I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse the author wishes to remain anonymous. Image by John William Waterhouse, 1903.
"my energies are being directed into recovery, not regret ." L I use that ‘transformational language’ deliberately… it would be so much easier to say I am a ‘victim’, but my energies are being directed into recovery, not regret. It has been hard beyond words: frightening, destructive, damaging and absolutely confusing, and if you’ve been in a relationship with someone simila, you’ll know what I mean. Looking back I can’t understand how I got into the relationship but that’s the point. The warning signs were all there; we were completely incompatible and many friends alerted me to this. However, one of the first strategies is to ‘lovebomb’, and lovebomb me he did. I was overwhelmed by such tender, loving, generous displays of emotion: it was impossible not to become deeply attracted to him, and in time, dependent on him as the centre of my world. This was exactly what he wanted. Soon, it was too late. It’s always hard to identify a tipping point; the moment it all goes wrong; but within a year, the relationship was in tatters and I was in emotional shreds. This is the typical narcissistic cycle: after ‘lovebombing’ comes ‘devaluing’, when the narcissist’s attentions turns from building himself (or herself) up in your eyes, to devaluing you in your own eyes. I decided to leave at this stage – you'd think the problem would end there, but no, it did not. One of the confusing things has been just how challenging the aftermath has been. In my case, it’s been at least as difficult to deal with the fallout from leaving as it was living with him, though the challenges are different. My self-esteem started to crumble, my self-worth to fall. The next phase is to ‘discard’. Yes, it was me who moved out but he wasn’t prepared to accept that: trying, on multiple occasions,in multiple ways, to draw me back in (the so called ‘hoovering’ phase). He had a touch of ‘alpha’ about him - an outward sense of confidence and allure which is not uncommon –very adept at targeting the next unsuspecting, sensitive & empathic person to sell them this picture perfect ‘too good to be true’ romance. Infidelity is not uncommon as they prepare a replacement for the void they are about to create so they can move on seamlessly. Whilst busy trying to reel me back in, he had been busy building up his new source of narcissistic supply and then, out of the blue - overnight, by text - he announced he had a new girlfriend. narcissist
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