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13<br />
How to: cure a hangover<br />
S<br />
pend the evening in charming<br />
company. Drink cheap beer and<br />
expensive whisky and cider from<br />
Sweden. Solve all the worlds problems.<br />
Dance in your chairs. Tell each other all<br />
your stories until you run out and have<br />
to tell all of your secrets. Laugh until you<br />
cry and leave be<strong>for</strong>e you get thrown out.<br />
The radio will play your songs all the way<br />
home.<br />
Fall into bed in your clothes. Sleep<br />
soundly <strong>for</strong> two hours and then fitfully<br />
<strong>for</strong> another two. Be unable to get back<br />
to sleep after 6am. Using only one eye,<br />
check your horoscope from your phone.<br />
Make sure to cross-reference it with<br />
the Person You Have a Crush On’s to<br />
see if today will bode well <strong>for</strong> positive<br />
vibrations between you. This will also<br />
enable you to feel closer to them in the<br />
likely event that you are not speaking/<br />
they do not know you exist. Feel free to<br />
assume a more preferable horoscope if<br />
yours is no good. It is important not to<br />
dwell on things when you are in your<br />
condition. Get the hell out of bed.<br />
It is critical that you ignore<br />
your hangover at this stage.<br />
Any attention given to it will<br />
only increase its power.<br />
This phase is called ‘Action’. Clean your<br />
kitchen with great focus. This will serve<br />
you later in the day when your hangover<br />
evolves. Only when your kitchen is<br />
spotless should you allow yourself pause,<br />
albeit briefly, to swear and hold your<br />
face in your hands and vow never again.<br />
Now snap out of it. Make an enormous<br />
cup of very sweet tea and wait until it is<br />
lukewarm be<strong>for</strong>e drinking it. Your body<br />
will be very sensitive to liquids at this<br />
stage, so you need something nonthreatening.<br />
DO NOT SIT DOWN. If you<br />
stop moving in these early stages you<br />
will never get up again. Think of your<br />
constant action as penance <strong>for</strong> poisoning<br />
your temple.<br />
It is now very important that you<br />
go and swim in a very cold ocean.<br />
Make it happen. March in with great<br />
determination. Do not pussyfoot around.<br />
The hardest part will be<br />
submerging your bits – this will<br />
be unpleasant but it will take<br />
your mind off your hangover.<br />
Get your head under. What you are<br />
doing here is confusing your body into<br />
not knowing which of the horrors it is<br />
experiencing is worse. The cold or the<br />
hangover. The cold will win, I promise.<br />
The longer you are able to stay in the<br />
freezing water, the less hungover you<br />
will feel. This is science. When your body<br />
is pleasantly numb exit the water. Again,<br />
it is important that you do not stop yet.<br />
Drink the entire bottle of water you have<br />
brought with you and drive directly to<br />
the supermarket in your togs.<br />
Do your grocery shopping. Productivity is<br />
the perfect thing <strong>for</strong> you in this state. The<br />
key to this, again, is DO NOT STOP.<br />
You are a perfect, unfeeling<br />
robot of efficiency right now.<br />
Keep it moving.<br />
The next phase is called ‘Peckish’. Once<br />
you have finished your grocery shopping,<br />
reward yourself with a very cold coke<br />
with lots of ice. It is important to keep<br />
your body thoroughly chilled. This will<br />
not only serve in assisting you to burn<br />
off all the calories of the alcohol you<br />
consumed, it will keep you at maximum<br />
freshness. By this stage of your hangover<br />
you will be ready to eat something. Keep<br />
in mind however, that once you begin<br />
eating today, you will not be able to stop.<br />
You will get stuck in that endless quest<br />
<strong>for</strong> the food item or product that will fix<br />
you. No such thing exists. Bake a cake.<br />
Eat a huge meal. Eat a tiny meal. Have a<br />
snack. Eat an orange. None of this will<br />
fulfil you. But it is part of the process.<br />
Now you are in the final phase; ‘Reward’.<br />
You got up…and cleaned your kitchen!<br />
You went swimming…in the ocean! You<br />
went and did the groceries…on a Sunday<br />
morning! All with a raging hangover!<br />
You are so good! Look at you! You are a<br />
saint. You are now In Credit. Send a few<br />
messages you’d usually regret…if you<br />
weren’t so virtuous! Eat the entire cake<br />
STUDENT HACKS<br />
• Buy tortillas. Use<br />
tortillas as plates. Eat<br />
plates. Wash nothing.<br />
• Strategically place<br />
single M&Ms on your<br />
textbook, at the end<br />
of each paragraph. Eat<br />
once you’ve read the<br />
paragraph as a reward.<br />
Addtional bonus: never<br />
sleep again!<br />
• Purchase a small McDs<br />
fries. Eat half and return<br />
them, stating they’re<br />
cold. You’ll gain a fresh,<br />
full bag of fries. They<br />
know what you’re doing<br />
but who cares.<br />
• Put a blue ink cartridge<br />
in a red pen. No one ever<br />
steals a red pen.<br />
• Microwave broken? Put<br />
your saveloys in the jug<br />
and boil it. You can use<br />
the sauce you pocketed<br />
from McDs, you fries<br />
fraudster.<br />
you baked…because you have exercised!<br />
Make an elaborate dinner…because you<br />
did the groceries! And finally collapse in<br />
a heap…because you haven’t stopped<br />
all day!<br />
Try it out and report back your findings.<br />
Good luck and good livers.<br />
By Alice Andersen<br />
www.ourtinylandscapes.com<br />
How to Student<br />
Week 1
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