Final 3 I Hear Final Format, Basker, ToC, Index

I HEAR YOU’RE AFRAID OF DYING 

OR AFRAID SOMEONE YOU LOVE 

WILL DIE BEFORE YOU 

By Rev. George L. McLaird 

Copyright © 2015, Rev. George L. McLaird 

All rights reserved

DEDICATION 

To my wonderful wife, 

Linda Carol (Johnson) McLaird 

To my son, Sean and his wife, Sugin 

To my parents George and Florence 

iii

iii Dedication 

iv Table of Contents 

vii Acknowledgements 

11 Opening comments 

TABLE OF CONTENTS 

17 BOOK ONE – Personal assessment 

17 My level of anxiety when thinking about my 

own death 

17 High Anxiety 

18 Moderate Anxiety 

19 Low Anxiety 

20 When I think about someone I love dying 

before I do 

21 What actions would you take? 

23 A checklist of things I’ve completed 

27 BOOK TWO – Background 

27 Mortality Manifesto Pledge 

29 Early childhood encounters with death 

32 The deaths of my mother and sister 

35 What deaths have you experienced? 

37 BOOK THREE – Preparing for death and dying 

37 Acknowledging every significant loss in your lifetime 

40 Memorial services for all losses, not just for the physical 

deaths of humans 

41 A simple celebration of life ceremony 

41 Acknowledging a wonderful tree, Sausalito 

Presbyterian Church and Sausalito Woman’s Club 

45 Marital Divorce and the Ending of any Loving 

Relationship Are Forms of Death 

50 I have not held a service, celebration of life, memorial 

or funeral that completely satisfied me for . . . 

54 Therapeutic writing, drawing, doodling and more 

54 Write about your own death 

iv

57 I hear you can talk with the dead 

59 Poems about death and dying (are you kidding?) 

61 I Don’t Remember How Old I Was 

63 ‘Tis Alright With Me 

64 I hear you’re afraid someone you love will die before 

you die 

65 I hear you’re afraid the following people might die 

before you die 

68 I hear you’re thinking about ending your life 

legally or illegally or thinking about helping 

someone you love end his or her life 

74 I hear you've been asked to speak at your friend’s 

memorial service or celebration of life 

74 Guidelines for speakers at memorial services 

76 Sample tribute 

79 BOOK FOUR – How I want to be remembered 

80 Write your own obituary twice 

80 A Simple Guide When Writing Your Own Obituary 

80 When You Write My Obituary 

82 Listing words you want and don’t want in your 

obituary 

82 Words I don’t want in my obituary 

82 Words I want in my obituary 

83 Keep it simple: what are 6 words that describe you? 

84 Your first obituary 

84 Your second obituary 

85 Where to publish your obituary 

87 I hear you don’t want a funeral or memorial service 

87 Alternatives other than services held in a religious 

setting 

94 I hear you’re planning your own memorial service 

(this needn’t be your grandmother’s funeral these days!) 

102 Write notes, cards or letters of gratitude to be delivered 

after your death 

105 Prepare a statement to be read or a slideshow or video 

to be shown during your memorial service 

v

108 My memorial service (celebration of my life) wishes 

112 I hear you’re taking care of unfinished business 

115 Unfinished Business 

116 Getting your ‘papers’ in order 

117 When to talk with children about death and when 

should they attend their first celebration of life, memorial 

service or funeral 

119 Should children attend funerals? 

121 Conclusion 

123 BOOK FIVE – More possibilities 

127 Grieving 

133 APPENDIX A – Believing . . . or not 

135 APPENDIX B – Poems about death and dying, 

by George McLaird 

135 I'm About to Go 

136 I Died 

137 Steppin’ Through Death’s Open Door 

139 Someday 

141 Another Eagle Lands 

142 If Something Should Happen To Me 

143 Out of Here 

144 Home 

147 APPENDIX C – Lights, Camera, Mortician! The Rise 

of the ‘Fun Funerals’ 

151 BEFORE YOU GO 

157 INDEX 

Note: weblinks included here may change over time 

vi

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 

All who have planned their own memorial service at 

Sausalito Presbyterian Church (SPC) since 1975 

All who have written endorsements 

Alexander Wendeheart taught a Death and Dying 

Seminar with Rev. Paul Mowry and myself 

at the Sausalito Presbyterian Church, 

which was helpful in putting this book together 

Amy Tan, excerpt from The Opposite of Fate, Penguin 

A.J. Petty, Unconventional Artist, for the scribe graphic, 

ajtheartist.blogspot.com 

Brenda McKown suggested a number of articles 

Carol Cunningham, deceased member of SPC, shared 

specific instructions for creating your own 

memorial service 

Hannah Romanowsky, professional dancer, contributed 

an article about dancing at memorial services and other 

significant occasions 

Lisa Monhoff, editing 

Rev. Doug Huneke, 

Honorably Retired Presbyterian Pastor 

Rev. Kent Webber, 

Pastor, Presbyterian Church of Novato, CA 

Rev. Paul Mowry, Pastor, Sausalito Presbyterian Church 

vii

Robin Sinclair, editing, formatting, 

mutual creative inspiration 

Sharon Strauss encouraged inclusion of a chapter on 

talking about death with children 

Shelly Schadowsky, cover design 

Cover art purchased from www.123rf.com 

Steve Jacobs, artist and long time friend, 

without whose help this book would 

never have seen the light of day 

Viktor Grant www.earthgrid.com, marketing, 

technical help and building my www.mclaird.com site 

Viki Winterton, marketing 

Poems not otherwise attributed, 

Copyright © 2015, Rev. George L. McLaird 

viii

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp 

because the Dawn has come. 

Rabindranath Tagore 

Death is not in my sights now 

Nor ’round the corner 

But nearer than it once was 

© Richard Chamberlain 2009, used with permission 

ix

x

REV. GEORGE MCLAIRD 

OPENING COMMENTS 

Several years ago I had a heart attack. I had two coronary 

artery stents inserted. A couple of months later, 

along with a dozen others, I attended an after-care program 

called Total Arteriolosclerosis Management. 

(TAM). 1 

Dr. Mark Wexman, the founder of the program, 

said, “Now that you have your plumbing fixed, you 

probably think you’re home free. But if you live in the 

future as you have in the past, you will have another 

heart attack and it will probably kill you.” 

1 www.maringeneral.org/about-us/news/press-releases/totalarteriosclerosis-management-tam-program-relaunched-by-maringeneral-hospital 

11


OR AFRAID SOMEONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE BEFORE YOU 

I remember thinking to myself, “I’m in the right place 

because he’s putting all of the cards on the table face 

up.” 

That program saved my life because, as a workaholic, 

I had said to Linda, my wife, “When these drugs wear 

off, I’m going to be back to normal.” Which was to continue 

abusing my body, mind, and spirit with constant 

driving to achieve more, more, more. 

I begin this book by putting all of the cards about 

death and dying on the table face up. 

r someday I will die. 

r someday you will die. 

r there are about 7.5 billion humans living on earth 

today. Not a single one of us has a guarantee of even one 

more tomorrow. 

r if you have something extremely important to do 

or a place to go, you should do it ASAP because your life 

could end abruptly. 

r approximately 100,000 humans die each day. 

Here is a site with amazing statistics about worldwide 

population, births, deaths and much more. 

World Odometers Info, www.worldometers.info 

12


I wrote this book for you if: 

r you want to prepare for your own death but don’t 

know where to begin 

r you have yet to face your own death or the death 

of a loved one in an organized and thorough manner 

r you are curious about what more you can add to 

your existing preparations. 

I also wrote this with you in mind if you self-identify 

as atheist, agnostic, skeptic, disinterested or Spiritual But 

Not Religious (SBNR). You will find value in these suggestions 

while facing the death of your body, and a variety 

of other deaths as well. 

Being an ordained Presbyterian Pastor it might seem 

odd that I’ve not written this book primarily for people 

involved in faith-based communities. There is already a 

great deal of material, rituals and traditions available in 

religious communities. However, even if you are involved 

in a faith-based community you may find these 

suggestions will enhance the death and dying teachings 

and rituals of your Tradition. 

Every religion has its own view of death and dying. 

Many people find comfort in following their particular 

path as they move toward the death of their physical 

body, and a sense of completion when they perform traditional 

rituals. But ‘making a friend’ of this process early 

13



can improve your quality of life as well as reduce pain 

and anxiety during the inevitable life transitions we all 

face. 

I encourage you to begin a conversation with yourself 

about how you really feel and think about your own 

physical death. 

Yes r No r Are you afraid of dying? 

Yes r No r Are you afraid someone you love will 

die? 

Yes r No r Are your children afraid you will die? 

Yes r No r Is someone close to you afraid you will 

die? 

If you have even the slightest fear of dying or you’re 

afraid someone you love will die, welcome to the club. At 

some point I suppose every person has experienced this 

type of fear. Some people report they have absolutely no 

fear of dying, while for others, the very thought sends 

them into a panic attack. 

For a very long time I was afraid of my own death 

and the possibility of eternal annihilation but no more. 

In Appendix A I’ve indicated some steps in the morphing 

process in my thinking and feelings regarding the 

afterlife and my own mortality. 

14


This is a workbook filled with suggestions. Every idea 

presented here comes in the form of a suggestion for 

your consideration. These are not assignments, which 

must be completed and turned in for grading or approval. 

It’s your life and your death and you deserve to be in 

the driver’s seat when it comes to both. 

You might choose to do only one or two of these suggestions. 

You may follow through by doing nearly everything. 

How many of these suggestions you work on is up 

to you and no one else. 

George McLaird 

Mill Valley, CA 

2015 

15



16


BOOK 1 

PERSONAL ASSESSMENT 

MY LEVEL OF ANXIETY WHEN 

THINKING ABOUT MY OWN DEATH 

Note: A lively animated version of the following charts is available 

at www.mclaird.com/i-hear-you-re-afraid-of-dying_1.html 

HIGH ANXIETY 

17



Write what is true for you 

_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

MODERATE ANXIETY 


_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

18


LOW ANXIETY 


_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

19



WHEN I THINK ABOUT SOMEONE I LOVE 

DYING BEFORE I DO 


_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

20


WHAT ACTIONS WOULD YOU TAKE? 

This exercise is intended to provide a creative and, 

hopefully, an enjoyable way of facing your eventual 

death. If you find this exercise difficult, please read Stephen 

Levine’s, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It 

Were Your Last, Bell Tower, NY, NY 

What actions would you take if you knew you 

had one year to live? 

_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

. . . if you knew you had six months to live? 

_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

. . . if you knew you had one month to live? 

_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

21



. . . if you knew you had one week to live? 

_________________________________ 

_________________________________ 

22


A CHECKLIST OF THINGS I’VE COMPLETED 

I’m placing this list early in this book so, as you read, 

you can come back to this page and note what you have 

decided to do. 

I doubt if anyone will complete all of these suggestions. 

Just reading this book may be all you’re willing or 

able to do. If you choose not to make any preparations 

regarding your death, please tell those who will be in 

charge of any sort of service, ceremony or gathering that 

they can do whatever they please about it. 

23



I have . . . 

r answered the question why do I believe in the afterlife 

r answered the question why I don’t believe in the afterlife 

r faced the fear that I am afraid someone I love will die 

before me 

r thought about taking steps to end my life legally or 

illegally 

r prepared a statement, collage, or slideshow for my 

memorial 

r written about my own death 

r written letters of gratitude to be delivered after your 

death 

r answered the question why am I afraid of dying? 

r answered the question why am I no longer afraid of 

dying? 

r identified and acknowledged every significant loss I’ve 

ever experienced. 

r planned my own memorial service 

r signed the mortality manifesto pledge 

r taken care of all of my unfinished business 

r written mini-tributes 

r written my obituary twice 

r written my thoughts about death and dying 

r created a plan to keep this information updated on a 

regular basis 

r reviewed my plans with my loved ones, even if it was 

difficult for them to hear about them 

r completed the 5 wishes 

r spoken with my religious leader about this book and 

24


my process 

r given a copy of my memorial service wishes to your 

religious leader or to the person you have chosen to lead 

your Memorial, Celebration of Life, or Funeral 

* * * 

25



26


BOOK 2 

BACKGROUND 

MORTALITY MANIFESTO PLEDGE 

Of course I do not know your process for becoming 

comfortable with the death of your physical body, but a 

great place to begin is with Patrick Mathieu’s Mortality 

Manifesto Pledge at www.mortalitymanifesto.com, provided 

here with permission from Patrick Mathieu. 

I signed this manifesto several years ago. I wish I had 

found it many years ago when I was struggling with this 

issue. 

27



28


EARLY CHILDHOOD ENCOUNTERS 

WITH DEATH 

My father died when I was 5. He was 39. That was my 

first experience with death. He died from a heart attack 

while riding a streetcar in downtown LA. If I were to list 

the 3 or 4 most life-changing events of my life, his death 

and its aftermath would be at or near the top. 

The McLaird Family, 1944 – Left to Right: my father George, my sister Gloria, 

myself, my mother Florence. My father died a few weeks after this photo was taken 

A couple of years later, my grandfather died. He had 

been bed-ridden a couple of years after suffering a 

stroke. He was paralyzed, had to be fed and could not 

talk. His death was not traumatic for me then or since. 

29



A few months later, my dog Rover was killed while 

chasing a truck. That was one of the most traumatic 

deaths I’ve ever experienced. 

In 1968 I was ordained as a Presbyterian Pastor. 

Since then I’ve conducted hundreds of funerals and 

memorial services. I’ve also been in the room with doctors, 

nurses and hospital officials as they met with families 

who were contemplating ‘pulling the plug.’ 

Being a part of those decisions is as close as I’ve come 

to feeling like I was participating in a planned murder. 

I’ve always fully agreed with the decisions to let their 

loved one go but each case was gut wrenching. We euthanize 

pets out of mercy and yet, because of the two 

edged sword of modern medicine and our judicial system, 

we keep humans alive who wish they could die. 

Years ago I read we aren’t free to live fully until we’ve 

accepted our own death. I think this is true. 

I’ve accepted mine. 

Have you accepted your death? 

Yes r No r 

My remaining qualm is how I die. I don’t want to 

drown, burn to death or have a long debilitating illness 

that drains all of my family’s resources. 

30


In June 2015 the California Senate voted to move 

forward with an End of Life Option Act. When I read 

about it I smiled; immediately it made me feel safe. If 

this moves through the Legislature and is signed by the 

Governor, it will allow those of us who live here the right 

to end our life if the reason for doing so is confirmed in 

the judgment. 

31



THE DEATHS OF MY MOTHER AND SISTER 

I enjoyed Katy Butler’s book, Knocking on Heaven’s Door 

because it reflects my own experience with the dying 

processes of my mother and . The paragraph below is an 

introduction to her book found on her site at 

KatyButler.com 

“When doctors refused to disable the pacemaker 

that enabled her 84-year-old father’s heart to outlive 

his debilitating stroke and dementia, journalist 

Katy Butler embarked on a quest to understand 

why modern medicine was depriving him of a humane 

and timely death. “Every day across the 

country,” she writes, “Family caregivers find themselves 

pondering a medical procedure that may save 

the life of someone beloved and grown frail. But 

when is it time to stop intervening and let nature 

take its course? When is it time to say to a doctor let 

my loved one go?” With a reporter’s skill, a poet’s 

eye, and a daughter’s love, Butler points the way to 

a new art of dying for our biotechnological age.” 

I could not agree with Butler more. 

My mother, Florence Elizabeth (Deitrick) McLaird 

was in reasonably good health for 84 of her 87 years. 

Three years prior to her death she had a heart attack 

and stroke. For much of the rest of her life she lay in bed 

in a fetal position and the only thing she said to us the 

last year and a half was, “Leave me alone.” 

32


On one of our visits I said to my sister, “It’s too bad 

Mom didn’t die when she had a stroke.” My sister was 

disgusted with me and said, “I am appalled you would 

think such a thing, much less say it out loud.” 

