and he nearly felloff his stool.“Come on, man,” the biker says,“I didn’t think you’d cry… I can’tstand to see a man cry.”“This is the worst day of my life,”I say. “I’m a complete failure. Iwas late to a meeting and myboss fired me. When I went tothe parking lot I found my car hadbeen stolen and I don’t have anyinsurance. I left my wallet in thecab I took home. I found my wifewith another man and then mydog bit me. So I came to this barto end to it all. I bought a drink,dropped a capsule in and sat herewatching the poison dissolve…then you show up and drink thewhole thing!”“But enough about me, how’s yourday going?”• Last year I thought someone hadstolen my boobs. I was lying in bedand they were gone! But when Ijumped out of bed I was relieved tosee that they had just been hidingunder my armpits as I slept.• A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he’ssending a friend over to look at a horse.His mate asks, ‘How will I recognise him?’‘That’s easy, he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’The dwarf shows up and the breeder asks him if he’slooking for a male or female horse.‘A female horth.’So he shows him a prized filly.‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse’s ears.‘Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?’The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point but he picks him up againand shows him the horse’s mouth.‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat?’Totally mad by this point the breeder grabs the man under his arms and rams hishead up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.He gets up, sputtering and coughing.‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’injoy• A burglar broke into a houseone night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables whena voice in the dark said,‘Jesus knows you’re here.’He nearly jumped out of his skin,clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more,after a bit, he shook his head andcontinued.Just as he pulled the stereo outso he could disconnect the wires,clear as a bell he heard,‘Jesus iswatching you.’Freaked out he shone his lightaround frantically, looking for thesource of the voice.Finally, in the corner of the room hisflashlight beam came to rest on aparrot.‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at theparrot.‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, thensquawked, ‘I’m just trying to warnyou that he is watching you.’The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me,huh? Who in the world are you?’‘Moses,’ replied the bird.‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘Whatkind of people would name a birdMoses?’‘The kind of people that would namea Rottweiler Jesus.’• An 85-year-old man wasrequested by his doctor for a spermcount as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar andsaid, ‘Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.’The next day the 85-year-old manreappeared at the doctor’s officeand gave him the jar, which was asclean and empty as on the previousday.The doctor asked what happenedand the man explained, ‘Well, doc,it’s like this -- first I tried with myright hand, but nothing. Then I triedwith my left hand, but still nothing.‘Then I asked my wife for help. Shetried with her right hand, then withher left, still nothing.She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out,still nothing.‘We even called up Arleen, the ladynext door and she tried too, firstwith both hands, then an armpit,and she even tried squeezin’it between her knees, but stillnothing.’The doctor was shocked!‘Yep, none of us got the jar open.
InscribeExcerpt from“Whole Don’t Mean Wholesome – Lost & Found: Our Links with Traditional Foods, Methods & Medicines”by Clive Lawler“Eliminating countless foods from our diets is not a cure! It’s a bore. It is a confusing folly ofcomplexity and difficulty, fuelling the victim mode, which ultimately supplies no answers, encouragingonly suspicion, and then denial, of access to nature’s broad bounty. We can eat virtually every foodwith gusto!When we do them right. That’s my job here.Allergenic reactions come, clearly, as a body-wise rebuttal to the improper, new-fangled, high-speed,convenient, toxin-retaining, modern approach to food, which fails to both recognize and hence dealwith biological intruders, nor understands traditional food methods that enhance pre-digestion.Gluten and lactose intolerances are brand new, post-1950’s diseases, raging unbridled since theignorant, economy-driven quickening of wheat and other grain food processes, along with thepasteurization, the bastardisation, of milk and many other basic foods.The raw materials of all grown foods, preferably organic of course, are no problem.The core of this story is about how this modern diverse allergenic anomaly has come about, and howto very simply deal with it - in our kitchens.That’s my job here.Given just a tad more t-i-m-e, add careful sloooow tending, as we reinvent traditional culinarypractices that stimulate the innate enzyme activity in all foods, adolescent glutens and other splendidcomplex nutrients transform, breaking down to become easily digestible, alkalising, allergen-freeand maximally nutritious, whilst unwanted, toxic, naturally-occurring anti-nutrients are substantially,satisfactorily neutralized.When food preparation is rushed, as is the case with 99% of all modern food since the 1950’s, andin particular with breads and protein-rich dried bean/pulse/nut/seed foods, those same unconvertednutrients, uncut anti-nutrients, plus the resultant acidity dog and ail the human body, and, for hugeswathes of people, seriously.Access to live enzymes that facilitate pre-digestion and alkalinity, is essential for body harmony. Butthis has become unconventional, inconvenient, in a pasteurized, germ-paranoid world where bacteriaand their compadres, the family of enzymes, are treated as outlaws, as the enemy – thereby sprayed,heated, chlorinated or nuked to death.Since the 1950’s, we have lost the thread connecting us to an ancient culinary tradition that is essentialin disabling the toxic anti-nutrients in food, and in rendering proteins, carbohydrates, malts, etc. notonly harmless, but also, as intended – marvelous, friendly, wholesome allies.The missing traditional kitchen processes focus upon simple yet profoundly beneficial activation andfermentation procedures; the missing ancient tempo is sloooow; and its lost habitat - the timeless,accommodating, nurturing kitchen.”for your literary pleasure • • • •RARE INFORMATION in books you won’t find in a normal bookshop, but in ane-bookstore, absolutely!1) “Whole Don’t Mean Wholesome - Lost & Found:Our Links with Traditional Foods, Methods & Medicines”2) “All’s Fair in Life on Earth”both published thru Amazon Kindle e-books at: www.amazon.com/kindleSimply type in the book title at top of Kindle’s opening page and download FREEe-book READER there...also printed copies may be ordered individually by contacting the author.C l i v e L a w l e r f r o m M u l l u m b i m b y N S W A u s t r a l i a 0 4 2 1 3 3 4 9 2 8klobandco@gmail.cominjoy 28