Volume 09

worthless and wondering if I’d made a huge
mistake - that’s when the ugliest parts of me
came out to play. Isolation can make a person
bitter like that.
This phase of culture shock has been dubbed
the Irritability or Disintegration stage. Everything
is wrong. Everything is backwards.
You feel like an elitist, uppity jerk for being
so affected by things that you used to love
about the host culture, but you can’t help
it. You begin to idealize your home culture,
where everything made sense.
I’m not the only person to experience this
negative reaction (which is good, because
I thought I was going crazy.) According to
studies, the disintegration phase is a normal,
healthy reaction because it shows that
the traveler is really adjusting to the host
culture, as well as reevaluating and staying
connected to core values of self and home.
Many travelers go through this process. But
that didn’t change the fact that around this
stage, I spent a solid three months feeling
like a perpetual asshole.
It was hard not to, constantly finding fault
with the country that had opened its doors
to me. I polarized between anger and depression,
all the while feeling confused and alone,
even though I had many people around me,
especially my boyfriend, who cared and clearly
wanted me to feel comfortable. I kept my
grievances to myself, but I didn’t know why
they were grievances in the first place. Many
of the cultural differences I now hated were
differences I used to love about Chile on previous
visits. I felt ashamed of my feelings and
pushed myself harder to feel at home, which
only made it worse.
Though I’m past one hundred thousand
miles, I’m feeling very still…
This brings me to now, circa five months
into my trip and just now coming out of
the moon’s shadow. Things are better. This is
when my adjustment or reemergence phase is
occurring. Some days, I receive a faint beeping
signal that I am almost around the far side
of the moon. I see a hint of light on the horizon.
Making friends. A possible job. Easier
communication with the locals. Moving into
a new house. I go for the light but remember
what I learned about myself in the darkness.
I’m not fully assimilated and some aspects
of the culture still feel strange, but I’m rediscovering
my relationship to this country
and its culture. The two sides of me, the US
side and the Chile side, are slowly learning
how to be good roommates, how to accommodate
each other and celebrate each other’s
differences and accept the other without
judgement and with love and appreciation.
It’s a slow process that can’t be rushed. No
one can force themselves to feel at home
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