Huckleberry Press 063016

Page 14 Huckleberry Press June 30, 2016
FRESH CHUCKLEBERRIES!
Warning! Not to be taken internally, literally, or seriously!
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.” -- Anonymous
“Laughter
is the shortest distance
between two people.”
~ Victor Borge
DOES IT ONLY COME
IN BLACK?
My five-year-old son
is crazy about cars, so I
took him to his first car
show. He loved seeing all
the different models and
brands and gushed over
the big engines, the colors,
and even the wheels. But
the car he was most impressed
with was a hearse.
“Mom!” he shouted.
“Look at all this storage!”
CHICKEN JOKE
Q: Why did the
chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other
side.
CLUCK LIFE
Q: Why does a chicken
coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it
would be a chicken sedan.
SO… WHAT IS IT?
Q: What do you call
a parade of rabbits hopping
backwards?
A: a receding hareline.
WHAT DO YOU-
CALL…
Q: What do you call
an old snowman?
A: Water!
WHAT THE HECK
Q: What does Charles
Dickens keep in his spice
rack?
A: The best of
thymes, the worst of
thymes.
CATS AND COMMAS
Q: What’s the different
between a cat and a
comma?
A: A cat has claws at
the end of paws; A comma
is a pause at the end of a
clause.
ABOUT ARTISTS
Q: Why do artists
constantly feel cold?
A: Because they’re
surrounded by drafts.
JURASSIC
Q: Which dinosaur
knew the most words?
A: The thesaurus.
KIDS
Dr. J. Sloetjes, Fort
McMurray, CN
After cleaning my
five-year-old patient’s
teeth, I accompanied him
to the reception area, only
to see him struggle with
the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?”
I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is
that so children can’t escape?”
NEW INVENTION!
I was visiting a
friend who could not find
her cordless phone. After
several minutes of searching,
her young daughter
said, “You know what they
should invent? A phone
that stays connected to its
base so it never gets lost.”
MATURE FUN
As I was treating my
daughter and her family to
the buffet at a casino, all
the bells and whistles for a
winning slot machine began
to go off.
My seven-yearold
grandson was awed.
“Wow!” yelled Casey.
“This is like Chuck E.
Cheese for old people.”
BEING TESTED
When my eight-yearold
asked how I knew I
was pregnant, I told her
I had taken a pregnancy
test. “Oh,” she said. “What
questions were on the
test?”
HOPING FOR
THE BEST
My second graders
were assigned the task of
writing thank-you cards
to soldiers serving in the
Middle East. One of them
wrote, “Thank you for protecting
us! I hope we win!”
REASON FOR
RETURN
I was at the customer-service
desk, returning
a pair of jeans that was too
tight.
“Was anything
wrong with them?” the
clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They
hurt my feelings.”
MYSTERY SOLVED!
My collection of vintage
kitchen utensils includes
one whose intended
purpose was always a mystery.
It looks like a cross
between a metal slotted
spoon and a spatula, so I
use it as both. When not in
use, it is prominently displayed
in a decorative ceramic
utensil caddy in my
kitchen.
The mystery of the
spoon/spatula was recently
solved when I found one in
its original packaging at a
rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
COFFEE SHOP
When asked for his
name by the coffee shop
clerk, my brother-in-law
answered, “Marc, with a
C.”
Minutes later, he was
handed his coffee with his
name written on the side:
Cark.
HE CAN FLY, BUT…
A woman called our
airline customer-service
desk asking if she could
take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as
long as you provide
your own kennel.” I further
explained that the
kennel needed to be large
enough for the dog to stand
up, sit down, turn around,
and roll over.
The customer was
flummoxed: “I’ll never be
able to teach him all of that
by tomorrow!”
PIZZA PERILS
A Twitter exchange
between an angry customer
and an apologetic
Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Soooo I
ordered a Pizza & it came
with no Toppings on it or
anything, It’s Just Bread!
Domino’s: We’re sorry
to hear about this!
Customer (minutes
later): Never mind, I
opened the pizza upside
down :/
TALKING
SHEEPDOG
After a talking
sheepdog gets all the
sheep in the pen, he
reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36
sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the
sheepdog. “But I rounded
them up.”
CAT THUG LIFE
My cat just walked
up to the paper shredder
and said, “Teach me everything
you know.”
BESTED BY A BIRD
Wandering inside a
pet store, I stopped in front
of a birdcage to admire a
parakeet. We watched each
other for a few minutes before
it asked, “Can’t you
talk?”
TOUGH QUESTION
By George Carlin
What should you do
when you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered
plant?
MAKE IT TWO
A zookeeper is ordering
new animals. As he
fills out the forms, he types
“two mongeese.” That
doesn’t look right, so he
tries “two mongoose,” then
“two mongooses.” Giving
up, he types, “One mongoose,
and while you’re at
it, send another one.”
IT’S A ZOO OUT
THERE!
When a zoo’s gorilla
dies, the zookeeper hires
an actor to don a costume
and act like an ape until the
zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor
makes faces, swings
around, and draws a huge
crowd. He then crawls
across a partition and atop
the lion’s cage, infuriating
the animal. But the actor
stays in character—until
he loses his grip and falls
into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor
shouts, “Help! Help me!”
Too late.
The lion pounces,
opens its massive jaws,
and whispers, “Shut up!
Do you want to get us both
fi r e d?!”
Mental Health and Chemical Dependency Treatment
Chemical
Dependency
(CD)
Chewelah (CD/MH) 935-4808
Colville (CD/MH) 684-4597 or 1-866-708-4597
Davenport (CD/MH) 725-3001 or 1-888-725-3001
Nine Mile Falls (MH by appt only) 262-0396
Republic (CD/MH) 775-3341 or 1-866-807-7131
*Mental Health After Hours Emergencies*
1-888-380-6823
Mental
Health
(MH)
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