The Crocodile UF - April 2016 - Pollenpocalypse
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HOROSCOPES<br />
ARIES<br />
Don’t eat that lollipop from<br />
the floor even though it still<br />
has the wrapper on it. You’re<br />
better than that<br />
LEO<br />
Grades are just a number.<br />
So are your student loans.<br />
SAGITTARIUS<br />
Don’t buy into what they tell you<br />
on TV. <strong>The</strong>re are hidden<br />
shipping and handling charges<br />
on that Magic Bullet!<br />
TAURUS<br />
Do not try to bend the<br />
spoon, that would be<br />
impossible. Instead, try to<br />
realize the truth; there is no<br />
spoon.<br />
VIRGO<br />
Hold on, I’m out of Tarot<br />
cards. Is that the same thing<br />
as horoscopes anyway?<br />
CAPRICORN<br />
Despite what your study<br />
abroad trip might make you<br />
think, you do not have a<br />
British accent after only 6<br />
weeks.<br />
LIBRA<br />
You will buy a brand new<br />
cell phone, but then drop it.<br />
It will get a tiny scratch that<br />
no one else will notice but<br />
will plague your thoughts<br />
for the next two years.<br />
GEMINI<br />
I mean you could walk all<br />
the way to Taco Bell on<br />
University for lunch but let’s<br />
be serious, you’re going to<br />
regret it in more ways than<br />
one.<br />
AQUARIUS<br />
Your mom definitely won’t<br />
mind that you spend a few<br />
hundred dollars on music<br />
festival tickets. It’s your<br />
actions that disappoint her,<br />
not your taste in music.<br />
CANCER<br />
Just because you’re lactose<br />
intolerant doesn’t mean you<br />
can’t have fun.<br />
SCORPIO<br />
Using words like “punitive<br />
action” and “don’t talk to me<br />
or my son ever again” just<br />
make you sound like a jerk.<br />
PISCES<br />
Today, you will read a<br />
<strong>Crocodile</strong> article. Ha, that one<br />
will definitely come true!<br />
We thought of this text like 2 hours before we printed! <strong>April</strong> <strong>2016</strong> | 29
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