UR IT Magazine November 2015

Q
I followed this when I voted for a friend in a contest. Since
I’m here and your posts are always on my page and you’re
a woman’s magazine, why are women so crazy? Seriously, they
are happy one minute mean the next, nothings good enough, you
don’t listen, and then when you ask while listening, it’s none of
your business. What do you women want?
A
Dear Clueless,
I’m assuming that since you took the time to submit this question,
you are writing not to be an asshole, but because you have a sincere
interest in understanding women. While I do not presume to speak
for all women, the way you are (hopefully) not speaking for all men,
I offer the following guidance:
First, I would suggest you stop going around calling women crazy.
Calling someone, or a group of people, a derogatory term, is
a conversation stopper, not a conversation starter. If you truly
want to engage with women, coming from a place of interest, not
judgement, is always helpful. And, on a PC note, mental illness is a
serious issue, which millions of people (men and women) struggle
with, so throwing around the “crazy” word just isn’t cool.
Another possible issue is the women you are dealing with. Just as
another reader (see “Jerk-Magnet”) misplaced her “jerk-filter”, and
has let a lot of sub-par men into her life, perhaps you have misplaced
your “crazy-filter”, and are letting some mentally unhealthy
women into your life. I will agree with you on one point - you should
not be expected to be a mind-reader. Open communication is the
key to any healthy relationship, game-playing is the road to disaster.
That being said, women often get frustrated when we feel like we
have to tell men EVERYTHING. For example, if it’s my birthday, I
shouldn’t have to tell you to get me flowers, you should know me
well enough to know that is something I like and would appreciate.
Constantly having to give direction to a partner is annoying and
exhausting. A little bit of attentiveness goes a long way.
If you consistently find yourself in these situations, an open,
honest conversation with your partner is the easiest way to get
back on track. In a compassionate, non-judgmental tone, ask her,
“How can we communicate better so we do not get so frustrated
with each other? What are some things you need from me that
you feel like you’re not getting?” And follow-up by expressing what
your needs are - for a relationship to work, it has to work for both
people. It is also important that you both listen to each other’s
feelings without getting defensive. When you are having a conversation
and preparing in your head your defense against what the
other person is saying, you are not listening, you are engaging in
relationship warfare, and completely missing the point of having
the conversation in the first place.
And finally, I highly recommend the book, “Mars and Venus on a
Date” by John Gray. It’s an oldie, but goodie on how women and
men work. I believe it is co-authored with his wife, so a perspective
from each gender is represented.
Good luck on your quest in finding a satisfying relationship!
Christy
B eck Psychotherapy
Q&A WITH CHRISTY FROM BECK PSYCHOTHERAPY 5