My sister, Gloria Jane McLaird Lindner, contracted 

polio when she was 2 and remained semi-disabled all of 

her life. At age 69 she had two severe strokes, which rendered 

her nearly helpless. 

Once my sister experienced what our mother had 

gone through, she changed her opinion on the subject. 

A few months before her death I wrote in my journal, 

“My sister Gloria, now 72, continues to go downhill 

health-wise. Several months ago she told me she wished 

she had died when she had a stroke a couple of years 

ago. I agreed. If she now chose to do so, and if it were 

legal, I would help her end her life voluntarily.” 

End-of-life autonomy is legal in some states including 

Washington, Oregon, and Vermont (as of this writing). 

Court rulings in New Mexico and Montana also allow 

this practice. In Washington there is an organization 

called www.compassionandchoices.org. 

If my sister had chosen this course, we would have 

sought guidance from them. 

Upon the death of my mother I said to my son, Sean, 

“If I ever get into that situation (in bed, paralyzed and 

33



unable to do anything for myself) I want you to help me 

die.” 

“Why didn’t you do that for Grandma? 

“Because it is illegal and I’d go to jail for murder.” 

“So you want me to go to jail for helping you to 

die?” 

“No. I hope by the time I die it will be legal in California 

to help a person die who wants to.” 

In June 2015 the California Senate voted to move 

forward with an End of Life Option Act. When I read 

about it I smiled; immediately it made me feel safe. If 

this moves through the Legislature and is signed by the 

Governor, it will allow those of us who live here the right 

to end our life if the reason is confirmed in the judgment 

of those we trust, those we love, and ourselves, without 

sacrificing our proper medical attention. 

34


WHAT DEATHS HAVE YOU 

EXPERIENCED? 

Name them here. 

r a baby ___________________________ 

r a child ___________________________ 

r children __________________________ 

r husband __________________________ 

r wife ______________________________ 

r married partner_____________________ 

r unmarried partner___________________ 

r parents ___________________________ 

r grandparents _______________________ 

r aunts ____________________________ 

r uncles ___________________________ 

r nieces ____________________________ 

r nephews __________________________ 

r friends ___________________________ 

r colleagues _________________________ 

r schoolmates ________________________ 

r pets _____________________________ 

r other ____________________________ 

35



For other kinds of deaths and endings, like plans, relationships, 

etc. that never came to fruition, see Book 

Three, next. 

* * * 

36


BOOK 3 

PREPARING FOR DEATH AND DYING 

ACKNOWLEDGING EVERY SIGNIFICANT LOSS 

IN YOUR LIFETIME 

It is customary to acknowledge the death of humans 

with gatherings and rituals ranging from elaborate (for 

the rich and famous) to modest (for the rest of us). Unfortunately, 

it is not customary to acknowledge with a ceremony 

the loss of friendships, jobs, health, moving from 

a loved home or the death of a pet. 

Skilled parents hold memorial services for pets. And, 

if possible, there is a graveside service in which the pet is 

buried in a box. Sometimes the site is identified with a 

headstone or plaque. My wife and I buried one of our 

beloved dogs in our garden and had a river rock engraved 

with her name on it. 

37



That was nearly twenty-five years ago, and the rock is 

still in place. Each time I come across it, it brings a smile 

to my face as I remember our delightful companion. 

There is more about children and funerals in the section 

about children, ‘When to talk with children about 

death.' 

Our parents have all passed. Each year, on their 

birthday, we place their photo on our dining room table 

and place a lighted candle near it. We leave the candle 

burning until we go outside or to bed. This is a wordless 

but elegant way of remembering them. It brings to us 

elements of appreciation and gratefulness for the many 

gifts they brought into our lives. 

38


A friend lost her grandmother’s wedding ring. She 

lamented it for a while. Finally she accepted that her 

carelessness was her contribution to it disappearing. She 

held a private ceremony with a photo of her grandmother 

on her wedding day. She talked to her grandmother 

out loud explaining what had happened, apologized, and 

asked for forgiveness. 

This was more than 25 years ago. I’ve not heard her 

say a word about it in all these years. 

For ten years I taught, Mastering the Art of Spiritual Living 

at four residential recovery centers. Here is what I 

wrote for one of my classes: 

Hold a memorial service for your old life as an addict. 

Write a real and raw eulogy. Maybe that will be enough; 

no further ritual may be necessary. 

Any loss that brings even a slight twinge of grief deserves 

acknowledgment – the loss of your addiction, any 

bad habit, health, job, vocation, home, or a dream that 

will not be realized. These acknowledgments can be 

done privately at home or at a place, which is sacred or 

meaningful to you. Or, you might prefer a simple ritual 

with friends at a dinner, picnic or barbecue. 

39



MEMORIAL SERVICES FOR ALL LOSSES, 

NOT JUST FOR THE PHYSICAL 

DEATHS OF HUMANS 

While teaching at four residential drug and alcohol 

recovery centers over a ten-year period, I encouraged 

the clients to hold a memorial service for their old life as 

an addict. This type of service can be done alone or with 

a few trusted friends. 

The loss of: 

r our addiction 

r any bad habit 

r our health 

r our job 

r our vocation 

r our home 

r a dream that will not be realized 

All deserve acknowledgement. This can be done by 

drawing a picture, lighting a candle, playing selected 

pieces of music or whatever would be perfect for you to 

do. 

40


A SIMPLE CELEBRATION OF LIFE 

CEREMONY 

One evening we had a couple over for dinner. A few 

days earlier a mutual friend in his 80’s died. We had all 

been with him a few days prior to his death. Following 

supper we cleared the table and placed a beautiful lace 

tablecloth on it which he had given us. It had belonged 

to his mother. We began our simple ceremony with a 

toast to him, his life and his accomplishments and our 

friendship. One at a time each of us lit a candle and 

spoke about a loving memory or two we had of him. We 

concluded the ceremony with a final toast. The whole 

ceremony took maybe six or seven minutes but it proved 

extremely comforting for the four of us. It was meaningful 

enough that as I write about it, tears of gratitude have 

come to my eyes. This is an example of a simple Celebration 

of Life for a dear friend. You can do this sort of 

ceremony alone or with a few friends to acknowledge 

and honor someone you loved or admired who is now 

dead. 

ACKNOWLEDGING A WONDERFUL TREE, 

SAUSALITO PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH AND 

SAUSALITO WOMAN’S CLUB 

I became the pastor of the Sausalito Presbyterian 

Church in 1975. Near the entrance of the sanctuary 

stood a mature and very large and beautiful cypress tree. 

I was told a story about how that tree figured in the 

founding of the Sausalito Woman’s Club. Here’s an ex- 

41



cerpt from their website, called Beginnings, 

sausalitowomansclub.org/history/beginnings 

“The founding of the Sausalito Woman’s Club was 

set in motion in 1911 when Ella Wood witnessed 

workers cutting down a row of mature cypress trees 

on Bulkley Avenue. It seems that a horse-drawn 

surrey that served as the town’s public transport system 

had recently rolled over on one of the town’s 

steep streets, killing its driver. The tree cutting was 

being done to widen the road to accommodate the 

replacement vehicle, Sausalito’s first automobile: a 

Model T Ford taxicab. 

“Ella Wood raced home and recruited nine neighbors 

to join hands with her around the lone cypress 

tree remaining to prevent further cutting. Other 

women sought out town clerk, William Tiffany, who 

ordered the tree spared. That cypress tree became 

known as ‘The Founders’ Tree.’ 

“While it is true that the tree cutting was the catalyst 

for Elizabeth Shoobert, Lydia Sperry and Nellie 

Story to enlist other women in forming “a club of 

civic force to save the beauty of our hillsides,” the 

spark of activism was already well underway before 

the tree incident took place.” 

The tree was removed because it was dying from the 

inside out. We conducted a ceremony acknowledging the 

contributions of that tree in terms of beauty, shade, as a 

resting place and for nests for birds, hiding place for rac- 

42


coons, as well as home and nourishment for millions of 

insects. 

Dr. Rev. Joan Carter 2 was the associate Pastor at 

SPC while I was the pastor. Joan holds a Ph.D. in Liturgy, 

Worship and Art and her remarkable combination of 

skills and intuitive knowing turns any tattered, over-used, 

black and white, generic ritual into a 3D Ultra High Definition 

presentation. She and I created a ritual to 

acknowledge this wonderful tree. For the conclusion of 

the service, the entire congregation surrounded the tree. 

Joan remembers, “The tree had two separate trunks 

and one was leaning on the other. We used the Chinese 

symbol depicting one stroke leaning on the other. If one 

stroke was taken away the other would fall.” 

I remember how warm the sanctuary became once 

the tree was gone. Some late mornings and on into the 

afternoon, during services and weddings, the sanctuary 

was uncomfortably hot. To this day, I miss that wonderful 

tree and am delighted we acknowledged it as we did. 

For a decade my son, Sean owned a tree service in 

San Francisco, CA. One day he was called to give an 

estimate for removing a large tree in the back yard at a 

San Francisco home. 

2 http://osad.olivetuniversity.edu/aboutus/faculty.htm 

43



The owner was an elderly woman who told him a 

touching story. She has won it as a prize at a fair. It was 

in a paper cup in a small amount of dirt and was about 4 

inches tall. She took it home and planted it. Cutting it 

down was traumatic for her as it had been a companion 

for more than 75 years. 

Sean suggested it could be cut into pieces and removed 

by a crane. The woman didn’t like the idea, as 

she was afraid the crane might drop it on the roof. She 

chose to have it cut in small pieces and the crew carried 

it through her home and out on the street and into the 

chipper. Removing it cost her $10,000. But in terms of 

nostalgia, sentiment, and companionship it was a small 

price. I’m sure she missed that tree the rest of her life. 

What person or thing have you lost which deserves 

some type of acknowledgment? 

* * * 

44


MARITAL DIVORCE AND THE ENDING OF 

ANY LOVING RELATIONSHIP ARE 

FORMS OF DEATH 

It has often been said that marital divorce is more 

painful than physical death because our former partner 

is still around. And, if we have children with her/him we 

will be attached in some way the rest of our life. 

My first wife and I were married for 13 years. Seven 

were rather normal, the rest difficult. We participated in 

counseling on and off the last several years of our marriage. 

We followed the advice of each of our counselors 

as best we could but nothing worked. 

Counseling and trying our best did not result in keeping 

us together, but it provided valuable insight into the 

weaknesses of our relationship. Additionally, we learned 

valuable insights regarding ourselves as individuals. 

Often the pain, guilt, and hostility of a broken relationship 

are so traumatic that rational thoughts and 

plans seem nearly impossible. The impulse is to condemn 

one’s partner and justify our own thoughts and 

actions. And these cycles of pain can last for years, overlapping 

married/separating/separated/divorcing and 

divorced times. 

If at this moment you are still contemplating whether 

or not you are going to divorce, I encourage you to read 

a very brief e-book I wrote and published, called 

45



I Hear You’re Contemplating Divorce, 

www.smashwords.com/books/view/347330 

From trusted friends and professional counselors, I 

was given two primary suggestions that proved extremely 

helpful. 

The first was to write several therapeutic letters. The 

highest level of therapeutic writing, doodling or drawing 

is beneficial in many ways. And the best part is nobody 

ever sees it or even knows about it. 

The first letter would be to the person you’re divorcing. 

Therapeutic expressions are like volcanoes going 

off, like regurgitating food that has made us ill, with 

screaming, lashing out, and feeling sorry for ourselves. It 

is "all out" with no holds barred. 

The second letter is from your Greater Self to your 

other self. This is identical in intensity to the first letter 

with one caveat. At some point, as an exercise, you declare 

the other person to be 100% innocent of this split. 

You take 100% blame for every dysfunction. To be sure 

this is not accurate because it takes two to tango, but I 

found this exercise to be extremely useful and healing. 

The other thing I found so helpful was advice a 

woman gave me. She said, "George, now that you are 

going through the worst time of your life, this is the perfect 

time to give yourself a gift.” 

46


At the time I was feeling so badly it took me a week 

or more to think of what I was going to do for myself. 

What I did was have a potter make a small obelisk with 

the image of a dove on one side and this New Testament 

Scripture on the other. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, 

whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is 

pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if 

anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Philippians 4:8 

I don't know what the gift would be for you, but 

spend some time thinking about it and give yourself that 

gift. What wonderful gift are you going to give your self 

today or very soon? 

Many years ago I wrote a Divorcing Ceremony. Only 

three individuals ever requested this ceremony. They 

were two women and one man. The partners refused to 

participate. Here are the opening paragraphs. 

"We gather to witness and acknowledge the completion 

of a relationship. By our presence we express 

our mutual love, affection, and support for both 

(Name) and (Name). 

“We gather to aid ourselves and one another in setting 

aside judgment, to use this occasion for healing, 

and to be with (Name) and (Name) as they complete 

47



this stage of their journey and return to their former 

state, and do so with our prayers and presence as 

well as our good hopes and intentions." 

My divorce led me to write a book and create a seminar. 

Soon after my first wife and I separated it became 

clear to me that I did not know the ingredients that make 

up a healthy marriage or long-term intimate relationship. 

So I took classes from Howard Markman at the University 

of Denver. I learned more about healthy relationships 

during that time than I had previously known. 

It was there he introduced us to the research, work 

and teaching of John and Julie Gottman, 3 David Olson, 4 

and Smart Marriages headed by Diane Sollee. 5 

Markman, Gottman, Olson and Sollee’s efforts led 

me to writing a book about how to create a marriage 

that is healthy enough to last a lifetime. 6 

I also developed a seminar for every couple I marry. 7 

3 www.gottman.com 

4 www.dibbleinstitute.org/david-olson 

5 www.smartmarriages.com/index.html 

6 The Marriage Maze, McLaird’s Guide for the Journey 

7 Titled ‘Mastering the Marital Arts’ 

48


Getting that divorce turned out to be the bravest 

thing I ever did. It was also an experience of placing my 

cards on the table face up and telling the whole truth and 

nothing but the truth; i.e., my marriage didn’t work and 

it needed to end. 

Additionally I wrote poems about my failed marriage 

and the sadness I felt. 

All this has led to my 32-year marriage to Linda. 

These have been the easiest, most loving, most productive 

and happiest years of my life. 

So after the most severe death I experienced in my 

life, my first marriage, I experienced a profound resurrection, 

now 32 years and going strong. But as you can 

see, it didn't just happen on its own; it took diligent study 

and application. 

Start now making plans and arrangements to hold 

some type of memorial service for your now dead 

marriage or loving relationship 

49



I HAVE NOT HELD A SERVICE, CELEBRATION 

OF LIFE, MEMORIAL OR FUNERAL THAT 

COMPLETELY SATISFIED ME FOR . . . 


r a baby ___________________________ 

r a child ___________________________ 

r children __________________________ 

r husband __________________________ 

r wife ______________________________ 



r parents ___________________________ 


r aunts ____________________________ 

r uncles ___________________________ 

r nieces ____________________________ 

r nephews __________________________ 

r friends ___________________________ 

r colleagues _________________________ 

r schoolmates ________________________ 

r pets _____________________________ 

r other ____________________________ 

50


THERAPEUTIC WRITING, DRAWING, 

DOODLING AND MORE 

Therapeutic writing has several possible levels. 8 

The first level is you never show it to anyone under 

any circumstances ever. 

No exceptions. If you suspect someone will see it, you 

will either consciously or unconsciously censor it. Therapeutic 

writing is like throwing up or a volcano exploding; 

i.e., it is getting it all out where you can clearly see it, 

read it, feel it and take the proper action to resolve the 

issue. 

The next level of therapeutic writing is to meet with a 

professional listener (psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, 

clergyperson or spiritual director) and share selected 

parts of it with him/her. I say, ‘selected parts’ because 

there might be some information you wish to never share 

with anyone, ever. 

Writing a letter to and about your self can be both 

frightening and freeing. I have done this many times. 

