YWCA Fresh Start start 3:Layout 1 - YWCA Canada

FRESH START actions of their victim. You, like many women, may feel guilty,ashamed and afraid of being blamed by others because yourrelationship is not working.You may even put yourself down because nothing you do seems tostop the abuse. If you feel this way, remember that the way yourpartner treats you is not your fault or your responsibility.It is your partner’s responsibility to heal himself, to learn to stop theabusive behaviour and to change his attitude.Do you tell yourself...• I have so much to be thankful for, I should be able to put up with this.• He’s upset; it is not his fault.• If only he did not drink, he would not lose control.• If he had a job, or a less stressful job, he would not abuse me.• If only the children were not a problem, he would not blame me.• He cannot help it; he has a fierce temper.• At least he is not as bad as his father.• In our family (country, culture, religion), this is the way it has alwaysbeen.Men use lots of reasons to justify their abuse to themselves and toothers. Your partner might claim that his religion or culture says hecan use abuse to keep you in your place. He might say that this is howhis father treated his mother. You or he may have come to Canadafrom a country where there is no legal response to violence againstwomen. He may not even consider that he is doing anything wrong.Your partner may feel he owns you because he married you. Somemen see a marriage licence as a licence to hit.You will need to be strong to overcome your partner’s attempts toblame you or to convince you he has the right to control you so youare able to do what you know is right for you.The information in this book can help you to find that strength.DOES ABUSE HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL?No, your partner’s behaviour not does have to include physicalassaults or cause physical injuries to be abusive.13