January 2011 - Blackherbals.com

Continued from page 35 – SA: It does not pay to be anAbuserare abused and those who are abusive.Abuse manifests itself in different ways from beatingyour young children for no reason to ill-treatment ofyour partner. I am a reformed perpetrator of genderbasedviolence and other forms of violence and cannow tell you from experience that as an abuser onedoes not realise that they are doing wrong and maythink that they are doing the right thing by punishingsomeone, including verbally or physically.I remember when I used to date someone a long timeago, our relationship began on a happy note but alongthe way things changed. I loved her but I used to fightwith her all the time. I used to beat and insult herincluding her parents, family and friends. As a resultshe left me and now does not allow me to see the babywe had together. She does not trust me anymore andfeels that I am not man enough.It is really sad because this child will grow up without afather. I am afraid that this is going to affect the child inthe long run. Every child needs to grow up with theirbiological parents or someone who loves themunconditionally. The mother gets emotional whenasked about the father of the child because she is stilltraumatised mentally and emotionally by what I did toher.I used to beat her up while our child watched. Now thatI reflect on it I regret it because many times childrenwho witness violence repeat it when they grow up.They adopt the thinking that the only way to solveissues is to beat or insult one another. Youunknowingly create a monster.I have experienced this through my nephew. As hegrew up he was told that the man who was staying withhis mother was not his father. His father had died someyears prior, before his mother met his stepdad. This wassaid, not knowing that it could affect the young boy'slife. He eventually spent his youth life in prisonbecause he began disrespecting his stepdad and stealingfrom him. This problem even manifested itself atschool and he was expelled.After he was expelled from school, he ganged up withother young boys who were not going to school. Theystarted to rob school kids, despite knowledge of the lawand the consequences arising from breaking it. Todayas I write this, he is in prison.Unfortunately, my nephew was also physically abusedby an elderly person who lived in their community. Iam trying to encourage all adults with child responsibilitiesnot to abuse children in any way, because that willkill the future of our country and destroy the moral fabricof our societies.It is as bad when you abuse a woman. I once fell in lovewith another lady who was working as a domesticworker. I worked next to where she stayed.However, this did not last, though I loved her so much.We enjoyed each other's company, until I becameabusive. I was so jealous that I did not want to see herwith any other man, except me. I would beat her up forthat and other petty things such as if she didn't pick upher phone. When she asked that we break up, I refusedand beat her up for suggesting it. It was getting out ofhand.I became abusive to her friends as well. I suppose herfriends wanted the best for her and raised their concernregarding the abuse. They knew that I was beating her up,so they decided to join forces and started insulting me.A huge fight resulted. I went after her friends, beatingthem up. To me I was doing this out of love, withoutrealising that I was abusing her and her freedom. I felt herfriends were the reason why we were fighting all thetime. I was lucky because they never took the matter tothe police.What I am trying to say is stop all abuse. It will end upaffecting you as a perpetrator in many ways. I am notproud of being an abuser and I regret all that I have doneMy message to all is that abusing a woman does notmake you a real man.Instead you are a man who cannot stand his groundwithout using force because you are insecure and alwaysfeel intimidated. I have changed for the better and hopethat my last girlfriend and her friends will forgive me. Iwas out of my mind, thinking the only way to make senseto be loved and viewed as a man by a woman was to beather. I see that it did not solve anything, but it createdenemies for me. Now I am hurt. I feel I am beingneglected and treated as a social outcast because of all thewrong things I have done to people and the hurt I havecaused.This "I" Story is part of a special series on the 16 Days ofActivism for the Gender Links Opinion and CommentaryService that offers fresh views on everyday news. Formore information on the 16 Days Campaign go towww.genderlinks.org.zahttp://allafrica.com/stories/201012071225.html☻☻☻☻☻☻-36- Traditional African Clinic January 2011