8 I first learned about Therapeutic writing by reading a book by Bob 

Hoffman published in 1976 under the title Getting Divorced From Mother 

and Dad; later republished with a new title, No One Is to Blame. I was so 

impressed I wrote Bob a thank you note. Eventually, we met and he 

gave a class at the Sausalito Presbyterian Church on his Quadrinity 

Process. www.hoffmaninstitute.org 

51



Ericha Hitchcock Scott is a licensed professional clinical 

counselor, an internationally certified addiction 

counselor, and a board certified registered art therapist, 

who uses multiple forms of art and poetry in her therapeutic 

practice. There is more about her work on her 

website, www.drechascott.com. Ericha, thank you for 

permission to include you here. She writes: 

“I am an artist who uses art with my clients inside 

the practice of psychotherapy. I have been in the 

field for 30 years, and I would no longer have this 

tremendous passion for my work, if I had not used 

art, all forms of art, as my co-therapist. Thirty years 

ago my supervisor said to me, “Oh, I don’t know 

what you should do, why not use art therapy?” I am 

still slightly embarrassed to admit that I had to ask 

him, “What is art therapy?” 

“Now, after five more years of college, numerous 

credentials, recognition, and a few publications in 

peer review journals, I am still asking that that question. 

“I use art for a myriad of reasons. There are times I 

am just a Sunday painter or photographer. In the 

long ago past I taught college level photography for 

Broward Community College and in France for 

The Cleveland Institute of Art, as an assistant to the 

photographer Jean-Pierre Cannelle. I have made 

my own cameras and photo paper, and my photographs 

have been exhibited in a museum and several 

galleries. 

52


“Other times, art is my lifeline, a way to express the 

inexpressible like the death of my beloved husband 

from a bone marrow transplant, or my grief about 

violence in the world. Sometimes I think I am painting 

as if a Sunday painter, when the rocks below the 

surface of the ocean water reveal themselves in a 

way that feels ominous, and later I find, that in a 

pre-sentient fashion this is a perfect reflection of 

what was happening that day. 

“All of that said, art is my medicine, my comfort, 

my go-to for insight and meaning. Art facilitates my 

deepest and most accurate intuitions.” 

53



WRITE ABOUT YOUR OWN DEATH 

Practice writing therapeutically by completing 

these exercises: 

I believe in the afterlife because 

__________________________________ 

__________________________________ 

I don’t believe in the afterlife because 

__________________________________ 

__________________________________ 

I am afraid of dying because 

__________________________________ 

__________________________________ 

I am no longer afraid of dying because 

__________________________________ 

__________________________________ 

54


I first met Amy Tan several years ago when I conducted 

her brother John’s wedding. I recently met her 

again when she joined our Zumba class. In her TED 

talk,‘Where Does Creativity Hide’ 

www.ted.com/talks/amy_tan_on_creativity?language=e 

n she spoke about the death of her father, John, and older 

brother, Peter. I asked if she had written about it and 

she had – beautifully I might add. Used here with permission. 

Thank you Amy! 

Excerpt from: Tan, Amy, The Opposite of Fate, 

Penguin, also available in the iBooks Store, 

itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-opposite-offate/id361930238?mt=11 

“I remembered those times in my life when I tried 

to believe that my father and brother would not die. 

I remembered those times when I desperately wanted 

to see my friends who had passed too soon. And 

I remembered also how I didn’t want to hope too 

much, knowing that those hopes might turn into 

almost unendurable pain. In spite of what I didn’t 

hope, the pain was still unbearable; a void so empty, 

so completely without meaning that it made me 

hope our existence did not end with the last breath 

and heartbeat. That same hope now made me remember 

all that had happened during the writing of 

The Hundred Secret Senses: how the made-up stories 

turned out to be true; how the research I needed 

dropped into my lap; how the ironies and coincidences 

accumulated, played off one another, forced 

me to wonder and consider that everything that 

55



happens is neither grand plan nor random coincidence. 

It is a crazy quilt of love, pieced together, 

torn apart, repaired again and again, and strong 

enough to protect us all. 

“Did the ghosts of friends and family come and 

serve as my muses? Aren’t ghosts merely delusions 

in grief? I know now that these questions are meaningless 

and the answer is absolute. What are ghosts 

if not the hope that love continues beyond our ordinary 

senses? If ghosts are a delusion, then let me be 

deluded. Let me believe in the limitlessness of love, 

the beauty of contradictions, the miracle that is an 

ordinary part of life.” 

56


I HEAR YOU CAN TALK WITH THE DEAD 

I do not promote the practice of séance about which I 

know absolutely nothing. I have never attended a séance 

although I have seen them depicted in old movies. 

What I have in mind when suggesting we talk with 

the dead is to write that person a therapeutic letter, note, 

poem, haiku or whatever. Use any genre that works for 

you. 

Those who believe in multiple lives and reincarnation 

generally have beliefs such as: 

r we are all eternal souls 

r we plan our own lives and 

r we eventually ascend into higher levels of consciousness. 

A friend of friend worked with William J. Baldwin 

who taught that some of our present problems stem from 

unfinished business in a former lifetime. If you’re interested 

he has several books on this subject 

www.amazon.com/William-J.- 

Baldwin/e/B001K8OBWO 

on Amazon’s author page, 

When it comes to mediumship, an excellent place to 

begin your search is sunrisecenter.org 

57



On his web site, http://www.ebenalexander.com, 

Dr. Eben Alexander states that ‘Consciousness is the 

Most Profound Mystery in the Universe.’ He has written 

a fascinating book titled, Proof of Heaven, A Scientitst’s Case 

for the Afterlife . 

Suzanne Giesemann has written 11 books on this 

subject of mediumship and speaking with the departed. 

www.suzannegiesemann.com, 

www.amazon.com/Suzanne- 

Giesemann/e/B000APFRHG 

Also see Messages from the Masters: Tapping into the Power 

of Love, by Brian Weiss 

I have a friend I’ve known since 1965 who is now a 

widow. She’s in her nineties and was happily married for 

more than 50 years. I speak with her often and she tells 

me she talks to her now dead husband “all the time.” 

Listening to her talk about it is like listening to someone 

describing how they pray. I’ve known others who continue 

to talk with their deceased partner (or other friends 

or family members) as if they were alive. As long as they 

don’t isolate from other people, I see no harm in this 

practice. 

An article that may help is ‘Healthy Relationships 

With Departed Loved Ones,’ by Doreen Virtue, 

www.angeltherapy.com/blog/healthy-relationshipsdeparted-loved-ones 

58


POEMS ABOUT DEATH AND DYING 

(ARE YOU KIDDING?) 

This collection of odes and poems are about many 

types of deaths including physical, mental, spiritual, social, 

financial, hopes, dreams, families, businesses and 

theologies. These are a part of my therapeutic writings 

about my own death. Perhaps they will inspire and support 

you in your own process. 

In his 2015 speech at the Grammies, Bob Dylan 9 said 

something about his songs that resonated with me relating 

to my odes and poems. He said, “I'm glad for my 

songs to be honored like this. But you know, they didn't 

get here by themselves. It's been a long road and it's taken 

a lot of doing. These songs of mine, I think of as mystery 

plays, the kind that Shakespeare saw when he was 

growing up. I think you could trace what I do back that 

far. They were on the fringes then, and I think they're on 

the fringes now. And they sound like they've been traveling 

on hard ground.” 

I loved his description of his poems as ‘mystery plays.’ 

I can relate to that. Dylan often writes what I’ve yet to 

put into words. Mine too are on the fringes and have 

traveled a long way on hard ground. 

I did not write these to be published or shared. These 

poems are about me getting in touch with my Greater 

9 graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/arts/Bob-Dylan-Speech- 

Transcription-20150207.pdf 

59



Self (My Personal I AM), who knows the truth about me, 

and what’s good for me now. They are a form of selfeducation. 

These are therapeutic poems. I acknowledge 

my wife for encouraging me to publish some I’ve written 

several about the possibility or impossibility of an afterlife. 

The most notable to be read at my memorial service 

is I’m About to Go, which is included in Appendix B. 

As a child who was raised in a home of fundamentalist 

preachers, I believed what they believed. I was 18 

when I flew that coop, for which I’m eternally grateful. 

The coop or prison is certainty, and Fundamentalists 

generally have a great deal of certainty. Theological certainty 

(dogmas, edicts and their kind, can render us 

brain-dead. Now I have a short list of ‘beliefs’ and a 

long, long list of ‘hopes.’ 

My wife Linda is the one who convinced me to stop 

fretting about going extinct forever. She said, “If there is 

no afterlife you won’t know it anyway, so forget worrying 

about it.” Great advice. That did it for me. I hope it 

helps you too. 

It was the final blow to my dread of disappearing forever. 

The other final blow was my conversion from believing 

that God was a tough guy who would send unbelievers 

to hell and torture forever; to an interpretation of 

God has morphed into The Creator of Existence, whom 

I lovingly call The Great Mystery. 

60


I Don’t Remember How Old I Was 

G. McLaird, January 29, 2008 

I don’t remember how old I was 

But my mother was still dressing me 

Cute outfits too 

One with a fireman rescuing a cat from a tree 

Another was a slick, plastic raincoat with leaping flames 

all over it 

I had boots to match 

My father was a fireman 

We’d run 

We’d play catch 

We’d play fireman too 


When my mother stopped dressing me 

By then I was pickin’ out my own clothes 

I chose cute outfits because she had taught me about 

blending colors 

Mixing and matching 

Who would be watching 

And what that might mean to me 


We’d run 

We’d play catch 

We no longer played fireman 


61



When my mother died 

That miserable day turned my world bleak 

A sad world 

The suns up today but who cares world 


We no longer played fireman 

We barely played at all after Mom died 


When my father died 

He was in a burning building 

The floor collapsed and he fell to his death 

I barely play at all now that my parents are dead 


When my best friend died 

He was a medical researcher and caught the disease he 

was trying to cure 

I dressed formally for his memorial 

That service was difficult, very difficult 

His wife and mine were close friends 

As were their kids and ours 

We still get together 

I think we always will 

I don’t remember how old I was when I died 

But I could no longer dress myself 

The last few months I never got dressed or went outside 

62


I was survived by one of the greatest wives on the planet 

One outstanding son 

And one incredibly bright and precious daughter 

‘Tis Alright With Me 

G. McLaird, April 1, 2013 

I'm gonna' die with only a few people noticing I was even 

here 

A few hundred folks out of 8 billion plus is about it 

I can stand up, walk, talk, think, feel, laugh, cry and see 

I love ya’ havin’ been here with me 

So whatever is 

'Tis alright with me 

What's next 

We'll see 

Or maybe we won't see 

As you and I may eventually cease to be 

Either way 

'Tis alright with me 

More poems about my own death are in Appendix B. 

63



I HEAR YOU’RE AFRAID SOMEONE YOU LOVE 

WILL DIE BEFORE YOU DIE 

The death of anyone we love is one of the most traumatic 

events we will ever experience. Even the thought 

of it can bring on fear so deeply embedded it can be debilitating 

or nearly so. With all of our heart we want to 

avoid this ever happening. Some refuse to allow themselves 

to dwell on this and never say a single word about 

it. They suffer alone. Don’t be one of them. 

Some cultures are permeated with deeply agreedupon 

superstitions. One of these insidious superstitions is 

the belief that speaking of one’s death or the death of 

another will draw the event closer to fruition. Secretly, 

they too suffer alone. Don’t be one of them. 

Not the easiest but the healthiest way to handle an 

anticipated death is to talk or write about it. Metaphorically 

speaking, we need to put our cards on the table face 

up. 

64


I HEAR YOU’RE AFRAID THE FOLLOWING 

PEOPLE MIGHT DIE BEFORE YOU DIE 


r a baby ___________________________ 

r a child ___________________________ 

r children __________________________ 

r husband __________________________ 

r wife ______________________________ 



r parents ___________________________ 


r aunts ____________________________ 

r uncles ___________________________ 

r nieces ____________________________ 

r nephews __________________________ 

r friends ___________________________ 

r colleagues _________________________ 

r schoolmates ________________________ 

r pets _____________________________ 

r other ____________________________ 

65



If you are afraid to talk about this with anyone, I 

have a suggestion. Secretly, write a letter to the person 

you fear will die but never send it. 

On the list of those we’re afraid will die before us are 

our pets. For those who love animals, pets are members 

of the family. It is not unusual to have a similar experience 

with the death of a pet as with the death of any other 

family member. 

The United States is one of the most cat and dog 

friendly countries in the world. Americans love their 

pets. The Humane Society of the United States estimates 

a population of 95.6 million owned cats and 83.3 

owned million dogs as of 2012. These numbers speak 

for themselves. 

People who are not animal lovers think those of us 

who are animal lovers tend to carry this sort of thing too 

far. They often see us as fanatics, and might say, “They 

are only animals.” “Those animal people have gone crazy.” 

Or we’re just considered ‘pure nuts.’ 

In Part 3 in Janice Borzendowski’s book, titled: Caring 

for Your Aging Dog: A Quality-of-life and End-of-Life Issues, she 

writes, "Vets agree on a number of criteria that constitute 

quality of life for an aging and/or sick dog, which 

can be presented as a series of questions you can ask to 

turn it for your own dog. 

66


These include: 

r does she look forward to eating? 

r is she happy to see you when you come home – 

even if it takes for longer to find you and tell you so? 

r can she still enjoy exercise? 

r does she seem content, peaceful? 

r how about her temperament: is she still sweet and 

loving or has she become snappish and irritable? 

In a chapter titled ‘Farewell, Friend: Coming to 

Terms With End Of Life,” Borzendowski writes about 

making the decision to euthanize. She hits the nail on the 

head when she writes, “There is no way to ease the anguish 

caused by the impending death of a beloved dog, 

but by addressing all of the issues involved in advance, it 

is possible to ease the passage, so that the loss is not preceded, 

and so complicated, by feelings of panic, misunderstanding 

and uncertainty." 

www.aspca.org/pet-care/end-life-care-faq 

67



I HEAR YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT ENDING 

YOUR LIFE LEGALLY OR ILLEGALLY 

OR THINKING ABOUT HELPING 

SOMEONE YOU LOVE END HIS OR HER LIFE 

Physician-assisted death is the term recommended to 

me when I spoke with the folks at Compassion & Choices, 

www.compassionandchoices.org, 

to describe an approach to the process or act of killing 

someone who is very sick or injured in order to prevent 

more suffering. 

The taking of a human life, no matter the time, place 

or reason is as serious as any event we will ever encounter. 

During my lifetime I’ve had four friends commit suicide 

and have conducted a dozen memorial services for 

others. For 10 years after retiring from parish ministry, I 

taught The Art of Spiritual Living at four residential drug 

and alcohol 10 centers. At least a dozen former clients returned 

home only to relapse and overdose. All of these 

10 2004 – 2014 Taught ‘Mastering the Art of Spiritual Living’ at 4 

residential recovery programs: Bayside Marin, then owned and operated 

by Perry Litchfield, baysidemarin.crchealth.com. Mayflower 

Recovery Center (which is no longer operating), The Alta Mira Recovery 

Center in Sausalito, CA. www.altamirarecovery.com and 

North Bay Recovery Center in San Rafael, CA northbayrecoverycenter.com 

68


had a severe impact on everyone who knew the client in 

any way. 

I began serving as a Presbyterian Pastor in 1968. I 

visited hundreds of people in care facilities where the last 

years of many peoples’ lives were their worst. Many of 

them wished they could die but couldn’t or wouldn’t be 

allowed to take their own life. 

Given my experience and beliefs, I stand with those 

who think our laws need to change regarding physicianassisted 

death. 

If you are considering this for yourself or a loved one, 

please research this vigorously and thoroughly before 

proceeding. 

