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Federation Star - February 2018

Monthly newspaper of the Jewish Federation of Greater Naples

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JEWISH INTEREST<br />

Rabbi Barbara Aiello<br />

<strong>February</strong> <strong>2018</strong> <strong>Federation</strong> <strong>Star</strong><br />

21A<br />

Aging Jewishly – What our traditions teach us about growing old<br />

When our widowed parents find love again<br />

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello<br />

Several years ago I opened the<br />

door to my rabbi’s study to find<br />

an elderly couple, both well into<br />

their eighties, hoping that I would meet<br />

with them. At first I thought something<br />

terrible had happened.<br />

The man<br />

hung his head and<br />

the woman began<br />

to cry. I invited<br />

them in to hear<br />

what I was certain<br />

would be awful<br />

news. “Rabbi,” the<br />

man said, “I don’t<br />

know how to tell<br />

you this but Esther and I want to get<br />

married.”<br />

I smiled at both of them and offered<br />

a hearty Mazel Tov. I looked at Esther<br />

and said, “That’s wonderful. You’re<br />

crying tears of joy!” Esther daubed<br />

her eyes as tears streamed down her<br />

cheeks. Finally she composed herself<br />

enough to say, “Sam and I have a very<br />

big tsuris. Sam’s children and my children<br />

are against our marriage. They<br />

won’t even come to our wedding.”<br />

Sam piped up, “Just wait, rabbi. Next<br />

week you’ll hear the whole story. My<br />

kids are coming to town and they want<br />

to talk to you. They want you to convince<br />

us not to get married.”<br />

Sam was right. Six days later I<br />

found myself cramming extra chairs<br />

into my study to accommodate Sam’s<br />

four adult children, each of whom was<br />

dead set against their father’s relationship<br />

with Esther. The oldest son, functioning<br />

as designated spokesperson<br />

began. “My sister and I are really worried<br />

about our father. Mom died three<br />

years ago and our father could barely<br />

cope. He seemed depressed.” The sister<br />

continued, “We suggested he see<br />

a therapist. But do you know what he<br />

did? He found a girlfriend. They met a<br />

year ago and now he thinks he’s madly<br />

in love!”<br />

“Love!” The younger<br />

son spat out the word<br />

as though it were straight<br />

vinegar. “Her name is<br />

Esther and she’s nothing<br />

like our mother was.<br />

She’s a gold digger. She<br />

wants our father’s money.”<br />

The children begged for my help.<br />

“Don’t let him do something stupid,”<br />

said the eldest boy. “Talk some sense<br />

into Dad before it’s too late.”<br />

“I can see how upset you are,” I began,<br />

“but I want you to know that I’ve<br />

met your father and I’ve met Esther,<br />

too. They seem devoted to each other.<br />

Like your father, Esther owns her own<br />

home and she has her own money.<br />

But more than that, Esther was instrumental<br />

in his rejoining life after your<br />

mother died. In my opinion, Sam and<br />

Esther seem like a very good match.”<br />

When it became clear that I would<br />

not help them alter Sam and Esther’s<br />

plans, the children left so abruptly that<br />

I didn’t have the opportunity to share<br />

what the Torah tells us about second<br />

marriages and how adult children<br />

should behave when a parent finds a<br />

new spouse. One of our greatest sages,<br />

Rashi himself, speaks about an event<br />

that our commentators believe occurred<br />

after Sarah’s death. They wrote that<br />

Isaac journeyed to find a wife for his father<br />

– a woman named Keturah – whom<br />

he escorts back to Abraham’s house.<br />

The midrash goes on to explain that<br />

this Keturah was most likely Hagar –<br />

someone not necessarily beloved in the<br />

Isaac household. Yet, although it was<br />

a difficult and painful thing for Isaac<br />

to do, he set aside his misgivings and<br />

served as witness at his father’s second<br />

wedding.<br />

Isaac loved his<br />

mother and was very<br />

attached to her, but<br />

Isaac also lived by<br />

the mitzvah to honor<br />

his mother and his<br />

father. How? When<br />

you help your father<br />

rebuild his shattered life, you not only<br />

honor him and sustain him, but you<br />

also honor your mother. Why? Your<br />

mother loved your father, so she would<br />

want him to have a happy life.<br />

To the children who balked at their<br />

UP TO<br />

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father’s relationship with Esther, I suggest<br />

that if Isaac could make the trip to<br />

bring Hagar to Abraham and then serve<br />

as best man at his father’s wedding,<br />

then they could do the same. Adult<br />

children can draw upon innate love<br />

and compassion, with the understanding<br />

that individuals thrive when they<br />

have someone special in their lives.<br />

With love and respect for our widowed<br />

parents, we can accept and hopefully<br />

celebrate the choices they make.<br />

For ten years Rabbi Barbara Aiello<br />

served the Aviva Campus for Senior<br />

Life in Sarasota as resident rabbi. Currently<br />

as Aviva’s Rabbi Emerita, she<br />

shares her experiences on Aging Jewishly.<br />

Contact her at Rabbi@Rabbi<br />

Barbara.com.<br />

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