The Crocodile UF - April 2016 - Pollenpocalypse

EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG
CAUSES NEW PHYSICS
BUILDING TO DISAPPEAR
An unexplainable physical phenomena has
caused the New Physics Building by the
Commuter Lot to completely disappear,
said everyone with eyes nearby.
Agrippa
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
Dr. Carl Nagas, a particle physicist on staff at
the university, was reportedly working on a classified
project dealing with the nuances of quarks
and electromagnetic forces when a sudden instability
in his experiment caused the whole operation
to go haywire.
“At first, beakers, pens, and other random
objects started to be zapped up from around the
lab, but as the anomaly continued, it got a hold of
more and more until eventually the whole building
had just disappeared!” Said Marcus Croonley, the
sole surviving witness of the disaster.
“It even got that stray tabby that lived in
the basement, poor thing.”
Nearby motorists stuck in the snarled traffic all up
and down Gale Lemerand and Museum watched in
awe as the entire building abruptly vanished from
sight.
Carrie Wortherby, one of the dozens of
people who got out of their car to watch the scene
unfold, hysterically told Crocodile reporters what
she saw.
“It’s like a giant demon just took the whole
building and every soul with it,
as if it was acting as a giant garbage man!” She
said.
“Makes sense that red-haired gal made it
out though, about time it worked in a gingers
favor to have no soul.”
Amongst the rubble-strewn dirt field that
remained after the power went out and the
out-of-control experiment ended were bits of
organic material, shards of building debris, and
one perfectly intact Macbook Pro with a “Don’t
Worry, Be Happy” sticker placed prominently on
the lid.
The world’s top scientists had no explanation
for the occurrence. The leading hypothesis,
put forth by scientific luminaries such as Neil
Degrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking is that a
localized black hole swallowed up the building, yet
nobody knows if the end of the experiment signified
the end of unusual activity on site.
“At least it ended my exam in that
hellish lecture hall,”
One nearby student remarked.
“I’m glad it’s gone but I’m going to be sad
those little whisper-across-the-room-disc-things
are gone.”
We have at least six teams of lawyers at any given time. April 2016 | 25