Whether you anticipate doing this legally, illegally or 

committing suicide, don’t proceed alone. There is wonderful 

help should you decide to stay on earth or “Leave 

at your own chosen speed.” 11 

Begin by familiarizing yourself with Compassion & 

Choices in Washington state, compassionwa.org. They 

work to improve care and expanded choice at the end of 

life. They support, educate and advocate. The following 

information is taken from their website: 

“Compassion & Choices of Washington supports 

those facing the end of life and advocates for the 

11 It Ain’t Me Babe, Bob Dylan 

69



right to a peaceful, humane death. We assist people 

with all aspects of end-of-life decision making as 

they face incurable and terminal illness, pain, and 

suffering. 

“We provide free end-of-life counseling and client 

support services statewide to qualified patients who 

choose to use the Death With Dignity Act. 

“We encourage advance planning and set a new 

standard in Washington for advance planning documents 

with our Compassion & Choices of Washington 

Advance Directive. 

“We promote the use of Physician Orders for Life- 

Sustaining Treatment (POLST) for those with serious 

illnesses. We provide these and many other 

documents at no cost. 

“We created and played a key role in leading the 

coalition that passed Initiative 1000 (the Washington 

Death With Dignity Act) into law in November 

2008 with nearly 60 percent of the popular vote. 

We now steward, protect, and uphold the law. 

“Our Vision: A society in which people receive 

state-of-the-art care and a full range of choices for 

dying in comfort, dignity and control. 

“Our Mission: Compassion & Choices improves 

care and expands choice at the end of life. We support, 

educate and advocate. 

70


“Compassion & Choices is the leading nonprofit 

organization committed to helping everyone have 

the best death possible. We offer free consultation, 

planning resources, referrals and guidance, and 

across the nation we work to protect and expand 

options at the end of life. 

“For over thirty years we have reduced people’s 

suffering and given them some control in their final 

days – even when injury or illness takes their voice. 

We are experts in what it takes to die well. 

“Compassion & Choices works with individuals 

and allied organizations throughout America to: 

“1. Make aid in dying an open, legitimate option 

recognized throughout the medical field and permitted 

in more states. 

“2. Increase patient control and reduce unwanted 

interventions at the end of life. 

“3. Pass additional laws ensuring full information 

and access to all end-of-life care options. 

“4. Normalize accurate, unbiased language 

throughout the end-of-life choice discussion (“aid in 

dying” instead of “assisted suicide”). 

“5. Establish aid in dying as a prime motivator in 

voter decision-making. 

71



“6. Support the expansion of the end-of-life choice 

movement and exert a leadership role in it. 

Here is my letter to the Editor of the Marin Independent 

Journal, 

www.marinij.com/opinion/20150607/marin-ij-readersforum-for-june-8 

“I write in response to your front page article 

today: 6.5.15, “Right-to-die bill clears California 

Senate 23-14” 

