February 2008 - The Parklander Magazine

RELATIONSHIP TIPSHandling Sibling RivalryBy Dr. Robin G. RabinowitzWhat causes sibling rivalry? By “sibling rivalry” I mean the antagonism orhostility between brothers and sisters that manifests itself in commonfamily fights to much more serious cases like the permanent enmitybetween adult siblings. Siblings don’t choose their family or each other.They have to share the one or two people they most want for themselves:their parents. Some factors include: position in the family, their gender,and their age.The most important factor, however, is parental attitude. Parents havebeen taught that they have to be impartial and this can be difficultand unrealistic. It is simply not possible to treat children equally at alltimes. If a mother feels that when she hugs one child, she must stop andhug all of her children, hugs will soon become somewhat meaningless inthat family.Ever since we decided that sibling rivalry is normal, we’ve had a terrible timefiguring out what to do about it. However, here are some do’s and don’ts thatmay be helpful in lessening sibling rivalry and the stress it produces:• When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences.Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especiallyin a contest of unequal sides in terms of strength (no fair hitting belowthe belt, literally or figuratively). Some life-long grudges amongst siblingshave resulted when their minority rights weren’t protected.• Try not to make comparisons. Each child feels he is unique (and rightlyso) and resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else.Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his owngoals and levels of expectations that relate only to him.• Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First teach childrenthat feelings and actions are not synonymous. The guilt that followsdoing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feelingmean. So parental intervention must be quick and decisive.• Don’t dismiss or suppress your children’s resentment or angry feelings.Contrary to what some people think, anger is not something that weshould avoid at all costs. It’s part of being human, and it’s normal forsiblings to get furious with each other. They need adults to assure themthat parents get angry too, but have learned to control their actions.These feelings do not give us the right to behave in cruel or dangerousways. This is the time to acknowledge the anger and talk it through.106 FEBRUARY 2008Common mistakes parents make inmanaging sibling rivalry:• Taking sides, such as punishing the child who is at fault(usually the one seen pounding on the other child).• Ignoring appropriate behavior. Parents often ignoretheir children when they are playing nicely. They onlypay attention when a problem arises. A good rule ofthumb is that behaviors that are unrewarded decreasewhile rewarded behaviors increase.Some Parenting Techniques that Work:When the rivalry progresses to physical or verbal violence,OR when the number of incidents seem excessive, takeaction. Talk with the children. Provide suggestions on howthey can handle the situation when it occurs, such as:• Ignoring the teasing.• Kidding back in a way that is humorous.• Telling the teaser that enough is enough.• Simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser says is true.When these measures aren’t working, THEN ask the person in charge(parent or sitter) to intervene.When the above doesn’t work, introduce afamily plan to help with the situation thatprovides negative and positive consequencesfor all concerned, such as:• When there is any fighting or shouting, all involved will have a consequence.• When we can go the whole day or afternoon or evening (whichever makessense) without arguing, then everyone will earn a privilege such as (1) youcan have a snack, (2) I will read you a story, (3) we will all play a gametogether, (4) I will play outside with you, or (5) you can stay up later (notethat some of these provide parental attention for appropriate behavior).Develop a system for evenly distributingcoveted privileges. In other words, asystem for taking turns for such things as:• Who gets to ride “shot gun” in the car (it’s amazing how manysiblings will make this an important issue).• Who gets to push the button in an elevator.• Who gets to choose where to go to eat lunch or dinner.• Who gets to choose the TV show.• Who does the dishes or takes out the trash (rotate on weekly ormonthly basis).Siblings can certainly create stressors in a family, but if they are overcomesuccessfully, they will give your children resources that will serve them welllater in life. Siblings can learn how to share, how to come face to face withjealousy, and how to accept their individual strengths and weaknesses.Best of all, as they watch you handle sibling rivalry with equanimity andfairness, they will be gaining knowledge that will be valuable when they,too, become parents.Dr. Robin G. Rabinowitz, Ed.D. is a Certified Counselor, Therapist andSupreme Court Certified Family Mediator with a practice in Coral Springs.