Swords Against Wizardry by Fritz Leiber ...

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amazing how barbarians are hypnotized by brass along with any odd bits of glass
colored like rubies and sapphires -- I think the three primary colors paralyze
their primitive brains."
"Clever, _clever_ Nemia," the Eyes of Ogo cooed with a tender caress. "My
little fellow almost caught on too when I made the switch, but then he got
interested in threatening me with his knife. Actually jabbed me between the
breasts. I think he has a dirty mind."
"Let me kiss the blood away, darling Eyes," Nemia suggested. "Oh, dreadful ...
dreadful."
While shivering under her treatment -- Nemia had a slightly bristly tongue -
- Eyes said, "For some reason he was quite nervous about Ogo." She made her
face blank, her pouty mouth hanging slightly open.
The richly draped wall opposite her made a scuttling sound and then croaked
in a dry, thick voice, "Open your box, Gray Mouser. Now close it. Girls, girls!
Cease your lascivious play!"
Nemia and Eyes clung to each other laughing. Eyes said in her natural voice,
if she had one, "And he went away still thinking there was a real Ogo. I'm quite
certain of that. My, they both must be in a froth by now."
Sitting back, Nemia said, "I suppose we'll have to take some special
precautions against their raiding us to get their jewels back."
Eyes shrugged. "I have my five Mingol swordsmen."
Nemia said. "And I have my three and a half Kleshite stranglers."
"Half?" Eyes asked.
"I was counting Ixy. No, but seriously."
Eyes frowned for half a heartbeat, then shook her head decisively. "I don't
think we need worry about Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser raiding us back. Because
we're girls, their pride will be hurt, and they'll sulk a while and then run away to
the ends of the earth on one of those adventures of theirs."
"Adventures!" said Nemia, as one who says, "Cesspools and privies!"
"You see, they're really weaklings," Eyes went on, warming to her topic. "They
have no drive whatever, no ambition, no true passion for money. For instance, if
they did -- and if they didn't spend so much time in dismal spots away from
Lankhmar -- they'd have known that the King of Ilthmar has developed a mania
for gems that are invisible by day, but glow by night, and has offered half his
kingdom for a sack of star-jewels. And then they'd never have had even to
consider such an idiotic thing as coming to us."
"What do you suppose he'll do with them? The King, I mean."
Eyes shrugged. "I don't know. Build a planetarium. Or eat them." She thought
a moment. "All things considered, it might be as well if we got away from here for
a few weeks. We deserve a vacation."
Nemia nodded, closing her eyes. "It should be absolutely the opposite sort of
place to the one in which the Mouser and Fafhrd will have their next -- ugh! -adventure."
Eyes nodded too and said dreamily, "Blue skies and rippling water, spotless
beach, a tepid wind, flowers and slim slavegirls everywhere..."
Nemia said, "I've always wished for a place that has no weather, only
perfection. Do you know which half of Ilthmar's kingdom has the least weather?"
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