Rev. George McLaird 

george@mclaird.com 

my letter has 236 words 

``````````````````````````````````````` 

“I have been an ordained Presbyterian pastor for 47 

years. Currently I serve as Pastor Emeritus at the 

Sausalito Presbyterian Church. 

“Having visited numerous care facilities over many 

years, I have never left one saying to myself, ‘Someday 

I hope to be here.’ This is in spite of the fact 

that I see staff and administrative people doing 

wonderful work. What I say to myself is, ‘I hope I 

die before I need to come to a place like this.’ 

“I’ve been an advocate of the Right To Die for 

many years. Several years ago I became a supportive 

member of www.compassionandchoices.org. I 

am also active in the movement. 

72


“I’m within days of sending my manuscript to the 

publisher for a book titled “I Hear You're Afraid of 

Dying or Afraid Someone You Love Will Die Before 

You.” It will be available around July 9, 2015. 

“Today I added the following to the book. 

“In June 2015 the California Senate voted to move 

forward with an End of Life Option Act. When I 

read about it I smiled and immediately felt safer living 

here. If this moves through the Legislature and 

is signed by the Governor, it will allow those of us 

who live here the right to end our life if the reason is 

confirmed in the judgment of those we trust, those 

we love, and ourselves, without sacrificing good and 

proper medical attention. 

On May 28, 2015, an article on ‘Death With Dignity’ 

covering the entire the U.S. was updated. 

www.deathwithdignity.org/advocates/national 

* * * 

73



I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN ASKED TO SPEAK AT 

YOUR FRIEND’S MEMORIAL SERVICE 

OR CELEBRATION OF LIFE 

GUIDELINES FOR SPEAKERS AT MEMORIAL 

SERVICES 

Thank you for your willingness to speak at the 

Celebration of _________________________’s life. 

Because there will be several speakers, it is important 

for all of us to keep our remarks brief. 

When written, your remarks should be no longer 

than 400 words. 

Please tell 1 story of this length or 2 short stories but 

don’t use more than 400 words. 

When preparing your comments, please remember 

they should be about (name) __________________ 

and not you or us. 

What follows is a presentation made at a memorial 

service I conducted several years ago. The deceased’s 

best life long friend delivered it. It is the perfect length; 

fewer than 400 words, and is a good example to follow. 

“James and I met in Jr. High and became close 

friends immediately. We graduated from the same 

college and medical school. Four years later he 

74


married Margaret. I was his best man. The highlight 

of the wedding was his vow. 

“As we all know James was very public about his 

addiction. He credited it for leading him into the 

medical field. Just before his vow, he said, 

“Margaret, my love, when I had lost all hope of recovery, 

you were there. When I lost my health and 

nearly all of my friends, you were there. If it were 

not for you, today I would be dead rather than getting 

married to you.” With this said, Margret began 

to cry. 

“He went on, “I found some words by Bob Dylan 

that says what you mean to me.” As he read, he began 

to cry and did nearly every guest. 

“Suddenly I turned around and 

she was standing there 

With silver bracelets on her wrists 

and flowers in her hair 

She walked up to me so gracefully 

and took my crown of thorns 

"Come in" she said "I'll give ya’ 

shelter from the storm." 12 

“I also wish to tell you what he said one Father’s 

Day about what happened when their daughter became 

gravely ill. He said, “Mary was a lively child 

with incredible energy and during her first seven 

years she was so healthy it was frightening. She nev- 

12 Shelter From the Storm on Bob Dylan’s album, Blood on the 

Tracks, 1975. 

75



er came down with the childhood diseases our other 

two children did. 

“Soon after her eighth birthday Mary became so ill 

we took her to the ER. They hospitalized her immediately 

and told us she had a rare disease. As a 

doctor, I knew what we were facing and suddenly 

the future was not a friend. Our hopes turned to 

fears. All of our plans were put on hold; our lives 

stopped. 

“A few days later, Mary started a risky, experiential 

regimen. Thankfully, it worked though it took her 

over a year to regain her strength. Today, as you 

know, she is alive and well. Our life is back and every 

Mother and Father’s day we celebrate with 

laughter and tears.” 

“We have lost a lovely and sensitive husband, father, 

doctor and friend. Godspeed, James. 

SAMPLE TRIBUTE 

The following lyrics were written and sung by Jacquie 

Phelan, daughter-in-law of Bruce and Carol Cunningham. 

She sang this a cappella at Carol’s Memorial Service, 

held at the Sausalito Presbyterian Church. The 

tune and inspiration came from Iris Dement's great song, 

Our Town. There were several verses, here is one. 

76


An artist, a mother, a sister and wife 

So many big roles in a decorated life 

And each one fit her like a well-tailored suit 

The world is scattered with her prodigious fruit 

And I can see the sun’s setting fast 

And just like they say nothing good ever lasts, 

Well go on, now and kiss it goodbye 

but hold onto your loved ones and have a good cry 

Go on now and say goodbye to our mom, to our mom 

Can’t you see the sunflower head down, she’s our mom, she’s our 

mom . . .goodnight 

77



78


BOOK 4 

HOW I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED 

WRITE YOUR OWN OBITUARY TWICE 

“Write it twice, are you kidding? I don't even want to 

write it once,” you might be thinking or saying out loud. 

But, before you decide to reject this idea listen to what 

I'm suggesting. 

When writing the first obituary, pretend you have 

been unable to overcome your health challenge and, as a 

result, you die in less than a year from now. 

Your second obituary assumes you remain healthy 

and your death occurs in your late nineties. While writing 

your obituaries, be honest, raw and real. 

The difference between the two will reveal what you 

have yet to accomplish; i.e., the part of your bucket list 

yet to be fulfilled. It will also become clear what you will 

miss if you die soon. 

79



A SIMPLE GUIDE WHEN WRITING 

YOUR OWN OBITUARY 

To this idea you might say, “Why should I do this? 

I’m not a professional writer.” 

The simple answer is that no one can do it better because 

no one knows you like you know yourself. Your 

life is unique, the only one like it, forever. 

Read a few obituaries either on-line or in your local 

newspaper. Make a list of the words you DO NOT 

WANT used in your obituary followed by the WORDS 

YOU WANT. 

Here is what I wrote about mine. 

When You Write My Obituary 

George L. McLaird 

It’s fine with me that you write my obituary 

Either before or after I’m dead 

But there are some dreadful words 

I don’t want used as it is read 

“Beloved (anything), loving husband, devoted (anything), 

always kind and thoughtful, never said a bad word about 

anyone, never thought less of anyone, died surrounded 

by his loving family while his faithful wife held his hand, 

he’ll be gravely missed.” 

80


Hiss, hiss, hiss 

Here are a few approved words 

Feel free to add adjectives and verbs 

“Happily married (the 2 nd time), happy, energetic, 

searching, satisfied, grateful, productive, blessed, lucky to 

be retired all those years, healthy, wealthy, father, 

husband, student, teacher never a preacher, 

a curious creature” 

Note: I have always disliked the term ‘preacher’ because it implies I 

know more than my audience or congregation. I prefer to use the 

term ‘teacher’ because it implies both life-long learning as well as, 

periodically, being a professor. 

81



LISTING WORDS YOU WANT AND DON’T 

WANT IN YOUR OBITUARY 

WORDS I WANT IN MY OBITUARY 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

WORDS I DON’T WANT IN MY OBITUARY 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

________________________________________ 

82


KEEP IT SIMPLE: 

WHAT ARE 6 WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU? 

____________________ 

____________________ 

____________________ 

____________________ 

____________________ 

____________________ 

More information about these ideas can be found in 

Not Quite What I Was Planning, Revised and Expanded 

Deluxe Edition: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous 

and Obscure. Larry Smith, Harper Collins, 2008. 

Share your six-word story at sixwordmemoir.com 

and www.smithmag.net, home of “Everyone Has A Story, 

What’s Yours?” 

If you’re uncertain about your writing skills, 

have a friend write it. Give her/him 

what you have done here. 

83



YOUR FIRST OBITUARY 

Your first obituary assumes you will die 

soon as the result of deteriorating health. 

_____________________________________________ 

_____________________________________________ 

YOUR SECOND OBITUARY 

Your first obituary assumes you will die in 

your late nineties. 

_____________________________________________ 

_____________________________________________ 

84


WHERE TO PUBLISH YOUR OBITUARY 

Traditionally obituaries have been published in newspapers, 

usually for a fee. 

I’ve left instructions to have only a ‘death notice’ appear 

in our local papers directing the reader to a place 

where they can read the entire obituary. Here are some 

options for me: 

My www site, www.mclaird.com 

My Facebook page, www.facebook.com/georgemcLaird 

My LinkedIn page, www.linkedin.com/ 

The church’s email newsletter where I served for 26+ 

years, www.sausalitopres.org 

My Presbytery where I’ve been a member since 1975, 

www.redwoodspresbytery.org 

The Seminary I graduated from in 1968, www.sfts.edu 

A notice will be sent out using my email list. 

85



Here are online obituary sites: 

www.legacy.com/ns/ 

www.obitsforlife.com/records/list.php 

Where do you want your obituary 

published? 

_____________________________________________ 

_____________________________________________ 

Let me know what you’ve done – or will do soon – 

about all of this, even if you’re not going to do anything 

about it at all, at least for now. You can email me at 

www.mclaird.com/blog.html. Thanks. 

86


I HEAR YOU DON’T WANT A FUNERAL 

OR MEMORIAL SERVICE 

Whatever motivation you have for insisting your family 

and friends don’t memorialize you, it’s a terrible request. 

Your Funeral or Memorial service isn’t for you; it’s 

for them. Instead, request A Celebration of Your Life. 

If you don’t want to have the ceremony in a religious 

setting, fine. But plan on allowing your survivors a time 

to do something in your honor. Here are a few alternatives 

to the traditional or religious memorial service. 

ALTERNATIVES OTHER THAN SERVICES 

HELD IN A RELIGIOUS SETTING 

A meal as a memorial service, and more 

Many years ago the mother of a non-religious friend 

died unexpectedly. My friend invited her two children 

and their three grandchildren to her mother’s home for a 

dinner. The dinner was a major element in the ritual; it 

was preparing and enjoying her mother’s favorite meal 

and dessert. 

The entire ritual took place in the kitchen and dining 

area. They had all eaten this meal in this place on many 

occasions. 

Each person was asked to bring any photos or memorabilia 

they had of her. Before, during and after the 

87



meal, they shared photos and stories. For them, a secular 

family, it was the perfect memorial service. 

I once conducted a memorial service for a 16-yearold 

boy who died from an overdose of heroin. The ceremony 

took place at his mother’s home. A dozen or so 

friends each brought a favorite song to play. One by one 

they took turns, first saying something about their friend, 

and then explaining why they choose their song. Everyone 

participated including his mother. 

I was once asked by the owner of a mortuary to conduct 

the service for man I did not know. I made arrangements 

for a meeting with the family at their home. 

I knocked on the door. A man opened the primary door 

but not the screen door. He said, "Are you the Rev.?” I 

replied, “Yes I am." 

He said, “OK Rev. I have a question for you and if 

the answer is no we're going to get a different Rev." 

"What is the question?" I asked, He replied, "Our father’s 

favorite song was, Home, Home On the Range by 

Gene Autry. Can we play that during the service?" I 

said, "Sure!" 

He opened the screen door he said, “Come on in, 

would you like a beer?" I said, "I'm happy to come in 

88


and make arrangements but I'll pass on the beer." He 

said, "Okay, but you'll be the only one not having a 

beer." I replied, "That's fine with me." 

What he did not know and I didn’t tell him was I’m 

allergic to beer. I've had two glasses in my life and almost 

immediately threw up both times. 

When the song was played during the service I 

watched the guests and nearly everyone had a broad 

smile on their face. Many had a tear or two, too. 

A friend and member died and her service was at the 

Sausalito Presbyterian Church. A second service was 

held in the San Francisco Bay. Friends hired a large 

yacht and held a party, with food, drink and music, in 

honor of the deceased. 

I’ve conducted numerous services on yachts in the 

San Francisco Bay or on near by Mt. Tam (Mill Valley, 

CA). 

My wife Linda and I, along with 20 or 30 others, participated 

in a memorial service for her brother, Merryl 

Johnson. It was held on his home property, which was 

89



adjacent to a river. Several spoke lovingly and kindly 

about him. One of his sons swam in the river with his 

father’s ashes, opened the container and let them drift 

down the river. That was followed by an elaborate picnic. 

A man I had known for more than 30 years developed 

cancer. Tom wanted to talk about his memorial 

service and invited my wife and I to meet him at a local 

restaurant. He was very clear about what he wanted and 

what he did not want. He self-identified as being spiritual 

but not religious (SBNR). I met with him several times 

between that day and his death. He remained crystal 

clear about what he wanted and did not want for his 

memorial service. 

The day he died I received a phone call from one of 

his closest friends. He knew what Tom wanted for his 

memorial service; he was also the executor of Tom’s estate. 

15 or 20 of us gathered around his body, which was 

still lying, on the hospital bed he had utilize for a couple 

of months which was set up in his living room. Following 

the deceased's request I said "Let's go around the room 

and each of us say how we knew Tom and anything else 

you would like to say about him and/or your relationship 

with him." 

90


Several of the expressions were so touching everybody 

had tears in their eyes. Others were so funny everyone 

was laughing out loud. The last person to say anything 

was a woman I had never met. She spoke lovingly 

about Tom and then said that she wanted to do a Hawaiian 

dance to the goodbye song, Aloha Oe. 

She was not Hawaiian and I immediately had qualms 

about it but said nothing. She turned on the music and 

did a magnificent dance to the music with Hawaiian lyrics. 

Aloha Oe (Goodbye) 

The rain proudly lulls by the cliff 

And quietly brushes through the forest 

It hones in at the core 

The Lehua Flower of the vale 13 

Chorus: Goodbye, goodbye 

The sweet and gentle one living in the distance 

One fond embrace I leave 

Until we meet again 

Fond memories bring me back 

And renew sweet ones 

Of times past 

Goodbye, my love 

You are mine regardless 

[Chorus] 

I realize your beauty 

13 The flower of the Hawaiian tree Ohi’a Lehua, Flower of the Vale 

91



The fragrant rose of Maunawili 14 

Right over there by the lovebirds 

Drinking its nectar. 

The ceremony concluded by me asking everyone to 

repeat one sentence at a time the blessing Tom had requested. 

Tom our dear friend 

The Lord bless you and keep you 

The Lord make his face to shine upon you 

And be gracious unto you 

The Lord lift up his countenance upon you 

And give you peace 

Both now and forever 

Amen 

14 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maunawili,_Hawaii 

92


When thinking about your Memorial Service, Celebration 

of Life, or whatever gets your imagination going, 

start working with it now. 

How about a BBQ, a picnic in a park or at the 

beach? 

How about asking people to travel a bit to a place 

that held a great deal of meaning for you. They can 

bring along a boom box and play tunes you choose. 

How about providing funds to take your friends to a 

sporting event. If the park has a scoreboard, ask that the 

deceased’s name and dates be displayed on it. 

Finally, it would be a wonderful gesture on your part 

to leave some money for the get-together. 

93



I HEAR YOU’RE PLANNING YOUR OWN 

MEMORIAL SERVICE (THIS NEEDN’T BE YOUR 

GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL THESE DAYS!) 

This will be the cover of the bulletin for my memorial 

service. It is an accurate depiction of my light-hearted 

ideas about living and dying. This also represents my 

hope that life goes on after our physical body dies, even 

if maybe it doesn’t. 

Is George Off here and On there? 

Is George Off here and Off there too? 

A few years after becoming the pastor of the Sausalito 

Presbyterian Church, sausalitopres.org, I initiated a 

workshop for planning our own memorial service. This 

idea did not originate with me. 

Prior to coming to Sausalito I was the Associate Pastor 

of the San Leandro Presbyterian Church. A married 

mother with three children contracted cancer. Several 

months before she died she asked me to help her plan 

94


her memorial service. I was surprised for I had never 

heard of such a thing. 

Over the next few weeks, she planned the service 

from start to finish including the type and color of flowers, 

who was to speak, what hymns to sing and so forth. 

Because my father had died when I was 5 years old, she 

asked me to speak directly to her children during the 

service. As a part of the opening, it was announced that 

she had planned every part of the service. 

Following that service several people said it was one 

of the most meaningful memorials they had ever attended. 

I agreed. 

Betty Ford chose Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, 

Nancy Reagan and Rosalyn Carter as the speakers for 

her memorial service. Cokie Roberts said, “Mrs. Ford 

was very clear about what she wanted me to say. She 

wanted me to talk about Washington the way it used to 

be. She knew there were people back then who were 

wildly partisan, but not as many as today. They were 

friends, and that was what made government possible.” 

In her column, Amy Dickinson, advice columnist for 

“Ask Amy,” shared the following letter and response. 

Some of her column is reprinted here, with her permission. 

Thank you, Amy. 

95



DEAR AMY, 

Your recent advice regarding the emotional distress 

caused by surprises in wills made me think of my 

recently departed mother. 

While she was in good health more than a decade 

ago, she sat down with me and my three siblings to 

share her final wishes, neatly organized in a threering 

binder that she updated annually. Her current 

will, Do Not Resuscitate document, bank/investment 

statements and insurance policies were included, 

as were her wishes for her funeral. 

Everything from the dress she saved to be buried in 

