93 1“When I was in the 4th grade, my school had an annual Field Day with most notably, a water slide. Two tarps wide, it went down the steepest hill at our elementary school and was doused with water and gallons of Sams Club soap.I launched myself forward, my bony little 4th grade body stretched out to attain the ultimate velocity. As I rocketed down the tarp, I noticed a kid in front of me, also going headfirst on his stomach, was flailing his arms and legs in order to go as slowly as possible. It should be noted that this kid was...large...for his age. As I gained speed and got closer to the end of the slide, what happened next is burned into my memory forever. I couldn’t change course and this kid was going too slowly. I was launched, face-first, onto this kid’s pillowy ass.” -Matt EMBARRASSING MOMENTS By Madison Eiberger, Funk Editor and Kristin Demorest, Assistant Funk Editor 2“I lost both of my two front teeth during Christmas break within 2 days of each other. The first one was from wrestling my cousin. He slammed me face down into a mattress. The second fell out while I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I guess I really did want my two front teeth for Christmas!” -Lauren “I was working at this food vendor at the time. These two really cute guys came up to the register. I shoved my hands in my pockets and smiled at them shyly. Someone took their order while I fawned over them. I was about to start their food when I nervously looked down. That’s when I noticed that I had shoved my hands in my pockets so hard that had been showing all of my underwear the whole time! When I looked up, one of the boys was on his phone, but the other boy smiled and nodded. “ -Kat 4“We were all playing outside and climbing trees and jumping out into snow banks. I went to lunge out of the tree to impress Little Johnny, my neighbor and crush, and never made it on to the ground. Instead, I got caught on a branch-suspended by my now ripped underwear... My legs and arms were flailing, my butt in the air with the rest of me dangling, and my posse of ‘friends’ laughing hysterically at the Frozen Piñata with red butt cheeks dangling before them...I fell into the embankment of snow with my bare posterior scratched and sticking up.” -Maggie “I was riding a bike on the road and not the 5sidewalk because I was a dumb freshman and a car came up behind me. I tried to get onto the sidewalk while keeping my pace, and I busted it and landed weird and knew that I had broken my elbow as soon as it happened. Then, I was really mad and annoyed that my elbow was broken, so I got back on the bike and tried to ride to the Ladd center and fell again. I just walked the rest of the way. I also was riding to the Beanery for a shift and they later told me it was an inconvenience for them that I missed work to go to the hospital.” -Becca 6 “I’m a childcare worker at my church, and we had this one baby with reflux problems. She threw up at least once a day, if not more, and was always really fussy. I discovered however, that she liked to be bounced and she would “When often stop crying. One day after she’d been fed and burped, she was still fussy, so I took her and decided to bounce her on my stomach. All the other workers had told me repeatedly that she would one day throw up on me, but I had never been worried about it. That was a mistake because as I was bouncing her, she leaned over and threw up. Right in my mouth. “ -Ashley 7“I worked in a popular fast-food restaurant. I was always on the closing shift, which meant that every so often I got stuck with cleaning the bathrooms. As I was about to wheel the bucket out of the bathroom, a popular boy from my school knocked on the door. Embarrassed, I excused myself and quickly tried to wheel the bucket out of the way so he could get into the bathroom. Unfortunately, I forgot that the floor between the bathroom and the rest of the restaurant was uneven. I promptly spilled the bucket of poo-water all over the floor -- and this boy’s expensive flip flops.” -Jessica 8“It was my freshman year of high school and I was in my last class of the day, which for me was gym. We were about to have a pep rally before the first football game of the season, so it was Free Friday in gym class. Because of the pep rally, the bleachers in the gym were all out. My friend and I had a basketball and were bouncing it up and down the bleachers to each other. I was standing in the middle with her at the top. As the senior football players, including my crush, walked by I said to my friend, ‘Watch this.’ I took the ball and threw it at the bleachers to bounce it to her, but it came back at me and hit me in the nose. I fell down the bleachers and my crush ran after me. I ended up with a bloody nose and a concussion.” -Maggie 9 I was walking back to my dorm in Clara Hall from Morton Lemley Hall, a female classmate I knew caught me off guard by riding past me as I was walking on the sidewalk. For a split second, I thought I was about to get attack by bear or a fox or something, and I let out a defensive yelp as a reflex. It was pretty loud.” -Luke 4 Funk VALKYRIE 5