BeatRoute Magazine Alberta print e-edition - February 2017

THE VIDIOT
rewind to the future
by Shane Sellar
The Accountant
Blair Witch
Deepwater Horizon
Ouija: The Origin of Evil
When the Bough Breaks
The Accountant
The worst part of being an accountant is that your
friends always ask for free audits.
That is exactly why the bookkeeper in this thriller
chooses not to have any.
Despite his autism, Christian (Ben Affleck) grows
up to become the most sought-after bean counter
in the underworld. Dispatched to his clients via a
disembodied voice, his latest audit is of a reputable
robotics firm.
Alongside the company’s internal accountant
(Anna Kendrick), Christian uncovers the misappropriation
of millions. Their findings, however, only end
up making both CPA’s the target of a hired gun (Jon
Bernthal).
Fortunately, Christian’s military upbringing has
made him a proficient killer himself.
While the concept of a special needs anti-hero is
highly laughable, the kinetic action, frequent plot
twists and stone-faced Affleck help this unorthodox
actioner overcome its minor infirmities – like
plausibility.
Incidentally, having autism would actually make
accountants more interesting people to talk to.
The Birth of a Nation
If it weren’t for slavery, America would have been just
another Upper Canada.
However, this historical drama contends that without
slavery there would be no United States at all.
In order to assist his impoverished master Samuel
Turner (Armie Hammer), well-educated slave Nat
Turner (Nate Parker) agrees to preach the good
word at neighbouring plantations. This act not only
serves to sooth any agitated slaves, but to also line his
master’s pockets.
Having to bear witness to all of the inhumanities
ignites a rebellious flame in Nat, and soon his
sermons turn to declarations of mutiny against their
slave masters.
A powerful and poignant depiction of the real life
1831 slave revolt that ravaged Virginia, this debut by
controversial director Nate Parker may accentuate
the story slightly but still delivers an impactful and
stirring message.
Furthermore, the best strategy against southern
slavers is to first cut off their mint julep supply.
Blair Witch
The first thing you should do when lost in the woods
is head to the nearest house made of candy.
Regrettably, the hikers in this horror movie head
to a dilapidated cottage.
When footage of his missing sister surfaces on
the Internet, James (James Allen McCune) heads to
Burkittsville to retrace her sojourn into the haunted
forest.
Accompanied by a documentary film student
(Callie Hernandez), a pair of locals (Valorie Curry,
Wes Robinson) and his two friends (Corbin Reid,
Brandon Scott), James sets off in search of the cabin
where the initial Blair Witch Project footage was
found 20-years before.
The unwanted follow-up to the godfather of the
found-footage subgenre, this long gestating sequel
should have stayed in limbo. Relying on the same
shaky-cam scares that helped the original only makes
this sequel feel like a repetitive remake.
Moreover, witch in the woods rumours are usually
started by grow-ops.
Deepwater Horizon
The best part about offshore drilling is that you get
to wear your swimsuit to work.
Mind you, the rig crew in this drama should’ve
worn flame retardant trunks.
When drill crew captains Mike Williams (Mark
Wahlberg) and Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) board
Deepwater Horizon, they discover the proper safety
measures have not been taken to stabilize the well.
Concerned, they urge their BP rep (John Malkovich)
to authorize a pressure test.
Shortly after the test commences, there is a
massive explosion. Now Mike must evacuate his
team (Dylan O’Brien, Gina Rodriguez) before the rig
collapses.
Inspired by the 2010 BP oil spill, this harrowing survival
story is certainly heart pounding and inspiring.
However, the human component feels aggrandized,
while the environmental devastation has been minimized
for the sake of high-octane entertainment.
Even worse, under maritime law all oil spilt into
the ocean automatically becomes the property of
the mer-people.
Inferno
With all of its homophobes, suicide bombers and
televangelists, who would ever want to end up in
Heaven?
Which might be why the Harvard professor in this
thriller is exploring the alternative.
Linguist lecturer Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks)
wakes up in an Italian hospital with a bullet wound
and memory loss. When the assassin (Ana Ularu)
shows up to finish the job, a nurse (Felicity Jones)
helps Langdon escape.
The pair later locates a coded painting of Dante’s
Inferno that they must decode in order to stop an
overzealous biologist (Ben Foster) from releasing a
doomsday virus.
The third entry in the religious text deciphering
series, this installment maintains the globetrotting
appeal but loses the pious intrigue in exchange for
scattershot action scenes, a heavily altered ending
and two hollow performances that border on
ham-fisted.
Moreover, there is no God that approves of Langdon
cavorting with a younger woman.
Keeping Up With the Joneses
The worst thing about living next-door to a spy is
everything they lend you releases knockout gas.
Mind you, noxious fumes aren’t needed to convince
the wary couple in this action-comedy.
From the day the Joneses (Jon Hamm, Gal Gadot)
moved next-door, the Gaffneys (Zach Galifianakis,
Isla Fisher) have been suspicious of their good looks
and enviable careers. It’s not until they discover a
listening device in their home that they suspect the
couple of being secret agents.
With their cover now blown, the Joneses agree to
partner with the bumbling Gaffneys to accomplish
their mission: delivering missile defensive Intel to an
arms dealer (Patton Oswalt).
With a weak premise and an unrecognizably svelte
Galifianakis, this suburban spy-spoof struggles to
find laughs in its capable cast. The action portion is
equally tepid.
Another telltale sign your neighbour is a spy: all
the books they borrow you have been redacted.
Ouija: Origin of Evil
The best thing about communing with the dead
through an Ouija board today is they all communicate
in abbreviations.
In the sixties, however, specters, like the ones in
this horror movie, had to actually spell complete
words.
Single mother and sham spiritualist Alice (Elizabeth
Reaser) uses her daughters to help swindle her
clients during staged séances by pretending to be
their relatives.
When Alice adds a spirit board to the act her
youngest (Lulu Wilson) starts to actually channel
entities in the home, including her father. Meanwhile,
the eldest (Annalise Basso) seeks help from a priest
(Henry Thomas).
Despite being a sequel, this frightful follow-up surpasses
the forgettable original in all aspects. Filling in
the blanks from the first, Origin of Evil also explores
some interesting new themes concerning the afterlife
while maintaining ample scares.
Incidentally, Ouija boards are only good for
reprimanding dead relatives over the pittance they
bequeathed you.
When the Bough Breaks
The easiest way for a childless couple to get a baby is
to hang around a Walmart washroom.
Unfortunately, the parents in this psychological
thriller impregnated a surrogate instead.
Unsuccessful in their attempts to conceive, John
(Morris Chestnut) and Laura (Regina Hall) ultimately
decide to fertilize another woman’s eggs in order to
start their family.
While their proxy Anna (Jaz Sinclair) appears to be
the perfect choice, she soon develops an unhealthy
attraction towards John that finds her driving a
duplicitous wedge between the couple that could
not only cost them their unborn child, but also their
own lives.
A glorified Lifetime movie masquerading as a
major motion picture, this substandard melodrama
even lacks the tautness and titillation needed to be a
movie of the week. Low on ingenuity and craziness,
this psycho stranger story fails at being bad.
Besides, if the surrogate wants you dead won’t
your baby inherit that bloodlust?
He’s a Self-Preservation Officer. He’s the…
Vidiot
FILM
BEATROUTE • FEBRUARY 2017 | 15