to the readings and music were included, and she 

did so with humor. (Example: “Anyone who shows 

up for my funeral deserves a hot meal. Don’t skimp 

on a catered lunch or I’ll come back to haunt you.”) 

Her pre-planning and the transparency of her final 

wishes made things incredibly easy on us, and – despite 

the sadness of her passing – we were able to 

draw strength, comfort and even chuckles from the 

notes she left for us, allowing us to truly celebrate 

her life while we mourned her death. 

As a result, the four of us have all created our own 

binders patterned after hers and peppered with fond 

memories and anecdotes to help our survivors cope 

in similar fashion. – Grateful 

96


DEAR GRATEFUL 

This is a fantastic idea. Thank you! 

Dancing at memorial services and other occasions 

which are usually very somber 

I met Hannah Romanowsky 15 on April 5, 2009 at an 

all-day dance-and-Zumba gathering at Muir Beach. 

Hannah has been dancing for over 30 years. She mentioned 

she had been asked to dance at several memorial 

services. She consented to an interview. Here are excerpts 

of our conversation. 

She began by speaking of her friend, Joanne, and 

how she got involved in her memorial. 

“I’ve danced in churches, places of worship and for 

memorial services. Joanne’s daughter was a student 

of mine for many years in my Dance Varsity Youth 

15 Hannah Romanowsky notables: The Magic of Persia performance 

at the British Museum in London, the Islamic Arts Gala Performance 

at the Museum of Fine Arts in Houston TX, Festival of the Silk Road 

in San Jose CA, the Roof of the World Festival in the Pamir Mountains 

of Tajikistan, the Beijing Cultural Arts Festival in China, also 

the Desert Dance Festival in Rajasthan India. Internationally Hannah 

has performed and/or taught dance in England, Italy, Spain, 

France, Tajikistan, India, and China. She has performed and taught 

dance at museums and festivals in Europe, Asia, and across the United 

States. Bay area venues include: the Ethnic Dance Festival at the 

Palace of Fine Arts, the Asian Art Museum, the de Young Museum, 

Grace Cathedral, Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, and for private 

events, galas, universities, art galleries, and churches throughout the 

bay area. www.hannahromanowsky.com/abouthannah/performance-highlights 

97



program. Joanne had been sick with cancer ever 

since I had known her. 

“Joanne herself was a dancer and body-worker and 

so it was very important to her to have her daughter 

studying dance, and especially the music and dance 

of world cultures. 

“She and her daughter contacted me the week before 

she died and asked if I would dance at her 

memorial service, which was such an honor. To 

have that request come directly from her right before 

she passed was just really touching. 

“Her husband was the last one to speak, and everyone 

was of course very touched by his sharing. And 

you could feel a sense of weight in the room as 

friends and family are integrating these different 

stories from different parts of her life and perspectives 

on a woman they’ve lost. And then it was my 

turn. 

“After her husband sat down the music came on 

and I came floating down the aisle to the stage. Joanne’s 

husband and daughter were in the front row, 

and there was a picture of her smiling face projected 

on the wall above the space where I was dancing, 

and I smiled at them and I smiled at her, and it really 

felt for me like I had been blessed with the 

privilege of sending her spirit off. 

“My dance was all improvisation and had a fluid, 

sweet, light and joyful but tender quality – reverent 

98


without being somber. There was a lot of spinning 

and whirling, with my arms sweeping over my head 

as if to say to her, “You can go now. Your soul is 

free!” It was such a very beautiful moment for me, 

just being there and honoring her life in that way, in 

the way she wanted. It felt just perfect. 

“Afterwards so many friends and relatives approached 

me to say that the whole service was lovely, 

and expressed it was particularly rich and meaningful 

to them to have it end with the dance performance, 

because this non-verbal way of communicating 

deep feelings when words aren’t enough 

gave them a chance to integrate everything they 

heard, shared, and felt into their bodies. Through 

witnessing dance as a ritual and expression of soul, 

Joanne’s loved ones, too, participated in sending her 

spirit off. 

“I think it can also be deeply moving and healing 

for a community experiencing a loss to participate 

in a movement ritual, all together. 

“Her memorial service was at Unity Church in Novato 

at the Hamilton Air Force Base. It is a beautiful 

garden outside where we enjoyed food and 

shared stories about Joanne after the service.” 

Dances of Lament 

Hannah continues, “I’ve also performed dances of 

lament in other contexts, so I have a deep respect 

99



for the importance of honoring emotions in this 

way. Feelings should be felt and embodied.” 

“One memorable experience was at Grace Cathedral 

where I had the honor of representing Mary 

lamenting at the Cross. It was a really beautiful experience 

to dance in a cathedral. In that same performance 

we also performed ecstatic Sufi whirling 

on the labyrinth surrounded by live frame drums 

and rose petals being thrown around. It was an incredible, 

powerful experience to acknowledge the 

beauty and healing potential of sacred dance, especially 

in the context of bringing together different 

spiritual traditions.” 

Belly Dance at a Memorial 

Hannah continues: “A woman whose father had 

died contacted me about dancing at his memorial 

service. Her father was from Hungary and he loved 

dance and so she asked me to perform a belly 

dance. I was hesitant at first. You know, I wasn’t 

sure how to approach this, but a professional colleague 

had referred her to me so I figure what I do 

must be okay. 

“At first I was prepared do perform something 

somber, and indeed I did open with a candle dance 

to establish a sense of reverence. However, what 

this particular client wanted was something colorful, 

joyful, and exuberant – a way to honor the vitality 

of this man’s life rather than mourn his death– and 

so that is what I provided, and it ended up being a 

very rewarding experience for everyone. 

100


“I remember talking to some of the elders who were 

there, friends and relatives of the deceased, who expressed 

they were at first nervous at the thought of 

having a dance performance at the memorial service, 

but that my dance was so joyful and alive, and 

was a fitting way to honor the life of this man. 

“That dance was different from the one I did at Joanne’s 

service at the Unity Church. Joanne had 

specifically requested I perform a Persian dance, 

which has an ethereal and contemplative quality to 

it. It has its roots in very ancient spiritual practices, 

Sufism but also Zoroastrian symbols and rituals, 

and has a lifted, lyrical feeling to it, like a soul taking 

flight. In fact, birds are symbolic for the movement 

of the Soul in the Sufi tradition, which the dance 

takes inspiration from. So I picked out music that 

sounded uplifting. 

“One was a Persian Celtic harp fusion piece composed 

by colleagues of mine; I had another piece of 

music as well that I found inspirational and dramatic. 

I chose to wear golden colors – a long full 

chiffon skirt and flowing chiffon tunic - and that 

were warm and comforting, and I associated with 

being spiritually uplifting, like sunshine. It was a 

sunny day, after all.” 

* * * 

101



WRITE NOTES, CARDS, 

OR LETTERS OF GRATITUDE 

TO BE DELIVERED AFTER YOUR DEATH 

Initially, this may sound like a cop out but it is not. It 

is not my intention to encourage you to write something 

you have been unwilling to say out loud to a person 

while you looking at him/her in the eyes. Nor is this to 

be construed as placing a guilt trip on the recipient. 

These notes, cards or letters are expressions of gratitude 

to people you like, love, admire, and appreciate. 

Here are a few suggestions: 

Send a note, card or letter to your: 

r family (one letter to all of them or individual 

letters) 

r extended family 

r boss and co-workers 

r clergy, rabbi, priest, pastor, imam, or spiritual 

advisor 

r congregation where you practice with your faith 

based community 

r community where you volunteer, play, contribute 

or whatever 

r close 3-AM friends* 

102


And a letter of appreciation to everyone to be left on 

your Facebook page, web site, LinkedIn, etc. 

*Note: Several years ago I coined the term ‘3-AM Friends.’ These 

are people we can literally call at 3 AM to talk with, get help from 

or just make a needed connection. Take the time now to make a list 

of your 3-AM Friends. If you have none, delve into why, even if it 

means seeing a counselor, and determine to make changes that will 

bring you close to at least one person. 

Here’s an example: 

Dear Family, Extended Family, Friends and Acquaintances, 

This note and accompanied video were posted here 

by (Name). 

He/she did so at my request and will include here 

details of my passing. You may have heard I’ve 

died. I did and I’m still dead. I prepared this note 

several years before my death. I did so as a way of 

thanking everyone of you who have been in my life 

no matter how we knew one another. 

Please take a moment to recall what our relationship 

was and realize, once again, how much I appreciate 

you and your influence. I had a great life. 

There are, of course, several days, times, things I 

did or said, that I would like to delete. So if I hurt 

103



you and didn’t apologize, please accept my apology 

now. 

Many years ago I was taught to see every person I 

have met or will ever meet as one of my teachers. 

Thank you for your teaching. 

The major events of my life were: the early death of 

my father, appreciation for my mother, my first marriage 

and birth of our son Sean, graduating from seminary, 

ordination as a Presbyterian pastor, 30 plus years of 

marriage to Linda, traveling the world and completing 

our bucket list, living in our dream home, interacting 

with a dozen 3 AM friends, writing sermons, classes, 

books and poems, speaking and teaching, exploring progressive 

theology, spiritual living, pastoring the Sausalito 

Presbyterian Church. 

Please excuse me if I have left someone or something 

out. 

Here are the last lines of a poem I wrote to be read at 

my memorial service. Over the years I’ve read it dozens 

of times and it has never failed to bring a smile to my 

face and a lift to my Spirit. 

I've been here many years, now it's time to go 

Not sure when the train leaves or where it will go 

I'm content 

It’s either eternal extinction or on with the show 

104


PREPARE A STATEMENT TO BE READ OR A 

SLIDESHOW OR VIDEO TO BE SHOWN 

DURING YOUR MEMORIAL SERVICE 

A fairly easy way to do this is to go to a store that has 

a huge card section. Once you find the appropriate card 

you can include in it a handwritten sentence or two expressing 

what you wish to convey. 

This card can be passed around during the memorial 

service so each person can hold it for a moment or two 

and read the message. 

Or, of course, you can write or type something original 

on a piece of stationary, place it in a plastic sheet 

protector and pass it around. 

If you do not know how to make a slideshow or create 

a video some person younger than you that knows 

how is pretty easy to find these days. Start by asking 

members of your family for suggestions. 

Because these sort of things are done routinely now 

during memorial services, contact a mortician in your 

area for a suggestion or two. 

105



There are people who do this sort of thing professionally. 

The person I have worked with is one of the 

editors of this book who also does fabulous productions, 

Robin Sinclair 

Sr. Producer/Editor: Video, Multimedia, Presentations 

Robin Sinclair Productions 

rsinclai1@sbcglobal.net 

Here are some wonderful song ideas to be included in 

any service or celebration. Search YouTube for these 

titles, which can also be easily purchased individually on 

iTunes or Amazon, to be made into a CD for playback 

during your event. 

Let The Mystery Be, Iris DeMent 

I Did It My Way, Frank Sinatra 

Just a Little While to Stay Here, Geoff Muldaur 

(this will be played at my memorial) 

Gene Autry, Home, Home On The Range 

Van Morrison, Have I told You Lately 

Here is a link to a list of 16 of the most amazing 

funeral songs of all time 

funeralone.com/funeralone-products/lifetributes/funeral-songs/ 

106


Please begin planning your memorial service or 

celebration of your life now 

107



MY MEMORIAL SERVICE (CELEBRATION OF 

MY LIFE) WISHES 

108


MY MEMORIAL SERVICE (CELEBRATION OF 

MY LIFE) WISHES, CONT’D 

A beautiful article is With Cremations up, Urn Artists Look 

for the Beauty in Death, written by Associated Press’s National 

Writer, Allen G. Breed. It’s about an artist who 

decorates urns for the purpose of having them displayed 

109



in one’s home as a piece of art. 

www.nytimes.com/aponline/2015/03/13/arts/ap-usart-funeral-urns.html?_r=1 

These days you will find a great deal of help and suggestions 

on the internet. Using your favorite search engine, 

type in: funeral planning worksheet, how to plan a 

funeral, funeral arrangements checklist, how to write 

your own obituary. 

Don’t miss a number of very funny quotes about 

death at funeralhelper.org 

At funeralwise.com, here are 5 Things You Need to 

Know About Planning a Funeral 

https://forums.funeralwise.com/?s=5+things+you+nee 

d+to+know&submit=Go 

A To-Do List for planning a traditional funeral. 

www.caregiverslibrary.org/portals/0/checklistsandforms 

_funeralplanningchecklist.pdf 

A To-Do List where you choose the type of service 

you want can be found at 

elegantmemorials.com/funeral-service-checklist 

or 

www.funeralhelper.org/funeral-quotes/humorousdeath-quotes.html 

www.sevenponds.com/after-death/planning-a-funeralor-memorial-service 

110


Carol Cunningham’s ‘end-of-life notes’ is a sample 

approach. Thank you to Jackie Phelan and Charlie 

Cunningham for permission to reprint this portion of 

Carol’s end-of-life note to them. 

111



I HEAR YOU’RE TAKING CARE 

OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS 

Unfinished business, as I use the phrase here, is an 

emotional or mental wound. Maybe we shy away from 

addressing this wound because we don’t want to reexperience 

the emotions related to it: fear, dread, repulsion, 

loathing. Whenever we think of it we divert our 

attention because we don’t want to throw up or break 

out in a sweat or start crying of sobbing or become Uncontrollably 

angry. 

Unfinished business implies a need for ‘tying up loose 

ends.’ We want to completely heal our wound, free ourselves 

of it thereby bringing the issue to a close. 

A 28-year-old woman came to my office in Sausalito 

and told me a very unusual story. A few days earlier, she 

had been making love when she became catatonic. She 

thought she was dying, as did her partner. She started to 

recover in about 2 minutes, which for both of them, 

seemed like an hour. 

She then remembered something she had blocked 

from her memory since she was 12. Starting at age 8, her 

uncle molested and raped her. When she was 12 he died. 

She went to the funeral, pretended to be sad but internally 

she was delighted her rapist was dead. She felt free 

and decided it was over and somehow suppressed her 

memory of it. 

112


Something either said or done during her love making 

(she couldn’t remember the exact trigger) caused her 

to remember being raped. She had such a severe panic 

attack she not only blacked out but became catatonically 

ridged as well. 

After hearing her story I encouraged her to join a 

therapeutic group for women who had been raped. At 

first she refused. So I gave her the details for writing a 

therapeutic letter to her dead uncle. 

The next time we met she said she had become stuck 

when trying to write it. She wanted to read me the opening 

line. I told her I don’t want to hear it because the 

purest form of therapeutic writing needs to remain 100% 

confidential. She was determined and said, “I’m going to 

read it to you anyway.” 

With that she began, “Dear Uncle John,” or whatever 

his name was which I have long forgotten. I said, 

“Wait! This is not Dear Uncle John. This is the man who 

raped you when you were a child. You need to call him 

every filthy name you’ve ever heard and get in touch 

with your anger and verbally let him have it all barrels 

blazing.” 

She responded, “I’m a good Catholic woman and we 

don’t talk that way.” I said, “I’m a good Presbyterian 

and we don’t like to talk that way either but when doing 

this type of work we use every word and term in our vo- 

113



cabulary. I gave her a half-dozen words she could consider 

using. 

The next time we met I asked her how her letter was 

coming. She smiled and said, “It’s working wonders.” 

That was the last time we met. A few weeks later she 

called to let me know she had joined a women’s therapeutic 

group whose members all had similar experiences 

and long-term trauma. 

Hopefully, your unfinished business is not so horrible 

but no matter what it was and is, now is the time to 

begin addressing it. Find a therapist who specializes in 

dealing with clients who are suffering as you are. Begin 

your search by asking your doctor or clergy person for 

recommendations. 

Unfinished business may include wonderful things 

you wish you had said such as; “I loved you with all my 

heart. You were the light in my life. You were a perfect 

partner for me. I miss you every waking moment. I wish 

I had died with you.” 

If you have unfinished business, negative or positive, 

with a person who is now dead, write them a letter. 

Don’t let anyone read it. 

Another resource that may be helpful: Hoffman, Bob, 

No One Is to Blame: Freedom from Compulsive Self-Defeating 

Behavior; the Discoveries of the Quadrinity Process, Science and 

Behavior Books, Inc. Mountain View, CA. 

114


A descriptor from the book’s website is, ‘The Quadrinity 

Process is the best method for re-aligning relationships 

with parents and parent surrogates, and a powerful 

tool in the service of the development of love for self and 

other. 

www.amazon.com/One-Blame-Compulsive-Self- 

Defeating-Discoveries/dp/0831400579Unfinished Business 

Unfinished Business 

G. McLaird, July 27, 2010 

I is gonna’ visit ma’ fear-hall 

Give names to each of ma’ demons 

I is thinkin’ ‘bout cleanin’ up ma’ unfinished business 

Or, maybe I’ll wait ‘till after recess 

Go on playin’ ma’ fictitious role like a good actor 

115



GETTING YOUR ‘PAPERS’ IN ORDER 

When it comes to making a will, what care decisions 

you want made on your behalf when you are dying, the 

type of treatment you want and don’t want – there is no 

need for me to ‘reinvent that wheel’ here. 

It has already been completed thoroughly and expertly 

produced by an organization called Aging with Dignity 

in a document called Five Wishes, which helps you 

gather the following information: 

r the person I want to make care decisions for me 

when I can’t 

r the kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want 

r how comfortable I want to be 

r how I want people to treat me 

r when I want my loved ones to know 

