Clergy Spouse Handbook - Wisconsin Conference United Methodist ...

HANDBOOK 2010 submitted.docPage 8 of 51 Pagesattend every church service, change the oil in the family autos in the parsonage driveway, showproper respect to the UMW President, or offer to pray for meals at various occasions. What aboutthe male or female spouse who yearns to control or be part of some particular church activity?What about the situation where the spouse of either gender is hired as a full-time or part-timeemployee of the church? How do we respond?When the clergy spouse is not a church employee, there is no employment job description.Technically, “clergy spouse” is a marital status. Our socialization, our sense of identity, ourfeelings about ourselves and others will probably direct our behavior. If we are clear about ourexpectations, it will be easier to respond to the expectations of others. How do you respond tothese questions about obligation, fairness, respect for people, and the meaning of life.Do we feel obligated to do something or go somewhere? Do we understand the appointmentsystem? Will we join our spouse’s church and make vows “to uphold the church with prayers,presence, gifts, and service?” Do we have a need to please or a fear of rejection?What is fair? How do we support our spouse’s clergy career and how do we expect to besupported?Do we respect people? How can we learn about a new congregation’s traits and needs andexpectations? How do we recognize God working through us and directing our lives? How dowe wish our children to interact with the congregation?What is the meaning of life? How can the congregation help us grow? What uniqueness do wehave to offer the world? How can we all become what God knows we can be?If we work through our own attitudes, we will be more confident when relating to others.Wisconsin has many established communities. Have you heard this expression? “We havealways done it this way.” Communities with little movement and change are established. Theirsocial relationships are hybrid. They know exactly what to expect from each other. Usually theyhave found ways to function smoothly. They are proud of their families. They monitor eachother’s behavior. When a majority of residents have been born in the community and are relatedto a few families, they easily identify new residents.You are an outsider and there is nothing for it but to be patient. Time is the space in which trustcan grow. Hope that love and understanding will help you become a part of their history anduniqueness. “If you have respect for people as they are, you can be more effective in helpingthem to become better than they are.” (John W. Gardner)Public people are sometimes under attack. Being a clergy spouse is sometimes frustratingbecause we are indirectly involved in church business. It is not our job to interfere in ourspouse’s job, but we cannot escape awareness of business. We are probably involved in somechurch functions where we overhear conversations and we care about whatever influences ourspouse.