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Man: Er...yes, it's true. It's a very big<br />
problem when I'm having a conversation.<br />
Clerk: That's right.<br />
Man: But there is a solution.<br />
Clerk: What is it?<br />
Man: You can call me by a different name.<br />
Clerk: A different name?<br />
Man: Yes. Then we can have a normal<br />
conversation.<br />
Clerk: Oh, good. What name would you<br />
like?<br />
Man: Brunhilde.<br />
Clerk: What?<br />
Man: Call me Brunhilde.<br />
Clerk: Brunhilde -<br />
Man: Schwarzkopf.<br />
Clerk: I beg your pardon?<br />
Man: Schwarzkopf.Brunhilde Schwarzkopf.<br />
Just write it down.<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
Clerk:<br />
Man:<br />
(Suspicious) Write it down?<br />
Oh, yes - you must write it down.<br />
You see, if I see my real name on a<br />
piece of paper, my voice goes funny.<br />
(In a high voice) Look, there it is<br />
(He tops the form.)<br />
(In a high voice) - Quick! Smith!<br />
Cross it out! Cross it out!<br />
Oh. Right.<br />
(The clerk crosses out his name.)<br />
That's better.<br />
(Writing) Now...Brunhilde<br />
Schwarzkopf. Well, Miss<br />
Schwarzkopf, there are one or two<br />
more questions. Er...Question two:<br />
Address.<br />
Pardon?<br />
Address.<br />
No, it isn't.<br />
What?<br />
It isn't a dress. I'm not wearing a<br />
dress. It's a raincoat.<br />
No, no - address, address!<br />
No, no - a raincoat, a raincoat!<br />
Look - where do you live?<br />
Oh, where do I live?<br />
Yes.<br />
Round the corner.<br />
Can you be more exact?<br />
Er...just round the corner.<br />
Brunhilde! What is your address?<br />
OK,OK. My address is 14...Brunhilde<br />
Street.<br />
(Writing) 14, Bain - Ah! That means<br />
14 Smith Street, doesn't it?<br />
(In a high voice) No - 14, Charles<br />
Street.<br />
Clerk: 14, Charles Street.<br />
Man: (In a low voice) That's right.<br />
Clerk: Now. ..nationality.<br />
Man: Er...just write 'British'.<br />
Clerk: Are you British?<br />
Man: It doesn't matter. Just write 'British'.<br />
Clerk: Brunhilde, are you or are you not<br />
British?<br />
Man: That is a very good question.<br />
Clerk: And what is the answer?<br />
Man: It's a bit complicated.<br />
Clerk: All right, then. Let's start at the<br />
beginning. Where were you born?<br />
Man: I don't remember.<br />
Clerk: You don't remember.<br />
Man: No<br />
Clerk: Why not?<br />
Man: I was very young at the time.<br />
Clerk: Well, what about your father and<br />
mother?<br />
Man: They were older than me.<br />
Clerk: Brunhilde! Tell me about your mother.<br />
Man: She was very nice...tall, with a long<br />
black beard.<br />
Clerk: Your mother?<br />
Man: Oh no, that was my father...<br />
Clerk: (Angry) All right! That's enough! I<br />
don't want to hear any more! Just<br />
take your passport<br />
Man: Oh, thank you.<br />
(She gives him a passport.)<br />
Clerk: put a photograph in it, and go anywhere<br />
in the world. But don't come<br />
back here!<br />
(She leaves the office.)<br />
Man : Hmmm...A British passport, in the<br />
name of Brunhilde Schwarzkopf.<br />
Excellent. Brunhilde!<br />
(His girl-friend Brunhilde, comes in.)<br />
Brunhilde: Ja?<br />
Man: I've got a passport for you.<br />
Brunhilde: Ja?<br />
Man: Now we can go anywhere in<br />
the world.<br />
Brunhilde: Ja?<br />
Man: What about a holiday in the<br />
sun?<br />
Brunhilde: Ja?<br />
Man: (To himself) She doesn't<br />
understand a word I say,<br />
Brunhilde: Ja?<br />
•<br />
SKETCHES<br />
87
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