Order a copy of FIVE WISHES from 

Aging with Dignity.org (888) 594-7437 

116


WHEN TO TALK WITH CHILDREN ABOUT 

DEATH AND WHEN SHOULD 

THEY ATTEND THEIR FIRST CELEBRATION 

OF LIFE, MEMORIAL SERVICE OR FUNERAL 

Because I attended my father’s funeral when I was 

five years of age, I definitely have strong feelings about 

this subject. 

My dad died October 23, 1944. My sister had not returned 

from school on time so he and I left the house to 

find her. He spotted the streetcar and took off running 

and told me to go back home. Sometime later there was 

a knock on the door. We were in the kitchen. Mom had 

an apron on and a knife in her hand as we went to answer 

the knock on the front door. 

Two police officers were standing there and asked my 

mother if she was Mrs. McLaird and if she was the wife 

of George McLaird. She answered, “Yes.” One of them 

said, “We have bad news for you. Your husband was 

found dead on a streetcar.” She responded, “Oh no!” 

And, of course, we both began sobbing. I don’t remember 

my sister being home by then or not. 

The next thing I remember was that evening people 

from the church came by to spend time with my Mom. 

My sister, Gloria, and I had been put to bed early. But, 

with all the talking, I woke up and went into the living 

room. I got paper and crayons out and drew a picture 

for each person. 

117



At one point I was sitting on a woman’s lap and beside 

us was another woman. That woman said to the one 

holding me, “Isn’t it fortunate that George doesn’t understand 

what happened today.” 

Being five years old and taught to be respectful to all 

elders I didn’t say a word out loud. But to myself I said, 

“You stupid woman I know exactly what happened today. 

My father died. I will never talk to or be with him 

again.” 

These days, whenever I see a five-year-old, I watch 

them carefully. They are so small and innocent. No 

wonder the death of my father was the major tragedy of 

my life. Sometimes, even today I find tears in my eyes 

over that loss. 

Whenever our children, no matter their age, ask us 

about death we need to use that as ‘a-teaching-moment.’ 

Using language, which is age appropriate, we need to be 

honest about their questions and our answers. 

Modern-day children are exposed to death very early. 

Preferably, the first death they will experience will happen 

when you are presence. Even if you carefully monitor 

what they see and hear on TV they will somehow 

soon hear about death. When finding a dead mouse, 

bird, dog, cat, fish or whatever, use that moment to gently 

introduce your child to the cycle of life and death of 

everything. 

118


A good place to begin preparing yourself for these inevitable 

conversations is by reading an excellent article 

written by Hospice, Talking To Children About Death, 

childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-aparent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/ 

Below is what they say about whether children should 

attend funerals. My mother chose to include me in every 

aspect of my father’s death: Finding out about it, visiting 

the mortuary, seeing his body lying in the coffin, attending 

the funeral and burial at the grave site. 

My sister has since passed away but when we talked 

about this we both agreed that mother including us in 

every aspect of his death was exactly the right thing for 

us to do. My sister was 6. I was 5. 

I agree with every word in the article below. 

SHOULD CHILDREN ATTEND FUNERALS? 

(from the Hospice article mentioned above, 

Talking to Children About Death, 

Funerals serve a valuable function. Every society has 

some form of ceremony to help the living acknowledge, 

accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or 

not a particular child should be included again depends 

on the child and the situation. If the child is old enough 

to understand and wants to participate, being included 

may help her accept the reality of the death while in the 

supportive company of family and friends. 

119



If a child is to attend a funeral, she should be prepared 

for what she will hear and see before, during, and 

after the services. She should be aware that on such a sad 

occasion people will be expressing their bereavement in 

various ways and that some will be crying. If possible, 

someone who is calm and can give serious consideration 

and answers to questions she may ask should accompany 

the child. If she prefers not to attend the funeral, she 

must not be coerced or made to feel guilty. 

Here is an excellent and sensitive article that will be 

helpful as you prepare to talk with your children about 

death, from the Child Development Institute, 

How To Talk With Kids About Death. 

childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-aparent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/ 

120


CONCLUSION 

So there you have it. You are in charge now. Start 

your preparations as soon as you can get yourself to do 

it. Then you may wish to devote a little time to this on a 

regular basis, just as you do for other life-management 

tasks, like finances, health, etc. 

10,000 blessings on your journey. 

George 

* * * 

121



122


BOOK 5 

MORE POSSIBILITIES 

When you wish to research this subject in more depth 

the following are books, articles, key words for browser 

searches, URL’s and more. You will find these helpful as 

you prepare for your death. 

Quantum physics provides scientific proof that death 

is an illusion 

in5d.com/quantum-physics-proves-that-death-is-anillusion/ 

Advance Directives, IlluminAge Communication 

Partners, a division of Caresource Healthcare Communications, 

a national leader in Senior Care communications. 

Conger, Carolyn, PhD, Through the Dark Forest: Transforming 

Your Life in the Face of Death, Plume Publishing, NY, 

NY 

(800) 448-5213. www.illuminage.com 

123



Bernard, Toni and Boorstein, Sylvia, How to be Sick: A 

Buddhist Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers, 

Somerville, MA, Wisdom Publications 

Borzendowski, Janice, Caring for Your Aging Cat: A Quality-of-Life 

Guide for Your Cat's Senior Years 

Borzendowski, Janice, Caring for Your Aging Dog: A 

Quality-of-Life Guide for Your Dog's Senior Years, Sterling 

Publishing Co., Inc. NY, NY. 

Butler, Katy, Knocking on Heaven’s Door – The Path to a 

Better Way of Death, Scribner, NY, NY 

Search celebration of life, funeral or memorial service 

planning. Some of these links are helpfully repeated from 

the funeral planning section. 

www.funeralhelper.org/index.php 

www.funeralhelper.org/funeral-quotes/humorousdeath-quotes.html 

www.funeralwise.com 

.pdf 

www.caregiverslibrary.org/Portals/0/ChecklistsandFor 

ms_FuneralPlanningChecklist.pdf 

124


elegantmemorials.com/funeral-service-checklist 

or www.sevenponds.com/after-death/planning-afuneral-or-memorial-service 

Compassion & Choices, based in the state of Washington, 

USA, they work to improve care and expand 

choice at the end of life. They support, educate and advocate. 

compassionwa.org 

DeathCafe.com At a Death Cafe people, often 

strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss 

death. 

Our objective is 'to increase awareness of death with 

a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) 

lives'. 

A Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of 

death with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a 

discussion group rather than a grief support or 

counseling session. 

Our Death Cafes are always offered: 

- on a not for profit basis 

- in an accessible, respectful and confidential space 

- with no intention of leading people to any conclusion, 

product or course of action 

125



- alongside refreshing drinks and nourishing food – 

and cake! 

If you are interested in holding a Death Cafe in 

your area contact deathcafe.com 

Really Big Questions, Public Radio International, 

“What Is a Good Death?” The introduction on this website 

is: 

“How do you want to die? “Not at all” isn’t an option. 

We’re all what Dickens called “fellow passengers 

to the grave.” If you press people, they’ll say 

they hope to go out in one fell stroke, or to pass on 

quietly at home, surrounded by family. But we’re 

more likely to die in intensive care. Maybe that’s 

partly because we’re afraid to talk about death 

ahead of time. There’s a growing movement to 

bring engagement with death back into our culture, 

through death salons, home funerals, and meaningful 

end-of-life care.” 

* * * 

126


GRIEVING 

There are two reasons I have not written about grief 

or grieving here. 

1. It is a separate subject, related to – but not the focus 

of – this book. 

2. There are excellent groups, books, materials and 

videos readily available. There is no need for me to reinvent 

the wheel. 

Begin finding what will work for you by using an Internet 

search engine; search grief or grieving. 

Locate the nearest Hospice center to you. 

hospicefoundation.org 

James W. John and Russell Friedman, The Grief Recovery 

Handbook 20 th Anniversary Expanded Edition, An Action 

Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other 

Loses Including Health, Career and Faith. Founders of 

the Grief Recovery Institute. Authors of When Children 

Grieve 

Many places in the USA have ongoing grief meetings. 

While this is not the case worldwide, find a grief group 

meeting near you. Ask your Doctor or mortician for a 

reference. 

127



A long time friend of mine found great help at 

www.griefcoachacademy.com/home-study 

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief - 

Five_identities_of_grievers 

www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm 

www.psychologytoday.com/basics/grief 

Hebb, Michael, Death Over Dinner, a Ted Talk. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DT0aMfFtuw 

deathoverdinner.org/ 

Get Your Shit Together, Life and Death Planning 

getyourshittogether.org 

How do doctor’s die? Just like the rest of us but here’s 

one thought provoking paragraph from an interesting 

article: 

“Patients and families often pay a high price for difficult 

and unscripted deaths, psychologically and 

economically. The Dartmouth Atlas Project, which 

gathers and analyzes health care data, found that 17 

percent of Medicare’s $550 billion annual budget is 

spent on patients’ last six months of life. 

www.nytimes.com/2013/11/20/your-money/howdoctors-die.html 

128


Lifespan calculator 

media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan 

Mathieu, Patrick, © Patrick Mathieu, 

www.MortalityManifesto.com 

McLaird, George, Rev. A Guide for Spiritual Living, 

Accepting the Death of Your Physical Body (pg. 55). 

iUniverse. Bloomington, IN. 2012 

O’Malley, Patrick, is a psychotherapist, Fort Worth. 

Read an article he wrote at nytimes.com/opinionator. 

Some details have been altered to protect patient privacy. 

opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/gettinggrief-right 

Romanowsky, Hannah, www.romanzadance.com 

Real Age calculator 

www.sharecare.com/static/realage-test 

Ross, Elizabeth, On Death and Dying, New Forward, 

Caroline Myss, Berkley, CA, Celestial Arts 

Schachter-Shalomi, Zalman, Rabbi. Saging, Not Aging, 

New York: Warner Books, Inc. 

Simon, Scott, Unforgettable: A Son, a Mother and the Lessons 

of a Lifetime. Scott uses Tweets and his physical presence 

to chronicle his mother’s final days on earth. 

129



Spiritual But Not Religious www.sbnr.org 

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_but_not_religious 

Tucker, Jim. M.D. Return to Life: Extraordinary Cases of 

Children Who Remember Past Lives. St. Martin’s Press, NY, 

NY: 10010, 2013 

Ericha Hitchcock Scott, Art Speaks Out Loud 

Practical Preparations for Your Own Eventual 

Death, UC Berkeley 

.pdf 

oktodie.com/pdf/planningyourowndeath1226.pdf 

.pdf 

druidnetwork.org/files/namerica/nea/Death_and_Dying_workb 

ook.pdf 

www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-STRID.html 

www.deathwise.org/how-we-help/prepare-for-deathwisely 

lifehacker.com/5992722/one-day-youre-going-todie-heres-how-to-prepare-for-it 

www.kevinmd.com/blog/2012/02/ready-death.html 

130


.pdf www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/death_dying.pdf 

WikiHow, How to Deal With Your Own Death 

Dr. Seth Isaiah Rubin, PhD., Preparing for Aging 

and Death 

eHow How to Prepare for Your Own Death to Help 

Your Family 

Grief Relief, Grief Coach Academy 

Winter, Aurora, Grief Relief in 30 Minutes: How to use the 

Peace Method to go from Heartbreak to Happiness. 

* * * 

131



132


APPENDIX A 

BELIEVING . . . OR NOT 

Over the years, my 'belief' list has dwindled but my 

'hope' list has grown. My greatest hope is the existence of 

an afterlife. I hope every being who has ever lived on 

earth will be conscious and just as aware, or even more 

so, than we are here and now. But, I have no personal 

experience to prove this one way or the other. 

Now, I live comfortably aware I don't know what will 

happen following the death of my physical body. What I 

do know is I'm trying to be healthy in every possible way 

every day. 

In Saging, Not Aging, Rabbi Zalman Schachter- 

Shalomi writes: “If somebody says to me: ‘I’m not happy 

about the way I’m growing old,’ I talk to them about 

shifting from aging to saging. The first step is to face our 

mortality. When I look ahead, I see the end. I’m going to 

die. Most people have an aversion to looking in the direction 

of dying. The future inexorably comes, and if I’m 

not facing it, I’m backing into it.” 

133



Because of our father’s early death, my sister and I assumed 

we would die in my late thirties or early forties. 

My certain death has been a constant companion ever 

since. As of this writing, I’m seventy-five. 

Accepting the eventual death of my physical body has 

afforded me a new type of freedom in thought and emotion. 

Instead of dreading death, I am more inclined to be 

verbally and emotionally thankful for each day. Gratitude 

has replaced that fear. 

* * * 

134


APPENDIX B 

POEMS ABOUT DEATH AND DYING 

BY GEORGE MCLAIRD 

I'm About to Go 

G. McLaird – To be read at my Memorial Service 



We zipped through fast; often it seemed slow 

Excitement all around; misery real low 

Billions have come and gone; repeaters -- I don't know 

Fallen leaves color the show with a wistful glow 

No need to get up tight, just let the river flow 

Can we look back or only straight ahead 

Is there more to know or has it all been said 

We're either godlike Beings or we'll be eternally dead 

So raise your heads, hands and hearts; clap for the act 

that's been 

Life is such a wild slide-show; 

135



mysteries about who and when 

Hugs and kisses all around 

Existence - my best friend 

Many times I did fret about my eternal fate 

Tickets are not needed, first class no matter the date 

Adjustments now; no need, just slip on through the gate 



I'm content 

It's either eternal extinction or on with the show 

I Died 

G. McLaird, March 28, 2010 

I died 

I’m dead 

Yet I’m awake, alert, aware 

I was mistaken about an afterlife 

There is one 

Thought I’d go to sleep 

And never know anything ever again 

Including my few years on earth 

Being eternally over 

136


But it ain’t so 

So I’m stickin’ ‘round 

A little longer 

Gonna’ check out some things 

I may have missed 

When I was alive before I died 

Half a year later 

I’ve seen what I wanted to see 

The great energies that rule everything 

I returned to the garden 

Where my friends had scattered the dust of my old body 

It returned to its home 

And I returned to mine 

Steppin’ Through Death’s Open Door 

G. McLaird, for my wife, Linda. 10.17.10 

Again, I’m steppin’ through Death’s open door 

Into my private library 

Housing my entire history 

Every moment available 

To be reviewed 

The cast members are true-to-life holograms 

While watching 

I’m seeing very familiar scenes 

137



For the first time 

In a long time 

Over and over 

To myself I said 

How could I have forgotten this 

I must have been ½ dead 

There were so many lives 

It took hundreds of shelves to hold ‘em 

We have been living a full life 

For a very long while 

Together since we were pups 

Ain’t had enough of you yet 

And truthfully 

I don’t think I ever will 

When You Write My Obituary 

G. McLaird, October 19, 2007 

It’s fine with me that you write my obituary 

Either before or after I’m dead 

But there are some dreadful words 

I don’t want used as it is read 

“Beloved (anything), loving husband, devoted (anything), 

always kind and thoughtful, never said a bad word about 

anyone, never thought less of anyone, died surrounded 

138


by his loving family while his faithful wife held his hand, 

he’ll be gravely missed.” 

Hiss, hiss, hiss 

Here are a few approved words 

Feel free to add adjectives and verbs 

“Happily married (the 2 nd time), happy, energetic, 

searching, satisfied, grateful, productive, blessed, lucky to 

be retired all those years, healthy, wealthy, father, 

husband, student, teacher never a preacher, 

a curious creature” 

Note: I have always disliked the term ‘preacher’ because it 

implies I know more than my congregation. I prefer to 

use the term ‘teacher’ because it implies both life-long 

learning as well as, periodically, being a professor. 

Someday 

G. McLaird, September 1, 2013 

Someday my name 

And maybe a photo too 

Will be on the obituary page 

139



Of a newspaper or two 

For sure it will be announced 

On my Facebook and Linkedin page 

Or whatever pages are available then 

And for sure on www.mclaird.com 

So what? 

I’ll disappear like smoke 

Of the 1000’s who see my name in print 

99.99% will pass it by 

Because they’ve never heard of me 

Others might say, 

Humm, that name sounds familiar 

But then they’ll turn the page 

A small group who have either 

Known me or known of me 

Will pause and read the notice 

Then they’ll turn the page 

At my memorial service 

A tear or two will be shed 

Instead of the cheering and laughter 

Which would be more appropriate 

For with a few exceptions here and there 

I lived my dream life 

6.99 billion out of 7 billion humans 

140


Would be happy 

To live as I’ve lived 

Another Eagle Lands 


I don’t know for sure 

But it feels like I’m just passin’ through 

As soon as this trips over 

I may get another chance to do 

More 

But I don’t really care 

Because there is nothing about that I can do 

I could 

Fret 

Speculate 

Worry 

Wring my hands 

Ring bells 

Say prayers 

Or stew 

But that ain’t gonna’ make my hopes come true 

So 

I’m gonna’ take a deep breath 

And accept 

That whatever happens is out of my hands 

It’s either 

141



The end of the show 

Or another eagle lands 

If Something Should Happen To Me 


If something should happen to me 

Is one of the worst lines of all time 

We’re not talking about breaking a shoelace 

Stubbin’ a toe or losing a race 

We’re talking death, baby 

This ain’t just bein' over the hill 

It’s kickin’ the bucket 

Passing 

Passing away 

Passing away forever 

Being dead and buried 

The end 

It’s all over 

Done 

Gone and forgotten 

Like ya’ll ain’t ever even been here 

Ain’t coming back 

‘Cause I ain’t no mo 

142


We should be saying 

When I die 

Once I’m dead 

After my body is dead and buried 

After all of ma’ stuff has been givin’ away, sold, stolen or 

thrown in the dump 

After all who knew me are dead too 

After the last photo of me is lost or destroyed 

