inTervieW - Green Cross Publishing

40
opinion
O’Sean’S eleven
We’ve all seen the George
Clooney movie Ocean’s Eleven,
in which he plays the part
of Danny Ocean, a very cool
and sophisticated crook who
assembles a gang of ten fellow
criminals to carry out a complex multi-million dollar
raid on three casinos. His celluloid achievements pale
in comparison to the real life raid carried out in Ireland
during the last decade. The title character, Dinny
O’Sean, is unlikely to be as handsome as George
Clooney – let’s face facts, the Americans can find
prettier people for any role. They have Obama, we
have Cowen. They had Monica lewinsky, we had Terry
Keane. Enough said.
The movie opens in the year 2000, in the small
hours of the morning in the snug of an otherwise
empty Dublin bar. O’Sean has brought together a
renegade band of crooks, swindlers and chancers
to unveil his master plan. They are the lowest of the
outsIde edGe
issue 10 volume 12 • novemBeR 2010
low – nigerian customs officials in lagos airport have
the mugshots of these guys pasted on the wall of the
arrivals hall so that they can be stopped from entering
the country and corrupting it. They are however,
pillars of the establishment in Ireland.
O’Sean calls a hush, and the gang listen wide-eyed
as he begins to speak. ‘Right, lads, we are going to fINtAN Moore
carry out the biggest heist in world history – we are
going to rob 35 billion euro from the Irish people.’ After a sharp intake of breath followed by a gabble
of excited voices, one crook pipes up – ‘But the
country doesn’t have 35 billion euro.’
O’Sean smiles benevolently upon him, and says ‘I
know. And here’s the gas bit – we steal the money
before they even have it, then they have to try and
replace what we stole. And the really funny thing is that
even when they find out, we’ll never see a day in jail.
‘Here’s the plan. Paddy One – you set up a bank
and you lend money to every gombeen in sight
to buy land to develop. Ability to repay doesn’t
matter. Paddy Two – you’re going to be one of those
gombeens (laughter); you buy any land, anywhere, at
any price as long as you can build on it. Paddy Three
– you’re going to be a builder – you build houses,
apartments, offices, shops and you’re to import tens
of thousands of foreign workers to live in them as they
build them. That’ll inflate the value. Paddy Four – you
infiltrate the Department of Finance, and instil the
mantra ‘light Touch Regulation’ into the thick skull of
every fecker you meet. Paddy Five – you do the same
in the Financial Regulator’s office. Paddy Six – you
become an economist (more laughter), no not an
ecologist, you gobshite, an economist, it’s okay – you
don’t have to know anything, just keep repeating
the phrase ‘continued growth’ until 2008, then ‘soft
landing’ until we get the loot out of the country.
Paddy Seven – you’ve got to spread the love – dirty
job, but you gotta schmooze up the politicians, show
them a good time and throw them lots of money.
Make sure they know that it’s the Capital Gains Tax
that’s keeping the show on the road. Paddy Eight – we
need you to work on the trade unions – make sure
the workers get payrises paid for by the Capital Gains
Tax, then their extra money will inflate the price of
property which makes more Tax for more payrises –
sure it’ll end in tears, just not ours. Paddy nine – you
become an estate agent, and advertise everywhere,
big expensive glossy photos – all very pretty, stops
anyone asking too many questions in case they lose
their piece of the action. Paddy Ten – you become a
property fund manager. It doesn’t matter what idiot
scheme you put the investors’ money into as long as
it’s made of brick, and make sure they pay too much
for it – and don’t forget your commission.
‘Remember, lads – we sell the bullshit to everyone,
but don’t believe it yourselves – we keep sucking the
money out and away to where they’ll never find it,
and then we get out ourselves.’
Then the old, the sick and the handicapped get to
pay for the party.
HObbS CHOiCe
It was kind of funny to see Eddie Hobbs back on
television with his ‘hard-hitting’ consumer show
about the ‘extra markup’ we charge to private patients
compared to what we charge the HSE. The last I
saw of him was back in 2006 when he was pushing
property on Cape Verde. Anybody who took that
advice doesn’t read Eddie’s column in the Star – they
wear it as a blanket as they sleep in a doorway. Given
that jewellers have a 300 per cent markup, coffee
shops 100 per cent, groceries 50 to 100 per cent and
shoe shops 100 per cent then anybody thinking that
50 per cent is high is deluded. It shows that the 20 per
cent rate for the HSE is exceptionally low. I don’t like
to engage in ‘whataboutery’ in any discussion, but
given that newsagents have a markup of over 70 per
cent, what should a fair price be for the RTE guide?
Somehow, I doubt if Eddie’s going to tell us.