Goodbye now and forever 

Out of Here 

G. McLaird, February 23, 2010 

There probably was some fuss 

When I died 

Hopefully nobody lied 

Hopefully someone cried 

My life was a blessing 

Nothin’ much to cuss 

Will I be weavin’ my way through paradise 

Or will I still be a small piece of dust 

Will I be welcomed as a long lost brother 

Or never see nothin’ including father and mother 

Religious people know these answers 

But I’m think they’re superstitious and naïve 

143



Will it be over forever 

Or another chance to go somewhere else 

To breathe and breed 

So take this to heart readers galore 

No one knows what’s really in store 

So do what ya’ can to be helpful some more 

Kind to the animals ya’ happen to find 

Then, if there’s another place we go 

You’ll have some good will to show 

But if that’s a delusion 

Don’t worry 

We’ll never know 

Home 

G. McLaird 

I’m headin’ home 

And from what I can tell 

There’s only one door that leads that way 

I can’t arrive home 

Until I shed this body 

144


I could reach home today 

If I chose 

To kill my body 

In some foolproof way 

So far I’ve decided to not do that 

And stay 

Here a little longer 

To wonder and wander 

What’s next 

Maybe paradise 

Maybe eternal extinction 

Either way is ok 

In as much as I have no control over 

How is really is 

So, I’ll just set back 

And enjoy this ride 

In this comfort 

I abide 

145



146


APPENDIX C 

LIGHTS, CAMERA, MORTICIAN! 

THE RISE OF THE ‘FUN FUNERALS’ 

The following is selected from a HuffPost Religion 

web article by Jaweed Kaleem, posted 07/05/2014, used 

here with permission. 

“When a friend and fellow mortician died a decade 

ago, Teddy Lee received an unusual request. By 

most measures, the widow said, it was to be a standard 

Christian service, complete with prayers and 

promises of life after death. Except for one thing. 

“Would Lee, asked the widow, put on a little show? 

“Lee, who is also a magician, gladly obliged. On 

the day of the service, he stood in front of the 

mourners gathered in a Bronx sanctuary, held up a 

few pages of the New York Daily News, and then 

tore them methodically into pieces as he told a story 

of life and death. 

“It was "Torn and Restored," a classic beginner's 

magic trick done in countless talent shows and festivals 

– repurposed for death. 

147



“Lee, who long ago claimed the moniker "mortgician" 

in his AOL email address, wouldn't call 

himself a pioneer or part of any special movement 

in after-death care. But he's among many who are 

turning the idea of the solemn, sedate funeral on its 

head. 

“Call it the rise of the personalized ‘fun funeral.’ 

“The wide range of what's considered ‘creative’ or 

‘unusual’ when burying a loved one means there are 

little to no statistics on such practices, but industry 

experts say redesigning the standard funeral is increasingly 

popular. For the 2.5 million Americans 

who die each year, families are ‘making funeral decisions 

based on different values than previous generations,’ 

said Jessica Koth, a spokeswoman for the 

National Funeral Directors Association. 

“Cremations are now used in 43 percent of deaths, 

and environmentally friendly ‘green funerals’ are 

becoming more common. From customizing the 

casket to offering surprising music, costumes, 

themes and performances at the service, families are 

‘seeking experiences that are different than those 

they perceive as part of a 'traditional' funeral,’ said 

Koth. 

“Cultural, religious and political upheaval in the 

U.S. in the 1960s and 1970s led to more diverse 

views about death, noted Gary Laderman, a professor 

of religious studies at Emory University and author 

of Rest in Peace: A Cultural History of Death 

148


and the Funeral Home in Twentieth-Century 

America. For those who don't want the same old 

ceremony, there are others, like Lee, ready to help. 

“Last September, Kyle Tevlin, a part-time graphic 

designer, launched "I Want a Fun Funeral." The 

45-minute workshops she hosts at churches and 

community centers around Philadelphia are meant 

to show people that "funerals don't have to be cold 

and sterile," said Tevlin. 

“The events – she's held six so far – typically include 

a table of homemade tombstone cookies and 

handouts of ‘This Is the Awesome Funeral Plan of . 

. . ,’ a 30-page guide she asks attendees to fill out. It 

covers everything from how their body should be 

handled after death (buried, cremated or perhaps 

do-it-yourself "home funeral"?) and whether clergy 

should take part, to the kind of music, decorations 

and dress code they want. 

“Perhaps the man best-known for creating such personalized 

funerals is John Beckwith Jr. of Golden 

Gate Funeral Home in Dallas. Beckwith, whose 

business was catapulted to national fame on the 

TLC reality show "Best Funeral Ever," has overseen 

nearly ever kind of funeral during his 30 years in the 

field. The more memorable include a space alienthemed 

ceremony, another in which a casket was 

pushed down a bowling lane to knock over pins that 

spelled "R.I.P. JUDY," and one with a chocolatecovered 

casket for a man who had a big sweet 

tooth. 

149



"It's exciting how people are still celebrating life and 

not just disposing of the deceased," said Beckwith. 

"For the African-American community we serve, it 

all goes back to slavery and the homegoing tradition. 

When your life was so bad as a slave, you tried 

to have a celebratory funeral because the ones you 

loved were going to a better place in heaven and 

you were guiding them there." 

“Moreover, what seems bizarre to some 21stcentury 

Americans might be quite normal to people 

in other places or other times. The idea of a lively, 

even boisterous funeral is not entirely new. 

“Helping the living grieve is part of why we have 

funerals. 

"I never thought people would be interested in funeral 

magic," Lee, the mortgician, said. "But you 

see all kinds of families and you try your best to help 

them through the mourning. A little fun, a little 

trick can make a big difference.” 

Another resource is iwantafunfuneral.com 

* * * 

150


BEFORE YOU GO 

Other Books by George McLaird 

www.mclaird.com 

1000 + poems 

A Guide for Spiritual Living 

151



I Hear You’re Interested in Becoming a Mystic, 

Unpublished 

Artwork Copyright © 2015 Steve Jacobs 

I Hear You’re Contemplating Divorce 

152


I Hear You’re Engaged 

Extinction, An unpublished novel 

I Hear You're Afraid of Dying or Afraid Someone You Love 

Will Die Before You 

153



Parables About You, A Dozen Short Stories 

The Marriage Maze, McLaird’s Guide for the Journey 

154


Transformation is an Inside Job: The Internal University 

* * * 

155



156


INDEX 

3-AM friends, 102, 103 

A 

A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, 21 

actions (what actions would you take), iv, 21 

actions (justify our own . . . actions), 45 

addict, 39, 40 

addiction, 39, 40, 52, 75 

addiction counselor, 52 

affection, 47 

afraid, v, 14, 17, 24, 44, 54, 64, 66, 126 

afraid (I Hear You’re Afraid), v, 17, 64, 65, 73, 153 

afterlife, 14, 24, 54, 58, 60, 61, 133, 136 

aging, 66, 116, 124, 129, 131, 133 

‘Aging with Dignity,’ 116 

agnostic, 13 

alcohol, 40, 68 

alcohol recovery centers, 40 

Alexander, Dr. Eben, 58 

animal(s), 66, 144 

annihilation, 14 

anxiety, iv, 14, 17, 18, 19 

apology, 104 

Appendix A, vi, 14, 133 

Appendix B, vi, 60, 63, 135 

Appendix C, vi, 147 

art, viii, 32, 39, 43, 52, 53, 68, 70, 98, 109, 110, 130 

arts, (‘Mastering the Marital Arts,’ seminar for couples), 48, 68 

art therapy, art therapist, 52 

ASPCA (pet care and end of life), 67 

assessment (Personal Assessment), iv, 17 

157



atheist, 13 

aunts, 35, 50, 65 

autonomy (end-of-life), 32 

Autry, Gene, 89, 106 

B 

baby, 35, 50, 65, 142 

Baldwin, William J., 57 

body, 12, 13, 27, 90, 94, 98, 119, 129, 133, 134, 137, 143, 144, 149 

Borzendowski, Janice, 66, 67, 124 

Breed, Allen G., 109 

Broward Community College, 52 

Bulkley Avenue, 42 

Butler, Katy, 32, 124 

C 

CA, California ix, 15, 31, 34, 43, 68, 72, 73, 89, 97, 114, 129, 

cancer, 90, 94 

Cannelle, Jean-Pierre, 52 

Carter, Dr. Rev. Joan, 43 

Carter, Rosalyn, 95 

cat, 61, 66, 118, 124 

Celebration of Your Life, A, 87 

celebration of life, v, vi, vii, 25, 41, 50, 74, 93, 117, 124 

ceremony, iv, 23, 37, 39, 41, 42, 47, 87, 88, 92, 119, 149 

checklist, iv, 23, 110, 124, 125 

child, 34, 50, 60, 65, 75, 113, 118, 119, 120 

Child Development Institute, 120 

childhood, iv, 29, 76 

children, vi, viii, 14, 35, 38, 45, 50, 65, 76, 87, 94, 95, 117, 118, 119, 

120, 127, 130 

Chamberlain, Richard, ix 

Chinese, 43 

church(es), iv, vii, 41, 51, 72, 76, 85, 89, 94, 97, 99, 101, 104, 117, 

149 

158


clergy, clergyperson, 51, 102, 114, 149 

Cleveland Institute of Art, The, 52 

clinical counselor, 52 

Clinton, Hillary, 95 

colleague(s), 35, 50, 65, 100, 101 

college, 52, 74 

communities (faith-based, religious), 13 

community, 13, 52, 99, 102, 149, 150 

Compassion & Choices, 68, 69, 70, 71, 125 

Conger, Carolyn, 123 

congregation, 43, 81, 102, 139 

consciousness, 57, 58 

conversation(s), 14, 97, 119 

coronary artery stents, 11 

counselor(s), 45, 46, 51, 52, 103 

Creator of Existence, The, 60 

Cunningham, Carol, vii, 76, 111 

Cunningham, Charlie, 111 

D 

dance, dance(s), dancer, vii, 91, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 129, 

Death Cafe, 125, 126 

Death With Dignity Act, 70 

Death With Dignity, 73 

deceased, ix, 58, 74, 89, 90, 93, 101, 150 

DeMent, Iris, 76, 106 

dementia, 32 

departed, 58, 96 

Dickinson, Amy (Ask Amy), 95, 96 

divorce, vi, 45, 46, 48, 49, 51, 127, 152 

dog(s), 30, 37, 66, 67, 118, 124, 

dogma(s), 60 

dove, 47 

drug(s), 12, 40, 68 

159



dying, iv, v, vi, vii, 12, 13, 14, 17, 20, 24, 32, 37, 42, 54, 59, 70, 71, 73, 

94, 112, 116, 129, 130, 131, 133, 135, 153 

Dylan, Bob, 59, 69, 75 

E 

ecstatic Sufi, 100 

edicts, 60 

end of life, 31, 34, 67, 69, 70, 71, 73, 125 

End of Life Option Act, 31, 34, 73 

ER (Emergency Room), 76 

eternal, eternally, 14, 57, 60, 104, 135, 136, 145 

eulogy, 39 

euthanize, 30, 67 

extinct, extinction, 60, 104, 136, 145, 153 

Extinction, an unpublished novel, 153 

F 

Facebook, 85, 103, 140 

faith, faith-based, 13, 102, 127 

family, families, 29, 30, 32, 56, 58, 59, 66, 80, 87, 88, 98, 102, 103, 

119, 126, 128, 131, 139, 148, 150 

father(s), 29, 32, 55, 61, 62, 75, 76, 81, 88, 90, 95, 100, 104, 117, 118, 

119, 134, 139, 143, 

fear(s), 14, 24, 64, 66, 76, 112, 115, 134 

Ford, Betty, 95 

Friedman, Russell (with James John), The Grief Recovery Handbook, 127 

fundamentalist(s), 60, 152 

funeral(s), iv, v, vi, 25, 30, 38, 50, 87, 94, 96, 106, 110, 112, 117, 119, 

120, 124, 125, 126, 147, 148, 149, 150 

G 

gathering, 23, 97 

George, George McLaird, iii, vi, viii, 15, 29, 46, 72, 80, 94, 117, 118, 

121, 129, 135, 151 

160


Getting Divorced From Mother and Dad (No One Is To Blame), 51 

ghosts, 56 

Giesemann, Suzanne, 58 

gift(s), 38, 46, 47 

Gloria (sister), 29, 33, 117 

God, 60 

godlike, 135 

Godspeed, 76 

Gottman, John and Julie, 48 

Governor, 31, 34, 73 

Grace Cathedral, 97, 100 

Grammies, 59 

grandchildren, 87 

grandfather, 29 

grandmother(s), v, 39, 94 

grandparents, 35, 50, 65 

Grant, Viktor, viii 

gratitude, v, 24, 41,102, 134 

Great Mystery, 60 

Greater Self, 46, 59 

grief, 39, 53, 56, 125, 127, 128, 129, 131 

grieving, vi, 127 

guide, guidelines, v, 48, 74, 80, 124, 129, 149, 151, 154 

Guide for Spiritual Living, A, 129, 151 

H 

happy, happiness, 67, 81, 88, 131, 133, 139, 141 

Hawaii, Hawaiian, 91, 92 

health, healthy, 32, 33, 37, 39, 40, 48, 58, 64, 75, 79, 81, 84, 96, 121, 

127, 128, 133, 139 

healthcare, health care, 123, 128 

healthiest, 64 

heart, 32, 64, 114, 135, 144 

heart attack, 11, 29, 32 

High Anxiety, iv, 17 

161



Hoffman, Bob, 51, 114 

homegoing tradition, 150 

hope(s), 34, 48, 55, 56, 59, 60, 72, 75, 76, 94, 126, 133, 141 

Hospice, 119, 127 

How To Talk With Kids About Death, 120 

human(s), iv, 12, 30, 37, 40, 68, 140 

Huneke, Rev. Doug, vii 

Hundred Secret Senses, The, 55 

Hungary, 100 

husband, 35, 50, 53, 58, 65, 76, 80, 81, 98, 117, 138, 139 

I 

I Hear You’re Contemplating Divorce, 152 

I Hear You’re Engaged, 153 

I Hear You’re Contemplating Divorce, 46, 152 

I Hear You’re Interested in Becoming a Mystic, A Personal Journey From 

Fundamentalist to Mystic, 152 

illness(es), 30, 70, 71 

imam, 102 

‘Initiative 1000,’ 70 

J 

Jacobs, Steve, viii, 152 

Joanne, 97, 98, 99, 101 

John, James W. (with Russell Friedman), The Grief Recovery Handbook, 

127 

John, 48, 55, 113, 127, 149 

Johnson, Merryl, 89 

journey, 48, 121, 154 

Jr. High, 74 

judgment, 31, 34, 47, 73 

K 

Kaleem, Jaweed, 147 

162


L 

legislature, 31, 34, 73 

letter(s), v, 24, 46, 51, 57, 66, 72, 85, 95, 102, 103, 113, 114 

Levine, Stephen, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were 

Your Last, 21 

Lifespan calculator, 129 

lifetime, v, 37, 48, 57, 68, 129 

Linda, iii, 12, 49, 60, 89, 104, 137 

LinkedIn, 85, 103, 140 

Lindner, Gloria Jane McLaird (sister), iv, 29, 32, 33, 117, 119, 134 

liturgy, 43 

loss, (losses), iv, 24, 37, 39, 40, 67, 99, 118, 119, 128 

love, iv, v, 13, 14, 20, 24, 32, 34, 41, 47, 56, 58, 63, 64, 66, 68, 73, 75, 

91, 102, 112, 113, 115, 153 

loved one(s), 13, 24, 30, 32, 58, 70, 77, 99, 116, 119, 148 

Low Anxiety, iv, 19 

M 

manifesto, iv, 24, 27, 28, 129 

Margret, 75 

Markman, Howard, 48 

marriage(s), 45, 48, 49, 104, 154 

Marriage Maze, McLaird’s Guide for the Journey, The, 48, 154 

married, 35, 45, 50, 58, 65, 75, 81, 94, 139 

Mary, 75, 76, 100 

‘Mastering the Art of Spiritual Living,’ 39, 68 

‘Mastering the Marital Arts,’ 48 

Mathieu, Patrick, 26, 130, 

McKown, Brenda, vii 

McLaird, G., 62, 64, 116, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 142, 143, 144, 

145 

McLaird, George, vi, 15, 73, 118, 136, 153 

McLaird family, 29 

McLaird, Florence Elizabeth (Deitrick), iii, 29, 32 

McLaird, Linda Carol (Johnson), iii, 12, 49, 61, 89, 104, 137 

163



medical school, 74 

mediumship, 57, 59 

memorial, iv, v, vi, vii, 24, 25, 30, 37, 39, 40, 49, 50, 60, 62, 68, 74, 76, 

87-90, 93, 94, 95, 97-101, 104-110, 117, 124, 125, 135, 140 

mind, 12, 13, 57 

mini-tributes, 24 

miracle, 56 

Moderate Anxiety, v, 18 

Mom, 33, 62, 77, 117 

Monhoff, Lisa, vii 

Montana, 33 

mortality, iv, 14, 24, 27, 28, 130, 133 

Mortality Manifesto Pledge, iv, 24, 27, 28 

‘Most Profound Mystery in the Universe,’ 58 

mother, iv, 29, 32, 33, 41, 51, 61, 62, 76, 77, 87, 88, 94, 96, 104, 117, 

119, 129, 143 

Mt. Tam (Mt. Tamalpais), 89 

Mowry, Rev. Paul, vii, 

Muir Beach, 97 

mystery, 58, 59, 106 

mystery plays, 59 

N 

nephews, 35, 50, 65 

New Mexico, 33 

New Testament Scripture, 47 

nieces, 34, 50, 65 

Novato, CA, vii, 99 

O 

Obama, Michelle, 95 

obituary, v, 24, 79, 80, 81, 82, 84, 85, 86, 110, 138, 139 

Olson, David, 48 

Opposite of Fate, The, vii, 54 

Oregon, 33 

164


O’Malley, Patrick, 129 

P 

panic, 14, 67, 113 

Parables About You, A dozen short stories, 154 

paralyzed, 29, 33 

parents, iii, 35, 37, 38, 50, 62, 65, 115 

parish ministry, 68 

partner(s), 35, 45, 47, 50, 58, 65, 112, 114, 123 

Pastor, vii, 13, 30, 41, 43, 69, 72, 94, 102, 104 

Persian, 101 

Peter, 55 

pets, 30, 35, 37, 50, 65, 66, 67 

Petty, A. J., vii 

Phelan, Jackie, 76, 111 

Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST), 70 

physician-assisted, 68, 69 

poems (by George McLaird), v, vi, viii, 49, 59, 60, 63, 104, 135, 151 

poetry, 52 

polio, 33 

population, 12, 66 

prayer(s), 48, 141, 147 

preacher(s), 60, 81, 139 

preparations, 13, 23, 121, 130 

Presbyterian, iv, vii, 13, 30, 41, 69, 72, 76, 89, 94, 104, 113 

Presbytery, 85 

presence, 47, 48, 118, 129 

progressive theology, 104 

psychiatrist, 51 

psychologist, 51 

psychology, psychologically, 51, 128 

psychotherapy, 52 

psychotherapist, 129 

R 

rabbi, 102, 129, 133 

165



Reagan, Nancy, 95 

recovery, 39, 40, 68, 75, 127 

reincarnation, 57 

relationship(s), iv, 36, 45, 47, 48, 49, 58, 90, 103, 115 

religion, 13, 147 

religious, vii, 13, 24, 25, 87, 90, 130, 143, 148 

resurrection, 49 

Rev. Doug Huneke, ix 

Rev. George McLaird, 72 

Rev. Kent Webber, vii 

Rev. Paul Mowry, vii 

reverence, 100 

Right To Die, 72 

ritual(s), 39, 43, 87, 99, 

Roberts, Cokie, 95 

Romanowsky, Hannah, vii, 97-101, 129 

Ross, Elizabeth, 129 

Rover, 30 

S 

San Francisco, 43 

San Francisco Bay, 89 

sanctuary, 41, 43, 147 

Sausalito, iv, vii, 41, 42, 72, 76, 85, 89, 94, 104, 112 

Sausalito Presbyterian Church, SPC, vii, ix, 41, 51, 72, 76, 89, 94, 

104 

Sausalito Woman’s Club, iv, 41, 42, 

SBNR (Spiritual But Not Religious), 13, 90, 130 

schoolmates, 35, 50, 65 

Scott, Ericha Hitchcock, 52, 129, 130 

Scott, Simon, 129 

Sean, iii, 33, 43, 44, 104 

séance, 57 

self-education, 60 

seminar, vii, 48 

166


seminary, 85, 104 

Senate, 31, 34, 72, 73 

service(s), iv, v, vi, vii, 23, 24, 25, 30, 37, 39, 40, 43, 49, 50, 60, 62, 68, 

70, 74, 76, 87-90, 93, 94, 95, 97-101, 104-110, 115, 117, 120, 124, 

125, 135, 140, 147, 148 

Schachter-Shalomi, Rabbi Zalman, 129, 139 

Shakespeare, 58 

Schadowsky, Shelly, viii 

Shoobert, Elizabeth, 42 

Sinatra, Frank, 106 

Sinclair, Robin, viii, 106 

sister(s), iv, 29, 33, 47, 77, 117, 119, 134 

skeptic, 13 

slideshow, v, 24, 105 

Smart Marriages, 48 

Sollee, Diane, 48 

son, iii, 33, 43, 63, 104, 129 

soul(s), 99, 101 

Sperry, Lydia, 42 

spirit, 12, 98, 99, 104 

spiritual, spiritually, 13, 39, 51, 59, 68, 90, 100, 101, 102, 104, 129, 

130, 151 

spiritual advisor, 102 

spiritual director, 51 

spiritual living, 39, 68, 104, 129, 151 

statistics, 12, 148 

Story, Nellie, 42 

Strauss, Sharon, x 

stroke, 29, 32, 33, 43, 126 

Sufi, 100, 101 

Sufism, 101 

Sugin, iii 

suicide, 68, 69, 71 

superstitions, 64 

support(s), supportive, 47, 59, 69, 69, 70, 72, 119, 125 

167



T 

Tagore, Rabindranath, ix 

Talking To Children About Death, 119, (when to talk to children 

about death), vi, 38, 117 

TAM (Total Arteriolosclerosis Management), 11 

Tan, Amy, vii, 55 

TED talk, 55, 128 

The Humane Society of the United States, 66 

theological, 60 

theology, 104 

therapeutic writing(s), iv, 46, 51, 52, 54, 57, 59, 60, 113, 113 

therapeutic, 46, 52, 60, 113, 114 

Tiffany, William, 42 

Total Arteriolosclerosis Management, 11 

tradition(s), 13, 101, 150 

traditional, traditionally, 13, 85, 87, 110, 148 

trauma, 114 

traumatic, 29, 30, 44, 45, 64 

U 

uncle(s), 35, 50, 65, 112, 113 

unfinished business, vi, 24, 57, 112, 114, 115 

United States, 66, 97 

Unity Church, Novato, 99 

University of Denver, 48 

V 

Van Morrison, 106 

Vermont, 33 

video, v, 103, 105, 106, 127 

Virtue, Doreen, 58 

W 

Washington (state), 33, 69, 70, 95, 125 

168


Washington Advance Directive, 70 

Webber, Rev. Kent, vii 

wedding(s), 39, 43, 55 

Weiss, Brian, Messages from the Masters: Tapping into the Power of Love, 58 

Wendeheart, Alexander, ix 

Wexman, Dr. Mark, 11 

widow, 58, 147 

wife, iii, 12, 35, 37, 45, 48, 50, 60, 62, 65, 77, 80, 89, 90, 117, 137, 

139 

will (legal), 96, 116 

woman, 44, 46, 91, 98, 100, 112, 113, 118 

Wood, Ella, 42 

workaholic, 12 

World Odometers Info, 12 

worldwide, 12, 127 

worship, 43, 97 

www.compassionandchoices.org, 33, 68, 72 

www.mortalitymanifesto.com, 27, 129 

www.obitsforlife.com/records/list, 86 

www.sausalitopres.org, 85 

Y 

YouTube, 106, 128 

Z 

Zoroastrian, 101 

Zumba, 55, 97 

169

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